My second draft..... would like feed back

A TIME LOST NEVER TO BE RECAPTURED

It's a typical day in the warm heated breeze of the southern coastal bayou of delta life. Skies blue, the fields full of kids playing football, laughing, shoving, fighting for the ball. "Hey Faye, come on, we need another man." She ran over and stood on the frontline, waiting for a kickoff as they all gathered around and listened to the gameplay, hike, hike slap as they all ran to place.

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Faye is a strong six-year-old girl that was raised on a bayou south of Mobile, blonde, blue-eyed, tall for her age, athletic, but not that she cared. She was all about fun. The kids made fun of her because she was as muttered as a fifteen-year-old girl's body would be. So the boys loved when she was around 0, but the girls were snobs.

She is one of six living siblings and three that died at birth. There was Buster, Louise, Bobbie Jewel, Alice (Blondie), Faye, and Diane. None were close to Faye. There's a ten-year difference between Blondie and Faye. They had their own families except for Diane, the youngest Three years difference. And they were less than close due to Diane's being slow and indifferent. Her Mom had less than what most Mother's closeness with her children should be.

Jewel (her mom) had her own Bar, slept during the day, and was up at night. On her nights off, she played bingo. If she didn't have a babysitter, she would drag Faye and Diane off to the bingos for the night. We were left to play unattended outside along with all the bingo kids, some older, some younger. Remember, Faye is six, looks like going on fifteen.

Jewel was less than secure in that they never knew who would be sitting in the big chair. Buster, Louise, Bobbie, and Blondie had a different dad than Faye and Diane. Faye and Diane had different dads.

Faye's dad was a commercial fisherman post-Navy. When Faye was conceived, he took off. Then Charles came thru and along came Diane. Charles was a cook on an ocean liner and never came back. Many men came thru, then seven years later, Faye's dad returned (Buck). Faye had no love for him. She thought that Tom was her dad. He was around a lot when she was so little. She loved his presence. He was her Santa for years. The one that took her to Mardi Gra and held her when her mom wasn't there, keeping her warm and safe. Tom died the year she turned six.

That's The Who's and what's, back to the day close to the evening chill.

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A chill blew in as the blue skies turned dark, and time for them all to scram home. She was running as she heard her mom yelling for her.

When arriving home, her sisters were there with their kids, Jack (married to BobbieJewel) sitting in the oversized chair. He always makes her shiver when he is around. Being a grown six-year-old, grown girl, meaning she was already developed way beyond her time. He had this tic that made him jerk all the time. He smelled of musky sweat. He was tall, had dark hair, and had a nasty smile. He makes her feel dirty like she has never felt before.

Her Mom announced that she and her sisters were going into Mobile to play bingo and that Jack would babysit them. Her fear mounted. Her fear went higher and deeper than she had ever had to endure. Her face was a pale blue. her knees shaking and weak.

She could remember how he showed himself to her while riding in the back of their truck when they returned from the Island where they had been fishing and crabbing. She recalled how he would touch her in places that made her feel nasty. She would tell, but nobody would believe her.

After her Mom and her sisters ( Bobbie and Blondie) left, she found herself curled in a corner in her room, working on her homework, which was already finished. Going over her spelling words just to stay away from his sight. Her door opens. It's him! she can't move. He asks, "what are you doing back here alone? Come into the living room with the other kids, and we'll watch a movie." "No, I better stay here and study, no can't get homework to do." He insists she comes with a very stern voice that scared her!

She got up and followed him into the living room and sat on the floor as far as she could from him. "Come over here and show me your work. I'll check it." She wanted to crawl under the hard oak floor boards, but She got up and stood as far as her arm would let her stay away from him. But he grabbed her arm. She was caught now and afraid, shaking from head to toe.

He's grip strong, tight, with a purpose. Pulling her up in the chair with him, his fingers found the soft flesh of her untouched places of her childhood. She whimpered, and he told her he would kill Bobbie. if she ever told anybody what he was doing. She knew it would do no good to tell; nobody would care. Having told them about him already.

The other kids were all sitting a short distance away; she was trying not to scream, tears running down her face! None of the kids seem to care or notice her struggling. Wanted to run to break free, and at the same time, she was feeling things a six-year-old girl should never have to endure! She was ashamed, hurting as a child would, but now somehow not a child anymore.

Squirming till she got free and ran into the bathroom, locking the door and sitting on the floor with the tub running. A heated fog wrapped around her as the tub filled. Holding her in a safe but different, magical place where she was herself.

The door nob jiggled! "Open the door, Faye, now." she stayed back and hoped he couldn't get the door open! "Oh my god!" she said as it started to open. She cried out," please go away!!! go away!! I won't tell!" "No, you won't. I will kill Bobbie if you do." He forces his way in and takes her close off her frail body. Then rips flesh and rapes her over and over!

She was there, but it wasn't her as he was fondling and abusing her anymore; it was a girl she faded into, her mind split into herself and into Sally. Sally took the pain, humility, hate, anger, and loss!

Sally laid there as he was rough with her! Nasty! He smelled of must, sweat, cigarettes, and alcohol! Then he stood, cleaned the blood off himself, and left her alone. Sally took that and grew to hate that smell, putting it in the corner of her mind. Sally and her both hated men with a certain tic and that smell, and her Mother for leaving her in this situation!

When he finally left her, she tried to regain her body, bruised. bloody and battered. They slipped into the tub and scrubbed themselves til she was red. from scratch, trying to get him off her. She stayed in her room under the bed till she heard the door open and the chatter of her sisters and her Mom. Then fell asleep on the floor under my bed.

As a very young girl, she had lost her childhood, never knowing the innocents of a child no more. Anger, hurt, humiliation, and she was feeling unsafe all the time now. Hating being a word, she spoke under her breath and only to Sally about her night of hell. Sally was her safety. Now she could trust she would take all the hurt away. She never thought of the pain of that night again.

Instead of candy, football, games, and toys, she saw all the bad in the world. All she now saw was all the nasty men in the world, and it was all around. She just never knew how much till then.

As time went by, she and Sally stayed entangled a lot. Until, her mom sent her away as she did with all the girls in the family to either a man or in her case, out to her grannies (Big Momma).

This is where she first started dating, triple dating with her cousins Marie, two years her elder, and Linda, her own age fourteen. They would go to drive-in movies in an old ford panel station wagon that belonged to the Andrews family. Having to take all the kids in their family with them, There was only thirteen of them, but it was five bucks a car load. Then all the other kids would scramble to sit with their friends in the bleachers. Only a few stolen kisses and arms around us.

Larry drove and Linda by his side. The second seat was Tommy, and her back seat was Ralph and Marie, at least after all the kids bailed out. Then the back seat went down, and Ralph and Marie went at it. Larry and Linda slid down; all there were rocking and slurping sounds. Tommy and Faye could not see the movie because of the fog on the windows, so they went to the park in front to talk and where they could watch the movie. This was their first date ever.

Big Momma and Big Daddy had to meet Tommy before she could date him alone. He was seventeen. They wondered if he was too old. There were only two big families in the small country town of Malberry, Andrews, and Moseleys, and there were twenty-three kids plus Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and so on and so on. So in all, four cousins were dating four brothers.

Anyway, so Tommy came over for dinner. We got permission to go to the movies alone this coming weekend. After dinner, we went next door to Marie's, and Ralph was there. They found them leaning against the wall; if concrete could move to their rhythm Uncle Larence would have killed them, being he was a Preacher. So Faye took Tommy back thru the fence and sat at the picnic table. There they could talk and hug and kiss. It was much later that they started adventuring into quite soft lovemaking.

Faye married, and her husband was a good man, kind, and kept her as safe as Sally but not the same. They married young she was fifteen, and he was eighteen. He worked in construction, building large bridges.

She and Tommy were very happy and soon had a big boy. This brought them closer the ever. Faye found herself with a child again as Tommy's job moved back south to her home.

Two years later, he was crushed to death when a crane fell on the job and crushed him. She was alone again. She got thru this with Sally and her two playful boys (Christopher and Clarence).

In this class, you’ll be writing a short story of autobiographical fiction. It should be at least three pages (750 words). There’s no maximum page or word count, but try to make it a complete story (rather than the first chapter in a longer project).

You’ll draft the story through multiple mini-explorations that will help you brainstorm, draft, and revise your work. Upload these onto the class Skillshare page as you go!

Mini-explorations:

Brainstorming. Pick a negative emotion (e.g. anger, grief). Make a list of 5-7 times you felt that way. Put them on a scale, from least intense (1) to most intense (7). Focus in on one of those experiences to base your story off of. Write 250-750 words answering the following questions: Why did this experience matter enough to remember (i.e. why did it earn a spot on your scale)? And how did this experience change your life?
Inventing the Speaker. Create a protagonist based on yourself. Write a list of your protagonist’s age, gender, class, ethnicity, religion, geography, and politics. Next, write a list of their quirks—what are the details that make them unique? Finally, write down 1-3 of their flaws.
Identifying the Conflict. Distill the central conflict of your story into 1-2 sentences.
First Draft. The first time through your story: start the story at the introduction of the conflict from exercise 3, and end it at the conflict’s resolution.
Filling in Setting and Characters. For each setting in your story, make a list of every detail you can remember, describe from your protagonist’s point of view. Make another list, again from the protagonist’s point of view, describing the other characters.
Highlight Exposition. Going back into your first draft, highlight every line that’s exposition, and leave every line that’s “scene” alone. Your final draft should be about 80% scene and 20% exposition. If it tilts too heavily towards scene, add some expository writing—using exercise #1 as a starting point. If it tilts too heavily towards, exposition, add more scene—using exercise #5 as a starting point.

Your ProjectAutobiographical Fiction: Write a Short Story from Personal ExperienceHelen Brown

Helen Brown

LIFE IS BUT A DREAM

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