Hello! I have never done this before, so please excuse my mistakes.

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I remember the day it all dawned on me, the heartache, the humiliation, the realization that my "healthy" relationship with Jordan was but a lie I kept telling others in order to continue this goddamned charade.

"What for, Teodor?" You may be wondering. Why would you lie to the people you love about something as important as a relationship? You must understand; I was lying to myself too, pretending that he loved me, that all the little slights, snide remarks and offhand comments he made were but a peaceful little wave in an otherwise serene sea. When in fact, the connection we had was nothing more than an erratic river with more trash and debris than wildlife... and I was too afraid to come to terms with that, too afraid to be left alone again, too afraid to see the reactions on my loved one's faces when I told them that their beloved Jordan was not, in fact, my Prince Charming.

No matter how badly I'd like to tell you otherwise, the fact is that the entire ordeal took me six months to break off and another three to process properly. The relationship had cost me a ton of money, and more importantly, a good portion of my daily mental distress stemmed from the feeling that I lacked worth or value, which was directly linked to his treatment of me.

As I have already mentioned, I remember it all very well. It was incredibly hot that day, much hotter than what the residents of Newbridge, Ireland were used to. Usually, the weather here would resemble a morose work of art, painted with monochrome and inciting the feelings of hopelessness and despair. Not that day. It was a day of hope, and new beginnings, of vibrant colours and the scent of the local flora. All in all, the perfect day for a break-up.

Neither Jordan nor I could have predicted that was how things would play out. If either of us had a clue, I doubt he would have taken the afternoon train from Dublin to meet with me. The ticket, of course, was paid by me.

If I harbored any resentment up until that point, it was so deeply buried beneath the lies, even I couldn't tell it apart from my usual, good ol' mood swings. That is, until a young boy of around seven, raised his pale, little hand and pointed at me. He raised, to his exhausted-looking mother, a simple question that triggered a memory, which in turn, triggered waves of bitter resentment.

"Mam, why does he walk like this?"

FLASHBACK
Melting vanilla gelato dripped from my hand and onto the pavement, as I noticed that the cone I was given did not have a tip at the bottom. It is fitting that the only time I appear to have the physical capacity to go out on a date, everything goes wrong. A culmination of small, insignificant matters that grows as if it were dough, into a spectacularly large loaf of fuck-this-fuck-that bread.

I glanced in the general direction of my boyfriend. He appeared apprehensive, as though something was bothering him. Ever since we left the house, his usually-chill demeanor changed to that of someone who wanted nothing more than to be back at the house.

"Are you okay?" I inquired, feeling my stomach tie into a tight knot. "You seem.. a bit different."

"You're imagining things." he responded in an irritated tone of voice. He sounded a little bit as if I had just interrupted something important. Then, in a softer tone, he asked; "Want to go back home?"

"Sure." I won't lie, I was confused as we just got here, but stood up from the rock I was sitting on and began to follow him. Every single time I managed to catch up to him, he'd pick up the pace, making it harder and harder for me to keep up.

What was this about? He was well aware that I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, that I struggled to walk properly, ESPECIALLY, when it came to walking fast.

I decided to confront him the moment I stepped foot into my hot, stuffy room. Once again, he dismissed me by claiming that I was purely imagining things out of a place of severe insecurity. Partially, he was right; it was a flaw of mine, I was always incredibly insecure. However, this time, I did not believe this to be a figment of my overactive imagination; if it were, he wouldn't have picked up the pace each time I got close to him on the way back.

So I persisted. I asked questions and then, all at once, I got my answer; he was ashamed of me.

"It's.. more complicated, than that, Teo." he stated, staring at the tiled floor. "I have a reputation. You have an... 'unusual' appearance and a way of walking most, if not all, people would find funny."

[FLASHBACK OVER]

I felt a bitter taste in my mouth, as my jaw clenched and my shoulders tensed up. That wasn't a fun memory. Neither were the countless others, where he left me behind, pretending as though he did not know me, when we walked home.

It felt less like a relationship, more like I was stalking him - but perhaps today would be different? Perhaps he'd change his mind and feel more positively about our relationship? Would that fix the foundation of our relationship? The foundation which I allowed to rot due to the sprouting seeds of resentment? Were they even seeds anymore? No. I was so busy telling myself everything was alright, I didn't notice the weeds overgrowing the garden that is my heart.

Far in the distance I noticed the familiar glint of green machinery approaching and realised that in my haze of anger I managed to make it to the train station bench.

When the train finally came to a halt, Jordan was the first to step out. With a big smile on his tanned face, he held out a book to me. "Pride and Prejudice; A Collector's Edition.". I mentioned how much I wanted to read this the last time he visited me. How thoughtful.

"Oh.. what's the occasion? Thank you." I took the book from him, examining the cover. It was a beautiful, dark green with a golden outline and a picture of, who I only presumed were the two main character; Elizabeth and Mr Darcy.

"Do I need an occasion to spoil you?"

"I don't have a gift for you." I muttered, slipping the book into my backpack, while I felt incredibly conflicted. Jordan was never ALL bad. Perhaps we could mend things? I had an idea. "Jordan?"

"Yeah?" he looked up from his phone, his mossy green eyes focusing on me. His eyeliner was smudged right underneath his right eye, which made it look better, in my personal opinion, so I chose to remain silent on that front.

"I don't feel very good today. It's a bad pain day for me. Would it be okay if I held onto you on the way home?" I asked softly.

"Call your dad. He will come pick us up."

"I feel we can make the journey home if you allow me to hold onto you for support."

"No. I already told you, Teo. I cannot walk alongside you - people make fun of you often, it is emb- it is not a pleasant experience for me." he stated flatly. He appeared to be uncomfortable, leaving me no choice, I would have to call my father... Looking back on this now, I should have confronted him right there and then. This wasn't healthy, it was not how relationships should be at all.

But of course, I did nothing about it - I merely stood there for a few moments, looking at Jordan, trying to decide what the best course of action would have been... Should I call my father? Should I come clean and explain to Teo that this was a lie, to see how he would react? Jordan didn't like people testing him - so I decided against it.

In that moment all I could wish for was for Jordan to taste what it is like, how it feels to be the center of attention everywhere you go. It's like being the author of a one-star novel - some people will notice you, but they'll purely interact with you to make fun of you.

Throughout all of his visit, I was imprisoned in my mind, trying my hardest to forget that I was beginning to feel the shackles of resentment—a feeling that hadn't surfaced in a very long time. Perhaps it was my personality disorder, or maybe I finally woke up, but I began recalling every single awful thing Jordan had said to me.

The previous Saturday, for example, he stated that he had developed a crush on my best friend. This would be fine and dandy if he didn't follow it up with "...I wish you looked and acted like Ray." Why did you stay, Teo? You might be wondering—why? I do not know why. Perhaps it was my lack of self-worth or the desperation not to be alone. Either way, it ended up causing me a lot of pain.

Recalling that memory opened my eyes. I'm not sure why it only opened them a week later, but as they say, better late than never.

A week before that? He compared me to a pig as we ate at the nearest Subway. Once he went home, I cried for a few hours; then I did what I do best: I compartmentalized the memory and never paid it any mind afterward.

There were plenty of examples beyond that. More than I can be bothered to write. But let me tell you, it is almost comical how much crap I was willing to put up with in order to ensure that I was not alone. I think that the fear of being alone paralyzed me -- it stopped me from freeing myself from this incredibly toxic relationship.

Unfortunately, despite my ever-burning desire to mend, fix, or attempt to improve my relationship with Jordan, the resentment outweighed it by a ton, leaving me with just one option—a breakup.

In hindsight, I could have brought it up to him much earlier, but I suppose, as they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty. I ended the relationship very abruptly, around the time he was leaving to go back home.

"...I don't understand. Where is this coming from?" he asked, a pleading tone to his voice. It would have been almost heartbreaking, had I not been so desensitized to his pleading. He'd plead for things often, making it a common enough occurrence that it no longer phased me.

"It's primarily because I need to focus on school. You know, the relationship had been a major distraction for me." I lied. Why did I lie? A mixture of cowardice and disdain. I didn't owe him anything, I felt - besides, the truth would only hurt him and cause further issues for me, right?

He accepted that explanation. I don't know what I expected, but immediate acceptance wasn't it. What did I even want? Was it begging I wanted? Reasons to stay? Solutions to issues I never verbalized to him in the first place?

Once he had departed, and I had time to think about my lies, as well as Jordan's actions - all the snide, mean remarks he'd make, all the times he'd mention how badly he desired Ray, and most importantly, the fact that he was so ashamed of me he would walk in front, or behind, me on the streets. I must admit that my self-esteem took a great hit over the course of this relationship... Not that I had too much of it in the first place. I did not.

Lying is wrong, and I am aware of that. However, I feel no shame about what I had done - I only feel saddened by the fact that it took me so long to finally do it. I could have salvaged the remainder of my dignity, had I thought of doing this earlier.

That day, I made a vow to myself that I would never allow ANYONE to treat me like this again. If a partner is too ashamed to walk by my side, they are simply not worth keeping in my life. My disability doesn't make me any less worthy of love and respect.

Roksana Szczesny

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