I never knew when my life changed forever, everything I have even known was replaced by the new reality. It doesn’t matter how much I wished for it, it still took me by surprise and made me lose my balance. I had to rip off everything I thought I am to find myself again. Not just myself, everything I knew has changed, facts mixed with lies left me overwhelmed to understand how mad I am, disappointed I was once again right, And yeah, my family didn’t love me enough. It’s not like I had high expectations out of them from the start but this truth hurts, it could be that the idea of family that was rooted in my mind kept me naively wishing for a happy ending. Well, I survived an Attempted murder, I guess it could’ve been worse.

Months later I’ve found myself in the City called Berlin. And I’ve channeled my Alice in this wonderland, going through people like pages in an endless book. In the beginning, I felt small in the big streets and even smaller in large buildings. For me, it wasn’t a dream although it could be molly. I went high trying to introduce myself to myself again, hello I am Emma, a newborn who lived a lot of years. Spent hours and hours Listening to Mashroua Leila trying to make sense of the new world around me and the life I left behind until I realized there’s no point. Life is supposed to be logical neither to make sense, its a beautiful chaos, a death trap that you derive pleasure from and even when it is painful you find yourself begging for more.

In my young age, I managed to live two lives, I was the girl with everything but freedom, in a small city where nothing happens, a place that I was jokingly referring to as a ghost town where miserable souls occupied. A place disconnected from the rest of the world where people are waiting for a God who promised another life. Well, I guess I got mine. So now I found myself smailing to the idea that I wouldn’t even think about a better place than Berlin. I never thought I would find myself here, somehow I feel this city chose me. A human-alien who got no other place to belong to, With time the streets seemed smaller and the buildings cozier. I even start to understand the German instructions on the train, where I found myself between crowded people, faces I have never seen before, they are not my family nor my friends, rather they’re strangers that I have more in common with.

Thus, I have stopped feeling guilty when I make a decision nor to feel the need to have a little pause after every action I make because I am waiting for the criticism, or someone pointing “Emma breaking rules again”. But mostly, being a girl wasn’t dangerous anymore. I finally have a life that is mine, and even though new struggles surfaced, I am looking forward to facing them, I mean who cares about rent and career when you finally feeling alive.

Max Paronik

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