He watches me shuffle and place the tarot cards down one by one. Corey studies my reaction to each one as I dissect their meaning.

“This is good.” I start by saying to share details of the cards in my reading, but my gut seems to stop me from explaining any further. Then, I turn over and dissect the next card. Reversed. A fight. But why? With who? Hasn’t my fight with my partner been shitty enough? I shake my head.

“Orrr not?” I think out loud as he continues watching me like I’m putting on some show. I feel sick once I move on to the next card. Another one reversed. It’s screaming at me that I’m in a dangerous situation. Because of my fight, my friend let me stay with him for a while until I figured out my relationship and living situation. Is this a bad place to be? Corey interrupts my thoughts with a distraught look and a concerned tone.

“What’s going on?” That’s what I would like to know too. The last card. I turn it over to reveal an upright. A good outcome in the end but with no further explanation on how I get out of this ‘dangerous situation.’ I gasp and giggle nervously, glancing at him.

“No, no, it does end up good. This is good.” I quickly journal down my order of the cards so I can meditate on their meaning more later. Something tells me it’s not safe to keep talking about them here. Clumsily, I gather them into the deck and start shuffling.

“You want me to read yours quick? I’ve read a few people’s cards before.” A distraction really so he doesn’t ask about my own cards any further. His hand motions toward the table.

“Yes, please, go ahead. How exactly do they work?” I go through the “rules” the best way I can and then tell him to think of something he wants to understand better. I chose to do the ‘past, present, and future’ reading for a more simplified reading than mine which was a nine card spread.

“You ready?” He nods while he sits across from me as I shuffle the deck once more. As I lay out the cards, confusion fills my mind. What the hell did he ask? They’re all reversed.

“Hey, that’s good!” I quickly let out without a single thought. Corey sucks in a deep breath and lets out nervous laughter.

“Are you sure? They all look reversed to me.” This is when I realize that being awake for over twenty-four hours, being stoned on top of it, and being dehydrated has started kicking in. It was affecting me big time. Those cards were not upright yet my eyes had my brain convinced because they were laid out in front of me upright. But to him, they were reversed. And since this reading was about him, he is correct, deep down in my tired state I knew that as well but my brain couldn’t physically understand it. And really, who wants to tell their friend that they’re fucked? I certainly didn’t, especially when the knot in my stomach was tighter than ever before. Knowing deep down I was wrong when I convinced him the cards were right felt like my safest option, especially since I was staying with him for who knows how long.

“I only ask if you’re correct because I asked about starting a family someday.”

“You’ll be just fine. Besides, just because a card is reversed doesn’t always mean it’s something negative. Take it like advice. Something you should avoid if you desire what you want in life.” The rest of the night was awkward as I packed another bowl. He probably doesn’t believe me, especially as I’m seeing him pull out a plate of white powder.

“You want some?” I shake my head and he snorts what’s left on his plate. I got some wine if you want to drink, I’m out of regular booze unless you want me to order some for delivery?” I’m heartbroken because my addictions created a monster out of me. All I wanted was to avoid all that trash and focus on bettering myself. Why would a friend encourage me to do these things when he sees the state I’m in? Weed is good enough for me at this moment. The gut feeling tightened again and I excused myself the rest of the night.

Shortly after, I started having visions of me having a deep relapse and my partner trying to make me go back home with him, resulting in him getting into a fight with Corey who tries to calm him down but only keeps saying the wrong thing instead. A couple of days passed while I endured my friend being mysteriously gone the entire time besides waking up and finding razor blades shoved under the door of the bedroom he let me stay in. The final straw was when he laughed in my face when I told him I was having panic attacks. The gut feeling became too unbearable to deal with so I left to stay somewhere safer and lied to him about where I was going and why while thanking him for letting me stay. I felt a sense of peace the second I stepped foot out of that building.

Once I was safe elsewhere I abruptly cut our friendship off only for him to panic to me about why I was ignoring him. My gut stirs and I tell him I’m trying out monk mode and haven’t been talking to anybody and not to take it personally. He becomes understanding and wishes me well but I can tell he doesn’t believe me. That was the last I saw and talked to him.

Despite everything that happened, I still felt guilty about lying to him about the cards. I would reminisce every day, imagining him finally clean and with someone with whom he would start a family like he wanted. I had hoped he was finally happy and healthy, and because I kept imagining that reality, I felt guiltier each time for lying. It was killing me and my sense of reality.

After about a year, my guilt finally vanished and was replaced with a smirk. Reality had hit me once I heard recent news about him. He was going around telling everyone I was crazy while he was reported to be in the worst shape ever due to drug and alcohol use. Meanwhile, I’m hearing the news while I’m finally sober. Upright or reversed, I did tell him to take the cards like they were advice or even a warning. For a pagan, I thought he would have been more open-minded but it turns out it was all an act. He ignored those cards only to tell everyone how big of a nutcase I am and now he’s out here paying the price.

Those cards have never been wrong to me or the other people I did readings on. Hell, I even figured out those cards I drew for myself at his place a year ago were in fact, correct. It was dangerous staying with him and I’m glad I left before I let it get worse. I may have made that tiny mistake, but in the end, it saved me. Instead of letting it continue to haunt me, I have learned to be grateful for that mistake and hope I can continue having the same mindset for more future mistakes to come. We are not perfect and there’s no reason we should let mistakes eat us alive. Learning from them is a big part of life and I know now that there are bigger things to worry about than silly things like these.

Amanda Sindt

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