Parenting: Discipline Hacking

1. Welcome to Discipline Hacking!: Hello everyone and welcome to the parents in workshop, discipline, hacking. We're going to discuss cigarettes. You're somebody that soldier ages ago are the parents in this event. We will learn how to serving kids emotional waves without living your lives, threatening, punishing. Or last one is, I've been teaching this trainings on hundreds of parents. And I helped us become aware of some of the most common needs and misunderstandings about this event. And also, I help them find a secret formula that makes disciplining praise and somebody to look forward. So rather than postponing or avoiding. And I will show you a far more effective way to get through. So you kids and so their happiness. As sons introduce myself, I am Molina. I am the founder of Baron up and I'm a certified parenting coach. I'm a wife and I'm imperfect mother of three little kids. I'm saying imperfect because there is no such thing as perfect parents. And when I became apparent first time, I was lost. And I felt really confused because I had hard times, listener's mind tuition, my inner self, and believing in myself as a mom are conflicted. Additional parenting advice that is so hugely available out there in the forms and shapes of books, websites, blogs, Facebook pages, and et cetera. And this is where we're gonna be learning today. And this is what you're going to take away with you by the end of this workshop. We will uncover why error event we know about discipline is actually wrong. You will find out why should skim discipline and teaching and stat. And you will get clarity what she really wants to discipline your child using my four easy steps process. 2. Where did you learn to parent?: I have a very important question for you. What is the most important job you will ever have in life? Or most likely you're going to say it's parents and parents and is a very big job. And it's not an easy one as you've gotta try them license. Can I ask you how much time have you spent on learning how to drive? Well, depending on which country you're Bayesian, you're leaving. I'm guessing you probably say it's 102030 more hours, but you definitely have invested some of your time in doing, learning how to declare and driving, and what your jobs, professions. How much time have you invested in learning how to be good in your professions? You most like they had been to schools, universities, thinking courses, trainings, classes. You did spend some time. When I ask parents how much time you spend on learning and training how to be good. And parents in that answer that I get is close to 0. Isn't that the paradox? Then most important job, these parents and, and we don't learn it. We don't spend any time on how to learn, learn how to be good at it. And that's the reason why I'm putting together this workshop and advising parents. So a great themselves and learn how to do certain areas and most of the challenging areas and parents him well. 3. The Autopilot Story: As the start of our workshop, I would like to share their story. And I call this the autopilot story, or the story of how I realize I am not prepared to the parents and I have no strategies and how to support and help my child. When my son was about 2.5 years old, he started them joint painting for one day at lots of founders Dan, and he got carried away. After finishing drawn on a paper, he decided to do some hand art on the walls. You made a huge and grants. And that made me feel so angry. I flipped out our losses. I started using my writing voice and shouting at him. And I asked to clean and straight away. I was standing right next to him. And he is of course very short and very small. And I was looking down at him, porin lime motions and my anger that at that moment I still didn't realize I was doing. Luckily, my son Sean resistance. He took a sponge. So he started cleaning, pushed most of the pain that there's still a little bit color left on the whole. I walked over again and absolve him for the same Phyton voice. Look, there's still some paint over here. Can you do a better job? And then I remember the look on his face. I can just see his question mark spoken not in his head. Why is my mom so angry? Why she's shouting at me? Why kinda leave up to her expectations? I just did my mom vest. I'm only three years old. I was having fun while I'm not good enough now, later that day when a process the whole situation and when I started coaching myself, I asked what were my expectations and clearly wanted him to make that whole totally clean. And then I ask again what we're worried about when you were doing this? Well, I was worth that we won't be able to watch them. Pains will leave in the apartment that we rents. And we have this contract with a lender that we will pay a penalty in case of the damages point case, we'll make them both during and this is when I had a massive realization that my expectations to my son and my reaction was actually built in my internal years and I was secretly hold it inside of myself. And those fears would my child away from Heaven fun. And I'm not only diminished him, but also making you miserable to the level that he started questioning his own self-esteem? I certainly did not intend it to them. I didn't want to shout at him and I didn't want to scare him. I don't want to diminish and didn't want any of those states. And that's when I felt totally, totally scared. Because I realize that my reaction and my response was driven by some on the pilot program loaded somewhere in my brain, both limb conscious and I felt like I had 0 control model. Graeme. Well, and then I thought actually air autopilots after the airplanes? No, for parents. I felt like I urgently needed to do something about my parents and style and aware discipline my son, and I seriously started doubting myself and my parents in effectiveness. The cistern resonant with you. Do you have any other similar situations where your little one property rules and you gotta triggers. We're little one showed no respect your boundaries and you flipped out. When your little one showed aggressive reactions, you asks an offer if you use it. Frightened voice and fighting words. Response, I can sell a for sure. You're not alone unless when all of the air and vacation only gets to that place once in a while. And it's not your fault. Establishing limits and creating boundaries is one of the hardest and the most difficult aspects. And parents job. And it's extra hands. Simply because we have never seen their role models. Then brilliant role models that we can draw from and saying as a great template and example to lead our children. 4. The Vicious Cycle of Traditional Discipline: When I introduced parents. So the concept of discipline and an apparent way, I invite them to think about their kids emotions and behaviors as waves in the sea. The waves that keep coming and going. And I invite them support on their surface mindsets and jump in and help the child to serve those waves effectively. And there's one thing that I would like to introduce three, is this vicious cycle of traditional parents and explain to you some fundamental things that we wish somebody explains to us ages ago. And I will show you why traditional discipline and methods do not work. Well. On the opposite, they're becoming very harmful for the long term on your child's development and their belief system. There are two things that every child wants the most in their world. It's attention and power. And whenever child is acting out or shown any unhealthful behaviors in our eyes and and our opinion. It's simply a message on their way to communicate that they're missing one of those two elements. Let's just take an example. The child throws a functional or shows unhelpful behavior, or there is a problem of tension between the parent and the kids. Whenever handguns, the parents typically will go to the traditional discipline and response method, which is all about dominating and showing your power. And I always explain this power struggle as following. So if this is the child, that child keeps pushing, and if this is the parents, the parents though. And then two of them that really enhance the when suicides can push very hard, what happens? There is a lot of resistance and nobody moves left and right. But because parents are by far more superior, they have authority. It tends to be the parents will win this power struggle. And very often it happens for this traditional parents in discipline and tactics that are based on creating ends, country, creating the fear and generating the control over the kids. When that fear occurs, that affects really shuts down all the learning centers in the child's brain. And that triggers the feelings of not being heard, understood. And as a result, the child stops learning. And on the flip side, the parents that feeling guilty and shame for the fact that they have been using with fear and control. So overcome the situations of the unharmed, unhealthful behaviors. And as a result, because parents doesn't know any other options or any other ways to resolve their struggles with their children. They go back to the same cycle and it keeps repeating over and over again, live in both bodies. The child and the parents were completely frustrated and help us have a very good news video. There is a jumping point to break this vicious cycle. 5. Everything We Know About Discipline Is Wrong: But before I will start explaining to you how to juggle this vicious cycle, I want to introduce it to the concept of real discipline. When parents comes and talk to me about their challenges with the kids. And when I asked them, what is your understanding and what is your meaning of discipline desktop thrown all different definitions. And this is just the summer and the list of what I've heard so far. One word, but it means so many different things for so many different people is a punishment or billions is a Rolls? Who is it enforcement? Is it always do the same thing or is it always do the right thing? Is consistency. Is it doing what you're told to know? Is developed thin region, or is it orange? Didn't get a choice? Or do you just simply have to come Y? And if we were to look at the discipline definition in the dictionary, we would find that it comes from the Latin word discipline and which actually means instruction and training. And the root words is coming from the millions and barren. So what exactly is discipline? Discipline is not the meaning that we currently have today, which is something that gives you this strange feeling in your body and has this negative. And energy. Discipline is about study, learning, shining, and a planet system of standards. Absolutely opposite in completely different experience of what we have today in our minds, what we're playing with kids. And to be perfectly honest, when I started working on this program, I had serious doubts whether I even shouldn't use the word discipline, given the fact that it is so misunderstood, wouldn't be the right thing for me to use in my course. And I realized that if I don't use this various, I will most likely not be able to reach the parents and rich there people who need to hear the key message you bought. What's the true meaning of the discipline? So from here on, I'm going to use the word discipline. But what I really would be meaning all the time when I say this word is actually teaching. 6. 2 Things That Kids Need The Most: And this is one of my favorite slides, are often invited parents. So remember and think of Charles behavior as an iceberg. When the icebreakers floating in the sea, we actually can see only 20% of its tip. The rest, 80% is under the order. The child's behavior is not its real meaning, it's not its real name. So every parent is too deep to understand what is the child shrines of communicates. Children haven't pooling, develop their abilities to express what they feel, what they need. And they usually use their voice and these behaviors as a way to interpret. And the liberals who asked his message. And you always want to remember that there are fundamentally three different ways that every child, as we've already mentioned, two of them for attention and the power. Attention is the need for a child to feel like they're being heard scene and feel like their importance. The power is the need for a child to know that they are having some impact on this world and the reality. And they have a choice. It's this choice muscle that they also practice a stretch every single day. And then the physical net is the third one. And here I would like to use Dan Siegel abbreviation. And he calls hold age for hunger, for anger, L for belongingness, and see for tightness. If you see Annual his physical needs of your child, needs to simply remember. The child doesn't mean behave Siegel away. That don't mean you believe parents or give them hard times. Its themselves they have at the moment. If they're hungry, give them snacks, give them false to make them feel better. If they're angry. Findall safe, emotionally safe space for them to count down. If they're long legs, give them love and hogs in all the wars that they would need to find their piece again. And if they're tired of always stimulated, given the tranquility and calm against and remove open structure that might, you, might be making them feel really, really tight at that moment. 7. Start Creating Your Unique Discipline Zone: And now we're getting suited very excited part of our workshops with them and working on my four steps process. And I'll take you through this one by one before we dive into the tools and techniques and how to discipline your kids in house, teach them. Let's do a very simple activity. Download the workbook, and the workbook comes together with this workshop CO2, the typical behave and say table that corresponds to the age group of your child's. I've enlisted some typical behaviors that I've heard and Lord is from hundreds of parents, mentioned that they would like three children. So stanza and stopped doing, continued doing. Have a look at those lists. Those behaviors, resumes. Are they on your discipline wishlist? If you can find something that resonates with you, I've left some empty lines for you to write something that is on your list. So I'm going to give you a couple of minutes here. You could just pause and then come back to our video when you're finished. And when you complete writing down your discipline. Who can list? We will start with step number one. To make it very relatable for you, I would like to share my little zone list. There are four items that have some points were on my list of mine and my husband's list that we wanted to discipline our Sun. And a very interesting behavior he likes and whether he actually still has this been earring, hasn't outgrown of it yet. So we're really hoping is going to happen soon. So he insists on pressing the buttons in the left, wants to be the only person who does that. And he wants to be always the first-person protests led. And if it doesn't happen, if somebody's obscene or I forget and I accidentally press the buttons, he goes into massive function. At some point it was really Tyrion and knew my husband said, look, it has to stop. We have to teach him somehow in some way to stop doing it. So we immediately put their behavior on the list of stop dough. And then we had a couple of things about incentives Deaner and having our Dina times together. So we notice that we had a lot of battles with our son in regards to went to have his dinner. So one even anamorphic fortune, he is 2D and other immune would be in between. Another area would be offset. This whole feeling of inconsistency was just driving us mad. So we put this into standard and we both agreed with my my husband that it would be before he watches me. And the second part about having our dealers was about having to gather. Mean my husband recovered from the feminists, where we grow out the DNS or having dinner together. So we thought we should do exactly the same. And then the final visit was about watching TV. It was the moment when our son started asking watching severe any random times of the day, morning, afternoon, and we felt like we really want to be consistent here. Wanna set up a particular time of the day and specific amount of time that he will be watching. It doesn't come to or obsessive bore him or he doesn't become addicted to watching the TV. So we put this one on the list, but we put this as something to continue doing because we were very lucky in the way that in the very early days we introduced the whole concept for him. That he shouldn't originally once a day, in the evening for 30 minutes or just required to reinforce that. So he stopped asking and some random times of the day Washington CV. So there was my disciplines or items. And I hope by now you have created yours and you're ready to take a look at step number one. 8. Step 1: So step number one, this is something you would like to do even before you jump into using any discipline and methods and draws. Ask yourself a question. At what cost should I have it my way? If I were to choose discipline some items and what courts should have, really, really have it my way. And to show how it works in practice, I'm going to use my disciplines zone list. So remember buttons topic. To ask myself, what would it cost me? I would insist not pseudo it and actually didn't cost me anything. The guy clearly was having fun and he felt great wine. Let's take it away from him. So I came to Cal goes on at potentially because it doesn't cost me anything. I should be okay to let it go. It in dinner before watching TV. Again, it's in cosmic elephants, either before or after he watched TV. So I felt like it would be okay to negotiate that. But it was a little bit different when it comes to its an observer together with a family name. So both me and my husband who came from the place where ds with a special time or almost like your ritual where everybody will sit down, SharePoint happens during that day. Acknowledge each are there. And that became something that we felt was non-negotiable and we wanted to discipline and really teach our kids on. And then the last space watching TV on the, in the evenness with better minutes, we also value with something nonnegotiable because the costs were extremely high. We're talking about health, eyes, brains development. So really knew that this is something we have to stick with. Are you ready for the step number so. 9. Step 2: Here comes the same, just like step number one. Ask yourself these questions even before you start using your discipline calls and techniques. What is my child likely to conclude? Environments you say or do it my way? Or in other words, what belief system will my child form you forward to do it my way. And when you ask yourself those questions against every specific item that you listed in your discipline, best. Listen carefully to the answers that are more up. Don't criticize them, don't dismiss them, don't judge them. Just let them surface and write them down. And I'm gonna use my disciplines onto showing what came out or s. Well my list. So pressing the buttons story, one of the possible beliefs that my son could have created the hour to choose. So discipline and stop him from pressing those buttons would be icon shoes when I can have fun. Are there's no better phoneme. What is good for me? So to me it didn't really sound like a helpful belief. And I thought that's probably not something I would like to keep. Isn't it? Uh, before watching severe, my child could have come up with there with the belief that there is a routine and unstructured mundane, which is OK, which is great. It's a helpful belief. But at the same time, I don't have control over my routine. I don't have any choice over design and how we want this to be. Then again, could have led to further belief that others know better what is good for me, and that might lead to a decrease in sub competence and decrease in service Tim. So to me again, at some of the like, something I would seriously consider doing isn't denote that, say a table together with a family would result in creating a prominent belief. Sandra's, My family is precious and embeddable and something that I would like to have more inconsistently. Sounds like a keeper, Sounds like a great believed to have. When you grow up watching TV on in the unit, 30 minutes would result in a potential that if system, thus Washington right amount of 2D is okay. And when I watch TV, I can learn something very relevant, valuable from the programs. Again, that sounds like something we would want to keep. I hope you're progressing well with your items and whenever you ready. Let's jumping into the step number three. 10. Step 3: Step number three, you would want to ask yourself a question, and I'm going to use a quote from Dr. Charlotte safari because she formulated at so nicely chicken with yourself and your boundary. Is it reasonably sand or in stone, is something that you are very consistent and fair about, or is this something that you keep changing all the time and becomes wishy-washy. And it's not somebody you really feel physically and all the energetic coil, Hello. Is this the case in context? Some of you boundaries to be respected by your children because you see children pick up on inconsistencies, especially if that inconsistency is coming from the IR plate. So whenever you choose to discipline your child on something very critical on some behavior, ask yourself a question. Mit and consistent is my boundary Britain incent point stomp. Like for example, in my case, while we were gone from my discipline zone list, we discover the pressing the bubbles in their lives begin completely redundant when you don't want to enforce that. Every not even once, right in Neil said no in stone. However, isn't dinner. We fortunately and eaten dinner. Whole family was clearly something that we have written in sands. Both me and my husband, we were responsible and contributed. So the conflict, the struggle of behalf without champ, because we kept changing at every evening. So we agreed that's watching TV before after dinner will remain flexible, so we'll keep it incense. But having it together seated at the table will become in stone. And watching TV only in the Union. 30 minutes has always been installed for us and we decided to keep it same way, not more than entity. So the sense zone. 11. Step 4: Step number four. You can't give your child, which don't have yourself. This is a quote from Bernard brown because she formulates it again so nicely. You can't expect your children to behave the way you don't behave yourself. In count expect when children, so do something that you don't know yourself. And in general, there are no bad on misbehaving kids. Most of the discipline issues for children that curve because of lack of discipline within the hands and cells. And I will show you a couple of very classic and typical scenarios where this famous comes into the picture. Where parents do something themselves, but they expect the children to do something completely different. And that's where the power struggles begin. Pulling hunger. When the child is hungry and you're just in the middle of coconut, Dina did sell him to put his next down, put them away, and wait for the dealer. But realistically, ask yourself a question when you are hungry. When new Turkish With a year ago to go and secretly sneak, have some codes. Or if you're one of the lucky ones who knows how to control that, then for shrieking, go ahead and reinforce a part of the discipline and kids behavior. But if you're the one who does grip something, so snag before the Dean at sign. Remember, the fan is points will allow your kids to have a little snack before because they might be really feeling hungry. And Turkish. Honesty make enough stories to make the children behave. Unfortunately, it's one of those tools and techniques that we are occassionally might be using because it helps us to get the cooperation from children. I've got this brilliant story from one of my clients and I got the impression to share it. So the Keynesian mean with the challenges in eating habits and eating problems. And they were asking, how can I encourage my daughter to ISS? And they told me that they really wonders if the Yorkers, which in general she is Kim, to eat as long as their chocolate chips in it. And because they were concerned about the sugar intake, started swapping their chocolate chips with raisins. And because she was still very relatable and nonverbal, she couldn't express result. Humans just eating the way it is. They asked me pull that the okay. Is it okay if we continue to do that as I'm sure it will, your kids, you can see that due to certain level and the point when she starts talking and she will really discovered, realize that you guys have been remaking the story's all this time. And that would be the point of honesty and her asking the question, can I trust my parents? Are there any other stories that demanding make it up, to be honest, is something you want to instill from the very early stages and hungry kids, growth and development. If you expect them to talk to you and share with full honesty that things that happen in their life and not Lights, you. Make sure that you're being honest. And some of them. Sharing is another big topic. We always hear in the playground. Sharing these Karen and we for some reason insist that our kids give their precious and was variable toys to some strangers. So the advocates, but realistically speaking, as ask ourself a question, how fair it is. So ask and expect our kids to do that. Would you be willing yourself to give your mobile phone or the keys to your favorite car. So total state, Stranger in the park. So if we don't do that, why we expected our PC. 12. Finalize Your Discipline Zone: Step number four, and we get into the next phase of the process. We will be putting this all together. And this is where I would like you to go to the exhibit. And number two, look at the list of all the behaviors that you have highlighted as important for you. After getting familiar with four steps, which are the behaviors would you remove from your list, and which are the behaviors we should keep or would be willing to negotiate. Also, here, if you would like to take the time to complete this table. And you can play again when you're ready. Give a picture of what my disciplines on start looking like after I've gone through these four steps process, we clearly realized that we will remove precedent buttons. Item was nothing that was holding us to it. But then eaten dinner before Washington beam with thought, Okay, my habits negotiate that a could be before, it could be after dinner. We will leave it in sands, whereas one item that we will be keeping them out tables will be isn't the deals together as a whole permanent and will continue watching TV on a onetime per day in the evening for 30 minutes. Was it after this stage? It was my moments of going and discovering tools and techniques that are used to teach my son about all the items in my disciplines on and about that. If you would like to know more of my techniques and my tools and some of the best practices, I would like to extend a mutation. So my discipline ratified the course, the course that will teach you how to skim discipline and how to start teaching. 13. Thank you!: And I would like to acknowledge the new sticking around and beam here until the very ends of our webinar. Thank you.