Unconditional Love, Healthy Sex, and Freedom from Porn Addiction! | Jerry Banfield | Skillshare

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Unconditional Love, Healthy Sex, and Freedom from Porn Addiction!

teacher avatar Jerry Banfield, Teaches 105 Skillshare Classes

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Watch this class and thousands more

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Lessons in This Class

16 Lessons (2h 25m)
    • 1. Welcome to Feeling Loved!

      2:13
    • 2. What Help Is Here?

      4:20
    • 3. What is the best help I can hope to offer?

      6:12
    • 4. How is my life today?

      16:38
    • 5. The Helpful Nature of Judgement

      10:36
    • 6. Where did my disconnection from love and possibility for addiction begin?

      15:44
    • 7. Building great shame through natural desires and misdirection

      11:46
    • 8. An object in motion tends to stay in motion

      12:41
    • 9. Finding the love of my life did not fix my own problems

      14:50
    • 10. Beginning recovery for alcoholism leads to help with porn addiction

      8:08
    • 11. Changing the belief that watching porn is fun and provides pleasure

      12:23
    • 12. Reprogramming into watching porn as medical and painful

      10:49
    • 13. Watching porn impacts all other relationships in my life

      16:17
    • 14. The benefits of staying stopped

      17:13
    • 15. 12 steps to stay stopped one day at a time

      17:15
    • 16. Thank you for finishing the class! Would you help me make it better?

      2:00
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About This Class

Let me tell you a story in this class of how I changed a life filled with shame, feeling unloved, and hating the sex abilities of my body into a life founded upon a healthy sex life, feeling consistently loved, and experiencing freedom from the porn addiction that hurt me for more than ten years of my adult life.  Thank you for learning about this class and I hope it is helpful for you!

Meet Your Teacher

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Jerry Banfield

Teaches 105 Skillshare Classes

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You can become a MASTER OF DIGITAL MARKETING by following me on Skillshare and watching my classes each day!

BIO: 6 years sober, 4 years plant based diet, 7 years married, 4 years parenting, and 9 years as an entrepreneur online with 103 video classes on Skillshare, 21 books, 1082+ blog posts, 2,500+ YouTube videos, 1,000+ podcast episodes, and 70 songs on iTunes/Spotify!

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Transcripts

1. Welcome to Feeling Loved!: welcome to love, sex and freedom from porn addiction. Here with me. Jerry Banfield, Would you like to feel loved? That your body is something that's okay that it desires are a natural, healthy, happy part of life and that your a good person today who deserves to be loved and who makes other people around you feel loved? Would you like to learn with me from my experience with a porn addiction from 16 years old to 30 years old? What has finally been able to give me relief and allow me to fully experience the love and joy of having a healthy sex relationships today? Would you like to hear where I failed? What was difficult for me? Would you like to learn from my experience today in going through all of the struggles of a porn addiction, all of the resulting consequences in being unable to have completely healthy and happy relationships and feeling like I was an awful disgusting person inside? Would you like to hear how I made the transformation with the help of so many others into feeling like I'm loved feeling like my body is not wrong for wanting to have sex? Would you like to learn this with me today? I hope this will be a miracle in your life as all the help others have provided has produced a concrete miracle in my life over two years of freedom from porn addiction over two years of having the best and healthiest sex that I've ever known in my life. I want that for you. No matter how old you are or no matter what you've been through in life, no matter what you look like, or no matter what kind of love in your life you want would you start this with me? Would you take a leap of faith with me and watch or listen or read this and see what you can learn from it. Thank you so much for getting started. And I'm honored of the chance to continue this journey of life here today with you. 2. What Help Is Here?: thank you very much for starting this journey with me. What help is available here? I hope to identify some of the problems, some of the struggles that together through sharing this experience that we can be free of , that we can experience the full abundance of life enjoy today. Here, if you personally are struggling with things like compulsive porn watching and things that go along with it, such as what I will refer to instead of using the word is masturbation. I will refer to it as doing it yourself. If you're struggling with watching porn, are compulsively doing it yourself. If you're struggling with having a sexual behaviors that you find are healthy, for example, staying faithful or not going out and paying for someone to help you with it. If you're struggling with doing things to yourself that are painful or uncomfortable during sex, that result in lasting pain afterwards and hurting parts of your body. I've had experience with all of these different things myself, and I share what's worked for me to have a happy life today where I feel loved where I don't have to engage in these painful behaviors. If you're the partner of someone who's struggling with any of these things. I hope it'll be helpful here to share my experience with it, for the purpose of maybe you being able to love and understand your partner deeply. My wife has done an amazing job of loving me until I could love myself and it's hard. I would say it's much harder to be the partner watching someone go through this than it even is to go through it yourself. I hope this is helpful for you if you're the partner of someone struggling with these things. If you're single and struggling with loneliness, I hope what I share here with you, no matter how old or young you are, no matter what your preferences are in terms of sex, no matter what you look like, I hope this will be helpful for you to make you your most attractive to help you be in a position to find a healthy and happy loving relationship that makes a huge difference in your life and then the other person's life that you're able there to be a wonderful partner , that you're able to love them. Many of the things I share with you here have been helpful for others even dating in sixties and beyond or in dating and situations such as men dating men or in situations that you're moving on and trying to find a new relationship. I hope that having a healthy look at sex and understanding that you have a big need if you're like me to feel loved and that that's not wrong, I hope this will be helpful in feeling good about your body and being able to look in the mirror and feel so good about your body. You get motivated further and further to take loving care of your body, and that this may even carry over into other areas of life. What I see today is that all of my actions air connected. What I'm doing here, making this with you is a part of my own recovery. I've struggled with so many things I'll mention in here and making this is a part of me being able to continue to experience freedom from not just porn addiction but from all kinds of other awful shameful sexual behaviors. I'm grateful today that I feel worthy of love and that I feel other people are worthy of love. This well that I don't have to objectify every person I come across simply as seeing their sexual characteristics and nothing more than that. I'm grateful. I also feel comfortable noticing other people, sexual characteristics, both men and women. I'm grateful today that I have a family as a result of so many people who have helped me with exactly what I hope to be of service here helping you with thank you very much for starting out this journey with me. Will you take a leap of faith of me and continue even when it's uncomfortable? It continue deep through my journey, even if you don't see how it's immediately relevant and stick with this and give some of this a try in your own life? 3. What is the best help I can hope to offer?: I think the best teaching is by example, As I'm raising my daughter up, I realized that no more powerful teaching will I be able to do for her than to show her my example that what she will really learn from is what I do. And if what I say diverges from what I do, she will learn hypocrisy instead of whatever I'm trying to teach her what I'm going to do. Going forward here is simply share my own experience with you. Why? Because I'm not a scientist. I trust that there's other authors. There's other videos out there that will help you see the science of all these various brain chemistry and whatever happens when you look at porn or watch porn, or whenever you do things like pay for someone to help you with sex or you hire yourself out. I trust that there's already lots of good science out there, and there's lots of other people who are also hoping to help with the same thing. What I have to uniquely offer is my own personal experience that I feel is the most powerful teaching tool I can possibly give you. I have a lot of personal experience, both having an unhealthy life full of pain and not being able to find any sex. Lots of porn watching and feeling unloved. And I've got a lot of experience now with having a healthy, happy life where I have unconditional love, both to give and receive all day every day. And I have as much sex as I need. And I don't often want much more sex than I already have, which is amazing. And I have sex with my wife, which is just a miracle that then I've given up doing it myself, and I've given up watching porn, and that is a miracle to me today, especially after I share what I have been through in order to get here with you. Today, I have what I feel is a an ideal sex life. I have everything I've ever wanted. I have a much sex I want. It is very satisfying. It's fun, It's amazing. I have all of the things that I thought would make me happy for so much of my life. And today it's amazing that I can have all those things, and if I don't live the other areas of my life. Well, I still end up unhappy yet from the point of view of where I started having all these sexual dysfunctions in my life and I started not feeling loved. From that point of view, I've totally made it now. I'm very grateful to have that to share with you today, and my situation changes every day a little bit. My wife could pass away and I would be thrown out there in the world of dating and being single again. And yet, I'm afraid, have the courage to go back out there right away and to be a loving partner with another woman. I see that every day that life brings different circumstances in, and I'm grateful my wife and I adapt to that every day because I seeing my daughter grow up . I really want to be able to show her what a healthy, loving relationship is like between two people. Because while she has her own bedroom and she won't see the sex, so to speak, that she will see the effects of a healthy, loving relationship and that's what she will learn from, I hope and then she will know to be able to look for the same thing that Mom and dad had. I realized that my parents were a powerful teacher as to what I thought a relationship should be. And it took a lot of effort and learning an openness and pain to motivate me to try and learn ways to essentially improve upon the Onley thing I knew which was my parents relationship. It was shocking to find in the middle of my marriage that I didn't know how to be a partner without fault finding without looking at every little thing. My wife didn't saying, You shouldn't do this. You shouldn't do that. You need to do better. And these things all impact the sex life and these things all impact on being lonely or being single. These things all have an impact because if you change one thing, you change everything. Would you find at least one thing you like that you hear in my story either that you can identify with that I've changed Or maybe one thing in your own life that for example, you see, while he doesn't do that, maybe I'd like to not do that either. Would you identify one thing you'd like to change and take action on it. Actually change it. Just try it and see what happens. I've found it's not in life that I need tohave. The's big miraculous things happen. All I need to do is make a little gentle changes to my life, and I get gigantic rewards from it. Today, I woke up feeling awful. I took a cold shower for the first time that I can ever remember in the morning. And wow, I feel good now one little change like that gigantic result. I hope this is inspiring for you to find maybe one little change. If you find it just one little change. Would you please share your positive feedback on that in whatever form this takes? If you can leave a review, would you please leave a positive review? If you can just find one little change that help you in your life today, and especially if you can share that change with others, you might be able to help someone else, even just reading the reviews, to be able to experience the same result or to get motivated to say Okay, I'll try this. I will try this and see what happens. Thank you for getting started here with me. I'm excited to share my experience with you in sickness and in health. 4. How is my life today?: What does my love sex and freedom from porn addiction life look like today? I will give you an average day where I go through my day today. I'll, in fact, to share two of my recent days. I'll share yesterday and the day before yesterday. I woke up feeling pretty good. I went through my day. I said, I love you to my wife. Ah, lot of times and my daughter and I hugged her, and I feel happy in my own body. I'm not ashamed to see my own body naked or in the mirror, and that is amazing. I don't look in the mirror and feel like I'm disgusting person. I see a beautiful person in the mirror today. I see healthy, happy person today in that is amazing, especially after you hear all the other things that I'll share with you. I'm a grateful today that my daughter, when I change her diaper when I get her ready today that I'm comfortable seeing her naked body at a year and 1/2 old. I was not comfortable at first with it. I felt shame, and I felt fear, and I talked with my wife about that and it was quite uncomfortable. And yet once I talked with my wife about that, I felt a lot better. I'm grateful today that then I have the freedom to love unconditionally throughout each day that when I see people, I love them with the open heart, older, young, whatever they look like. I love freely with an open heart. And then I get curious when I see someone and I have a hard time loving them. For example, when I see someone who might be not of showered for a while and be a little overweight, and I have a hard time immediately loving them, I get curious as to what's blocking me from loving this person unconditionally. Often the hardest time I have loving unconditionally is when I see ah very attractive girl that I will trigger into fear. But now, instead of just sticking in that I generally snap out of it pretty quickly, and that's a miracle because I never got past. For most all attractive girls, all I could see was the attraction. Now, today I notice this all the little things I noticed earrings, how they have their hair. I noticed necklaces. I noticed things to be able to give compliments that aren't generic things like, Oh, you look nice today, but to say, Wow, I really enjoy it when you smile to be able to say compliments and give that unconditional love that just make people light up. Today I'm comfortable receiving compliments. The lady at the gym. I guess it was like a year ago now, she said, You are really looking good. When I first saw you, you were made a lot of improvement. Since then, I'd lost about £30 gotten a lot better shape. But I'm able to take a compliment like that today without getting obsessed with Herm being like Oh my God, she wants to sleep with me because I could not do that for most of my life. Today, I don't go through my day in fantasy thinking about sex all day. It's rare that I spend hardly any time thinking about sex now, because if I'm not about to have sex, why would I think about it? I'm grateful because that's a huge change. Most of my life, I thought about sex most all day, every day. The data, according to some study, I saw says Men think about sex on average every seven seconds. I do not think about sex very often now. In fact, I often am quick to dismiss a thought when it comes along, and I don't just fight or yell and scream out God. But when I see an attractive girl, ah, thought will come up, a desire will come up. A pain will come up that says, Oh my God, I'd love to, like, make a baby with her and have a family and it hurts toe Have that desire come up because that desire remains unfilled. In that scenario, I have learned a lot from reading Tick, not Hans Book about meditation. It says the monk, who knows when desire arises and who knows the feeling of desire fading. If you know how desire arises and you know how desire fades, then you don't have to be controlled over desire. Today I don't fight. When I see an attractive girl, I usually don't fight. Sometimes I dio, but usually I don't. And sometimes I look if a girl bends over and her cleavage comes out and I might build the same nipple, sure, sometimes my eyes look and now I don't feel bad about it or fantasized about it or do it myself over it. I'm actually a thankful I say, Well, that was nice. I look at that is like a gift that was offered me on an unconscious level, and at the same time I realized that's a challenge. I used to feel ashamed of myself when I noticed other attractive girls, and I used to deny that I noticed other attractive guys. Today, I am comfortable noticing other attractive guys, and I'm a comfortable noticing when other girls air attractive at the same time. I don't feel the compulsion to try and get with them, which is good, because I'm a married man. I've been married for four years. Here's the trick, though. Just getting married does not alter hardly anything for in my experience, all the things all these behaviors I had when I was single, the compulsive need to try and have sex with any girl who might possibly allow it. Those don't go away just because you found someone. In fact, often they'll seem to go away. But after you've been comfortable and loving and safe, they'll come back out and I'm grateful today that that are urge that compulsion has been removed from me. I'm grateful I've been able to be a faithful husband, even though I've had so many thoughts about other women and other men here and there today . I'm grateful that I have honesty about these things that I'm comfortable sharing these things instead of feeling like that. I have to keep things like that to myself today. I'm grateful that I'm willing to love even when it hurts, Essentially, when there's family members or friends who I find very attractive that I don't just get totally lost in fantasies, that I'm able to be around them and to notice more than that, I'm able for the first time in my life today to have friends in my life who are women most of my adult life. I could not have a friend who was a woman, because the only use I saw was toe have sex. Most of my adult life was lived with no female friends and very few even attachments to a female family members other than my mom, which I often would create a bunch of drama and today this benefit that I've received. All of the work I've done in my sex life has allowed me to have a better relationship with my mother. Because it allows me love my mother unconditionally to not try and fix my mom or change my mom like I would with lots of the girls I dated. But to just love her to not fault find my mother the way my father did and the way I would consistently fault find my wife. But to just love my mother as she is, I feel that my relationship with my mother is a good indication of my relationship with all other women. And if I can't unconditionally love my mother and be willing to let her go to say, Look, Mom, if you to just I had a time when I didn't talk to my mom for a little while out of love, like mom. I'm not helping you right now. I am here and I love you. But I'm not gonna demand you Stay here. And I'm grateful today toe have just an amazing life. Better than I've ever known before. And I hope especially the contrast of that with what I share with you will be useful for you as I look into what my life used to be like. And at the same time, I'm no good person today because in order for me to say I'm a good person today, I have to then say that I used to be a bad person. I used to be this awful, shameful person who did it himself all over the place, who fantasized all these nasty things about women who payed to get help with his sexual desires. I would have to condemn who I was before the Sam Ago person. Today I am an ordinary person today who's grateful Toe have a happy and healthy life. I like the word healthy because the way I used to live was definitely unhealthy in terms of what I did made me sick. What I did made me feel bad. And today what I do makes me feel really good. Well, Jerry, you said you give us an account. Yes, I'll tell you my last two days, which these are an absolute miracle as I went through yesterday a very smooth day, No problems the whole day, wonderful day. And then I had some quality time with my wife right before bed and that's amazing today and sure, my mind brings up thoughts off others. Then, of course, it relates my wife's body to the bodies of others. And today I'm grateful to see that it's good that I have a very healthy desire with my wife because I used to be really ashamed off. I would often I'd have girls that I'd be with, and I would really try and just think of a different girl while I was being intimate with them. And today my mind, I see it really wants to help me to have the best experience. And if I'm not having the optimal sex experience, I start asking the question. What can I do to make this the best sex ever? What can I dio to give openly? What can I do love unconditionally? What can I do to make this the most amazing sex ever? And that allows me I pay attention to what I'm doing now For most of the time, if ah thought comes in while that other goals really hot, then I focus on the desire I have that I can notice that another girl's attractive because I noticed my wife's attractive. That same programming that helps me to have great sex with my wife is what also allows me to notice Other women are attractive, that I can't not notice other women are attractive and still have that strong desire for my wife. I'm grateful today that, Ah thought here, there comes in and it doesn't make me feel ashamed, and I don't completely go into that like, all right, I just wish I was having sex with that other girl instead of my wife. I do this because I've made the mistake so many times, and I'm grateful today I have better sex than I've ever known before. And it's very regular anywhere from every day to every five days. If there's just been a something like a sickness or a baby being born at the lowest, it's been every five days or so and that to me that is a healthy sex life. I think if you live with someone, especially you should be having sex in a minimum of once a week. Now I hate that. I even said the word should right there for me. I think having sex once a week is essential, especially if I have a partner. I think having that sex, that's to me. That's one of those things that is exclusive. One of the few things that's exclusive minute relationship. I think that's important to me. If you have a healthy sex life, it's easy toe. Have regular sex. If you have all these dysfunctional issues, it's difficult. And today I'm even comfortable if we usually have sex every other day or so if we miss the night or if we do it more often. When my wife and I were first together, I think both of us out of fear or out of love or passion, I don't know. But we almost every night we had sex and it was like if we didn't have sex were both word, the relationship was going to fall apart. I think my wife realized what a sex addiction I had. She just figured if she gave me all I can handle, I wouldn't need to go anywhere else and that that worked. That absolutely worked. But at some point you've got to balance things out a bit that's not sustainable indefinitely. Or maybe it is, I don't know. I'll tell you about the day before? A swell. The day before I woke up and my family member had a gender reveal party, which was nice. We went over there. I created a little bit of drama in my work, and I felt a little bit uncomfortable about that throughout the day. And I was a little reserved at the family party. I went to an at night after reading a parenting book. This pain came out. Now my wife and I often are intimate once every a couple of days right now and last night, right before bed. Not last night. Now I'm the night before. We both got a little upset with each other. Just a little tension, not screaming arguments or anything. A little tension before bed and I ended up we instead of having sex, I held my wife's hand. I think I cried a little bit and we made up before we went to sleep without having sex. And then I didn't feel mad about that. And that is amazing. I used to absolutely have this horrible wrath If my wife and I got mad and went to bed without having sex one night. My gosh, those used to be days. I'd haven't all day drinking weather the next day or I just be a lunatic. If I was actually sober, I'd go yell and scream and sleep in the other room. And today congrats, Feli. Get through a little bump in the road, You might say Ah, little night of a gentle, tiniest little tension disagreement argument that results in not having sex on an expected night. I get through that gracefully now. I personally would rather keep all these details of my own life to myself. I have fear than what If my wife doesn't like this level of sharing. What if you judge me? What I've found is that when I openly and honestly share my life out of service to you, that's really helpful for me. If I want to keep having a wonderful life filled with love and sex and freedom from porn addiction, I find it's essential. I continue sharing my experience. Both the healthy experience today and all the unhealthy experience I've been through in the past, I've been through a lot of different unhealthy experiences, and I'm grateful today what I shares just a miracle I share this upfront with you to give you perspective, Teoh. Provide something to aim at, so to speak if you don't have it. This is a healthier sex life, a healthy relationship than I've ever known or ever seen. I hope that this is inspirational for you to see that you can have a life today that is beyond your wildest dreams. Or if this is already close to where you're at that there's always room to make a little improvements I share. This is a part of my journey to keep making little improvements. Thank you very much for experiencing this with me. I love you and hope this has been helpful for you. 5. The Helpful Nature of Judgement: for having a wonderful life today. I find that being aware off judgment helps me see exactly the opportunities I have to improve. What I find is that the way I used to live my life in the behaviors that went along with that, such as all these shameful sexual behaviors I share with you and my addiction to not just porn but sex Generally, I found that I was also extremely judgmental of other people. I would look at other people's anywhere from seeing things they're reading things online to or poor, knows Ordo. Anything people told me, especially if I had friends or family members who ever had thought to mention some of the things they did or the issues they were having. I was really judgmental, like your growth for doing matter, your nasty for wanting that or I remember reading the Bible is a great example of this. I started trying to read the Bible in 2000 and 13 and all I saw in the Bible in Genesis were disgusting people. Oh, that's so disgusting. He had a daughter with his daughter and he looked at this disgusting guy. He has four wives, and he has Children with his two wives, and then he has Children with their concubines or handmaidens. This is disgusting that in my life was a reflection of unheated ILD hurt and opportunities for improvement for me personally, I think this because I've started reading the Bible again four years later, and I found I don't have those same judgments. In fact, I find it interesting that, well, that's interesting. He had two wives that were sisters, and then each of them found a reason to have a handmaiden of theirs have a child for him. That's interesting how that works. Instead of reading it with condemnation, I read it with curiosity. Well, that's weird that he had a wife and then she went barren. So he had a child with another woman. But then he went back to his wife and is also interesting. What I find is that when I'm in judgment of others that I'm really condemning myself and even if it's things that you might think are pushing the limits out there of morality, if I look around and see people going to prison for various things related to sex, if I reach out and judge them and say that disgusting, filthy, perfect. Then there's something in me that's condemned. That's not right. And that helped me today not just to diagnose what's going on inside me, but it also helps me to not judges much. Because now my mind knows that if it shoots an arrow out at someone else, I'm going to look back in and say, Where did that come from? Why are we firing that arrow out at some person who we don't know who has never done anything to us personally and who all we've done is got here, Say about from other sources? Why are we condemning that person and saying yes, they should go to prison forever for whatever it waas, what in me feels wrong about that? And then I will notice all you thought about doing the things that person did before, haven't you? Well, yes, I have. Okay, well, that's why you feel the need to condemn them. Because they did something you've thought about doing before. But didn't dio Shouldn't you be grateful that you didn't do what they did? Instead of condemning them for actually doing it? Wouldn't you have possibly done it if you hadn't had so many people in your life who have loved you, who cared about You have been there to support you? Well, yes. But for the grace of God, there go you on the news. Or if it hadn't been so much grace in your life there, you'd go right there. Ah, yes. There's no need for me to judge and bring others down. As you listen to my story, there may be things that you is here. Oh, God, he's disgusting. And these are opportunities four enlightenment in yourself if you're anything like me. I had a lady approached me once at a meeting and she said, I can't stand your talk about sex stuff in the middle of these meetings because these air just supposed to be about alcohol. And then a few meanings later, she managed to find a way to bring up something pretty nasty herself. And the amazing thing is that I was ableto love her the whole time it to not judge her and say, Well, you shouldn't be telling me what to do now. It's not that My mind, it didn't think of that response. I didn't act on it. I remembered how I would deliver a message like that from a place where I needed to work on something. I'm grateful today that my life has a fraction of the judgment it used to because I've looked at so many of these things and myself. And therefore, when I look out at the world now, I see a world full of people that are loving and doing their best, and these sexual issues can be really tough. And in my experience, other people are the best chance that I've had at healing them. I had an impulse. I have paid for help with my sex plenty of times in my life as a single man. And after going Alcoholics Anonymous and after months of not drinking, I started getting all these crazy ideas in my head to essentially switch addictions and to start going and picking up women on the street. Now, this was just in my head and it was horrible because I had a wife. I still do. Thank God and I had a daughter, and these things were just coming out of nowhere, and I felt disgusting about them. And guess what? I talked to other men in my group and one of the men, he said. After I stopped drinking, I had an addiction to picking up women on the street for years, and that was horrible. He said he'd be praying to God on the way back from a meeting to not stop and pick up a woman. And then what would he do? He'd see one. He'd picked her up and he'd go through with it. And after talking to him, I realized that this was just a normal impulse, that having quit one addiction, my mind was desperate to go into another addiction. And after seeing his experience with that addiction, I didn't feel like a disgusting person for having these thoughts go through my head and then guess what? The thoughts stopped coming after that, especially after I told him I said, Look, I don't know why I've been faithful to my wife. I haven't done anything like that. As a married man. I went to the strip club with my friends a couple of times and I felt horrible and disgusting about that, and that is good was good motivation to get sober, and I talked to him. I said, Why do I have these thoughts? These air Ridiculous. I have everything I want at home. My wife is wonderful, infinitely generous with me. Why do I have these thoughts? And he said, Those air normal man, you're experiencing your thoughts. You need to deal with these things in your life. And then I realized why I'm having these thoughts because I'm really still judging myself for what I did before, and the more talked about these things with other people, often people I didn't know who weren't family members who I met in a. But you can meet people. There's all kinds of people you can meet all over the place who have been through the same kinds of things I had. A lady sent me an email one day after my podcast. She says that she had been through, huh, multiple husbands, both of which had had that same issue. And even though she gave them everything they wanted in bed, they still felt the need, the compulsion, the addiction, whether they wanted to or not to go out and find women on the street. And thank God I was willing both to talk about that and that I had men who shared their experience with the same thing. All kinds of inappropriate desires coming into my head. And today I'm ruthless about sharing them because as soon as I start having a thought come into my head, I throw in another thought. I say, Is this something you'd like to tell someone about? You're having a fantasy about a family member. Do you want to talk about this with someone else? And then from there, it's not so much fun anymore. And I do talk about it with other people. I have men that I can talk to about these things. And then I don't get these thoughts swirling around in my head over and over and over again , because the idea of outing them doesn't make them sound very attractive anymore. And often a small thought will come. And as soon as I shine the light of my consciousness onto it, it will go hide. It doesn't want to be exposed. It wants to be nurtured and grown in secrecy and shame. And I'm grateful today toe have this to share with you because it is extremely powerful for me in having a life where I feel okay where I feel like I'm a good enough person today. Not that I'm a great better than anyone else. Not that I'm a disgusting or worse than anyone else that I'm just a ordinary human being today who has normal and healthy sexual desires that sometimes get a bit misguided given the current system we live in and that one shared with another person don't seem so unreasonable. I hope this is useful for you not just here with me, but with anything else to me today, looking at judgment, that is how I get better. And at the same time it hurts when that judgmental thoughts fired out about another person that kind of feels good at first. Look at him. Look at her. She's so blah, blah, blah. Okay, Jerry, what's going on inside you that needs to be looked at? Thank you very much for experiencing it. This with me, this has been one of the most transformative areas of my life. It's helped me feel so much better about everything, and I pray I hope this is useful for you in doing the same 6. Where did my disconnection from love and possibility for addiction begin?: Where did it all begin? For me, it's crazy to think how far back you can go with these things. You could go all the way back to previous lifetimes or in the womb, our experiences as an infant or things that happen in early childhood. How do we end up getting in a position where we feel like our bodies air disgusting. We don't deserve to be loved where sex is something shameful and where we have to satisfy our desires by looking at adult movies. For me, there were a few different things that happened in my life that might have contributed to it. They might not as well. When I was three or four years old, I had a baby sitter who touched my private parts in away. They might not have been appropriate. I told my father about it after her mom and dad came home from their date, and we didn't have that baby sitter again. I had another boy in elementary school that I ended up messing around with, and we got in trouble and my dad was so mad he grounded me for a month. Why wasn't allowed to eat with the family I had to come straight home from school and stay in my room and write lines. Whatever he told me. One thing he told me to write was obedience is to obey. And he had me write things like that thousands of times in my room alone for over a month before Mom finally came around and said, This is crazy. It's time for him to be back in the family. At that point, I had a pretty low definition of my body of it is this thing that had these repulsive features to it that could easily be stimulated by others and that I could get in trouble for exploring and how war my parents raised. I would guess they raised me better than they were raised themselves by 13 years old. I got the uncomfortable feeling that comes from puberty, and I figured out the easy way to relieve it. After years of struggling with desire, I figured the simple solution was just to relieve the pressure, so to speak, whenever it built up and no, simply accommodate that. In my life, I hadn't seen any adult movies or any pictures or anything until I was maybe 14 or 15 years old when the Duke Nukem game that my mom had on her work laptop. If you gave the strippers money in the game, they would show you some pixelated boobs in exchange. And I thought that was amazing at 13 or 14 15 years old. Whatever it was, I managed to pause the game and figure out how to take a screenshot when that happened and even printed that out. And that was how I got started with what you might call adult movies or porn today, how long is it may be almost 20 years later. Today, the average boy, according to the data I've seen, sees their first a porn or adult movie at 10 years old. That's on average. That means there's five in six year olds on Dad's iPhone. Or maybe Mom's iPhone watching movies, adult movies at five or six years old and then other late bloomers may be like me and not make it until 13 or 14. The point is adult movies and porn, especially for little boys, but I would imagine it's growing for little girls to are increasingly becoming normal. Not that your deviant forgetting the whole event and I don't think it's been like that for a long time. I imagine my dad was trying to get a hold of a adult magazine, and he probably had a hold of them well, before I got a hold of the Duke Nuke, um, strippers in my life. I didn't see my first riel porno, you might say, until 16 years old. It was called See Through with the beginning of the movie, having a guy in a green screen or green suit basically so that he melted into the background. Except one part of them did not. And that was I watched that at my friends house of Family Friends House. I was really mad. They had me stay in the basement. My whole family was visiting a family friend, and they had me stay in the basement of the house while the all everyone else slept upstairs. The two friends who lived there the master bedroom, moves upstairs, and they had two guest bedrooms upstairs, and my parents took one of my brother, took the other one, and I was so resentful I got stuck down in the basement where the entertainment center was until one night I looked through the laser discs and was shocked to discover porn. Now, the people who live there didn't have any Children, so they probably didn't see the need tohave their laser discs on porn put up somewhere. And I remember how guilty and ashamed I was putting the poner on. And yet I was so excited because up until this point, I hadn't seen a woman naked besides walking in by accident on my mother as a child in when she got out of the shower and I didn't remember what that even looked like very well, and I then got to see all these women naked in this porn on. I thought, Wow, I want to do this as often as possible. By then, there weren't all these free porn websites or places to get the Internet and just download images. It was difficult back then for me, at least, a 16 year old to get a hold of any porn. I didn't hardly get to see another porn for quite a while after that, when I went to college, though, I had free access to all the porn I could handle, and that's where I made an addiction. What you can see, though, is that I was certainly predisposition to have an addiction to watching adult movies, even though by 18 I didn't have any porn addiction. I was ready to have an addiction based on how I felt about my body, how I looked at life and the cravings to both see people naked, which I think is a perfectly normal thing, that we go around and we cover our bodies up in shame. I was reading the Bible in Genesis, it says in the very beginning, and Adam and Eve the man and his wife were naked in the Garden of Eden, and they were not ashamed. They didn't feel bad with their naked bodies around each other. Once they ate of the fruit, the tree, which gave them the knowledge of good and evil with the tree of knowledge. All of a sudden, the world split. When you're a whole person and you see just one whole world, things don't look good or bad. And once you eat this knowledge that OK, it's good for me to have clothes on out in public. It's bad for me not to have closed. I'm in public then all these things start becoming good and bad while watching porn must be bad, although for lots of my life, I thought on the surface it must be good because I thought I liked it, but really, I felt bad about doing it. I've heard that dolphins who sound like they're more advanced than humans. If you talk to the people, have actually researched them. And don't assume that humans are better. The dolphins apparently have these gigantic parties where the dolphins just all have sex with each other every kind of way you could do it. You can imagine there's all sizes and shapes, all different things going on. And they just have these huge parties in the ocean where I guess they all have sex. And I think a lot of us as human beings, we feel stifled. We feel repressed. We feel like where we have these desires, the desires which are good. Our desires are good in the sense that we want to procreate and create more little humans and even his Children more curious about what our bodies conduce. Oh, and yet then we're told all these things that are bad. Often parents do it completely unconsciously, I was apparent. Now I see how easy it is to just without even thinking my daughter gets a little curious about her body and how easy it would be to just I'll stop that or toe communicate that her body is really something nasty that she should be ashamed off. And I think a lot of us have been raised up that way that our bodies air nasty. They have these nasty urges, and we should be ashamed of them. And we seek a release. We seek a place where we can simply see all the bodies naked and doing all these different things. The problem is, watching porn puts us in a very unnatural environment. I used to like a lot of the porn, so we're more like just normal people having sex and where there was actually a little bit of love. They're kind of like a home movie. I think a lot of us as infants were supposed to be, according to some of the Indians and who I read the continuum concept. The lady that wrote that said that the infants are actually in the bed while their parents have sex and the infant. I guess I don't know exactly how they do. This may be the infants. The mothers like holding the infant as the infant sleeps or while they have sex. There may be some need in us as infants to understand these things. And since most of us are isolated as infants, then we grow up with this need that we want to understand sex, and we want to know what it looks like. Whereas if you'd been there when your parents had sex, so to speak, if you just bend in the bed with them holding on near mother or something, you'd have kind of this visceral understanding about sex of how things work. And it wouldn't be this mysterious or nasty thing. It would seem a perfectly natural thing, just like going to the bathroom or just like fetching water from the river, just like having dinner. It wouldn't be this taboo subject that's so confusing and that so shrouded. I'm amazed in the USA how many people, how much we focus on sex, and yet how unsatisfied the average person is. I frequently talk to people they haven't had sex in months or years, and meanwhile were surrounding the culture where sex is in almost everything. Is this a big part of how I got to be prone to a porn addiction? By this standard? I would think most young men and most men growing up that don't deal with this at some point are very prone to a porn addiction. I think the rate we raised little boys makes little boys very vulnerable to a porn addiction, especially then socially, when it only takes one boy with the porn addiction, say, in college, it only takes one boy who likes watching porn to then draw. Some of the other little boys are by then 18 20 year olds to draw them in. I got drawn in significantly in college by watching porn with others. In fact, a lot of the nastier things I saw I started down that path, watching with other guys who were in not something's who were much nastier than when I generally watched. I'm grateful today that I have the courage to explore this with you, because as we continue to raise up our Children as I'm raising a daughter was year and 1/2 old, I would like her to be able to meet a man who has things a little easier than I did. Who is able to feel real good about his body Because all these nasty things all these things we hate all these problems all start from feeling disgusting about our bodies. And I'm grateful today that I feel good about my body when my body does things, I feel good about it. I'm happy that I can get aroused today instead of feeling ashamed of it like Oh my God, Not now. Like when I used to wake up in the morning and I had to go to work like God so annoying. So I think these issues go way back. I think these air gigantic things that on an individual level weaken, be empowered to fix while we may have been raised. And you could look at it from a victim mindset that many of us were raised up, that ah, porn addiction was pretty much inevitable given the technology coming along with him. And yet, today we have a choice. I have a choice today, even just before this I search for on the stock photo website I used I searched for several different terms in order to find a background photo for this and what happened. I just threw in the word adult in there and I find lots of scantily clad women, not women who are naked but pretty close to it. And just unconsciously, I click and take a look through a few of the photos and I'm like, That's nice. That's nice. And like, Wait a minute. Are we looking for photos for the class here, or are we looking and hoping to get a little vicarious pleasure out of seeing women who don't have much to where? Now, that's not necessarily a problem per se, but in my view, that's not the best use of my time. And I'd rather not get into temptation, because how easy would it be for me to go start searching for something else on another website, I ended up with the background picture. It looks like a rocket launch, which might be kind of funny, given that I picked this background picture for where did it all starts? I'm grateful that you've experienced this with me. I hope just honestly sharing my story from the heart is useful for you because I'm not editing this. I'm not trying to make this sound pretty. I'm not scripting it or writing and out in a certain way. I'm just honestly, sharing from the heart what it was like because I find that style works really well for me . I don't want to hear some scripted version of someone's life. Were all there little in antiquities air taken out of there. Or maybe one is carefully left. Ian, I like hearing just the raw story, because to me, that's where the truth comes for through. I hope exploring some of these things is helpful in looking at where I got started, where I was prone to a porn addiction as a little boy raised up how most little boys are. And I'm grateful that we're here today doing this work together. 7. Building great shame through natural desires and misdirection: for me. I had a compulsion in the body that porn was a helpful companion. Four, so to speak, to begin with. Even before hardly watched any adult movies, I often would just fantasize in my mind using whatever imagery I could come up with. You see the propensity for porn addiction and me at least, was directly related to how I responded to it. And it required that I fantasize first and consistently live in fantasy adult movies, then were a great transition and more powerful way of diving into fantasy than just thinking about things in my mind and doing whatever I needed to do to get a little bit of relief. The problem was that porn made what already felt bad. Much worse. I felt bad enough just fantasizing in my head without adult movies thinking about girls, I'd see it. School are occasionally a guy that I'd see it school and then going to college, fantasizing about girls I was dating or going to try and meet, or some girl I'd see on the street or whatever it waas. Once I went to college and had free access to be able to download adult movies all that I could download for free. Then this spiral of shame continued to get worse and worse and worse, where I felt more and more and more disgusting about the natural urges and desires in my body because then off interacting with different adult movies, you could only feel so bad about yourself just doing it, taking care of your own urges and cravings without some kind of outside influence. And for me, thankfully, I got to feel so bad that the pain was great enough that I was motivated to seek help for it. Now it took a long time for the pain to be great enough, and for me to recognize that help was available, that I didn't have to simply continue being the same way I waas. How did things that go from just looking at an occasional adult movie here, having what you might call a teenager's nor all moral obsession with their body? How did that transfer into me feeling this horrible sense of shame and getting into Mawr and Mawr deviant behavior? When it came to my sexuality and the adult movies I watched for me, it started with all of the illegal download websites in college when I was in college, they didn't have all these websites like they do now, where you could just watch adult movies completely for free without having to download them essentially from another user. When I first saw auto download adult movies, I simply wanted to see a man and a woman naked and having sex. That's all I wanted to see. However, it wasn't that simple with the download programs, when you put in something like you just type in porn, whatever the title said often had no relation to what you actually got to download. Why? Because simple file changing over all the different times someone would change a file name to be funny. Or someone would say, Well, this is a better description and people would do all these different things that a file names. Sometimes people would intentionally change the file names in order to get you to watch whatever they wanted you to watch. It was frequent download something that would say some title like Man s sex with woman or hot MILF, whatever some very normal sounding title and then you open it up, and that's not what you are seeing at all. I frequently would get trolled with the ones that suggested strongly by the title that it was a man and a woman. And then you'd open it up and there'd be a man, and then there'd be another man and there never get around to being another woman in it. It was just too are often several guys in it. I didn't seek to try and watch just men having sex. But as of course of downloading all these videos for free, it very often would happen that you wouldn't know what you were getting into until you'd already start watching it. And sometimes I would just like a train wreck. Keep watching. Whatever happened to show the problem was that a lot of users new, uh, this exact thing and they would intentionally try and put the all these different things. And as I continue just trying to download men and women having sex normal porn, I consistently got exposed to all these other different types of porn, many of which were shocking, disgusting and then even just having seen a little bit of it in turning and often discussed or in revulsion, even just seeing a little bit of it of these different things promoted the not only curiosity but promoted this horrible feeling of disgust like, Oh my God, you just saw that. And now you're really filthy person. And the unbelievable irony of that is that then there'd be curiosity, especially if you just close something right away. As with many of the gay ones, I closed those right away, and over time I continue to get more curious. And then I ended up actually searching and looking for gay porn on purpose. I didn't start out that way, but over time just going through this cycle over and over again with downloading all of these illegal movies and then many of them being misnamed and exposing you, I consistently got into what you might say worse and worse and worse when that combined with watching porn with other guys and occasionally not very often, but occasionally with some girls. Then the curiosity continued to grow even more. This same thing it happened with lots of the other guys I went to college with, they probably search, started out just the same way I did, and they saw different types of disgusting porn and I say disgusting because I feel like that's how the mind communicates it, Really. They're all just images on a screen. The same is I'm There's an image on the screen with me. I'm just an image on the screen, really. These are all just images on the screen. It's all some mind world we've all created, and we sit there with our knowledge of good evil and say, Well, that porn is not as bad is that porn and that porn's much better than this point in this point. This is the absolute worst of any porn you can watch except for this one. And then this is even worse. And that one's about is bad. And this one. You see, we sit there and we judge all these things I communicate in the same way I felt, and I hope to share that anything. Whatever you come across, it's just images on a screen, and it helped me to keep that in perspective, as I then interact with the rest of my real life. Back when I was watching all of these adult movies, these images on a screen or a big part of who I waas, I felt based on what I saw, that that determined what kind of person I am. And even if I didn't mean to see something, then because I'd seen that now that's a part of who I am. And that's some shameful secret. Amazingly, then I started watching Don't movies with some of the guys friends I hung out with because some of the guy friends I hung out with they just liked toe watch. Or sometimes they would follow up with the corresponding action in her body. But some of the guys I knew just like toe watch and they wouldn't get all stimulated me. I mean, I figured watching adult movie was a means to assist with an end I didn't see it is something that was just worth doing essentially socially. Until then, I started watching with some of the other guys would all congregate in one guy's room and shut the door, and over time, the same process happening to a bunch of different guys. One guy sees this type on. Another guy sees this type of porn and you put all those together and among all the different guys, we collectively into about everything you can imagine I washed one up porn with one of my friends one night, and I remember also disgusting that I don't know how I didn't throw up, and yet I felt this peer pressure and not just leave and go away. But there were the other guys sitting there watching the same thing. And then from there, I continue to get this greater and greater need for stimulation, a sense to see these things that I hadn't seen before. And I guess that's how all these different neech types of crazy porn get filmed because then you watch, like with other people, and you continue to do this process over time, and it's very easy to feel like a really nasty person. Finally, by the end of college, I felt like a really nasty person, having seen so many different kinds of these images and movies online after having experienced very few things in my own sex life. But having felt like vicariously, I experienced all these different things to watching these movies. I also found it very challenging. The actually enjoy sex. I found I almost always would think of even with a after the first few times with one girl , I very easily would drift into fantasy and be thinking about another girl when I was having sex with one. I was with this to me is one of the things I can't stand about adult movies. And fantasizing generally is that compulsion to never have enough, even in the middle of a sex act, to be thinking about how it could be better with someone else. And that, to me, is one of the things that motivated me to make this class because I realized what today I'm grateful to have been given gigantic relief from the ability to actually focus and pay attention to what I'm doing in the moment. I want you to have that opportunity because this, to me, is huge for happiness. All these sex issues for me got tied up in unhappiness. I feel like a lot of people if you got down low bottom A. Why they're unhappy had come back to some basic need, like sex that's been horribly frustrated in their lives. And I'm grateful today that for me, in looking at all these sex things, I have a very happy life today, and I'm grateful today to not look at judge and condemn the things that I've been through. But to see that I've got tools for service. Now I have something to share that I hope is helpful here for you. 8. An object in motion tends to stay in motion: In physics terms, an object tends to stay in motion that is in motion. Or you may have heard that an object in motion stays in motion with me. What I experienced going off to college set me off in motion in a direction that continued indefinitely without intervention. As long as I didn't stop, look around, see what was going on. See how was impacting May. I continued to repeat essentially the same cycle I'd been through and developed in college with my porn addiction, even as my circumstances continued to change. Having steady girlfriend at the end of college and graduating from college didn't stop my porn addiction. I had thought things like watching adult movies might just be some kind of harmless thing that would go away, or some kind of curiosity that would be satisfied at some point, especially if I had an actual girl to hang out with. When I first started seeing adult movies, it would be years until I'd actually get to see a real girl naked and have sex with her. The corresponding experience then was extremely disappointing. After seeing a whole bunch of adult movies, with many of them having beautiful women, many of them not actually having the experience itself, was quite disappointing by comparison. When you've been in the middle of thousands of fantasies and you've seen thousands of other sexual encounters and all these different things the actual experience, then especially being 18 years old with another 19 for me, a 19 years old with an 18 year old with very little experience it was quite disappointing compared to watching all the different pour nos and seeing what they did in those as I continued to go forward in my life without looking directly at these things without stopping and saying, Look, what's going on with my porn addiction? What am I doing about that? How do I want this to be in my life without, especially without talking anyone? The Onley time I would ever mention things about watching porn would be like joking with the guys at the bar. I didn't stop to talk to anyone about watching all these adult movies until I was 30 years old in Alcoholics Anonymous. I started watching them. I saw my 1st 1 It's 16 and after having some social activity watching adult movies with guys in college in my early twenties. I then just continued on autopilot, essentially for 10 more years, and the problem was that no difference in my life did anything more than create a temporary relief, for example, and I started dating my wife. She is so amazing that just being with her suppressed all these different desires. And all these cravings for adult movies were suppressed for quite a while. Being with my wife, The problem is you get used to anything, anything that you have in your life on a daily basis. It takes conscious effort to still have gratitude for it, because our brains are programmed to take in to look for novel things, to make sure we notice anything that's out of place. That's a simple, primitive safety feature we have built in, and that allows us to essentially take things for granted very quickly. And even when I was first dating my wife, I only got to see her a couple of times a week. I was quite lonely on lots of the other days when she wasn't around, and I would be watching adult movies in my dorm room in graduate school by myself. Then what the end of my porn addiction looked like was very similar. Two after it got going in college after it got nurtured with downloading all those free porn's with the difference being as an adult, I made this conscious decision that I better stick to certain types off safe porn, essentially pretty much just men and women having normal sex with maybe an occasional gay porn here or there. But sticking to the normal, safe, healthier version important after years on after college on autopilot, just continuing to follow the same habits I developed in college, watching all different kinds of nasty porn or deviant porn or whatever you want to call it , things that are significantly different than just a man who loves a woman having sex. Ah, yes, there are porno between a man and his wife before they actually do love each other. After college, I pretty much continued on autopilot until I moved home with my parents, and then I went back to graduate school. I took inventory. Then I did stop to look and say, All right, I'm at home with my parents now. Even being a police officer did not significantly alter all of my porn watching habits, which was incredible. I even mentioned in the polygraph about having seen all these different types important because they ask about all that stuff. And I managed toe word things exactly in a way that sounded similar to how it is here, but also minimizing the effective things. I managed to say something like, I managed to explain it very similar to how I did here, with the difference being that I focused on just downloading it. I didn't. I managed to avoid actually watching any of the things, so I I even made it through into being a police officer with all of my porn watching habits . However, when I moved home with my parents being back at home in my parents house, I thought about Oh, my porn watching, haven't not what I had done. Before I became a police officer. I had stopped using any of the free porn download websites because that's you gotta in all these crazier forms of porn that way. And because these free porn sites were starting to come up, I had a collection off a bunch of the porn I downloaded from before, and at some point I then decided it be safe. The adult responsible thing to do would be just to stick to the free porn websites because you could trust that all everything on those was illegal. And you also then didn't have to go through risking putting your computer by getting a virus. You could also just stick to those websites and kind of be reasonable, so to speak that if you were watching something on there, you could feel like you weren't being so bad. So I figured that be a way to grow up is to a stop watching all of these things I'd watched in college and just stick to essentially watching normal sex on free porn websites. When I moved home with my parents, I thought about that a lot, and that's when I was motivated. In 2000 and 10 I got rid of all of my old collection of porn. I had a whole bunch of things I downloaded from college. I got rid of all of it and switched over to just watching free porn websites. I thought that'd be kind of a good way to grow up, and I've am grateful today that I was able to do that because a lot of these things you set in motion, you hang out, watch all these things with other guys in college. You associate that with the feeling fun and included. You make all these associations in your mind and you don't talk to anyone about them. You build all this shame around it. It's amazing that you can even make a switch to even doing a little bit better. The problem was making that switch actually set me up to continue going through. Ah, lot of the same problems for much longer if I had say, went to a therapist in 2010 and sat down and just talked about everything the way I'm talking about it here with you and the way I've talked about it in much more detail with them. Many of the men I I've come across in Alcoholics Anonymous. Maybe I would have been able to essentially break the entire cycle instead of essentially normalizing it. While I really felt disgusting. Seeing all these different types of porn in college and in the few years that followed, I felt less disgusting about simply watching normal porn on free porn websites. So to speak just sticking to a man and a woman having sex or maybe sometimes several girls or whatever, but mostly just watching pretty normal porn videos. No more of all those things that made me feel so bad about myself, well, that became a habit that was then challenging the kick because and my mind, I said, This is acceptable where from the beginning of watching all these adult movies, I didn't feel like these things were acceptable. I felt like I was doing something wrong with getting into just thes free porn websites where I felt okay, This is a reasonable habit for Manto Have it's OK even if I married or whatever, this is a reasonable thing for me to dio toe. Want to watch these movies on here by graduate school. Then I made an every day thing of it. I often would watch porn several times a day. While I had felt some shame and some reluctance to use my porn collection. Of all the many of the ones I downloaded, I deleted most of the worst of the ones I'd seen, but from watching my college porn collection, which I had a whole bunch of nostalgia about, but I was often hesitant even use with the free porn websites, I figured Why not just watch as much of this is I can handle. I'd tried to apply some self control and discipline when it came to my porn watching. As you can see, this is an area where self control and discipline is short circuited. It just doesn't work. For eight years, I'd tried to kind of manage with willpower and self discipline and all that it got me. Was these rubber band effects I'm not gonna watch. There'd be periods where I'd I'd say I'm done. I'm not gonna watch or download anymore porn after seeing something and then all of a sudden, then I'd have this horrible curiosity to go see whatever I had originally felt so bad about seeing. And there was this horrible rubber band effect with just sticking these free porn websites . I figured, Hey, I watched as much of this is I want I don't feel bad about just watching a guy and a woman have sex. I I don't feel bad about it. And then I can just watch as much as this. I want to all day, every day, whatever I often would make a point of. I'd fire my laptop up first thing in the morning, right when I got up, watch some porn, then go off to class. And then I'd come back. Sometimes I'd watch porn in the afternoon and then again at night, especially having my own place were any attempt to keep things discreet, like with my parents said when when I lived with my parents that went completely out the window, having my own place again. The big problem was that I assumed that this would simply be solved by having a partner and that even if it wasn't solved, I could just watch a little bit here and there, and it wouldn't be a big deal. Well, I discovered very quickly after meeting my wife after making this change that simply having an amazing woman in my life did not alter these things 9. Finding the love of my life did not fix my own problems: When I met my wife, I was so excited. I was so in love that I'd hoped I simply could continue building a deeper relationship with her and all of these things, like watching porn would simply go away or they'd be minimized and not be a big deal. That's not how it's worked at all. In my experience, that's why I'm doing this here with you is because this is part of me continuing in my own recovery from these things, continuing to have a better life, sharing my testimony that simply having a partner often at first seems to make the problem smaller now, even though I was dating my wife and it was by far the best relationship I've ever known from the very beginning that didn't suddenly eliminate the need for me to watch porn, especially after feeling like I wasn't now doing anything wrong. Watching porn where I head for the most of the 1st 10 years of watching porn felt like I was doing something wrong as now, feeling like I'm a grown up, I'm watching porn on a website where it's free available to anyone. I'm not doing anything illegal by downloading porn I'm now doing this legally. This was a big mental shift for me from having illegally downloaded it. Whatever the video actually contained, I had gotten all the porn illegally by downloading it, switching to doing it for free. I also felt this big defensiveness like what? What I'm doing is legal. These people have uploaded this to the website, have given me permission toe watch their movie. And I know that the porn website has done their due diligence to make sure what's in this porno is acceptable, even if not quite deviant, that it is OK for me to watch. Therefore, I'm not doing anything wrong now. And to me, that is one of the greatest positions of limitation, the righteousness. I feel like people lots of times are open to change when they feel like there really is something wrong. But the worst are the righteous those we feel like I am doing absolutely the right thing. There's almost no hope to change in that sense because the person as I was already certain they're doing the right thing. As a man, I have a right toe watch porn on these free websites. I just out of politeness won't put it around my partner as I moved in with my wife. Then after graduate school, I didn't alter my habits that all except I did intentionally try and maybe take a day off of watching porn before I knew my at the time girlfriend. Now my wife was going to come over as I moved in with her. Then suddenly, things got different when I was in my bachelor pad, and I knew what days she was coming over is usually several days in advance. My porn watching pretty much went on autopilot from there. When I moved in with my wife, though, things got a little uncomfortable then because she was there every night, all the sudden. And at first I figured that would just fix things, that I would just have my wife and that I wouldn't need to then watch anymore perform. As I first had started dating her and still lived in my own place, I felt while I there's no reason I can't watch porn when she's not here, then living with her, though that was a bit different because now this is our place, and I'd never lived with a girl before this was our place. So if I was watching porn now, it was in the place that she was paying the rent on again, even after changing that over and feeling like I would had this right to watch porn. Now, having actually live in someone else's place, it was a bit uncomfortable, but unfortunately, it quickly made the change over in my mind. Any time we had a little argument or a challenge in our relationship. My mind just came right in and just finds as well. You have the right to watch porn as a man. Why not? Once I moved in with my wife, I didn't watch porn, hardly ever for the first time in a long time, and I kind of just didn't think about it much After that. I figured it was cured. That just was something I did because I was lonely and single and living in my own place, and that was the least amount of adult movies I've watched up until starting in 2000 and 15 when I will share what I've went with you through that in more detail for the first several years of living with my wife I'd say after I moved in with her in 2011. For the first year, at least, I very really washed adult movies because from a practical need, there was no point in it. We were both there, and we had each other whenever we wanted. So why was there this need to watch adult movies? I think my wife and I even watched one or two that were on TV together. The challenge was that it didn't simply disappear. It merely waited for the right opportunity in 2000 and 13 as I started drinking Mawr again after trying to also stay sober, living with my wife as I started drinking more again, my porn watching started attaching itself to my drinking, where most of the time, living with my wife, it simply wasn't necessary from a practical sense of watching form quickly. Then, after a couple of years of living with my wife and after my drinking getting worse, I then started watching porn on a regular basis. When I drink most of the time, I lived with my wife for the first couple of years. I didn't drink that much in our house at least and My wife also then made a policy where she would not get near me if I had been drinking. This presented the perfect opportunity for my porn addiction to pop right out. And this is where things started to get really shameful. While I felt on some level I was doing there. Are you have a right toe watch these porn movies. They're on a website. You're not doing anything wrong now. And yet I felt like I was doing something awful that my wife would be down the hall sleeping, and I'd be sitting there secretly watching porn and drinking liquor. And I thought, on some level, that isn't this the kind of things that people get horrified about the hear stories. The wife comes in and finds the man watching porn at three in the morning. Aren't you doing the same thing right now? And that conflicted strongly with my righteousness. I'm a man. I'm an adult. I have a right toe, watched these air just available on websites. I have a right to be able to watch these. The problem is that porn promotes fantasy thinking. And while after I broke up with my girlfriend in college I swore I would never make the mistake again. Off fantasizing and being about other girls while I was with her. I often would be intimate with my girlfriend in college and be thinking about other girls. I'd seen her than I wished I could date. And I remember after breaking up, I felt so ashamed of that. I said, Never again will I be with a girl and get engaged in fantasy mode that I will just be present with that girl and completely enjoy being with her. And my wife is so amazing, so beautiful. Everything I ever have wanted in a woman and this tendency to fantasize was so strong that after ah, couple of years of getting used to being with my wife, my old habits started to come out and especially mentally. My old habits started to come out of thinking about other girls, and I felt so ashamed and disgusted of this, that this was getting me into some really bad depression, some depressions close to suicide. I felt such Ah, horrible person, even though you might say my behavior was less deviant than had been for most of my adult life. The way I felt about myself was getting to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. And the problem with these free porn websites while the illegal download porn websites presented ah lot of problems in terms of all the things I mentioned are ready. One of the things that the freed porn Web downloads did not do was advertising. You simply downloaded your porn and that was that. These free porn websites had all these ads on them. They would take you to ads for escort pages. They take you to ads for websites where you can sign up to meet other people. They take you toe websites where you can play sex games and from clicking on these ads on these free porn websites, which is how they make money. Then I started getting into looking at some things which really made me feel disgusting looking at things like just browsing the escort catalogue, just taking a look. As a result, I would say of watching the adult movies in college. I had got into that occasionally as a single man, and here I was a married man, having clicked on these free porn ads and looking at these things again. And the problem was after clicking on an ad while drunk one night, then another night. I would just go straight to the website and look themselves the last night I drink. I remember looking at some of those pages and along with watching porn, and I even would play video games at the same times, and I'd tell my friends about it. And meanwhile, my wife's down the hall asleep, and she's not, wasn't completely oblivious to what was going on, but she did. At least let me figure it out myself. She didn't hound me about it and make some big scene. She patiently loved me until I was ready to do better. And one day, April 22nd 2014 I woke up and I thought about all these things and I could see exactly where they were going. They were all leading the suicide, all of these things. I was doing the drinking, looking at porn and especially then starting to look at these escort pages, even though I was extremely happy with my wife. Even though there was, as she was giving absolutely everything I wanted, I was completely happy with her It's just that I, at that point in my life, could not get enough of anything. There was nothing I could get enough off. I was sick and I realized I was fatally sick. But if I didn't get some help, maybe the next time I drink and watched porn would be my last that I might do something like wander off or get one of these escort services And then I would new from my previous experience. That is a single man who had been dating a girl and head when she just was not available. And even though we weren't exclusive, I had done a similar thing, even though she wasn't my girlfriend. I had felt so disgusting about myself that I had got suicidal and thank God. That's when I moved home with my parents. Right after that, I realized I was about to do the same thing again. Except this time there would be no living through it because while before that had been kind of a one night stand went wrong. This that it happened about five years before to it in 2009. In two, I realised in 2014 I was married, and I love my wife with my whole heart. And if I went off and did something like that, I was certain I would take my own life, absolutely certain of it. And I realized I did not know how to stop. I did not know how toe do any better. I didn't know I could talk to about all these things. Like my dad had passed away. He's the person I would have went to. But I didn't like talking to my dad about anything sexual, either. And I couldn't talk to my mom about this. She was embroiled in grief with Dad having died. My brother was not available that talk about anything like this, either. At least I didn't think he was. I didn't know who to talk to. I didn't know what to do. I felt completely hopeless. I realized it didn't even matter that I wanted to do better. I had no idea how to do better that all I knew how to do was keep staying in the middle of essentially the same shame that I'd been in for about 15 years with feeling like my body was disgusting, that I was an awful person, and I didn't Even I felt like I didn't deserve to have a wife that loved me. And I was just doing the natural thing of circling the drain. And as I laid in bed, I desperately prayed to God that the one problem I could see that was certain to influence all the others, I said, God, please, I'll do anything to stay sober because I realized if I didn't get drunk, I had hope to fix everything else. But if I got drunk, there was no hope. I would invariably watch porn while I was drunk, and then I would do something stupider and stupider over time. It was certain happen at some point. So thank God I prayed to God and I got one little answer. Well, if you are willing to do anything to stop drinking, going toe in a meeting might be part of anything, and thank God I followed that. I wouldn't be here at all with you today if I hadn't. I'm grateful I have this experience to share with you. It's painful to even bring these things out. These air things as a husband and a father with a very normal life Now, I'd rather just sweep under the rug. Pretend like all this never happened. I'm bringing these things out because I don't want them to ever happen again in my life and in bringing these things out, I heal them and provide the opportunity for you to experience the same. 10. Beginning recovery for alcoholism leads to help with porn addiction: thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous because an Alcoholics Anonymous I also became connected with the men who would help me with my porn addiction while staying sober helped me to not watch as much porn as I said before about the object in motion tends to stay in motion. I was in the habit of watching all this porn while drinking, and now in 2014 after going now, call It's anonymous and stopping drinking as with all the things in my life before, it didn't simply stop the other problems. In fact, one of the reasons I'd been unable to stop drinking was because that drinking helped me cover up all my problems for a while until at one point it would bring them all out together in the exact kind of scenarios I mentioned before. The painful part about staying sober. And if you haven't an issue with alcohol per se, you can substitute any other drugs, the same functionality and seems to occur with marijuana, prescription pills, illegal drugs and even things like work without having alcohol. To essentially blame my problems on and to say, Well, you know, I wouldn't have watched that porn and looked at those websites. If I hadn't been drunk without that, the issues were then naked. There wasn't any way to just rationalize it and say, Well, I just looked at porn today while my wife was at work because I was drunk because I wasn't I still had the compulsion toe watch porn and it came out again sober, which I hadn't watched much of my porn sober for years being with my wife. But all the sudden just quitting drinking, the porn addiction continued. And that's why I made this about porn addiction, because to me, this is a distinct entity of its own. And thank God in Alcoholics Anonymous, I found a lot of men. I was able to talk to their who'd been through very similar things and who had been through things lots worse than me. And that's where I got some really lately, finally, with the porn addiction and especially feeling like I wasn't a disgusting person, just because off what I was thinking for the first it eight months or so after I stopped drinking. I then actually found my desire for porn increase, which was really frustrating. I found that I would want to watch porn while my wife was at work because then with me not drinking, she wanted to hang out with me when I was home with her. And when I drank, I used to stay up on my own. Ah, lot really late, whereas I went to bed with her more consistently when I was sober, this men, my porn addiction, suddenly switched to something that definitely felt wrong to me watching porn while my wife was at work and thank God while I had bend to the escort websites while I was drinking. That this quickly seemed absolutely insane, and that was easy enough to stop doing sober. What wasn't easy enough is, too. I had started getting into to stop fantasizing. That was difficult. I had watched a ZA result of some of the ads on the free porn websites and some of the movies. There were animated. I'd started getting into watching and playing these animated porn games where you actually kind of had to work for it and do the exact right things in the game and say the right things to the girl and then you could kind of pick what you want to do. I've felt like this is even better than just watching a static porn. This is fun because I was also at a video game addiction. So this was like a perfect combination. This then with not having the separation of alcohol. This was then pervading my mind all the time. And this is what had happened. When I started, I tried to stay so birth my wife before and I kept and I wasn't watching, hardly any porn. I was thinking about other girls all the time, and this killed me inside because my wife was perfect. Why was they thinking about all these other girls then? That's when I had went back in 2012 to drinking, and then the porn watching came out while drinking. After that, while in 2014 then my mind after sober, started to be pervaded, especially with all these thoughts of these poor and games all the time. And this, to me, just felt sick. I'd be intimate with my wife and remembering some porn game and just feeling like a filthy person and thank God as the result of going to Alcoholics Anonymous. There's 12 steps that if you want to stay sober. It's a good idea to work those one of those steps. Does it take inventory? Look at all these things inside you instead of just being righteous and saying Everything I do is write. Or maybe I have a little flaw here to look at all the stuff you're doing wrong, and by wrong I mean the things you're doing that make you feel bad about yourself and the world. And then the fifth step in Alcoholics Anonymous focuses on confession, admitting before God to yourself and another person exact nature of your wrongs. Then, thank God I started getting into all this sexual stuff as a result of working the steps and Alcoholics Anonymous, because for me, sex was at the very root. All this body shame was at the root of my alcoholism, and it was at the root of my porn addiction as well. Looking at dealing with all this body shame has helped me today to be free from the accession to drink alcohol and tow watch porn. I'm grateful that so many men sat down with me and shared with me and listen to me. One of the first men I one of the things I was most ashamed about in my entire life. Out of everything, I drank over out of everything I hated about myself. One of the things I was most ashamed over was all the porn I'd watch, especially backed when I downloaded it illegally. I was so ashamed of that and I shared it with him and he didn't think it was any big deal. He thought it was perfectly natural, and he shared what he'd been through with me. And he shared that. He had been had some of his own addictions. And when he shared those things with me, he and I had this miracle of healing that occurred for me that he'd already experienced in his own life and that I then got to experience with him. And after that, things got a lot better in my life, and that's when the porn addiction started to break down. And that's when I started continually going through the process. As you now see me in the middle, love in my way of seeing things this is continuing on that same process. I realized that you may not in the way of looking at it be lucky enough to have a drinking problem where you are kind of forced to go in and deal with all this stuff? You might have a life that this is just the one little thing that sticks out. And you don't know who to talk to because your life is so damn good that this one little thing you don't want to essentially mess everything up. I'm grateful today that this is continuing that same work and this work of helping others and sharing these things with others is what started to break the bonds off my not just my porn addiction, but addiction of fantasizing it started to break down. 11. Changing the belief that watching porn is fun and provides pleasure: as I continued my journey and recovery for alcoholism, I was lucky to be guided directly into a situation that helped re program my brain when it came toe watching porn and looking at porn. As I've read in Tony Robbins book, Awaken the Giant Within. He talks about how our brains are programmed to seek pleasure and avoid pain and also to associate certain things we do with either producing pleasure or producing pain with being fun or being not fun. We have all these programs in our brain that tell us what each thing in life is essentially cut up all our different aspects of life and separate them and judge Well, this feels good, but this doesn't This is good, but this isn't in my brain. I'd been programmed at some point. I'd be there, Accepted programming program might grand myself or whatever it happened that watching porn was pleasurable, that watching porn made me feel better. That was a basic belief that I had, and the environment for watching porn was either one of secrecy and privacy or one with a few other guys drinking and huddled together in a dorm room, trying not to get too close to each other, though. Yeah, thankfully, in 2014 I got a perfect opportunity to change my programming. If I wouldn't have been prepared for it, it wouldn't have worked out. I'll explain you exactly how it happened as I continued to share with other men in a about all of my sexual dysfunctions about all the poor and I'd watched about all of the different deviant sexual things I done in my life. As I started to share these things, I started Teoh lose this sense of shame about who I waas that deep down. The truth about me was that I was a disgusting person and that the truth about my body was that it was nasty needed to be covered up, and it had these disgusting urges to it. As I continued to work with the men in Alcoholics Anonymous who had been hell of many of these things, I began to get this new image of my body is something beautiful. An instrument of services here toe love and help and be kind and share make a difference in the world and that my body is a beautiful thing, that it could be used to produce Children and family and to give life and this new way of seeing my body started making a seeking porn out to not be such a an attractive idea. And yet I still didn't know how to stop. I buy this point would look at images. I'd search for things like hot nude girls on my iPhone and eyebrows images in the morning after my wife had been off toe work, I didn't know how to stop looking at porn because my brain still was programmed. Porn is good. Porn makes me feel better. Therefore, when I got in a bad mood, I would simply think, Okay, I watch some porn and I'll feel better On a deep level, I believed watching adult movies made me feel better. Thankfully, I got a great opportunity to change this, but it came through mawr and more pain. The more I didn't numb the pain in my life, the more I got to see that doing it myself with my just satisfying my own urges myself and fantasy and watching adult movies that I was consistently feeling bad. I want to thank all the free porn websites I used to watch because while drunk, I could disregard the ads or click on the ads. Or just be like whatever sober. The ads really started to bother me on the free porn websites ads offering the escort services ads offering to sign up on websites where you can meet other women ads offering things like making your equipment bigger with pictures of guys and huge equipment. The ads started to repulsed me on the free porn websites where I felt like I was in the right place based on the ads and how I felt about my body as I was drinking, watching porn or for most of my life watching porn, where I suddenly started to feel a bit better about myself, like, Hey, you know what? I'm a decent person. I'm a person filled with love. This body is a good thing, not a tool off shame. As I started Teoh let the light come out as I started to recover and heal, I started to be repulsed to have a normal person, a healthy persons reaction to that. I feel like I held the person a up the way I try and be today. It was repulsed by those ads on the free porn websites. Do you look and say God, I don't ever want to go back there again and Association of pain as I continued to recover and be more self aware, and the more I talked about my issues with other men, they stopped needing to be fueled in shame watching porn. And that's why I got away from even the free porn websites towards the end of 2000 and 14 because I couldn't stand the see the ads any more. And I ended up going just to Google, mostly because on Google I wouldn't have to see me as I could just see some pictures of girls naked and that was good enough. And then I'd have links to videos on exact free porn websites that I could watch with no ads. And then the last time I did it on my own for no reason, so to speak, I washed porn. I realized that I saw what I did that I started off feeling bad. I thought that watching the porno would make me feel better, and then after I watched it, I realized I felt worse that the truth waas these things were reinforcing my bad feelings. Have you seen someone who's depressed before? And they'll talk about how depressed they are all the time, and sometimes that you just look at him and say, You know, if you didn't go telling everyone how depressed you are and telling all these stories about why you're depressed all the time, you probably wouldn't be depressed anymore. And I saw the same thing. If you didn't sit there and look at these poor knows all the time, you wouldn't have any proof that you were a nasty, disgusting person. These are giving you the proof that's leading you to feel bad again. In pain management. This is what's often called a rebound in headaches. When you take a medication and knocked a headache down, you often will get a rebound headache. I've experienced this a lot. I would take Advil to knock my stress down, or I'd get drunk, and then I'd end up having ah, worst headache the next day while getting some temporary relief. What I was doing with my porn was the same thing. It offered a little bit of temporary relief, but it then needed more of the same the basic criteria of addiction. It initially gives you a little relief associate with pleasure, but the cost of it is high. It's like this. If I explain it money, it'll make perfect sense. Imagine, you're broke and you just wanna have dinner and I tell you. Look, I'll give you $20 right now. I'll give you $100 right now. Your media actions? Probably. Yes. Thank you. Yes, that I would love to have $100 right now. Give me that $100. Okay. I'll give you the $100 on one condition. I want 100 and $10 back tomorrow. Okay? That's no problem. I'll figure it. Give me the $100 today. I'll figure out how to give you 110 tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and you pay the $110. Now you're broke again. Now you say it, man. I got that. I worked hard. I got that money. And now I don't have any money again. I'm broke and here I come again. Okay. I will give you $100. I want 100 and 10 back tomorrow. It might not seem like a big deal, but you do that over and over and over again in one year of doing that, where you've never given more than $10 more than you've received in one year of doing that , How much money do you think you've spent? 3650 or $60 depending on if it's a leap year. Doing that for one year every day would cost you $3650. That's what porn addiction looks like. The initial thank you, the initial relief of being uncomfortable. You keep paying a higher and higher cumulative price for it, and all the sudden and you stay broke the whole time. See if you'd have just started and stayed broke and been happy making the $10 held on to the $10 or spend a little bit of it. By the in a year, you'd have 3600 something dollars that same money that you gave just to get that $100 every day and to feel like you had a lot, the same thing happened with porn addiction. You take that little feeling of pleasure in exchange for demanding a bigger payment tomorrow in exchange for feeling tomorrow like you need to have it again. The same basic criteria of every addiction alcohol, drugs, anything you could be addicted to. It's that same basic system. It gives you what you gives you everything you want today in exchange for giving all that plus some more up tomorrow and even if it's not that simple, that's exactly what porn addictions been like for me. And I finally saw it that I'm doing the same damn thing with porn that I was doing with alcohol. I'm taking this little short term boost in pleasure and distraction in exchange for feeling worse about myself and realizing without the alcohol to numb the pain of it. I couldn't stand to keep doing this anymore. I couldn't keep having this addiction in my life and stay sober. It had to go, and I the more I talked with other men about these things, it continued to help me see, and finally, the last day I did it by myself and shame and secrecy for no good reason. I saw exactly what I was doing, and I was ashamed and I said, I will not do this I won't do this anymore, and I associate it with pain that watching and looking at these adult movies, it makes me feel bad. It's not that I can't see a picture off a woman naked occasionally online if it comes up in a news feed. Somebody that did pledge for pledging the AM patron is called Art of Nudes, and they do nude pictures and I get I give them $2 a month and they give me the same. I supported them now. I initially was like, Well, I shouldn't because there's nothing wrong with pictures of nude bodies To me, there's something wrong with looking at it in the context of porn. Not wrong in a sense that it's bad wrong in the sense that I feel worse when I engage in that cycle. And thankfully, this set me up for the perfect opportunity because I don't know if that simply by itself would have worked. I had another opportunity come along right after that, and this was scary for me at the time. This was a huge challenge at the time, and I'm excited to share this story with you off how I combined that last experience, which I saw the truth about the truth is my porn addictions. No fun. It's a temporary distraction. The same as having a drink is that overall makes me feel worse about myself. And thankfully, one more thing the universe provided me gave me the perfect opportunity to switch my programming in my mind. 12. Reprogramming into watching porn as medical and painful: the opportunity the world gave me to switch my programming was to go to a fertility clinic , my wife and I. Now we have a daughter who's year and 1/2 old. So I guess that's been solved, which was able to be conceived naturally, which I'm very grateful for at the time of my wife and I had been trying to have a baby for at least a year, and we were beginning to get concerned. We went to a fertility clinic and one of the things they needed was a sperm sample from me and thank God this provided the perfect context for me to switch all of my thinking about porn and to put things in a proper place in my brain where I'm a kind of program like a normal person in the sense now that I don't have the desire to go watch adult movies because I associate that with being painful, Why would I want to hurt myself the same as I don't want to go stick my hand on a burner because that will hurt. I don't want to go watch adult movie because that will hurt now. It's not that I wouldn't watch one with my wife if she wanted to. I said, I don't need to be watching one all by myself in my room, Like right now. I could be what my wife is and daughter on the house. I could be doing it right now, but I don't want to. I don't have the desire to the obsession, the compulsion today, and this is one of the things that really helped. But it wouldn't have worked if I hadn't had the experience I shared right before. This of realizing consciously that to go through with my porn addiction was to willingly hurt myself. Well, thankfully, I got one more opportunity. Teoh to watch, poured, so to speak, in a different environment. They needed a sperm sample at the fertility clinic, and they gave me instructions. They put me in a room with porn and magazines, and while it had felt fun tow watch that first porno when I was 16 or to sneak a look at the the girls in the Duke Nukem video game. It didn't feel very fun to be in a doctor's office with an old school TV and DVDs, which I don't know if I've ever watched a porno on DVD? Maybe I Ah, few times I've washed a lot and magazines and there are all the sun. It didn't feel fun. It felt scientific. It felt the opposite of what you'd want to feel for sex. It felt kind of like the background picture I've got on this of medical. Not the mood you'd imagine for watching point and thank God this reprogrammed all that in my mind that watching porn is something. You do it a doctor's office and I don't want to go to the doctor. And I'm grateful that this experience program before it and I've got to share this one line . They I kept thinking. I kept thinking, You've trained your whole life for this. This is like the Olympics for you. There's nothing you've practised form or in your entire life. Here it is. And I felt performance anxiety like My God, like if you trained for the Olympics, your whole life and here it is the chance for the gold medal. I'm seeing this doctor's office like Wow! Imagine the pressure right now like man, What if I can't do it? What if After practicing for so many years. I can't do it. And then I looked at some of the magazines, but I was not aroused, and I looked at the DVDs and thought I might as well just watch my favorite one on my phone . And I had the feeling that this would be the last time and I thought, Why don't I watch? I had this one, a little adult movie I'd found on a free porn website, and I found a way to watch it where there weren't any ads that came up just by using a direct link to the actual video. And I watched the video and I I was able to win the gold medal. I got an awesome sperm sample that showed that clearly that was not an issue and literally right after that, my wife got pregnant. And that reprogrammed all this in my mind that watching porn, something you do at the doctors office. It's not fun. It's I felt pressured, like I have to perform now. I've got to do this, and I'm very grateful for that experience because for the eight or so days, there were eight or so days between when I watched my last porn, you might say for fun, although in doing it I realized it was the opposite of fun. And then I wasn't sure because that one of the hardest times for me to not engage in my porn addiction was when my wife was out of town and my wife for the several days before I was due to go provide my sperm sample. My wife was out of town, so I didn't have her companionship. I was all alone for the whole weekend, and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do any better with my porn addiction. And I was scared that I would, because you they skate specific instructions for the clinic. You needed to have several days saved up before you went in to do the test. I was scared, and thankfully, that external motivation helped me do it. And then with that new programming experience that this is something you do in a doctor's office. It wasn't fun anymore, and then I since then I have not went through and watched an adult movie, at least by myself that I I'm not sure I'm a I'm not sure when exactly I've watched them with my wife, brothers in 2012 or 2015. I don't know exactly when it was so I have not watched one by myself since then, and that, to me, is a miracle, because it's too. It's nearly 2.5 years later, and from the very first time I watched an adult movie, I couldn't wait to watch another one and I'd sneak things in in anywhere it could. And today it's a miracle that I feel I have a day off of my porn addiction, but I don't have a guaranteed cure for life. That's why I'm making this here with you, making this here with you, adds Yet Mawr and Mawr and Mawr. I'm a When I got into my porn addiction, I built over time the addiction up from initial curiosity to watching an initial movie or two, and I built it up to this big thing that seemed insurmountable a break. What I seek to do each day is to continue to build the foundation on which I live a life free from porn addiction one day at a time each day today I see to continue doing one thing after another because the thought will come. The thought is coming a watching adult movie, Plenty of time since then. The difference is today. This is what I think about next. Oh, are you gonna watch an adult movie? Where you gonna tell the people that are learning about porn addiction? Freedom from you? That's a good question. Why don't we just forget it and the same strategies? When I used with drinking in any other area of an addiction, I think about a drink today. Think, Well, what are the people in a gonna think about that? Well, like, well, better not think about it at all. Or when I think about, have a thought about watching porn. Then, in doing a book about freedom from porn addiction, it's proof that there's MAWR service for me to dio. There's more for me to give and share ball at least rhyme at. In the US sex is a very difficult subject for a lot of people and porn addiction. I've come across a lot of people online. I've come across the a wife who sent me an email after listening my podcast saying, Thank God you've talked about some of these things Because let me tell you the experience I've had with the men I've been with and she said, I've done I've given everything and I don't understand. It's like they can't have enough. And I understand. And thank God today that I have a chance to not be the man eyes Ben, that I have a chance today to love and embrace life, to be present with my wife, to be focused completely on her instead of scattered in my mind thinking about all these different adult movies. Freedom from porn addiction promotes ah, feeling of wholeness in my body that translates in the every other aspect of my life. And has this been challenging to stand up here and do this? Yes. Yes, I felt that fear of what are people gonna think, Jerry? What are people gonna think when they hear what a pervert you've been? What are they gonna say? They're gonna point their finger and say, Look how disgusting you are. Look, what an insert. Whatever. We're look at him. He's horrible. And I stand up here today out of love and service for you because I pray that, as so many men helped me with my porn addiction, sat there and listened to me talk about all the movies I'd watch. Listen to me cry and Cheryl Bad. I felt as a husband and listen to me talk about these things and share their experience with me. I pray that I am able to share and to provide some of that same help for us. Others have provided it for me because I have a happier sex life than I've ever had today. I've never known this much comfort with my body ever. I don't ever remember being more comfortable with my body than I am now. I think I may have been in a year too old, but I don't remember that I feel love. I feel happy with my body today. Sure, it's a little awkward sometimes, but I'm grateful for it even when it is awkward. And I'm grateful today to be here to share this with you. Thank you very much for listening to this. I hope sharing my story is helpful for you that there may be things either you can identify with or that you are able to feel reconnected with if if you feel disconnected. If you feel alone. If you feel ashamed, you're not. We all love you. And I'm grateful you're here with me. Thank you. 13. Watching porn impacts all other relationships in my life: thank you very much for sharing my story with me. I hope this has been a useful for you because I hope you have the chance to the learn from my experience without having to experience exact same thing yourself. Would you like now to look at specific parts of porn addiction especially, and how they impact other areas of life based on my experience to begin the most key place that porn addiction impacted me was in my relationships. When I was single, I had this peace of mind essentially, that I could go see girls naked whenever I wanted to. It made me very difficult to date because if you weren't willing to have sex with me fairly quickly, then I wasn't interested in essentially playing the game. I figured I had all my porno lodge. Why bother with a girl, essentially, who was going to be difficult? I used to scoff at my friends who were willing to go on dates a long time before they got laid, and that one friend, especially, who waited until marriage. I gave him a hard time about that for years, saying, That's just crazy. I couldn't see how we do that That's nuts. I don't understand it because I had my porn and I watched my porn all the time. I figured I really don't need a girl. So if I'm going to have one in my life, then she's going to do what I want her to or I'm not going to put up with him. And the irony is that this caused me to be single, and it caused me to want to have a girl. Even Mawr. Every time I watch porn was simply reinforcement that I really was by myself. Each time I watch porn, I got a little more demented about what normal sex is like. And it's taken years of not watching porn to essentially go back to being a normal person where sex is fully enjoyable and it's enough, just as it is, it doesn't need to be spiced up our made crazy or any of those other things that are attempting to get into when you've watched so many different things get down on porn. I'm grateful today that now having a relationship that I've eliminated the porn watching based on doing this work of telling you about it, sharing my story and consistently being willing to share my story with others. It makes it really unattractive to go watch porn and then consider having the update. My story with how I re laughed on, born watching in a relationship porn watching tends to have a detrimental effect to every little thing. If either sex it doesn't matter. This is gender, not specific. It is even type of relationship, for example, gay or straight older young. I think this impacts on every level. I've talked with a gay man who struggled with porn addiction even though him and his partner were having sex on a regular basis, and he was not getting a full experience out of the porn watching, so to speak. He was just looking. He wasn't actually doing anything when himself. He was just looking at the porn. This affects any different level because when you watch porn, it sucks you into this void of fantasy. And what stinks in a relationship is to be in the middle of fantasy. You want to be present in your relationship for full happiness based on my experience. If I'm in two fantasy, it almost makes this toxic element in the relationship where nothing in the relationship can possibly be as good as all of the fantasies. In my head, I remember laying in bed lots of days with hangovers or lonely at the house or at work, bored fantasizing about other women, even though I was with my wife and totally happy with her. And then I'd feel like a really disgusting person for doing that. The problem with porn watching I'm not saying if you watch one porn here or there, it's going to have this effect the same as in many other areas of life. Moderation can be just fine, but regular porn watching, I would say, If you feel a compulsion that you have to watch porn or if you're honest with yourself, that sometimes you watch porn without meaning to or all the sudden you feel you have to. That, to me, is an addiction, a compulsion, And if it spreads into these fantasies all the time, that has a toxic effect on relationships, and it takes a really loving and healthy person to get through that with some dignity and grace. And my wife is really healthy and loving, and she's got through it with dignity and grace to the point where I was motivated to fix things up, to say, Look, I want to be a better husband. I want to be completely here in our relationship and not fantasizing and spending all this time thinking about other girls even though you're beautiful and I'm happy with you, that's torture to do that. And porn watching contributes to this. This is the most detrimental effect. I see the porn watching it promotes fantasy in the mind. There's a few things that hurt my own feelings more then being intimate moment with my wife and thinking about another woman. Now it's not that a thought doesn't cross my mind because that's normal. The mind is just throwing things around. But toe sit there and wish that it was the other woman, as I've spent a lot of time with other girls doing that, and I'd swore after all those other girls that I wouldn't do that again, that this time I'm going to really pay attention to just my wife that I won't miss any of our intimacy together, wishing I was with some other girl. The problem is, as long as I was watching porn it puts me as in the habit of wishing I was in some situation where I'm not and even if se watching the porn, I didn't want to be in it. Having been happy with my wife at the time, I was watching porn, and now I was used to from years of experience wishing that I was in the porn and you don't keep doing the same thing without continuing to get the same result, even watching porn. Therefore, single is setting up something difficult to fix in a relationship. No one ever explained this to me in telling me they were making me feel bad or judging me because I watched form. The simple fact for me is that watching adult movies tinges all the rest of my relationships with and not just my wife, either, or not just with the intimacy of my partner, so to speak. But all of my relationships with those I'm sexually attracted to watching porn made it difficult to interact with attractive girls because my mind immediately went to all these porn scenarios, and it was difficult to actually see another girl who was attractive at the same time. My mind wasn't very interested in girls who didn't fit in or women who didn't fit into that attractive scenario. If some older lady wanted to talk to me, I used to look at that is an inconvenience. God, why is this old broad wasting my time? Come on. All right. She maybe she thinks I look good. That's great for her, but I'm not getting anything out of this. That mindset of objectifying people through watching porn gets to be toxic in all of my relations in life, not just my relationship with my partner, but with everyone. When you get used to treating other women as sex objects all the time, it's hard to have a good relationship, even with your mother as a young man. Why, because of my mother is giving me a hard time having a bad day. Well, she's just a pain in the butt. Then that's all she is. Never mind all that she's done for me. She's just a pain in the butt. When you are objectified people, you end up objectifying yourself. In many of the porn's I used to watch, the man was basically reduced to a Penis. That's all that you often saw of the man or thought of or paid attention to. I didn't notice how the guy looked or all these things that was just the man's Penis and what it was doing with the woman and that then even interacts with all my ideas about men and gives me this idea that all men are just really this big walking organ, objectifying all other men into simply guys that have sex with girls and therefore then all the competition comes in, which is insane. If you get in a relationship, then to be looking at other guys and getting jealous. To me, the world of watching porn, it's kind of harmless. You might think to just watch a porn here or there, but when you get sucked into in all of a sudden you are washing porn on a regular basis. Which that could Very some people might say once a month is moderation. I would say on a daily basis are feeling like you miss watching porn if it's been a week or so, that, in my experience is a compulsion that is an addiction that's not fun anymore. That is being drawn into the void, The void of all these things that hurt when it comes to sex, all these things that take the other happiness out of being in a relationship or that put this little disappointment on everything like, Well, this girl I went out was nice, but she doesn't look quite as good as the girl in the porn. I like to watch. You see all these things interact with each other. That's why there's a great gift. When you change one thing in your life, you're really changing everything, and it takes a lot of courage to take a leap of faith. That's why I talk about all this stuff. I don't fancy the idea of people watching and looking and saying, Look at him. He's really crappy husband. Oh, I'm glad I'm not his daughter, the Iess. I'm aware of the fact that other people could potentially judge me based on what I've shared, and yet I share it because I want to keep having a happy life. Today. I want to keep being present with my wife, fully paying attention to just her and not slipping off into some fantasy for half of our intimacy and witching. She was someone else Well, this is the way I do it. If she was this girl and then it's really nice to be able to see girls in person and to not slip completely into fantasy and objectification. When I see an attractive woman now it hurts a bit. It just hurts. The pain of desire comes up and yet my mind is free to pay attention. My mind doesn't have to slip in a porno mode with every attractive girl that walks in it used to any attractive girl. My mind slipped straight in the porno mode. Why? When you watch porn every day, that's a normal thing. I look at the mind is simply servant. The servant does what you train the servant to Dio, the servant tries to help. Based on that what you've asked in the past when you show the servant Ah, whole bunch of porn all the time And you asked the servant to participate and enhance and fantasize and really getting the porn Well, what about the whole rest of the day? A lot of us have this idea. We can just isolate parts of our lives that are poor. Watching doesn't impact our career. It doesn't impact our relationship with our partner. It doesn't impact our relationship with either the opposite sex, if that's what you're attracted to or the same sex or being attracted to both sexes. I see men out there and there have been men it that have been in my life before. And I slipped straight in the porn mode with them, like, Wow, you know, cue up the gay porn right here, like all right, if I was blah, blah, blah. And I'm grateful today that I can look at other men with trust instead of looking at other men is a pervert. The problem is, when I watch so much porn that I feel like a pervert, I'm a man, and I put that label on every other man. Most of my adult life, it's been hard to have an intimate relationship with a man. Now I don't mean sex of the man. I mean intimate, as in sharing my heart, telling a man all these things. I'm grateful in Alcoholics Anonymous. I learned how to have an intimate relationship with the man again, Even with my father, I did not tell my father about a lot of things I had even a hard time opening my heart all the way up to my father, having intimate relationships with other men, where I share what's really going on in my life. If I'm frustrated, I talk about it. If there's something I don't like, I share about it on. And if I am tempted to make any new dark secrets, then I'm committed also to sharing these, especially with other men. And then, as you can see, I've gotten in sharing it with everyone. It takes the edge off of temptation. It's not so tempting to get lured into some nasty and I say nasty. All these words are really subjective to get lured. It's not so tempting to get lured and into some shameful situation with the thought of having to then talk about it. So this is a part of my health and recovery, and I hope it's helpful for you because my porn watching was one of those 80 20 things in my life. One of those little things I did that had a gigantic impact on the rest of my life. Those 10 2030 minutes an hour, two hours, some days off, porn watching almost every single day. Those impacted the whole rest of my living environment, those that had a huge impact on how I felt about myself and how I felt about everyone else . I'm grateful today that without porn watching, it's a lot easier for me to love and accept and appreciate every other human being around me. And that's a miracle today. And the question I ask is, What kind of life do I want? Tohave? It's not that a fantasy life is wrong. I lived that for many years. How could that be wrong? I lived it. That's what I did. I'm grateful I have a choice today. Do I want to experience that life, or do I want to experience a different one? Do I want to embrace the highs, all the seeing, naked women I've never seen before and entering in all these fantasy situations? In my mind, there's lots of good parts to it, which must be acknowledged. There's a nice high effect that goes along with watching it, but there's a lot of lows that go along with it, too, and I don't want those lows today and I'd rather have the highs in the context of spending time with my wife and the rest of my life. Then they have those highs sitting there naked on a chair with a paper towel next to me, watching porno for the 2000 plus time. I'm grateful today that I have a choice not to do that. After years of feeling like I had to do that, rather I wanted to or not. So thank you for experiencing this with me. I hope this insight in the relationships with other people is helpful. 14. The benefits of staying stopped: what is the most critical point or goal to achieve and focus on for me with any addiction? The key thing I look at is staying stopped and truly liking it. I'm not suggesting through anything I share here that you simply go on willpower, swear some solemn oath and stay away from watching porn forever and then reminisce. Think about how great it was. Wish you could do it. Struggle. I'm not suggesting any of that. What I aim at with my own porn watching addiction is to stay stopped and like it to not be standing here today with you and wishing God, I wish I could just pull up some porn right now and just have have my way but Toby here and be extremely happy that this is how my life is today. I've heard a lot of people talk about quitting smoking and they say, Man, I just want that cigarette. It's so hard, I think about it. That's not what we're aiming at. What I've learned going Alcoholics Anonymous is that willpower doesn't work on a powerful addiction. To me, the key of a powerful addiction is that is powerfully good and bad. I didn't have a hard time quitting drinking because I just had all bad times with it. I had a lot of fun. At least I think I did drinking. And that's why it was hard to quit. When you have something that both offers a lot of good and bad, it's not as simple for me as saying I'm done. I'm gonna quit. I tried lots of times to quit almost every addiction in my life, and I always went back to it. Every one of them gambling, online alcohol, porn, watching. I always would go back to an addiction when things got tough. When something happened when someone would die or get sicker, I'd be frustrated or things wouldn't go well at work. Why? Because I hadn't changed the fundamental belief in my head. I hadn't looked into and got toe work helping other people. I'd simply used willpower and said, Eyes Jerry, band filled will not drink. I remember one time I had a horrendous argument. My wife and I swore to God I never drink again, and that kept me sober for a couple months. I would watch porn and I'd wake up. I'm never gonna watch porn again. God, I'm a disgusting person. I can't believe I did that. And I'd be watching and downloading it again that night. I don't install the program from my computer. I delete all the files in college, and then I'd be I do it all over again for gambling. Same thing I would put the money on. I'd lose it all I had one night, I smashed my entire dorm room up. I smashed the keys off the keyboard. I threw things around, knocked things over. I smacked my hand on the wall. There was blood everywhere I woke up. I'll never do that again. And I'd be gambling sometimes that day, sometimes the next day. The thing with addictions is that they do something good or it wouldn't be hard to quit them. If I just came up and slapped you across the face, you'd have no problem quitting that you simply wouldn't go near me anymore. So I'm not gonna go over and see Jerry's gonna slap me now if I gave you $100 invited you into my home. We had ah, great time talking and laughing. And then I slapped you in the face that is more like what an addiction is. And often what our minds focus on is all the good. That's why I used a judge girl so hard that were in an abusive relationship. The guide beat him up and they run home to their parents. They kicked him out, he'd get arrested and they'd say, Never again and they'd be telling me about it and planning on going out me. And guess what? The next day, the next week, the guide be back in their life, they'd be moved back in with him. He'd be beaten her again or whatever it WAAS and I used to judge so hard because that was my life. I was an abusive relationship with myself. I drink, have a horrible hangover. I'd gamble, mask my finances up. I watch porn feel disgusting. The trick is to stay stopped and to really make a new way of life. And what I've found is this is not something I can do alone. The problem exists alone. The problem exists in isolation. When I washed all this porn, 99% of it was washed by myself when I got drunk. The majority of the time was spent by myself when I gambled. Now obviously other people had to participate the majority of my time. Gambling was, if you just looked at the room by myself, with essentially some objectified person playing on the other end. Most of my addictions have been experienced alone. This is why it's so hard to deal with these things because we want to apply a fix that's in the same way of thinking as the problem. Einstein said. Ah, problem. Something like this. I insights that said something like that. We have to rise to a new level of thinking to fix the problems created by our old way of thinking. In other words, you for me. I found I can't use the same level of thinking to fix an addiction that it was created in addictions like porn addiction get created in this feeling of not good enough of being all alone, of lonely, of wanting some pleasure of wanting escape, of not liking life, how it is of looking around and saying what would make this better, what's lacking here and trying to put something in off that empty hole in the heart that says, you know, if I had a beer right now that really fixed things up. You know, if I pull up, go to that adult website. Yeah, that had some fun. That this boring day if I went and did a wire transfer credit card or whatever met that I was using and put a little money on this gambling website that really picked this day out put in it. Yeah. The thing is, Ah, porn addiction. If you like me is very likely to have a lot of good parts to it. And in my experience, there's no staying stopped and enjoying it without replacing those good parts. The things that are good about porn addiction are plenty. The feeling of excitement, of desire is fun. And the problem is, when you are conditioned on Lee, experience the excitement of desire in an acceptable way watching porn, it makes it difficult to manage out in the rest of life. Now, I experienced that same excitement of desire that I used to get watching porno. I experienced that with my wife. Whereas when I used to just watch porno so much, it was harder to experience desire for my wife, which is Ah, horrible feeling, especially when you're with someone who's beautiful, takes great care of themselves. And yet we take. This is normal. I also experienced that same pleasure of desire, just being around another attractive woman and occasionally an attractive man. I it hurts, but yet I thought associated that with feeling good. I was checking out yesterday after getting my massage, and the lady at the desk is very attractive and it just hurts. But it's also I call it hurt now because it's the same feeling I used to get watching porn . It's this excitement, this desire, this hot, sensational, the blood running around and getting excited like whole God and this. Now I get to experience this just being around other women, and I don't feel bad about it now. That's what's so cool. I feel this is healthy. When one compatible body is near another compatible body for producing Children, it's on Lee reasonable. The pain of desire or the pleasure of desire be there. That's how we've got seven billion people on this planet, a whole lot of that. It's a good thing and it's so fun now to get that in a way that I'm not ashamed of to just stand there and be able to not simply objectify the girl behind the counter, being attractive and just focusing on wanting to see her sexual characteristics. But really, being able to see all of her as if I'm looking in the mirror, how she has their hair done, her tattoos, her nails, whatever she's wearing, to be able to see the whole person in front of me is amazing. It's like the music is playing really louder. It's fun, and it prompts me to be nice and generous to people and to give compliments that aren't bland. Like while you're really beautiful. The complete objectifying comments that you've heard guys especially do before and you just cringe like like, Wow, your parents must have really done something right or man. Some man is really lucky comments like that now with experiencing the pain of desire in a way that then feels good to me, the same as it did watching porn, I now have the excitement to actually have the person in front of me instead of being unreachable on the screen, and I don't feel the need to see them naked to appreciate their beauty and then I can give compliments. I find that compliments come very naturally in this environment. For example, the same girl working behind the counter. I told her one day that she whipped out her smile for me and I said, I love seeing your smile, just that simple and man, She just was like I lit like she just lit up with that compliment like, man, because that's a compliment you could give to a woman of any age. My daughter. I love her. Smile. It's so beautiful. She's a year and 1/2 old and there's a lady that goes to a I see she's nearly 80. I love her smile, too, and that's what's amazing to experience. Ah, whole different way of living. Then I don't crave that world of porn anymore. I don't go out in public and wish that I could just go and watch my porno because I get to experience life on a whole new level when I'm out places and that's amazing. I get to really see people when they're in front of me with as much excitement as I used to watch porn with. I remember I get so excited thinking about all the girls I was going to get to see naked when I'd be walking home. Ah, from graduate school thinking about watching porn. And now I get I get excited just leaving my house, thinking all the beautiful people I'll get to see when I'm out. And it's ah, wonderful world to live in today. But this is one of the small gifts. One of the biggest gifts is getting to more fully experience the desire for my wife. You see, when you're used, Teoh condemning your own desires when you're usedto feeling like you have to suffer to pay for something like this is really obvious with alcohol, I drink and get drunk, and I just expected to pay the price of a hangover for it. One of the awful things to do with your sexual desire is to pay a price for getting aroused . And for me, every time I watched porn and got a rolls, I paid a price and feeling ashamed, feeling like a pervert afterwards, and after it was all over, then I'd feel a little Yockey about life. I'd have a hard time connecting with other people. I'd feel lonely even if I was surrounded by other people with my wife, then getting into desire with her. I was so conditioned that that was a shameful state to be in that it often made it difficult to fully enjoy sex with my wife because on some deep level I felt like I was doing the wrong thing. If and then most of the rest of the time I saw I would see a girl who was attractive. I'd feel this condemnation. I'd feel that I was a pervert for noticing a girl was attractive, and I realized I asked another guy friend and he doesn't feel like a pervert because he noticed is ah, girls attractive? He figures that's normal. He figures he's being how he's supposed to. He doesn't feel like he's somehow doing the wrong thing by noticing someone else's attractive. And I'm grateful. That's how I feel, too. I'm getting freedom today that my desire is a healthy part of my life, and it's fun to experience the rising of desire just out any time and then to have the peace to know that it will fade that as soon as I start walking away from the beautiful girl that the check out counter. As soon as I turn around and start walking away, the desire starts to fade. I'm out in the parking lot and I am back in a different reality. There is no attractive girl around me. The desire simply fades away and there's this great piece. Then I can experience the desire. I can fully embrace what's happening and I can. No, it's easy to let go. I used to be afraid of being tempted a lot. I was afraid that if some girl got naked and exposed me to the pain of desire, that or the pleasure of desire that I would have to give in because watching porn so many times condition me that when I experienced desire, I had to almost like a robot go through with it. Now I have faith. I trust other people. I realized that if a beautiful girl that just randomly gets naked with me, that I can say no, that I can experience the pain of desire and let that go that I'm not easily able to be tempted because I normally experienced the pain of desire not being satisfied now when I watched porn all the time I was used to. Every time I'd get this all, I'd get all excited. I was used to the desire than being satisfied, even if it felt like I was awful. Afterwards, I was used to it. But now I'm used to most of the time that I get all excited the same way you'd imagine watching and looking at form most of the time. Now, unless it's with my wife, there's no satisfying. The desire simply fades away as soon as the stimulus is removed or shortly thereafter. When I walk away from the attractive person, the stimulus immediately phase, the desire fades away as well. And I feel like a whole person for being able to fully experience life, that I don't have to be shielded going out in public now that I don't have to have just watched porn to go safely out in public without feeling like I could be easily tempted by any other person for a long time and watch so much porn, I felt like even men could easily tempt me into shameful sexual behavior and realizing that and talking about all these things, this is how I have a wonderful and happy life here today with you. And I hope this focus on staying stopped to not just do a solution where you hold your hands and you as it's called a white knuckling it We just white not getting hold on, all right, I'm just I'm not gonna watch porn, and he jury said is bad, although I tried not to say that, but Jerry's that is bad. I'm just not gonna watch porn anymore. Oh, God, I really want to walk porn. No, I'm not gonna watch porn. Just let it go. Let it go. There's a wonderful way of living where porn is not necessary. And we're all the good things that are experienced in porn are able to be fully experienced even more without the consequences in the rest of life. 15. 12 steps to stay stopped one day at a time: how to go about staying stopped. This might sound like one of the more challenging parts. What works for me today is to be able, willing and consistently share my experience, strength and hope with others to help others by allowing someone first to help me. I had no hope for stopping compulsively watching porn until I started talking about it with another person where I could share with them honestly, to not just share the nice version. Well, I watch porn sometimes. Or to make jokes about it, huh? Yeah, man, I watched poor like every day, but to really share about how it makes me feel to really share about all the porn I've watched. Not just what I've done lately, but all the porn have washed in my whole life and how it's made me feel and how I feel when I'm about to watch a porno and when I am watching a porno and after the Boer knows over, that's what's helped me. Once I started talking about these issues, especially with other men, I started to get an exit from the prison I'd made for myself in a A. This part of the process has steps that go along with it, which I'll share here because they may be helpful. Four. Staying stopped with a porn addiction. The first step in A is to admit we're powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable. This, I feel, is very applicable to a porn addiction toe look and say that I'm powerless over my porn addiction, that I can't just stop watching it because it's the right thing to do. I know that I've tried to do a lot of things in my life, and I can't just stop watching porn. It's too much fun. I can't just stop watching it, and I can't just watch it in moderation now. It's not that I see one naked image or someone flips their phone at me real quick with an active porno on it, and I'm looking at an immediate relapse. What I'm suggesting is a way of life where I'm not tempted to watch porn. And if there is the temptation, I pray about it and let it go and move on that I don't essentially relapse and just go watch a porno home by myself. When I realized I was powerless over my porn addiction. I couldn't just stop. The same is with my alcoholism and my gambling. There's lots of things I've been able to just stop in my life. I smoked marijuana the fourth time. It made me sick. I just stopped, and you might be able to just stop watching porn. You. You might be lucky you might have got this early on in the process. If you are here, though, and you can just stop watching point. It's not that simple. You've tried and it's just not working for me. The steps of a applied to a porn addiction are very helpful because the first step of a is only one that mentions out call. The rest of it is a spiritual way of living based on principles that go in all other aspects of life. And I think they're very practical and easy to explain is related to porn addiction. The second step is to believe or come to believe that a power greater than us could restore us to sanity for me. I pray to God when I need help, which I need help on a daily basis. I pray to God before I get out of bed I'll do anything to stay sober because I realized that's my biggest temptation. Most all my other temptations lead to that one, and if I'm willing to do anything about that one, I'm willing to do anything about the others, too. And then I pray throughout the day. If someone showed me a porno and temptation all the sun, they just stopped in front of the jury. How here's a porno. If they just stopped all the sudden in front of me and temptation arose, I'd pray to God, God help me because I realized for me to do any more of that will be insane. And yet I go insane sometimes, sometimes all the rational. Everything that matters goes out the window, and I'm insane. The key is that while I'm insane, I believe that I can be and will be restored to sanity by essentially opening myself up to the universe, to God, to the towel, whatever you want to call it to restore me to sanity. This empowers of following steps. Then the third step is turning my life and will over to God. As I understand God, that is just ah, higher power. If you like the towel. You can put it in whatever terms you want to. The idea is that I'm here to be of service. I'm not here to just crank out a little bit of fun wherever I can. I'm not here for selfish reasons. I'm here to be of service to all the others. I'm here to have faith in the whole process. I'm here to learn out of love. And when I'm here to learn out love, that gives me the courage to jump into the four step, which is toe make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. That means in the terms of porn addiction, looking at it, think about all the porn I've watched. Not just what I've done lately. Think about my whole history. The very 1st 1 I saw And what happened after that. Look at how it makes me feel. Look at the various things I used to do. For example, I used to watch porn right before I go out on a date. Why? Because then I wouldn't be subject to the pain of desire. I could go out on a date and be cool. I wouldn't feel the need to get laid on the date. Now how crazy is that? You're supposed to experience a desire on a date, but I discovered in looking most of us we often avoid looking in because we're scared of what will find for me being free of a point. Addiction. Staying stopped has taken looking in a lot. Look at take complete inventory. The way of business like a grocery store would take inventory and see what's on their shelves. Take a look at my full, the depth of my porn addiction. And when I look at that, then I'm motivated because all of the sudden I start feeling like a really last e person. When I consider all of it. When I look at all of it, I start feeling disgusting, disconnected. God help me back to the prayer. Then the fist up is admitted the exact nature of my wrongs to another person to God or a higher power and two on myself. Now this process, I think, is absolutely critical, and I went through this for my porn addiction. I talked with a priest. I talked with several other guys in a and now I'm even sharing this with you and I've talked about it in even more detail than I've shared here with you, describing exact things that were seen in the portal exact genres off porno I've described and eggs exactly what actions I took. I've described these things in clear detail. No hiding, no lying, no secrecy, full disclosure to another person. And that's where I've got the chance to exit the prison as long as I've got all these secrets that I won't tell people I went years and sure, I Joeckel my friends about watching porn. But I never told anyone the full truth until I started working these steps first on my alcoholism, then on my porn addiction, because I realized staying sober with a porn addiction sucks after six. There a months of being sober and still having my porn addiction, I said, I don't want this anymore. And that's the six step is to look at all character defects. Ah, porn addiction doesn't exist in isolation. Ah, porn addiction exists with lots of other defects, usually even things like arguing with my wife. Judging other people, A porn addiction exists alongside those, and often if you just try and force the porn addiction for example, you just try and force it out and say, I'm not going to do that anymore and don't make any real change. Lots of times, the other stuff will get worse. You might force your port addiction out, but you might find yourself flirting more with opposite sex or same sex whatever. You might find yourself even more tempted in person. The idea is to make a really change, and the six and seven steps emphasized. I'm being willing to change everything else that we could do better. The six Tub says. We became willing toe have God remove all of our defects of character, something like that. And then the seven step is we humbly ask God or higher power. We literally ask the master at the very top of the game at the very highest level. Please help remove my short comings, and this is how they get removed. Suddenly, my shortcomings turn into an asset. I'm now here with the chance to help you, because my shortcomings, instead of me being alone in a room with an adult movie now and that that part of my past encouraging me to do the same thing today I'm instead here sharing this with you with the hope that is helpful for you. Then the eighth and ninth steps in a emphasize, making a list of the people we've harmed and then going to make amends to them. The point being, if you watched a lot of porno, you make a list of the people that's impacted, and I've done this with so many different things in my life. I've went through and I didn't just stick to alcoholism. I made a list, hundreds of people, hundreds of things I did wrong, and I still keep looking and looking. And who did I hurt most with my porn addiction myself. I hurt me the most. I punished me the most with my porn addiction, who got its second most My wife. My wife got her. And what's the best way I can apologize to my wife for my point addiction. It's by not watching any more of it is by not doing anymore, that is, by being fully present with her. One more intimate. That's how you really say you're sorry is by not doing the same damn thing again and again . And again, Do not say you're sorry and then do the same thing the same night the next night, but to really make a change. That's how you say you're sorry and then to extend that out in the rest of life. And this is how I make amends. Toe. I can't make amends and say I'm sorry to all the people I've watched all their poor knows and, you know, Ben desired. And them I can't say I'm sorry that way, but I can create this. I can do This is my amends. And then the 10 step you continue to take personal inventory and when you're wrong promptly admitted today I keep looking at What am I doing in terms of my sexual behavior? What am I doing in terms of my porn watching? And if there's anything new that comes up, admit it. If someone runs up and shows me important on their phone, Jerry, watch this corner, then it's up to me as part of the 10 step. That's something I would then take and say, You know, I saw first, I don't know, however many seconds like saw before I had to look aware. Maybe I just kept looking like a train make. I couldn't stop, and this allows for not essentially relapsing to just correct all those little wrongs when they come up in every area. When I say something nasty to my wife to fix it to say, Look, I'm sorry I was rude, inconsiderate, and to try and learn from that and avoid the same mistake in the future because if I get rude to my wife, it's on Lee. So much of that before I'm in here watching porn before I'm saying before, I've made my wife so mad that she didn't want to be intimate. Then what's my mind going to say? Well, your wife's not putting out timeto watch porn That'll show her, won't it? Admitting each of my new wrongs allows me to essentially solve little problems before they get really bad. And you'll notice all of this takes looking inside, trusting the universe and working with other people. The 11 step in A is to then seek through prayer and meditation conscious contact with our higher power. And for me, this really helps to keep me connected because sometimes things just happen. Ah, girl will lean over at this and I'll see right down into her shirt and all the sudden the pain of desire will come up and be swirling around in my head All that same porn fantasizing all that will get rolling again. And then I say, God help me, it hurts to be stuck in my head swirling around fantasizing, feeling like a bad person God help me and to then make consistent prayer and meditation seeking contact with I look at my higher power is all humans to make that a regular part of my life read spiritually books. I read a books on a daily basis to pray and look for guidance toe. Listen at what people are really saying around me to pay attention to what other people are doing near me to really listen and not just be interested in what I'm going to reply with, then the last F in A is to We practice these principles in all our affairs and we carry the message toe others. In other words, all the things I'm telling you I go do them when you're not looking. I pay attention to them when I'm alone. As I'm in my house alone right now, I could do whatever I want Right now, I practice these principles when no one else is looking. And then I carry the message to you which I hope I've done here is to share what I've learned with you out of the selfish desire that I want a better life. I want to be happy. I don't want that old life of being alone in my room with my porno. And I want to be completely free of the nostalgia within to reminisce. Oh, it was so great to have it that way before. No, I want this to be the very best moment off my whole eternity of my whole life. I don't want ah life where I've given up these things and say, man, it used to be nice when I could get drunk and gamble on watch porn have that used to be They got great way to live. And now I was talking to a family member about how the face of life there in is just not fun. How these other phases of life are so much nicer. Know every phase of life has its ups and downs. I could be completely miserable right now in my situation. There are millions ofpeople who are I would imagine who are miserable in a very similar situation. To me, they have a child, and all I do in my life is work. Spend time with my family, go to a meanings that is my whole life, and I get to play. Music is a part of my work, and I talk about all these things open myself up for all this judgment and criticism, that's my life. You could look at this life and point out all kinds of ways to be miserable. Look at that bedtime. You go to bed every night. Whenever your wife goes to bed, you have to get up whenever your daughter wakes you up. I could easily make the point of life. I'm at miserable. The idea of really being free oven addiction is to truly find a way of living that is so enjoyable. There's no desire to go back to that other way of living that going back to whatever you were doing before seems insane. Then why would you want to thank you very much for helping me just by watching this and in practical terms and knowing that you're likely to watch or listen to read. This has motivated me to make it. And you've helped me to continue staying stopped on my own porn addiction. The longer I go, it's been two years now. I realize I'm not free of a relapse. I could have a relapse in five minutes if I don't do all the things I'm telling you about and sharing these things teaching It helps me to remember it, because while I've got Alcoholics Anonymous to go to on a daily basis, I don't know where I can go to on a daily basis for help with my porn addiction. But I hope that this is useful for you with whatever you might be experiencing in your life today. 16. Thank you for finishing the class! Would you help me make it better?: thank you very much for completing the earliest version of this class on skill share. I'm hoping to make this into a book and audiobook and maybe even a video course available in other places. Would you help me figure out what else I should add to this class to make it an ideal format for you? Would you like me to answer specific questions? Would you like me to talk about other areas of life? Would you like me to add more videos to this To make it comprehensive? Would you please take the time to help me by sharing a question or discussion saying, Jerry, would you talk more about this or share a project and say, I'd like to see you Gombe or into this? Whatever you think I could add to it. Would you please suggest that because then I will be able to make the best help available for others. And if my experience is anything with this subject, there's a lot of us that need help with this, and I'm honored to have a chance toe work on helping with that. Now I would love if you would help me with it. Thank you. very much for watching this class. Would you please leave a review on this class if you found it helpful? Because that will show other people that is worth their time that will help other people. If you've enjoyed benefited from this class to receive the same benefit, you're all the way in the end. And I know I start a lot of classes. Getting to the end means something often helped me a lot. Would you please, just quickly If you've got to the end, hit that lever of you hit. Yes, you don't have to get anything else. If you don't include a public review, your name won't be seen or anything. But just hitting that yes button and submitting a review will allow the class to show that feedback. Privately, people be able to see it's got 100% review rating on it. Thank you very much for joining me on this journey. I appreciate you being here, and I thank you very much for watching this class with me.