I felt small, like I was 13 years old again, staring at my husband who was staring intently at my best friend Brittni, while she lost herself in a story like she does, tossing her silky brown hair behind her shoulder, her bright blue eyes glimmering with excitement.

Brittni across from us, looked at me to Tony, then back to me and back to Tony, as a good story teller does. I couldn’t help but watch Tony watch her, wondering if he doubted his choice. My old feelings of unworthiness creeped in.

I thought back to walking the Northdale Middle school hallways with my best friend Taylor. She was tall, blonde, and beautiful, with gorgeous hazel eyes that were more green than brown, and plump lips. She developed early, and the boys noticed. Next to her I was mousy at best.

My hair, not quite blonde, but not dark enough to be considered brown. I had a crooked smile, and only wore a bra to hide my nipples under my new single lacy camisole I’d bought from Holister with my skimpy allowance. It was the only thing I owned that wasn’t from the Old Navy.

I didn’t have an older sister like Taylor to teach me things like, how to straighten the back of your hair so you didn't have that wavy spot everyone could see, or how to apply eyeliner without it smudging.

She wasn’t just pretty, she was the best person I knew. Her dark and dry humor caught people off guard because of the way she looked, but it only made her all the more charming. She was as carefree as she was kind, a catch by anyone’s standards.

She spoke of me with admiration, and treated me as her equal. I didn’t see what she saw in me, and she’d roll her eyes when I compared myself to her, or doubted myself.

I found myself doubting yet again. I loved Tony and Brittni so much, they were my favorite people. I’d brought us all together, but what if they realized what there was to love about the other. Would I become obsolete?

“What do you think babe?” My husband’s voice brought me back to the present. His smile beaming. “Time to dance?”

I searched his eyes, and took a deep breath of relief, remembering that I am not thirteen. Remembering all the hardships I’d overcome. Remembering how hard I fought for myself, and that showed in the characters I’d chosen to surround myself with.

I thought about the beauty of how true friendship can transform your life. How Brittni and I validated each other, and supported each other physically & emotionally. How that support forged a bond I now cherish so deeply.

I remembered all the ways that Tony and I had shown up for each other over the last 5 years.The space we held for each other was sacred, and in holding that space, we transcended a shallow physical love, but rather our physical love was amplified by the way we nurtured each other's souls.

Besides, If I loved these two amazing people, and brought us all together, then I must be loveable too. My heart swelled as I closed my eyes, feeling my 13 year old self smile and nod in approval.

I opened my eyes to see Brittni and Tony waiting for me at the door, each with a hand extended for me, and smiles on their faces. All the things these two had seen me overcome, I refused to let my fear steal my joy.

“Alright, alright,” I said giggling, “I’m coming!” I ran to join my two favorite people in the whole world, my heart filled with more love than my thirteen year old self could’ve ever imagined.

Sayde T

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