10 days of journaling. I did minimal editing to really be able to hear my own raw thoughts and voice.

Day 1

Today I noticed how crazy my life is. Hear me out, I just had a baby a month ago and I have a 2 year old. I am sure that is crazy in and of itself already. But I keep adding to my to do list. I have an unfinished crab and jellyfish. I decided that my toddler liked the orca better so I am crocheting that one now. I cleaned the kitchen well but the living room is a total mess, and do not get me started on the bathroom. The bedroom is decent since I cleaned it yesterday. Continuing with my to do list of crafts. I made Lightning McQueen out of felt and my toddler destroyed it. Yet, I learned that he used it as a puzzle and is trying to put it back together again. When I made Mater for him I made it more like a puzzle and I think he likes that better. Just waiting for the large felt I ordered to arrive which I think is in the mail. But since I just had a baby, I am just waiting for my partner to get it, but he will probably take his time. So, until the big felt comes in my other felt projects are on hold. Those include, felt bones, felt ABC’s, and felt cars. Then I decided to use SkillShare for Data Analysis and Graphic Design. And yet we add writing 101 to the mix. And that is why my life is crazy at the moment and forever will be.

Day 2

Today I noticed how crazy I am. Maybe I have an impulsive buying disorder, or maybe I am going through postpartum depression that makes me believe buying everything online will somehow make me happier, or less depressed and anxious. I have been wanting to do my own business and or change careers. I have been trying to get a work-from-home job since my son was born and he is already two. The only problem is I want a work-from-home job because I wanted to stay home with him. And even though remote jobs are super in right now. This job needs to be flexible and one that pays well so, yea I am looking for a unicorn. But there are jobs like that but I am still developing those skills. I found that a data analyst might check everything on the checklist. But I also understand that with the recession and jobs being limited now, it's hard to trust and allow someone like me into their company. I know I can do it and I know I will work hard but I still want to stay home with my kids and now with a new one, I really want to do it that much more. I just hope I can do it. Anyways moving to why I am crazy. Did I just do an entire google search and plan to buy an iPad, iPencil, and iPad accessories. Well kind of because I have been with the idea of wanting to go into graphic designs and this was back in the beginning or my remote jobs searching journey. I loved to draw and even though I did not necessarily pursue that passion I liked it and still kind of do. I only took one art class in college and I felt I was ok at it. So, I thought maybe I could do it and well the best time to start is in the present.

Day 3

Today I noticed not much. It's the end of the day and I have my daughter strapped to me asleep. I just made a simple project for my toddler and he was super excited and destroyed it within 5 minutes. Probably a new record. I will see how long it lasts for the felt to stay on the wall though, as that is where his projects are going to go on. Maybe he isn't ready to learn the numbers and his name, I don't know. I am excited to learn to draw though. I mean did I just apply to a credit card to get 200 dollars in bonus, yes. But also I need it for my credit as I started kind of late for that. Thinking about that, what would you tell yourself from the past prompts? That would be it, start earlier girl.

Day 4

Today I noticed that I am starting to get sick again. I can feel it in my throat and I feel that awful feeling when you feel like you are about to get sick. I just want to eat warm foods. But today my partner and I decided to order out. He liked the enchiladas and I do too. But today I do not feel like eating enchiladas. I wanted warm food but I opted out for chicken. Hopefully it tastes good. About being sick, it sucks. I have a newborn, or well a one month old but either way it's more annoying if I do get sick really bad. But I was just sick like a week ago and it was not too bad but still it sucks. Other than that I ordered a desk off of Facebook marketplace. The vendor was willing to bring it to my home for five bucks. I need a desk so for 20 dollars I think it looks pretty good. Hopefully it is and it helps with my new idea of being a graphic designer or data analyst, whichever one comes first. I hope I can do something from home though. I want to spend time with my kids and again even though what I ask is almost impossible, I will try to do it. So, freelancing seems like the best option. Well I am going to go try that chicken and see if it's any good.

Day 5

Today I noticed not much, again. I feel kind of tired. I guess being sick definitely drains your energy. I just want some champurrado. I wonder if they sell anywhere here? Something good and warm to burn my throat to get rid of this terrible sore throat. It is funny though because as I am writing this and imagining a delicious warm drink, my toddler keeps interrupting me and asking me to fix his toy. The toy which he keeps breaking. Welcome to the life of a parent. But I am sure he won't like a warm drink. I think he will like some Gatorade or some fruity and sugary one. I try to write as much as I can but today I decided to write just when he decided to become needy. There goes my calendar. It has a picture of a cute donkey for February. But there are other cute animal pictures and he loves to look at them. And now the calendar is on the floor and well that will be all for today as I go searching for my hot drink and pay attention to a very needy toddler. Thank you.

Day 6

Today I noticed that mom life is hard and I hate having hiccups. Why? I am not sure but something about losing control of your breathing or body control is so annoying. Like if I wanted to hiccup I should be allowed to not when my body decides to. But anyway I was sick, well still am. And it's been easier to breathe a little today. The weather has been nice though and my impulsive online orders are coming in today and to the weekend. I am excited though. I got some toys for my toddler and some art supplies and craft supplies for me. Other than trying to stay sane with a toddler and a newborn. I am starting my old hobbies of drawing and crocheting. Of course they are old and it has been a while since I have done either. I tried doing a killer whale and it looks like a killer whale but very different from the reference. I did though get better at counting the stitches. Which before I would wing it, as they say. But this time I was trying to stay as consistent as I could. My toddler loved it for a total of 5 seconds. But I am excited to make more fun animals for him and just to keep myself busy. The weekend is coming so maybe I will make a shark next. Hopefully my toddler gets more excited about that one.

Day 7

Today I noticed that I am no longer myself. It may seem sad but I had some free time this afternoon when both my children took a nap and I was just so confused about what to do. I finally had free time and I did not know what to do with myself. I am writing this in my free time and it feels so strange. Also I have a stomach ache because I forgot to eat lunch. Yea, that is what it means to be a parent. I have been a parent for about two years and I can not seem to remember my life prior to that. It is so crazy. I sometimes just do not know how to feel and my life is too busy for me to stop and think about everything. And just like that I no longer notice anything and I am inside a bubble just floating and thinking about nothing. Every noise exists in that moment and I can hear them all. The sound of the keyboard typing. The random cracks of my home. Even the refrigerator is buzzing. It is so comforting and so soothing. I notice nothing. I feel calm.

Day 8

Today I noticed that I have made many mistakes. And I did not know how to process the feeling of knowing you made a mistake and not sure how to feel it. I tried to justify but that green goblin kept saying if anything happens then it's your fault. And that worried me and hurt me. This time it was for someone else who is helpless and defenseless. It hurt as my daughter was being poked, when I took her to the emergency room today. And although I told myself that it was some bug just going around I could not help but to feel like she was being poked and hurt for nothing. It did end up being a simple virus and nothing much was done, but she was sad and well, sick. I did not sleep well and I was nervous of having a sick newborn and a crazy active toddler. Well I am writing this at almost eight pm and well I managed somehow. We ate and we took a nap and I even went to my appointment. I just managed somehow exactly how I predicted. I was sad because I was making plans on going over to my moms house and hanging out but now we are stuck at home. And they scheduled an appointment to check up on her. I am debating that one because it is windy and cold outside. What are they going to tell me that she does or doesn't have a fever anymore? I am not sure. I am keeping her hydrated and checking her temperature and giving her medicine based on the ER doctor's orders. Plus they are delivering my partner's mattress tomorrow and it's during the time they gave me for her appointment. Sadly no I cannot change the delivery time but I was going to have to go to my newborn one month appointment. And they are supposed to poke her again. It is hard especially when my family lives kind of far and my partner has insomnia. I just want it to be warm and her to be okay.

Day 9

Today I noticed that I am a bit livelier. My parents came for vacation and were able to visit me and see my children. It is definitely nicer having them around, especially my mom. I feel like a good friend has come back and I get to see her almost everyday. Now, that the days are prettier and warmer it feels also great to get out of the house and outside. Having a winter baby is no joke and it sadly got me a little bit down. But, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I unfortunately have to go back to work soon although it brings its fair share of challenges. I feel more ready to tackle them. That's what the sun does to you I bet. And I am very happy to be living at least where the sun comes out pretty often.

Day 10

Today I noticed some burn out. Trying to learn new skills and trying to learn how to draw on top of being on maternity leave and taking care of a toddler is hard. And I get burned out so easily. I am happy the days are so much nicer and the sun is finally shining. I think I am done doing anything today and just want to go out and eat and go visit my parents for a bit. It's crazy because it is only Wednesday but to me everyday is just any other day, nothing too special. I have a lot of things to worry about but for now I want to eat Burger King chicken fries and maybe some bubble tea. Maybe later I will do a load of laundry and vacuum. But for now it's just laying in bed and reading, if my toddler allows it of course. That kid runs the house and even though he survives on cereal and yogurt he has so much energy it is insane. I wish he could give me some of his energy, I think I would be happy jumping off the walls.

Martha Coronel

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