Become An Amazing Conversationalist - How to Connect And Build Chemistry With Anyone | Anthony Recenello | Skillshare
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Become An Amazing Conversationalist - How to Connect And Build Chemistry With Anyone

teacher avatar Anthony Recenello, Social Skills + Relationship Coach

Watch this class and thousands more

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Watch this class and thousands more

Get unlimited access to every class
Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Lessons in This Class

    • 1.

      Welcome To The Class

      2:53

    • 2.

      The Purpose Of Interaction

      6:04

    • 3.

      Engagement

      17:53

    • 4.

      Positivity

      12:28

    • 5.

      The Laughing Rule Of Thumb

      1:41

    • 6.

      Vulnerability

      7:55

    • 7.

      Leading

      7:08

    • 8.

      Assuming Friendship

      6:57

    • 9.

      What NOT To Talk About

      4:49

    • 10.

      Rules Are Meant To Be Broken

      2:32

    • 11.

      Good Social Skills Always Wins

      3:19

    • 12.

      It's Not About How You Act, But React

      4:48

    • 13.

      As Long As You Have Good Intentions

      2:35

    • 14.

      The Easiest Part Of Socializing

      3:48

    • 15.

      It's A Two-Person Art

      2:01

    • 16.

      Why Are You There?

      3:28

    • 17.

      The First Three Minutes

      1:31

    • 18.

      Don't Approach Anyone

      3:53

    • 19.

      Context

      2:01

    • 20.

      Compliment

      7:01

    • 21.

      Introduce Yourself

      3:14

    • 22.

      Your Vibe

      2:53

    • 23.

      Chemistry

      2:15

    • 24.

      Only Two Things In Conversation

      22:16

    • 25.

      Listening + Relating

      11:25

    • 26.

      Threading

      14:45

    • 27.

      Awareness

      2:41

    • 28.

      Two Sides Of Every Person

      21:03

    • 29.

      Advancing The Relationship

      10:59

    • 30.

      Conversation Exercises

      2:48

    • 31.

      Get There Early

      5:42

    • 32.

      The Party Host

      3:12

    • 33.

      The Funnel Method

      13:54

    • 34.

      Meditative Mingling

      16:16

    • 35.

      Managing Logistics

      9:29

    • 36.

      Finishing Up

      3:33

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About This Class

Become An Amazing Conversationalist - How to Connect And Build Chemistry With Anyone

The most beautiful instances in life are when we find that perfect chemistry with a new friend.

I’ve been studying human connection for 20+ years. And every time I look for resources on how to connect with someone, the results usually come up short. Conversation is easy, conversation is simple, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get confusing. So often people are focused on the wrong things and they end up spinning their tires, as they can be “doing” a lot—but none of it actually brings dramatic results in terms of the relationships you really want in your life.

That’s why I created this class. I wanted to produce a thorough step-by-step method anyone can use when beginning interactions in almost any context—whether business or making friends in general.

Section One - Before You Speak

The first section is the most important, and will be the defining factor in whether you become a great conversationalist. It’s all about what happens beneath the words. Because body language and tonality are the most important aspects of connection and chemistry with another person, it’s important that you master these techniques and mindsets before you even open your mouth.

Section Two - Starting Conversation

The biggest place most people screw-up an interaction is in the first 30 seconds. It’s the part of any new relationship that holds the most anxiety. “What do I say?” “How do I act?” After this section, you’ll no longer be dreading job interviews or saying hi to that interesting person in the cafeteria.

Section Three - Holding Conversation

When I used to struggle with conversation, it always felt like walking a tightrope—where the further I got, the more likely I could screw it all up!

Here’s what ran through my head while meeting someone new:

  • “What if I run out of things to say?”
  • “What if I say something stupid?”
  • “What if they realize I’m boring?”

In this section, I’ll show you everything I know about how to connect with the right people. I’m giving you social techniques so you always have fun, interesting conversation flowing at all times.

Section Four - Working The Room

The final section shows you how to put all your skills together when at a social event such as a party, bar, cafe, convention, or wherever you are meeting new people. We’ll talk about something I call “meditative mingling”—along with a bunch of other tools to manage your anxiety in rooms full of people. Often social skills are taught out of context from real-life situations. That’s why it’s important to learn how to manage the pandemonium of nightlife and social functions in general.

Who am I?

My name is Anthony Recenello - I'm a social skills and relationship coach working in Los Angeles, CA. “What do I say?” is probably the question I’m asked most in my 15+ years of helping people meet someone new.

I’ve been featured in The New York Times, CNN, FOX, VICE, and many more publications for my ability to teach all kinds of people how to be a charming individual and meet the right people.

I’m excited to make this my first class on Skillshare, and hopefully release more classes as time goes on.

Other Useful Links:

Interested in private coaching? - https://recenello.com/coaching

My twice-a-week live podcast - https://youtube.com/BetasPodcast

My main YouTube channel - https://youtube.com/AnthonyRecenello

Instagram - https://instagram.com/anthonyrecenello

Meet Your Teacher

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Anthony Recenello

Social Skills + Relationship Coach

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Transcripts

1. Welcome To The Class: Meeting new people is one of the scariest things to do no matter who you are meeting with someone for a job interview or just making new friends in general, there's so many aspects to meeting someone new. What do I say? How do I keep the conversation going past ten seconds? How do I know if this person even wants to be talking to me? The list goes on and on. Well now you could learn everything you wanted to know about conversation in just four hours and that's what we'll be doing in this class. My name is Anthony. Hello, In this class I'm gonna show you exactly what you need to know in order to become a great conversationalist and create chemistry with all the right people, whether for friendships or even business relationships. And it doesn't matter what gender you are or your experience level. Social skills are universal. The most amazing conversationalists all do the same things. And that's what I've spent the past 20 years of my life studying. I started learning about social skills and conversation way back in 2002. And you could say I was socially handicapped when my friends wanted to go out to meet new people on the weekends, I was the one freaking out. I didn't know the right words that people wanted to hear, but I realized I was passionate about the art of meeting new people soon after I started helping people on this same exact thing. And it wasn't before long that major publications caught wind of the progress I was making for so many different people and places like the New York Times, CNN, fox, and a ton more media outlets invited me to explain how I could build strong chemistry with the right people so quickly and easily. Soon after that, I started a YouTube channel teaching millions the art of being a great conversationalists. That channel now has over 230 thousand subscribers. Now you don't have to be a social skills expert in order to be an amazing conversationalist. In fact, I spent all those years figuring out how to make it easier and more fun and effective for you, not more complicated. And so in this class I'm going to teach you everything you need to know as a conversationalist, whether you're an outgoing extrovert or a quiet introvert, we're going to cover tons of stuff including how to figure out what to actually say and do when you start a conversation with anyone, we're gonna talk about how to actually do eye contact in a way that gets people engaged and focused on you. What about how to ask questions that get somebody opening up and talking to you instantly, then we'll put it all together when learning how to work a room such as a party, a night out with friends, or even just a cafe. And I rarely will be telling you what to say because this course teaches you how to just have words flowing out of you naturally in your own unique way. And I'm gonna teach you in a step-by-step fashion conversation should be fun. So after this course, I know you're gonna have so much more fun, confidence and success when interacting with anyone, your boss, a new client, or a potential new friends. So if you're looking to be a great conversation list, I'd love for you to join me in this class and I'll see you on the other side. 2. The Purpose Of Interaction: Hey, my name is Anthony. Hello, I'm a social and relationship coach living in Los Angeles, California. I've been doing this for the past 15 years that since around, I don't know, 2005 in this class you're going to learn the four main tenants of what makes a great conversationalist. The first is all about what happens before you speak. What happens in-between the lines in-between the words. And I made it first because it's the most important. I don't want you to go Oh, let me skip this part and go to the starting The holding the conversation. I want to know the word. Honestly, I'm telling you this is the most important. This is the difference. I just want you to think about this. This is the difference between a comedian going on stage, telling a joke. It kills everyone's full of laughter, Sir. Next comedian goes up, says this same exact joke, same exact words. It bombs. Everybody is cringing. This is what we're about to learn right here. It's all about what is in-between the word. So let's talk about it. Alright? Purpose of interacting. I like to get underneath. I like to know the lie because if I know the y, then I'm able to actually operate with a purpose. So when humans interact with each other, There's three main dynamics that they do. Number one is an exchange of information. When you're exchanging information, this is like basic stuff that you do at work. Oh, hey, can you give me the numbers on whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The person says it back to you. You have exchanged information. Maybe you're at the grocery or your favorite coffee shop. And the barista says, Hey, what would you like? And you say, I'd like a venti mocha **** alone. The lacI, naughty. You got it. We understand that number two is an exchange of power. This is what most people think conversation is about. But a positive example of having power in conversation is if you're leading a group, but this is more for people like politicians, leaders of companies, managers, not really for personal relationships and doesn't have anything to do with personal one-on-one, intimate relationships, friendly relationships, or even business relationships, one-on-one doesn't have much to do with that. The third dynamic of how humans interact with each other is the dynamic, the exchange of love. Now, this is the most powerful, the most pure, the most beautiful way to interact with somebody when two people are exchanging love with each other. Now this doesn't mean like, oh, making love to my lava. It doesn't mean like, oh, my little niece, I love her so much. It means anytime you interact with a human, I want to get into this. When two people are interacting based on the loved dynamic, it is the best feeling in the world for both of them. It creates a great feeling of joy and why it is because it is two people acknowledging their shared human experience with each other by relating emotionally. Now, that was a mouthful. So let me say it again to y2 people exchanging their shared human experience with each other. When two people come together, one-person shows, Hey, I live on this planet, I experience all of these emotions. I'm going through these things in day-to-day life. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I feel excited, sometimes I feel angry. And then you relay that to another person. They feel that exact thing and then they reciprocate those exact experiences and emotions back to you. There's no better feeling when two people could vulnerable ie, do that with each other. This is what creates a strong feeling of love and attraction between two people. I spent my life working on how to figure this out. A really simple way of explaining this is a connection to people having a connection with each other. Two people have in chemistry with each other. And this is what we're gonna focus on for the rest of the course. Now when two people are sharing an elevated connection, one that is set apart from a connection that they've had with anybody else in the last however many days, months, whatever, somebody that you feel like, wow, we're really connecting on the shared human experience right now. That is when two people are gonna want to get into a relationship with each other. Now, this doesn't have to mean a relationship like, Oh, we're gonna get married or we're going to be best friends for life. It could be two people that want to spend a little more time together. It could be whatever you want out of a relationship. But the important part of it is that it enables to people to want that in each other. That is the purpose of interacting. Remember, stay away from a power exchange. And very rarely are we going to do an exchange of information. Unless of course, we were like asking the person, oh, where are you from? Just to get an idea, just to get acquainted. But after that, it's all that vibe of love baby. And in the next video we're gonna talk about what I call engagement. 3. Engagement: Let's talk about what being engaged means when you're interacting with somebody. So first of all, being engaged is the foundation of a great interaction with somebody. It enables to people to feel such a strong connection with each other, despite saying nothing more powerfully than two people that are just mindlessly blebbing with each other. Now of course, words make a conversation richer and have more context, but that comes next. Nothing ever should come before your practice of engaging with another person. So first off, how can you be engaged with somebody? It's all about, like I said, love. And with this, it's loving the person that you're interacting with, loving the person that is right in front of you, seeing them as the most important person in your life at that very moment, and why? Because they are the most important person in your life at that very moment. So treat them as such. How can you do this though? You can't just look at a stranger and feel love for them, can you? Yes, you can. And how do we do that? It's about wiping away that facade of our identities. Oh, this person is from this country. This person looks like this. Take all that away, look at just the soul. Try to look at them just for their soul. Because everybody, every single person on earth is living the same exact human experience that you are. Now, that doesn't mean the same experience says, but everybody is born. Everybody has the same emotions. And I'm telling you, you may not think it, but people that you perceive as maybe higher than you were lower than you, they all are experiencing very similar lives on the inside. And when you could step back and look at a person, at the person in front of you, taking away all of that ego, all of that facade, and all of that ego and facade that you have and realize that you are just two human souls that are on this planet at the same exact time. Out of the millions and millions of years of the earth, or out of the thousands of years that humans have existed. U2 are in the same exact spot, at the same exact time, sharing the human experience That's so beautiful. And to realize that there's a life in there. There's a soul, there's a person inside this body with all the facade, the look, the act, the way they say I'm Cajon, right outside of all that stuff, they are sharing what you are experiencing as well. When you could get to that very simple, pure understanding, acknowledgment of what people are, who this person is in front of you. That's when you can begin to feel love for them without even knowing them. You may be watching this course and you may be going, Oh Anthony, This is great. This is an amazing idea, or you might be going, This is crap, this is stupid. But what is very important here is that you practice this every time you interact with anybody. I lived in New York for like six or seven years and I coached there a lot, one-on-one social skills relationship coaching with people. The one thing that I talked to them about is when they left their apartment in the morning, the way that they interact with their door man is going to be the same exact way that they interact with somebody at a bar or a party or on a first date that night. If we start the day off detached from other humans, and then we expect to go into an interaction later in the day. Connected. It's going to be much more difficult because you've already built up all that momentum of being detached, seeing people with an identity, seeing people disconnected from Mu, which so important is the second you wake up, the second knew see another person. I want you to practice that idea of love to remember that they are sharing the human experience with you. Everybody is, everybody is trying their hardest. Everybody's trying to put on a costume, try to be somebody to based on the values that they personally learned in their lives. And that's okay. What's the most important is to take all that away and look at them for who they truly are. A soul, a human soul, living life just as you are at the exact same time, anytime you are around any person, you don't even have to be interacting with them. I just want that in your head. Say you're in an elevator and you're not talking to anybody, it's going to be weird to talk to somebody in an elevator. But you see the people around you. I want you to imagine that they're living these lives. They're trying their hardest just as much as you are, despite what our egos assume their intentions really are. Oh, this person's a manipulative person. This person is not nice. Oh, this person is not cool, whatever, take all that away. These are just humans. These are just people experiencing an elevator would view at this exact moment. They're trying to live a life. They're trying to be happy. They're trying to be successful in whatever way they can. I want you to empathize with that. I want you to admire that and I want you to love them for that next further than just loving the person that's in front of you, I want you to also practice making them feel uniquely loved because as much as we all are sharing the same human and experience at the same time. This is a unique human soul. This is one in billions. And so are you when you can make that person feel special for who they are, that one person out of billions, that one soul, there's a very strong connection that, that person feels with you. There's a love that they will want to reciprocate back to you. Why? Because you noticed them. You noticed who they really are beneath all of that. It's so funny. I see all of these people on the internet talking about conversation in a way where you have to look at their outside, you have to look at their facade. Oh, this is a high-value. This is a low value, whatever. It doesn't matter. The way that they're teaching to interact with that is, they're saying, compete with their facade, fight with this stuff. And guess what? Everybody has different perceptions of how valuable you are as a person and how whatever you are as a person, when you start going head-to-head with somebody's ego, it's gonna be very hard to win. And also it's not a fruitful success because there's, it's just surface level, superficial connection and attraction. It's not real when you can wipe that away and see that person for who they truly are and appreciate them and love them for who they truly are. There is no better feeling for that person when somebody sees them. Beyond all the bull crap. I'm telling you guys, I've been working on this for so long. I've been practicing this stuff for so long and I've been teaching it for so long. And I'm telling you when you can first start practicing this and start seeing how somebody responds to you differently. Just before you even say anything, just how you look at them. It really will blow your mind to see how simple this concept is, how easy this concept is. It takes listen, I'm not going to like, it takes a lot of swallowing your pride. It takes a lot of going, Wow, I'm so used to using my ego when interacting with somebody that to move it away and to look past other people's egos. I'm so used to doing that, that it takes a little bit of, like I said, swallowing your pride. It takes a little bit of that first, initial effort. But after you do that, wow, this is so easy, this is so simple to do. And it's so fast how somebody responds to it. I swear it is. It's crazy to see the reaction of how people interact with you for now. I'm so excited to see what your experiences of just sending love to another person, past all of the ego that you may have and that they may have. So when two people are acknowledging that shared human experience, they realize how similar they are. And that is when they could feel that strong love for each other. This is what being engaged means. When you realize all these things, you're gonna view that person as the most important person in your life at that very moment. At first, it may sound just like this thing that I'm telling you to do and you're like, Okay, I'm going to treat them like the most important person. But once you start practicing this, being engaged dynamic, you're going to realize that, Wow, this really is the most important person in my life right now. And so if this is the most important person in your life at this moment, that means that you shift all of your attention onto them. Know, thinking about what you want to eat for dinner. No thinking about the person you swiped right on ten Ds. Know even thinking about what's going on in your phone and not even thinking about the words that you need to say. Unimportant. All you need is that basic foundational love for that person and to see them for who they truly are. Human soul experiencing life. Just as you are, shift all of your focus on to giving them the attention that they deserve. So this also enables the interaction to be as fun and fulfilling as possible. The biggest reason why most conversations really don't pan out is because you don't see the potential in them. I know what's going on in your mind. You go, yeah, he's really good-looking. She seems really cool. But what are the chances that we're going to connect or they're going to like me or I'm gonna like them. If you have all of these assumptions in your head. Yeah, it's not gonna work out because you're thinking you're not paying attention to the person. You're not being engaged with the person. But the second you do, all of those thoughts, all of those assumptions go away and you interact with them on the highest level possible, which enables tool people to have the fun that they actually would love to have with each other for people that are visual. A good visual for this is I love to see people as islands. Every person is an island and I'm the Explorer. I know every island has gold on it. Treasure, one of those treasure chests with lots of gold. I know every person has that. And it's my job to look for it. That's the headspace that I want to have when I interact with everybody, I'm trying to find what I can love about that person beyond just our human experience. And that's why I put so much focus onto each person I meet. And so what is the most simple, practical way to practice your engagement with another person? These two bad boys. I contact now the word eye contact already has this thing about it that I don't like. I don't want you to just be staring at people's eyes. That's not the purpose of eye contact. The purpose of eye contact is to practice engagement. So what you're actually doing is you are watching a person, you're watching their face, you're watching their expressions, their body language, and you're seeing how those expressions change and mold and grow and progress at every millisecond. Now this is why it's so important to keep unwavering eye contact Onto the person while you're interacting with them. Because if you turn away for 1 second, you could be missing small micro expression on that person's face, which could be actually exhibiting what they are really trying to say or what they're really feeling. That when you do that, that person is noticing that you're not truly engaged with them. And that's when they acknowledge you as a person with low level social skills or low level of happiness and love for yourself, for your life and the people around you remember happy, confident people. They love everything around them at that moment. They loved themselves at that moment, they loved the people around them at that moment, if you notice negative people, angry people, they're always getting in fights. They're always arguing. They're always retreating from groups, retreating from people interactions. Why? Because they don't like their life because they're not happy. And that means that they reflect that in wherever they go at any moment. Happy people, they're interacting with people fully engaged with full attention onto them at every second, not one moment should you be taking your attention away from that person? And you saw me hesitate for a second there. That's because I wanted to say yes. At times, you're allowed to move your eyes away. Maybe you wanted to think about something. Oh, yeah. And then you can come back. That's okay. That's natural. But let's say like 90% of the time, I want you focused on that person. And what you're actually going to realize happens is all that time you're used to looking out and doing all that type of introspective stuff. You're going to notice that you're gonna be able to do that while you're looking at the person. Now, I once had a very high-level client who was on the autism spectrum and he said to me, Anthony, I cannot keep eye contact like you can. I'm on the spectrum. It makes me uncomfortable to keep such strong eye contact. And within five minutes I was able to teach him how to keep unwavering eye contact with people that he's interacting with. And it be comfortable in relaxing and pause it and a positive experience for them. And what I taught him is exactly what I'm teaching you now. I contact is not staring in a, in a person's eyes, staring at their face while you're trying to think about things or whatever, you could lose yourself in the person's face. It doesn't have to be this active thing where you're like, Okay. Okay. All right. You can lose yourself. Just turn on, turn your emotions on autopilot and just relax while listening to them. You could go into your head. You could start imagining things while you're listening to somebody, while you're speaking to somebody, It's almost as though you're looking past them right through them. And that is going to be able to make you so much more comfortable while you're having an interaction and being fully engaged with that unwavering eye contact. Something really cool about practicing eye contact or soul gazing or whatever you want to call it, is, when you lock into that person and they lock back into you and they'll feel compelled to, because you're being so engaged with them is it's going to feel very intimate with that person very quickly. Now that can be with anybody, like I said, personal relationships, business relationships, romantic relationships. That intimacy is that feeling of a strong connection. That feeling of love for each other, that feeling like they are connected to each other, to floating human souls connected for a moment together when you keep that unwavering eye contact and you practice watching their face, watching, observing their expressions at every given moment, listening for how they make their tone. Also being very aware of the rhythms and changes in their voice, their tonality of their voice. No a good way to practice this unwavering eye contact or soul gazing. I've noticed there's something, I think it's natural for humans when they're very focused to tilt their head down a little bit as they're listening. And I think I don't know exactly why it works so well, but I think it enables ourselves to focus even more. It's kind of like putting blinders on ourselves. When you tilt your head down a little bit, when you listen, it's really helpful for yourself, but also it's assigned to the other person of how much you are actually focused on them. So that is the video for engagement. And in the next video we're going to focus on positivity and why it is so darn important. 4. Positivity: All right, welcome back to the class. Once again, my name is Anthony, and this is the conversation class. In this video, we're gonna be talking about positivity and why. It's paramount to conversation. There is never a reason to be negative. There's never a reason. I mean, you can be negative. It's okay. But it's rarely going to help you. Now listen. All rules are meant to be broken and every now and then I like to van and get a grade and let it all out, and that's okay. But for the most part, it's important to be positive at all times. And especially, and this is where I'm getting two boys and girls and everyone else, especially during conversation. I so often I see people get into conversation and then they start talking about the negative things going on in their lives. Now, when somebody interacts with you for the first time, they're judging the book by its cover. And honestly, I agree. I think you should judge a book by its cover. In all of my thousands of interactions throughout my life, I've realized that the way that somebody interacts with you when you first meet them, that's basically who they are. And it goes for the same when people meet you, when somebody meets you and you are being negative or you're acting like this or whatever. That's how they're going to remember you until they see you again. And then your connection with them and their idea of you grows and progresses. But it's that first interaction that's the most important because that's the make or break. If you like that person and they like do, but they're like, Wow, But he kept talking about how ****** off he was that person cutting them off, man. I mean, why can't you just get over that? I want you to always remember. People are going to remember your vibe with them more than your words. If you think about the last person you met, are you thinking about what they said to you? Are you thinking about how you felt around them? Are you thinking about what they evoked to you and the world around them? The next thing about positivity is past activities contagious, and it's an admirable quality in somebody. Most people are not happy all the time. Most people are not happy at all. Most people are not very positive people. So when they meet somebody that is so positive, it's inspiring. People want to be around that type of person. And the other thing is it helps the room feel more positive, feel more happy, get in that good fun mood in all saying maybe that's why we watch comedies. Positivity always makes interactions more enjoyable. And I know this might be hard for you to take in. But the most attractive thing about a person is how happy they are. Now I know you may not believe me when I spew these words out of my mouth. But it's the truth now, even when something negative in your life happens, listen, you're allowed to get a little miffed. You're allowed to get a little bit upset. But it's important on the inside to know that you're living life baby. You get, you've been given the most beautiful gift. You could ever be given baby, to be living, to live life on this earth for 72, however many years, you're so darn lucky to get to experience all of this, to get to experience your senses, to get to have a body that you get to use like a, like a really complex robot to get to go play and hang out with other people that have bodies that get to move around and stuff like that. You're so **** lucky. Really, really underneath. You should always be feeling that strong, deep appreciation for being alive regardless of your outside experience. Of course, on the top, you're allowed to get a little ****** off at somebody that cut you off or whatever. But that's all surface level stuff. While underneath, it's not going to affect you the way that it used to. It's not going to affect you as much as it will other people. Now I'm really nutshell thing like some pretty big philosophical kind of deep stuff like Buddhism or whatever. And listen, this is stuff that you could spend your entire life studying and practicing. But for the purpose of this conversation course, let's just say, let's just stay positive whenever we can. Okay. Something that I've been trying to figure out for a while is why my mood can shift from positive to negative. Too tired to sad, too excited so quickly. I've been really trying to figure out why it does this happen so often. I realized. There's a lot of things in my health that were affecting my mood. For instance, if I'm crashing from caffeine, Let's say I had a cup of coffee in a couple of hours later I started crashing. You know what that crashing feeling you get on edge. Every little thing is annoying you. It is almost impossible to feel positive when I'm crashing from coffee or when I'm tired, I haven't slept or if I'm drunk, believe it or not, alcohol does not make you feel happier than you can without it. So what I realized is when I started removing all of these variables that I would put into my body or do things like not sleep. Enough. When I started removing all of those problems, my mood began to get really normalized and consistent. Maybe I wouldn't have that extreme excited feeling after I had a big cup of coffee or an energy drink. But I also wouldn't shoot down to 0. A couple hours later. I would stay at this consistent good feeling if I'm exercising regularly, I'm sleeping well, I'm eating really healthy. I'm not putting drugs into my system like caffeine, like alcohol, like whatever. That's bringing me up, giving me all these ups and downs. So when you live a clean lifestyle, it's so much easier to feel so positive for when you interact with people. Now we're also getting into the territory of stuff I talked about in another course on presence, purpose in health. We're not gonna get that deep into that. Again, we're just scratching the surface here. But again, I just want to show you how important positivity is and just give you some tips here and there, and how to keep that positive mood as much as often as possible, as consistently as possible. So let's talk about positive framing. This is something that happy people do. They take almost every situation and they flip it in a way to make it benefit them. They flip it in a way to see it from a positive perspective. Again, great conversationalists, charming people, this is what they do all the time. Remember the way that you perceive any situation will judge how it goes for you. If you have the slightest inkling that it will go badly. It will, if you take every situation and make it positive, you will actually bring that into your reality. I'm going to go on a job interview today and I am going to kill it. I'm going on a date tonight and I'm going to have the best, most fun time with this person now, a really easy exercise for practicing how to switch something from negative or neutral to something positive is anytime that situation is introduced to you, either by somebody else telling you or a thought happening in your head. Always take that sentence, take whatever is going on, and then follow it up with That's good because or that's okay because you don't have to think of what's going to happen next. You don't have to finish that sentence. You know why? Because our brains are wired to finish the sentence and the way that you started it, if I say, you know what, today is really rainy and windy out, but that's good because now my brain is already a little bit trying to figure out a reason why that's good. Because that's good because it's actually helping me not want to get outside today, focus more on work. I think I've been using the excuse of the great weather to want to go outside all the time. But this is a perfect opportunity for me to stay inside and practice focusing on what I need to get done. See, I didn't know that thought and it truly is really cold and windy out. It's not raining, but it's pretty crappy out today. I didn't think about this. It actually is really windy and cold out. And I was out before I got lunch. And I was like Man, trailing crappy and I forgot to do that. That's good because, but now that I said it, I got to realize the positive experience that I'm about to have, which is right now making this class for you. If I keep going, I could keep coming up with reasons lie. It's good that this situation is happening. If you practice that over and over, your brain is going to automatically go, That's good because, and then follow it up with something positive. This is so powerful and I urge you to practice it for everything. So the next thing that great conversationalists are always doing in interactions is there always amusing themselves? They're always looking for ways to have fun. They're looking for opportunities to have fun with the person that they're width with themselves. It doesn't matter. Let's say I'm at a really stuffy, expensive restaurant and all of the utensils are nicely laid out perfectly. And I feel that like stuffy stuck up feeling vibe of the restaurant. I'm going to look for a fun thing to do. I'm going to look for a way to amuse myself. So maybe when the waiter comes over, I'll try to make that person laugh. I want to see how far I could go without annoying or upsetting anybody. Where I'm actually amusing myself, I'm having the best time wherever I am when you're doing that in a conversation with somebody, you are allowing the fun to arise, to rise like a phoenix between the two of you. And that enables the other person to want to have fun as well. If somebody is seeing new as the diver person that is not like amusing themselves, they're not gonna do it either. They're scared, you're going to judge them. But if you're the type of person that's always having fun and encouraged the, encouraging the other person to have just as much fun as you are. You're going to raise the vibe of the room. The people around you are also going to notice and it helps you for later on if you want to go talk to other people, because you want to see happiness as your responsibility. That's why it's so important for whatever situation you're in. How can I make this the most fun situation for me? How could I enjoy myself in this situation? So we just got through the positivity section of this course. Next is, if you're both laughing, it's probably a good conversation. I'll see you on the other side. 5. The Laughing Rule Of Thumb: All right, we're back in this section. The title is very simple. It's self-explanatory. If the both of you are laughing, it's probably a good interaction. You'd think that what makes a good conversation is like, Oh, we're talking like really deep about art, lives and all philosophy and all that stuff. But I've found over the years that the best relationships, the best conversations come from the two people that are able to, we make each other laugh like crazy. The two people that share a similar sense of humor, or at least amused by each other's sense of humor. But it's usually that they share each other's sense of humor. So a good rule of thumb when you meet somebody is if you're laughing at what they say, it probably is a good thing as well as if they're laughing at you. But by no means do I want you to try to be a funny person. I don't want you to try to be making people laugh because that gets you an entertainment mode. I don't want you to focus on that. I want you to focus on having fun. I want you to focus on amusing yourself. I want you to focus on connecting with that person and through just naturally being yourself, having a good time learning what we're going to learn in this course. If you guys are laughing, good stuff, don't try to make that happen. But if it does happen, good stuff, It's a rule of thumb. Next video. 6. Vulnerability: Alright, in this video we're gonna talk about something really important, really big. It's called vulnerability. Vulnerability is so magical. It's like the little ace up the sleeve and social skills and confidence and just being an attractive person. Most people think that vulnerability is unattractive, but that's because most people are in dodo heads vulnerability or the ability to express your vulnerabilities is what makes somebody confident. Also being vulnerable with somebody expresses the full extent of your human experience, which encourages the other person to be vulnerable with you to remember, what we're trying to do is we're trying to remove the barriers, remove the facade, removed the ego, and show to people just interacting with each other and expressing their love for each other. You can't do that if you're hiding things. So what is vulnerable actually mean? Vulnerability. Vulnerable simply means parts of view that are able to be negatively judged by somebody else. Vulnerable. Are you vulnerable to attack? Are you vulnerable to negative judgment in secure people they like to hide that away and only show their strengths. You know, those types of people, you know what I'm talking about everybody. But the most confident people are the people that are openly expressing their vulnerabilities. Why? Because they're not scared of being negatively judged. Why? Because they know that true happiness is what we talked about before. It's not all this surface level stuff. So if somebody judges you here or there, it has no effect on what's important on the inside here and your love for that person that you're interacting with. When you can express yourself in a vulnerable way. The things that you think might be negatively judged by somebody when you could just openly express that. That doesn't mean that vulnerability means talking about like, I beat my parents and everyone made fun of. That's not what I'm talking about with vulnerability. It could be, but that's not what I mean. It could be anything. It could be your dance moves that are horrible, but you'd like to do it anyway because it makes you feel good. It could be talking about the fact that a lot of times your bedroom is quite dirty and you don't clean it and you have a problem with that and you're working on it. Again, vulnerabilities differ from person to person, but the important thing is what do you see as a vulnerability? Express that openly to the person and encouraged the other person to do that as well. But just the mirror exercise of expressing your vulnerabilities to that person will encourage them and make them feel comfortable to do so automatically. Why? Because when you are expressing your vulnerabilities that shows one that you don't negatively judge yourself. You're not the type of person that is going to negatively judge. So that gives them the idea. Well, if he's talking about how he ****** his pants in sixth grade and everyone made fun of him about it. And he still sometimes pieces bed at the age of 27. Well, he's definitely not going to judge me for sometimes drooling when I eat. I feel a little more comfortable talking about that and maybe laughing about it with him. You see what I'm talking about? Being vulnerable is so great because it gets that other person to open up as well about who they are, sharing the human experience, once again, it's always about sharing that human experience with each other. The more that you hold back your vulnerabilities, the more you are hindering a connection. Because you are keeping two people from sharing that human experience with each other to the fullest extent, if you are not expressing your vulnerabilities to people, it implies to others that you don't fully trust people. So it implies one, that you could be the type of person to negatively judge yourself and others. And two, it implies that you don't trust people with your vulnerabilities because in the past maybe you've been bullied and you didn't like it. Now you don't trust this person. If they see that you are not the type of person that trusts, you think that they're going to think that they want to trust you with their vulnerabilities when you are the type of person that expresses your vulnerabilities open with that person. It implies that you're the type of person that does that with everybody, which shows that you likely have very positive, open, vulnerable connections with a lot of people because you're used to doing it. So you feel confident to do it with this person as well. The more vulnerable you are, the more confident you come off, the less vulnerable you are, the less confident you come off. So another thing that happens when you don't express your vulnerabilities and you only show your strengths is you turn into a boring person. You come off like a person that has no faults, has no ****** in the armor, has no interesting stuff about, yeah, you just come off perfect and we know nobody's perfect. So it also implies that you're highlighting something. It could be something negative about you, something that is very, very, very deserving of judgment though I wasted years of my life trying to be cool, trying to hide the vulnerabilities, hide my weird side. When I went out to the bar to a party and I was talking to somebody, whoever it was, somebody who was attracted to somebody I thought was really cool and I wanted to be friends with. I put out yeah. Whatever man. Yeah, F that guy there, all that type of stuff, thinking that I would be cool to them. Realizing that truly cool people don't see that as cool. They like the interestingness of somebody. They like that confident expression of vulnerabilities, the weird side of you, that may be unacceptable side of you, you expressing that freely. That's what makes you cool. I wasted so many years of my life trying to come off watered down and perfect to people. Then an impress anybody. Also, when two people are openly expressing their vulnerabilities to each other at better shows them whether they actually like each other, whether they actually have that connection and that chemistry on a higher level. Because if you have experienced something that's vulnerable and they've experienced that same thing, it's more likely that you guys are going to lock in really tight with each other while you're interacting and want to see each other again. Now we're gonna talk about vulnerabilities throughout this course because being vulnerable is a lot of what makes up being a good conversationalist and being a charming person in general. But for this section of the course, we're, we're done talking about it. We can move on to the next one, which is leading. 7. Leading: The next part of being a great conversationalist is being somebody that knows how to lead an interaction. Most people, they don't know how to lead. Most people there. Too anxious to take the lead. They also are too lazy to take the lead. It takes a little bit of effort to lead an interaction. But the most important part of this, if you are the person that's initiating an interaction with somebody, it is your social responsibility. It's the expectation that you are the person that leads, right? You don't go up to somebody and say, hey, I'd like to have an interaction with you. And they say, Okay, and you go, all right, take it away, get started. That's not supposed to happen. Say I'd like to have an interaction with you. They say, Okay, and you say, alright, here we go. Let's, let's do this. And people are also wary of having a new conversation with somebody, so they're really not gonna be excited to get that conversation started. There are gonna be wondering what's up that person's sleeve. They tried sell me something, I'm not too short. So they're kind of kind of pulled back at first and you have to expect that. So often people come to me and they go, oh, whenever I go up to somebody, they're rude or they're quiet, they're turned off. I would be two if a stranger came up to me, I go, I don't you're probably selling me something. I am not I am not that good looking for a stranger to come up to me and I want to talk to me. I do the minimum I do the minimal amount of effort to have a conversation with somebody that person has to lead, that person has to show me that they're not manipulating. They're not trying to sell me something. They're trying to actually just connect with me. When I realized that when they've taken lead and brought me into that place, I feel so much more comfortable to open up and actually reciprocate that amount of effort and energy into the interaction as they are. Now, this is the way I want you to think about it when you go up to somebody, I don't want you to go. I don't want you to go, Oh, when I go up to somebody, if they are instantly not very interested, that means that they hate me. That means that I am horrible and I need to go home. No, I want you to go up and I want you to remember this person is gonna feel kind of on the fence, not sure who I am yet. And I want to lead them into a place that shows them, that proves to them that I'm a person that's coming with love and I'm a person that wants to have a conversation because I love meeting people. I love starting new relationships. It's such an important thing in my life as a human being, as we all feel, we all share that need to have relationships in our lives. So that's, that's why I'm here. You look interesting, you look fun, you look attractive to me. And I want to see if there's anything there. Let's try. That's the vibe that I put out and I do that in a leading way. I want to bring them along on the ride rather than hoping that they do that for me. Now to lead simply just means that you act as the impetus to discovering potential connection between you and the other person. That's all it is. What most people do is they go up to somebody, they start a conversation with somebody, and then they dance around their reason for being there, it makes no sense. So they come up with this bull crap excuse with why they're there. Excuse me. Do you know which way? The beaches. Good. And it's got it It's like ten minutes away. Good. And is it warm there? Hey, that's a nice shirt. Did you get that shared at Bloomingdale's? Hey, that ice cream is really good-looking. They're looking for every excuse to interact with that person aside from just coming up to them with the vibe of, hey, I want to see if we can have a good conversation to see if we have a potential for a relationship of friendship. Whatever, you look like a cool person. And I'd like to see if we can have that connection. If we have that chemistry. If not, I'll go on my way. If so, that's great. That's the headspace I want you to have whenever you go up to somebody, whenever you start an interaction, I want you to come with the vibe of saying, I'm a social person. I want to see if we connect. That's it. You don't gotta have any excuses. You don't have to say, well, I was just wondering if your shoes were on sale and I guarantee you people are going to be much more open to you giving them that vibe than dancing around with different excuses. Because remember, once they believe that you are a person that is there to give love and to see if there's potential for a relationship. They're gonna feel so much more comfortable to interact with you. Oh, that's all you want. Short and let's do it. If you start making these excuses and dancing around that purpose, that's when they're gonna start going. They selling me something. Are they going to try to take something from me, manipulate me, Whatever me. So I want you to think of the beginning of a conversation, that beginning of an interaction like one of those little boat engines or maybe those old lawnmowers. Remember, when you were a kid, you would see like adult state for can pull the rope, the string, the get it going. It takes a little bit wrong room. It takes a couple of seconds for that motor to get started. I want you to see the same thing with interactions. At first. It's going to take a couple minutes to get in the vibe, to get the two of you feeling good together, to get that person trusting you because you're getting a vulnerable with them. You're expressing yourself and you're showing them your purpose, which is, I want to see the potential for a connection or a possible relationship. Once those couple minutes are up, then you're gonna be able to see if you guys Viber not. But before those couple of minutes are up, before you've really got the motor going. I don't want you to take that portion of the interaction as how your relationship with that person is. They don't know you yet. They're not going to trust you. Just I literally just want you to expect it and just allow it to happen, allow them to have that feeling. What you're gonna notice is when you come to them with love, when you come to them with white, I'm talking to you about you're going to see a kind of switching them where they start engaging and when they start leading with you. 8. Assuming Friendship: A side note, let's talk about my vulnerability right now this whole time that I'm filming. And before as I was setting up, I was so annoyed and insecure about my hair because today I just feel like it looks like crap. The whole time I was worried. I was like, God, I don't want to have to get a haircut for this. And it's like What am I going to do? And it's like am I just kinda look like crap to these people? They think that my hair's horrible because I think I'm having a bad hair day. But I just went in the bathroom. A given goodwill. And I said, Let's just freaking deal with, I'm teaching this course with the anxiety that I have bad hair. And that's good because it's a learning lesson. It's a lesson to me that I just need to go for things. I can't just stop doing something because of every little anxiety that I might have. Alright, next chapter, everybody assuming friendship. This is another big one. This is something I've talked about, my YouTube videos all the time. Whenever I go up to somebody, I assume that we're going to be friends. I just assume that it's gonna happen. Why? Because I have interacted with a ton of people. And when I go up to those people, we become friends or acquaintances or at least have a bit of a connection. I've done it so, so, so, so many times that I know that it's going to happen with the next person that I interact with. A happy, confident person is always assuming that anybody that they go up to, they're going to at least have some sort of connection with. And once again, this is because happy people love life, which means that they love themselves and they love anything that's going on in their life at the moment. If it is a person in front of them, they love that person. And that means that they're likely to have a good time with that person because of the stuff that we just talked about. So when you interact with anyone, at the very least, you are going to be assuming that you'll at least have a good conversation with them, a good connection with them, and at best a lifelong relationship. So often you'll see people start conversations, start interactions expecting that that person is not going to like them back, expecting them to get rejected. And so their purpose of going up to somebody is only to not get rejected by them. That's their only purpose in mind. And what actually happens is once again, they put on their perfect costume. They remove all their vulnerabilities. They don't take any risks of amusing themselves, having fun with them, seeing them just with love because they have that garden. You can't express and feel loved for somebody and have them feel love for you back. If you have your guard costume on, you have all the armor on. And I believe people could smell this on you. I mean, not literally, but I mean, they can sense when somebody comes up to them and that person is trying to be perfect, they're not get rejected and going, Oh God, this person is probably not going to like me. I'm gonna have to do all of these tricks and jump through hoops just to get them to have a conversation with me for a minute. They could smell that the second new come up. It's that performative type of charisma. Hey, you do. And I thought, Oh, and I assume, no, no. You are able to come up to somebody so calm with just the vibe of loving that person. Relaxed, completely relaxed, completely open and vulnerable. Just assuming that this is going to go well. And that person's going to feel all of that. I really think we are hard wired as humans to feel, to sense when somebody has good intentions versus when somebody has those bad intentions or bad expectations, your purpose should never be about getting somebody to like you. That is in fact, the complete opposite of what this course is set out to teach. Remember, your purpose is to facilitate relationships that are already meant to be not to use people as a source of validation for your crippled self esteem. You are never going to make friends that way. So I often talk about this best friend dynamic and this is exactly what I'm talking about. Assuming friendship with somebody. Do you know that feeling you have when you are with your best friend? How it's just so easy. How you don't have to think, how you're so open with them. How you just know whatever you say they're going to like and whatever they say You're gonna love to. That's the vibe I want you to have with every single person you interact with before you even say a word, just when you walk up. I want that in your head. I want you to literally see. I want you to literally feel as though that the person used, the stranger that you just walked up to that are about to have a conversation with is your best friend, the person you've known for years and that is known you for years and loves every nook and cranny of who you are. Like, thanks, you're hilarious. Knows all of the weird things about you and thinks that makes you more interesting. And the same goes for you on how you feel about them. When you go up to somebody, I want you to feel that with that stranger, just expect that no, that's gonna happen. And I promise you, it's likely going to bin. You also notice how you and your best friend has seemed to have this perfect, harmonious improv when you interact with each other, It's like you guys can finish each other's sentences. Same thing, I want you to think about that. I want you to have that vibe. Now another practical way to assume friendship is to literally visualize a good interaction between you and the person. So it doesn't take a couple minutes for you to do this. It literally takes a split second. You see that person and you just go, oh, I get that vibe, I see it. I see us having a good time. Go Hi, nice to meet you. You go up to the person you say hi and you live that visual that you have in your head. And again, this is how positive, happy, confident people are living their lives at all times, just wherever they go, wherever interaction there are about to have with somebody, they just assume that it's gonna be a good one. They visualize the fund that they're about to have. And then they go and they live that fantasy, but they live that dream. They live. They live that visualization. 9. What NOT To Talk About: All right. Before the conversation starts, let's talk about what not to talk about. What do you not say when you're in an interaction with somebody for the first time, any conversational buffer, something that you think is going to help the conversation gets started. But in reality, it's kind of just taking two people away from doing what they're supposed to do, which is connect with each other. First, talking about entertaining information. Hey, did you hear about the new iPhone that came out? Oh yeah, the features or this and that. Oh, isn't that so cool. Are you going to get one? Oh, yeah, I might get one. I'm not sure. Listen, unless you have a YouTube channel that is about Apple products. And the person that you're talking to has, has a podcast about tech. Don't just talk about that type of stuff. It's not gonna get you guys to connect. It will seemingly have you guys talked like having camaraderie about a certain topic, but that's not how two people connect with each other. It's just buffer, It's just filler conversation, entertaining, talk. Like, Oh, the new Tesla. Oh, it's so cool. Do you think Elon is going to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Next is talking about what's in the news. When you first meet somebody, stay out of what's in the news. Once again, it's a conversational buffer. Oh, did you hear what Biden is going to do with Putin in Russia and Ukraine? Did you hear what he's gonna do? What do you think about that? Are you guys politicians? Are you guys social activists in your life? Don't talk about what's in the news when you first meet somebody. Yeah, maybe when you guys get to know each other, when you become friends, you could be talking about that stuff. But at the beginning it's so important to get to the basics, to the foundation of how two people connect with each other. That creates the strongest connection, the most positive, the highest level of attraction and love for two people. The same goes for even just like celebrity news or whatever. Did you hear about what Kanye West said about Pete Davidson, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's interesting, but it's not what gets to people connecting. The other thing is the stuff in the news makes you feel as though it's super important and we have to talk about this. This is news, this is politics. We should be talking about these important matters. Alright, listen, go do it. Go do it. It's not going to get you any closer to having strong connections with new people. It's just not I'm not saying don't do it. Do it with your friends, do it with your family, do it with your partner. Don't do it with new people you talk to. And if they bring it up, quickly, talk about it, and then move on to something else. Now, of course, an exception for this is if there is a deal breaker for you in terms of friendship or in dating. And let's say, for instance, you are republican or you are Democrat and you don't want to date somebody on the other side, then you can bring that up, ask them. But honestly, if you're doing that for dating, that's something that you should be doing before you even meet the person. You should be doing that on the phone call or within the texts. Don't do it on the first date. You should have already gotten that out of the way and known who this person was known who they are. The basics of this person is known who the basics of this person is. I'm going to stick with that next thing, not to talk about it now again, I'm not saying never talked about it, but stay away from it. Don't stay on these topics, facts about you. Oh, well, I grew up in this town and I had three boyfriends and I work as a sales manager and I do this and don't go so far into that stuff, cover it very lightly, sprinkle it in just so people can get to know each other, but don't go deep and facts about you, because connecting is not about that stuff. And I promise you listen. As you get to know somebody, you're going to naturally find out all of those things about each other. But when you first meet in that first half hour, that first hour, the first two hours. What you really want to do is be having fun with each other, talking about things that you're passionate about. We're going to get to that soon. But like I said, anything that's like informational exchanges, political entertaining exchanges, stay away. 10. Rules Are Meant To Be Broken: All right, Now remember all rules are meant to be broken. Anything that I've talked about already, anything that I'm about to talk about, you don't have to stick to it. If you find that, you know what, Anthony, I really find that I do really well when I do this. I want to do this. Fine, do that. But I'm just telling you, I've been obsessed with social skills all my life. I have treated myself like a human Guinea pig and tried to literally every little thing that I'm talking about in every which way. And I have found that everything that I've taught you so far, everything I'm about to teach you. It works. It works really well. So I hope you trust me with one I'm talking about here. And even if you go, Well, when I have interactions, I noticed that I liked when I do this, I like talking about the new iPhone or Tesla stuff, or I like talking about politics. I first want you to go, Well, let me just listen to Anthony here. But if you keep listening to me and you find that something that you like doing is the opposite of what I've been teaching and it works for you. That's great. Just do it whatever I want you to just feel as comfortable as possible. But the main thing is what is bringing you the best relationships as easily and as quickly, as efficiently as possible. That's what I want. That's what I've studied for myself and for all of the people that I've taught throughout the years. And that's what I want for you. Whatever gets us to that. Great. And remember, I'm always learning. So my mind is always open to new things, to changing something, to evolving if I realize something or if I learn something, or if I experience something that doesn't match what I've already learned and taught and having this little booklet that I have here, I'm gonna change it. I don't care about the rules. I care about what works. Social skills is an art and that's why it's beautiful. So if the way that you paint the canvas, is it a certain way that works for you? Great. Somebody else's going to have different strokes and it's going to look differently. Beautiful, great. Use this course as your foundation built on top of that. 11. Good Social Skills Always Wins: This is something I learned over the years and years of interacting with people at parties, bars, events, wherever I was in my life, really working on my social skills. I learned that goods social skills always wins. What does that mean? I realized that that actually helped me feel more confident going into interactions because I knew I learned what good social skills were. And I practice them and I mastered them. So whenever I go into an interaction and if somebody negatively judges me in my fantasy, if somebody says, Oh, what are you doing? Why are you talking? Whatever. I know that over the years I've mastered the rules of social skills, what makes a great conversation? So if something's not going right, I know it's like it's likely not going to be me. That was the problem because I know what the rules are. I know what good social skills looks like. And so I never have to feel in anxiety or embarrassed or humiliated if something doesn't go right in and conversation, somebody is having a bad day in his rude to me. I'm not gonna go home going, Oh my God, what am I doing? Holy crap. ** hum, the worst that I can't go out there again, I can't be seen. I don't know. I've spent all my years practicing good conversation, mastering it. It's all about having good intentions for yourself and for the other person. What's going to happen? Somebody's gonna negatively judge you for, for what? Oh, that person's going up to that person. Look, there's a stranger talking to another stranger in public. How horrible that there, that he's trying to have a relationship with somebody new. Wow, what is the world come to these days? People speaking in public with each other beyond just the regular, normal bull crap, Smalltalk. I know I always have good intentions with whoever I'm going up to talk to. If you have bad social skills, it likely means you also have bad intentions or your intentions are not emotionally healthy. Like maybe you're trying to serve the little insecurity that you have on the inside. You're trying to be validated. Now, with my rules, I call that disrespect to the other person. I call that selfish. Because all I should be doing in an interaction is finding if two people have potential for a relationship based on my love to them and how we interact. Based on that. I'm never ever going to feel ashamed or humiliated, embarrassed, anxious about wanting to do that, because the right people will present themselves. The wrong people will go our separate ways. And that's totally fine. 12. It's Not About How You Act, But React: Most people in interactions when they start a conversation, whatever it is, whether they're dating, they're on a date there, on a sales call. They're making a new friend in school or whatever. They're always thinking about how they need to act. They think that interactions is about a performance. You have a good performance, people like you, you have a bad performance. People don't like you. But that's not how relationships work. If you're thinking about having a good performance or a bad performance, that's only for performers. Stand-up comedian, if he has a good performance, he does well, people like him. If he doesn't have a good experience, if he doesn't have a good performance, people won't like him. Same thing goes for musicians or whatever, whoever is performing. But when it's a one-on-one, an interaction with another soul, another human being has nothing to do with your performance. It's not about how you act, It's about how you react. This is so, so calming for me when I'm in an interaction because I'm never thinking about what I should say, what I should do, how I should act, how we should present myself, how my body language should be. I should always be thinking about what my purpose is. Finding the potential for a connection that could lead to a relationship. I'm thinking about that. I'm thinking about my love for them, seeing if I connect with them, if, IF chemistry with them. So my attention is always on them. So all of my actions are always based on them. There's always context for how I should be reacting. It's all about reacting. Now if you've ever taken an improv class or read a book on improvisation, you know that it's very similar. Improvisers are not performing, they are not acting. They are reacting off of each other at all times. All of my words, all of my expressions. It's always coming off of how I'm reacting to what I see, to what I take in. This calms me. Again. When I go up. I'm never onstage and listen, I have like legitimate performance anxiety. I could go up to any stranger and have a conversation and be like the most confident person in the room. But if I went on stage and had to perform something, my heart would be racing, it would be beating out of my chest. Because I have performance anxiety. I had to teach myself how to not see interactions as a basis for performance anymore. I had to brainwash myself, realize that it's not about performing, it's about connecting and you cannot connect with somebody if you are in performance mode. It's all about reacting. I don't have to worry about how I'm going to act. Because all of my body language, all of my tonality, all of my expressions, all of my words, are just a reaction to whatever you're doing. However you're acting to whatever you're saying, to the sound, to the rhythm, to whatever is going on. So my focus is only to have 100% attention onto you. The better I could do that, the better my interaction is, the better I can act, the better I can respond, the more rich my reactions are. If I have a very light attention onto you, I'm going to have a very basic dumbed down level of social skills and reactions to you. Notice how actors and improvisational list especially there. So, so tuned in to how that person is acting because they know that their reaction is what's the most important, how rich their reaction is, based on how much context they're extracting from the other person. The less context you have, less focus. You have an attention, an observation you have on that person. The less advanced your social skills are going to be. Once again, I feel so relaxed in conversation because all I have to do is react to you. 13. As Long As You Have Good Intentions: This goes a little bit along with what I talked about before. Good social skills always wins. But I really want a head this home before we get into the conversation portion of this class, as long as you have good intentions with whoever you're interacting with, you should never feel bad about what you want to do or say. Now, people are allowed to get offended and it's going to happen. People get offended at things. It is completely outside of your control. If somebody gets offended at something that you say or do, if somebody wants to yell at you, reject you, whatever it is. But I know that as long as I have good intentions for that person, I should never feel bad. As long as I have full love for that person's happiness, for that person's success. I should never feel bad about anything I want to say. Again, that's another thing that keeps me calm, keeps me relaxed. Because if anything goes wrong, I hadn't really, really good intentions. I care about this person so much. Sometimes every now and then, somebody's going to take something the wrong way. Somebody's going to get offended. Somebody is going to be in a bad mood. Somebody's going to interpret something you said wrong. That's okay. I do not want you tip toeing through interactions with people. I want you to go headfirst full-on with those good intentions, trust in them. Usually it's going to pan out well. That is the first section of the conversation course. There are three left starting the conversation, holding a conversation, and then working a room once you understand how to have an interaction with somebody once and now that you know how to prepare mentally for that interaction, I'm going to teach you how to own any room that you walk into, whether you go to a party, whether you go to a cafe, doesn't matter. How do you work a room to your benefit. That's more of the strategy, social strategy. But up next we're going to discuss how to start a conversation with a stranger. 14. The Easiest Part Of Socializing: Welcome to part two of my conversation course. This part is all about how to start a conversation, the beginnings, and that's really what most people I think care about. Nobody's thinking about that. Oh, what do I say? What do I, how do I get in the right headspace? Or nobody is thinking about, oh, once I've started, how do I continue? Because you're usually really natural in that case, people's biggest problem is, how the **** do I go up there? What is the first thing that I say? How do I not make them run away from me? That's what this section is all about. Now the first part of this section is to tell you, Listen. Conversation is the easiest part of socializing. You need to know that like the words, what is the first thing I say? That is the least difficult, least mind-bending, least effort, full thing to do when you interact with somebody new? If you have the question. Oh, yeah, but I need to I want to say something so that they don't what is the thing that I say so they don't reject me or what is the thing that I say so I don't look stupid. If you're still asking yourself that question body, then you need to go back to the first section. I need you to remember conversation. Is that easiest, easiest, easiest part of socializing? Why is this? It's because you've been having conversations with people all your life. You've been starting conversations with people all your life. The big issue here is it's still scary to go up to a stranger. What this section starting a conversation in the next section, holding a conversation is really meant to accomplish, is to give you a roadmap of where you've already been before, where you're at right now. You could say, Oh, I'm lost, I don't know what to do, I'm freaking out. Then you refer to what I've taught you and you go, Oh, Anthony just said if you're here, then all you have to do is this. And that's what this is all about. I want to take away the anxiety by giving you a roadmap of how conversation actually works and how starting a conversation, how approaching a stranger actually works. I've done this thousands upon thousands upon thousands of times on desensitized to it. It's automatic in my head. I don't even think about it anymore, it just happens. I want to take everything that I've learned and give you that roadmap, give you that step-by-step process. So like I said, anytime you get lost, you can just look at it and say, I'm here. Also, if you find that you're handicapped in conversation in socializing in certain areas because everybody has weaknesses and everybody has strengths in social skills. Sometimes somebody is gonna be really strong. And in this area, sometimes people are gonna be really weak in this area and it's gonna be different for everybody. So what's good about these next two sections is you're gonna be able to look at this and go, Oh, I'm really bad at this. So let me work on this. Let me practice this. Let me focus on this section a little bit more. I guarantee you as we go through these next sections, you're gonna say to yourself, Oh yeah, I've done that before. Oh yeah, I remember that time that I did that and it really worked. What I'm doing is putting a spotlight on the social skills that are the most efficient and effective. Let's get to the next section. 15. It's A Two-Person Art: The first thing that I want you to understand about starting a conversation with somebody is conversation is like two people doing art together. Imagine that you have a paintbrush. The other person has a paintbrush, and you both have one blank canvas. You take a turn and you make some stroke. And then you tell the other presenter view you do a stroke tool and then they compliment whatever you've done, adding to it. You do the same over time. At the end, my God is so beautiful pizza. It's a nice piece of art that YouTube I've made. No two conversations are alike. It's what It's so beautiful about it. It is a shared experience. It is not a performance by you, not a performance by the other person. It is to people collaborating together on one beautiful of blue, sorry guys. Beautiful art piece. So let's say your conversation partner did a little yellow and you're in your brain, you're like, Whoa, I think actually purple would complement that. Yellow really? Well, let me give a little purple. And then your partner says, Oh, you know what, I like the purple and the purple makes me think of magenta. I'm gonna do a little magenta around this and then wow, it's suddenly like birds and fairies. We had no idea we would make this. But because we were vulnerable, we were open. We put ourselves into the Canvas, both of ourselves. It's something that we would have never imagined. That's the way I love to see conversation. That's why it's so enjoyable for me. Every conversation is something different. It's another art piece. 16. Why Are You There?: The thing that always keeps me calm when I approach somebody or while I'm in a conversation because for years I had so so so much anxiety when I would talk to somebody, it felt like I was walking on a tightrope in any second. The further I got, the easier it was for me to fall over the years OF MY coaching so many people, the thing that they're always curious about is, well, what is my excuse for being like talking to them? What do I say? I should maybe I should say that I'm traveling and I don't know where the beaches and you heard me say this in the earlier section. The thing that always comes me is when I connect with my true purpose of why I'm actually interacting with that person. I love people. I love starting new relationships, making friends. And I want to see if we could have a potential friendship with each other. Remember, you don't need any other excuse for going up to a person and having a conversation with them. So if you ever are feeling really anxious while you're there, and still that purpose isn't really aligned with you yet. You still feel uncomfortable with what they think of you. You could say what your purpose is for being there and talking to that person. I love meeting new people. You looked cool. I wanted to say, Hi, there is nothing wrong with that. And guess what? If that person doesn't want to talk to you? If that person doesn't like you, that's good. That means you just got the wrong person out of the way. We're always looking for the right people to connect with. If you talk to somebody they don't like you. Maybe you didn't have the greatest interaction. Good. On to the next person. You just got one in 7 million people out of the way. Now you could go find your real friend, your true partner, your true business partner, your true romantic partner. And plus, it is unnatural for somebody to be likable by everyone. Nobody is liked by everyone. That's weird. If you are liked by everyone, it's likely that you have watered yourself down to a point where nobody actually really loves you. They just feel like, yeah, Yeah, he's cool, he's nice. Or it's likely that you're some sort of manipulator or a con artist who knows all of the tricks to get somebody to like you. That's not why we're here. Conversation is not about that. It's about finding the right people that you genuinely connect with and they do to you as well. If you are so connected to having every single person you go up to, like you, you're not in the right headspace. You're trying to be perfect, and you are a human, you're not perfect. You're not supposed to be perfectly liked by everybody. That is weird. Expect a lot of people not liking you. I know a lot of people don't like me. That's okay. I don't care about that. I like me and I know there's a lot of people that do like me. I want to go find those people. That's the headspace that I want you to have. Whenever you are about to go up to somebody, whenever you go to a social function. 17. The First Three Minutes: All right, The first thing you need to know about starting a conversation with somebody, so the whole world screws up the first three minutes of a conversation. Everybody, everybody goes up to somebody. They feel awkward. The first three minutes, it's like not working out. The other person's like, why is this person here? I don't know. Meanwhile, you're still feeling like, Oh, what do I do? I'm walking that tight rope. I don't know if I fall. It's a mess. Everybody goes home. Before the three minutes are up. It's your job to push through those first three minutes. Just deal with it. It's kinda like when I go on runs every morning, the first ten minutes sock sometimes even the first 15 minutes suck. And I'm like struggling. After 51015 minutes, my body just starts accepting it and going with the run. And suddenly I start feeling really good and I'm like, Oh, wow. This is an unfilled like this five minutes ago. It's the same thing with starting a conversation with somebody new. First three minutes are going to sock, except that push through it. And if it's the right person, it's gonna be great. After. 18. Don't Approach Anyone: If you want to know the next thing that everybody messes up, when they want to go talk to somebody. They get into an approach, Headspace, their standing somewhere, maybe see a pretty girl that they want to go talk to or whatever it is, and they go, Okay, I have to go over there already. Your brain is in compete mode, achieve mode. You have a challenge and you have to win the challenge. And so you're feeling UF to accomplish something. I don't want you to think that way. If you see somebody who like literally just go walk up to them, you don't even have to talk to them, just go near them, gravitate towards them. Like-minded people are naturally attracted to like minded people. Never think about what you want to say. Just gravitate, move towards the person. When I would coach people, I would go to a bar or a party or wherever the cafe we would go in. And what somebody's natural thought process is, is to go away in the corner of the room, scope out the room, decide who they want to go talk to, then get themselves all roundup, get themselves all in the mode, okay? Alright, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do it. Get out of performance mode. Instead what I want you to do, the second you enter a soul, a social function, a bar, a cafe, party, apart, whatever it is. The second UC, somebody interesting or a group of people that look interesting, just walk near them. Just go sit near them, stand near them. Trust me, it's not creepy because you're not gonna be like just mine, your business, do your thing once you get over there. If you see anything interesting about them or you hear them mentioning something. Just eavesdropping really shortly. Well, we're gonna talk about that in the next video. But again, get out of this approach Headspace. Just gravitate towards people that look interesting. Don't even have a thought about it. You see somebody just go right up to them and never, ever plan what you want to say before you get there. Why? Because conversation is improv. Conversation is art. If you're planning what to say, that's a performance, you cannot have a two-person art piece. If you're already planning what you want to say beforehand, I promise you, with what we're about to learn, as soon as you get up there, you're already going to know exactly what to say. So to summarize, never approach anybody. Gravitate towards people that look interesting to you. So if I'm going into a bar with my friends and we want to meet new people that night. I don't go in and then immediately look around. I go in and I just start walking and I feel the vibe. I look for people that I find interesting but I think are cool. Then as soon as I see somebody that I think is interesting, I just turn and I stand next to them at the bar and I order a drink. Maybe there's a C. I sit down, I'm gravitating towards people that are like me. In the next video, we're going to learn about context and why it is so, so integral to starting a conversation with somebody. 19. Context: Alright, so now you're near the person that you want to interact with. This could be a split second thing, or you could have been hanging there for a couple of minutes sipping on your drink. Regardless, I want you to just emotionally look for what is most intriguing or interesting about those people. Maybe, for instance, you heard them talking about an anime movie that you love, or maybe somebody's shoes are really cool and you've been wanting to buy those shoes for months, whatever it is, once you're there, you have such a richer context for how to begin a conversation with somebody. Again, I don't want you thinking, I don't want you going whom should I say? The shoe thing? Is that weird? Wait a second. No, Maybe I shouldn't say the shoe thing that's weird. Maybe I should talk about the anime thing. Don't think, just feel what feels good to you about them. I'm very big on this because there's so many people that start fake conversation just to start conversation with somebody. But guess what happens? That conversation usually doesn't go well. It usually ends badly because again, like attracts, like if you have nothing to be interested in about that person, then you likely are not going to connect with that person. If you see something about that person, it doesn't even have to be something tangible. It could just be about their body language, their personality, their vibe. That's the thing you could connect with. But it has to be something. Again, this is not something new think about. It's something that you feel. It's something that you just get a vibe of a width, a width of their vibe. 20. Compliment: I'm gonna make it really simple for you. Again, conversation is not rocket science, it's the easiest thing in the world. There's a lot of ways to start conversation with somebody, but I'm gonna give you the easiest way, the way that most people start conversation, the way that most great conversationalists start conversation. A compliment. Remember, as I always say, I want it to be authentic. Don't compliment them if you don't really believe it. How do you compliment them? Goes back to the context. If you're sitting next to the person, you hear them talking about something, you see some cool shoes that they have. Use that as a way to compliment them. You could talk about their shoes, like go, I really love your shoes. Aren't those the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Immediately the conversation gets started. So like I said, it doesn't even have to be a tangible thing. It could just be the vibe of the group that you love. You just love their energy. You could just turn to the Beatles, say, Hey guys, I just wanted to say, like, you guys have the best energy in the room and I was just noticing it and it was just, it was really cool. If you say that, I guarantee you that group of people are gonna want to bring you in, chat with you, have a conversation, get to know you. Another important part of a complement is legitimizing it. I love legitimizing why I like something about somebody. This makes it more believable, more real, and feel better for the person that's on the receiving end. I don't just go, hey, I like I like your hair. Say, where did you get your haircut? It gives me this kinda modern Elvis Presley look like, I feel like you listen to a lot of fifties music or something like that, like rock and roller or you went to rock and roll band. I didn't know that hair is just really, really cool. I love it. Legitimize, express yourself why you like the thing that you like about the person. This connects with the persons so much more than just saying, Hey, I like your hair. You give that much. That person is just gonna go, oh thanks. But if you legitimize it, if you bring more context into why you're complementing the person, they have more of a reason to want to respond back with more Two you are at this one's for dating. Do not when you first talked as you start a conversation with somebody, do not complement their beauty, their looks, their good looks. Now, this could be counterintuitive to you, especially if somebody like me who says I want you to be authentic, I want you to say what you're feeling. This case. It's a little bit different. There's a caveat involved. That caveat is beautiful people, good-looking people, even normal people. They don't believe your compliment. What they're feeling. When you give them a compliment about there looks, they are thinking that you're complementing your perception of their beauty compared to the rest of the room, the rest of the world. What you've been taught to see as beautiful. They didn't, for the most part, mold themselves. Yes, they could have worked on their body and their health and their grooming and stuff like that. But their face, their bone structure. They just that's the luck of the draw they were born with that. They don't feel like that complement is warranted when you first meet the person. Now, that being said, a huge proponent of expressing your attraction to people when you feel it. That's physical attraction, that's attraction to their personality. So don't get it twisted. I want you to do that, but not when you first meet somebody. Also, there's not a lot of context for connecting with somebody after you compliment their beauty. And it shows that your intentions are merely superficial and that you're interested in interacting with them only because of their beauty. At least that's how it's perceived to them. What are you going to do? You can say, Hey, I really York, you are the most beautiful person in the room. They're gonna go, oh, thank you. And you're gonna go, Okay. Well, what do you think made I mean, there's what else are you going to do? You don't start off with something with the context of them being good-looking and also by the way, people put up walls when you do that. When you compliment their looks, their wondering, what does this person after? But if you connect with somebody on their personality, on their interests, on their vibe, They opened the doors really quickly to connecting. They bring you into their group, bring you into their world. Then once you guys get to know each other, once you guys start connecting, and once that person believes, and this is super important, once that person believes that you like them as a person, that you connect with them on their values, on their interests, and that you're even attracted to them on those things. Then when you compliment there looks, that's when it feels really good to them. That's when it's warranted. That's when they know Oh, this person isn't just looking for a superficial hookup, just to validate their egos because there have been secure a little boys, they're actually confident people who are looking to have conversations, chemistry, an amazing time with somebody. And now they could show that, hey, I find you physically attractive to, it's all there. You got everything. So to summarize, starting a conversation with somebody who's really simple, the easiest, most common way to do so is with a compliment, but that compliment should have context to why you're interested in them in the first place too, you should be legitimizing that compliment with your expression of y explained to them. Three, don't compliment their beauty as the first thing you do, wait a little bit until you guys connect and people love feeling complimented when they know it's a real compliment. This is the thing that you could do with everybody every time you introduce yourself, anytime that you start a conversation with somebody. 21. Introduce Yourself: After you gravitate towards somebody that you're feeling a vibe off of. After you find that context to start a conversation. After you compliment them. In the first ten to thirty-seconds, super, super early in the conversation. After all those little things have happened, I want you to do something really important. It's going to blow your mind. I want you to introduce yourself. Now. This could seem like something so simple, like random. Oh yeah, Okay, introduce yourself. But I've found this changes the game for how the conversation, how the relationship is going to move forward. There's something weirdly psychological. When you introduce yourself, you put your hand out there, say, Hey, I'm Anthony, Nice to meet you. And that person shakes your hand. After that. There's, there's this weird established friendship that two people have. So if you just started the conversation, you compliment it and then you just started talking about stuff. It would feel so much easier for you guys to part ways after a few minutes and never to talk to each other again. Nice meeting you. But once you once you introduce yourselves, get to know each other's names, I'm telling you there is this weird dynamic shift where it feels like we're having a conversation now. This isn't just some random small chitchat. We're going to have a conversation now. That's what introducing yourself implies. And I'm telling you it sounds like owed. But I've been coaching for a very long time and I've coached a lot of people and I've watched a lot of people interact and start conversations with others. And a lot of people don't introduce themselves because they think, Oh, maybe it's like it's too, it's too much like I want to be passe and blood Zai and just like, I don't want to act like I care so much. So I'm just going to chat. Mad. The less commitment you put into a conversation, the less commitment they're going to put it. Don't think about this whole like, oh, let them chase. Don't worry about that stuff. It's bull crap. I want you focused on committing and showing this person that this is how you want the conversation to go from here forward. This is gonna be a real conversation between two people. It's not a hey, I like your hair, dude. Oh, that's really cool anyway, have a good night. No. Hey, I like your hair dude, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You look like Elvis Presley or something like that. By the way, my name is Anthony. Anyway, let's then you guys can get into real conversation from there. The introduction is that moment that it shifts, so important. Do it. 22. Your Vibe: This is one last reminder and it's because it's so important guys, remember to keep your vibe positive and playful. No serious stuff. Hey, hey, whatever. I don't know what it is like this weird, like rude, flirting Venus. It's not, it's not going to help you. It's not going to work. People see through it. You don't look like the type of person people want to get to know. Keep it positive, keep it playful. That doesn't mean I want you to be Barney the dinosaur. It doesn't mean I want you to be, I don't know, SpongeBob is pretty cool. I'd want him to introduce himself to me. Barney the dinosaur is a good example. You don't have to be mindful, none of that. But have fun with the person. Be playful, have that vibe, have an exciting vibe. Remember, like I talked about in the last section, assume friendship, visualize a fun time between you and the other person. This is so important that I had to say it a second or a third time. All right, that concludes how to start a conversation, guys, really, it's that simple. It's not a big thing. There's not a lot to do and I kept it and listen. There's a bunch of ways to start a conversation, but I have all of the thousands and thousands and thousands of times I've met people at barter, Marty's parties and bars. Wherever I've met people over the thousands and thousands of times, this is the way I've found works, the best works that most efficiently, effectively is the easiest to do. Next section, holding the conversation. This is where we start getting into a lot. Again, not because it's hard or difficult or the most important part. Remember, we already covered the most important parts before you speak. Then starting the conversation, if you can master those things, keeping a super, super friendly vibe and everything else I talked about, you are going to I'm telling you it's like 75% of the way there you are. You are already a good conversationalist. This is going to be a very thorough roadmap of the mechanics of what a great conversation is that helped to people connect, have chemistry, find if they really like each other and to see if they want to turn it into a relationship. Whatever that is. 23. Chemistry: Welcome to Section Three, holding the gun. What is the first thing about holding conversation? And I've talked about this in little different ways earlier in the course, but chemistry, I am looking for chemistry between me and the other person while we're interacting. I can't repeat it enough. This is not a performance. You're not dancing and waiting for them to like you, nor are you going okay, Show me what you got. It's not like that. You're looking for a camaraderie, you're looking for a banter you're looking for. I always forget the word rapport. Never worry about what they think of you. That's not the right headspace, that's not how to have a conversation. I want you to always be thinking about are we vibing? Do we have chemistry? I'm putting my real self out there. I'm encouraging that person to bring out their real self. And because of that, it's going to be very easy for us to see if we actually have chemistry, do we? That is what I am looking for. Now let's talk about the word rapport, because rapport is basically the word chemistry. So the definition is a close and harmonious relationship in which the people concerned understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well. Really what I'm trying to say is the word rapport, but to expand on chemistry, it's not just report. When two people have chemistry, they also have shared values and morals, shared interests, shared sense of humor. Just feel relaxed around each other without even really saying much. You guys just feel relaxed around each other. In the next video, we're going to get really into the structure of how conversation actually works. 24. Only Two Things In Conversation: It's easy to get lost while you're in a conversation. We think, Oh God, there's all of these things we have to be doing being interesting, blah, blah, blah. But when we take a step back, remember, there's a couple of tools, there's a few tools in conversation that you're using all the time. When you take that step back and go Wait a second. Okay. What are these tools? They're very, very simple. There's only a couple. What haven't I done yet or what haven't I done in a while? You just do that one. It's as simple as that. And in this case, I'm talking about the only two things that you're actually doing while in conversation. This makes it so easy for me. Every time I get flustered, I just go back to the basics here. What are the only two things that people do on conversation? One, they express themselves. This very specific phrase I chose, express themselves. And two, they ask questions. That's it. Now, in this case, in the way that I'm teaching it to you. Because remember, what I'm teaching is what I have found to be the most efficient, most effective, easy, fun way to have conversation. How we ask questions is gonna be pretty specific and it's going to actually make it easier for you. But let's get first into expressing yourself. What are you expressing? What does that mean? You're expressing your emotions. How you feel in the moment, how you feel about something, expressing your opinions about something, you're expressing your thoughts about something I think this and lastly, you're expressing compliments towards that person when you are expressing yourself, remember great conversationalists, they love to talk about how they feel on a unique level. So it's important to say, I, a lot. I feel, I think I want, again, expressing yourself is about you. So get specific about your personal thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, things that excite you. And another thing is great conversationalists that are dying to convey exactly what's going on up here. And in here. They get visual. They really explain themselves. They are dying to get the other person to understand exactly how they're feeling about something. You could do this in your tone, in your rhythm. Notice as I'm speaking to you, the rhythm that changes the cadences that I'm making because I want so badly for you to understand what I'm teaching. I'm want so badly to convey to you how I feel about conversation. And I want to do that in a way that it's so easy for you to understand and so you understand it fully. I don't want any stone unturned and how I'm expressing myself to you. So you could say, as an example, let's come up with a sentence. I like cheese. That's very basic, It's very simple. Great conversationalists are not like that. Great conversationalists. They're dying to get you to know exactly how and why you like cheese. I'll say, Man, there's this one restaurant called forma in Los Angeles. Actually, I think there's two of them or three of them, but there's this one in Santa Monica that I love. And there's this guy in the back of the restaurant and he has this big cheese wheel. And I swear he puts hot pasta in the cheese wheel. He throws it around a little bit. And he liked his scoops out all the cheese and it gets it all cheesy. And then he just puts it on your plate, That's your meal. And I swore to you, it is the most divine experience. If you like macaroni and cheese. It's like the highest level of macaroni and cheese. So what I did right? I was just making it up as I was going. But I was trying to take something very kind of trivial, silly, basic, and trying to show you how I feel about my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings about cheese conveying to you. I am dying to get you to understand the extent of what I think, how I feel about this topic. Now, this takes practice, yes, if you're not already experienced that. But like I said. Everybody has expressed themselves before, to their best friend, to their family members. So it's something within you that you already have. And if you're not used to doing it with strangers, that's merely just kind of a fake wall we've put up for ourselves. And you need practice to break that fake wall down. And to get good at expressing yourself to strangers in the way that you do with your best friends or with your family members. Now let's get to asking questions. This is pretty fun for me. And I've talked about it before in my YouTube videos. I love a certain kind of question. I grew up learning social skills, thinking that the way I was supposed to ask questions was supposed to be open ended. So how was your day or what? Tell me about yourself. Where do you like as a person? I used to think. And I was taught that asking those open-ended, big open-ended questions helped somebody really express themselves and put themselves into the conversation. But I've realized over practice and practice and experience and experience, that actually the best way to get somebody to open up is to ask closed-ended question, but not just a closed-ended question. Something called an assumptive question. And assumptive question is a closed-ended question that has an assumption built into it. Why is this good? Well, first of all, assumptive question makes questions and conversations. It just makes them fun. It makes them more fantastic. When we ask these assumptive questions to somebody, it gets that person to kind of go into their imagination and fantasize about this assumption that you have on them. Also, the other great thing about assumptive questions is it kind of, it's kind of like a tricky thing for a person. It forces that person to want to clarify themselves. So when you're assuming something about somebody, you were saying, are you like this? Is this, you? Of course, as human beings, we're very complex. There's no one easy answer to who we are. So it could be an incredibly wrong assumption, which is totally fine and fun. Or it can be an assumption that's very close to the truth, which is another great fun thing because it enables that person who say partly. But let me explain really what the answer is. Let's say I'm talking to somebody new and they mentioned in passing that they were a boy scout. And I can say to them, Oh, I were you like the Head Boy Scout? I feel like you were the one that knew how to put all of the all of the tents together and you helped everyone else, like you are the one that got all the badges. Is that who you were? I assumed something about somebody, but I also kind of opened up their imagination, got them visualizing, fantasizing about something that could have happened or could have not happened. This, like I said, gets the conversation rolling in a fun, playful way. But it also makes that person really want to clarify themselves because maybe they weren't like that at all. Saying no. Actually, I hated camping. I didn't know how to put up a tent. I mean, I liked being a Boy Scout, but honestly, I was the person that always went late to Boy Scouts. That's so much easier for somebody when they want to clarify themselves over me just going, What was it like being a boy scout? That person doesn't know what I really wanted to hear from them when I asked that question. So they could have said, oh, yeah, well, it was nice. We went on some trips and see, it gets that person kind of explaining what it's like to be with God. I don't want to know that. I want to know this person on a personal level. I want to know them uniquely, something that they could tell me that I can't just look up on the internet or have every boy scout tell me I want to know their experience in assumptive question allows me to get that person telling me who they really are. Because when you assume something about somebody, they don't like being pinned down. So they want to clarify, now, this is not some sort of pressure you're putting on somebody where it's rude. You said that you think I'm like this. I don't like that. First of all, never assume something negative about somebody. Let's just get that out of the way. Don't ever assume something negative. Always assume something positive. And if it is kind of silly or goofy or weird. Still give it that positive twist. Positivity is king in conversation. So remember that. But also remember nobody's gonna get offended if you assume something like this for them, nobody's gonna get offended if you go into this big thing of, oh, did you really the person that put up the debits and all that stuff. It's fun for them. This is how good conversation works. They're going to want to hear that and they're going to want to clarify this at all. I actually was really bad at Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts. But when we got to like Eagle Scouts, when I was older, something changed in me. I become real, I became really passionate about it. And that is when I became the person that was leading the group, teaching people how to tie knots and stuff like that. You see, so we don't know the answers that somebody's going to give. But starting helping them out with the question is so much more easy for them, as opposed to an open-ended question of, what's Boy Scouts like or what was your favorite moment in Boy Scouts, then they have to go. This person is asking for the Top experience of my Boy Scouts time. Okay. Well, what is it? But what if I go was the best time at Boy Scouts? When you guys just all went fishing together? Then somebody caught the best fish and then you guys cooked fish. I could imagine that's like the peak level of being a boy scout is just like kind of going into the wilderness. And then what happens is, first of all, it gets that person's imagination going. They're fantasizing about this whole phishing thing. But that also starts popping up. Other memories that they've had. They go, You know what? Actually, that makes me think maybe we didn't go fishing, but we did like rock climb. It was really weird. I didn't know that Boy Scouts rock climb, but we rock climbed and that actually was my favorite. So do you see these assumptions also get that person's imagination going for what they wanted to say, instead of just giving them this clean slate and saying, tell me what the bursting of us. They go, okay, well, okay. It blanks somebody's mind out. It overwhelms them. We don't want to overwhelm. We want to make conversation as easy and as fun as possible for the other person. That helps them engage more, it helps them commit more to the conversation. So another thing about assumptive questions is I don't want you to go, Oh, wow. Anthony's assumptive question was like really like I had a lot of meat to it, like I can't do that. Or it was like really well worded and whatever. Remember, this assumptive questions are honestly the best, the most fun when they're stupid, when they're really just like wrong. Like you know, that that person did not have that experience. It gets, it gets people's imagination going. It's actually, but most people are asking barring questions. Like I wrote, I wrote an example here. How long have you been living at your current residents? How long have you been living at your current residence? Oh. How about you? Do do you have any unusual creatures living at your place of residence? I'll bet you have. Like one of the only Komodo dragons in your home. You just seem like that type of person or the open-ended question, what do you like to do for fun? I like biking and sometimes I like to play basketball. Boring. But what if you assume something about you an archer? I just feel like you are good at archery, like bow and arrows. I don't know why. I'm getting some Haley Steinfeld by about of you like your Hawkeye daughter or whatever she was in the show, is that you are un archer. Now, of course, you want to use assumptive questions as your primary way of getting to know somebody. But don't don't only do some two questions, you'll know that you're allowed to get a little deeper and maybe ask people some open-ended questions and ask people some logical questions like, how long were you, therefore, you're allowed to do that. We all know that, but I just want to teach you assumptive questions because they're the most fun and they're the best way for getting to people to open up to each other when most people think that it's the opposite. Next thing I want you to keep in mind in conversation is the one-to-one rule. Talking and listening ratio. It should be the same as much as you're talking, should be as much as you're listening. Why should I say something like this? Because a lot of people that I've coached and a lot of people that I've seen, they don't realize where they're at. So this is another roadmap thing. You're in conversation, you go wait. Have I been talking way too much and try to remember like, Has it been like 90? You 10% of them start opening them up, start asking them questions. Maybe they're the type of person that doesn't talk that much to strangers. That doesn't mean that they can't be talking to you in making it a 5050, it means that you have to get them to trust you. Be encouraged by you. You have to get their imagination going and encourage them to open up to you. Other times you're the person that's not talking a lot, you're the person that's asking a lot of questions and just listening to somebody talk. And that happens a ton as well. You get the person talking and then you're like, oh, wow. Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's cool. And that person starts going, you want to remember, oh, this has to be a 5050. So let me start talking. I'm going to start budding in and guess what? It's okay to interrupt somebody when they're talking about. It's another thing that people, It's like a misperception. Oh, don't interrupt them while they're talking. In a social arena, social environment, interrupting somebody. It's okay. I mean, don't be an interrupting person all the time. But if you're at a party or a bar, interrupting happens all the time. Why? Because the purpose of conversation is fun and connecting and vibing. You're not at sunlight political function, saying a speech. This is not some debate. People's focus is fun. There's been so many times where I've been in a group talking to people at a bar or whatever people I just met. People I already know. I'm saying something. And then somebody goes, oh god, I just forgot. Did you guys take it? And then I was cut off. There's plenty of times whereas the FREC I've seen that happen too many people as well. I've had clients where that's happened to them. They go with the FREC. I learned. Just go with the vibe of the conversation. You're allowed to do that. Forget what you said. It doesn't matter. You're here to have fun and the things that you don't need to talk about in conversation. And this is going to make it super easy for you. Because remember everything that I'm teaching you. I don't need you kind of writing outside the lines y, because I'm teaching you the core tools and basics and foundations to conversation. The place I want you to write outset draw outside the lines is your use of the tools. I'm giving you a paintbrush. Go wild with the paintbrush. Don't go. What other tools should I use? Maybe like, is there a paint roller I could use instead of a paint morph? So here's a list of things I wrote down that don't need to happen during conversation. You'll being cool, okay, That's the performative thing. You don't need to be cool. Whatever that is, that's poisoned to a good connection, good chemistry, attraction between two people. You saying fun facts. And this goes back to before the section where I said before you speak, no exchange of interesting topics. You don't have to say fun facts, telling really great stories. A lot of people think that being a great conversationalist has to do with being a great storyteller. That's not true. You do not connect with somebody through telling great stories. You do entertain through telling great stories. That's a different category. Now that being said, I tell stories, I have fun telling stories, but that is not the primary way I'm connecting building attraction, building chemistry with somebody. You being funnier than everyone else. You don't have to be the funniest. Again, another performative thing, I have to be high-value. I have to put on a good show. You having amazing body language. Whoa, what's the alpha? But listen, your purpose, what you want to accomplish in the conversation, your attention onto the person. All that body language is going to take care of itself based on what your intentions are on the inside. Also a huge misperception in conversation when you're maybe flirting with somebody or selling something to somebody or whatever it is, is your need to come off as a high-value human. It's the worst idea in the world. Remember, you're not on stage, you're not selling anything. You're not a politician trying to when somebody's vote. So your job is not to come off as a high-value human. In other words, and I listed them here, showing off things you own. People that you know, you hate, you know, you hate named droppers. You know, you hate people that are like, oh yeah. Just buy land bows out back, I just gotta go get something. The only people that care about making friends with high-value humans are superficial people. In other words, people that you don't want to make friends with. So if you find that someone seems to be judging you in that way, it's assigned to go away. Good tip Anthony. If you're talking with somebody and you find that somebody is judging you based on how valuable over human new GAR, murmur boards share market value. Go away from that person. That is not the type of person you want a relationship with, because that is how they live their life. That's how they judge people and that's how they judge themselves. They have a lot of learning to do and you don't have time to teach them. Move on to people that are already healthy and happy in their lives. Good people care about getting into relationships with people that they have chemistry with, that they share values with that they could laugh with, that they get a fun width, that they have shared interests width that is most important. So to summarize, make it really simple. Only two things you do in conversation. Can you remember it expressing yourself to asking assumptive questions? That's it. Anytime you're lost, just go wait, what do I do? That I haven't asked a question and let me make it assumptive. It'll make it more fun. Boom. 25. Listening + Relating: This is, gotta be in one of the top three important pieces of being a great conversationalist. Listening. How you listen, and emotionally relating to what somebody says. After you listen. While you're listening to the person, you're not just hearing their words and thinking about what you want to say next. When you're listening, I want you to step inside the shoes of that person. I want you to try to feel exactly what they were feeling as they're expressing it to you. I want you to try to identify exactly what that person is feeling or was feeling. The more tuned in you are to exactly how that person is feeling at every given moment, the better. If you are watching that person's face and really understanding how they're feeling at every millisecond, how their emotions change in every millisecond, you're a high level conversationalist, the less focus you put onto how that person is feeling it every moment you're a low-level conversationalists. When somebody is only peripherally focused on what somebody is saying, maybe they're listening while they're thinking about oh yeah, he said cheese and I was thinking about it. Cheeseburgers and what I want to have for dinner tonight. If you're going back and forth, width, you're listening, you are not fully feeling what that person's saying. And they're going to feel that they're going to see how this person doesn't give a **** about me, why they even here, why are they wasting time with me right now? What is the whole use of this? What is the purpose? And then they're gonna go back to, are they trying to get something from me? Whether it's sex, whether it's money, whatever it is, whether it's power. If you don't actually care about what this person is saying at every given moment. Now, here's a really fun social trick that I learned years ago. And it is, it weren't weirdly, works really well. It takes you doing nothing. Physically. You don't do anything. Let's say you ask somebody a question. They give an answer. One way to get them to keep talking is to ask them another question that clarifies, and that's totally fine. I do that all the time. But another very powerful social skill for getting somebody to open up even more and express even more is after somebody says something, you just keep shut, keep looking at them expectantly, hoping, expecting them to save and more. So if for instance, you say, Let's say for instance you did ask how was your day some open-ended question and they say, Oh, yeah, it was great. You kind of sit there and keep that silence. Don't fall for the silence. Don't buckle under the awkwardness under the silence. Just keep it there. What's going to happen is that person is gonna go, oh, yeah, Well I did this and I felt like this. And it's going to feel like a million years for you. That silence, but it's only like a 2.5th, but it feels like a long time. What that person is realizing is it's, Oh wow, this person actually wants to hear about what I think or wants to actually hear about my day. And so they're going to commit more to the conversation because you do that. So now let's talk about emotionally relating after you stepped into that person's shoes and really felt what they were feeling. What you want to do is go on the inside. Close your third eye. Emotionally close your eyes, go into that feeling. Don't even worry about the experience that they had and trying to relate to an experience because people don't relate upon experiences, people relate upon emotions better when it's a specific emotion. If somebody was telling a sad story, I don't want you to go, Oh yeah, I've been sad before. One time this happened and I felt sad. That's no Bueno, that's basic level conversation skills. What you want to do is find the very specific emotion that they're feeling. It's sad. But it also has this and it also has that go into yourself and really try to identify that feeling. Because chances are you felt something that they have felt before. We're all humans experiencing this life together. It's likely that we felt similar complex emotions before. Go into yourself, feel that emotion. And what is going to happen is something really cool experience that you've had will pop up while you felt that same emotion. I don't need you to actually think about, oh, what has an experience been that's difficult to do. But if you feel the emotion on the inside and allow the experience to find its salad. It's sow, allow the experience to find itself. It's gonna be much easier. I kinda came up with a fake little conversation to get you to understand what it's like to emotionally relate to somebody. Not just in a way where you go. Oh yeah, I feel you man. But to actually respond, say somebody is really good at expressing themselves. They say, today reminds me of one of those rainy days as a kid when the lights would go out in our house and I'd be forced to have fun with the simple things like board games, charades, drawing, telling fun stories. It started off that I'd get mad that I couldn't have my video games and stuff, but it turned into something I'd secretly get excited for when it would happen. All right, so somebody just gave a great expression of how they felt about something. You go on inside of yourself and try to feel, identify what the emotion is. We don't care about the experience. We don't have to relate to that person's experience, we can. But what's important is the emotion. People don't relate on topics. We really on the emotion underneath the topics. Yeah, I know exactly how you feel. It's almost as though those limitations are what forces us to get more creative in having fun. So I was right, so that one person was talking about It's like limitations of we can't have video games. It forced us to get more creative in figuring out other ways to have fun. I expect, kind of identified that person's emotion and spoke it back to them. But that's not all. I want to now give them an experience where I felt a similar emotion. I could say something like, I'm just gonna actually make up something on the spot here. I could say something like that reminds me actually. I love writing music. I love playing with instruments. And I usually write music on a guitar or on a piano. But weirdly, I find, I write really interesting songs, like stuff I would've never thought of before. If I create, write a song using an instrument, I've never played an instrument that I'm not good at. In fact, here, Here's an example. I once wrote a song on a Columbia, a thumb piano. I really did that. And I mean, it was so cool to see all of the different ideas I was having because of the limitations. I don't have a piano with like 88 keys or guitar with all of those things. You just have this basic instrument, like the chords and the melody that I came up with was something I would've never otherwise come up with and see what I did right there is I took the emotion that that person was feeling. I tried to identify it, I relate it back to them and then I gave them my own experience of that specific emotion. This is what a great conversationalist is doing all the time from the second that they begin conversation with anybody. The better you get at this, the better your conversations are going to be. And the more often you're going to find chemistry with people. I don't want you to think that this has to do with being really wordy. My explanations have been really I've been saying a lot in them, but you don't have to. There's times where I don't feel as talkative. But I could get pretty succinct and still identify an emotion and relating it back to them in a simple way. What I'd love for you to do right now. Take one of the stories that I just said. The one where when you're a kid, I couldn't play video games because it was raining. There was a thunderstorm. So I had to come up with other ways to have fun or my own experience of when I don't have an instrument at hand, maybe I have something like this, and I write a song and it becomes better than anything I could have written on a piano or guitar. So take those experiences right now, go into yourself, try to identify that feeling. And just identifying and then feeling the feelings. Stepping into my shoes. Allow an experience that you've had. Come out. Put it below, put it in the comments. I don't really know how Skillshare works yet. This is my first course. Are you able to do stuff like that? If you are, tell me the experience that you've had that shares the same emotion that I had or this person that is talking about thunderstorms as a kid. 26. Threading: Threading is one of these tools, these social tools that you could use as a roadmap whenever you're lost in conversation. Threading is the best way to never run out of anything to say. Threading is the way to keep you talking and talking and jumping from topic to topic so seamlessly, so smoothly, so naturally threading is also something that we naturally do in conversation. So again, you do this all the time when you're talking to people that you feel really comfortable with, but you never noticed that you're doing it. But what I'm gonna do is, like I said, highlight the skills that you already do. So if you're ever lost or anxious, you go, oh yeah. Let me just use threading as the way to come up with a new topic, to go to the next topic to continue conversation without it feeling like, okay, because I'll bet you, you've been in conversation like that where you talk about plants and you go, Oh yeah, I really like plants but I don't have a lot of sunlight at my home, so I water it in water. It might've keeps dying. Yeah, me too, That happened to me too. Is there anything else to talk about plants know? With threading? I want you to imagine conversation. As a piece of thread. You have a topic. You're talking about plants, the thread is moving. But you run out of things to say. What I want you to do is take everything that you talked about in that conversation, that you liked parts of it. It doesn't even have to be so concrete. It could just be visual association send sensory associations. So let's say you're talking about plants. And that made you think of the smell of grass, fresh cut grass. When you played soccer as a kid, you would fall and you get in the grass and the dirt and it gets all over your your clothes. All of that green grass color. That's one like a sensory association I have with talking about plants because there's a plant right here. Or let's just talk about green, the color green. Why I like green? That's another thing that's interesting to me. What about, what else is interesting to me about what I talked about with plants right there with a drying and no sunlight. So I could talk about the idea of not having a lot of sunlight in my home. Is that a positive? Is that a negative? I just came up with three things on this thread. I tried to create two different separations, but ideally we would want three. We would want to come on. I can make it work. Come on and just make it work. No, I'm ruining it. If I took the topic of the plant and I pulled it apart, using sensory associations, came up with three other things that I liked. You don't talk about things unless you like them less intriguing or interesting to you. I wouldn't just come up with things for no reason. We naturally want to talk about stuff that's fun, interesting to us. I'm going to pick out of those three the most interesting thing I want to talk about, Well, let's just take green out because I can't think of anything that I want to talk about with green. Let's take out talking about not having sunlight in your home. That's not my middle finger, by the way, ring finger. And then what was the other one I wanted to talk about? Oh, yeah. Like the smell of grass, fresh cut grass when you're playing soccer as a kid and then getting those grass stains. I want to talk about that. Now. I can thread, pull the thread apart and choose that thread. I could go on and express myself how I feel. Let's just do it. Man, I remember when I was a kid and I would play soccer. It's almost like how the **** do you get grass stains off your clothes? It's like why have I not gotten a grass stain? Since I was I mean, I've sat on grass in the past 30 years. Why have I? And so there I've just expressed myself and now I'm going to bring it to you. Have you gotten grass on your pants or clothing since you were a kid? Is it only a thing that happened in the nineties and before? Or adults not susceptible to grass like kids are. Tell me. Right. I just express myself. 11 thing you could do and then I could do to ask an assumptive question. Now let's say we're there. Let's get to the next thread. Okay, so this person starts expressing themselves and they say, No, I get grass stains all the time. In fact, I was at this museum. And then outside the museum there's this nice lawn and I sat there for lunch with my friends and my dog and it was really cute. They said something, I'm listening. I take that thread, I split it into three more things. So let's talk about things that I am interested in talking about. Museum that's cool to talk about. I have some things I want to talk about with that. To dog. ****, yeah. Just sitting on a lawn with your friend. Just sounds really nice. So what am I going to talk about? The thing that I'm interested in most? I'm interested in most. Okay. I want to talk about, I'm leaning towards museum, so that's the one I chose. Wu. Now we're taking that thread. We're gonna go to that threat and at the end of that thread will split it again with more topics, choose one, and then go to the next thread. I want to talk about museums and how on the type of person that loves museums. But I never want to go to a music. Like Saturday comes around and somebody's like what's go to a museum, dude? And I'll be like, No, I'd rather go to a restaurant or something. Are you the type of person that does that do with museums where like, I don't want to feel alone? Are you the type of person that thinks you love museums but you'd never actually want to go to museums. I assumed something about something. Remember I explained myself that assume something about the person. Now they can say no. But because it's an assumption. I got their fantasy. I got their fantasy brain opened up. I got their imagination going. So they could go, No, but I am like that with exercise. I'm the type of person that thinks they want to exercise a lot. But when I wake up in the morning or when I'm done with work, I never actually one exercise. They just talked about something with exercising. I could I could do this all day long. Because as I'm listening, I'm visualizing and I'm like things are just passing by me because I'm so focused on what that person's saying. And there's a million things that I could be latching onto. Oh, whoa, wow, wait a second. So that means you never exercise. How are you so fit? You know how hard it is for me to even look like this. How are you so fit? Do you take a miracle? Wait. Do you take that like when you go and CVS and they have that like weight-loss drug where it's like it makes your heartbeat. Do you take do you take supplements? Do you like Alex Jones do take his supplements or maybe Alpha brain by Joe Rogan. Are you a supplement person and does it work? Because I personally think it's all bull crap. I just expressed by itself. The more I'm expressing myself, the more visual I'm getting, the more stuff there is to pull out of the conversation from the thread and break it off into several other threads. See which one is the funniest? Pick it and go with it, express myself. Ask another question. Once we've done that enough, there's more stuff to talk about, more context, more threads that I can choose from that I'm interested in. Pull it and on and on again. You are never going to run out of conversation this way. This is not anything new, nothing groundbreaking. You do this naturally with your best friends and your family members all the time. This is a natural human thing to have conversation like this when we're with somebody that we're anxious around, we forget all this. We hide, we stay safe. We don't know what to do. But when you feel comfortable, this is how we express ourselves. So this is how we talk, this is how we have conversation. So the roadmap is now there. You're anxious, you ran out of something to say, you've finished on plants, you're standing around. Okay, Nice meeting you. Well, that's it. Or you could say, by the way, speaking of plants, were you the type of person that got like grass stains on your clothes off all the time. And you went to school? I was at Iverson where when I would scroll all the kids were like ***** and span. Like my mom. She washed my clothes all the time. She was she made sure I looked real spiffy. But for some reason, the second I walked into school, like my shoes were all dirty. Everyone's shoes were really nice except for mine. I always had like grasping. I was always like just messy. I don't know why. Like even look at me now. Like you've probably I have wrinkles all over my shirt. I don't know why this is a clean shirt. I'm expressing myself and then I ask an assumptive question. You are not going to share my pain as the dirty kid. You had to clean shoes, didn't you? I know you did. It's another thread I express myself. I assume something about them. It forces them to want to clarify and express themselves back to me because I asked these up the question which pin them down, tried to pin them down. And I also was super expressive myself, vulnerable as well, which made them feel as though, Oh, I could be vulnerable with them to, I could express myself just as fun and imaginative too. This is how good conversation works. You're seeing how this is starting to work. You can do this with strangers. You could do this with the person that you're sitting next to at a cafe. Let's say somebody next to you at a cafe is reading a book on their Kindle. You're drinking coffee, looking on your phone. And then you say, Kendall. I really thought those were gonna go out of style, but they are still popular. I guess. I started something. Then. I can start, I can complement the person. I'd be like, I like that you got the kendall. It's cool. Piano. It's like, I don't really see a lot of people with the Kindle or the e-book type of thing anymore. Like I dig it, I feel like you you know, if somebody's like walking around with an iPod, like you're not thinking, Oh, there's a million songs in there. But when I see a Kindle, I'm thinking like, oh, there's like 1000 books in that person's pocket right now and they could read any of them. I'm starting I'd be like, man, that's really cool about you. Thank you. I could just be like All right, Well, have a nice day. I can be like, why are you always the type of person that's like a pioneer anytime new technology comes out, like do you get the new iPhone every time it comes out? As soon as it comes out, like are you very techie type of person assuming something about them? They express themselves. I am listening, I'm falling into how I'm feeling about what they say, really getting in every little thing. And I'm also noticing maybe that they're a little held back. Oh, the stranger is talking to me. What the **** do they want? But I'm keeping open, I'm keeping fun, positive, playful. I'm treating them like they're my best friend. I'm not kind of be like, Well, sorry to bother you. I'm keeping really open. Then I can say, yeah, I'm kind of like like I wish I was the type of person that got all of the new tech. I can't afford it. It's kind of like, well, I know those tech people they can't afford it either. They just want it so bad. I'm kind of like a little past the middle. I'm close to wanting to get everything, but that's the type of person I am. Now. We talked about a lot of stuff. There's a lot of stuff to pick from. We have our thread. Let's see. I don't want to keep talking about tech anymore. It's just the one topic. Let's say when that person was explaining to me their experience with the Kindle and reading and all that. They mentioned that oh, like their favorite time to read is when they like smoke a joint, get high, do something like that. That's when they feel the most relaxed or something like that. Then that could be a thread for me. That could be a new thread that I just pulled out from what we were talking about and be like, Oh, that's really interesting. Blah, blah, blah. Let me tell you my experience with all my life, I never was a person that did drugs, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I could continue. We can go Oh, I can get by the way, I'm Anthony. Nice to meet you. Would feel awkward if we just kept conversation without introducing each other. The introduction, it's like, oh, now we're friends now, now we can have a conversation and so on and so on. Anyway, reading's amazing, It's the best thing in the world. Anytime you get lost, jump back into weight. What are my few favorite things that popped in my head because I was so into what that person was saying. And I'm going to pick my favorite thing and then go in that direction, threatening by it today. 27. Awareness: All right, so we've talked about this topic several times in the course, but I bring it up again in a different way because of how important it is, I want you to be incredibly attentive to how the person is feeling in the moment. Because of your ability to bring the conversation into a better place. While you're listening to the person or while you're talking to them, I want you to see they kind of bored right now. Are they not liking this topic? Did they maybe get offended by something I said? Maybe I could tell that they have to get going, but they're just being nice. Something that I noticed a lot is when somebody's board in conversation, but they want to keep polite as they keep this frozen smile on their face and not with their eyes. If I ever see anybody doing that, I go up. Something's not right. I'm always watching for how somebody is feeling from moment to moment so I can better manage the relationship, better manage the interaction. So we can both get to see if we can actually have a real relationship. That is my always my goal. Also, the more attentive you are to how a person is feeling in the interaction, the more they are going to want to be in the interaction. Because once again, they see that you're not a manipulator, somebody that just wants to take something from them as quickly as possible. You actually care about the relationship. You can even say it. Recently I was talking to somebody new. As we were talking. I noticed that the person kind of like really closed in their coat because it was like really cold and nobody could have a good conversation that way. So I said, Oh man, you must be really cold up. I should get. And they said No, no, no, don't worry about it. And I'm actually going to get going to in a second. Just me noticing that enabled them to go, oh, this person is aware. This person is not going to talk my ear off for the next hour while I'm freezing, they see how I feel. I could commit to the conversation for a certain allotted time knowing that we're going to part ways soon because I'm freezing and they need to get to get to somewhere. Does that makes sense? The more you're focused on how that person is feeling, the better you can manage the situation in the relationship. In the moment. 28. Two Sides Of Every Person: This is a big one. The two sides of every person. Man, I, I put a lot into this part of the course because to me it's so important. I want you to think that every single human being, no matter what, has two sides to them, they have a sincere side. They have what we call Deviant side. Every single person has this natural as a human being to have a sincere side and a deviant side. Now, every happy, healthy person is fully expressing both sides of themselves. At all times. That being said, there's always a balance to the context of the situation, the environment, the context of the conversation where you are, whether you're in class, whether you're at work, whether I don't know, whether you're at a party now to suppress any side yourself is to be disrespectful to the other person because it's telling them that it's like, Oh, this person is hiding parts of themselves from me for whatever reason. Also, it presents an imbalanced picture of who you really are. That's why it's so important to make sure that you are exhibiting both sides of yourself when you're interacting with people. Once again, in a balanced way. You're going to learn to calibrate yourself in each circumstance, in each environment based on your experience with expressing both sides, your sincere side and your deviant side. Sincerity. This is the side of you that has your morals, your values, passions, aspirations, philosophies. You're communicating to the person that you're talking to, that you're a healthy, level headed, responsible, acceptable functioning member of society. Do you ever see in TV shows or movies when the bad boy finally shows his sincere side. And you feel really bad about him like, Oh man, he's a good guy, isn't. That's the sincerity. That's the sincere side. Now when you don't show your sincerity to people, when you're interacting with them, people are gonna think that you are kind of a ****** nugget, a clown, somebody that's scared of opening up. Now remember, sincerity is not about just like throwing your emotional baggage onto somebody and saying, let me tell you the time in my life where I saved the cat from a tree in that I felt that that's not what being sincere as about, in a nutshell. It basically is meant to show that you're a normal person. You're saying now, we're gonna get to deviance. What is deviance? It is the side of a person that doesn't fit with society standards. It doesn't fit with society's expectations of you. And it's another way to get vulnerable because when you show your deviance to somebody in public that you don't know, you are putting yourself up for judgment. Oh gosh, wait a second. You use to pick your nose when you were a kid, you stopped picking your nose at 12 years old. That's weird, dude, that is weird. The deviance is the weird side of you, The sometimes unacceptable side of you. Now remember having deviance is normal. Every single person has deviance is about them. It is healthy. Now you're deviant side is also where you're playful, funny side is it's where your eccentricities, idiosyncrasies. It's where you're weird side is your creative side. Deviance is where artists dwell. In the blues. There's something called the Blue Note or the devil's note. This a long time ago, was a very unacceptable sound and music, but the blues took it and used it in here. Let me, let me show it to you. Right there. That is the blue note in blues. That seemingly doesn't sound so good until like blue and I'm not that good a blues, but like blues musicians can go like, I'm not that good at blues, but hopefully you get the idea. It sounds kind of ugly, it sounds kind of wrong. But the great thing about deviance, just like the blue note, is it's what helps progress things. It's that creative side that took the blues and turned it into rock and roll, turned rock and roll into metal and expanded into more creative genres. Now if you aren't expressing your deviant side, people don't see you as a full human. They'll see you as boring. Like you're holding something back. Like you're shy, like you're way too nice. They also won't trust you as easily. Because if you're not showing your deviant side, that must mean that a There's something you're hiding that must be really bad that you don't want to talk about it. Or two, that you're the type of person that judges deviance is, and you're likely to judge that person's deviance. And that is not something that people can trust. Once you are expressing your deviant side that encourages and welcomes the deviance is from the other person. This is where relationships and conversations get really fun when two people relate on their sincerity and their deviance, That's when it's a perfect match. All right. We're about to go a little bit deeper down the rabbit hole. The best way, the easiest way to express your deviance is, is through humor. Humor is by definition, deviant. Why? Because something that makes you laugh has two very, very slightly offend. Now that doesn't mean offend like, ha, I'm offended. It could mean offend your sense of reality. What you know is true in the world. If I told you right now that I'm not, I'm literally wearing nothing under this table. You could maybe understand that it wasn't true. So you're slightly offended. Your reality is slightly offended. But then you go, Oh yeah, that's not true. And that could make you chuckle. You could believe what I said, which means that I passed the line of slight offense and went into true offense. And that can make you mad and go, Wow, he really naked under there. Or you could still know that I'm joking, but that still passes into real offense because your why would you talk about that in a Skillshare class, Anthony plywood, you talk about you being naked underneath the table. Now people don't laugh at truly offensive things. People don't laugh at non-offensive things. People laugh at very slightly offensive. And comedians, professional, really good comedians, they know exactly where that line is between not offensive and defensive. Funny is right in the middle. And comedians are trying to dance on that line at all times because that is where you are laughing now. What is offensive? Of course, that's subjective. And it is, it's based on context, It's based on mood, it's based on circumstance. If we get really, really into the basics of humor. Humor, something funny is when you are introduced to something that is offending your reality somehow, then simultaneously or very shortly after, you realize that it's not actually offensive. Now again, this doesn't mean offensive in a tangible way, like you've just offended me. You said something mean to me. It could just like I said, be offending your reality. In other words, what you know is true in real. If I say something that messes with what you know is true in real like me being if you haven't seen me, you don't know. I could be I could have no clothes on under here right now. That idea could make you laugh. If you, if you consider that, it could be true, but you know, it's not true, That's where but you could not laugh. That could not offend your reality. You could be like, of course, Anthony is not naked under there. But am I. Or you could be offended in a way where it's like so and funny that it's cringe worthy. That's another way that it's, it could be offensive to you. Remember, funny is when it's introduced as a possible offense to your reality. And then simultaneously or shortly after it is revealed that it's actually not offensive. It takes a very witty person to be able to just come up with these ideas, these funny ideas at anytime. And it takes a very sharp person, a sharp mind, to be able to react in the moment and say these things to you. So we're gonna go down a little bit deeper into the rabbit hole. What's the best, easiest way to be funny? I don't have to give you all of the different techniques for humor. You don't need it. Let's do the 8020 principle. So the easiest way. To be funny is to lie. And then quickly take it back to lie is offending reality. It's telling somebody something that's not true, something that they would go, Wait, are you serious? Because it's offending the person's reality. And then to take it back but saying no, I'm just joking. Which then shows them shortly after that it's no real offense to their reality. I could say I'm actually naked under somebody would go really. Yeah, you didn't see me come in. I know the owner here. He knows I like to be naked and I noticed I'm polite to everybody wear I wear the shirt but underneath nothing underneath the owner. Chez. I don't know what I'm doing right now, but the person goes, Wait, are you serious? And you're like No, I can know again, welcome. Wearing shorts. Lie and take it back. It could be anything. Keep it simple guys. Somebody asks, or where did you grow up? I actually grew up in Russia. I actually was an orphan and my parents, my adopted parents took me to Russia and then they made me an orphan again. Then literally not joking, a rich bald man adopted me and his name was not doubting more box and I did not call him daddy. I'm lying, but this is like a long lie. You don't even have to do this. You could just say, I was born in Russia as an orphan. Really know those born in New Jersey. Simple, very, very small lies work. You could pull the lie out and really make a stupid story about it and then take it back and say, no, I'm just joking. But it's as simple as that to be funny. Now there's a ton of things like exaggerations, which is another way to offend somebody's reality. You can do misinterpretation. So somebody says something like, Oh, I really like plants. I really like, I love eating plants. I'm a plant a year and you say, Wait, you're really, did you say you're an ant eater? If that's funny to somebody, they would laugh at that. But let's not talk about all of the different ways to be funny. Let's just talk about very simple. You could do this all the time. You could do this 20 times in a conversation and it won't get old, You lie and take it back. Now of course, I want you to remember, we're not being deviant the whole time. We're not being funny the whole time. Like I said, people are gonna think you're a clown. People might think you're reduced. You don't take anything seriously. So we're always thinking about the balance between sincerity and deviance. You get a little deviant. You may be say some lies. Then you may be jumping into being sincere, talking about your passions, talking about your values, jump into being deviant again, keep that balance, keep it going back and forth. That's what makes a charming individual a great conversationalists. It helps the other person to bring out their sincere and deviant side and see if you guys click. Now remember the thing about lying is, I don't want you to say ally, that is so unbelievable. Why? Because it won't offend their reality. If you say something like, Oh, I was actually born on Mars and then I was flown here by Jeff Bezos is great grandpa. He actually was the original Mars person. That's not believable. That doesn't offend somebody's reality because we go, It's not, that's not true. It's not that funny. But when you could find that line where it's in-between real and not real for the person. That's when Wait, are you serious? That builds tension. And then when you let them know that you were just joking around, release, that's a laugh. When you think about it, a laugh is really an audible sigh of relief to somebody. Is reality being offended. Now, as you're practicing this little social skill, remember that you are still learning. So you're bound to go a little bit past and actually offends somebody's reality or not go far enough, you're still looking where to be able to dance on that line. That takes experience, that takes practice. Professional comedians work on this their entire lives. So it's okay if you say something that goes a little overboard or isn't enough, practice, keep practicing over and over again. Eventually you're going to find that line and know how to hit it based on the circumstance and the contexts that you're in. Every time. Another reason why humor is attractive is because you are being deviant without fear of consequences. You are taking a risk at offending somebody without a fear of consequence. When somebody sees that you do that without anxiety, without fear, that's an attractive trait. So a little bit more on deviance. I say deviance isn't just humor, it's whatever it has to do with showing the unusual, quirky, weird, or unacceptable, idiosyncratic sides of you. So here's some examples that I wrote. It could be your hot takes about a topic. I really actually think that Trump had something about, I don't know. It could be talking about sex, it can be talking about your attraction to the person or an attraction you have to somebody else. It could be unusual or counterculture interests that you might have. I like dressing up as cartoon characters on my weekends, walking around and just having people wonder who the **** that is under that costume. Cursing. That's a deviance. Tattoos, drinking drugs or deviance is social. I'm just listing the obvious. Deviance is like when people go to a bar, they all drink. People he'd like to curse. They'd like to tell jokes. They like to talk about social taboos, socially unacceptable stuff. It is the place where people go because at work they can't show their deviance is they have to follow orders. They have to be strict about what they're showing to the world. And that's a lot of tension. When they go to a bar, when they go to a party, when it's the weekend, everyone wants to just relax, not have to worry about being really uptight. And they want to let out their deviance is part of that is cursing, part of that is drinking, doing drugs, talking about sex, talking about weird topics that you wouldn't usually talk about, unacceptable things. Every situation, like I said, calls for a different balance of your deviance and your sincerity based on the context. So say you're at your nephew's birthday party, you're not going to show a wild amount of deviance and low sincerity. You're going to probably want it more like this kind of balance. However, I have found when at a social function among adults like a bar, a party, or something like that. The best ratio for sincerity and deviance I've actually found, and you're not going to believe me here, but this is the truth. Two-thirds deviance. 1 third sincere. Like I said, when people are off of work, they want to let their hair down, they want to have fun. They want their deviance level to be high. However, if you're only showing deviance, know sincerity, you look like a ******, a crazy person. Somebody that is very insecure. Somebody that is a clown can never just come down and get serious. While you're showing that two-thirds of deviance, you want to make sure you have that show that backbone that underneath the underlying sincerity. 1 third of the all interactions should have your passions, your values, your morals, but you don't need to go crazy talking about them as long as you hint at them from here and there, that person goes, okay, He's a normal person, he's a good person, and all of his deviance is, that's on top. He's having fun right now with me. I want to join him in that fun. As long as I know that there's, that, there's that sincerity underneath. Now, let's say you guys hit it off and you hang out again, whether you're making friends with somebody or you're going on a date with that person. Maybe the time calls for the sincerity to go way up. You guys to talk about things where you're sharing values. You're talking about what you want in your futures together. Who knows? And then maybe the next time you guys hang out, you go somewhere really crazy and the deviance level shoots through the roof. You want to find what the right balances. But remember, every single person, I don't care who you think it is. Has both. 29. Advancing The Relationship: Alright, let's talk about advancing the relationship. The first milestone in any relationship is the introduction. Hi, nice to meet you. What's your name? This is my name. It's established that we're going to have a real conversation between two people that are now acquainted. The second milestone in any relationship is expressing your elevated interest in each other. The third milestone in any relationship is proposing to advance their relationship to the next level. We're gonna talk about those bottom two because we already talked about introducing yourself. So now we're gonna talk about expressing an elevated interests between each other and proposing to advance the raw Lawson slope. Now, like I said, in any relationship, you must do all of these no matter what, whether it's a business relationship, a friendly relationship, romantic relationship. So when two people are chatting and they could tell that there is some chemistry there. And that chemistry seems to actually be more than with most people they meet. You want to express that, you want to express that elevated interest in the person because you are legitimizing your purpose for the relationship. You're saying, Hey, you're really cool person. I I'm just sitting next to you at the bar randomly, but it's really nice to meet you. You're really awesome. So I'm expressing my elevated interests. You could do this in whatever way you want. I just said you're a really cool person. That's completely acceptable, It's completely fine. You can make it something specific or you can make it general. But it's the fact that you do it, that you are kind of pointing it out. That's important. So yes, it's important to legitimize your intentions towards the other person, and it's important that both people are clear about it. We want to know how each other fields about the relationship. We don't want things to be wishy-washy. I don't know. Maybe no. You want to express your interest in that person and if they like you enough, they're going to reciprocate that elevated interests back. The other great thing about expressing your elevated interest is it just makes the person feel really good. It's also an attractive trait because not only is it vulnerable, it's purposeful in a purposeful person is an attractive person. And of course, it justifies why you too, should spend more time together. You express that elevated interest. It legitimizes the next thing, proposing to advance or escalate the relationship. Now again, expressing your elevated interest, it doesn't have to be really deeper. In depth, you can say, I like you, you're an awesome person, you realize that. So how do you express your elevator and interests? Remember, like I said, it doesn't have to be in depth, drawn out overly wordy. It could be as simple as just telling the person I like you. You could say, you're a really awesome person. You're really cool. I like talking to you. I know that may sound cheesy to you, but it's okay that it's cheesy because when two people like each other, they want to show that they like each other, it's okay to be cheesy. Tell the person that you'd like them. You can even say to the person I can tell you and me are going to be good friends. That's actually a pretty good one. You could do that with somebody you're even attracted to, somebody that you are looking to have a romantic dynamic width. So when the two of you have expressed your elevated interest in each other, the next natural step is to want to see each other again. And because you're the person that probably started this interaction, you are a purposeful person. You're a person that knows that it's your responsibility to lead an interaction if you want the right relationships in your life. I want you to take it as your duty to propose this. Now, the greatest way to do this, the easiest way is to start the sentence with, we should wrote some examples down. We should get together some time. We should make friends. We should go see a movie sometime, we should go see a rugby game. So taking rugby as an example, the context of two people that are interested in something, let's say, like football is cool but like rug, these freaking crazy. The other person could go. Yeah, I used to watch rugby on TV when I was a kid and I could respond with your freaking awesome, We should go see a rugby game together. It's that simple. I expressed my elevated interests. Yo your freaking awesome too. I had proposed to advance the relationship to the next level, we should go see a rugby game together. It's as quick and as simple as that. It doesn't have to be like I just want to say, This conversation has been really good to me. And I hope it has to YouTube. I really like you as a person and I really hope we can turn this into something special. Just make it quick. You're a really cool person who we should get together sometime. Express elevated interest. We should, blah-blah-blah. Simple as that. You're really cool person. We should get together some time. Say it over and over again. It's so simple, it's always let it come out of your mouth like things that come out of mass. If the person says yes to that, then you propose a soft date to get together. So maybe we should maybe we should get together next week. It's soft, it's not are used free on Tuesday, the 23rd at 06:00 PM. Don't do that. Just give, uh, uh, maybe, maybe we should do this, maybe next week. Why? It doesn't matter if you guys hang out next week. You guys could hang out next week. But it solidifies that idea in the person's mind. So when they go home, they're going, oh yeah, I might hang out with that new friend next week. The next part is to exchange contacts. Obviously. Now, I personally think that exchanging phone numbers is okay, fine to do. But it can get a little bit tricky. People usually save texting people with their phone number, their real phone number for their best friends, their family members, the people that they're dating, their boss, like their employees, whatever. They don't usually save it for the person that they just met. And it can get lost in the mix if you do that. What I really like is Instagram message somebody through Instagram. And here's why. Because when you message somebody through Instagram, not only is that a very social place to interact with new people at somebody where you can just follow a bunch of new people and it doesn't feel as serious as a phone number. But at the same time, people are able to see your lifestyle through Instagram. And conversely, you are able to see their profile as well and see who they are as people. Now the next best thing is with text. It's kinda hard to like, Oh, what do I say? What do I text the person? Because there's not a lot of context when you're looking at a blank screen, ready to text somebody. But the great thing about Instagram is people are constantly uploading their stories every day. The stories change every 24 hours as we all know, the new person that you just followed and they followed you, their stories are going to go to the top of your list. You see his story. It gives you context for what to talk about. Maybe they went water skiing and you say, Oh, when I was a kid, I used to actually water ski 21 time I fell so hard. I actually got a baseball size like bump on my face for literally like an entire month. I was so upset because I thought it would ruin my summer. It didn't ruin my summer entirely. But like, it was scary, like literally I fell so hard off that, you know, you could get into conversation. There's already context with Instagram. Also, that person could see that you're a normal, cool, fun person. You're not some like weird creep that has, I don't know what's going on in his life. If the person, the more the person knows about you, the easier it is for them to want to see you again. Now lastly, after you exchange contact with somebody, let's say it's Instagram. If you want it to be Snapchat or Facebook, whatever, that's fine too. As long as it has some social aspect. After you do that, I don't think you need to walk away. There's a lot of dude's that think, oh, I want to go up to the girl. I want to get the number. Once I get the number on, good baby, I'm good. They go in. Their whole goal is focused on getting the number. I don't want you to have that type of focus. I don't want you to have that I need to when I need to achieve that tangible success, Focus, why? Because it's gonna take you away from the chemistry, that connection with that person. So after you exchange contact with somebody, don't leave. Stay if you like the person, keep talking to them. Let the exchange of contexts merely be just a sliver of the full interaction, not the goal. I want you to get out of this goal oriented Headspace when socializing, it makes things very cold, detached, robotic. So to summarize, there's three milestones and every relationship first, introducing yourself to expressing elevated interest, which is very fast, very easy, not something that has to be in depth. It's actually more fun and easy and just like believable when it's fast and loose. And three, proposing to advance their relationship. Once again, the same thing. Hey, we should go to rugby together. We should go see it. Rugby, rugby game, a rugby match, what is it called? Those are the three parts of any relationship. If it is actually going to go somewhere, every relationship has this. 30. Conversation Exercises: Let's get into some conversational exercises now you could do this by yourself and make believe you're talking to somebody in kind of like being playing chess with yourself. Or if you have a friend or a family member, you could practice these conversation exercises with them. So the first exercise, the relating exercise, you tell a story and have your partner first identify the underlying emotion. Then feel that emotion themselves, then identify and experience they've had, and then relay it back to the person. Or maybe you could start with having your friend tell the story and then you do that. You identify the underlying emotion, feel that emotion in yourself, identify an experience you've had, then relay it back to the person and have that person do it back to you, back and forth. So on a threading exercise, threading exercises, really fun, really simple, much more simple than the relating exercise. Say a word, have the other person list three topics that they censor really associated with the word. Pick one that is your favorite. And then repeat, and then you take whatever that word is and then thread three things you like. Pick one and just do the words. You don't even have to have a conversation. This helps you very quickly come up with topics. And then the assumptive question exercise, super fun. Merely, just ask weird, fantastic imaginitive, not even, you know, are not true assumptive questions to the other person. They answer the question and then they ask an assumptive question to you. Do it back and forth. It's a great, great exercise and it's a ton of fun. And it's gonna teach you how to have fun in real conversations too. So that concludes the third section of this conversation class that is holding conversation that was a long one, everybody. The next one, the last one is working room. Now that we know the headspace that we want to be in. Now that we know how to start a conversation, now that we know how to actually hold a conversation and finish the conversation, let's put it in real-life scenarios. What happens if you go to a party? What happens if you go to a bar? What happens if you go to some art gallery where if you go to a cafe, What are these social functions? What do you do once you're there? We're going to talk about that in the next final section. Working a room. 31. Get There Early: You get to a party, you want to put into practice all of the things that you've learned so far. Good. I'm proud of you. Good job. But what happens to me when I go to any social function? I enter, I see a lot of people talking to each other. Everyone's having fun to everyone seems to know each other for some reason, like everyone in the room was already best friends. The music blasting, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety. I started thinking things like, Wow, everyone looks so much cooler than me. Everyone's having such a great time. Everyone knows each other. I'm the odd man out. What the heck do I do? This section, this fourth section is about that. It's called working the room. All of the social skills, all of the headspace like mindsets that I've taught you so far really are not worth much. If you don't know how to strategize for what you're gonna do in the room when you go to a social event. Even if you go to, I don't know, a cafe or a park, you still want to understand the whole the big picture. And so that's what we're gonna talk about. The first thing that I tell everybody that goes to an event and wants to meet people. How do you get rid of that feeling when you go into like, oh my God, all of these people, what do I do? Again, social skills is easy. There's no magic tricks. It's all stuff that is based in stuff you've done already, stuff that you're familiar with. You may have done it before when I tell you this and you're gonna go, I haven't done that. Oh yeah. That was pretty good. And when I don't do that, it never ends up well, what what is this thing? Get to the event early. Now when I mean early, I mean, if you're not on time, get there like a half an hour early. So what you're there alone for ten minutes if nobody's there, fine. Guess what You get to do while you're there. You get to familiarize yourself with the environment, make it feel like it's your own home. Without all of the people there, you say, oh, okay, this is mine. I feel comfortable as I am here. What if you go to like an art gallery and you get there half an hour early, who are you likely to see? You're likely to see the curator, the party host, whatever it is. Maybe they're setting up. That is the first-person you talk to. You get to know them, introduce yourself, feel comfortable with the person that's leading the event. Once you feel comfortable with that person, once that person kind of makes you feel relaxed, gets to know you knows that you're a good person. Well, from there it's like, okay, at least I know somebody if you're going alone right now, What's the other benefit of getting there early to somebody like me who's an introvert. I'm assuming that a lot of you are gonna be introverts. The person I'm talking to right now, you're likely an introvert. It's okay if you're not. But for introverts were not good with who were lots of people all at once? Very overwhelming. Lots of people, lots of lights, lots of sounds. Very overwhelming. I am good with a slow drip of people. I get overwhelmed. If it hits me all at once, I get I'm like shocked with anxiety, I'm frozen. But because I'm not that great at being in the moment, I have to constantly be practicing it. Whereas like extroverts, they're good at just being in the moment at all times 80. Yeah, You'll do that. I have to warm up. Now the best way to warm up is if you get to a place early, you get a slow drip of the people that are coming to the event. You're there, maybe you met the event organizer at an art gallery or whatever. And then the first group of people come in, you introduce yourself to them, get to know them a little bit. Now, not only are you friends with the organizer, but the first group that came in there, as more and more people come in, it's going to feel really natural. Just turn around and say, Hey, what's your name? I got here early. I'm not the host, but I guess I'm acting like the host. So what's happening is, as the night progresses, you get to build with the night. Now I'm sure that this has happened to you. Maybe you went to a bar on a Saturday night a little bit early and there was not a lot of people there. The DJ really wasn't pumping yet, but you got a couple of drinks, send you over the course of an hour, you start seeing more people crowd in. The music gets louder and better and you're growing with that music, with that energy. Whereas if you got there at midnight or something, 01:00 AM, it's already in full swing. That could be overwhelming, but when you build with the night, it feels so much more comfortable. You're going to feel more at ease, more confident. 32. The Party Host: When we go to a social function, even if you get there early, it sometimes could feel like you're still the odd man out. It can sometimes feel like, Well, I've never been to a place like this before. Everybody's with really cool friends. Everyone looks really cool. I don't feel really cool. What's going on? Well, something that's really worked for me is to kind of switch my perspective, switch my Headspace just the same way that I teach you when you meet somebody. Assume that this person is just like your best friend. Get into the headspace that you're about to interact with your best friend, not some random stranger. Now the same applies to going to an event. I want you, instead of feeling like you're the odd man out at any event, I want you to just take on the idea that you're hosting this party, this event, whatever it is, I want you to feel like you're the party host. What is a host do? They're not kind of, first of all, they're definitely not hiding in the corner, just standing, looking at everyone. Neither are they staying with one group the entire night. What a party host does is they move from group to group. Asking how everyone's doing, making sure everyone's okay, Bringing the fun to each group. Making sure everyone feels heard and making sure everyone feels recognized and is never cutting off the relationship that you've built with each group. You don't go into a group, meet them and say, Oh, nice meeting you guys. Okay, Bye. Have a good night. No. You go into a group, you say, alright, I'm gonna keep talking to people. I'll see you guys in a little bit. Many people have problems with leaving and making it as though I'm never gonna see you again. Sorry, I was nice meeting, you know, once you've chatted with people there now your buddies there now your friends, and you hope to see them again. So you could say that I'm I'll probably see you guys a little bit later tonight. I'm going to go mingle around a little more. This actually is good because as you do that, as you start moving from group to group and then maybe come back later on, we're gonna get more into this in the next section. But as you do that, it creates more of this camaraderie with people that you met at the beginning of the night. Because then when you go back, it has this OH, I know you vibe to it. Rather than you being a stranger, this is so powerful. Think of yourself as the host of the party. You are the person that's bringing value to the room you are providing for everybody here. Now, that doesn't mean you are hosting up already. But when you feel like that, you're going to feel so much more confident. 33. The Funnel Method: What most people do when they go to any social event is if they go with a friend, maybe they'll kinda hide in a corner, hang with themselves, not really branch out. Or maybe they'll see somebody that they want to talk to across the room. Do that kind of approach thing that I talked about in the past sections. You see that girl over there? All right. Let's go. Okay. You ready? Let's go. Then you go and you build it up in your head. Then if it doesn't work out, you feel weird. You creeped out a group, you leave, you go back to your little corner and then you'll find somebody else to talk to. I mean, this is the most unattractive person ever at a party and I'm sure you've seen them before. They are merely looking to just take from people. Not a good headspace, it's not efficient. What is much more efficient is something I call the funnel method. Now I want you to think of a funnel shaped like this, not a pyramid funnel. Now I want you to think of everybody at a social event, whatever it is at the top, there, at the top layer of this funnel. At the beginning of the night, let's say for the first let's cut it into lake a 45-minute sections. What's 40? Hey, Siri, what's 45 times three? Is 45 times three is 135. Hey, Siri, what's 135 divided by 6135 divided by Cc is 2.252.25 hours. I had a party. Let's take the first 45 minutes. I want you to speak to everybody at the event. Everybody at the event in the first 45 minutes. Again, you're kind of being the party host, going from group to group, saying hi, introducing yourself, bringing value, having fun with everyone, making everyone feel good and recognized as a party hosts should. As you're moving around. I want you to just get a feel for who you really felt that best friend, dynamic width, the most in the room. Now maybe you talked to like 1015 groups in a 45-minute period. Maybe it's like 55 minutes each group or something like that. After that 45 minutes, you'll kind of HIV an idea in your head, I really liked that person. That person was really cool. What I want you to do the next 45 minutes of the party of the event is go only back to the groups that you liked the best. Let's say if there were ten groups, now you went, now you only go to like four or five groups. That's the next 45 minutes in the funnel, we're going to say that there's three levels of this funnel. First one's nice and long at the top. The second one is a little bit smaller. Then the bottom funnel, the bottom part of the funnel, right? In this second 45-minute level, you're going and you're building the connection with the people that you liked even more. This could be the time where maybe you express your elevated interest in the person that you liked or you are really cool person. That's why I came back here. I wanted to make sure I talk to you again. Maybe if it's somebody you're attracted to, you get a little bit more flirting with them. Ask a little bit more about who they are, get a little bit deeper in the conversation. That's the second 45 minutes. After you went to the four or five groups of the people that you liked the most there we have our third level baby. These are saved for the 12 groups that you really liked the most. You go back to them and you really like, finish up the conversation. Have a lot of fun. Get to know them even more. Flirt a little bit more with them, whatever it is, express your attraction and people that you're attracted to if you're there to meet, make friends. Like I said, express your elevated interest again, if you want or now proposed to advance the relationship, hey, we should get together. Sometimes it's getting late, I'm about to get going, but we should hang, we should go to that rugby game we talked about at this point. There's going to be. At the very least, if you've done it right, there's gonna be at least one person that you really felt great width like somebody that you're like, ****, I'm so happy I came out tonight because I met that person. If you did this right, everything we've worked on so far in this course, you're going to meet at least one person. Good. Now if you're lucky, you're going to have one or two more people, three more people that three people that you met that you've had a really good time with, that you can exchange contexts with and that you know, you're excited to see you again, to hang out with, to go hang out with their friends next week or invite them to a party that you're gonna throw or at the end, bottom of the funnel, let's say you guys want to go somewhere else. The art gallery ended at like, I don't know, 839. You guys still want to hang out. You can invite the people and say, Hey, why don't we like me and my buddy, you're gonna go to this bar across the street. Why don't you guys come with us? So it is proposing to advance the relationship right then and there. So that's when they leave the funnel and you guys go do something together, whatever that may be. Now, here's another cool thing. Throughout the night in this funnel, you don't only have to exchange contact with the people at the end. Say you had like light connections with people in the second level, not enough to want to go back to them again or maybe some of them were leaving throughout the night. If you met, then you could say, Hey, I'm going to keep talking to people, but it was really cool meeting you. We should get together some time. Are you on Instagram? Change contacts like that. Do that throughout the night. You're going to exchange contacts with a handful of people, and especially one really good one. That is the funnel method. This is how to socialize. At a social function, it is the best, most efficient, most effective way for making it work. There's so many benefits that I had to like list them and I swear I'm not going to remember all of them. Okay, so here's the benefits. One, people will see you as a positive addition to the room instead of a negative addition. Remember what I talked about in at the beginning. All of these people that kinda go and kind of creep out the room. They go somewhere, hey, how you doing? Until the people don't like them anymore and they leave, they find somebody else. They leave and they're just crushing every group in the room. People noticed that and ago. But what if you're that like mingling party host that's going around bringing good cheer, not trying to be creepy to anybody, not trying to hit on anybody to quickly. People noticed that in a room. They're noticing, oh, like who is this person that's talking to everybody that's having such a good time. And it's so friendly, doesn't look like they're trying to take anything. That is very good because those people are going to feel much more comfortable and excited to talk to you. When you finally come up to them. You get to refine relationships and build chemistry with the people over the course of the time. We already talked about that. Now. Three, because you befriend the entire room over the course of the whole night funneling in. You no longer feel alien to the big groups and the people at the venue. We talked about that because you're talking to so many new people and then going back to them, building friendships with them, you really build a strong momentum throughout the event. Next, because you're being so friendly with everyone, an equally giving your love to the room. You're not going to feel this desperate need to be validated by any one person. What usually happens is people will hide in the corner, they'll stare, they'll get up the courage to finally approach and say something stupid to somebody. Then when it doesn't work out, I feel horrible. And now their self-esteem is dropped even further. If they go try to talk to somebody again, it drops further. And this just goes into a vicious cycle, ruining their nights out when they want to go meet people. It's not effective, is not Efficient. Next, you have the opportunity to choose who you want to be with. Because you are mingling throughout the night, going from group to group connecting, seeing who you liked, seeing what felt right, seeing who liked you and really felt good with you when you go back. Now you have an abundance of people that you could connect with and start relationships with, grazes the confidence. So next, you get to meet gatekeepers. What is gatekeepers mean? Gatekeepers are usually the people. That are kind of leading the group. When you meet and befriend the gatekeeper, maybe there's this shy person that you really wanted to talk to that you've found attractive. But I don't know. They were kind of like blocked by all their friends. They looked intimidating. But when you meet the whole group and you befriend the whole group, especially the gatekeeper, the leader of the pack. When you make friends with that person, they want you to make friends with their friends because you are equally giving love to the whole room, to the whole groups. You're not focusing on any one person more than another until you hit chemistry with somebody. So when you find these gatekeepers, these people that are kind of the ones that call the shots in the group. When you befriend them, it's so much more powerful than just seeing somebody that you find attractive at a party, going up to them, ignoring all their friends and ruining it. But even if that person liked to, their friends are gonna make it very hard and uncomfortable for you to continue that connection in conversation. The last benefit of my funnel theory is it helps you join and build your own social circles. If you go to an event with just your friend. And then like I said, if it's this dating context that you're in where you're looking to meet new people. To date, you're gonna go up to one person didn't work, go up to another person didn't work. But if you're making friends with the whole room, you have so much more room to invest in these relationships. And then when you make these connections, this is for an entirely different course. But we're gonna touch on it lightly here. When you make these friends at a party and you join their social circle, you get to hang out with them and their friends on another night. And if you make good friends with these people, eventually there's gonna be some sort of party that they invite you to, or bowling night or birthday party or whatever it is, you're gonna meet somebody cute at that event. And it's gonna be a billion times easier to talk to them. Because now you're in the social circle, you're friends with everybody. It's not this cold approach. It's not this intimidation that you feel if you go up to a stranger. That's the power of social circles. Now, when you're practicing this funnel method, There's something I call like a roll-off. When you're talking to a group, what most people do is they talked to a group and then they kind of go back to their headquarters there little corner. They take a social break and then they go back into what this does is kills your social momentum. What I like to do and what I teach all of my people that I coach is once you're in a group and you're done, literally just turn around and see what the group behind you or next to you is talking about are doing. The other benefit of this is because you already made friends with a group right there. It's going to feel so much more comfortable talking to the new group because that new group is gonna see you talking to them and making friends. And that old group, the group that you just talked to, they're gonna be there for you. They like you. They are going to support you instead of going into a completely different part of the room. And so what I do is I of roll off from one group to the next group to the next group, talking to everybody. Eventually I talked to the whole room. Now in the next video, I'm gonna teach you something called meditative mingling. 34. Meditative Mingling: Now, I had a ton of anxiety throughout my early 20s when it had to do with socializing at night. It was weird for some reason. I was able to talk to anybody I wanted to in the daytime. But when it came to nightlife, I was frozen. I was just so weird and anxious. I had this whole idea of what like talking to people at night looked like and I felt I couldn't match that. And I know a lot of people also experienced that same feeling. What I wanted to do as I always do, is bring it to the foundations, bring it to the basics of what socializing is all about. We talked a lot about this in the first section before you speak, when I talked about engagement, but now we're going to look at it on a bigger level. How do we interact with a room? How do we feel less anxiety when you are at this loud, crazy bar or wherever you're at. Even a cafe, even a Quiet Cafe or bookstore, if you suffer from social anxiety in big groups like I did, I recommend you practice something I call meditative mingling. Now meditative mingling. It's a process. It doesn't just take one day. It could. But if you have a lot of social anxiety, like I did, it could take about a month to really work on. What I always teach. And this is how I taught myself, is the first time I go out. I don't look at my phone. I go alone. I'm by myself. I sit there by myself and I basically just meditate. Now I'm not talking about meditating. Listen to Rosie O'Donnell in your headphones, tell you to breathe three times out and in. That's not what I'm talking about. When I talk about meditation. It's pretty simple. It's just a connection to reality because I'm so often in my head thinking, feeling all of these weird emotions, I want to just focus on connecting to reality. Now, like I've talked about in a previous video, extroverts are really good at this. They're born to do this. They don't spend as much time in their head. They spent a lot of time here in the physical realm. What introverts have to do is they need to learn balance. You can't spend all of your time retreated into your head, especially when you want to socialize. So it's not as quick, it's not as easy and fast as extroverts do as soon as they go somewhere, boom. For me, an introvert takes time for me to warm up to get into reality. So what I do, I'm slow. I'm alone. Maybe I'll sit at a bar stool. I want I'm not going to drink, not going to look at my phone. What I'm gonna do is use my senses to slowly taken what's going on in the room without any judgment whatsoever, put onto yourself or to whatever you're observing. Maybe first you'll use your ears. I think using your ears is probably the best first step into this. I'll start listening and I'll start catching different glimpses of conversation. As I'm sitting there. Maybe somebody on my right, my right, somebody on my left, somebody behind me. Maybe to what the bartender saying to a patron in front of me. As I'm doing that without judgment, I'm learning to love the people that I'm listening to. Suddenly or slowly, gradually. I no longer feel like an alien separated from the room, but I feel connected to the people around me. Then maybe I'll start using my sense of sight. And as I was listening, start kind of glimpsing the people I was listening to. Again, not judging them, not saying Oh, that person has weird hair. I don't like them just looking, observing, taking them in. That's the first step. The next step would be to get up off the chair, start walking through the room, doing the exact same thing you did on the bar stool except for this time. You're carrying that experience. You're carrying your sense of sound and your sense of sight. Just observing, no judgment. No. Oh, these people are looking at me, know, Oh, these people are really cool. Are these people are not really cool or unreal? No judgment whatsoever about anything. Just observation. Judgment is our wall to reality. Once you take down the judgment, you can then enter reality and become one with the world, with the room, with the environment. So as you're walking, the other thing to do is walk extremely slowly. Now, if you're walking slow, you're not walking slowly enough. I want you to take the slowest steps possible as you walk. Because introverts went in a social situation, it gets overwhelming when you move quickly because then there's too much and you just shut down all of your senses. They're not as sensitive. But when you go slowly, you could take things in at a slower pace. Listen to them and observe them without shutting down. Slowly taking steps, and then start looking at people as you're doing it. What are you doing as you look at these people? Are you creepily know, when you look at those people and you're listening to them, I want you to have one thought in mind. I want you to feel love for the people. When you look at them, I want you to look at everybody with love. Now remember, do this slowly. You're not home. Who, who, who, who, as you're walking slow. Now, this is a weird kind of practical walk, like a duck talk like a duck. You're probably a duck type of thing. But also, I'd say spiritual teachers teach this too. As you're walking, as you're taking things in, I want you to just have a small smile on your face. And if somebody does look at you and somebody is bound to look at you because you are being present in the room. Which means that you're really evoking a loving energy. So people are bound to look at you. That's good. When somebody looks at you and you are looking at them with love, just smile and nod. Or maybe say, hi, Hi, what's up? Introduce yourself, or you don't have to, you could just keep walking. I know that you're thinking that this sounds like the creepiest thing in the world to do. I know you're thinking that, but that's because you're thinking that you're not experiencing what I'm talking about. There's something weird about what you experience on the inside, what you feel on the inside, and how that is perceived by a room. If you are walking throughout the room and staring at people, judging them. Not even like, I hate this person, but just, just looking at them and just making small, tiny judgments about them and about what they could possibly think of you. When that person looks at you, looking at them, they're gonna go, something's wrong. But if you have practiced everything I just talked about in the past ten minutes, you're slowly walking in your feeling that love and you're smiling and new NADH when somebody looks at you and as you're passing, I promise, promise, promise you guys, I've done this so much and I've taught this so, so, so much. And I've seen such great results from this meditative mingling. When people see you doing this, they're going to feel a warmth from you. They're going to feel that love from you. They're gonna feel welcomed from you. They're going to feel like you could just go talk to them right then and there. And it's going to be totally fine even though you're complete strangers, There's no reason for you to talk to them. Now you don't have to go talk to them. Remember, this could take an entire month of practicing. This can take your entire life to practice this. It's a beautiful practice. Now that could be the first night that you do this. It could just be sitting on a bar stool. The second night could be the bar stool and then the very slow walk. The third night could be the very slow walk with the bar stool saying hi to somebody, saying hi to everybody, that passes in a little nod. The night after that. You could then maybe walk up to somebody. And practice what we talked about in this course, a compliment using context, expressing yourself asking assumptive questions, showing that love. But the goal here is to practice as slowly as possible. If you feel overwhelmed for a second, you're not going slowly enough. Again, introverts need time to adjust to being in reality. We spent a lot of time up here. So to come out here and get rid of all these thoughts and just experience the moment you can present in the moment. It takes some time, it takes a lot of warming up. Now the great thing about meditative mingling is the more you do it, the more momentum you build. Let's say you do this for a month, the first day of the second month that you go to some social function, you're going to have an entire month of momentum built up social momentum. Your brain has built a bigger pathway for getting through into more of an extroverted Headspace. Being in the moment, playing with reality on a physical, on the physical realm. That pathway in your brain is gonna be so much more easy to enter because you've been spending the whole month kind of chipping away at that portal, at that pathway to go through more easily. So that momentum in the second month, it's gonna be even easier until you get to a point. And I promise you this, where you'll be able to enter any social event. And as soon as you enter, your brain, kind of just clicks and knows that feeling that you've been practicing over the past couple of months, where as soon as you go in, you just feel that love. You feel that calmness, you feel a lack of judgment onto yourself from the people that you think are judging you or could possibly judge you. And you feel a lack of judgment of yourself onto those people. And you just feel love, calmness, and being in the moment. I'm sure you've felt that before. But again, these are these times could be far and few between what we're looking to do is make your social lifestyle very efficient by cutting out all of the negative experiences that we could possibly be having by not taking the wrong paths each day, but taking that one right path. And that's what this course is all about. It's a very, very simple course, but what you're noticing is there's so much that I don't talk about. If I don't talk about it, don't do it. In terms of the structure, in terms of the social skills, in terms of the technique. Now in terms of how you approach when I'm teaching, go wild, I want you to be the most creative artists. I want you to be the Pablo Picasso of this course. But when it comes to, oh, well, Anthony said to introduce yourself in the first 30 seconds, but that sounds like wrong to me, so I'm not gonna do that. It just sounds like not cool. Just listen to me, just do what I say. You're gonna get to the point where you've practiced all of these skills so, so much that you don't have to think about anything anymore. Not what do I say? Who do I talk to? How do I act? What's my body language? How should I feel? What should I think of this person? When do I express my attraction or elevated interest in them? When do they ask them out? When do I do all of this? You're going to practice it so much and you're going to build so much momentum that it becomes automatic, it becomes second nature. You don't even think about it anymore. Now, how long do I want you to be practicing this meditative mingling? Well, each kind of little practice, period, it should be at least an hour. I don't want it to be any less than an hour because it takes a while to get our senses into the moment, get those senses really stimulated. We spend a lot of time in our head. I know I do. I spend a ton of time in my head thinking I'm on my phone a lot. Very rarely am I here in the moment. It takes a while for us to do that. Now that's at least an hour. Usually when you're out, I want you to be out for at least two hours. You're going to get so good at this meditative mingling, but it's going to almost feel like a superpower. But it's a superpower that didn't take any tricks. Or like backflips or crazy high fives and picking somebody up and spinning them around, it's going to feel like a superpower. What do I mean? You're going to literally be able to just walk, look at somebody very quickly, exchange that love that I'm talking about that engagement and just introduce yourself without anything else. Be like, Hey, I'm Anthony WhatsApp. And that person's going to feel just as comfortable talking to you as you do them. Because you are just automatically bringing that vibe of love where there's no junk and they just, I'm telling you it's, it's really feels like a superpower where you don't have to work anymore. You don't have to think about what to say. You don't even have to say many words because that feeling of engagement is so, so, so much more powerful than the most interesting words in the world. This is the power of meditative mingling, but like I said, it takes practice. Now in the final lesson, we're gonna talk about managing logistics of a room. 35. Managing Logistics: In a previous video, I talked to you about being as attentive as possible to how a person is feeling during an interaction. So you know how to better manage their emotions, your emotions, and bring the relationship to a better place. In this lesson, we're going to talk about that more on a macro level, bigger, bigger picture level. When you're in a room, a party and event. There's going to be a lot of variables that are not conducive to building relationships, connecting with people. Things are going to be loud. There's gonna be allowed person next to you, some maybe drunk person is falling over you. There's going to be high traffic in certain areas. Also, when you talk to a group, maybe it's not the right time to be talking to that group. Maybe you need to come back later, or maybe there's specific intimate dynamics within that group that you don't yet know about. This goes back to leading, knowing how to manage relationships. Being a leader in each conversation, why most people are not going to lead the conversation for you? They're not going to tell you about these little variables that are gonna pop up. They just, people are not trained to do that. But you are a great conversationalist. You take it as your responsibility to find the right relationships for you in your life. And in order to do that, you have to get purposeful and you have to get strategic. You can't just go. I hope some of them happens to note, let me go in and see what happens. So while one side of you is having a bunch of fun expressing yourself, having an amazing time, building chemistry and attraction with the people that you're meeting their needs to be in the back of your head, not the forefront, just the back. Getting an idea of what's going on in this relationship, in the group dynamic and in the room itself, and how you can best manage the variables that are there that you found and how to get those variables out of the way or use them to your advantage in order to get into the right relationships. So as you've probably experienced before, a lot of issues could come up in this kind of social event that you're at. So here's some examples that could likely happened to you at a social event. What if you're at a party talking to a new attractive person? And after 15 minutes of connecting, you learn that person's partner is actually at the bar talking to their friends. You didn't know that. What if the conversation is great, but you're standing next to the DJ speaker and can't hear a thing or your standing, like I said, in a high traffic area, what if somebody is out with their work buddies, including their boss and just doesn't want to flirt with you out of fear of judgment or it doesn't even have to be like a romantic dynamic. But if you're making friends with somebody, but you didn't realize that they were out to celebrate something great that happened at work that day and they want to just hang out with their work friends. What if you knew friend lives in a different country or a different city? What if your new friend feels uncomfortable talking to you so far away from their group of friends. What if your new friend is just finishing up the event while you're just getting started. See, these are all different variables that can muck up your potential for getting into a great relationship, finding chemistry with somebody. How do you manage these logistics? How do you manage these variables? The first thing you need to do is constantly be gathering information by asking questions, asking logistical questions. Now, this is the time where it's good to ask logistical questions so you can manage the relationship. So the most common question that I ask people when I meet them at some social event that I've never met these people before. As I asked, Who are you here with? Why? I want to know that dynamic of their party, of their group. Who knows the person I could be talking to, could be the boss of a work group that went out after work that night. And I'm making friends with the boss. And it could be making the boss feel uncomfortable or something because this boss is usually feeling like kind of the leader in the group. And I'm making this person feel very vulnerable and express themselves in a way that the employees have never seen before and that can make that person feel uncomfortable. So I want to know that dynamic. Or if you're flirting with somebody, like I said before, you can be talking to somebody new and getting along and didn't know that their boyfriend or girlfriend or non-binary partner is few feet away. You don't know. Who are you here with? Ask. Maybe maybe you're flirting with somebody and their sibling is right there. And there are very overprotective sibling, you don't know. Maybe their parents are there. You know, on getting drinks at the bar for the group of friends. We don't know. You want to gather information. The best question is, who are you here with and really get to know now if they're pointing out oh, oh yeah, My brothers over there. And maybe the brother looks way VAE, What's up, man, let them know that you're a friendly person, that you're not there to do anything creepy. Another question I asked all the time is, how do you know each other? Because maybe they just said, Oh yeah, this is my friend, this is my friend. But when you get to figure out what their actual relationship dynamic is, what is the context of their relationship? You get a deeper understanding of how to interact with the group. Maybe it's an overprotective best friend. We don't know. Maybe it's friends that haven't seen each other for years and it's kind of awkward to starting a conversation, entering a group with people that want to kind of catch up, friends that are trying to catch up, that haven't seen each other in years, maybe their old college buddies and you're chatting with them. But you realize that, you know, they want to catch up with each other. So instead of staying there and kind of being the third wheel in that group, even though they like to, or just leaving and saying, sorry. Why do you say, oh, it's awesome meeting you. I want to let you guys catch up, but we should totally get together some time. What's your Instagram? Then you could leave early. You don't make it awkward. You don't make them feel uncomfortable, but you still made a new friend. This is managing logistics, managing the relationships. Now remember, it's easy to get into tunnel vision when you're having a good time and socializing. I know once I finally get that momentum, once I finally like feel in social mode and I'm having a fun time, I tend to forget what the heck is going on around me. And that's why I always got to keep reminding myself in the back of my head. Okay. What's going on? Where are you? Are you making sure that there's harmony within the room, within your group, within this conversation. Constantly keeping an eye on everyone around me. I'm keeping ultra attentive to how the person in front of me is feeling. If they're doing side glances, if they're feeling a little uncomfortable, if they're having that frozen smile on their face. Maybe they drink too much and they're kind of falling on me and their friends are glancing at me. All of these things I want to keep in mind. I want to be managing these variables and how I could get them out of the way, fix them, use them to my advantage. For instance, maybe you are talking to somebody and it's going really well, but the music is so, so, so loud next to you guys. That person is just not going to feel as excited to interact with you when there's an outside variable that is runing the interaction, the connection. Instead of just standing there and going, let me just get a phone number and get the heck out of here. Why don't you say, you know, it's kind of loud over here, why don't we go over to the bar where it's quieter and we could talk more. Or if you are chatting with somebody that you're really attracted to and you found out that her brother is over at the table with their friends, you could either go, Oh, that's the brother. Okay, I feel awkward, I'm gonna leave. Or how do we use this to our advantage? So let me go over there. Let me meet your brother. He seems really cool. Go over, show them that you're a good person. Now you are part of the group. And now if that brother likes you, he's going to feel a lot more comfortable with you talking to his sister, little brother, whatever, whatever it is, non-binary sibling. But what does matter is that you're constantly aware and then managing those variables to your advantage. 36. Finishing Up: We finally got through the conversation class. This is the type of class that you're gonna be able to refer to over and over again as time goes on. It's not that type of thing where you need to just read once and say, Oh, I get it. You want to study what were worked on in this class. If you think about like what was threatening again, how did that work? You can go right back to it. Maybe you forgot how to work a room and you wanted to remember what was funnel like? What was the exact thing? Was it 30 minutes or 45 minutes? Because I want to make sure that I'm at this event for exactly two hours and 15 minute. This course is about 20 years of my life, guys. I really spent the last 20 years of my life obsessing over conversation and social skills. And so much of it is in here. That's why I'm so glad to finally be able to put this together in one cohesive course. Now if this is the first time you've ever seen anything from me. My name is Anthony. Hello. As I said, I'm a social and relationship coach and I have some channels on YouTube. So if you're interested in that, I'm sure there's links somewhere on this page where you can click and find out more about that. If you're interested in coaching, you can go to my website at rest and yellow.com also, this is my first course, so I don't have any courses at this time of while I'm recording. But you never know, maybe time has passed and I've made more courses, so click my name above. I think that's where it is. And see if I have more courses by I plan on making a bunch of courses with Skillshare. I really like Skillshare. So check above or below or somewhere. Just check my page and see if I have any other courses that you could watch on relationships and social skills, but that's it. I want to thank you so much for getting through this whole course with me. This is stuff I'm so passionate about and I hope you become just as passionate about it as I am. And I also hope that you love this journey and loved this process of learning and improving your social skills in your relationship skills that I have throughout my entire life. It's a beautiful art and it's something that I'm gonna be continually learning and improving on throughout my life. I don't know everything. I still wake up every day and feel like a student of social skills to me, it is a lifelong practice, as well as what I called meditative mingling and practicing engagement. Those are the biggest most important parts of socializing. Being present, actively present with another person is the 90% of IT guys. All this talking, you know how to talk. You note that adds context and richness to a conversation, to a connection. But if you have love emanating from you towards the person in front of you. And you're showing that to them just through your look and just how you listen and just how attentive you are to that person, showing full respect and acknowledgment of their existence and acknowledging the shared human experience that you guys have together. That is so much of relationship-building. And if you could master that, you're already 90% there. Alright, thanks so much for watching.