Transcripts
1. Introduction: [MUSIC] I love teaching
mindfulness and emotional intelligence
because it's very close to my heart. I've seen the results in my own life and how
much more calm, steady, and responsive I am. That is showing up and how I am dealing with
people around me. I attribute these changes to
my mindfulness practices. [MUSIC] Hello, my name is Monica
Tharkrar and I'm an organizational
development consultant, coach, and mindfulness
instructor. I've been practicing
meditation since 2006 and was trained in
the Search Inside Yourself mindfulness
program in 2018. I love bringing mindfulness to leaders to help them
enhance their productivity, efficiency, as well as develop their emotional intelligence to enhance their leadership skills. This class, will
cover how to build emotional intelligence
and leadership skills using dedicated and integrated
mindfulness practices. Emotional intelligence
has proven to be a fundamental skill to
be an effective leader. Mindfulness can help
build up those skills. This class will cover
the following topics: Defining mindfulness and
emotional intelligence, getting to know yourself or
enhancing self-awareness, focusing on self management, building social awareness,
and navigating relationships. If you're new to
mindfulness or want to go deeper in your journey to enhance your leadership skills, this is the class for you. Let's get started. [MUSIC]
2. Defining Mindfulness and EQ: In this first lesson, we will be covering
mindfulness and emotional intelligence
and the level setting of definitions
for each of the topics. As a leader, emotional
intelligence is key to growing successfully
up the ladder. Research shows that your IQ, or your intelligence quotient, gets you in the door
of an organization. But EQ, or emotional
intelligence, is really the pillar of
what makes good leaders. What is emotional intelligence? Emotional intelligence
is the ability to monitor one's own, and others feelings
and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this
information to guide one's thinking and actions. Daniel Goleman, the father
of emotional intelligence, who wrote the book with
that title in the '90s, breaks down emotional
intelligence into four different quadrants. Self-awareness, or
knowing oneself, self-management, or being
able to manage oneself, social awareness, or
being aware of others, and relationship management, or managing our relationships
with those around us. Emotional intelligence
is a soft skills of leadership and critical to
advancement up the ladder. Luckily, like a fine wine, we can develop and enhance our emotional intelligence
over time and with age. What is mindfulness, and why does it help in building up emotional
intelligence? Well, mindfulness is paying
attention to what is happening in the present
moment in the mind, body, and external
environment with an attitude of
curiosity and kindness. By becoming more mindful, we get to know ourselves better, which is the foundation of
emotional intelligence. Mindfulness also helps us in building compassion, empathy, and resilience, which are fundamental skills in helping
us interact with others. The science now also
backs this link between emotional
intelligence and mindfulness, as there have been many studies in neuroscience around this. Some of the studies are around the topic of neuroplasticity, or the idea that what
we do and what we pay attention to can change
our brain structure. The adult brain is
malleable and we can intentionally change the
structure of the brain. It's not just children's
brains, which can change. Pretty exciting stuff. Ready to dig in? Let's go.
3. Getting to Know Yourself: How do we get to know ourselves? Well, the first pillar of
emotional intelligence is self-awareness or
understanding our values, strengths, weaknesses,
and needs. Getting to know
ourself first and especially how we are feeling is a critical foundational piece to building strong
healthy relationships. Self-awareness is
enhancing clarity and understanding our
emotions when they arise. Mindfulness helps us to build up our understanding
of our own body, mind, and surroundings, which builds up our
self-awareness. When we focus on building
up our emotional awareness, we can understand our
emotions much better, which is critical to
enhancing our knowledge of ourselves and
gaining perspective on what is going on internally. This includes understanding
our strengths, weaknesses, values, and also gaining
self-confidence as a result. Now our body gives us major
clues on what we're feeling. Ever noticed that if you are stressed you get
inklings in the body? I know that my neck
and shoulders get tight when I'm overly stressed. When I notice that in my body, it reminds me to
take care of myself. The science backs it up
that stress and changes in the emotional system
show up first in the body. Studies have shown that
certain emotions are tied to certain
parts of the body. Imagine a time recently
when you felt angry. Where do you feel
that in the body? Now shift your thinking
to a time where you felt happy or in love. Where do you feel
that in your body? How do we get in tune
with our body enough to understand our
emotions, good or bad. Well, we can do a
mindfulness practice called a body scan. A body scan is a way to
begin to notice emotions and how the body is feeling without any need to change
what is going on. Noticing is the first step
and the most important. Let's do our first
mindfulness practice. Please sit comfortably
with your back straight, feet on the floor and
palms facing upward. Close your eyes or
lower them 45 degrees. Begin by taking a deep
breath in and out. Taking another deep
breath in and out. Begin to notice your
toes and your feet. Bring awareness to your
calves and your thighs. Notice your groin
and your abdomen. Bring awareness to your chest, your arms, hands, and fingers. Begin to notice your lower back, mid back, and upper back. Just know we tend to hold
a lot of emotion there. Notice your neck and shoulders, all the way up to your
head and your jaw. Bring a small smile
to your face. Just notice if there's any
differences as a result. Finally, just relaxing
the whole body. Taking a deep breath in and out and bringing your awareness back into the present moments. I know that one's a great one, in case you are having
trouble going to sleep, it's a really good one to
just be able to relax and get yourself back to sleep. I want you to come
on back and begin to jot down some notes in your
class project workbook. How are you feeling during
your mindfulness practice? What did you notice
in your body? You can always come back to this mindfulness activity
and practice it at home. I would suggest you
do so to build up your capacity to understand
your own emotional state.
4. Focusing on Self Management: Knowing your emotions
is one thing, but being able to manage
them is a total other one. Understanding that
I get hungry in the afternoon and being
prepared with a snack, so I don't take it
out on my employees is self-management. Taking a deep breath when your irritating coworker
brings up an idea that you disagree with rather
than responding negatively, is self-management. Getting triggered is part
of the human condition. When I'm with my mom, I can get triggered
quite frequently, although it has lessened a lot since I've
become a mother. Whether it's a spouse, a child, a boss, or a colleague, we can have emotional reactions to things. Self-awareness is noticing that our emotions are
getting triggered, but self-management is how we handle the feelings
when they arise. The definition of
self-management is our ability to manage
our behaviors, thoughts, and emotions in a
conscious and productive way. Viktor Frankl, a
Holocaust survivor and author of the book Man's
Search for Meaning said, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space, In that space is our power
to choose our response, and in our response lies our
growth and our freedom." Finding or creating
that space is how we can build up our
self-management skills. We're going to do a
little practice for this called the STOP practice. STOP stands for stop, take a breath, observe,
and then proceed. Let's walk through
each step now. The first step is stop. So often we're in stress
we will go into fight, flight, or freeze mode, but if we can just stop, we can pause in the middle of those responses and
slow things down. The second step
is three breaths. By taking three belly breaths, we can physiologically
shift the emotions in the body and become more
present to the moment. It also gives us time for
our brain to move from the amygdala or the
emotionally hijacked part of the brain to relax
and move back into the prefrontal cortex or the more rational
side of the brain. We will now take three
breaths together. Take a first deep breath in, [NOISE], and as you breathe out, [NOISE] feel the breath. Now take a second
deep breath in, and as you breathe
out, relax the body. Finally, take a third
deep breath in [NOISE], and as you breathe out
[NOISE], set an intention. The third step is observe. In the observed step, we will check in with the body, thoughts, and feelings through a short guided,
mindfulness practice. Please sit up again with
your back straight, feet on the floor,
and eyes closed. Taking a deep breath in [NOISE], and out [NOISE], taking another deep breath
in [NOISE], and out [NOISE]. Bringing attention again to your body from the feet
up through the legs, through the abdomen, chest, the back, lower, middle, upper, up through your
neck and shoulders, all the way to the
top of your head. Relaxing your whole body, taking a deep breath in [NOISE], and out [NOISE], and now bringing awareness
to your thoughts. Whether good or bad, just letting them come, just allowing them to
flow right through. Now just bringing attention
to your feelings, whether happy or sad, angry, or calm, allowing
the emotions to come without any judgment, noticing your whole system, your thoughts,
feelings, and body. Taking a deep breath in [NOISE], and out [NOISE], then coming back into
the present moment. That allows us to observe
what's going on for us, and then the final
step is proceed. Once you have slowed
down your body and mind, we have the option
to now step back, reflect, shift perspectives,
create options, and then respond flexibly. Often in stressful situations, we react without
thinking about things. The STOP practice is a great way to slow things down and respond much more effectively, thereby
showing self-management. When we practice mindfulness, this can be done in an
integrated version. It does not always
have to be sitting in a corner practicing meditation. I understand we have
children at home, phones ringing off the hook
meeting after meeting and those three belly
breaths can be taken at any moment in the midst of all of those
things you're doing, as well as observing what you're feeling by
noticing your thoughts, emotions, and your body. When you're able to do that, you're able to react
differently even in the moment. As part of your class project, think of a situation where
you've been triggered. Do the first three steps of the STOP practice and then jot down how
you would proceed. Also, begin to practice
the STOP practice regularly and jot
down what you notice.
5. Building Social Awareness: Building social awareness
is the third step in Daniel Goleman's model
of emotional intelligence. This is where we begin to
focus on other people. Here we learn to recognize
what is going on for others, such as noticing if
a team member's mood is different than normal, or if the energy in the
room of a meeting you're running is high or low. It is also where we can
build up empathy for others. Empathy is a key skill
in social awareness, this is where we can learn
to feel what others are feeling or at least
relate to the feelings. As Brene Brown an author
and researcher says, "Empathy is very
different from sympathy, empathy is where we feel
as if we're feeling what the other person is feeling sympathy as being
on the outside. Empathy fuels connection while sympathy fuels
disconnection." Neuroscience also says that as we build up
self-awareness skills, the part of the brain that
is getting impacted by that is also building
up empathy skills. The more you get
to know yourself and understand
your own emotions, the more your capacity for
empathy can develop as well. A specific tool around this is building
psychological safety, psychological safety
is the idea or shared belief that the team is safe for interpersonal
risk-taking. In psychological safe teams, team members feel
accepted and respected, take chances, and do not face
retribution as a result. How can we build
psychologically safe teams? Here are a few ways. First, promote self-awareness, understanding yourself
is the best way to build up
psychological safety. As you begin to know
yourself and understand your own biases, strengths, and values, you can then
promote self-awareness in others by helping them
to honor themselves. Second, empathize and get to know your team
members as people, getting to know your people, their strengths and weaknesses,
what motivates them, and what emotions they have on certain topics is a hallmark
of social awareness. Building up empathy skills
as well can help your team feel like you care and therefore
feels safer on the team. Third, show value and
appreciation for ideas, respect and show value for others and their
ideas or actions. Psychological safety is built through
understanding others, learning what makes them tick, and then appreciating
them for it. This is really important
in your teams, especially getting to know your people and
empathizing with them. Again, as we show more
care for our people, the more they're going
to want to work for us. As I talked to tons
and tons of leaders in my coaching and
consulting work, I really encourage
them to get to know each of their
people individually, because as they build their
individual relationship, they learn what makes them tick, what their strengths
and weaknesses are, and then they can actually
give them work and motivate them in ways that are different and unique for each one person, thereby building
really strong teams. Does your work environment have this psychological
safety component? As part of your class project, begin to practice
and implement one of the three areas
mentioned above as you navigate your work environment
to begin to build up or continue to encourage
psychological safety in your team and organization. Jot down what you
notice as you begin to implement one of
these three areas.
6. Navigating Relationships: The final step in the four-step emotional
intelligence model is navigating relationships. This is where the rubber
hits the road for emotional intelligence when we have to actually
interact and create healthy and sustainable
relationships. This is where emotional
intelligence skills are most needed. Difficult conversations
can be an integral part of building and sustaining
good relationships. When we are in a
relationship with anybody, we will have differences
of opinions and different ways that we
think or react to things, thereby setting up opportunities to have difficult conversations. In the workplace
this can show up as a disagreement
with a co-worker or a difficult conversation with your direct report about
a performance review. Whatever it is can be a
challenge to bring up and yet often necessary to
move things forward. According to the authors of the book, Difficult
Conversations. Every conversation has
three levels to it. Content, feelings, and identity. The content is what is the
story about or what happened? The feelings are
how am I feeling about this particular situation and the identity is what does this particular
situation say about me? It goes typically to three different
perspectives where we often ask ourselves,
"Am I competent? Am I a good person? Or I'm I worthy of
love and respect?" Think back to a time when you had a difficult
conversation with someone and ask yourself about the content
or what happened, your feelings, or what did
you feel in that moment, and then your identity. What did the conversation
say about you in terms of those three questions? Take a moment to jot
down your answers. Now take a step back
and think through the conversation
from the perspective of the other person. What was the content, feelings, and then
identity for that person. Jot down the three
levels for that person. Really reflect and see
what it meant for them. Does it change your perspective
on the conversation? If you had a do over, would you do something
differently? Often in difficult
conversations, we think only from
our own perspective. But if we really use
our empathy lens and think about it from
their perspective, would that change things? There are two sides
to every story, and if you decide that
the conversation, if you were to have it again, is worthwhile to have, you can relate to it more from a third-party
perspective to get to problem-solving and
to a better outcome. I know when I went through
this process myself, I really had a
different perspective. I had some difficult
conversations I needed to have with
some students of mine and how they were reacting to things
in the classroom. But when I took a
step back and really thought about it from
their perspective, I realized that they
had a point of view that I hadn't been
considering and I really needed to
think about it very differently when I had the
conversation with them. The next time you intend to have a difficult conversation, do this pre-work before
you have the conversation. Think of it from the
content, feelings, and identity from both yours and the other
person's perspective. Slow down as you think about it. Like Victor Frankel's
pause and really see how you can have this
difficult conversation in a more empathetic way. Having these difficult
conversations in a way that takes into account both people is crucial in
building up relationships, trust, and psychological safety. Remember, difficult
conversations are where the rubber hits the road
in emotional intelligence. Taking the time to
pause before having a conversation can
be really helpful. In your class project worksheet, take the time to jot down a difficult conversation
you need to have from your perspective as well as the other
person's perspective. Use this as a planning guide for when you need to have
the conversation.
7. Final Thoughts: I hope you've found
this class as relevant and useful as I have. When I first took
classes like this, I realized how important it was in managing my emotional state, interacted with people
much more effectively, as well as learning to just take a breath in moments where
things were getting heated. This is so critical
in leadership and in organizations because
professionalism, making sure that we have respect and value in
the organization is so necessary for healthy
teams and organizations. I hope you can put
some of this to practice in your
organization as well. Thank you so much for
joining me in this class, which is really so
close to my heart. I hope you are able to use the mindfulness
tools to help you build up the components of emotional intelligence
like self-awareness, self-management,
social awareness, and relationship management as
outlined by Daniel Goleman. These are essential skills to becoming the best
leader that you can be through enhancing your
emotional intelligence skills. It has been a pleasure to
have you in this class. I hope that you
continue to practice the mindfulness
practices shared here. I hope that if you share some discussions in the
discussion section, I will definitely
look forward to answering them and
participating with you. I look forward to having you in another class soon. [MUSIC]