Day 1: Chaos

Today I noticed how beauty and ugliness coexist. How chaos resides in simplicity. How pain can lead to happiness. Not sure anything I wrote makes any sense, but again, this is just a matter of perspective.

It almost seems like a typical day in Southern France. This will remain the case for those who don’t turn on their phones and blast themselves with the news. To these unfortunate ones, their peaceful morning will get washed away by a wave of cold, drenching panic.

This is one of the beauties of being born in this day and age. You can be enjoying the simplicity of mundane pleasures, sipping a cup of coffee, and suddenly, your serenity is wrecked by a ticking sound of your phone. I fear that we are incapable of handling technology without risks of anxiety attacks or depression.

I’d like to finish today’s entry on a reminder for myself. Enjoy and be grateful for the little things. They are the jewels of this Earth.

Day 2: Pandemic

Today I noticed I am grateful for this virus. There are few occasions in life like a pandemic where you realize how fortunate you are. When most people are panicking at the prospect of 45 days of quarantine, I rejoice and whisper “this is what I train for”. Not to say that I feel stronger than them. Just that I have been practicing every day for this.

I guess times of crisis differentiate those who have been following the path of pleasure and those who have climbing the path of hardships. Among the latter, some even dared to start living with virtue. This choice is reinforced by the situation of quarantine which is a true test of character for all of us. Not only this means dealing with a family you might not see as often, but it is also a challenge to overcome the current of emotions created in the chambers of our souls.

Lately, I have seen many videos on Stoic and Buddhist philosophy around on YouTube. Both share elements that are useful to overcome a crisis. Stoicism emphasizes using obstacles to grow and working with what lies within our control. On the other hand, Buddhism encourages us not to react and to understand the wisdom of impermanence. These philosophies have helped me in my own difficult times. I use Stoic philosophy when I decide to face challenges. I complement this with my practice in Buddhism by meditating and reflecting on impermanence with equanimity. But these approaches lack the third component. Gratefulness and love. With this last element, I get a full picture. An arsenal of tools with which I can fight off any crisis.

I feel that as we now venture into the worst phase of the pandemic, community and cooperation are more essential than ever. This is a rare opportunity to change a world stained by xenophobia and self-interest. Perhaps this will be a turning point in human history. Humans uniting to fight one common enemy. Using technological advances and trust to expiate this pandemic into our greatest achievements. Or perhaps not.

Day 3: Technology

Today I noticed what it means to be connected to the world. I woke up to the sound of a message urging me to respond. I suddenly felt anxiety creep up into my chest.

I wonder if I am really connected to people through my phone. Does technology make me happier or more anxious? Does this ticking sound make me more connected or does it more prone to suffering, isolation, and craving? What does it really mean to be connected in a world that is increasingly distracted? Maybe as we are confined in our houses, some of us will realize that we are already imprisoned inside our minds.

I sometimes wonder what being human will be like in 100 years. Will technology make us all further alienated? Or will we find a way of using these tools in a healthy way that supports our species? I laugh to myself when I imagine people 100 years ago and how shocked they would be to see us today. I also wonder if they would rather be amazed or terrified.

It seems there is a middle way where technology can be used in a balanced way, to help us grow and connect with ourselves and others. But how to approach this? I have had my share of experiments ranging from total deprivation to mindless consumerism. The tricky part is to realize that we are all already trapped.

Day 4: Writing

Today I noticed I did not know what to write about. I fancy myself a writer of some sort. I think I have potential and cling to that belief without writing anything worthwhile to read. Maybe some parts of my life could be of interest to those who struggle with the deeper meaning of existence. I sure struggled with these questions. But how many people are out there asking themselves these same questions? I honestly wonder. I hope I can meet them someday. I’d like to know what answers they got. Perhaps steal a few from them. But what about right now? Can writing be more than just typing a few words on a document? I fathom the hopes of writing with my soul through each piece of creation. I wonder if I can do such things.

Thinking about writing yesterday I came up with an interesting project. I could write a memoir of my recent trip to Asia. Use this fresh experience as material to mature my skills as a writer. These past two months were filled with their weight of drama. Perhaps I can write about this experience with style and convey how it felt for me. All these periods of doubt, solitude, pain… But also about the ecstatic moments that follow insights, the bliss of meditation, the warmth of friendship… All the colors of the canvas. A full experience of human possibilities. A hero's journey. But also the pain of realizing you aren’t so much of a hero. Falling down and finding the courage to stand up again, and again, and again. The story of life. I want to learn how to communicate the depth of emotions that I feel. But also the humbling insights that saved me. I’d like to start today. Maybe I will.

Day 5: Nothingness

Today I noticed the quietness and the murmuring of grass against the wind. The steadiness of a tree undisturbed by the world around him, his roots digging deep into the soul of the earth. The color of the ground, an eloquent mix of pale rocks, grass and dirt. Covered by an equanimous sky, ready to pour raindrops at the opportune time.

Nature happily going by, content with the chaos humans have created for themselves. Nothing much to do but everything to experience. The beauty of the moment unfolds as you unlearn the habit of filling your days with busyness. Observing how nature evolves without an agenda. Learning to live like a tree. Grounded and connected to the world, yet sturdy and balanced.

In sum, the lost art of doing nothing. Forgetting everything about ourselves and the petty plans we fit into life. Nature reminds us that we are not the center of the universe and that a world exists outside of our own desires. If we learn to sit still we might realize that there isn’t anything to pursue after all. Nowhere to escape. Why does this terrify us? Maybe we’re just too afraid to accept that there isn’t anything special waiting for us after all.

Day 6: Expression

Today I noticed that I wanted to spend more time expressing myself. There seems to be a law of diminishing returns when it comes to consumption. Modern society encourages us to consume in every way possible, by ingesting TV shows, social media feed, junk food… The list goes on and on. But little emphasis is put on creation and expression. It is as if humankind has lost all interest in expressing its inner gifts.

I know it’s my case. Even though I abstain from social media and TV shows, I still succumb to this trap. Like everyone, I fall into the illusion of “if I get this then I will feel good.” I try to fill in the emptiness of existence by listening to podcasts, reading books and watching educational content. I pursue happiness by overindulging in food and buying more and more.

Even though I am aware of this, switching from excessive consumption to expression seems like too far of a stretch. I do not know why, but self-expression disguises many of my hidden fears. Fears of inadequacy. Fears of rejection. Fears of imperfection. I wonder why as children these fears are nonexistent and why they take over as we grow up. Is this just part of the process of becoming an adult or is it a feature of our society?

Much of the work we need to do growing up includes reconnecting to this child who wants to express himself. Joseph Campbell would call this “following your bliss”, what truly lights you up. But most of us are disconnected from what makes us feel alive. Over-consumption covers our feelings of being lost. We try to fill the void in our souls by devouring the latest posts on Instagram or the last episode of our favorite TV show. But deep down we know that there is no end to this. We just don’t know what else to do.

To counter this dilemma I propose an experiment. If a lot of our negative feelings nowadays are caused by over-consumption of all sorts, then by doing its opposite, expression, we should be able to reverse the balance. I am on a journey to reconnect with the child that loved to write stories and draw dragons. There is no magical solution to start expressing ourselves in the world. All it takes is practice. But sure enough, when you feel like you haven’t been expressing yourself for years, the whole endeavor is terrifying. All the more reason to start now.

I think that in this experiment, it is important to focus on creating a habit. But building a habit from scratch demands a few prior considerations. First, ask yourself WHY you are starting this new habit. Without strong motivation, you won’t make it in the long run. For me, it’s about exploring what I fear the most and expressing my gifts with the world. Then make it small and consistent. Establish your daily floor. How much time are you willing to invest in this habit? What does a daily win look like for you? I am starting out with 1 hour a day of focused creation. Thirdly, monitor your progress. Keep a journal and write about your practice. See what you can improve and celebrate your small wins. Lastly, don’t take things too seriously and have fun in the process! Seriousness and perfectionism are sure ways to kill the sprouts of a new habit.

Day 7: Food

Today I noticed my hunger as I woke up. I hadn’t eaten for too long. Anxiety was creeping in.

As far as I can remember, I’ve always had a peculiar relationship with food. Very soon as I child, food became a temporary relief from the pain of existence. Often, I tried to fill in the loneliness in my heart with another plate of pasta. Of course, you can easily get addicted to the pleasurable sensations of eating. But in my case, it goes a little deeper than that. Food is an escape from the realities that my mind does not want to face. I don’t know if this habit is good or bad, it changes with your perspective. I mean it’s not like I indulge in junk food. Sure I like to feast on chocolate, but only the 90% one that puts your mental health to a test.

There are some things I would never change about my relationship with food. Eating with friends or family is one of my greatest sources of joy. There is something very fulfilling about the idea of sharing a meal with someone. I think it calls down to our instincts as a species. After all, our survival depends on food and social interactions. Food is also an act of creation. I love designing recipes from scratch and playing around with ingredients. It’s like painting on a canvas with a myriad of different colors. Only in this case, you eat the painting at the end.

Sure, I will probably end up overeating again because of my emotional disorders. But I can also laugh about it. It’s not like I’ll ever be perfect. Thinking all my negative habits will disappear one day is not necessary nor advisable. These imperfections are part of my human condition. I am blessed to have them and to be alive. Isn’t that enough?

Day 8: Slowing

Today I noticed how beautiful it was to take things slowly. I have wasted so much time in my life by sprinting. Running nowhere. Going from one to-do list to the other. Rushing through whatever was uncomfortable. Mindlessly consuming meal after meal and book after book. Running. But where?

Why do we live such fast-paced lives? Why do we fail to appreciate all that is already there? This attempt to escape the discomforts of life is running towards our graves. Seeking pleasurable experiences, all but in vain.

My mind halts every time I look outside at the tree outside my studio. Surely, slowness is the way nature intended us to live. We are not suited for the way we live today. At least I know I’m not. And I would like to know the reasons for someone who tells me otherwise.

Why has slowing down become so difficult? My hint is that we’ve wired ourselves for immediate gratification and that we are trapped in its cycle.

Every time I slow down, I feel a strain at first. Like I must exercise a specific muscle in order to enjoy life as it is. But then quietness settles in. There is no need to consume anymore. No need to run anywhere. Just to be.

Day 9: Anger

Today I noticed I am angry. I am angry because I am still coughing after two weeks. I am angry because I slept badly. I am angry because I got anxious about who knows what. I am angry because of the comments Jeff and Mom keep making on my weight. I am angry because I am still confined by myself. I am angry and I want to break things. I want to take the cushion next to me, stuff into my face, and scream out loud. I want to finish every bit of chocolate and tell mom about it. Let her be proud I ate sugar and am gaining some weight. I want to smash the words on the screen. I am sick of writing. I am sick of this virus. I am sick of being sick. I feel like screaming through my writing. As if that would work. Nothing makes sense when it comes to the inner workings of our emotions. We have so little control over whatever goes on inside our heads. My body wants to move, and dance, and break stuff.

I want to express what my soul has always ached to tell. Maybe one day I will be able to purify my soul through my art. I want to practice every day translating my personality into art, turning it into something beautiful or ugly. Just let it out there. Drop these emotions into the vastness of the universe. Accept the chaos of the creative process. Express this chaos into the world. Give me a medium. I am ready to express myself and to let this anger burst into ripples and devastate everything around it. I want to create as much as I want to destroy. Embrace both facets of life and death. Who knows what can come out of a sick mind like mine. Let it burst out. Continue expressing. Create. Create. Create. Destroy. Destroy. Destroy. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Day 10: Love

Today I noticed I felt love and joy. Reuniting with my family is a gift I will never take for granted again. I also realized how everything that enhanced my consciousness and energy had repercussions on the people around me. I play an important role in creating an environment in which I want to live in. I can create so much value just by spreading vibrations of love and joy. This is part of my role as a human being. Spreading the gifts I harbor within myself with the people around me.

But there is a slight danger of expecting something in return. If you wait for an external result from you are bound to be unhappy. This is something my intuition is very clear about. Perhaps this is also one of the reasons it took me so much time to start this creative habit. A constant desire still inhabits me. When it comes to love and creation it has to be a one-way flow. Both are somewhat intertwined. One helps the other grow.

I think I am more open to love since I have been building this habit of expression. My playful side has also risen back to life. Creative expression is the vessel for my next stage of development. It gives an intrinsic meaning to my spiritual growth and fuels my capacity to love and be loved. Thank you for blessing me with the time and energy to pursue this.

Alexandre Gagnard

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