Completed Project for:

I did this mostly for my loved ones. To help them understand me. Also for myself. So I can better understand myself. I was originally going to write poetry about me trying to find purpose in life. But the inspiration to write about my depression came easier.

Poetry I: Introduction to Making Poems

By: Tentai Furea

A collection of poetry I have written about my depression. Living with it, trying to explain it, and dealing with the possible causes of it. For as long as I can remember I have struggled with depression. I wasn't diagnosed until 2015 when I dropped out of college. One of the many bad decisions I have made throughout my 21 years of life. Lately, I've been getting inspiration to write poetry to better explain my depression to people. And I don't try to sugarcoat it to make it easy to digest. I see no point in that. I want you to understand my raw feelings. This is important to me because it’s something I deal with every day. Something I try to explain to my parents and my boyfriend. Something I always swept under the rug because I just wanted to feel normal. Or at least pretend to be. Most of these poems came to me without much effort. Others have been swirling around me as I tried to catch them and put them on paper. They don't always cooperate but that's ok. As long as I eventually get them down.

15 Small Noticings

-Some days are easier than others.

-It feels like I have weights on my limbs.

-A fog that refuses to let me to the beauty of life.

-My bed is like a magnet.

-Very rarely I feel like crying but when I do its overwhelming and I try too hard "stay strong."

-I've gotten so used to pretending I don't know how to express my real feelings anymore.

-I may look okay when you see me but most of the time I feel empty inside.

-My smiles are often fake, my laughter is usually hollow

-I hear the same advice and I try to follow it but half the time I'm too tired and the fog wins.

-It's a mental battle that leaves me physically exhausted.

-Motivation is hard to hold on to. It's like a butterfly, beautiful but flutters on leaving you behind.

-Sometimes I feel like my depression isn't valid.

-It steals my energy, my confidence, my motivation. But I will not let it take my creativity or life.

-It took a long time for me to accept myself and believe that I am beautiful and talented. I still have doubts sometimes.

-Sometimes my thoughts scare me.

5 Selected Poems

"The Fog"

a day

is either

too beautiful

for me

to enjoy

or not

beautiful enough

for me

to be

happy

it’s like i have a veil of fog in front of me

obscuring my vision distorting the beauty around me

but i desperately want to see it and enjoy it

but the fog doesn’t go away

still i

pretend to

enjoy the

beauty around

me so

eventually i

can see

beyond the

Fog

"Radiate"

the sound of rain

radiates throughout my brain

explaining was all in vain

my thoughts go down the drain

i had to refrain

in order to stay sane

he will never understand

how i feel firsthand

buried my head in the sand

to scared to take a stand

his anger radiates in demand

for answers i do not command

"Goals"

I

always thought

that I would

become everything I dreamed

when I was a child

No one ever told me

that it would be

this fucking hard

to achieve

goals

"Freedom"

No other creature

has to make

the same choices

we do on the daily

No other creature

has to choose a path

they wish to walk

for the rest of their life

Like we do

They just exist

I desire

that freedom

to exist

"Won't Get Better For Me"

things will get better with time

they always say and sometimes

they are correct but when the

sadness lasts for months and

when the anxiety from not being

successful keeps you in bed paralyzed

by fear of trying again and again and

again and still getting nowhere don’t

hate me when i say and believe that

it won’t get better for me

Deja Hodge

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