Emotion, a complex phenomenon and a truly wonderous thing, right?

Humans are emotional beings that's no secret but what if someone you knew wasn't?

My emotions have always felt hollow somehow like I was acting out a character I had never before heard of it was not real and it certainly wasn’t me. But why? I didn't understand it seemed so natural to everyone around me so why am I empty?

This feeling of being detached and empty became all consuming. My ambitions and relationships reduced to nothing so gradually I had never noticed until nothing remained. I couldn't understand and I couldn't resist this overwhelming wave of nothingness. If I had only realized that the true journey was not about finding answers but the right questions to ask.

I was haunted day and night the emptiness was all consuming and the search fruitless. That year my words became hollow and echoed back at me like I was trapped alone in a vast and empty room, and my head filled with chaotic noise every relationship, every interaction became a question was I deceiving them, was I deceiving myself?

All this time trying to connect but always feeling like I was wading through quicksand it all started to connect.

Committed to learning and finding real answers I abandoned my dream unsure if such an ambition was even real and desperate to find a way to fix me. I clung desperately to the idea that there are answers I only need to look hard enough. This remains a calming notion though now I know it is a lie I convinced myself of to remain calm and find some form of comfort within myself.

I met a coach in my high school who looking back was instrumental in me getting back on solid ground after an intense few months not knowing which way is up. I wish I could say I was totally honest, but I found myself sharing secrets I swore would never see the light of day.

I couldn’t express emotions, and I am unable to tell if in my desperate struggle to fit in I created a new person based on lies and borrowed ideals from my friends' friendships.

I learned to wear a mask. One so convincing that even I was fooled by the idea of the person I had created. I became him, I had to.

I learnt to read people It wasn't pretty and there were plenty of slip ups but before long I had learnt to understand my peers' feelings and soon after that I could mimic them. Finally, I could fit in.

The struggle was unrelenting, but I had an unexpected ally in the coach I had met. She was very blunt and very hard to read. There was no false pleasantries and no pretending to relate. She was also very perceptive and knew right away that there was something big eating at me that I had kept hidden. It didn't take long, maybe my smile didn't reach my eyes or maybe I unknowingly left some clues. I'm sure there were plenty of cracks in my mask, so it didn't take long to realize that the way I reported I felt was a major part of the issue. Cautious of leading questions she very carefully danced around the subject until eventually it was no longer so uncomfortable for me to come clean.

I didn't know it at the time, but she is the catalyst that sparked the change I needed to embrace my differences instead of being defined by them. I stopped seeking answers and started asking questions starting with ‘Why?’

‘Miss, I don't understand why am I so empty? My emotions are not mine I am not sure I feel at all.’ The look of uncertainty she gave me seemed genuine; I think she knew to an extent but hearing me say it made it real. The moment of silence that followed should've had my mind racing with a million different possibilities of what could've followed each of which being more terrifying than the last but no. It was truly silent. No thoughts or feelings and no worries for the first time in longer than I can remember.

I kept most things hidden from the rest of my peers and almost a decade later this remains true. There have been many slip ups and mistakes, but my pursuit of knowledge taught me that I asked the wrong questions and became a bird in a cage of my own design. My 13-year-old self could never have understood that our difference could never make us less of a person.

Things did not get easier, but I did get smarter when new challenges came up, I adapted and when it was time to let someone know the truth I did so unafraid no longer bound by the shackles I had placed on myself.

Thousands of hours of study and many visits to medical professionals later I now know the truth. My truth was but a small piece of a puzzle my 13-year-old self could never begin to understand I learnt to accept what I once believed to be a curse, and I became free not because I have all the answers but because I learnt to ask the right questions. The pieces aren't all there yet and I will never stop searching for them but who in life has it all figured out? But what is certain is that I no longer need to wear the mask; sure, it was a calming notion, but it was in the end just a comforting lie. Rest now friend we have found the light once more.

Notes

The song I chose is Notion by the rare occasions

The song is about religion and being a non-believer, I am not religious and my story isnt about religion. The line ‘Sure its a calming notion but its a lie’ reminds me of the time i describe in my writing. This may deviate from the instruction i apologise.

When I was 13, I never cared for music, it always sounded like static noise

At the time I had started noticing that interactions with my friends felt forced and dishonest.

It took a while for me to figure out but eventually with some distance I realized everything I witnessed all the feelings expressed and thoughts conveyed by others didn't exist to me

My memories of that time are largely clouded, and this spiral is the only memory that I remember enough of to write about

I have never written about myself so I'm not sure how to do so in a meaningful way

Nicholas Palmer

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