Social Confidence for Introverts

1. Welcome!: Are you an introvert who feel like you might be missing out whether that's in personal or professional relationships because of a lack of confidence, communication skills, or even just a lack of interest in connecting with others. Well, for the last decade, I've helped thousands of people on four continents across the world change this for themselves. And in this course, I'm going to share with you for free what I've shared with them. You see, 15 years ago, I was like that myself. I was shy, socially uncomfortable, and with crippling self-doubt. I truly believe that my introverted personality and my lack of social confidence would be the reason why I'd never lived the life that I wanted deep down. But lucky for me, someone came along and showed me that that wasn't true. And now I'm here to do the same thing for you. And since then I've not only studied with world renowned experts in the field and worked as a quotient speaker across the world myself. I've also gotten a bachelor's and a teacher's degree in psychology, as well as a master's degree in pedagogy, which is the science of teaching. And I put all of this knowledge towards one single goal to help as many people as I can build their social confidence and social skills to a higher level than they ever thought would be possible. By signing up for this course, you will be among the first in the world to get access to this content for free. Because though I've written hundreds of articles, several books, and had over a 100 and national media premises in my home country of Norway. I've never before shared this much of what I teach to this many for absolutely free. So this course is constructed in three parts. Understanding your mind, understanding others, and communication. This is not a coincidental framework is eat. In order to be more socially confident, we have to understand a few things about our own mind better, especially about those parts that keep creating our self critical thinking or doubts. The nerves are stressed that keeps holding us back. I'm also going to challenge the definition you might be using for the label introvert and give you a new and better understanding of your own comfort zone. And that's because about 99 percent of my clients had been taught the wrong version of the comfort zone before they started working with me. And so I wanna make sure you're not in the same boat. And then by understanding others will not only kill off some of those sources of doubt and stress that we have will also immediately start to be able to be more at ease around people. What do we know them or not? And we'll understand how to easily connect with them, whether they're just like us, they're very, very different. And finally, since social confidence is not only an internal thing that manifests itself in how we connect with ourselves, but also in how we actually connect with others. Social confidence scores would not be complete without some practical advice on how to start creating exactly the kinds of conversations and relationships that you want. This is not about saying the right thing. So this is about creating the conversations you'll actually enjoy that will lead to the outcomes that you desire. So please take the time to go through this course video by video in the order they're published. Even if a future video might sign more exciting or the next topic sounds very familiar. If you skip around too much, odds are you will not get the full value of this course, since almost every lecture is built on the assumption that, you know what was covered in the previous ones. Once you've gone through them all though, of course, you can feel free to skip back and forth and watch whatever, whichever videos you want as you work on the skills and understandings that you'll learn in this course. 2. The Real Definition of Introvert: After six years of university psychology studies followed by over 10 years as a social coach. One thing is abundantly clear to me. In order for us introverts to increase our social competence, we have to separate the innate personality traits and needs we are born with from our learned behavior. You see the definition most people use for an introvert tends to be a person who's shy, quiet, reclusive, or uninterested or uncomfortable socially. But that doesn't have to be true at all. For example, personally, I'm an outgoing introvert, but I wasn't always until my mid-twenties, I was most definitely a shy and withdrawn introvert. Anyone other than my close friends. And to this day I still need time to myself to charge my batteries when I'm tired and I have a hard time socializing with large groups of people for more than a day or two in a row unless I get plenty of time to rest. But now a love meeting new people. And if you see me at a social event with my battery is charged, you'll see that I tend to talk to everyone and generally be very outgoing. And over my decades of working with people who wanted to improve their social skills and their social confidence. I've personally seen hundreds of people, if not more, go from being shy or withdrawn introverts to being outgoing, playful, curious, and socially confident introverts. So if it's true that introverts are shy or quiet, that would disqualify me and all these other people as being one, right? But when the definition of an extrovert is someone who is more concerned with the outside world and their own thinking and who gets their energy from being around other people? Well, then neither I or any of my other clients fit in that box. So the solution is simple. We have to boil down the terms introvert and extrovert to their simplest form. And 2, the only thing as far as I can see that is genetically down to us and unchangeable throughout our life. Introverts charged their batteries by having time to themselves. Extroverts charge your batteries by being around others. Once we start using these simple definitions, we'll realize that there's nothing in our nature that prevents us from achieving complete social mastery. It's our learned behavior that might be holding us back. Learned behavior in this case would be the behavior that I described earlier. Shy, quiet, reclusive, uninterested, uncomfortable, and so on. So if you're willing to work with these definitions for the rest of this course. I promised that by the end of it, you can be any type of introvert there you want to be. Whether that is outgoing, curious, engaged, laid back, playful, or none of the above. Because in this course, I'll show you how you can increase and recharge your batteries faster than ever before. I'll show you how you can shake those fears, nerves, and anxieties or might be holding you back socially right now. And how you can increase your social skills in no time at all. It's a tall order, I know, but I spent the last decade or more of my life helping people achieve just so I know it can be done. The stuff I'm about to share with you will be incredibly transformational as long as you play along and follow my recommendation. Why am I so competent, confident about this? Well, for my entire career, I've had a money-back guarantee that said, if you practice what I tell you and it doesn't work, I'll give you your money back. And so far I haven't paid any one back, a single dollar, even though some of these kinds of me paying me thousands of dollars. If you follow the system and do the task I recommend you will see results. 3. The Introvert-Extrovert Scale: Also, please remember that introvert and extrovert isn't an either or type of thing. It's not binary, it's not 101% or 10 percent. The other, it's a scale and we all fall somewhere on that scale. Some of those are more dependent on time alone to recharge and might be more time alone between socializing. While others who are also introverts don't need that as much. The same is true for extroverts. My wife, for example, is an extrovert, but often argues that she's not because he also likes to be on our own with a good book when she needs to relax and just be away from people. And that's because she's further towards the middle of the scale than some other extroverts. And in the very middle of the scale we have the Hamdi versus a rare breed of people who can recharge their batteries alone or by socializing exactly where on the scale you fall isn't critically important. But just for the fun of it, you can think about where you feel like you belong most of the time. But the important part here is to recognize that it's not a 100 percent anything. It's not you against extroverts. If you identify as an introvert, we're all on the scale somewhere in some extroverts are going to be very close to because they're further towards the middle than others. 4. Where Our Emotions Come From: No, I was 18. I was an exchange student in Florida and my family came to visit, so I took them to Disney World. Now over it doesn't have world. They had a lot of different rides and my mom heat right. Hit follicles doesn't she wouldn't get on a single one all day. Towards the end of the day, however, I tricked her to go on a roller coaster called Space Mountain. Now I convinced her it wasn't a big deal because, you know, it's inside a building and there's plenty of kids getting on, so on and so forth. And I tricked her into it. But the truth is that phase Martin might be one of the scariest ones because it's completely dark in there. And so you can't see you on the next drop or next turn or whatever happens just along for the ride. And you experienced this when you feel it? Now, my mom and I were sitting next to each other during this ride and throughout the whole thing or experienced were vastly different. I felt happy, I was excited. I was really enjoying myself, both because the ride was fun because I got to check my mom and my mom was just hating it. She was upset with me for tricking her. She was scared. She was just uncomfortable. Now, after getting off that right, if you had met us and asked without telling me what you did tell me about last five minutes of your life, I would have been telling you about a fun experience, something exciting and amazing that I did and I'd be happy and I would be excited. My mom, however, would be telling you about the terrifying experience she was having, the fear, the uncomfortableness, the anger, all of that stuff. So the same exact experienced images, that act thing that we did. The same motions, the same sound, same temperature, same everything was interpreted very differently by me and my mom are experienced in our emotions to that one thing was completely different even though the thing was the same. Now I'm going to circle back to why this is so important when we want to create more social confidence. But before I do that, I have to tell you a little bit about your own brain. Now you might already know this, but you have two layers of thinking in your brain. You have your consciously or thinking those thoughts that you know, that you have the voices of words that you hear in your mind. You have a slight control over this. You can decide to think of something. I can decide, do you think about a pink elephant? And I'll think of a pink elephant. But also your conscious thought just kinda runs without us most of the time. And then you have your subconscious thought. Your subconscious thought is created by all your automated processes that run in your brain. There's things like the reticular activating system, the confirmation system, type 1, type 2 thinking. There's tons of different processes in your brain. They keep running at all times, interpreting your experience of reality and feeding that to you. But it's not feeding it to you through words, it's feeding it to you through emotions. People tend to think that our emotions come from outside of ourselves. But if that was true, well, then the, the roller coaster should be giving everyone on the roller coaster the same emotion. The rollercoaster in itself doesn't contain any emotion. The activity of going on the roller coaster doesn't know, doesn't have any emotion connected to it. It's our thoughts about the activity that creates our emotions about the roller coasters. My thought about the rollercoasters, this is fun, it's completely safe. It's exciting. My mom's thoughts about the same roller coaster was, this is terrifying, this is uncomfortable, this is unsafe. And so your subconscious mind more than anything else, serves up your emotions to it tells you what it's thinking about through emotion. So when you're feeling anxious is because you have a lot of anxious thinking moment on and a lot of times you don't even have access to it. You don't know what that thinking is. And I'm gonna get back to why that's actually not a problem, but actually a good thing we cover that a little bit later. What's important for right now is to remember that just like in the roller coaster, your emotions come from your thoughts about what you're doing. So if you're going out to socialize and you're feeling shy or anxious or uncomfortable or unconfident. And that's because of the thinking that you have in your mind. It's not actually because of the people around you or anything else. Now you could argue that, well, if people weren't there, I wouldn't have that thinking. Okay. Sure. Fine. I'll give you that. But our point is we don't have to mold the world are changes of world so that our emotions will change. All we need is to know how to deal with our subconscious thought so that they don't keep creating these obstacles, these emotions that hold us back, whether that's nerves or uncertainty, your insecurities or whatever. And so that's what we're going to be working on going forward in this course. We're going to be working on understanding where those emotions are coming from, where those thoughts are coming from in your brain. How to train them or how to raise them to behave the way that you want them to behave and how to make sure that even when they're there, they're not going to hold you back. That's what we're going to be covering our next few chapters. Remember there were local story because it's important. Let me give you a few more examples and we're going to be referring back to this knowledge as we go through. 5. The Workshop Example: So here's another example for good measure and to exemplify how it is our thinking about an experiencer or circumstances that create our emotions and not the circumstances themselves. As teaching a workshop in Norway a couple of years ago and on Saturday morning, I covered this topic and I spent quite a while going into it and explaining it and going through some of the stuff I'm going to share with you later in this course. And then went out for lunch. And I'm sitting at a table with three of the attendees at the workshop and one of them says, You know, I don't quite buy it. I don't get it because obviously things outside of me can make me feel a certain way. Now it's time for a couple of examples. And he came up with him and I said, All right, let's put it this way. If I take this glass of water that I have my hand right now and I throw it out you knowing that you're going to be wet for the rest of the day. We're going out after lunch to do some exercises and talk to some people and how would you react? He goes, Yeah, that's a perfect example that would make me upset because I'd be uncomfortable and wet and I'd look messy when we were going out to do our exercises. And said, Okay, Perfect, good example. Now I looked at them, one of the other two guys that were sitting at the table and I asked him, How would you react if I do my water at you right now? You and I think, uh, be kind of unsure and not really know why. Because obviously there must be a point too that we're paying you money to teach her stuff. I don't know how it reacts. Probably get nervous. And I looked at the guy and ask him How about you and he had a big smile on his face and he went, I would think, water fight. And so it doesn't perfect example. See we have three people here and the exact same experience meets brawn water at them, would create a completely different emotion and reaction in all three of you. Because it's not about me throng the water. It's not about the water hitting. It is not about being wet and uncomfortable, is about what you think about that. The thoughts you have about it creates your emotional state. And so this is exactly what happens when we're out and socializing and we see something. Just because we tend to react in a certain way. Just because we tend to get nervous or anxious or frustrated or whatever, doesn't mean that that's how we have to act or how to react every time that happens. Because that thing is not giving us the emotion is our thinking about that thing that's giving us the emotion and our thinking contingent any point. And when we understand where this thinking is coming from and how we can deal with it both how we can keep doing what we're supposed to be doing. Whether or not we have that obstacle feeling in our mind and how we can train our subconscious mind to start feeding us new thoughts, create different emotions. All of this stuff becomes releasing their social confidence skyrockets. So that's what we're going to be doing now really diving into how these processes work, we're gonna be looking at especially one of the main process that attended make us insecure, unsure, nervous and anxious. And I'm gonna teach you how to deal with it and how to start training. 6. How to Find & Use Your Growth Zone: I'm guessing you've heard of the comfort zone, right? People talk about how important it is to go outside your comfort zone. How everything you want is out there somewhere. And they're not wrong. They're just missing a very important piece of the puzzle. Well, to business actually, is he outside of your comfort zone? There are two more zones. Your growth zone where you grow as a person, where you learn, evolve and achieve new things. And your panic zone where you experienced trauma and end up worse than you were before. Unfortunately, coaches, therapists and well-meaning friends who don't know about these other two zones might end up pushing people too far outside their comfort zone in an effort to help. But when we do things in our panic zone will more often than not, experienced a negative effect from it. Our comfort zone won't grow, our confidence won't approve. We simply feel bad, traumatized even, and usually end up never doing that thing again. It's critically important that when we challenge ourselves, we make sure that we stay in the growth zone. When we do things that are in our growth zone, we might well feel nervous, stressed, anxious, even a little scared. But after we finish the challenge, will usually feel excited. Maybe then proud and happy that we did what we did, even when it didn't really work out and we're a little disappointed in the result. The first test for whether something is in your growth zone or in your panic zone is to feel how you feel when you think about doing the challenge. If you feel stressed, nervous, uneasy, that's usually fine. But if you feel panicked, like you'd rather lie down in cry or runaway or any such thing. Well, that's your fight or flight reflex kicking in. And that only kicks in when we're panicking. In other words, that challenges in your panic zone and you should walk away from it. The tricky thing about all of this is that what's in our various zones isn't permanent. It can change from day to day, minute to minute, even at least where the things that are near the borders and things definitely changed over time. So don't feel like you have to be able to do something today just because it was in your growth zone or even your comfort zone at some point earlier in your life. And definitely don't believe that just because something isn't your panic zone today, you won't be able to do it in the future. We have to both be flexible and patient. When we work to expand our zones. We have to get to know ourselves well by spending time in our growth zone as often as we can. And we have to be willing to adapt our ideas and challenges. We feel like we could do a little more or a little less today than yesterday. If we do all of this without involving our pride, without feeling like it's some sort of competition or race. And without putting pressure on ourselves, we'll start creating progress faster than ever before. The exercise for this chapter is to decide on something that you're going to do today or tomorrow that you feel would be in your growth zone. It can be anything. The point is simply to experience what it feels like to be in your groceries. So play with a few ideas and see if you can tell the difference between which of those ideas or new growth zone and which are new panic zone. Let's say, for example, that you decide to challenge yourself to talk to a stranger on the street. Come up with a few ideas of how, when or with who. You could start that conversation and map them out in the comfortable model. Perhaps things like saying higher, asking for directions. It's uncomfortable, but something that you know, you can do without panicking. Well, that would be a gross sewn exercise. So you can do. Meanwhile if walking up and asking how their day is and what they're doing this weekend is crazy scary. It's in your panic zone so you stay away from it. Familiarize yourself with this model now. And it'll be a lot easier to use it throughout the rest of this course. 7. The Source of Your Self-Criticism: Let's talk about the super ego. The super ego is a process in your brain that's ecology defines as the part of a person's mind. And that acts as a self-critical conscience reflecting social standards learned from parents and teachers. In other words, your superego is the part of your mind that produces all those self-critical thoughts that hold you back from doing the things you know, you should do or want to do, but you just can't bring yourself to do on your super egos, that little voice in your head that tells you that you'll be rejected, that you're not good enough for that you're not doing something well enough where there's no point in trying because you won't be able to do it anyway or people don't want to hear your opinions, are you get it right? If you don't know what I'm talking about, well, then your super-ego is that voice in your head? That's right now saying What is this guy talking about? I don't have a voice in my head. Because you see your super-ego. Greatest trick is to convince you that it is, but it is new. You are not your super-ego. You're the one who has a super-ego. You are the one who either listens to your super-ego or not. And once you get over the habit of automatically listening to it, like I'm sure you do a lot of times now. You are the one who would become the master of your super-ego rather than it being the master of you. Does that sound like something you'd like? Well, in order to do that, we first have to recognize when it's our super ego that's doing the thinking and not our own logic. But when the super egos voice sounds just like our own in our head, how can we separate one from the other? Was actually pretty simple. You see, our super ego tends to primarily serve as doubts and limiting thoughts. One, we're feeling stressed or challenged or nervous, but it doesn't do it when we're feeling calm and comfortable. So by paying attention to the difference in your thinking when you're comfortable versus when your stress. You'll quickly start to notice when it's your super ego that's bugging you. And when it's your own logic and reasoning that's thinking for you. Let's say, for example, that you decide you want to become more comfortable speaking around in front of groups of people. When you're at home thinking about this, it makes sense to you. It's something that you know, you can do if you just put your heart to it and maybe even become really good at with it, a little bit of practice. So you decide to start practicing the next time you get together with a group of friends. Then a little while later when your friends invite everyone over two for a birthday party and you prepare a little speech. You're going to give this beach in honor of the birthday girl. And sure, it makes you a little bit of nervous to think about doing it. But overall, you feel pretty sure that this is something that you can do and that'll be fine even if you mess up a little bit. I mean, after all, these are your friends. So it shouldn't be too bad. But then you show up at a birthday party and suddenly realized that there are a lot more people here than you expected, or your x's here and you definitely weren't expecting that or your throat is feeling particularly dry. Today is a bad idea to talk too much sure that your friends are assholes and not as nice as you thought they were. So they'll probably make fun of you could try to give your speech, or that's a stupid idea and nobody wants to hear what you have to say anyway. Has anything like that ever happened to you? We thought one thing beforehand and when you show up, new thoughts come up. Well, those new thoughts, those new thoughts that arrived when your stress levels, your nerves increase, those are coming straight from your super-ego. And these dots gets stronger and more convincing the more stressed you are. In other words, in your comfort zone, they're almost nonexistent. And you grow song, you'll start noticing them more and more deeper into you get. And the panic zone you super-ego will be doing 99% of the thinking for you and do whatever it can to make your life a living. Hell. So, congratulations, you are now slightly schizophrenics and able to recognize when the thoughts in your mind aren't actually your own reasoning and logic. Rather, echoes of the social standards and rules that you learned from parents, teachers and other authority figures or friends when you were younger. These are social standards and rules that no longer necessarily serve you, but there's still being inflicted upon you by your super-ego. And I'll give you some examples of this in the next video, because now that you know what your super-ego is, where it comes from, comes from, and more importantly, how to recognize when it's speaking to you. Let's move on to the next video where we'll explore why and how he does, what he does, and most importantly of all, how you can start training it so that it'll become your biggest supporter rather than your biggest saboteurs. 8. How to Change Self-Critical Thinking: So in the previous video, you learned that your super-ego is created through the lessons that you learned primarily as a child. Now, what we have to keep in mind is that these lessons aren't necessarily good or bad. They might have been good at some point and today they're not serving elsewhere. They might have just been plain wrong from the start. So we can't believe that the lessons that we learned as a child are still here to protect us today because it doesn't work that way. Let's look at a very simple example of this stranger danger. Now, for those of you who might not be American, that means don't talk to strangers when your kid, especially not a stranger that has candy or something that you want to stay away from that stranger because there, they might kidnap you and take you away. Now as children, that's a good thing to know when we're children, we might have a healthy skepticism towards strangers, especially during your style and Louvre's into places with something that is interesting to us. But as we grow up, however, we start maturing, they start realizing which strangers could actually potentially be dangerous to us and which aren't. The problem is at no point does anyone sit down and go. So now you're old enough to realize this dangerous, not dangerous. Let's go out and practice meetings dangerous and you can get comfortable with it. It doesn't really happen for at least the vast majority of the population. So we get older and we start realizing, Well, I'm not worried about strangers kidnapping me anymore, at least not as much as it was when I was a child. But I still need to stay away from changes because they're dangerous, because they're super ego still believes that. But instead of saying, don't take candy from strangers, that of saying they're going to kidnap you. As far as coming up with new excuses because you start realizing you start understanding that not to eat candy or being kidnapped this ridiculous to be afraid of all time. So your super-ego start saying things like, don't talk to them because they won't like you. They they don't like you. Nobody would like you fit bad about it. You'll get it rejected. You're not good enough, You're not attractive enough, you're not smart enough, you're not funny enough. And especially when it comes to strangers who have something you want, just think about it. We always get more nervous and stressed out around someone we find very attractive. Or when we're talking to someone who might hires for a job rather than just talking to someone because they happen to be a friend of a friend. Pete strangers who have something that we might want, their extra dangerous or extra scary. But they're really not. They're just as scary as any other stranger, which is, for the most case, not at all, but a super-ego doesn't recognize this and it keeps telling us the reason that you might be nervous and scared of approaching strangers and talking to attractive people are talking to anyone who has anything that you want is simply because as a child you were told that they were dangerous and your super ego, that part of your brain still believes that. I'll still keeps telling you that. Now it's not actually trying to protect you because it doesn't have that kind of thinking. It doesn't care about your well-being. It does is not that smart. It is simply repeating the things that it's known as whole life and that it's trying to get you to keep doing. It wants you to do the things that you've always done because you've survived so far. And it's only function is to get you to do the things that you've always done. So that's your super ego task. That's motivation, if you will. Now your super-ego isn't actually a person, but it tends to help a lot of people to use little metaphor on their super-ego. So for the rest of this video, I want you to imagine that your super-ego is a seven-year old, you, a seven-year-old, spoiled and bratty you because it's a seven-year-old you that has been getting its wave as many years as you are older than seven. Now, why seven? Well, around that time we've gone through all the major arenas in our life. We've been around family and authority figures within, around friends and peer groups. We might have gone to kindergarten and we've usually gone to school. And so what we've tried all the different arenas and everything that follows work is just another variation of school. And so by age seven are super ego is kind of figured out the rules and it keeps repeating those rules to us throughout our entire life. In school, we learned not to stand out from the crowd. That's not what they say of course, but there's a, you have to follow the same rules as everyone else. You have to do the same thing everyone's doing while the everyone else doing it. And if you don't, then you'll be punished. And so you go into adult life and you have your super-ego, has that rule. Don't stand out, don't do anything that other people aren't doing. And so we create validation and approval from others, some of us more than others, I used to be a horrible with this. So your superego is and trying to protect you and your sibling is and try to help you to bring those just repeating what you learned as a child. And it's been getting its way for that many years. Now it's your time to raise your super-ego. See you're tired. Turn in your time to show the super-ego a new way, a better way? Well, you have to show it. You can't tell it. Just like a spoiled seven-year-old kid is throwing a tantrum. Logic isn't going to help. It's not going to help to speak logically to a childless throwing a tantrum and then the child's gonna go. Okay, I get it now, I'm fine. Doesn't happen away and your super-ego works in the same way. So when you have all these excuses is critical thinking. You have the thought come up that you want to talk to someone who you don't know what to say and you go No, I do because I can just say Hi, my name is. And then it just throws out another thing. Well, that's stupid. They're going to laugh at you. And it just keeps going. Some logic and reasoning doesn't help. Talking to your super-ego doesn't help. Showing your super ego helps. And just like a child, your super-ego learns by repetition. It's usually not going to be enough that you define your super-ego ones. You're going to have to do it over and over again. So you want to speak in front of a crowd and be comfortable doing that. Well then you have to expose yourself to that situation enough time that your super ego starts with running out of wasted, try to hold you back. It's sort of realized and nothing that it's telling you works is they're seeing a new pattern of behavior. And it starts wondering, what do I need to tell this person to get them to keep following what I tell them to do. Well, I know they're gonna do it anyway. So if I start telling them to do it, they're gonna do it. I don't have to fight anymore. I can let go of those things that are not working anymore. I can still be the boss. And suddenly your superego starts telling, yeah, Go ahead and got this. We've gotta keep exposing it to the experience of it, the outcome of the experience. Actually, it doesn't matter at all. It doesn't matter if you walk over to talk to someone and they actually do laugh at your super ego is not gonna get stronger for it. The only thing that matters is that you expose it to the experience over and over again in your growth. So stay in your group zone on this and you do it over and over again and suddenly becomes easy. And the cool part is that when people first start doing it, it might take a lot of effort to get your super-ego to start falling in line. But number 2, thing that you work on works faster. Number three, number four, number five, by the time you're up to seven or eight things that you've trained your super-ego are raised your super-ego to change. The change comes much, much faster. Your brain gets used to restructuring of those thoughts and that area of your brain starts changing. Now, you're never going to get rid of your super-ego. There's always going to be things that you have self-doubt about or self-criticism or that you have doubt, it's going to happen, I guarantee it. But what happens eventually? And this can be within weeks for some lucky people, within months for most and for some people take a year or two for me, it took about a year before this started happening. What happens is you start to immediately recognize when it's your super-ego that's talking to you. And then it becomes really easy to decide whether or not you're going to listen to those thoughts. Do consistent with this, you're going to become super at just creating new synapses in your brain and your super ego. That makes us think in new ways. You just have to keep doing it over and over again. It's going to start almost being fun. You're not going to stop being nervous and all this stuff, but it's gonna be fun for you to overcome it. And your superego is going to start adapting much, much faster. So race it by showing it. Don't tell. And remember, you're the one that gets to decide whether or not you listened to the thoughts you have in the moment. You don't have to want to do something in order to do it. When you know that you're super egos telling you all these things and this being really convincing is so convincing that you don't actually want to do what you should do. You can still go do it, long as you're still in utero, so on. 9. Low Energy Charisma: When I first decided that I wanted to improve my own social confidence, I had some help from a different domain name class. Now, classism, definitely an extrovert and he was a pretty competent 12. Together we set out to live more in our growth zone as much as we could and class helped me by keeping my spirits up and setting a good example while I helped him coming up with the crazier and crazier things for him to challenge himself would. Once I got over my Learn shine. So once I've trained my super-ego enough that it had all but stopped trying to keep myself or confidence down class. And I both did equally well socially, even though we had very different styles of socializing. Well, I'm mostly common laid-back person who still prefers conversations in small groups or one-to-one clause, enjoyed having everyone's attention. No one wants to be the guy telling the stories and dancing on tables. But even so we tended to attract to the exact same people, are social circles were basically the same one and we had an equal amount of influence and respect them. We even dated some of the same women, though not necessarily at the same time. Now, this happened because charisma and attraction, whether platonic or romantic, is created in equal amounts by high-energy and high activity people as it is by more common center to people. It only seems like the high-energy people do better socially because we watch them get a lot of attention quickly. But even with a lot of attention quickly, it still takes time for them to figure out who in that group, when a group of people giving them attention, they truly connect with on a personal level. And they also often have to sort through more people to find them. Someone operating from a lower energy place will not have to sort through as many and often quickly find the one or two people in a room that the connect with very well. We just have to make sure that we actually make the effort to engage them. So if you're not a high-energy, high activity person, please stop looking at the center of attention people and think that they have an easier than you or that you need to be more like them. They don't and you don't. All you have to do is actually engage enough people to meet the ones who truly connect with. Take it from me because it's not just that I know this from firsthand experience. I know this from years and years of helping low energy people like myself see that they can be just as charismatic as anyone else. But simply we can say that high-energy creates entertainment, while the low-energy creates connection. Even high-energy people tends to go low energy when they're ready to be personally someone, even that person getting everyone's attention. Now once everyone's looking at them, everyone's listening to them, everyone's paying them attention in order to really connect with single individuals in order to create relationships with their friendships or romantic relationships or even professional relationships, they have to take the time to connect with that person one-on-one. So if you like me, are more of a low energy person, you can simply skip the step of getting everyone's attention first so that you can engage personally and you can simply start engaging personally with a smaller group are the individuals that you want to connect with. Now, having the skills to talk to larger groups and be comfortable in front of them is important, of course. But you don't have to be the high-energy person in order to do it. Low energy plus Confident Communication and curiosity equals a quick deep connection. At the end of this course, I'm going to show you some, some conversational and communication techniques that will help you achieve this. But for now you need to keep this in mind. Don't try to be what you think others want you to be who you are. Live in that energy. And use that to connect in a way that makes most sense to you. 10. The Art of Prioritizing Personal Time: As an introvert, you have to prioritize personal time in your schedule. This is as important as anything else you put in there. But unfortunately, a lot of people though they might agree with this theory, doesn't actually do it. Instead they let work chores, friends, hobbies, and other sort of things fill up basically every minute of their day. And while there is, of course, nothing inherently negative about any of these things, they aren't more important than self-care. Without the required personal time to recharge your batteries, you will not be able to perform at your best socially you or otherwise. Therefore, your work, chores, friends, hobbies, and all these other things will suffer if you don't take the time to recharge. And the fact that you need to recharge, it's not only okay and not a weakness. It's actually a huge advantage that you have over many extrovert. You see tons of psychological studies have shown that it's doing downtime. That people retain learning and come up with new insight solutions and creativity that helps propel them forward. One popular study that has been done many times is to interview successful and innovative people about when they have their biggest ideas and breakthroughs? The answer, well, I can tell you it's never at work or while brainstorming is always when they're on vacation, when they're driving to work and listening to music and letting their minds wander. Or the ever popular in the shower. Is, it turns out that when we give our mind time to relax and wander Howard wants, it tends to come up with the best ideas and insights. Because that's when our subconscious gets to process information, connect the dots, and explore what we've experienced and learned in new and creative ways. So being able to comfortably have quiet downtime to charge your batteries is a major advantage that we introverts have over those who aren't comfortable being on their own and being quiet. So cherish it, appreciate it, and prioritize it. And I promise you it will be better off for it. 11. Mini-Recharges for Daily Use: One of my clients who was a self-proclaimed introverts on the far left side of the scale seem to never be able to fully recharge his batteries. After a couple of weeks of trying tactic after tactic with them, I realized that I must be missing some information. So I asked them to write me a little short descriptions of what he did and what his environment was like when he was trying to recharge. When I've read through his descriptions, it quickly became obvious what the problem was. He never gave himself piece. Even though he'd spent time on his own, he would always be working on a tour, watching educational TED videos, chatting with friends via text messages, thinking about work or other future obligations and such things. It wasn't recharging at all. He was stimulating or rather overstimulating himself to, in his words, avoid being bored or fall asleep. The moment he learned to separate his busy work as stimulation from the things he actually enjoyed doing that helped them to relax. And that was not connected and productive is batteries immediately starts with a chart. You see the reason we introverts need to be alone to recharge is because we need to go under a certain threshold stimulation for our mental energy to build up. In a social situation, there's usually a lot of simulation, so we can't recharge their minds what levels? But when we're alone, there's far less stimulation, so it's easier. But we need to reduce the amount of stimulation we experience to go under personal threshold. But a lot of us are overstimulated by default and by bad habits. After all, we live in a world where stimulation is constant and immediately available, whether it be our phones, computers, or the people around us. So if you often find yourself drained and unable to recharge, it's likely because you overstimulate yourself, even when you're trying to rest without even knowing typical culprits or TV, music, phone, social media chores, busy work. Maybe most importantly, using your recharge time to think about work or upcoming obligations or past events or other such things. So how do we deal with this? Well, we have to do two things. First, we have to learn to separate the recharging activities that help us from the ones that overstimulate us. And then secondly, we have to create recharging habits. The best way to start doing this is to experiment with new ways to recharge and with doing things in new ways. Libby, your current habits than the stimulation you give yourself and try to make changes to see how it feels. What happens if you turn the radio off when you drive to and from work? What if you don't turn the TV on when you eat breakfast? What if you keep your phone on silent during lunch? What happens if you revisit old hobbies like art, rating or music and your downtime to keep your mind off work and other obligations. Look at your daily habits and see how you can make small changes and stimulation that will change the amount of stimulation experienced throughout the day. Experiment with cutting simulation from your life every day. And you'll soon start to notice which experiments pay off the most. Once you notice that light and clear mind that follows recharge batteries after changing something. Well then keep that change and make it a habit. Before you've known, you know, it, you've added extra recharging time to your day almost without even changing your schedule at all. You'll get lots of small quick minute charges throughout the day that helps you overall energy level. And when you combine this with actual prolonged downtime, when you need it, you'll find that you'll start having more energy more of the time than ever before. 12. Creating a Supportive Community: I can't for the life of me understand why my wife is always late for things. I mean, it's so easy to be on time. All you have to do is pay attention to what time it is a clear idea of how long it will take you to get ready and know how long it will take you to get to where you need to be from, where you are from there. It's simple math, right? Wrong. It's easy for me because I have a slightly obsessive brain that tends to hyperfocus on what I need to do and when I need to do it. My wife has just as hard of a time understanding why I'm so obsessed with the time it is. As I have with underhand understanding her on this, she doesn't understand why I'm always so concerned with being punctual is not like everyone else will be there on time is for thinking. Well, we understand that the other one is different. We simply can't understand why the other one thing so differently from us on this topic. And that's perfectly okay. We don't have to understand it, but we do have to respect it. Many introverts experience a lack of understanding from extroverts. They can't understand why other people can't see that they need time for themselves and they feel pressured or judged when someone wants them to socialize too much or when they get overstimulated and need to leave the situation. But we have to remember is that the people who are doing this to us aren't usually trying to be mean. They simply want to spend more time with us and might not understand our experience because they don't share it. And that is okay. You see the only thing that we need to make sure of is that they will respect our needs, even if they don't understand them. And the only good way to achieve that is to communicate. My experience. The people who have this problem more than others are the ones who don't communicate openly about their needs for a long, long time. Instead, they make excuses to avoid the conversation. They don't say, I'm sorry, I couldn't really just needs some time to relax on my own and charging the batteries. But instead they come up with excuses about being busy, you're not feeling well or other such things. This often leads the other party to feel rejected since they don't feel like a priority for you. And it can easily lead to less invitations or even more pressure to come out anyway. I promise you that the moment you start to patiently and with a smile explained to the people in your life that in order to fully enjoy your time with them, you need a certain amount of time for yourself to recharge your batteries. And that you really appreciate their invitations and their encouragement and they're wanting to have you there. But do please understand that when you say no, it's not because you don't want to see them, but because of your own personal needs and you start do this, people will start to respect it. They'll still ask and maybe even push you a little bit at first when you decline to come out for something. But all you have to do is give them a gentle reminder of this. And everyone who respects you will accept it. In time. They might even come to understand and predict it. But if anyone chooses not to respect your needs, you have to change or end that relationship. No one, no matter who they are, deserved to be part of a life, they do not respect. So talk to those around you and help them understand your need to be able to say no and have some alone time when you need it. Help them understand that you're not rejecting them and that you truly appreciate their invitations and that you will participate whenever it's right for you to do so. Keep the people who respect this and move on from those who don't. And very soon you'll find yourself in a life where the people around you empower and contribute to your social confidence through their understanding of you. Rather than tear it down with pressure and disrespect. 13. How to Understand Others Better: One of the superpowers that comes along with spending the last decade of my life learning the deepest thoughts, desires, and challenges that most people deal with is that you become pretty good at reading and understanding other people. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that even though I don't know you at all, I know several things about you. Let's test that out shortly. Let me describe a few aspects of who you are as a person. And when I'm done, we'll see how well I did. Alright, here we go. While there are plenty of people who think they know you well, the truth is that there's only a few, probably less than a handful that you've left Pet let pass your outer shell and that truly know who you are as a person. And while you know this, you don't tend to tell people this and you prefer to just let the people who think they know you continue to think so. You have a sharp mind. In fact, I bet that you perceive things and think about things in a slightly different level than most people. There are a few things that you know and understand that you kinda hold very close to the vest because you know that a lot of people aren't really ready to hear or know it. You're also more concerned with what other people think about use and you'd like to be that need of approval and acknowledgement. Just want let go even though you try to remind yourself that you can ignore it and it doesn't matter. And you do have a lot of unused potential. And you know that too. Creativity and goals inside of you that you're not living out fully yet. You want to, but either it doesn't feel like the right time or you just don't have the time. And while you're generally an honest person, you do see the value of little white lies when they make your life easier or make sure that you don't have to hurt someone's feelings. So on a scale from one to 10, where 10 would be the perfect description of you out I do. Azar that you scored me out of seven or higher because that's how the majority of population would score me on this little script. And if you didn't, that puts you in the 5% or so that either stands out from the crowd or just painted with other people, tries to tell them about themselves. So what does it mean? Well, what I just did is called cold reading. And it's basically all about saying things that sound very specific. And then most people will think only really fits them, but that fits most people. We all feel like we have untapped potential. We all feel like we think things differently than others. Very few of us lead more than a handful of people close enough that they get to see the veal OS and all sides of us. Almost everyone is plagued by the need of approval sometime. And this little script works just as well with extroverts as it does with introverts because we're more alike than many thing. And this is incredibly important for one major reason. When I can hit about 95 percent of the population with a detailed description like this, That sounds like it's specifically about them. That's too specific to be about people in general. Well, that means that 95 percent of the population has the same challenges, insecurities and thoughts about themselves. Some people just hide them better than others, and there's very few people will ever let us see the things in them. It looks to us as if we're the only ones having these experiences and thoughts. Deep personal conversations with thousands of people from all across the world. And I can tell you this, you are not alone. And wherever you are, the people surrounding you have mostly the same thoughts in securities on word is as you as well as some of the fame, joys and hopes and excitements. Of course. Once you're able to look around the room and recognize this is not only going to be easier to let go beyond and securities, but it's going to be much easier to connect with the people around you, whether they're strangers or family. So remember, whatever your experiences, you're not the only one having it. If you bought at a party will odds are you're not the only one. If you're feeling lonely or ignored. Odds are there's someone else around you feeling the same way. If you are hoping that someone will take the time to approach and connected to you at the event they are not well, odds are that the people around you are hoping the same thing. So be the one to let them have their wish, connect with them so that you can both get the experiences that you want. When you understand the most people are more like you than you might have thought. You'll quickly find it much easier to connect with and be around out there. 14. Correct - Not Good - First Impressions: So people always talk about making a good first impression, and I kinda disagree with that. It's not about making a good first impression. What we wanna do is make a correct first impression. And so what is the difference? Well, a good first impression is usually people being very polite, very nice, and speaking a little higher tone of voice than usual and making a lot of eye contact and smiling and nodding and being very agreeable, not saying anything that could be misconstrued or anything that could they could be judged for anything that anyone could react to in any other way than being nice and polite. Back. Problem with that is, it's really boring. And very few of us are that person. We might act like that when we meet strangers. But whenever like that, just when we run into a friend or when we're hanging out with some more comfortable with. Now I'm not saying that you should go out there and start talking to strangers exactly. They can talk to your friends and start sharing your secrets and all that. But I'm saying that you should start conversation when you meet someone for the first time. You should strive to act in the energy you're in the mood that you're in to be an align with who you are in that moment and who you are in the big picture. If you are low-energy person and you're not very high-energy and ramped up and eager and high activity. Well, if you start on interaction by pretending to be that because that's what you think is supposed to be. You're trying to be like, Hey, I'm the life of the party. Hey, yeah, it's nice to meet you and you're not that person who is putting on that facade. Well, very quickly, you're going to run out of that energy. And when people see that you go from being that person to being right this person, suddenly you either became boring, you became disinterested in them, or you're just incongruent with who they thought you were. You're all over the place. They can't get a read on you. And this leads to people disconnecting and trusting and lesser wanting to spend less time with you. But if you start in the low-energy plays, you go, Hey, my name is Helen, so it's nice to meet you. Even if the surroundings are more high-energy or whatever. Now you have a much higher chance of making a correct first impression. And you can have the kind of conversation you want. And those who are ready for that kind of conversation and want to be in that energy will engage more with you and stay there and you'll have a more significant connection that would last longer and be more real. People tend to respond positively immediately to someone they feel are being themselves. This is why even douche bags and assholes get a lot of positive attention because they're just being themselves. And even if people don't like their behavior, a lot of people can't help but be drawn to the realness of it. As the same is true for us in any situation we're in. If you're feeling playful, bleep, be playful when you meet someone new. If you're feeling a little lazy or tire them, you don't have to be energetic, you just be calm and laid back and center to feeling curious. Be that if you're feeling decisive and make things happen, live in that instead of trying to change it to be that good and good first impression stranger that people tend to strive to be a guarantee. There'll be a lot easier for you to whole conversation. Your energy level will be higher. More often, you will see that people respond positively to who you are and present yourself as a person, which means that you're self-conscious. Self confidence is going to increase because you are going to feel good about just being you and getting the results that you want. So practice making correct first impression. And you can practice this even with your friends when you're shopping with friends, even though first impression is long gone, that first part of the conversation, you act in the mood and the state and the energy that your N. And you'll see that they'll try to connect and mirror that back to you more often than not. And even if they don't, they now recognize where you're at and you will have a much easier time socializing and it's going to require much less energy from you. Does a life hack is really simple, little change that you can you do in your mindset about meeting people and making first impressions that are going to have ripple effects throughout your whole social confidence. 15. A Conversation's Three Ingredients: When I was studying psychology at university, I got really curious about the structures and systems that were behind the conversations that people had with each other. Because I kept noticing that some people seem to get more of what they wanted out of conversations. Whether that was a long-term goal or just information in the moment or making a sale or whatever. While other people did not. And I figured it must be more than just a personality difference and must be something in the way that they communicate. So I started studying this and I started going to my, my professors and I started going into workbooks. And when I graduated, I haven't had an idea that there was definitely something there for my master thesis. I didn't experiment with teenagers in high school where I taught them this kind of communication that I come up with to see how it would help things like bullying and feeling socially comfortable at school. And the results were amazing. Afterwards, I started studying with other people outside of school. Actually, I started while I was in school and traveled around and learn from top communication experts in the world. I went to workshops, I got personal coaching, I did all the things. And basically what I realised that you can parse all of this knowledge, all of these tactics, all of the negotiation tactics or sales tactics are flirting tactics are just communication and getting to know each other. All of these can be parsed down into three different ingredients. And I'm not claiming ownership of these because I've heard these ingredients been repeated over and over again by many people. And then I looked at all the other things and I feel it's everything fits into one of these three ingredients. So for last 10 years or so, I've been teaching these ingredients to people who come to my communication workshops. That this is the way that a conversation that leads to the outcome that you want has a certain amount of each of these three ingredients in it. Once you know how to create either of those three or all of those three medians rather. And you get a feel for the moment how much more of either one of them you need. Your communication is going to be very effortless because you will have an innate instinctual almost understanding of, Oh no, I need more of this and it will just happen. It won't be a strategy, you won't be planning it out. It will simply happen because you notice on a subconscious level that I need to turn up the heat more, I need to connect more, I need to take more initiative. So in these next videos, I'm going to teach you these three ingredients. And I'll give you some techniques within each of these ingredients or you can start using. So you can start practicing these things with your friends, with your colleagues, with whoever's around you with strangers doesn't matter. Once you master the techniques within each gradient. And you start practicing and playing around with increasing and decreasing in different types of ingredients and conversations. You will start seeing that conversation become easy and fun and can more easily lead you towards the type of conversation and typer results that you want. So that's what we're going to be covering in the next few videos. I mean, give you an intro to all of that. Now, the three ingredients are really easy. And the first one is what's called rapport and psychology. Rapport is basically the term we use for the level of trust and understanding and knowledge we have about each other, how well we feel we know someone and how comfortable we feel with the more rapport we have, the more comfortable we feel, the more we feel like we have to talk about less, we know someone less report. We have those reported as the first ingredient was one of the ingredients. The other ingredient is tension. There has to be a certain amount of tension up. People tend to shy away from tension. They're scared of it because it's uncomfortable. But the truth is, attention doesn't have to be uncomfortable. Laughter, having fun together as tension to tension is anything that makes her pulls rise a little bit, makes our heart beat a little faster. Anything that makes us laugh or confused for a moment or scarce us, not that we want to be scaring people too much in conversations or challenges us. Anything that's outside of that normal, comfortable report billing computation creates tension. Tension is what tends to make people come back birthing. It creates attraction, prison Jacqueline, dating and flirting, but it creates attraction for beauty of salesman trying to sell someone a product. If they have no tension with our product, there have no attraction to it. They don't want it. They might know all about it, but if not, it's not exciting to them. They want, they're not going to buy it. So tension is a necessary part of conversation than once we've realized how easy it is to master and how much fun we can have creating it with people. It becomes second nature to most. And the third ingredient is escalation or taking initiative. Because AS long as the salesman doesn't try to make the sales, long as the clergy person doesn't make the invite to a date, as long as we don't take the initiative for the conversation to move towards the goal that we're after is not going to happen. Now I'm not saying every conversation has to lead to a goal, but even in conversation we just want to get to know someone better you do you'll do a much better job if you both have reports, they trust you, you have tensions, they want to be part of this conversation and you escalate by limiting it to where you want to go and what you want to know about them. So I'll give you a technique or two for each of these in the next few videos. And then you can go out and you can start using these to create better conversations and better results and your social life immediately. 16. Turn Small Talk Into Real Talk: So anytime and anything you do with someone will basically create rapport with them as long as what you're doing isn't making them uncomfortable and pushing them away. So even a regular conversation about the weather and your job will create more rapport with someone who doesn't know your opinions about the weather or doesn't know much about your job. You can even sit in silence next to someone. And it will create more and more a poor the longer you sit there. But it's not going to be very deep report. We're not going to feel that we know them and logically especially we're not going to think of them as someone we have a lot of rapport with. So I'm a big fan of learning how to create deep rapport quickly. Not because you always have to be in a hurry to get somewhere, but if we can create deep report very quickly in a conversation within the first few minutes. And that opens up all kinds of possibilities to have real conversations with them. Were small talk, which tends to be something that most people hate. Stuff's being an issue we don't have to make smarter. We can get real to rate too real and interesting things. My favorite technique to do that is a technique I call genuine interests. Now, genuine interests can be summed up in a very simple sentence. It's more important to understand why someone's doing what they're doing, then to know what they're doing. So say that you meet someone who works as a hairstylist. Knowing that they work as a hairstylist and how long they've done that and if they have their own salon or work for someone else, if they've been there for long time. These are platonic things is about what they do. What I want to know when I meet someone is well, why do they do it? Not in a judgmental, why do you why you'd want to be that? Then a curious and excited way. I want to learn what are their motivations, what are their inspirations, whether their passions, whether they're positive experiences, what is it that drives them to keep doing the thing that they do, whether it's working as a hairstylist, are doing horseback riding or in martial arts or art, or hanging out with their friends or loving to go to the theater, whatever it is that they like to do. I want to figure out what their underlying motivations for it is. Most people are not used to talking about these things. A lot of people have never really talk to anyone about it, but everyone does do what they do because of the way that they feel about it, because of what they feel it gives them. So when I met someone awhile ago who did a Christian ism, you know, horseback riding and jumping over all the obstacles and stuff. It's a sport that I know very little about it. And if I'm being completely honest, I have very little interesting. I love horses, but just there's something about that. I just can't make myself get into it and watch. And I've tried a couple of times. And I met this girl and she said she was doing she did that and she loved it and spend most of our time wasn't money on it. I get to be the curious, like all that's really cool. So what is it about that, that you love so much? And she thought about anyone, well, she loved to compete. Competing was just wonderful. I love the bond with the horse and everything. Now I could recognize the competing part. I've never been a horseback rider, but I've competed in martial arts myself. And so I asked her, oh, well that's interesting. I love come petitions to what is about the competitions that really drives it was your favorite part of the competitions. She described well, when she's on the starting line, she's about to go for it. She's been training for months and it's time to show everyone what she's good for her in her horse can do when it's time to see you as the best. That adrenaline rush, that feeling that she gets from that investing in the world. And that she was saying that I completely understood what she meant because that's exactly how I felt when I used to compete myself in judo. And so we could connect on that even though I had no interest in, in question is no interests in judo, we could connect on our experience of our passions, of the things that we really love doing. When I met someone at a while ago who worked at the gas station and asked what's the best thing about your job? And she went, I nothing is really boring. I'm just doing because I have to I need money. And said, Well, you've been at it for two years. He told me, there's gotta be something that you enjoy. What's what's your favorite thing? And if you don't like it was your favorite thing, be thought about and she went, Oh, well, I mean, I worked the night shift, ship a lot. And there's two things. I guess we got a lot of weirdos in during the night and it's just fun to see all these, these interesting people. But I also get to do a lot of administrative work. I get to set up those shifts for next week's, ordering new things and do that kinda stuff. And I like office work. I want to be a manager or something in my future. And so that's really interesting. We talked about what it was about that that she loved and I recognized that in myself, even though I basically run my own business and it's basically me alone most of the time. I could recognize and we could connect on that because it's stuff that we haven't common. The feelings that we got from doing our job well were the same. So you could connect on that side note to that story was after she actually thought about this for a while, few weeks later or sorry, a few days later, I got a message from her saying that she had the best day at work that she could remember ever having because she now started recognizing the things that I actually like doing because of our simple conversation. And she was promoted to the night manager later on and got to run the whole the whole place eventually before she quit. And so these simple conversation, but going into what is it about that, that you'd love, what is it about that motivates you? What is your best experience about that? What's your favorite thing about that? It's a very simple tweak. So the next time someone asks you what you do and you answer them and then you ask How about you? And they say, Oh, I'm an accountant. So go Okay, that's nice. Do you like it? Or any of these simple questions is to go into, Oh, that's interesting. Tell me about that. What's your favorite thing about it? These questions might seem a little unusual for you in the beginning and you'll have some people saying all I don't know, just push them a little bit. Asked him one more question, go a little bit deeper. Have them get up and tell you anything. And you suddenly see that the questions start, we'll start feeling more, more natural to you. People respond to you in a completely different way and you start having a common conversations that you basically never had before unless you knew someone very well. And you can achieve this in the first two minutes of a conversation because it's great conversationalists. And it brings out people's emotions and people love talking about that. The moment they realized that you actually want to hear about it. This is the reason I call this technique genuine interests. You have to be genuinely interested in learning about these things. So figure out what it is. You are genuinely interested in learning about other people, even if you wanted people who say, I don't really like other people, there's always something to think about what that is and construct your genuine interest questions around that. When you talk to people and they bring up everyday life, go into what you actually want to know, what you're genuinely curious and milk It's when people see that you want to know that from them or they will open up like nobody's business. And your report is going to be deep really quickly and you're going to be able to basically produce these experiences of knowing someone for five minutes, but feeling like it's been five years, almost on-demand, not quite. They want they're going to have to want to connect with you too. But when they do, it's going to be released. 17. Tension Creates Interest: Now I'd say that about 80 percent of the people I worked with on social skills or communication or lacking in the tension department. Almost everyone stay away from it. They pull back from anything that makes their heart or the other person's heartbeat faster because it feels risky. It feels like taking a chance. It feels like we might get upset with each other. We might not like each other. What if they don't laugh at my joke? Wave, I don't laugh up their job. What if I say something to tease and they take it personally and get upset with me, what if I challenged them something and we're disagreed? And they are all of these fears around it. And then they go to their friends that they're actually comfortable with. And tension happens all time, but it feels good because we're not worried about it because it's our friend. Well, we have to learn. Is that the same kind of tension now we're comfortable making with our friends, we can make with people that we just met. Now if you're one of those with those raunchy jokes and stuff, you might want to hold back sometimes with some people. But generally speaking, when you're happy and when you're comfortable creating a little bit of tension where people that you've just met as you are with people that you've known for years, you're going to start seeing that people are drawn to you in a completely different way. When people talk about charismatic people, this is what they're talking about. I've studied this for years and I've analyses from any angle that I can get to an every expert on charisma that I talked to. Agree. Yeah, they will mention stuff like body language and so on and so forth. But wait, boils down to as a charismatic person is someone who makes people have experiences in a conversation that they don't have with other people. And this is 80% of the population or more are so concerned with only building rapport and only being nice and play all the time. They don't feel tension with others. So when you meet someone, they feel that little tension, a little tingle, that little increase in pulse. That's exciting. And as long as you're not being rude and upsetting about it, it's very attractive. So there are many ways of creating tension and anything that makes your heart beat a little faster creates tension. But the easy and fairly safe ones are through playfulness or through simple challenges. Now these are very simple in the way that a playful comment or a joke, or just a cheeky smile or laugh or whatever it is that you do, the kind of humor that you exchange with your friends. Start bringing that more and more into all your relationships with people you just met, with colleagues, people who are more acquaintances or friends. And you'll immediately start seeing that they will communicate back to you and whether you're communicating with them. Because humans, marriage Heller, and when we see something that we've liked but that we are attracted to, we mirror that even more. So the conversations you already create with people who are uncomfortable and you can create with anyone. And if you don't really do that, even with the people who are closest to you. Well then you can start practicing by thinking about what kind of conversations, intentions you enjoy. What makes your heart beat faster? What do you like when other people do it? When you meet someone who makes fun of you, playfully you, or makes a joke or it makes a silly comment or whatever it is that fun for you, or do you like more funny stories? Or maybe playfulness isn't your thing. Maybe a little bit of challenges better. Maybe if someone mentioned that I really like the song and someone goes, I don't like it very much. Then you find yourself wanting to engage with them, even if you disagree with it. Now that's tension, That's the attraction that comes from tension. So maybe small little challenges, maybe disagreeing with people not in an aggressive way, but just simply disagreeing just to show them that you don't think the same way they do on this topic. It will create attraction, it will create tension. Or maybe challenging them on living up to your standards, are asking them questions about themselves. So what do you think I'm going to like about you is we get to know each other better. These simple little challenges, because some people like challenges, but they're very careful by giving them. We'll start giving them if you're one of those and enjoy it. And you'll suddenly start noticing that people will connect with you in a different way. Where you can start showing interest in people, showing acknowledgement, giving compliments. First of all, people loved husbands, especially if it's not because you're trying to make them like you for your genuinely appreciating something about them and just let them know. People love that, obviously. But even little, little shows of appreciation, shows of interests. Little comment. I like you, you're funny, you're interesting. I'm glad I met you. I'm happy you are here today. It's nice seeing you again. Some of these are very pleasant trees or we just throw out, but when you genuinely mean it, and especially if it comes at a time where they're not expecting you, people expect these nice seeing you at the end of the conversation. If you do it in a middle or in the beginning of a competent well, I'm glad you're here tonight. Was coming to his dinner party and I wasn't sure, but now that you're here, I feel a lot better. These simple little compliments, a short signs of interest also creates tension. And it doesn't have to be romantic or sexual or anything of that nature. It could be some of you have no interest in. It doesn't matter what you're doing is showing them that you have something for them, an appreciation for them, thus more than the rapport building. Nice to meet you. Again, I've seen you before type conversation. These are three very easy ways and very safe ways to start building tension through playfulness, through challenges and through signs of interests are signs of appreciation. Start playing with these and even if you feel like, yeah, well I do that, I'm a nice person. I give compliments, I make some jokes here and there. Well, I'm going to guess that you're probably more likely in that 80 percentile part of the conversation in population rather than 20. So to add more, play more with it, challenge yourself earlier in conversations with people that you usually don't do this way. Make sure you do the things that you enjoy doing, that you already do with people or you're comfortable with, or that you would like to do with people that you're comfortable with. So it's a natural thing for you because that way it's going to start happening more often on his own and you're not going to have to think about it. It's going to be a more genuine conversation. People get to see who you are much better. And combined with deep rapport intention, people's interest in you is going to skyrocket. And you will much more quickly recognize who is a person for you, who's someone that's worth spending your time and energy on, and who you can simply move on from because you're not a good match. And for most of us introverts, that's a very good skill to have because then we don't have to spend too much time with people that just aren't right for us. 18. Moving to The Next Level: Now the last ingredient is escalation. Escalation means to take anything from wears out right now to a higher level. So in social contexts, escalation will be, for example, that you meet someone at a dinner party or an event or whatever, and you decide you want to see them again. Maybe that's socially or it's romantically or sexually, whatever, that's your business. You decide you want to see this person again. Well, you can have all the rapport and all the tension in the world. But if none of you escalates, if none of you takes the initiative to move the conversation on to another place or another state or no one takes the initiative to meet again at a later time. Well, then you're going to move on from that conversation and feel like that was a really good conversation. And I hope I see that person again. I hope that person reaches out to me or whatever you're going to be caught up in this thinking a lot. And if it doesn't happen because the other person's not escalating either. Then you both walking around being unhappy with not getting the results that you could have gotten from this amazing conversation. So escalation is on you. I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're a man or a woman or old or young or whatever it's on you if you want more of the things that you want in your life. If you want more social confidence, do you want to know that you can create the social interactions and social relationships that you want and they're right for you. Well then you have to start asking for the relationship. Do you want by escalating, you have to take the initiative to move things on to the next level. Now again, the next level could mean a million things. If you're on a date to the next level might mean that first case, if you're meeting someone for a dinner party and it turns out they have a job opening in the business they work for and you want to work for them will escalation is asking for the interviewer asking for the conversation or taking the initiative to have that conversation further down the line. Do you want someone to be your friend while the escalation is exchanging contact info and inviting them out and meeting them again. And it's on you. I guarantee you that once you get over that fear that most people have about escalation because we're feared, were afraid of being rejected, afraid of getting a no. Once you start escalating was just start taking the initiative, you'll find that not only are you going to get more yeses than you ever did before, you ever thought you could. If you keep focusing on billing report intention. But you're also going to stop carrying about the nose because you're going to recognize that if someone says no. Well, they weren't right for you anyway because I'm guessing you don't want to hang out with people who doesn't want to hang out with you. It means that you're just not right for each other. And because you have these new skills and this new social confidence of knowing all the things we've covered in this course. And now knowing how you can create great conversations with people immediately through correct first impression through building rapport and through building tension. Well, then it's not a problem for you If someone says no because you'll meet someone else by minutes later or the next day or whatever it might be, next opportunity that you have. When you have these skills, when you practice all the things we covered in this course and becomes natural for you, you will have will be called abundance mentality. Abundance mentality is the understanding that there's plenty of opportunities and plenty of people out there. It's the plenty of fish in the sea. Logic, except it's not just some nicety that people say or something that we know logically, yes, is something we actually feel because we can go out. And whenever you feel like socializing, we can meet someone, created great, correct first impression, create rapport, create tension, and then we escalate. The escalations are easy as simply about asking for or going for what you want. You want someone's contact info. Well, go for it. Don't go to die. Maybe pleased was you may be like to be physically no. You pick your phone up, you go open your face, but you go here. Let's talk later. You're nice, you should have fun. We should get to know each other better. Or you go, Hey, I'm doing the single Saturday, you guys should come with me. Or you're on the date and you're sitting with your date and you want the kiss your data and you go quiet and you smile at them. And they go quiet as smiley you back. That's a universal signals. And he leaned in and kissed, oh, now I know some of these are more scared than others for most, but it all boils down to make getting into the habit of escalating regularly. So you do this and your life from now and you start practicing so you can practice with your friends because escalating is also just taking initiative. You want to watch a movie one night. Well, texts a couple of friends and see if they want to watch it when you get a no, that's fine. No, no harm. No, don't. You can still see it on your own, which was your your original plan if you've got a yes, great. Now you took the initiative, you're getting a little better at it. You're having dinner with some friends and someone asked, what should we have? And you don't actually care about say something anyway, practice that muscle escalation is a muscle, it's a habit is something we get better at by doing it, by making the call, by asking for what we want, by going for what we want regularly. And when you start with even the smallest things in your life will propagate into the bigger ones. And when you keep in mind that you push yourself in the growth zone when you're around people, when you want to get better at escalating in the situations where you are currently not escalating. Or you're going to start seeing completely new social results immediately. Specially when you do a good job combining this with the other two ingredients. 19. Let's Recap!: So let's take a look back at what we learned and connect all of those dots, shall we? In this course, you've learned why and how being an introvert like myself doesn't dictate your level of social success. That being an introvert does not have to equal being shy or awkward or exclusive or socially inept or hating people or any of those things. That being an introvert simply means that you need enough time under a certain level of stimulation to recharge your batteries in your social energy. And you've learned why your time with yourself is a huge advantage for you compared to those who can't stand anytime alone because It's when you let your mind be truly free to wander, that it starts creating new understandings, new insights, and start solving problems and challenges in new and creative ways. All you have to do to enable this is make sure you give yourself the downtime you need, both in small portions throughout the days and in larger portions as needed. You also learned how to communicate this to others around you so that you can create relationships of understanding and respect. And how low-energy Christmas just as effective as high-energy charisma. And so it doesn't matter what type of person you are. It only matters that you practice connecting with others in your way. You've also learned about how it's your own thoughts, your own thinking, including your subconscious thoughts that you have no control over, that creates your experience of life and the feelings that you have. And by working on yourself and your growth zone and recognizing when it's your subconscious processes like that super ego we talked about that's making a nervous or uncomfortable or doubtful or whatever. You can stop fearing and avoiding external situations. By training that super-ego and becoming comfortable in your growth zone, you take back the power from those subconscious processes and you no longer have to feel like the world around you has to change in order for you to be more comfortable in it. All that has to change as your subconscious thinking. And it will change through repeated experience, which becomes easy to create for yourself once you feel confident about stepping outside of your comfort zone and integrals on, while of course, never pushing yourself all the way out into your panic zone. You've also learned that connecting with others will become much easier. Once you remember that almost all of us have many of the same insecurities, doubts, and self thinking like I demonstrated through that cold reading scripts that are used. And on top of that, you've learned about making a correct rather than a good first impression. And some of the simplest and most effective ways to improve the quality of your conversations. How to skip small talk by creating deep rapport quickly. How to create tension to increase the desires to continue connecting, how to escalate, to create the relationships that you want and so on. That's a lot to learn in less than two hours. In fact, it's supposedly too much. You see when I got my teacher's degree in psychology and when I did my masters in pedagogy, which again is a science of teaching. We were told again and again and again to keep things down to 1, 2, 3 learning points per hour of teaching. But not only do I believe that you are able to learn more than that, I also know that you will be able to go back and watch these videos over and over again. And I recommend know, I implore you to do so. Because I promise that even with this recap, there are things that you've already forgotten. And I guarantee that as you start working on the various tasks and various topics I talked about throughout this course. Some of the content in these videos will take on new meaning for u and v about different things. So please go back over these videos regularly, pick a topic and work on that topic until you feel like you're ready for the next thing. Go back and go over the videos for that new topic one more time. But most importantly, you have to practice this. Nothing is a better teacher than real-world experience. And as I said in the beginning of this course, if you practice these things, I guarantee that you'll make progress or your money back. Though I'm confident that your social competence will get a boost. Even if you only remember a story using one of the things from this course, I can guarantee that you will experience a permanent and drastic increase in your social confidence. If you just take the time to work your way through all of the topics.