60 Minutes To Self Esteem: The Confidence Crash Course

1. What 60 Minutes To Self Esteem The Confidence Crash Course is all about: So this course is broken down into three components. The principles, the problems and the practice. So when we look at these three things, this is how we're going to kind of break down this course. The principles is really going to talk about what confidence is. And some you know what to expect with this. What are the principles behind confidence? House confidence actually earned. How is it actually gained? You know, what can you do? What can't you do, right? What works? What doesn't. We're gonna talk a little bit about that. But we're gonna really dive into the problems when I talk about problems. I'm talking about very particular things, right? How do you be yourself around new people? How do you deal with confrontation? How do you go and ask that person out on a date? What do you say on that data? You know what? If I run out of things to say all those typical problems, I'm gonna jump into some of the top ones that I hear with all my clients and we're going to break down each one of these things and give you kind of a pragmatic view of how to approach this. Now The last part is the practice component. Now this is your homework for the course. So while the principles and problems air there to help give you awareness and education on the topic, the practice component actually helps you apply the information you've learned with some powerful tools. One of those being the guided self esteem programming audio. So this is something to listen to while you're alone, and it's designed to immediately give you a transformational experience. So I'm excited. Get started with you in this course. Welcome to 60 Minutes to self esteem the confidence crash course, Let's get started. 2. Principle 1: The Secret Of People With High Confidence & Self Esteem : all right. The first principle is that confidence is a state. It's a state you get into, right? Really Think about this. There are times when you're confident in times or you're not. And one of the biggest things that people don't realize is that, you know, when you think of a naturally confident person, they're not always like that. Their majority the time they might be like that. And they might when you see them there like that, right, Because they have a state that they get into when they socialize. And that's when you're seeing them, right? But maybe throw that person on the Ted stage, right, make him do a big public speak or something like that. Or maybe you put that person and you know something where they're not skilled, right? Like maybe they don't have, You know, they don't know how to cook. I don't know how to cook, Right? So it's one of the things like you throw me the kitchen. I'm not a confident guy, right. It's states we get into. And so this is what I want you to understand is that confidence is a state that you access , and then that you habituate. So really start to see this as a sport. Psychology in a certain sense, right? The same way that an athlete would get ready for a performance where you know, they might listen to the right music. Or they might eat the right there the same thing, something before competition. Or they went thinking, visualize certain things before they get out there in the same sense. Before you do anything that you are going to be pushing yourself, you don't you just all the time, but where you're pushing your comfort zone, any time I'm gonna do that, this is what you want to do. You want to prep your brain into a particular state, where you you're able to perform in a certain sense of it, right, or really have access to the best type of thinking. Now, this is the first principle. It's that confidence. Self esteem is a state. It's kind of how you view yourself right, but it's a state we work ourselves into Now, once we work ourselves into this enough, then it habituate, and then it becomes just kind of who we are. We don't have to do it all the time But when we're making change, we got access. This, like an athlete would prepare for a you know, competition or something, right, so 3. Principle 2: The Nature Of Confidence & Self Esteem : The second principle is understanding that because this is a state access thing, that what we need to do is we need to habituate. And like I said, we habituate this until it becomes us right. What this really is is recognized. That confidence is either growing or is dying right. It's either increasing or diminishing. It's moving in a particular direction, right? It is a Momenta. And so what we want to do is we kind of want to turn the wheels a bit. So if you're going one way on, the first little bit is hard, and then we get the momentum going, and then your confidence grows. I know that's a little bit more theoretical, but understand, that is one of the principles is that as you start to take tons of action as you start to really put your focus onto this one topic in life, you're going to flying that maybe at first a little harder. But then very quickly it starts to compound. You find other areas your life, it really starts to pick up in, right. So maybe you want to just toe, you know, learn how to talk to the opposite sex or something, right? Or maybe you wanted Teoh public Speak, whatever your issue was. When you focus on that one topic for a little while and you start to get some results, it starts to translate into other areas. Right? So there's a transference that's actually happening. And so when we talk about how a person comes Overall really confident, it happens through mo mentum, it happens through consistently focusing on this one area of life until you start to get results, and then those results air to leak into all other areas. Right? So, like I said, he might have come here for dating. But then you found out it helped you in your professional careers. Well, right, so, you know, you learn just to talk to that guy or girl and then, you know, you're like a I can actually go in social networking stuff. It's social events, same gig, right? This is My point is that this stuff is very transferrable, but we want to get that momentum moving in a new direction. So we're gonna change that momentum in this course. Let's go on to the next principal 4. Principle 3: The Truth About How To Actually Grow Confidence & Self Esteem : no one is born confident. No one I know right now, as soon as I say that you're kind of like, Well, I know people have always been confident. Let me tell you something. Confidence is actually conditioned in. It's conditioned in. It's not something you're born with. Now I have to tell you something that a little bit of a caveat to that. People who have always been confident just had early age conditioning that promoted kind of a momentum of confidence building. So what that means, essentially, is that when they were young, they had a lot of positive reinforcement, tons of positive experiences in the frame, things in the right way, or however their parents raised them, or however their circumstances were. It kind of set the ball rolling toe have a lot of confidence now. It doesn't mean that people who are unconfident have bad parents. I'm not saying that I'm just saying that the way that that individual experienced the world , which is very subjective, triggered a certain type of momentum, and so a lot of times you'll find the constant people get more and more confident and on confident people get more and more confident 5. Principle 4: The Most Important Thing To Know When Building Confidence & Self Esteem: Now you probably know that this is a social issue. This is really the relationship you have with yourself. The relationship you have with others and the relationship you have with society, right? Your perceptions about the world. If we want to start making changes in that, we have to understand that we have to take a social approach. And what does that mean? Well, it essentially means you got to stick your neck out little. You gotta stick your neck out just a little bit. You know, lean into your fears, if you will, right? And it's when we lean into our fears and we push past or discomfort. That's where growth is made. If you actually a bodybuilding, for example, right, you can see that when the majority of muscles built, it's actually in those last little reps. We like Evan, you're about to, like, lose the whole thing right in that resistance that, like, uh, that tension the hardest part, that's where you start to make growth. And it's no different for your mind when we start to push past our comfort zone when we start to lean into. Our fears were not falling into our fears like I give up? No, no, it's just, like kind of leaning over the edge were like, Okay, all right. And you're feeling that fear when you're feeling that you are growing. So make that association. That is a core principle. When you feel fear by your choice and you experience it and you live with it, you are growing. So as you lean into your fears, that's what's gonna make you feel like you're developing. And I know it seems counterproductive, right? Cause a lot of times you're like, Well, I've been scared before and, you know, just made issue worse. But the truth of it is is that when we do it with the particular context, when we do with the context of, like, I'm actively searching this stuff out, are actively pushing my boundaries, my comfort zone, stuff like that when we're doing it with that context, it changes the way that sensation means to us right when we place a new context, new meaning to it, because now, by experiencing that very same thing, it's not like this shit has happened to me. But rather I'm doing this to myself so I could grow and I know it might seem like Well, okay, you just like kind of re framing you, just putting new label on it. But this is really the difference between, you know, simply is like I like this person or I don't like this person or I like this thing. And I don't like this thing. The thing that makes you like or dislike things. The thing that makes things anything is the meaning. Replaced with the story we tell about what it ISS. And so when we start to control that when we start to preemptively decide, what does that mean? That's where we make growth. So experience fear on your terms. Experience it by your will because you're going in and you're forcing it to having pushing your comfort zone. And as you do that, you're gonna start to grow. 6. Principle 5: The Simple Pattern That Unlocks Confidence & Self Esteem In You: a core principle to remember is that when it comes down to confidence, actions come first feelings come second. All right, So at first you behave confidently and then later you feel confident, Lee. So the behaviors come first and the feelings follow suit. This is very important to know, because when you feel little anxious or when you feel little, you know, like introverted or your kind of feeling shy or feel more depressed. Just remember act anyways, go ahead and act confident anyways, and then your feelings will follow suit. So just go and overwhelm your thinking. Mind with action. This is super important thing about this right now. The only way to stop overthinking to get down here on your on your over thinking and you're over analyzing. What are they thinking about me? I can Why am I always like that? I'm always like so fuckin Shaiken ever talk to people and being so weird, people notice how weird I am instead of trying toe fight your thoughts there instead of trying toe, you know, make sense of this. Stop and overwhelm yourself with action. Just go and talk to a new person and go talk to another person. Then go talk to another person and keep doing this over and over and over. Keep taking action and through action you will actually gradually overwhelm your mind. It's like there's too much things going on that you don't have time to think like that. You just go ahead and you take action as you do that you're going to overwhelm your thinking. Mind overwhelmed the overthinking over analyzing, and you're going to put yourself in a better mood. Actions First, emotions second, remember, this is a core principle. 7. Problem How To Build A Social Life Even If You Dont Like The Bar Or Nightclub Scene: so one of the things you could do immediately right now is get on to meet up dot com. Meet up dot com is like an online counter of all the different events happening in your city. This is super important to get into, because this is where you're going to find people that share your interests. See, a lot of times we just like when we think of like, how do we meet new people? It's like Go to the bar goto the nightclubs do the night life thing and while you can definitely meet people, your actual just meeting a certain type of people there's obviously situations where, like someone getting dragged to a birthday and they have the same interests view and there's that sort of thing. But realistically, if you want to take active control of your social life, don't just leave it to the nightlife. Going joined different groups go and join a Toastmasters, for example, go and join different meet up groups going join different interest groups where you can find people that have the same interests as yourself, and this is going really, really change your social life because this is really where you start to meet new people and you learn to socialize. I'm not saying, you know, like everyone you meet, but what I am saying is that this is really how you go about being more social. It's learning to throw yourself into a new environment and then from there, adapt. And it's a skill like anything else. It's a skill you can change and we'll party might be like knowing Shy I'm anxious or I'm introverted. Are all these different things scrapped that okay, all these things could be changed. Yes, introversion to There's a theory in psychology that states that everyone starts off as extroverted, and then they become introverted through childhood issues and stuff like that. I'm not saying that all introverted people have issues, right, but understand that you definitely can change this. I was an introvert for the majority of my life, and still part of me is like an introvert. When we talk about it on energy sensor, it's like I only have so much energy to go out and be social. But here things I can do this and I can change this and I have changed it. Where I am now, more of an extrovert. I kind of have the benefits of both, and you could well round yourself in that sense of it. So I encourage you to do that, understand the flexibility of your psychology and your identity and your personality. All these things you can shift and change. The really just self image is self concepts, so I'll save that for a different lecture. That's the more theory stuff. But sign up for me to dot com. Go and find out the local party is local events in your area on Facebook as well. Go and find people of similar interests and start socializing. Okay, go ahead and do that. That you're gonna find is absolutely powerful. Especially don't like the nightclub scene. The meat of dot com is really good for that. So go ahead, check that out. I'll see you the next lecture 8. How To Handle Anxiety In Any Moment, Just Remember These 3 Things: So this course is focused very much on self esteem and confidence. But when you're doing this, when you're taking some action, you might find yourself having some anxiety. So I want to briefly touch on that and give you a quick, easy to remember thing, right? It's called stop dropping role. And if you've ever done any of my other programs, you've probably heard about this as well, right? So when you're on fire, what do you do? You stop, drop and roll, right? While in the same regards. When you're feeling anxious, what do you do? You stop the thought, You drop the emotion and you roll with the behavior. All right, So when you're feeling anxious, just go ahead and act anyways, right? One of the best ways to get out of your head Get out of that over thinking that like Oh, God, people seeing me and what I'm looking weird right now and oh, my God, why can I never be normal? The union union that over thinking that over analyzing all that sort of thing, one of the very best things to do to get out of that is to overwhelm your mind with action , right When you overwhelm your mind with stimulus, when you go and you're like at a party and instead of just like a just going talk to the first person and they would talk to another person, they will talk to somebody don't know and they go talk to that person, that person. And as you just start over acting when you start going and taking so much action, what ends up happening is that you overwhelm your ability, Teoh. Think like that and you just let go. And from there, when you let go, you actually build up. You know your emotion, you build up your state and think about that, right? If you have been on a roll, have you ever had that sense? When you're just like man, like I'm on fire right now, where did that come from? You might have said something like, uh, I'm not usually that smart. You just pours out. Or maybe you're just like in a really good mood. You out with a bunch of friends and now you're feeling much more social. You could walk to, you know, talk to strangers. You could go on approach. You know, somebody find attractive, whatever it is, right? Same thing goes right. It's really just that you've taken tons of action, lots of stimulus is coming in. And when you're reacting and you're taking action to it, then you're states increasing. You're in a high emotion. You're in a high peak state, and from there you have access to a different type of thinking. And that different type of thinking is that it's very positive based, right? So when we talk about this, I know this is kind of theoretical, but I want you to understand that in order to get out of over thinking, you've got to stop the thought, drop the emotion and roll with behavior. Right? So here's how it works. Typically speaking, most people, when they're feeling anxious, right, are feeling stifled or some sort of thing like this. They're like overthinking the action. So let me give an example, right. You Maybe you found someone attractive or you see someone that you want to ask for the number, get into a conversation like a coffee shop, right? And as you see them, you just like okay, they're pretty cute. And now you're like, Oh, they're on the phone. Well, I kind of want, like, ask for the number, but, like, I don't Maybe they're dating someone. You're looking for a ring or something like I don't want weird, although probably with their friends, their busy on like you're now thinking about it. I'll just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Come on. Don't be a bitch, bitch. Just going. Do it right. Whatever it is. And you're thinking in your head and all those negative thoughts are coming up, you'll notice then if you try and go backwards by overthinking, it never makes it better, Does it ever just picked one time when you're able to think your way out of it? No way. The only thing you ever do with thinking is you rationalize not taking action. That's all you've ever done, right? You're like, Oh, they look busy or I could, you know, they're not even that attractive or whatever excuse You make up. It's usually just did not take action. But here's the kicker, right? You've got to recognize that there's a particular pattern. It goes thoughts, emotions and behaviors, right, and in particular cycle. So your thoughts then trigger an emotion And then those emotions dictate your behaviors, and those behaviors dictate more thoughts. So when we look at this, that's the natural pattern of the mind. And if you can acknowledge this, that that's how your mind functions, just go with the regular flow of this. Don't fight it. Don't you know if you see that person you want to ask out on a date and you're just like you have no reason to be anxious? You have no reason. Like you know you're confident guy. You're doing this. You can go and talk to them. You're just normal guy. Just striking a couple conversation. You're thinking all sorts of stuff like this. Well, never makes it better, does it? The more you waited out, the more you think it actually just makes the emotion gets stronger. It's like, get up, get that initial, you know, awareness of the person you want to ask out and you like. But it goes into the emotion and emotion is anxiety at first, Probably no doubt right talking to a stranger who does that. You do. Hopefully now, right, well, here's the K. So you get the emotion, and then at that point you then triangle backwards and be like No, no, you have no reason to be anxious. You have no reason. Toe do this. You're confident, guy. I've been working on yourself watching all these YouTube videos. No. Now, young, young, young doesn't work, right. It just you go backwards and the natural pattern happens to get mawr interests. And you're like, No, no, no, we don't have to do this. You want just go up to say hey, just just go and see. Hey, how's it going? What should I say? That's not cool. Even Maura. Maura, anxiety, right? It's just cranking on top and then eventually ends up happening. You rationalize not taking action or you beat yourself up, right? Just like frickin lose. Why couldn't you do it right instead of this? Just take my advice on this and go with action so immediately you get a trigger you get something makes you nervous. Don't think at immediately. Go stop. The thought dropped the emotion. Just drop it. Yeah. Feeling anxious? Go with it anyways. Right. So go immediately. You have the emotion. Okay. Whatever. I'm feeling nervous. And then don't even think about what to say. Don't even worry about it. Just go in and just say hi. Just start the conversation, OK? And when you do that, just understand that you're like you're just rolling with the behavior. Just do it anyways and trust in yourself. I know part of like, I'm gonna look like an idiot. I'm gonna freeze up. You want to say this night like there's no way in hell I'm doing that. But if you go ahead and do that with the context in mind that as you're doing this, you're improving yourself if you're the type of person that can take action if you're the type person that can talk to a stranger and go approach, you know new people and be themselves in a new social environment. If you could be that social person, man, you're already ahead of everyone else. You're doing something that 99% of people can't do. Just the fact that you taking action already makes you one of the crazies that get results in life that people look to him like man, I wish I could be as confident as them. Trust me on this, all it takes is just taking action. You just got to do that, Okay? You can't just watch me. You gotta do it. So remember that Stop, drop and roll, right? Stop The thought role with the behavior will stop. Thought. Drop the motion role behavior. So glad do that. I'll see in the next lecture. 9. Problem How To Break Down Negative Self Talk To Unleash Our Confidence & Self Esteem : So we're gonna talk about something very particular here, and it's called the limitations of your mind. Now, what I mean by the limitations of your mind is that we give ourselves a lot of credit. We get way, give ourselves tons of credit. You know, whenever we see something in the distance, we go like Oh, yeah, that means this realistically, if you look at your thoughts, if you look at the generalisations that you're making, especially when you're anxious or nervous or shy, you'll notice a couple trends. First, that they're often generalizations, right? It's like all people think this way or all people are like that or I'm always like this or , you know, why do I have to continually do this every time? Right. We make generalizations always every time. Everyone large picture generalizations when in reality that's not accurate. What we're really doing when we have a thought about how the world is, is we're projecting our feelings on to reality. We're really having our feelings be converted into what we perceive and, well, how we react with world when in actuality, pragmatically speaking, that's not accurate. It feels accurate, but it's not accurate, accurately we know that we don't know. We have no idea what that person's going through, what that person's thinking or what you know. Other people are judging your going on like we might be like, Oh, my God, they're looking at me. Oh, they're judging me right now what I want And I said, why am I? So we're do have something on my face. We're going through all these different things when in reality, they're probably just like what we're gonna get to What am I gonna do? They're not thinking about us. We don't know what they're thinking about. They might be thinking about us, but either way we don't know. All we know is that we are projecting something. They could even be staring at us like we don't know if we look like you know their ex or something like that. We don't know what they're going through, What you know, Maybe their dog died that day. We don't know what a person's going through and you'll notice this, especially now it's unrelated, but someone cuts you off in traffic, right? What a hassle. Now let's change. Imagine it's persons like really wanted this job right and you know they have to provide for the kids and stuff. And they needed this job's about their late for the interview. Changes it a bit right now is just not this, like Dick, who just cut you off in traffic and said It's a father trying to provide right His mother trying provide for kids changes how we experience it, right? Well, that's my point. Either way, we don't know what's going on. So just question. What we see is reality. Question the limitations of your knowledge. Constantly be looking at your generalizations at your assumptions that what you think you know about the world, what you think you know about others. And if it doesn't serve you, if it's not beneficial, cut it out. Because here's the truth. You're gonna make up a rationalization. Regardless, your mind is a meaning making machine, and it's gonna do this whether you like it or not. It's just a default to the human experience, but we know it's gonna do it now, so we might as well have a do it effectively. So I want you to go ahead and really start to hand pick what works when a person looks at you Just go. Oh, yeah, They're checking me out, right? I know it's lying. I know in some sense you're kind of bullshitting yourself, but go ahead and do that. And we do this because we're gonna do it anyway, so we might as well do it effectively. Just recognize is very difficult to have a completely objective reality, which means very, very true truth form reality. Everything's very subjective. It's very wishy washy, right? We see it in our lens, another person season, another lens. It's very much like that. So you're going to make stories up anyways, you might as well make them good ones. 10. Problem How To Be Comfortable Being Yourself Around New People & Being The Life Of The Party With : Ah, lot of people judge people, and I think a lot of the times we really look at other people were like, Oh, yeah, and if it's thick and because we do that, we kind of feel like other people are doing that to us as well. And to some degree, that is happening. I'm sure it is. But I want you to be self for you to stop worrying about other people and just focus on yourself. Focus on increasing your state. Focus on you, bringing a positive mood of positive energy, a good, positive, heightened state and then transferring that state to other people. Right? So come from a frame where you are self generating, positive emotions. I know that's a pretty wordy term, but hear me out self generating, positive emotions. You want to become self amused. You want to do things that make you happy that make you laugh that make you entertained. When you learn to self entertain yourself. When you start to amuse yourself, things become a lot easier because what you end up doing is you're like, I don't worry, I got me and you're focused on what you can bring to the table, your focus on you just having a good time, you doing your thing? And then at that point, that sort of energy really transfers to other people. Let me give an example. You probably walked in a room and, you know, maybe you heard a bunch of strangers all laughing, and you're like, Oh, yeah, it's going on over there. And you kind of wanted to immediately be part of the fun, right? Well, this is because positivity draws people towards it. Positivity is confidence, a certain sense of it, right? When someone is confident there, most likely positive as well and most likely energetic and, ah, high state. Or they have a certain calmness to them, this sort of thing, where they're more approachable. It's because they're showing more themselves, right there, doing them there, entertaining them. They're making jokes not to make other people laugh, but because they find it funny. This is also extremely attractive trade in terms of dating, but we'll talk in that a little bit more later. 11. How To Handle "Haters", Negative Opinions And Bullies While Maintaining Confidence & Self Esteem: so you cannot trust your mind. Your mind is gonna play tricks on you. And what do I mean by this? Well, our minds make generalizations about the world, so we take a small amount of data and then we magnify it, and we projected onto the world. Now what does this mean? Essentially, it's like this. If one person doesn't think highly of you, you have a tendency to probably assume that everyone doesn't think highly of you. So maybe one person's angry at you, and then you, like, everyone's angry at me right now like nothing's going right. Maybe even two or three people are angry at you. They're all friends. And, like, yeah, we don't let that person right, Whatever it is, then we assume that everyone thinks that way around us, when in reality, it's so not like that. It's just that we're projecting this were only able to take so much data, only able to take a little bit of information. And when we get a little bit information, we then generalize on that information and we make a reality that matches that. And so I'll give you another example, right? Maybe someone's been like Hey, you know, someone so likes you Write something someone has a crush on. You are someone's like, Oh, yeah. I really like this thing. You did right. Are you very good at that? Then at that point, we you the same thing, right? We go and say, Oh, yeah. You know, like, I'm so good at this. I'm always I've always been good at this, right? Everyone thinks I'm really good at this. And you tell your friends like, Yeah, I'm actually pretty good at this. Everyone thinks so. Whatever it is, right, we do this process right where we go and we take small amounts of data and we magnify, We blow it up, and we make a generalization about it. The trick is recognizing that you do this now, at first it starts with just understanding that we're doing this and to disregard the negative. So you get some negative feedback and get a rejection. You get some sort of, you know, you fail. It's something, whatever it is. And you take that data and you just discard it. You go like, OK, my brain's gonna think that everyone feels this way and it's gonna make up you know justifications as to why that's accurate when? Well, you know logically now and you're where That's not the case, OK? It's just a trick that your brain is playing on you and your mind is playing on you. Sorry. So what we want to do is to start is on Lee make positive ones overarching. Li, like the big broad scope of this is we actually don't want to be affected by any of this. We actually don't want to be affected by good or bad. We want to have the awareness where we can step back and recognize that this is a process. Our you know, our mind. It's something that we do with the information we get. We make generalizations good and bad, and when we recognize that we're doing this anyways, it kind of allows us to really step back. And when we step back, what are we really doing? At that point, we are allowing for us to make the generalisations were allowing for us to be like, Well, I don't take the data and I don't take the data, the good or the bad data. I select the data, and when you do that when you're able to select the data yourself, you then you start to pull out that data from your environment. It's called the particular activation system, and how it works is that when something is relevant to your brain, it picks it out of its environment. Think of a friend who might have a red Mini Cooper, for example. Well, that friend who has the Red Mini Cooper they just got. It's a brand new car, right? And you probably noticed this car everywhere. You notice it. You know when you're driving around, you know the Red Mini Cooper. There's a blue Mini Cooper, right? There's another Red Mini Cooper. The truth is that it's not that those cars weren't there to begin with. It's just that now that you're noticing it, this is a process of the particular activation system. It's that you're getting so much data that you gotta delete some of it, and the stuff that sticks is the stuff that's relevant, and that's the stuff that you've brought into your focus. So this is how that works. I want you to understand that this is very important as to how you get your data right how you make your conclusions about who you are. But when you can step away from this when you can recognize that you know this process is an accurate, it's not an accurate representation of anything other than these made up beliefs ideas about the world. When you can recognize you're gonna do this regardless, you can kind of step back and you can then start to select the stuff you actually want to believe about yourself. You really, almost in a certain sense, engineer your own identity and psychology, and you're like, No, on this type of way. Yeah, I'm like this. That's one of the fastest way to make change is to step back from the false data that receiving and then from there, going select draw right out who you are and then have that play into the particular activation system. So it's like, Oh, I am this way. I am that way Well, that person thought this way of me. That person said this about me, and we started make generalizations in the positive direction that's that Momenta mom principle were talking about earlier. So use this to your advantage. We'll see in the next lecture 12. How To Have Confidence Asking For A Raise Or For The Sale: All right. I want to talk to you about asking for a race. This is something that really, really gives a lot of people tons of anxiety. And I want to talk to you about why gives anxiety. One of the reasons that people feel very anxious about asking for a raise or going up to the boss and being like wanting promotion or something is because they don't feel they're worth it. I want you to understand that. That's a huge component that's playing to this, right? You're like I should ask my boss. I should ask my boss. You're even staying in late. May be. And the boss is coming in. He's closing up, and you're like, Oh, he's OK. I was going. No, you're working hard. Cool. Yeah. And it's just one of those things you like. I should say something. I should say something, but you just don't. I want to talk about that right now. Okay? I want you to understand that the best way to ask for raises be prepared. There's an old saying. It says, Build your well before you're thirsty. All right. When you build your well when you work hard When you offer tons of value, then you're not gonna have a problem drinking from the well or asking for the race when you do the work beforehand, When it comes time to ask for the raise, it should be very obvious that you're asking for a raise. And the reason is is that you should be coming from a place where it's very obvious that you need a raise or you're gonna go off somewhere else. One of the best ways to do this is to know where you stand in a market start to really look at what other people who are doing what you're doing are making look at other job opportunities, don't even apply for other jobs. Don't just get a good sense of your value in the market and then making a choice based off of that. See, when you know your market value, then you're able to go up to your boss. Be like Okay, you know, I do this, I do this, I do this. You know, I I know these with my responsibilities. This is what I'm doing now. I'm doing all these extra things, You know, I was I really I want to re evaluate like what I'm getting paid here. And even if that seems like an awkward conversation have you can reframe it in a different way. You can actually come at it with one of these sort of frames. I want more responsibility. I want to take on more. I want more challenge. What can you throw on me? Give me something I engage with. You can go to your boss and say, Hey, I'm ready for some more responsibility. Like put me in something to challenge me. Give me Give me something that I can work with your right. If you come from that frame, if you go from a frame of like, Hey, I want Teoh. I wanna provide more value to you. How can I make more of my job? You're out. Can I, you know, help solve some problems. That's a great frame to come from. If you come from a frame of what can I give? Or here's the value I'm offering. Then your boss always have no option to not promote you. He'll have to promote you at that point because it's like he'll recognize that you're indispensable when you get to this place where indispensable when you're solving the problems of your boss. When you're coming up with ideas for your boss, you're doing trainings. You know whether you're learning online and you're doing research outside of work to solve problems that your boss has. When you're doing that sort of thing, he's going to promote you or she's gonna promote you when this happens. That's how you become indispensable when you know your market value. When you bring a lot to the table, you can ask for a lot. When you don't have that, you're having a low self esteem. Now here's the problem a lot of people have. They're doing a lot. They're bringing a lot there, way over work. They're doing so so much and they're still afraid. Ask found. They're still afraid to ask for more value from their box. They're still afraid. Ask for that promotion. This is where we have another problem. This is where you need to get really real honest about your market value. That's why I said, Go and find out what other people are making in your field, don't want, find competitors and what they're willing to pay going, really assess these sort of things. Four. That you have a framer because when you're just using your own judgment when you're sitting there like Oh, yeah, like you know, this is what I'm worth or not worth this. This is this. It's too subjective. It's too wishy washy. We need objectivity, meet facts. So go on, get those facts. That's when the first things you can possibly do and knowing a market value and having the confidence So go ahead and do that second thing to take away reframe. Like I said, Come at it with a place of like, Hey, I want more responsibility. I want engage more. How can I solve some of your problems right now? Come from a place of giving more value. 13. How To Not Run Out Of Things To Say & Build A Connection When With Someone New: Alright, guys. So let's talk about running out of things to say or coming off a little weird or having that weird, stifled feeling while they're your meeting new people or it on a date or something. Okay, when you're talking to new people or a new person, you're probably in an interview mode. And what that means is that you're just asking them questions. You're like, Oh, what do you do for a living? How old are you? You know, what do you like to do for fun? Where have you travelled anything like this? You're asking questions. I really wanted to think about this, though. That's not how you get to know someone. I know. It's pretty typical is what you normally just gonna here is like, you know, just ask them about Just get to know them, Doctor. But realistically, when you think about how you know someone like truly think about a good friend of yours or family member, how do you know them? It's not because you know the fax. It's not because, you know, like where they went to school, what they do for a living on these things. You might know those things but that's not them. The way that you truly know someone is in the way that they interact with you the way that you guys vibe. When you make a joke, they know how to respond the way they have a type of humor. That's the same level. Offensiveness is yours, or it is weird. Is yours, right? Okay at this person, Pretty cool. You'll even notice you might make a joke. That's a little out there, right? And the person, like burst out laughing and you're like, OK, other cool right when we know person when we feel like we got a good sense of its when we know how they react, it's when we know how we vibe with the person is not the fax. So if you treat want to get to know someone, whether that be a new person that you're just meeting on a date or something like this or a group of new people go into a different mode, don't go into the interview remote, go into the friend mode, go into getting to genuinely know them and really think about this. When you have your close friends. When you have your family, you don't talk to them in an interview mode. Sometimes we're like, Oh, yeah? Did you do this? Is this? But realistically, what you do when you're with your closest friends is you tell stories. So be a storyteller, not an interviewer. 14. Problem How To Demonstrate Confidence, Enhance Persuasion, Attraction & Respect When Talking With : so I want to talk to you about the importance of tonality. Atonality really demonstrates self esteem and confidence, and the reason it does this is because of how we automatically react with the tones we use when we're in different social situations. There's three different tone allergies, and this is the best way to understand it. There's trying for report tonalities trying to report, and that's in a high pitched voice. So that would be like if I was like, Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome to the confidence program. And, uh, hey, I hope you know, hope you really like it. Data or hi. Welcome to the bank. How can I help you or, you know, just like Hi. My name is Justin. Uh, you know, it's nice to meet you. You're talking in a higher pitched tone, right? You're trying to have a poor ah, lot of salesman's do this. A lot of like people just at their jobs do this, you know, it's kind of like Imagine someone who has a shitty job and they're just like, Hi. Welcome to store, right. And you're like, you know, you're not always like this. You're not like this When you leave here. You're just doing this because it's professional in a certain sense, right? It's coming off. Is your trying to be nice? You're trying to be pleasant. The funny thing about this is when people do trying for a poor. We all pick up that it's not genuine. We know it's not genuine. Were just like, Oh yeah, I like the person's trying, you know? Well, here's the thing as well. When we find someone attractive, a lot of times we accidentally slip into that. We probably going just like, Hey, I was a day. Would you wanna grab coffee sometime? Or you were in this weird trying for report tonality and people pick up on it, and it's just it's not It's not a very good one, because we kind in that sense. What do you really demonstrated? What do you really saying to that person? You're like, I'm not worthy of talking to you. You wouldn't want to talk to me, right? So because I'm lesser and your Maura, I'm gonna try to get from you what I want, which is your attention or, you know, for you to comply with whatever I'm trying to get you to buy or whatever. You know. Go on a date with me, Please. Write is we're trying for a poor thing, right? So cut that out. I don't want to use try and poor anymore. Instead, what I want you to do is talk in a normal report. The same when you talk with your friends and family, right? It's more neutral. You're not like up here. You just like, Hey, what's up? How are you? How's your day? Cool talk and try and get used to, you know, going into this neutral report. Now, here's the truth of it. When people first try this, they think they're in neutral poor, but they're really still in trying. The best way to do this is to actually practice breaking report tone ality. And when you think you're being in a breaking report 20 ality, You're actually neutral. Poor. This is kind of how it works, right? So what is breaking? Report? Regular Portman ality is what you'd hear. Maybe a police officer talked to you like or a bouncer to club where? Their ideas now or license and registration, please or Hi. Can I help you guys? There's some sort of thing. That's just like it. Breaking reports like I don't care if you don't like me. I'm being direct and I'm being assertive and I'm being, you know, confident what I'm saying. It's just like I know what I'm talking about. These are the rules. I'm the authority here. Now, this might sound bad at first, but understand that when people have this, they react really well to that. When people use a breaking report, tonality its very attractive you'll notice is, well, even with me, the reason able to talk this way because I know what I'm talking about when it comes to confidence so I can talk to you in a way that's like duct adopt adopted duck. It's very direct. It's very powerful, and you'll notice that I have more of an influence on you, right? I'm able to teach effectively using this voice Now. To me, it doesn't feel like I'm like trying to break report, obviously wanna have you, you know, like me in this program, right? But at the same time, you know I'm talking to you in a way that I know I was gonna get right down to making change, being an effective communicator, and that's with using breaking poor tonalities, an authoritative tonality. So just try doing that, you'll find. Even when you try to do that, you'll actually be in neutral report and breaking report. Tonality doesn't have to be negative, right? I know I use the example the police officer, the bouncer. But you could even use that tone. It's like, Hey, how are you? How's your day? What's up? And you can talk in that way. And that kind of like direct and it's not broken up, just using a deeper atonality in your voice as well as a directness to it. You're really projecting at, um, where is trying reporters kind of breathing in its Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? And then, Hey, how are you? Neutral Pours well, they're so notice these three tone allergies use them effectively when you're in a breaking report, tonality its authoritative. It's more attractive. Dominant, it's, you know, there's something about it that really is very magnetic to people. People listen. It demands attention. It demands, you know, a certain sense of respect out of it. Now you don't wanna go over the top of everyone listen up like you're not like this kind of weird owed. Nothing weird like that, but rather you just using it in, um, or common matter, but with controlling the tonality so it can tell the difference, right? Uses effectively. And when you're in that frame, it also demonstrates that you're a high value characters, that you're a confident person. You have a lot of self esteem because you know your worth. You don't really care what people's judgments are on you. You know your worth. And because you know your worth, they could like you. Or they can not like you. You're not here. Please anyone. You're just here to have a good time. 15. Problem How To Ask Someone Out On A Date Without Feeling Creepy: Alright, guys, we're going to dive into dating confidence. Now I'm going to stay away from attraction theory. I'm going to stay away from, you know, different dating strategies and how to get your perfect partner. All these sort of stuff. We're going to stay away from that and we're just gonna focus on confidence within dating. So let's dive right on it. Let's talk about some of the major issues people face when dating. First thing that I find that a lot of my clients tell me when they're nervous about getting back in the dating field is like, Hey, I don't even know how to go on a date. I don't even know what I ask someone out. Okay, let's talk about this for a second, Okay? Now, bit of a different message for the guys at versus the girls on this one, and that's because there's almost different societal standards for what's normal. It's just kind of how it ISS and, you know, sometimes these things and in the future these things do change, right? But for now, if we're talking in 2017 there's a bit of a different attitude that has to happen so right now, it's very socially expected that guys go and talk to girls. That guy's going approach, girls. So, fellas, listen, you gotta You gotta ask. You gotta say, Hey, what's up? How are you? You know, I just thought you're attractive. One of her. Grab your number. We grab coffee sometime, right? You got to go and be like, Hey, let's go grab a drink some time. You got to go and ask. You gotta do it. There's no way around it, my friend. I mean, you could do the creepy thing. You could go on. Like I'm gonna like all of her photos, and then she'll know, or I'll be like, You know what I was gonna like. A photo is a few weeks old, but then she'll know. Then show no, right. This stuff doesn't work, man. It doesn't work. Instead, just be up front. You can even go and just be genuine about how nervous you are. Listen, most people are going way, way rather genuine. 80 verses, you know, some fixed sort of things. I don't even want to give you, like, some script to go up and be like, Hey, my name's just dot dot dot Like these weird pickup lines? No. Scrap that stuff, man. Just go in and just say hi. Just say hi and let the rest flow and then even just be like, Hey, like, I'm pretty nervous. Uh, it was like, this pretty nerve racking for me, but I figured I'd just come and say hi data, right? You can even just talk about how you're feeling in that moment, right? Don't even worry about a man. Most people appreciate that genuine ity, right? And if you're not, if you're not genuine people picked up on that. And if you're you know, if you're not nervous as well, there's a genuine 82 that were like, Oh, man, this person's actually confident can go up just like, Hey, what's up? Are you? Some people are like that, right? A lot of the times it comes with practice. A lot of times is just kind of how people are. Either way, no matter where you're at in this, you've got to recognize that you got to do it. I know some of your like, yeah, maybe all dude, or I'll know someone through my work or this This person this person will Cepsa date sort of thing. You know what? Stop waiting and start dating. Honestly, man, go ahead and take control of your life by going and just asking out the people you want. Go on, do it manually. You'll be surprised how well it works. Alright, and just understand that like, yeah, there's a lot of different values. There's a lot of different, uh, ways to look at things. So you're gonna feel some rejection. That's totally fine. You don't know what the person was going through. You don't know if their dog died that day or if they're busy or if they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or what? You don't know what the situation is. Start making assumptions and just figure it out for yourself. And don't worry about the rejection. Don't worry about the embarrassment, That stuff I know you're like What the hell? Of course I'm gonna worry about that, But trust me, man, this is how you get over it. You go and do a bunch of it. You go and just understand. It's a bit of a numbers game. It's a bit of a numbers game Now. I know it sounds a little harsh is like What the heck is numbers? Game store stuff? But understand that? Yeah, you don't have to treat like that. You can go and try and be perfect in every single one of your interactions. The person. A lot of people do that and it works out for them. It's fine. But you know what? Honestly, that's a bit of a luxury. That's one of those situations where maybe, you know, you're working with the personnel, you know your work in your office and stuff, and you're like watching them and you're spying on them and you're thinking about them all day long. And did she say anything about me to the Oscar? And there's, like, this weird sort of childish starting. No, no, just stop. Go up and say hi, That's it. Go from there. Don't worry about what to say. Don't even think about what to say. Just go up and say hi. Just start with that, okay? And if you bomb, if you're a by and just walk away Hey, you know what? Your at least part of with 1% of guys that are able to do this at that point, you are part of the 1% of people that are able to actually go ahead and do that. Who does that right? Who does that? You do that. Like we said before, That's like me to go on approach someone I'm attracted to. That's like me to go after what I want in life. Get used to this ideology. Get used to going after the things you want in life and stop waiting for life to just happen to you. Take control. So that's my message for the guys and girls will probably relate with this as well. And I hope you do. I want you to understand that it's a very odd thing. A lot of girls have a belief that's like if he's not competent enough to come up and talk to me that I don't want to date him anyways, I'll be honest. It's brutal. It's brutally, brutally, brutally. Oh, tough, very tough for guys to go and do this very anxiety provoking. And there's a reason is it is getting worse and worse as a society becomes more and more politically correct as their society becomes more and more, you know, offended and used to being like a victim and people triggering. And you probably heard of that term before. Something like triggered right. And just where they, like, get emotionally spiking. What the What the hell do you say to me? People get offended quicker now, and you have to understand that. That's just kind of the direction where we're at right now. In 2017. That's kind of how it is. But understand that you could make a little easier for guys. All right, you can help us out a little. It doesn't mean that they're not confident. It just means that they're too worried. Defend you? They're too worried that, you know, some guys gonna come out of the corner and beat them up or something, right? They don't wanna have any weird situation. They don't wanna be embarrassed. You. They don't want bears themselves. It's an empathetic thing. It's them being like, Hey, like, I don't wanna You know, I don't I don't want to, like, embarrassing. I don't want to, like, ruin your day. I don't like that. They just don't want to creep you out, and they're gonna do creepy shit. And so that's the whole thing. Just make it a little easier for guys and go and talk to the guys you want. Listen, you go and get the careers you want. You go and pick your own clothes. You go and do everything else yourself. So why would you wait for some guy to approach? You go and get the guys you want. Go on, ask out the guys you want to date this my message for the girls and women, plus the guys, but same kind of message, right? Stop waiting. Start dating, Go out and ask that person and understand There's a bit of a numbers game to this because we don't know what people are dealing with at that time. When somebody says no, they're not saying no to you. They're saying no to the situation. They're saying No toe like there's too many things going on. So don't take it personally. Just understand that you know what? It's fine. It's fine. They have different values. They have different situations. Timing wasn't right times a huge component. This we're doing with human beings and human beings. They're all over the place. So just know, give it your best shot and go from there and try again next time. So that's what I got for you guys. Talk to the next lecture 16. How To Increase Attraction, Be Unforgettable and Calm Your Nerves Before A Date: in this lecture. I want to talk to you about the reality of dating. Okay, right off the bat. Dating is messy. Interactions are messy. That's how it's supposed to be. It's not supposed to be super smooth sailing. It's not supposed to be this. You know, Everything went perfect all the way through until we're dating. Now we're married, everything's good. Then you die. No, it's not supposed to be that way. Life is messy. Dating is messy. And it's supposed to be this way. Let me explain something to you. Let me talk about how when you're in an interaction were in a conversation with someone. What you really remember. Most people in any sort of interaction have kind of a sick narrative that they talk about, right. They talk about basic stuff. Well, would you like to go here All you traveled? Did you enjoy your traveling old? What do you do for a living? Do you like that? Is that funnel? You have any siblings? Started a very safe conversation. Right now we try to be safe because we don't want to rock the boat because we're afraid to offend. People were afraid to have a separate, but let me point something out to you. What do you remember? You remember things that are emotionally relevant, like we talked about earlier. You remember things that stand out? You remember stuff that gets out of that framework when you have a really interesting conversation with something. Whoa, Cool. That's that was interesting. Well, that's very need. Or when you disagree, you're like, Oh, that's very odd. Or you have some sort of, like kibitzing around, like maybe a little bit of flirtatious, like, You know, we'll call it like picking on each other sort of thing. When you have those higher ups and downs like that, that's what stands out to people. That's what is attractive, that's what. When you talk to someone, you're like, Man, that was interesting. That was cool. Wanted I want more on. The reason is, is that our brains need exposure to things to feel comfortable, right? So the mawr things that go up and down those registered to our brain, they go like, Oh, yeah, okay, that was that stands out. And then when we think about it later, we were thinking about the stuff that's doing out, and then the more that we're thinking about it. The more events like you know, that person then goes to work and they're thinking about the conversation. Then they're at home and they're thinking about the conversation. Then they're out with friends and the thing about the conversation, the more references that you give someone's brain, the more comfortable they're going to be able to be around now. This is very, very important to note because what's happening here is that most people, when they go on dates there on effective And like I said, I'm gonna try and stay away from the attraction component. But they're very safe in their conversation. Don't be so concerned with keeping things clean and safe and not rocking. The boat rocked the damn boat. Really, that's That's what I'm telling you to do here. Dating is messy. It's supposed to be, and because when it is, it's fun. It's exciting. It's worth it when it's clean and boring and safe. Now you forget about those people. You don't really think about that stuff. When things are ups and downs, that's the good stuff. That's where your brain registers like. Hey, this is important. This is relevant so don't be afraid of the master, right? Life is messy. Dating is Massey. Get your hands and mud get messy. See in the next lecture. 17. How To Handle Rejection Or Failure With Confidence & Self Esteem: okay. And this lecture, we're going to talk about how to handle rejection or failure. Same kind of thing when we get rejected and when we get you know, when we fail in life were often in a very bad state and in that state, And then kind of start to get a bit of a negative narrative about, you know, a bit of a negative self talk going on. We're just like, God, like, why do I look like such a fucking idiot? Done? Well, we're gonna work on that right now. Okay? I want you to start to have a little bit more humor with yourself. Okay? Now, this is something. I do it myself. This is something I teach my clients, and it's extremely effective. So we're going to do that right now. I want you to think about some time where you failed or sometime where you were rejected, and it still bothers you. We think about that. Like maybe you ask. That personality said no. Maybe you know, you bears yourself while you're public speaking. Maybe it did something weird. And you're like, What? I see that maybe you overreacted. Whatever it waas think about the time where you either failed or you got rejected or something along those lines. Now that one of the ways you can control yourself talk, it's very difficult to control yourself. Talk. But we can do is you kind of have some fun with it, right? Massage it in a certain direction. So I'm gonna show you how to do that. So I'll give an example. I remember when I went and asked a girl for her number, right. It was this girl that I like, sort of knew we were in a class together and I was just like, OK, I'm gonna do I'm gonna do it. And like, I was just really in my head the entire time. I was like, Okay, No, no, no. Just go ahead and just go and ask her and like, it'll be good, Will pan out. It will pan out right. I'm really just trying to increase my state sort of stuff. And I was really I wasn't really feeling, but I was like, OK, I gotta do this. I got to do this. I was very, very nervous. The point was, I walked up and was like, Hey, how's it going like try to make small China's like it was just wonderful. I get your number and stuff. There's a oh like to date and oh, yeah, we could go on a date and stuff. That's kind of like what Chatham's things and you know And I just started stuttering and stuff like that, not just like it was a mess. And then she's like, Uh, yeah, no, thanks. I'm not really interested and, like, that's pretty polite. It wasn't like she was like, Fuck off, you know, like it wasn't any sort of crazy or just like she's like, Yeah, I'm not really interested because you probably feel how nervous I was at the time Right now . My point was, this was I rejected, Yes, but how do I handle that sort of thing? Well, one of things I do is that I have a bit of, ah, kind of a weird sense of humor. In a certain sense, you probably tell, but one of the things is that I remember when I got home, Just like like, you fucking idiot, just going off in my head right now. So, you know, I shouldn't have frickin done that now I gotta go see your again. If I ever see her, she'd be like, all That's the dude. That guy that said you wanted to go out with meat, right? There's, like, this weird sort of thing, even right now what I'm doing it It sounds humorous, but that's kind of what I'm gonna try and show you here. I want to get to a place of your like, and you're really seriously, you fucking idiot. You fucking idiot. What were you doing? What we thinking? Why? Just go up and talk to her? Like Like what? You thought she was actually to say yes. He actually thought she was going to say yes. Yeah, you're fucking fool. And you embarrass yourself. Now you look like a dick. Yeah, you look like a dick. And now you look like you're just some fucking weird loser. Some weird loser running around asking girls for their numbers and stuff. You know what, buddy? You're one of those jackasses, huh? Think you're all cool with your slicked back hair, huh? Dark framed glass. Fuck you! Fuck you! Uh, now she's gonna go home, and she's gonna laugh or their girlfriends just asked me I was like, I'm not interested. Any was just damnedest. And And all the girls were sitting there together like clinking their glasses, making funny of you damn fool. And while you're at home just alone like Oh, God, thinking to yourself thinking all these crazy thoughts You see what I'm doing there? I'm starting to go from my kind of dark until I kind of warped a little toe like, kind of funny. Now, that's what I'm asking you to do when you find yourself in a place where you're really having a negative self talk. Just start to make fun yourself, make fun yourself, find humor in the situation, really over exaggerate it really realized like what we're doing to ourselves. And the weird thing is that we're doing it and we don't realize that were were negatively talking to ourselves, but at the same time, like, No, I don't wanna be here, don't want to be here, But I do want to be here. I want to think about this, but I don't I don't don't think about this, and we're this. We're back and forth, so you might as well just go with the flow of it right If it wants to think in generalizations if it wants to think negatively. If you want to think so poorly about yourself, then you might as well just exaggerate the hell out of it, right? Just exaggerate it like crazy like Oh, my God. They're clinking glasses, laughing and cackling right there on Facebook. Right now they're printed pictures of my face and the like. They're all scratching all over it, right? This is just the all sorts of nuts stuff. Like I said, I'm a bit of a weirdo with this, But go ahead and do that and just find humor in it, right? Really? Just make fun of the fact of how extremely again, when you do that, you really beat down the imagination's ability to come up with new things. And this is the big problem is that you're fighting against your imagination. Stop fighting. Just go with it. All right? This is how you handle rejection and failure. Stop fighting your imagination and just go with it. So make fun of yourself, exaggerate the issue and have some fun with it. I know it sounds weird and it seems a little weird and bizarre such as like, Whoa, This seems dark or something. Yeah, your place, your minds gonna go in some weird places, but just go with it, right when you do this, the point is to stop over analyzing, to stop ruma gating in this were back and forth work, but don't want to think this way. Don't think things back and forth because what ends up happening is you spend weeks, months and years thinking about that bullshit, and it doesn't serve. You see him might as well get down to what is trying to do. Go with the flow, rise it up with all this over exaggerated over exaggerates, imagery and generalisations and all these assumptions. Just fuck and run with it. And when you do that, let it go. Simple. Is that so? Have some fun. I'll see in the next lecture. 18. The Practice requires action, introduction of the State Audios: So like I said, I'm gonna try and keep this course condensed. But when we get into the practice component, I'm going to give you some audios that I want you to listen to. These audios you could just listen to while you're alone has put them in and before you have to go out into a new situation. Or maybe you're in the car before you go out into, like, a, you know, a meet up with a bunch of new people. Or maybe you listen to this before date. Whenever it is, I want you to go ahead and listen to these audio's and I'm gonna talk to you. I'm gonna get you into the right state. I'm gonna use a lot of different language in there to really help get you to that place where you are ready to take action. You're feeling confident. Yeah. Okay. And it could go in there confidently. I'm gonna boost your state. So go ahead and listen to those when you need them. OK, But go ahead and do the practices. I'm gonna walk you through them like I said. But after we got, we went through all the you know all the principles went through different problems and not approach them. And now we're going into the practice, right? So we can use some of these things. Like I said, we could feel your brain up with a bunch of stuff. But what is really gonna come down to if you really want conference? If you're really serious about making this one of the last things you ever go through and where you can kind of have the tools to apply effectively, it's gonna come down and taken action. All right, there's no way abounded. All right? This is the most effective way. I wish I could just be like, all right, And I could say some magic words and you immediately change. But unfortunately, not like that. And no one is going to be able to do that if they say they are, be pretty skeptical. But here's the point. There are actual genuine ways to make confidence and build confidence. And you change who you are at your core. So I'm trying to give you the tools to do that. Going play, please. Oh, God. Please 19. Practice From This Point Forward You Want To Start Doing This (before Social) : So I want you guys to recognize that there are lots of ways to be social. You don't have to go to the nightclub scene. You don't have to go to a bar seeing whatever it is. Those things work. And I encourage you to go out when you have the opportunity and even push yourself to go out. If you find that, like, you know, a bunch of friends on worker going out take that opportunity. Don't just be like, uh, I'm gonna go home like you're going to be rational. And that's a lot of people have this obsession with trying to be a robot, right? We're just like, you know, I gotta make sure I'm on that bed at this time. And I'm doing this, that I'm doing this. I'm doing this. I'll be honest with you when you live your life like this, when you try and be like, perfectly organized and this is my schedule, schedules are important, but you'll notice that the times where you really enjoy yourself the times where you made that growth was not in your schedule. It was when you push past it when you kind of push yourself a little further. Those are the moments in life you like. That's pretty cool in a lot of times. Yeah, sure. It doesn't pan out, right. Like I shouldn't went out tonight That, uh But the fact that you went out means that you're taking active effort to control this area of your life. And so I encourage you to take all the opportunities that come your way, and we're gonna talk about how to get some more opportunities in top of that. 20. Practice Doing It For The Grandkids Action Strategy: all right. In this lecture, we're going to be talking about someone I personally use. I call it doing it for the grandkids, right? Doing it for the stories. All right, listen up. Okay? Whether you want kids, they're not right. My point is this Do things for the story, Do things for the narrative of your life, Do things so that you have stories to tell the grandkids. Think of it like this is like, it's not the stuff that you would tell your kids, right? Cause your kids like they don't want to hear that, you know, embarrassing stuff. Other parents, right. But for some reason, when it skips a generation like think about stories you've heard from your grand parents and crazy things they've done, they might only have one or two stories. Maybe you haven't got awesome, grandmother. Grandfather. Some like that right there. Like you won't bully what I went through. Right. But my point is this. Do it for the grandkids, have stories to tell people later have stories about your life that are like you like. Okay, this one time I was doing this program that Justin Quinton set up and he was teaching me how to do things and was trying to build confidence. And he had me going talking to strangers. And anyways, when I went up and talked to the stranger, I got so nervous, I puked right or some. So hopefully that doesn't happen to you. But you get My point is that even when things go bad, even when things are embarrassing through time, when we reframed things, we have a great story. Always. We got a crazy story, even things that are extremely painful or embarrassing. Looking back later at life were like, Man, I'm glad I got through that. You have these references, these stories to tell other people that really just show, like the ups and downs of your life, the insanity of, like, the unpredictability of life. It shows just like funny situations, right? When you look back when you go and tell people about your life, you're going to remember the stuff that stands out and that's emotionally relevant. Think about this for a second. Okay? You don't remember things that arms relevant to you. So right now and I say you know what shirt were you wearing for Thanksgivings ago? You probably don't remember unless you have some special like turkey shared or something. Right. But my point is this You remember things like your first fight. First relationship, first kiss. You know, you remember the first time you walked on stage, remember the first. You know, like anything that's a first that's high on emotional levels. That's the stuff you remember, right? Anything that registers on high emotional levels is the stuff you remember. So when I say things like, do it for the grandkids, right, Do it for the stories. What I'm really telling you to do is do things that are emotionally powerful. And when you do things that are out of your comfort zone that we're just crazy, you'll find that you either get a couple things. You get Mawr retrospective life because when you look back at your life will be like, Oh, yeah, this is this. And you also get a you know, Ah, funny story out of it. No matter what the outcome, you got a story out of it, and that's what life's about. It's about collecting these different stories, having different experiences and really just learning to enjoy the ride and share with other people. So go get some stories for the grandkids. We'll see the next lecture 21. Practice Changing The Way You Use Social Media To Really Shift Your Social Life And Communication: I want to talk to you today about social media and the benefits and the negatives to it. So, social media, I have people follow a very simple rule with Okay, it's called socialized, not idolize. Now what does this mean? Well, socialize versus idolize their two different things, right? Socializes, obviously too. Socialize with other people to connect with other people, to go and find events that are in your city, or that your friends are going to and go to those events to socialize, to meet new people, to connect with new or old friends. So that's what social media is for the other side that people kind of get locked into is what I call idolizing. Now people often idolize other people's lives, so they look at their social media and they go like, Oh, man, this person's life is so interesting and sometimes we'll do it and we're not even aware of it. We're just watching someone else. Live life and live life typically is a perceived life. It's like, Hey, check out my life, check out all the cruel things I'm doing right? Look at all the good food I'm eating, looking at me, going to the gym. Look at all these positive achievements I'm making when in reality people aren't posting too good and bad things. They're just posting ads stuff or so just posing the good stuff. They're avoiding the bad stuff. Now. There's a reason for this. It's that right now on social media because it's rather new. People haven't really adapted to this sort of thing, But one thing is very clear, and it's that when you post positive things, people like ITM or and when you post negative stuff, people like it less. Now why do this? Why does this matter when people like things more or less? Because when you're posting, you are getting feedback from an environment, right? And like I said, we're social creatures, right? You've heard me say this before, and so we want that feedback. We created that feedback. So when we do good, when we do positive things, when we get the approval of other people, which is in the form of likes for most people, when that happens, we actually don't me to spike. Everyone gets this right. You might think you don't care about social media and other and post don't do this stuff, but just post post and see how you feel it will actually boost your dopamine levels. It'll actually get you to a pleasure to kind of like who, and you feel a little bit more confident, little bit more positive when this happens. It's very much like a drug, and very quickly you realize that you're getting condition to post positive things and to avoid the negative stuff. But what happens when this happens for everyone when everyone's doing? This one ends up happening is that we go ahead and we create what's known as an echo chamber and an echo chamber is something where everyone has the same ideologies, beliefs and thinking inside of Let's call it a chamber and those ideas air bouncing around there, echoing around on that ideas, positivity or perceived positivity. So look how good my life is. Look at how good this is. Check this out that the doctor stuff and every do not like Oh, so cool that that God, I know I sound a little bitter with this, but it's just because I know the affected hasn't people's confidence, because one ounce of happening from most people is that we see other people, and we compare ourselves to this perfection. And we know logically that not everyone has a perfect life. We know that everyone has problems. But emotionally, when emotions are involved in your getting dopamine hits from positive likes and stuff like this, it starts to really mess with you because I'll tell you one thing is that we often times and for the most part we really, really idolize other people. And we under idolize ourselves. So we really get a lot of credit to other people and we don't give enough credit to ourselves. A lot of people are like this, right? We we could put other people in higher steam and then asset a lower steam, Right, Right. We almost in a certain sense, put people on pedestals, right? Even think of someone you really attracted to when you're looking at their stuff. You're actually, in a certain sense, kind of like propping them up a bit like Oh, wow. But if you actually started to date them, you'll notice that pretty quick you're like, Oh, that person said this or their own kind of like this little and you're like, OK, and that starts a fig that's known as the honeymoon phase right. You start to get real data about that person that's not perceived. It's not this, like, fake stuff you're seeing online. You're actually getting to know them now. Okay, Yeah, they're they're not this thing, and for most part, it's That's fine, too. That's, like, kind of a normal progression. But that thing is not really. It's not really at all. It's the perceived opinion about someone's life, and when someone's only posting positive stuff, you're not getting an accurate feedback of their life. You're not even getting a good sense of who they are. You could maybe get the facts about something right, Like where you're like Oh, yeah, you know, like they like this So they like that. I really think about that. When you get to know someone, is it the fax they were born on this day? They did this. No, it's not those fax. Instead, when you feel like you know someone, it's how they react. It's hats, the energy that give you. I don't like use the term energy, but if the vibe really it's the sort of like way they can joke with you right, they say a joke and then reacting. Okay. Other cool. We I know the type of human they like, right? It's like when you know how comfortable you could be with them. That's when you really get a good sense of how you know someone's not the fact that they went to school here. This is what they do for a living, those air things about them. But realistically, when you feel like you know someone is because you know how they react, it's because you know the vibes that you guys can share sort of thing and how you guys interact. This is super important. OK, remember this socialized, not idolize. That's the point of this lecture. 22. Practice A Simple But Effective Trick To Start Changing Yourself Into A Person With More Confidenc: okay, This lecture is going to talk about how we actually make shifts into our I self concepts and identity and build our confidence up from there. Well, like I said, we're not going to touch on the theoretical. We don't have time for that. We're trying to get a lot in in just the one hour. So let's dive right in. If you want to start to change your identity, if you want to change the way that you relate to things right, how you can best do this is by understanding that when you look at things that you like, announced, just go ahead And like I was like, That's like me Any time you do something you like. Any time that you're like you act confident or you went and you approach someone or you talk to a new person or you wrote, you raise your hand in a meeting or, you know, you said yes to doing like public speaking or something like that or taking on a leadership role. Any time you do something you like, That's confident that benefits you, that it makes you feel good right now. We should do more of that just say that's like me, and if you think to yourself every time you think back in all these different actions, you take, you go. That was like me. That's like me that's like me that's like me Just keep saying that because when you do that , when you go and say that's like me, that you relating to something and we relate to all sorts of stuff, like a sever staying away from theoretical for now But we relate to all sorts of things beliefs, objects, people, you know, this is how you're able to be like C A T shirt and like, That's not like me or that's like me. Like I said, those words that's like me Then every time you do something that you don't like or say, it feels something you don't like. Go ahead and say the opposite. That's not like me. That's not me. Every time you do something that you know, you're just like I do this right and you can do this as well, for I know we're talking about conference, but you can actually use this for addictions. You can use this for any sort of compulsive behavior in your life, right? Every time you do something you don't like, just go ahead or something that you want to change. Just go ahead and be like That's not like me. That's not like me. I'm not like that. And then every time you do something to do, like that's like me, right? So you're trying to quit smoking, smoking and cigarette that stuff, right? When you start smoking and you're like how on you caved to the the craving, then you can just go ahead and be like This isn't like me. This isn't like me. And as you stop identifying with things, you just not gonna do it any more. I know it seems simplistic, but this is really how our identity controls our behaviors, and that controls how we feel about certain situations. So go ahead and start doing this. Say, that's like me to the stuff you like, and that's not like me to the stuff you don't like. 23. The Self Esteem Mind Programming Audio: Hey, it's just in here now. Before we begin, I want to give you a bit of a pre warning. This is a very intense and powerful exercise and can cause some pretty extreme emotional reactions. But that's the point how you get ready as you just make sure you're not gonna be disturbed . So I wanted to go inside your room, lock your door, make sure you turn your cellphone off. I want you to be in a place where you feel safe and you're not, you know, going to be disrupted throughout this process for the duration of the audio. But with that said, if you ready, let's continue. So I want you to go ahead and toe, lie down in your bed and close your eyes. If you're not already doing so now, right off the bat, I want you to just go ahead and give a huge stretch out. Just stretch out everything, stretch out your hands, your will, your toes, such your legs out, your arms, shoulders all that and relax. Keeping your eyes closed. I want you to go ahead. We're gonna tense all of your muscles, so tense them for 10 seconds. Here I'm gonna count. Um, all right. 321 go. 10 nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two and one. All right, relax. OK, Now, just let your body become nice and still, and I want you to become aware of that little voice in your head. The one that's listening to me right now, the one that you can't stop. Maybe you're thinking about your phone, maybe nothing about anything. But either way, I want you to go ahead. And I want you to displace your attention to the base of your spine. Just go ahead and focus on the base of your spine, and we're gonna lock it in there with some guided breathing. Just a quiet our minds. So what I want you to do is to follow along. We're going to be inhaling for the count of six. They're gonna hold for three than exhale for six and then hold for three, and then we can breathe normally. So let's do that now. Inhale. Six, five for three to one. Hold three to one. Exhale 65 4321 Hold three to one. Breathe normally. All right, Let's do that once more. Inhale for the count of six five, four three to one. Hold for three to one. Exhale for 65 four, three to one. Hold for three to one. Breathe. It's another mind is quieter. I want you to just go ahead and listen and relax to my voice and just allow yourself to entertain and imagine the questions and things I suggest. So as you're listening to my voice now, your breathing is more relaxed. Maybe you feel a stillness or a kid coming up. You just go ahead and shuffle lightly. Have you have? Ah, it should go ahead and scratched or just ignore whatever feels right. Maybe you noticed your thoughts racing, but who's texting your If someone's easy or disturb you, that's totally normal. Just go ahead and acknowledge those thoughts or any of the other ones that come in and just let them float on by as you listen to my voice lying down. Just staying still with a nice, calm breathing notice the tension leaving your hands and your feet just slowly spreading up throughout your legs and arms, working its way to your stomach and shoulders, just letting all that tension melt and he's feeling nice, loose, limping number. You might notice the music slowly, starting to play against my voice as it increases. I want to feel it. Take over your body. Nice, relaxing and opening way. Just really letting you connect with yourself a deep connection with yourself. Just allow yourself to relax. Now we're gonna go into your mind and I want you to imagine something. Imagine that you're dead. You've died. It's over. Her life has ended. Imagine that right now. You had your shot in life. It ended. You had your shot. It's done. Your life is done. You've time you came. You got stressed. There was some bullshit. He had some joy, had some fun. There was some stress, but it's done. You had it all. But it's over. That's it. And you're lucky that you even have this moment to reflect on it. Most people don't. Most people, I suddenly they don't have the chance to reflect. But right now you do have when you go ahead and feel that death, your life is done and it's over. Feel yourself. Let go. There's no more validation. There's nothing more you can control. There's nothing you could do let go side of your control. It's over. You've died. You get no more approval. There's no more emotions. There's nothing for you to control. You don't know what happens in the future and doesn't matter. You're done. It's over for you. Life moves on without you. For you. It's over. I want to feel the seriousness of that. Fuel the death, fill your life past. There's nothing you can do anymore. All your concerns, all your hopes, all your dreams. They've happened. All the mistakes, the regrets, all the things that didn't happen that you wish happening. It's over things that didn't happen, that you had to live with your whole life. It's all over your greatest pains, the opportunities they have passed, your chance has passed. It's over. You've died all your joys, all the things you wanted to do, all the things you wish you had done. Your life has ended. You may be in your head and reflecting, but there's no going back. It's done. There's no where for you to go. You're dead. There's nowhere to go. You're just in your thoughts right now. Reflecting There's nowhere to hide. You can't hide. You can't get out of this. This is the end. Other people go on. But the world will end and the universe will end along with everything you've ever done or tried to do. All of it is over. There's no point, no matter how much you kick or scream. This happens no matter how much you wanted. Toe last, it's done and you can't control it. It can't do anything. It's over. Let go. There's no more safety. All the things he wanted, all the people you wanted, all the money, achievements or romances or love all the experiences you still want and didn't have. It's over. All you can do is stop resisting. Stop fighting and accept this all you can do. Be grateful for the fact that you didn't get to experience this life, that you could even live at all that you even have this opportunity to experience these ups and downs. All you can do is feel grateful. I feel grateful for the experience. Is he had good and the bad the parents that lets you down where the parents, that we're there for you, things that did well, the things they didn't the friends you had the good and bad experiences. The growth you had. The romance is you may have experienced You made those choices. That was your experience. You chose it. He chose to be alive. You chose toe have that experience. You gotta have it. That was life. You had it and it's over. Let it go. All you can use feel the gratitude of it. You got to experience life. All the shit you did all of things you thought that matter. All the stuff you thought was important. All the effort. All of it. Really just came down to one thing. That was the people you cared about. The contribution that positivity left in this world. Everything else was just bullshit. It was just a trick. It was just a distraction from the people you cared about in the positivity you share. You can see and feel that clarity now. That's okay. It all happened. Is it was supposed to. This was meant to be. And you can let go. You can let go. All that pain, all that frustration, the anxiety, all the thoughts that were obsessive. You can let it all go now. It's done. It's OK. There's nothing left there's no more safety, no more approval gnome or it's over. And you can go into that presence and let that feeling a clarity wash over you and he let go and go into that non resistance that void. You just let go and let that silence and peace wash over. You have that feeling of clarity. Feel the joy and gratitude and lightness of that. He's come over your just wash over you. That's reality. That's really And as you see that as you realize this, you now have a chance to come back. You now have a chance to do it again. With this new knowledge, you have a chance to come back now with that new knowledge and do this again without the heaviness, without the pain. Without the bullshit, you can come back and you can take that chance. You can come back to life and do this again with the new knowledge. You could do it again. Would you take that chance to come back? Would you choose to stay here permanently? Would you choose to go back and face it again with more knowledge with more depth? Would you choose to come back to this playground of ups and downs and joy and pain. Would you bring this realization with you? Would you say yes, toe life? Were you agreed to the complexity of life and say yes to it? Will you would allow for these ups and downs, but acknowledge them not just with words but with this feeling understanding that people are going to understand you every time that's all right, they'll figure things out on their own. It's not your job to share this rather than just feel this light and shared through yourself shared with who you are at your core, understanding that it's just you at your core. And you need to get out of your own way that you were this way to begin with and you'll be this way at the end. And it's just about getting out of your own way. Getting out of that obsessive thinking when you say yes to this at your core, the real you we remember the truth. Remember the reality, the clarity that comes with who you are your core now. Right now, you feel free to share yourself to contribute positively to the world, to love and be grateful and care for other people. Well, you realize that you're confident by default. You are already worthy. You already have worth. You're just getting in your own way. But not anymore. You have no reason to not love yourself. Everything outside of that was a fucking distraction. But now you know this is you. Remember this lesson, remember? You know what matters. It's about sharing yourself with the world is about sharing your confident personality. It's about sharing your light through this feeling. Life is your playground. This is your time and you get to do it again. You get to do it. You have the opportunity to approach life with more depth and passion than ever before. To share that positivity to share your creativity, your personality, your love and live a life that matters without the bullshit. Without the heaviness, without fear, without obsessive thinking. How many times must you die to learn this lesson? Know this now This is you confident loving, giving offering yourself to the world regardless of anxiety, hate or fear. On the count of three, I want you to emerge back into life by quickly opening up your eyes and popping up out of your bed and standing tall and confidently with this and going forward and offering your gifts confidently to the world. Being free to be your confidence self and enjoying the variety that life gives You do this on one to and three. Open your eyes and stand up confidently. Remember this moment this is you.