Take Back Control of Your Life: When and How to Say No | Mike Clayton | Skillshare

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Take Back Control of Your Life: When and How to Say No

teacher avatar Mike Clayton, Business Speaker and Author

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
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Watch this class and thousands more

Get unlimited access to every class
Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Lessons in This Class

32 Lessons (3h 7m)
    • 1. Why is No Important?

    • 2. Why is No so Difficult? Your Inner Gopher

    • 3. Why is No so Difficult? Six things that Drive you to Say Yes

    • 4. What to do to Challenge your Instincts on No

    • 5. What to Say No to

    • 6. Specific Things to Say No to

    • 7. When to Say No

    • 8. What are Your Choices?

    • 9. When to Say No to Relationships

    • 10. What does No Mean?

    • 11. What is Special Time?

    • 12. How to be Happy with No

    • 13. How to Decide Yes or No: Six Tools to Help Make Your Decision

    • 14. How to Decide Yes or No: Six Ways of Thinking about Any Problem

    • 15. How to Make No Feel Easier

    • 16. Before we Say No What is Assertiveness?

    • 17. How to Say No

    • 18. How to Say No to Friends and Loved Ones

    • 19. How to Say No to Customers

    • 20. How to Say No to False Assumptions

    • 21. How to Say No to Temptation

    • 22. How to Say No to Your Colleagues at Work

    • 23. How to Say No to the Things you Put up with

    • 24. How to Say No to Procrastination, and just Get on with it

    • 25. How to Say No in Negotiations

    • 26. How to Set Goals

    • 27. More Tips on How to Say No

    • 28. What if they Resist your No?

    • 29. What if You Want to Say Yes?

    • 30. What if You need a little Extra Boost?

    • 31. Four 'What if?' Questions

    • 32. What if You don't Follow my Advice?

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About This Class

This is the ultimate guide to saying 'NO'.

When to say NO and how to say NO

If time management methods aren't enough to release the productivity you want...

Unleash the power of NO to get more done.

This course includes all you need to take back control of your life. This means that you can start to say Yes to the right things and No to the rest. And that means more time for what matters and less stress from what doesn’t.

Too many people find they need more time in their lives to do the things they want. And time management is not giving them enough of an answer.

Focusing on doing things effectively, just means you get more things done. Learning what to say Yes to and what to say No to, means getting the right things done and achieving more... by doing less.

But do you find the tiny little word 'No' alarmingly difficult to say. If you worry that it sounds negative, that people won't like you, that you'll miss an opportunity, or that something will go wrong if you say No, then you need this course.

Because these fears mean that you are no longer in control of your life.

Learn when to say No and how to say No.

This course is delivered entirely as high quality videos delivered by author and professional speaker, Dr Mike Clayton. Mike is author of the best-selling guide: 'The Yes/No Book'.

Enroll Now

Enroll for this course now, so you can start to regain control of your life straight away.

Meet Your Teacher

Teacher Profile Image

Mike Clayton

Business Speaker and Author


Hello, I'm Mike.

I'm a business trainer, consultant, author and speaker. Over the last 15 years, I have trained many thousands of supervisors, managers, leaders, and professionals.

Since 2002, I've been helping professionals, managers and leaders to excel in their roles with management, leadership, and personal effectiveness training.

I have written over a dozen books for major publishers like Wiley, Macmillan and Pearson, including: Powerhouse, How to Manage a Great Project, How to Speak so People Listen, Brilliant Time Management, and The Influence Agenda.

My professional background is 12 years as a project management professional with the London office of international management consultancy Deloitte. Prior to that, i had an academic career in Physics, wor... See full profile

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1. Why is No Important?: Hello, my name's Mike Layton. Have you found that sometimes you just don't get enough done? Have you found that sometimes what you're doing is what matters most to the people around you rather than to you yourself. If you've had those problems, then it's time to learn how to say no because many of us find that our time management techniques, the techniques that could make us more productive work really well up to a certain point. And it's at that point, we discover that what we're doing whilst very productive, is producing the wrong things. It's working towards the wrong hands when you need more time Still on all of your time management techniques have run out. There really is only one last recourse on that last recourse is the toughest one of all its learning how to say no more effectively. And while you're learning how, say no more effectively, you also need to know when to say yes on when to say no. This program is designed for you. It's designed for people who find they want more time to do the things that matter to them . For people who want to be able to say yes or no in a more considered fashion and who want the skills to be able to look someone in the eye and to say no confidently, assertively and courteously, just a little bit selfish, too. It shouldn't because the wonderful paradox around this, what we find is the people who make more time for doing the things they care about, for achieving what they really want in the world also tend to be the people who are better able to support. I'm careful the people around them. They're the people who find the energy and the time to give to their friends to their family and say they're trusted colleagues. So if you want more out of your life, if you want to achieve more than is really and truly worthwhile, then you need to master the art of saying no. You need to learn how to say no and take back control of your life. The question I'm sure you're asking is, what will I get if I learned how to say no more effectively and there are six principal things that you can expect to get, and the first is the time to meet all of your commitments and to do the well, because when you take control of your urge to say yes to everything, you can focus on doing fewer things, you'll have more time for them, and therefore you will do them better, and you'll feel less pressured about it, too. So there's a good chance that you will enjoy doing them. Maura's well, so this will give you more satisfaction from the things that you do. One of the things we know is when you concentrate on the work that you're doing, when you can give it all of your attention on all of your focus, then you start to fall into what is known as a flow state and flow states of the optimum state for us to be in because flow states give us joy and pleasure from the work we're doing. We're constantly aware of what we're achieving. We're constantly focused on doing better, and of course, when you can focus, you can focus on doing the most important things, and that really starts to make a difference because as you let go of the less important things, the significance of what you achieved increases and you'll really start to feel like you're making real progress with your your goals with your projects with your career, with your day to day work on. Of course, with your life and when you're focused on fewer things, you also feel that you have more control of your workload. You are able to schedule things further in advance, make better plans. And when you make better plans, it's easier to reject those interruptions and disturbances that constantly get in your way . On frustrate you. You can start to balance how much you set out to achieve in a day and how much time you give over to rest to relax ation until recreation. And of course, when you're achieving more on when you're doing so in a more relaxed and positive manner, then people will start to have a greater respect for you. No longer are you a yes man or, yes, woman who does everything and meet every demand that people bring to you like some shallow sapling that blows around in the breeze. No, now you're someone who knows your own mind on focuses on what's really important and gets it done, and finally, because you're able to focus because you have that sense of satisfaction from getting things done. You're gonna have more time to relax and enjoy your life. Imagine that achieving more by doing less and having more time to enjoy the rewards of what you've achieved. So why is it so important to be able to say no? Because without the ability to say no, you have no control over your life. If you're not able to say no in a confident, assertive and courteous way, then other people will control your life and what you do with it when you follow the advice in this program and learn how to say no and equally important, how to determine when to say no, Then you can start to take back control. You will start to own your own life. Come with me on the journey. I look forward to seeing you on the inside of this course. No 2. Why is No so Difficult? Your Inner Gopher: I know that you find it difficult to use the word no. And you know you find it difficult and you're probably wondering why Why is such a small, simple word so difficult to use? And the answer is because a tendency that all of us have it's that tendency. When someone asks us for something, just a sigh. Yes, And so at the end of a busy day, you get home and you feel that you've been busy all day, but you've achieved very little, maybe even nothing worthwhile. You become a victim. Off the go for the gofer is my word for your tendency to go for this and to go for that to go for whatever it takes to go for whatever offer that comes your way. And we do this for three reasons. And the first is Michael autopilot, because when someone asks you to do something, you often don't think about it very carefully. They catch you in a moment, and you have a stock default. Polite response. Yeah, or worse. Still, the four words that you'll hear yourself saying time after time after time as you go through your working life and yet you know that as soon as you've said that you're gonna regret them. Four words. Leave it with me. That's your autopilot. But even if you're not pray to order Pilot, there's another thing that's going on and that you'll need to please, because are we all just a little worried? If we say no to somebody will disappoint them, will upset them. They will no longer like us. Respect us, be our friends that need to please is so, so important in all of us, and it leads us to say yes to things that we rather not do. Indeed, we now we really ought not today. And there's 1/3 reason is, well, it's known as maximizing the desire to maximize what you've got. Which is ironic, of course, because as soon as we say yes to something, we reduce our opportunities to get what's really important to us. But every request, every question, every opportunity carries with it the chance of something good and the risk of saying no is the risk that we won't get back with thing. We won't seize that opportunity. Our desire to maximize every opportunity leads us to say yes, even when we know we shouldn't Let's take a look at all of this in a little more detail. The go for is your unconscious drive to say yes and to go for it. And there's a lot of psychology that underlies the reason why each of us has an inner go for Let's look at four basic problems that underlie the gofer mentality, and the first is the threat of consequences. The thought about what might happen as a result of saying no, Maybe you're worried about arguments, confrontations, standoffs, conflict. None of us like any of that. So perhaps it's easier just to say yes. We also talked about maximizing a few moments ago in the loss of opportunities. Indeed, one of the most powerful techniques that advertisers use and sales people use is the one last chance gambit. If you say no now, you may never, ever get another chance. It's perhaps over say yes, it's one of the most powerful persuaders there is, and so that fear of loss on what we might fail to gain by saying no weighs heavily in our minds. The second concern we often have is how we might look toe others if we say no. You probably think that you're a nice person. Are you the sort of person who says no? Can a nice person be the sort of person who says no in your mind? You're probably worried that I can't. So what you have to do is to start to separate, being nice on being easily compliant. It's perfectly possible to be a nice person and yet have your own mind. And to make your own choices. We don't wanna look bad. We want to impress people, one of impress people with what we can do. And many people got to where they have got in their careers and in their lives by being good at saying yes on. By being good and fulfilling their commitments, no starts to feel like a weakness and, of course, assumes we start to raise the question of a weakness. There's the possibility that someone will point to and say No. You sure you scared you frightened? You're worried you won't be able to, And suddenly your hackles rise your rise to the bait, you say All right. Okay. You've fallen for it. How you appear to someone has nothing to do with whether you say yes or no and everything to do with want you say yes or no to and how you say yes or no. But there's that concern. Isn't there the third basic problem? The response you might get from the person you say no to? Maybe they'll be offended, But there's nothing wrong with saying no. It is not in itself offensive. It's a choice. Maybe you're hurt their feelings. But is this person as fragile as you fear? Maybe they'll dislike you. Yeah, maybe they will for a while. But the question is, will they respecting if you say yes to everything, just like is no accounts, because people will respect you If you say yes or no to the right things and when they respect you, that's when they start to like you. Finally, you may be worried about disappointing people about letting them down, But most of the times people have alternative options. And if you're one of those people who says yes to everything, then you are their default position. They'll come to you because it's easy. Chances are they've got many, many Backhaus. And then, of course, there's your own feelings, how you might feel if you say no because many of us take deep pride in our ability to say yes on our ability to get things done. I'm one of those. Just do it kind of people and you want to help us? Well, you want to feel useful and valuable. You want to show what you're able to do by saying No, you're giving that up. But are you because by saying no to things that don't matter, you're better able to take pride in achieving the things that do matter by saying no to the things that are less important. You're increasing your ability to help people with the things that really are important. So you may want to say yes, you may feel go for urging you to go for this and to go for that There are lots and lots of reasons why that urging will be powerful. E, but resisted in the next lecture will go even deeper into six psychological drivers that drivers to say yes and therefore frustrate your ability to say no, no 3. Why is No so Difficult? Six things that Drive you to Say Yes: good. The longest lecture we saw many reasons why psychologically, the go for drives you to say yes, go for this and go for that In this lecture, I want to take it a little bit deeper. I want to look at the work of a psychologist called TV Carla, who looked at what people need psychologically to do if they feel OK about themselves on Carla, catalogue five drivers that drive our behaviors, and we feel that if we can exceed to these drivers, that's what we need to do in order to feel OK about ourselves. So in this lecture, we're gonna look at five drivers that tie Bikaner described to help us feel OK and how they can subvert your ability to say no, the driver to be perfect, the driver to be strong, the driver to please others, the driver to try hard on a driver to hurry up and, as a little bonus will look at a sit driver. That's Heidi. Carla didn't consider one that other authors have suggested might also work in the same way . The driver to be careful. These six drivers can account for a lot of the reasons why you anally find it hard to say no. Your be perfect driver is your inner perfectionist that need to establish patterns and rituals of work to be properly organized to focus on details. It leaves you critical of yourself on often of others to, but it also means that you feel highly responsible and saying anything other than yes feels like you're gonna let yourself on other people down. And if you do that, you won't be perfect. What you need to tell yourself is that you're good enough as you all, and that's saying no is not a sign that you're not perfect. Quite the opposite. Saying no shows that you're in control. You'll be strong. Driver is the driver that leads you toe. Want to show how powerful and strong you are at least you to hide your feelings and suppress your own wants and needs. When get stressed, you withdraw and you just get on with it. You're often calm in a crisis, but you need to be able to show that you can be Stichel. You can get your head down. You can cope. So what do you do? You take on more and more. You're driven to say yes to everything because you fear that if you don't he won't be strong. We need to Who is to let yourself except your own needs and wants, and be strong enough to say no toe other people's needs and wants and assert yourself the please others. Driver lead you to put other people first. You're often a very gregarious, outgoing person caring, nurturing a team player who can also be quite neglectful of your own feelings and your own needs. People with a strong please others driver often check their words to avoid upsetting people . They're very cautious about what they do and say, because they're afraid displeasing of people around them, using their liking and respect. So what do they do? They say yes to please others. But you know what? You have to please yourself sometimes because if you don't, nobody else will. Don't just take advantage of you and you will become a doormat. People with a strong try hard driver get easily bored, easily distracted. They like stimulation, novelty and excitement there poorly organized, and they're often not very good at finishing things. They just like starting things, their creative. They're playful, they're even rebellious, the good in groups. But they don't like to take the lead. So what do they do? They say yes to everything, because everything is a novelty. Saying yes for something new relieves them in their mind the sense of obligation to finish what they've already committed to. So don't try hard. Just do it. Do what you commit to and say no to distractions and diversions that will stop you. The hurry up driver leads to a rush rush. Busy, busy lifestyle. You take on everything. Often the gofer is totally in command of the hurry up person. They get lots done, but often at last minute, sometimes quite slapdash. They talk quickly and they're not very good at listening. If you've got a strong hurry up driver, then you'll find that quantity is more important to you often than quality. You like to multi task and you know what? Because you can you take on more and more and more and you say yes to this and you say yes to that on their gofer goes for this on the go for goes for that Slow down. Take your time. Start saying no to things that getting a way of doing the things that matter properly. Thank you. You can really focus on those and hurry up and get some really good and powerful results. Are you one of those people for whom making mistakes feels catastrophic? You worried about losing what you've got? Does risk really scare you? If it does, then you got a powerful be careful driver. You know, with a strong, be careful driver. It's always just a little bit worrying to say no. Be careful. You might lose something important. No, feels dangerous. Feels possibly even care less. You don't want to take chances because you might be losing something of real value. Well, you know what? Be careful. You don't say yes for too many things and lose the opportunity. Do what matters. So what are these drivers with a theory is quite simple. At some point in our childhood, we become anxious about ourselves. We all have had anxiety Children, but we pick up messages from parents are carers, the people around us. But if we do, certain things will be all right If we hurry up, get ready for school quickly. If we're careful for be strong and don't cry, then we'll be all right. We picked these uppers Children. So there, like solid rocks in our lives. But block us from doing what we choose to do by stopping us from saying no about the things we all not to take on. It's time to learn the what of? No, it's time to learn what to say yes to on what to say no to no good, good. 4. What to do to Challenge your Instincts on No: the first step in learning how to say no is going to be to start toe, conquer some of your urges to go for this and to go for that to change your attitudes. And we're gonna look in this short lecture at three approaches to doing this. The first is going to be to think about where you can control areas of your life and where you can't. The second is gonna be to think about how you can slow yourself down to give yourself more time to make conscious decisions. On the third, it's a move your focus onto the opportunities to say yes. So look for those exciting serendipitous opportunities that could transform your life. Because if you're not good at saying no, then you won't have the time to take advantage of those opportunities. The first thing to think about is what you can and can't control, because it's very easy to get overly focused on the things in your life that are outside of your control on a since she starts focused on those, the increase your level of stress because stress fundamentally is caused by feelings of lack of control. If you want to start to improve your ability to say no more effectively to make better choices about yes and no. Then the first thing is to concentrate on those things that you can control to break that cycle offs feeling stressed because you're out of control. So spend more time on the things that you're in control off and less time going for this, going for that in a futile attempt to create a sense of control. There were things that a genuinely not within your control. The gofer mindset to go for this go for that attitude is often driven by a deep need toe feel busy, busy and toe rush rush wherever you go. And if this is the case for you, it's vital to slow yourself down consciously to be more deliberate on more careful in your tresses and in your decision making. When someone makes a request of you rather than react straight away, ask for some time to think about it. When you got time to think about it, you will know what the right answer is for you. And if you don't in later, lectures will take a careful look at some decision making support that you can create for yourself. When you take the time to make a decision more carefully, you're more often make the right decision. One of my favorite words in the English language is the word serendipity. It means on unexpected discovery. A discovery that is made by chance on the lines are full of serendipitous opportunities, chances to do something or to change something that really matters. But if you're constantly going for this and going for that and saying yes to everything, then you won't have the time to make use of those opportunities. In fact, chances are in your busy, busy rush rush go for this gulf of that life. You won't even notice all of those opportunities. When you start thinking about the value of taking the opportunities that life offers you, then you can start to see the value of saying no changing your instincts over your go for this go for that gun for mentality is all we need for the moment because we're next gonna move on to starting to think about when to say yes and crucially when to say no. So join me in the next No 5. What to Say No to: before you can say yes or no effectively, you have to know what to say yes or no to. So I want to introduce you to the distinction between goal directed activities on the one hand and guilt directed activities. Goal directed and guilt directed activities help you toe understand when to say no and what things to say no to. Let's start with goal directed activities. Goal directed activities take you towards the things you want in life. Consequently, these air the activities to say a strong, powerful committed yes to Gil directed activities. On the other hand of those activities that a driven by a feeling of obligation, a feeling that he ought to do them. These are the should in your life. They give you no pleasure. All they do is make you feel guilty when you don't do them, that guilt has no value to you except upsetting you, making you feel stressed. Yet if they were gold ribbon activity, you didn't breaks them fully. And of course, if they want absolute necessity, you just get them done. But they know their guilt driven activities. These things to say no to all work and no play my Jack or Jane, a very dull person. So in addition, toe Goal directed on guilt directed activities in making your decision whether to say yes or no, you also need to consider desire directed activities because a life without happiness without pleasure is not worth living. There are two types of happiness. First, there's the joyful excitement, the pleasures of doing something wonderful and second, that's the pure pleasure of just living. Ah, happy life. A fulfilled life on both of these are important to us. Both of them are necessary if you're to live a life that you consider worthwhile. And so, in your decision to say yes or no, you must always look at the opportunities for pleasure and take some of those desire directed activities. I really enjoy them and say Yes, finally, how often do you avoid responsibility? How often do you set the important things aside? Just fiddle around with unimportant things. We will do this, and we do it a lot on these water, known as displacement directed activities because they displace other, more important gold or even sometimes desire directed activities that you should really be saying yes to. Often these are make work tasks or, better yet, the health and just war gathering. Just daydreaming, just flicking through magazines that you've got no real interesting. It's purposeless procrastination. It's putting off other, more important things because at the moment you just feeling a little too lazy. So it's vital that you learn to say no to displacement directed activities. So what we see on four types of activities goal directed activities which take you towards the most important things in your life. They help you to achieve what you really want. And then there are guild directed activities where you feel a sense of should or ought, some sense of obligation which you can't pin down. These are activities to say no to because they bring, you know, fulfillment and they bring you no benefit. There are desire directed activities which help you have a happy and fulfilled life, but don't confuse them with displacement directed activities, the displaced, other worthwhile tasks. You're wiling away the time you feel like you're having fun. But there is no genuine joy or passion or happiness to be had so yes to gold and desire directed activities, say no to guilt directed activities and say no to displacement directed activities 6. Specific Things to Say No to: Okay, Here are some specific examples of things to say no and things to say yes to. You'll find these lists in an attachment to this lecture, but I'm gonna read them out for you, and you can download them for your convenience when you choose. So say no, Too bad habits say no to despair and guilt and any unproductive emotions say no to distractions from the important things in life, like family and friends. So say no to working on holiday or answering your phone at dinner. Say no, too easy, but floored options like simplistic solutions or rushing through an important job and say no to doing jobs but have no real value. So, you know, toe poor, dysfunctional ideas in your relationships like blame and recrimination. Say no to losing focus and dissipating your energy. Say no to compromising your principles. Say no two regrets. So when should you say no that say no, when your motivation would be fear or a sense of obligation? Where there really is none, say no when the principles are so important that if you did it, it would be absolutely wrong. Say no. If there is no clear purpose or no evidence to support why you should do something, say no to things that haven't worked for you in the past and say no when you've already tried something and failed, say no, anything that isn't truly authentic to you. On the other hand, we should say yes to caring about things that matter. Yes, even the details when they're important. So yes to staying healthy, getting good exercise, eating a healthy diet, getting good quality rest and perhaps an early night and looking after yourself, making regular appointments for checkups with the doctor, the dentist, the optician and say yes, flossing So yes to time with your family and with your friends toe honesty with other people and with yourself. So yes, a novelty and interest. Read something new. Visit a gallery or museum. Watch an interesting documentary. So yes to politeness. Unwto honesty. So yes, took courtesy, saying, Please and thank you so yes, to efficient and effective work practices a tidy workplace and say yes, asking for the things you want out of life. So say yes when it needs to be done, say yes when it's important to do it. So yes, when it's worth doing so? Yes, to things that excite you. Two things that give you real joy. Riel. Pleasure. So, yes. So things that you could take a pride in, Say yes to the things that helped build and maintain and strengthen the relationships that are important to you. Say yes. When you can learn something valuable for the future, say yes to serendipity, to new opportunities, new possibilities and hopes. Say yes when you know in your heart. But it's the right thing to do. No. 7. When to Say No: How do you decide when you should say no? It's tricky, but luckily, there are seven criteria that you can apply to help you make that choice. Let's go through them. Oneness is telling. So first will be looking at your big choices and how the yes or no answer fits with those and then secondly, logically are your goals in life. Thirdly, there's your values and forth. There's your strength, what you're good at. You also have to decide, based on the extent to which you know how to follow through on a yes. Second, you have to know what the consequences are unlikely to be. You can't know the true consequences for certain, but you have to think about and finally knowing who you truly are, because a decision that is inauthentic is one you were one day come to regret. So let's look at these one at a time in some more detail. The first criteria is knowing what your big choices are. You have to make choices in life. You have to know what each part of your life is about, what you're really priorities are, and if you don't you never have a basis for making a choice between yes and no to any request or opportunity any day. Black more Jane of all trades is master of none, so it makes no sense to try and take on too much to learn too many different things. You will never be able to do that when you know what your future is, you can pursue it with real determination. The second thing, and closely related is knowing what you're goes up each year. You should be thinking about what your goals are for the year each month. You should be thinking, What am I going to achieve this month? On this week at the end of each day? Think about your goals for tomorrow. That way you'll be able to ask yourself, If I say yes to this, will it be truly goal directed? Will it actually be guilt directed or even a displacement directed activity? You have families in your life. I'm sure there are things that are important to you. You may have got them as a result of careful, mature adult consideration, although for many of us are values come from early in our lives, from our family and friends, our society our culture, our education, wherever your values come from. If they're the right values for you, then in making your mind up whether to say yes or no, you've got a vital filter, haven't you? If I take this on, is this consistent with my values or conflict? Because one thing we know for sure when we feel compelled to do things that conflict with our values on often guilt directed activities do just this when we feel compelled to do things that conflict with our values. That's when we feel stress. When we feel stress, everything suffers our relationships, our happiness and our health. Of course, we always happiest when we're doing things that we're good at, particularly when we're doing things that we're good at on. We're doing them to, ah, high level challenges. So when you're asked to do something, ask yourself consistent. Is this with my strengths? The things I'm good at, because if you're good at them, then you'll enjoy doing them to say yes. So things that help you develop on exercise your strength. So I know things that I really want. The next question is, do you know how so before you say yes to anything. Just think in your mind what would the process. But what are the things I would need to do? What's the sequence I might need to do them in? And the timing Do I have the time it takes in the resources that I would need the materials and access to the information? Is there anything this is dependent upon? And if there is, how would I make sure I gain some control over that? What uncertainties are there in what I'm being asked to do? And what are the risks? What assumptions doing it to make it once I've made them validate. Because if you don't have the answers to all of these questions, any decision to say yes has to obey dangerous decision. If you don't get good answers to these questions, then the safe answer is no. The sick thing is to think about the potential consequences. You won't know what the real consequences going to bay, but think about the consequences from four perspectives. Firstly, for yourself. How would this decision to say yes or no effect may in May, not apart from having to put in the work or not, but ultimately this is your decision on every decision, opens opportunities and closes others. And how does it affect you? The person who's asking me to do this if I say no, will this seriously affect you with this seriously harm here? And what about all those other people that you feel a genuine sense of responsibility for and for whom? You embrace that sense of responsibility? Because selfishness is a valuable trait and nothing to be ashamed off. But so is selflessness, and your values will help to drive where that balance needs to be for you. And finally, let's not forget the universe now. I don't get grand and spiritually about this, but we have obligations to the planet to doing the right thing, and your values once again will help you decide just how far those obligations go on what those obligations mean to you. Finally, you need to know who you are in order to act authentically, because some requests will help you endorse your sense of purpose in life and your sense of identity and others will conflict with them. And it's okay to stand out from the crowd and to act differently. Some people enjoy that But for others, that's not really who they are. And so your decision to say yes, we'll know needs to be a genuinely authentic one. So there we have it. Seven criteria to help you make the decision between yes and no. Sometimes you feel your hurried rushed into making a decision on. That's when the gofer jumps in on goes for it and you say yes without thought. So take your time. Make a considered decision taking into account all of these seven criteria Because when you do, that's when you get control. No. 8. What are Your Choices?: when you get an opportunity, One of the most important questions to ask is, What are your choices? If you say yes or if you say no, you still have choices. And one most important considerations when deciding which choice to adopt is the timing. Now it's worth saying a little bit about time management, because although time management isn't the subject of this program, it's clearly a very related topic. So what I'm gonna say might shock you. Time management is impossible. You can't manage time if that scientists would tell us that we don't know what time is anyway. It is worth knowing that there are two fundamental types of activity on the first unknown as time critical activities, time critical activities. Oh, those for which there is a deadline looming that have to be done at a specific time in order to get done properly. If you don't do them within that specific time, then not worth doing it, all the other sort of activities are far more appealing. They are known as time charmed activities. I called time charmed activities because you have choice. You could do them when you choose, which gives them a real child, So the distinction was going time critical and time charmed will give us our first set of choices later on. In this lecture, I'll also introduce you to 1/3 type of activity. These are time expired activities, time, critical activities. Did Tate when they need to get done if you don't do them at the right time, all is lost interruptions a time critical because you have to deal with them when they occur and other activities become time critical. Once you start them, you have to get finished. So one of the choices that we have with time critical activities Well, choice Number one is to say no, don't do it because your timing dictates that other things are more important to you to do by the deadline of than the opportunity that you've got now for the request has been made, the second choice is to take it on. But to do it to a minimum standard or to do only a part of it, Choice number two is cut it down to size. Choice number three is to say no by saying yes except the task, but then give it away and ask someone else to do it, someone who is better able to do it, someone who has more time, someone who could learn from the process of doing it. Someone will enjoy doing it. His kind of delegation is particularly important in an organisational context where we try to develop people and use our time effectively on choice. Now before, of course, is to say yes and to get on with it. Time. Charmed activities give us more options. Still, they're wonderful because we can choose when to do it, which means we can choose to do it when it suits us. Went effective and when it's efficient, sometimes by making a suitable choice about when to do something we can not only at more efficiently, but we could save ourselves money or other resources. So with time charmed activities, it's a mistake toe automatically default to doing it Now. Choice number five, therefore, is to schedule the time charmed activity and do it at a time that suits you. Sometimes you'll choose to do it in a time where you have more time available for you to concentrate. Sometimes your group tasks together when you need a common set of resources for example, I'm preparing all of these video lectures. What I'll do is get the set up on the microphone ready and then record a number of lectures one after another by bunching activities. I could be much more effective. Now is the time to introduce you to our third type of activity. Time expired activities, time expired activities, activities for which it no longer makes sense because the time is polished an invitation to an event. For example. The event happened yesterday. You don't have to consider whether or not that's the event for you. You can just put it straight in the bin e mails for backlogs in our inbox and sometimes that creates a set of time expired activities. So choice number six is just a dick Shit now And don't do it. Take a look about activity on make a quick decision that there is no benefit from acting now. This leads us to a very powerful strategy which I could call purpose if procrastination purpose of procrastination gives us choice number seven put something off until the problem goes away because with purpose of procrastination, we put something off because there will be a better time to tackle it or if we put it off, we may never need to tackle it. There were efficiencies with grouping things together because I talked about with choice Number five. Purpose of procrastination covers that, but it also covers putting things off so that you may no longer need to do it. So there we have it. Choice number seven. Put it off until the problem goes away. I'm gonna contrast now. Purpose it with purpose. Full procrastination purpose. Full procrastination is putting something off so that you can do something else instead because sometimes you just get in the mood for doing something particular. And as long as that's something particular is not a displacement directed activity but is worthwhile in itself. Then seize the moment. Choice Number eight is to put something off to make space for something else, an activity that is more opportune, more pressing, more critical. Or perhaps you've just had that moment of inspiration that grabs you and says now is the time. So what choices do you have when it comes to doing something? We talked about eight choices that's just briefly recap what those choices were. If it's a time critical activity, you could say no, you could cut it down and reduce the activity, or you could accept it and then ask someone else to do it. Or finally, you could simply say yes. If it's a time charmed activity, then you can accept it and then schedule it to a time that suits you. If it's a time expired activity, then you can ditch it and you can use purpose. It procrastination as a means of putting something off long enough so that it will become a time expired activity. And finally, there's purposeful grass donation seizing the opportunity to do something else because now is the time to do that. Something else. Eight choices. Eight choices that give you control. However you yes or your No, no. 9. When to Say No to Relationships: okay, of all the areas of life where knowing whether to say yes or no is particularly difficult, the most difficult of all is often the question. Should I stay or should I go knowing whether to say yes or no to a relationship? So to help you, I put together five rules of thumb for relationships. The first rule of thumb is that you should be thoughtful and careful when you act to make your decision. Don't make decisions when you're angry, upset, depressed. Don't make your decision out of spite to try and hurt someone on a whim, because the mood takes you take time to make careful decision. Be as objective as you can, but you also need plenty of time to listen to your heart in the second rule of thumb. Please don't let the problem fester. There'll come a time when you know a decision is needed. You don't know what that decision is going to be, quite possibly. But even if the decision is to stay, the sooner you think about it carefully make that assume and commit to doing what it takes to maintain and build back their relationship the better, because if you let it fester. If you let problems fester, it'll grow larger, Harder to tackle. The third rule of thumb is to be a subjective as you can about your behavior as well as theirs. Because it takes two to build a relationship, it takes two to turn a relationship sour. Often we project our own failings and our own problems on the other person. When you can separate those out, you might realize that the relationship is a good one. If only you could change. My fourth rule of thumb is to take responsibility yourself for the issues because as a relationship is a two way thing, any issues are as much your issues as they are the other person's. So don't get into confrontations. And don't start any conversation with you because that kind of blame fault finding whether you want the relationship to succeed or not will cause it to fail. My fifth rule of thumb is that if you have bad news breaking as soon as you can find an appropriate time and do it in a direct manner nor blunt. But don't shilly shally around the issue, you know, get straight to the point because if you tipped her around the topic. The other person know something's going on. You're not doing yourself or them any favors and listen to their response without interruption, because if you have broken it to them directly and they weren't expecting it, they need time to process it. So there you have it. Five useful rules of thumb to help you further, you'll find in the printed materials associating with this lecture a checklist of questions you can ask yourself, This is difficult. Should you stay or should Ugo. I don't want to give you the answer because I don't know the answers, but I do wish you well in finding the right answer for you. No. 10. What does No Mean?: what does No, really Me? Well, according to my dictionary, no means a negative answer to a question. It's used to express denial, refusal or disagreement. Ultimately, I guess that means that no is pretty negative. It's a negative sort of word, and most of us don't like to think of ourselves as negative. People will first think ourselves is positive people. That's why, yes, it's so much easier with the no and let's face it, I'm sure many of the people watching this electricity's find that yes has been good to them in their lives in their careers. The ability to say yes to do what it takes to make that yes come true has contributed to your success in life. It's contributed to your success in your career to date. Problem is, unless you go through life and as you go through your career, you'll find there are more and more things to say yes to yes is not a sustainable strategy . On the other hand, I was pretty negative and nobody wants to sound negative. So what are we going to do about it? Well, the answer, I found, is shockingly simple but enormously powerful. Turn now into a positive. How do we do that? Well, it's quite straightforward. The first step is to recognize that no is not a word. It's an acronym. It's two initials and oh, and n o stand for noble Objection. What could be more positive for something that's noble? No. Is positive. When we make a noble objection on, we make a noble objection. When we declined to do something for a positive reason, two things characterized our noble objections. Firstly, a noble objection is motivated by a positive intention to do the right thing on, therefore, to decline to do the wrong things. When you make a noble objection, you do so for a strategic reason. You have a limited amount of things you can do with your time, and you are carefully prioritizing to do the most important things on. Therefore, you are politely declining. You are making a noble objection to doing other, less important things which was stand in their way. The second thing that characterizes a noble objection is that when you make a noble objection, you do so in a polite, courteous and respectful manner. The way that you say no, the way that you make a noble objection really matters. So what's the meaning of? No, no is a courteous, respectful way of declining to do something that is not important enough compared with your other priorities? No is a positive thing. It's a positive choice, and it's a choice that gives you control no. 11. What is Special Time?: What a special time. Special time is a phrase I use to describe those times of the week when you are particularly productive. For one reason or another, Special time is a great time to do the things that are most important to you. So let's have a look of the five types of special time. Golden hour is that time of the day. When you're at your absolute peak during golden hour, you can achieve masses. For me, it's right at the start of the day, have a good night's sleep. I've got up, had a cup of tea and I'm working. I'm achieving, and I'm feeling great about it. Prime time of those slots in the day when you know you'll be able to work well. You save important work for those times, and you schedule that work into it. Not as not as profoundly valuable as Golden hour. Primetime is usually also good times to do work, say, for me, this will be something like around 11 o'clock. I've taken a break and now I can settle down to something new. Perhaps it's towards the end of the afternoon. I'm past that after lunch slump that I know a lot of you also have. I've got a lot of admin and bits and pieces out of the way. I've got a bit of time. This is a former prime time when I could schedule something important. Creative time. Some of us find their particular times of the day when we are at our peak of creativity. That often creativity comes at times when her brain is just a little bit turned off. So we have creative ideas, often in the margins between day and night. Time for some of us. It's those last hour or two of the day when a little bit of the dream time is starting to invade our brain. We become creative. For others. It's early in the morning because a little bit of that dream time you still left in our brain created time is when we don't think in linear organized ways. But new thoughts come to us cultivate that time. For example, if mornings are a good time for you to be creative, make sure you've got time during the morning to let those ideas out. Often you'll find that they come out anyway, perhaps during shower. Perhaps when you're going for a walk. So that's creative time. Things happen in our lives. And if we don't prepare for them, if we don't think ahead, then they can overtake us and take control of our lives. So my fourth form special times what I call the next bend time set aside between 30 minutes and maybe as long as a Nower during each week, just to think through what is coming around the next bend for many of us, we need to take ourselves away from our normal environment. I like to go to a cafe or, if I'm working at home to sit at the kitchen table with a blank notebook, just think about the future on what's coming up in the next week or two. Sometimes during next Ben time, no particular thoughts will come to you. You might drop down a few things, but nothing particularly important. That doesn't negate the value of it, because sometimes you will have a realization something that's really important, which will give you the time to plan for it and make sure that you deal with it properly. The last type of special time is what I call focus, time focused time comes in those gaps between other activities. But when you have nothing else to do, for example, you're going to a meeting. You arrive a little bit early. You find a cafe around the corner. You know you can get to that meeting in good time. So you've got time to relax and have a cup of coffee or cup of tea and get one thing done. Maybe it's read one article. Maybe it's make some notes on something you've been thinking about. Do some sketching. Focus. Time is those times those little moments, sometimes as short as five or 10 minutes when there is nothing else to do and you could get one thing done, and you could do it very well, knowing that nothing else will impinge upon you. So there you have it, five types of special time. Use them well and you could get a hell of a lot done. 12. How to be Happy with No: Okay, so you want to say no and you're committed to learning how? Say no. So you need to be happy with Know that you say and this is a problem. There was identified back in 1970 by Alvin Toffler when he coined the phrase over choice. What's hopefully discovered was that if we have too many choices, we make it harder to make a decision. And this was picked up in a more modern book by Barry Schwartz called The Paradox of Choice . What they both discovered was that choice of one or two things. We find it relatively easy, but as soon as we find a large wealth of possibilities from it very hard to make a choice, and you'll probably have found that I'm speaking into a standard digital SLR camera. I'm using a microphone. There are hundreds of each of those on the market. Making a choice about which one is right is very difficult, and there were two strategies that we can apply. It's a help us on. The first strategy is called maximizing. Maximizes are people who are instinctively inclined to look for the very, very best, the very best digital SLR camera their very best microphone maximizes typically get better results in their choices, but they find it very hard to say no. They find it very hard to say no to the things that they're going to rule out, so they spend a lot of time looking and studying un researching. And, of course, once they made their choice, they don't worry. That maybe didn't get it quite right. Maybe something new is coming market, and if they waited just a little bit longer, then they'd have an even better product. The alternative strategy is satisfies him now. Satisfy ices do find it easier to make a choice. They typically don't make quite such good choices, but curiously, they are typically much happier with the choices they make. What satisfies his strategy is is to identify core requirements, find a small number off options that suit that's requirements and then select from the one or two or three options as long as the option they choose satisfies their requirements. They're happy, and they could put everything down, Satisfy says that better at saying no. So the vast wealth of opportunities out there I say yes to the one that masses. It's the gofer in you that leads you to be a maximize. Er, you want to go for this and go for that. Go for this option. Go for that option. So the question is, how can you become more of a satisfy? So how can you focus less on the potential loss on more on what you really want? Well, you need to do is focus on which selection is right, rather than on the possible consequences of the losses arising from an alternative selection. And there's a very simple seven step process, which I'll just take you through now to help you to do that. The first step is to decide what success needs to look like. Set yourself goals and objectives as you would for many other things, but by defining the criteria for what is right for you, what is good enough? What is ideal and accept? This is step to accept that there are likely to be a number off options that meet those criteria. All of those are therefore writes choices and will meet your needs. They will satisfy you, so draw up a short list off alternatives of options that best appear to meet your needs. If, for example, you're shopping for a camera having set your criteria, look for a short list of cameras with what you consider to be a good reputation that meet those particular needs on by short list. The ideal, I would say, is three three gives you enough choice without forcing you into a this or that dilemma without creating over choice, but certainly go no more than five. I would say Step forth is to look at each choice on figure out the main benefits and the main disadvantages of each on, then evaluate each one. This is Step five against your criteria, your goals, your objectives. This should give you a favorite option. Step six is to ask yourself, How does that feel to me? Does it feel about right? Or do I harbour a subconscious preference with something else? Because your shortness contains all options that meet your criteria? It doesn't matter if you flip to not necessarily the best performing option under your criteria, and finally make are committed. Yes, shoes. One auction Embrace it completely on Make equally committed knows all of the other options . Never look back. That's your process. Your choice may not turn out to be the best choice. The maximize er in the room next door might come in and say, You know what? Over the chosen, a different one. But you chosen carefully, thoughtfully. You need to be more than confident with your choice. You need to look at any I say This meets my needs. I'm happy with it. When you learn to satisfy ice more often, you'll find that you'll spend less time on your decision making. You'll be happier with your decisions. You won't spend a lot of time regretting the possibility that you didn't know why. Get the right answer. So now you started to think about making your decision in the next lecture, we're gonna go even deeper into how to make your decision how to decide whether to say yes . Well, it's a site no 13. How to Decide Yes or No: Six Tools to Help Make Your Decision: good. This'll lecture. I'm gonna help you to make your decision yes or no? With lots of decision making tools. If that we're gonna look at two different things. Firstly, I'm going to give you six tools to help you make the decisions. And secondly, I'll give you an idea of six different ways that we can think when we're making our decisions. Let's get started. The first technique is what I call the scope process. The scope processes a five step technique. What it does is it helps you to give consideration toe your options before making a decision and scope Is five letters that Stanford firstly s for. Stop. Before you make a decision. Stop pause. Take a mental step back. And if necessary, actually take time out, then the C stands for clarifying your options. Make sure you understand the problem at hand. The decision that needs to be made on the options that are available for you. The O stands for organizing your thoughts around the strengths and the weaknesses off your options on will come back to the idea of strengths and weaknesses. In a moment when you've determined best option, then proceed. That's pay and finally very important the E stands for evaluate. I'm not looking for you to have regrets and to maximize. But having made a choice, you do need to evaluate the outcomes that you're getting in your life. Having made that choice. If you're not getting the outcomes you want, then you need to stop. Clarify what's going on. Organize your thoughts about what your new options are and proceed with a different option . So the scope process is our first technique. The second technique is strengths and weaknesses. Pros and cons. Pluses and minuses Given on option. What I its strength on witnesses. What's good about it? What is bad about it. This is an old technique, but we can make it a little bit fresher by adding in 1/3 dimension because there are some things characteristics off that option that I neither good nor bad prose nor corns. Just interesting, intriguing things to think about. So instead of dividing a shoot of paper into two on writing down the pros on one side and cons on another divided into three on right those things that doesn't sit quite as a plus or a minus, a strength or weakness in there because sometimes it's in those third factors that you will gain the most important insights into what sitting to make. 1/3 technique is to apply what is known as the Pareto principle. Now the perimeter prince support was discovered by on Italian economist At the start of the 20th century, his name was Bill Fredo Pareto, and he discovered that 80% of Italy's wealth was sitting in the back pockets of 20% of its citizens. That's 80 20. Rule still applies to the world's wealth. Today, about 80% of the world's wealth is owed by about 20% off the population. But that 80 20 rule or the Pareto principle, applies to a lot of things in life. You get something like 80% of the benefit from about 20% of the effort. So look for the 80 20 rule and try to find where you get maximum benefit for minimum effort , more bang for your buck. The fourth technique aides to think about consequences. But I'm going to suggest that there are four questions you can ask which will help you to think about consequences in a slightly different way to the way that you normally do. Question one. What will happen if I do accept this option? What would happen if I do exceed to this request? Question two. What would happen if I don't? What happened? If I don't exceed to your request, what will happen if I don't buy this piece of equipment? Question three. What won't happen if I do accede to your request? What won't happen if I do choose this particular product question for what won't happen if I don't accede to your request? What won't happen if I don't make this particular choice? These four questions one after the other, take you deeper and deeper into the consequences on without answering all four questions for yourself. You can't make a good decision, but he's the really clever thing about what won't happen if I don't do this as a confusing question and these kind of confusing kind of questions Open up some of the unconscious factors in your mind. They force you to think really carefully. Fifth process is one that was developed by our chap called Gary Klein, and it's very powerful, and he calls it the pre mortem process and the pre mortem process is if you like organized pessimism. How many times have you been involved in a project on initiative? Hasn't gone very well, and at the end you have a bit of a postmortem. You look over what went wrong and try to figure out what you did wrong, which is very important for learning, but doesn't help you with this particular project or this particular activity. Why wait to the end to look at what went wrong? Says Gary Klein. Why not conduct a pre mortem and think about all the things that can go wrong before you even start? And there's a very simple structure for how to do this. Step one is to imagine that the project has been an utter and complete fiasco. Ask yourself, What sort of things could that mean? What sort of catastrophes could have happened? Make a short list of those the big, important ones, the ones you want to focus on. And then having done that move to the next step, which is to ask yourself what could have caused those catastrophes? What could have made that kind of fiasco happened? What you're doing here is getting back to the causes of failure on the causes of failure will help you to understand the choices that you're about to make. The sixth approach is one off logical numerical analysis of a range of options. Before you even find out what your options are, they know what your criteria are gonna be for making a decision. Typically, people's criteria include things like cost, maybe its initial cost or whole life cost. Maybe something about quality. If you're purchasing a particular object like a digital SLR camera, that then you may look at one or two different quality features like the quality of the image and the speed of focusing. For example, you might be interested in other things like convenience or time for delivery. Identify ideally about three or four most important criteria and then, for each criteria, decide how important that criterion is. They may all be equally important to you. Or you may say, actually, quality of image is the most important things. I'm gonna give it a weight of two. I'm going to give the other criteria a weight of one each. Once you've got your criteria and you waited come, the next thing to do is to take your options may be the three or four cameras that you think may meet your needs and then score each one on a scale of 1 to 5. Let's say against each of those criteria, so Camera A might have a very, very good picture. Quality may score four out of five, but be very expensive and certainly school one out of five on cost that you build a table now because we may have awaited the image quality as to and everything else is one. The score of four out of five actually goes into our calculation as four times two equals eight out of 10. So now we've got a score of eight image quality. We may have a score of one for costs and all of the others when we do that for each of our options, that then allows us. So give a total score for each option and look for the one that scores the highest. Now, as I say, you do need to take those scores with a pinch of salt. Your intuition may tell you that, too. Very similar scores where one is a bit higher than yabba doesn't quite represent your assessment. Clearly, if you're doing this is part of a structure process within an organisation, then the room for judgment and gut instinct, maybe less. But when you buying your own equipment, you make the final choice. So there we have it. Six different approaches to making a decision and they can be combined. But I'm trying use or of them at once. No. 14. How to Decide Yes or No: Six Ways of Thinking about Any Problem: this'll lecture. I'm gonna help you to make your decision yes or no, with lots of decision making talk. If that we're gonna look at two different things. Firstly, I'm going to give you six tools to help you make these decisions. And secondly, I'll give you an idea of six different ways that we can think when we're making our decisions. Let's get started. The next thing to think about is thinking on the different ways that we can think on how they apply to the decision making process. On the commonest mode of thinking is what I call head thinking. Where we sit down, we consider that last technique that we looked at scoring is very much a head thinking kind of approach. But we also need to think with our heart home thinking. Think about how it effects you in a way that you will feel how it affects other people on the way that they will feel. That's a very relevant consideration. 1/3 relevant consideration is what I call gut thinking. Thinking with your instinct, your intuition and get thinking is particularly valuable in circumstances where you have a lot of relevant experience to bring to bear because then your instincts and intuitions tend to be very well honed. Outside all your deep experience, however, your instincts can let you down. So if you're an experienced photographer and you've been working with a digital cameras, but many, many years when you're looking to buy a new camera, your intuition is gonna be, well, homed. You look, a camera on your gut instinct will probably be quite reliable as to whether this is going to be a good camera for you or not. If, on the other hand, your Brian you into the skills and artist photography, you're buying a very first digital camera, then you don't have that depth of experience. You are much better to rely on data on assessments. But other people looking a cameramen, having an intuition that this is gonna be the one for you is potentially quite unreliable. The third style of thinking is what I call test. Thinking on this is very, very powerful. It's the scientific method, if you like. Test thinking is about conducting experiments, trying out different options as much as you can with the digital camera. Example, of course, were looking at past boring one taking it out, taking a few photographs, sink what it's like. And, of course, if you have friends who have piece of equipment, but then you have the ideal opportunity to do that. Slow thinking is the fifth thinking style and slow thinking is also very powerful. It's one way to help your instinct, your gut instincts and gut think to work effectively. So thinking is mulling a problem over letting your brain process the issues and the options in slow time. And we have that phrase, don't we? I'll just sleep on that. And that's exactly what slow thinking is about. It's about letting the deeper, accessing parts of your brain work on the problem. One conscious brain does something else, and finally, the sixth style of thinking is team thinking, getting together with other people and sharing the decision with them. Now what we know is that teams can make far better decisions than individuals, but only under certain specific circumstances. The most important of those circumstances is diversity of thinking. If you have a team that is diverse, has different experiences, different backgrounds, and if you respect each of those different experiences and bring them into the conversation , then the team can make far better decision than you will in your own. If, on the other hand, it's a team of people have worked together for years, they will think the same because they all had the same experiences that you need to shake that team up. You need to find ways to access their deep inner diversity. But till you thinking can give you a better decision, a better handle on yes or no. In this lecture, we've just seen six different ways of thinking that can help you to make your decisions. And we've looked at six powerful decision making tools. As we move into the next lecture, we're going to start our journey of understanding how to say no on the next lecture will look at how to make saying no easier no 15. How to Make No Feel Easier: So you want to make saying no? Feel easier? Well, there are three things to consider before you make your decision. Psych? Yes or no? That will make it easier on the first of those is alternatives. If I say no, what are the alternatives? Things that I could be doing with my time. That way you could start to put your no into context. The second is the consequences of saying no. Oh yes, and putting them into a time perspective. Ask yourself, How would I view this decision tomorrow? How would I view this decision next week in a month's time, or maybe even in a year's time with big decisions? How would I view this decision in 10 years time or even at the end of my life? Putting your yes, no decision into a time context can really help you to understand the consequences. And so the perspective to take that will make it helpful for what will help you to make your yes or no decision is to think about the people around you. How will, in effect the person that I'm asking, how it really affect person, that's asking me, how will it affect me how will affect other people. We're now going toe. Look at a five step process which will really help you to make no feel a lot easier. So now I'm gonna give you a simple, five step approach to softening you up psychologically to make no, well, just that little bit easier. It's a very simple process, but thank you about 10 to 15 minutes to complete Now you could do this in one of two ways of the first is to work your way through this lecture and pause the lecture to do the exercises, as I describe them. Or secondly, you can listen to the lecture, then print out the notes that will accompany it on. Then find yourself somewhere quiet. Whichever you do, you'll need a pencil and paper. So if you are going toe work through the exercise along with the lecture, then you may want to pause now in order to get yourself a pencil and paper back. Excellent. So we'll work our way through the five steps. It won't take the full 10 15 minutes to do it on Electra, but you may want to pause, and the first step is to think about that moment where you need to make your yes or no decision. Add to give a response. I think that three times this has happened recently on the result has been that you have fallen for Ah, yes, that you have later regretted that go for hers and grab hold of your consciousness and gone for it without you really thinking about it. You didn't feel in control, so take a few minutes to write down two or three recent examples. Now, when you've done that, give yourself a little bit of time to we lived those experiences. Picture what happened in your mind. You may want to close your eyes to do this. No, just the sort of things that were said. Notice how you felt about it? What was going through my mind on particularly Think about that moment where you felt yourself compelled to say yes. Did you think that no is an option? What caused you to rule it out? Was that yes, completely automatic to take some time to think about those cases. The second step is toe. Ask yourself. How do you think about your time? Uh, what were you thinking about your time when these things happened, Did you feel that you are in control? Did you feel that the other person was in control? How much authority did you feel? You had to say yes or no? Where was the power in the conversation? And to what extent could you have done things differently? Third step is to go back to those two or three situations and ask yourself what happened? As a result, you made the choice to say yes. Did things change that they work out the way you hopes? Did you open up opportunities that were good for you? Did you close down all the opportunities that could have been good for you? Step four. What beliefs do you have that are relevant to your choice to say yes or no at those times? And how riel others police? How reliable are they? How did they fare when you test them against reality? What alternative believes? Because you have about yourself, your power authority, your ability to say no when you choose to. And how would those alternative beliefs change the actions that you would have made in those two or three circumstances? And consequently, what would have happened differently. Step five is to make a commitment. Because if you don't make a commitment, you won't take actions. And if you don't take captions, nothing will change. So you need to seize control off that? Yes. No moment. What will you do differently? One of the things we know about goal setting. You said if you right, I will complete that sentence. That can work. What? Well, but recent researchers showed that you get better results. If instead of stating an intention, you write a question about yourself, so right your goals as not I will do this or that. But will I do this or that with a question mark on the end? So write down your intentions, as will my statements, right? Two or three of them that are really relevant to the way that you will handle that. Yes, no moment in future. And when you've done that, score each of those will I statements on a scale of 1 to 10 to reflect your commitment for making that happen where 10 is absolutely unshakable commitment. This is going to happen in your mind on the answer toe. Well, I either Definitely. Yes, One is You know what? I'm know How become an iceberg for me. I think I will. If, by the way you got too many schools under five, then really and truly, you may know find that this is the course for you because this course is for people who are committed to making a change for people who are committed to say no when they choose to saying no when it's right for them. So you've got no five steps. If you have worked through them with me on this lecture and I hope you've got some greater will, I questions with some high level of commitment. If you haven't worked through it on this lecture, then prints off the sheet that accompanies it, find yourself somewhere quiet, set aside 10 to 15 minutes and do this exercise. Then so now you know a little bit more about how to make no feel easier. It's worth just pausing for a moment to ask ourselves. A very simple question should know feel easy, because I actually think that to a small extent, no, shouldn't feel too easy, because remember, there are going to be consequences for the other person. You may have evaluated them as being not consequential enough. Not serious enough to stop you saying no, but you need no to be just a little bit uncomfortable. Otherwise, you'll end up being callous. Remember, we want to be able to say no so that we can regain control of our lives. It seems you start being a little bit callous about your yes or your no answers. Then you haven't got control. Yes or no. Determination is starting to control you again. In a different way. Callousness is not the way to live. No needs to be a little bit of easy and just a little bit no. 16. Before we Say No What is Assertiveness?: before you say no, you need to understand what assertiveness is. So this is just a short, little extra lecture that I'm adding into the course to help you understand the nature of assertiveness. Now assertiveness is about respect. That's fundamentally what assertiveness is about. An assertiveness comes in three flavors, two of which aren't actually assertive and therefore lacking in some elements of respect. The first is aggressive, and this is what we worry about a little bit. When we think about saying no, we think it's gonna be aggressive now. Aggression is fundamentally lacking in respect for the other person. Consequently, we put our own needs, wants and desires ahead of theirs were often rude or callous in the way that we do things when you're aggressive, even quietly aggressive. What you're saying to the other person is, I don't respect you. I don't respect you enough to be polite. I don't respect you enough to be courteous. I don't respect you enough to think about your feelings in the choices and decisions I make at the opposite. Extreme to aggression is passive behaviour. Now when we don't want to say no because we're worried about how the other person will feel when we just kind of go for it. Then we're often being passive. Passive is respectful of the other person, their needs and desires. But it's not respectful of your own once and needs and wishes. Consequently, we put the other person first. We don't respect ourselves, and we've become a bit of a doormat. So passive behaviour is lacking in respect for yourself. Aggressive behavior is lacking in respect for the other person. In both of these, of course, there is some respect. But when we combine the two when we're respectful of ourselves and of the other person, that's when we could be assertive. And that's what a good no is. That's what a noble objection is. It is assertive. It respects the other person's needs and wishes. It treats them with respect by being courteous and polite. But it also respects your own needs and wishes. Recognizes of that. The request is not important enough to you, puts that against the other person's needs and allows you to assert yourself politely by saying no 17. How to Say No: So now we're here. We're at the point where I'm going to give you the basic process for saying no, and it's a full step process on. The first step is to make a confident decision. Decide you're going to say no. I've given you a range of tools to help you do this. The most valuable of which I find is the scope process. Remember, this is where you stop. You clarify what's going on. You organize your thoughts about what your options are. You proceed, and then, having made your choice and acted on it, evaluate constantly the outcomes. The second step is to make a confident and positive no, do it in a courteous and polite way, but make a confident, noble objection and take responsibility for your no use the word I when you make you know. So when you say no to someone who is asking you for a piece of work, say no, I'm afraid I am unable to do it because I have other priorities. Don't try and blame it on someone else, for example. Now I can't do that. My bosses asked me to do something else if your boss has asked you to do something else. Then again, take responsibility for your choice. No, I can't do that. I need to prioritize the work that my boss has asked me to do. The third step is very important. A powerful reason why you have chosen to do it. One of the most interesting experiments that sexual scientists have done is some work done by Ellen Langer and Allen Langer has showed that people are more likely to accept a request or to accept a denial of their request when there is a because when you give a good reason , people are more likely to accept your no. So always add the word because and give your reason. And the fourth step in a good noble objection is toe offer appropriate alternatives where you can. So here we go. No, I can't help you at this stage because I need to prioritize the work that my boss have set me. However, it may be worth going over to speak to Paul. Paul has done this sort of thing before, and I'm sure he can give you some very good advice. So what have we done in these four simple steps? Firstly, we've made a clear decision. Secondly, we've given a confidence courteous and respectful but very clear. Noble objection. Thirdly, we've made sure that the person we've given our no, to understands our reasons. And finally, we've given a little bit of support and help. Some alternatives will let them know that we actually care about them for simple steps for saying no. A truly noble objection, no. 18. How to Say No to Friends and Loved Ones: say no to friends, your family and your loved ones can be a particularly hard challenge. And because of that, they could be a particular drying on your time and your resources and your energy. So you've got to make sure that you're confident to say no when it's the right thing to do . But of course, it's saying no, there is one extra consideration that's going to be particularly important to you and making a decision, which is a balance between the priority of your time on the priority of the relationship. Sometimes the task may not be important to you, but the relationship is when you make your decision and if you intend to say no, is there a three things you can do to help you on? The first is to share with the person. The difficulty you find is saying no second, when you give your reasons include in them the genuine personal element of that. So you've now got the personal difficulty and the person on a personal element off the reasons and the third thing that you can do to help you. If it's a particularly tricky decision on if it's a particularly tricky circumstance is toe ask permission to say no. If they declined to give you that permission to say no, that will tell you something about the importance of the task to them. Or maybe the nature of your relationship friends, loved ones, family, very tricky circumstance for saying no, which is why you have to make it particularly noble. You have tow particularly focus on really good reasons for saying no, giving those reasons very clearly with a powerful because and of course, maintaining that respect and courtesy and politeness because the relationships really do matter to you, no. 19. How to Say No to Customers: the customer is always right. If honey, that was so if that were true, then decisions would be easy. There would be no need ever to contemplate saying no, but the reality is, you know, and I know customer isn't always right Customer could be wrong. So this is a particularly tricky one on, therefore needs a lot of care and thinking it through often evening customer is wrong. The right thing to do is to say yes. So what are the circumstances where you need to say no? Well, clearly this will depend on the organization you work for, on whether your customers are clients of public sector or not for profit social organization or their commercial customers. However, every organization draw some lines, those usually about disrespectful behavior, even physically intimidating behaviour, which some customers seem to be fully capable off. However, no matter how disrespect for your customers, you've got to maintain a respectful attitude. Even if you are saying no. If you do need to say no, you need to make sure that other people in the organization are aware that you've made the decision on are aware that you have prepared carefully for that note, from sometimes, depending on the circumstances, it could be very important not to do it on your own, but have someone there not just for emotional, possibly physical support, but as a witness that you have acted in a fully professional manner. You have been reasonable and respectful in the way that you have said no. Customers also need because on were appropriate if their behavior hasn't been hugely disrespectful. Offering alternatives is going to be important. But if you do need to say no to customers, then make sure that you plan it very carefully. That's sick. Customer complaints coming Massive young really unreasonable. Saying yes so massively unreasonable complaints can be a huge boost to your business. Eso going that extra mile doing the unreasonable for your customers can win you over on unhappy customer into an absolutely loyal fan. So saying that customers is all about assessing the risks, the rewards and the organizational standards. And finally, it's about preparing carefully and making sure that the way you do it is entirely respectful. No 20. How to Say No to False Assumptions: okay, Say no To force assumptions to faulty thinking of all sorts is very important if you're going to be making good decisions. And there are a number of examples off false assumptions that I'd like to talk about. The first of these is anecdotal evidence. The newspapers and the news are filled with people giving their points of view on their experiences. Very valid. It's very important for them. But unless we get sufficient weight of that kind of evidence, it's a very poor basis for making judgments because it tends to be the extremes of experience or the unusual experiences that a newsworthy. So if you make your decisions and judgements based on a small number of people relating extraordinary stories, you're probably missing. The vast majority of the evidence related to that is a whole raft of irrelevant evidence that will be thrown by some people at trying to persuade you. If I try to persuade you on, I want you to engage on my throat. You evidence that is irrelevant. When it does, it clouds your judgment on it fills your mind with a lot of irrelevant stuff that stop you , focusing on what's most important the opposite almost of irrelevant evidence is inadequate evidence just not enough on offered. When we make our judgments based on our gut instincts are intuition. Now, if we've got years and years of experience on a deep understanding of a situation, then our instinct and intuition is very powerful. It's well honed, and it's a very reliable basis for judgment making. However, in arenas where we have relatively little experience, your intuition doesn't comprise enough evidence. It makes sense to go out and get more related to. This is our tendency to read motivations and even thoughts into the people around us. This kind of mind reading whilst it is possible to get a sense of what people are thinking on, what why people are doing things unless you get some for corroborating evidence. This can lead you tremendously astray. So be aware of your temptations. They are, we're thinking, or I know why she's doing that or I know what he's up to. Because those kind of mind readings are probably based as much on your own thought processes as the other person's. The next one's consider is our ability or not really ability. That's that's the wrong word out tendency to find cause and effect. Human beings are almost wired for seeing patterns in nature and in life. So you see something happen. We assumed that there must be a cause, and we look for that cause so that that makes our pattern of cause and effect play out nicely now. Often, there are no causes for random events. Our brains need to find them emotionally. We need to find them, but they just random events. Also, ability to find causes is often hampered by lack of evidence on. Therefore, our desire to find causes means that we'll action to the first possible court on a lot of conspiracy theories about making a good story of cause and effect in the absence of all of the evidence or a good story, of course, in effect, uh, where, actually, it's a pure accident or pure chance, the final one that's worth mentioning, and I could probably design a whole course around these. Keep watching, who knows? But the Final one is worth mentioning. Here. Is that what's known as the sunk cost fallacy? You invest some money in a project. Let's say you're redecorating over on. You've spent probably half of your budget and you look around and you think the colors are wrong. I hate it. You're temptation. It's so well, you know, put a lot money into this. So let's just finish it anyway. That's entirely the wrong thinking. The reality is you've spent that money whether you go on or not. Abandoning the project is just about saying I've still got half to spend. I can spend it on finishing the project and still not like it, or I could spend it on something else and still no like it. In fact, if you spent 95% of your body and you've only got a handful of dollars left to spend, if those handful of dollars do not generate more value than you spend with those handful of dollars, then it's a continued waste of money. Forget the amount of money you have. Some kids look at the amount of money, effort, commitment that he remains to be put in and ask if I put that put that money, those resources into completion will I get more value than the outstanding cost, and if I won't, then it's good money after bad, so I give me six examples off false assumptions and fourty thinking. Saying no to those is about stepping back on being absolutely clear in demanding the best quality of evidence and enough time to evaluate it objectively. But when you do so, that's when you get real control over the decisions that you're making. No. 21. How to Say No to Temptation: Oscar Wilde said. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. But we can do better than that because we're becoming masters of saying no, making a noble objection, including making a noble objection to temptation. So what can you do? Well, the first is to recognize that the best time of day to resist temptation that Hamadeh, when your willpower is at its greatest, is early on in the day and after you've eaten, because the willpower to resist temptation literally requires energy and effort. On the tired you are, the more hungry are, the harder it is so early on in the day after you've eaten your breakfast, that's a great time to resist temptation and to make a firm. No. But to help motivate you, think about the carrot and the stick. The two extremes, firstly, the stick. Avoid yielding to temptation by focusing on the adverse consequences that really visualize what will happen if you do yield to it in negative terms. So, for example, it's that temptation of that little cream cake. If you know that one will lead her second and third bad. Having a cake today will lead to having a cake tomorrow, which will build a habit, Then visualize what that's going to do to you and your life and your health and to the people around them and stack all of that up. Do it for yourself in the best. The best way to do this is not to give yourself injunctions. This is what will happen. Don't do it, but ask yourself questions. Recent research shows that asking people questions about the consequences of their behavior is far more powerful, getting them to reevaluate that behavior of them, giving them instructions or telling them information. But on the carrot side, ask yourself what will be the beneficial advantages off not succumbing to the temptation. What would you get if you don't do it, uh, and again picture their benefits to you off saying that So three tips for saying no to temptations and the gorgeous treats and inducements that come along firstly do it when you willpower is greatest when you're feeling alert, refreshed on properly fed. Secondly, focus on the cost off, yielding to temptation on visualize what that cost will be to you personally on. Thirdly, look at the benefits off, not yielding on the virtues. See yourself having a bright future without yielding to the temptation was, Ask a while, right? Well, of course, perhaps the most important thing in life is balance. A few desire directed choices balanced with a correct focus on the goals you've chosen that really matter. That's what a good life, a fulfilling life. 22. How to Say No to Your Colleagues at Work: How do you say no to your colleagues in the workplace? This could be a particular challenge because for a lot of organizations, collaboration is a stated corporate value. And, of course, if collaboration is a value, then saying no feels something like going against the value on. Therefore, you could be seen as big No one of us, not a team player, not sharing your organization's values. And that's bad. So you have to go about this in a very careful way. And it's interesting for me because in life trainings the message that you need to be able to say no to your boss to make noble objections to your boss and your colleagues can cause confusion. Some people have interpreted it, and I suspect, willfully so as a license to say no to their boss to the things that they don't want to do . That's not noble. That would not be a noble objection. Saying no to your colleagues on being consistent with a culture of collaboration within your organization demands that you make noble objections. You need to be absolutely clear that you understand the priorities of your organization and its strategy and you understand your party in that therefore, you are able properly to prioritize requests on your time. Your job as an employee is not to do everything you could possibly do with the time available. That's not possible because there will be an infinite a number of things that you could be doing. Rather, your job as an employee is to make wise choices and prioritize your time so that you do the most important, most valuable things with your time in the time available and therefore make your objections noble. Always be respectful towards your colleagues and to your bosses, and be very clear about the choice that you're making and how it fits your understanding off the strategic priorities. Therefore, your because is always going to be particularly important and also to show that you are king collaborator within your organization. Offering alternatives. Offering suggestions as the fourth step in no process is going to be very important. Collaboration is a core value of many organizations and therefore saying no, whilst vital for doing your job properly, always has to obey a noble objection. No 23. How to Say No to the Things you Put up with: mastery of no requires that you understand the things that you put up with, do something about it. Learning how to say no to the things that you put up with day to day will probably make the biggest single impact on the control you feel over time you have. So therefore, you have to understand what it is that you've been tolerating and make a conscious decision Which of those things you're not going to put up with any more. So in a minute, I'm going to go through a simple toleration exercise that will lead you to the decisions you need to take. Uh, what you can do is either get yourself a pen and paper and sit down and work through. The toleration excites as I go through it, pausing the video when you need to make notes, or you can download the printed exercise sheet that goes with this lecture and do it in your own time. So here, then, is the toleration exercise. Step one is to make a list of the things that you put up with. You may want to divide that list into sections to help you think it through. So perhaps section one might be things you put up with at home. Maybe the things you put up with from family members. Another section might be from friends in your social life, in your community. And, of course, in your work, when you've done that, then for each one of those things that you put up with, write down some of the consequences for you off continuing to put up with them. Step three Now, right down the consequences that would arise were you to decide not to put up with them anymore. There is gonna be a trade off, I guess between the adverse consequences or saying no and positive consequences of saying that so step for is very simple. Go down that list. Having thought through each one at Y out the balance on the way, the balance says you should be saying, no, you should not be putting up with this anymore right against that one, no more in big, bold capital letters, the last step for each of the things you've written no more against them. Write down a few steps, the actions you need to take the conversations you need tohave that will break the cycle of putting up with that thing for some of them, you may need to invest more time on. You may even need to invest the money to free yourself off that thing that you're putting up with. But make your list and put your plans together because it will be worth it. Now that you've done the exercise, it's important to make a commitment to focus on the top priorities First, if you try to change too much in your life in one go, you will fail. So pick your top priority, the one or two things. A second tip is to share your determination to do this with close friends, close colleagues, close family members whom you trust pick one or two of them to share it with. And if you're gonna try and work on something particularly difficult, then pick a buddy who, well, not only share a knowledge of what you're trying to do, but we'll act to help you. They will country guide You meant you keep your honest. They'll be there to support you. So pick someone really that you can trust, uh, share their with them your determination and look for their help and guidance. It's time to start saying no to the things that you've been putting up with for far too long. Cause when you do that, you'll make her real difference to control you have of your life, No. 24. How to Say No to Procrastination, and just Get on with it: How do you get on with it and say No, it's a procrastination. Procrastination is a bad thing, isn't it? It's putting stuff off until later and therefore potentially not getting you done at all. Well, in a later lecture, we will see that there are times where certain types of procrastination can serve you well . But for this one, we're going to focus on purposeless, procrastination, purposeless, procrastination is putting something off for no good reason and with no incidental benefit and therefore purposeless procrastination is a bad thing. So why does it happen? Well, it happens because the task in front of you looms large and puts you off. It's kind of like you're standing in front of a big pile of rubbish. It's a big pile, but not that huge. The thing is because you're so close to it, what you can't see is the beautiful mountain scenery behind it, because the big pile of rubbish is in your way. So what do you focus on? You focus on the big pile of rubbish and not the mountain scenery that should be attracting you. And once that happens, you get into a state of oh, comfortable as I am. I really don't want to start doing this now. What if I start tackling it? It all goes wrong. What if I fail? What if I don't know how to tackle it? And then there's everybody's favourite, isn't there? Don't worry. I've got loads of time. I'll tackle it another time and then another time and another time never comes. It doesn't get tackled, so we need to figure out ways that you can circumvent your tendency to procrastinate and get on with it. Let's look at 10 very good techniques, many of which you can combine. The first of my techniques for dealing with your Tennessee to procrastinate is to create a sense of discomfort. Focus on that gigantic pile of rubbish, but focus on how uncomfortable it makes you feel. This will give you a little shove. The second technique is to peer over the gigantic pile of rubbish on. Make sure that you allow yourself to be aware of the benefits in the future. Visualize what you'll get when you've achieved the task. The third technique is to do the very worst part off the task. The very hardest, most unpleasant thing first what this does is it gives you a sense that you've achieved something massive and everything else seems easy. Afterwards, there's even a book called Eat that Frog that uses this basic process as its theme. However, not everyone likes to start with the hardest, most difficult, most unpleasant and perhaps biggest chunk of work. First, an alternative approach is to take baby steps and do the smallest thing. First. This is easy, and it creates a little bit of momentum and helps you get going. So identify the smallest component of what you need to do and get that started. The fifth technique is to time box your activity into short sprints rather than long distance marathons with difficult, unpleasant tasks. We fear having to lock ourselves away to do them for a long period of time. So set yourself 20 minutes. That leads us to the same technique, which is to slice up the elephant, cut the whole problem down into multiple small slices. The 1st 1 becomes your first baby step, and that each one or a small number of slices fit neatly into your time boxed sprints. This is rather nice, because by slicing at the elephant you also get multiple senses of achievement on. We know that a sense of achievement is a massive motivator to most office. Seventh technique is to get some exercise before you start fresh and your brain get the blood pumping. It's what I cooked walking to work. But of course, if the thing you're gonna procrastinate about is not right at the start of the day, then you clearly need to take some exercise before you get started. But as an aside, it's worth noting that how will power is at its greatest, that the start of the day while we're still fresh, particularly had a good breakfast and you got some exercise so quite literally walked to work and then straight away tackle that thing that you've been putting off is a good tactic . The next thing, Number eight, is to choose your moment to find just the right time when you're feeling particularly good . My ninth tip is to really hone your focus on the thing that you've been putting off to make it your major objective for a period of time and to remove all distractions. When you do it, turn it almost into a flow. State activity set yourself a demanding target to do it really well. To do it really quickly and efficiently, effectively and track your progress is you go another good reason to slice up the elephant into small slices and number 10. Tell someone about it, make a formal commitment to somebody else that you're going to do it because one of the things we know about human psychology is we can kid ourselves, but we feel very uncomfortable kidding other people. Therefore, if I tell my wife, my partner, my friend, my colleague, that I am going to do it, I'm going to do it by a certain deadline. Then I feel very motivated to do that because of the threat that I feel uncomfortable if I let him down. 10. Very useful tips And here's a bonus one as well Celebrate your success is if you have something difficult demanding unpleasant a dough and you fear you're gonna put it off, set yourself a target for when you're gonna complete it and set yourself a reward or a celebration that you will give yourself When you do it. Reward yourself. Celebrate your successes. One of the top motivators known to humankind so 10 techniques to help you say no to procrastination to help you get on with it. This means that you'll be in control of your choices once more and you'll be saying no to something that's been getting in your way, possibly for many, many years. So say notes of a Crash Nation and just Get on with it, no. 25. How to Say No in Negotiations: One of the things that people are particularly apprehensive about is the idea of negotiating, and in particular they fear having to say No. Two offers that they know it wrong for them, but they're worried they're gonna upset the person they're negotiating with that worried also, they're not going to get the best deal. And if I say yes now, I might get a good deal. If I say no, I might lose a good deal. Ironically, therefore, one of the most valuable books for any of us in understanding negotiation is the classic work by Roger Fisher and William Ury called Getting To Yes Now Getting to Yes, sounds like we should be focusing on a yes, not a no. But let's look at the subtitle. The subtitle of getting to Yes is negotiating agreement without giving in without giving in without saying no. The important thing is the big yes at the end toe the right negotiated settlement. To get it, you need to be prepared to make knows along the way. So how to say no during negotiations? Let's take a look on a number of very useful tips that will help you in negotiations and help you say no. My first tip is perhaps the most important tip of all. It's the need to separate the person from the problem. The problem being the negotiation. It's two separate their behavior from their motivation. They may want to get a good deal. They may be behaving particularly badly, so make sure that you understand that the person is a human being with all their weaknesses and frailties on their own difficulties. With the negotiation, you need to focus on the negotiation and your outcome, not be offended by their behaviors. It's very helpful quite often to try and put yourself into their shoes that to try to see the negotiation from their point of view, what do they want? Why do they want it? And how important is it to them? That may give you some insight into the behaviors that potentially you're finding challenging, either because they feel disrespectful? Well, they're just tricky to deal with, because perhaps this person is good at negotiating and negotiating effectively. The other thing to separate is the person's interests. From the position that that's taking what's important in a negotiation is not the position that they're taking, but what they're really interests are, and if you understand those, then you have a powerful tool. It's also important to separate your own interests from the position that you're taking. The position that you're taking is a tactical choice. Your interests are determined by what's important to you, what outcome you need to achieve from the negotiation and to help you think about that. Fisher and Ury, in getting to yes, coined the term Batmunkha on Batting A stands for best alternative to a negotiated agreement. If you don't know what your best alternative is, so a negotiated agreement, then you cannot negotiate effectively. Your best alternative to a negotiated agreement is what you would do, what you would get if the negotiation failed. That will have a value. And if during the negotiations, the value that you've reached with the other person is less to you than the value of your Patner, then now all your negotiating about he's how much you're going to lose in the transaction. That's your walk away point your Patner is the point where you say the big No, because negotiating agreement is going to be bad for you. Worse than not negotiating an agreement. It's important when you're negotiating to make sure that you identify as many options as possible options, the things you could consider acceptable and auctions that you can offer to the counter party, the most effective negotiators of those who are best at identifying options at understanding the value of each to both parties. Indeed, if one option has more value to the other party than it does to you, and it makes a very good trading piece for something that has more value to you than it does to the other party. So the fifth tip is, therefore to know the value of every component of the negotiation, everything that you are able to offer to the personal negotiating with, and also everything that you might want from the person you're negotiating with. Perhaps the classic example of this is where you're buying a new car. The car sales person knows very well that certain accessories are very expensive for you to buy from the dealership. They're also extremely cheap for the dealership to buy from the manufacturer, so those accessories have more value to you than they do to the dealer. But selling you the car, the sales person would then know that they can easily make the deal seem more attractive to you by throwing in their successories. If you're good, then you will know that they have that flexibility. Say just before you close the deal. 01 more thing. I'll be needing some mats. I'll be needing this. I'll be needing that. Set out a little shopping list of things that they could throw it for low cost to them. Then when they provided those and they will provide nothing more, that's the point to do the deal. Those are my find. Big tips. There are some or little niceties as well that we can throw it to help you say no. You need to know the rules of the negotiation right at the start. Make sure you understand who you're dealing with, what their level of authority is on, what the rules are, the negotiation and if necessary, sometimes you will need to negotiate the rules off the negotiation to avoid having to say no more than necessary and to avoid receiving knows more than necessary. Avoid the temptation to challenge to criticize and toe state points of view trenchantly early on the best way to conduct a negotiation is through a series of questions. Questions are less threatening to the person to whom you place the question and therefore questions help negotiations over effectively. Also, if you can ask questions that demand a full answer rather than a yes or no, it's far easier to avoid knows which closed down elements of the negotiation. Another top skill, and therefore another useful tip for negotiators is to focus on your listening. It's quite often that in the heat of a negotiation, someone is speaking, and our mind is buzzing with thinking through all the responses we can give. Why what they're saying is or is not acceptable. Which elements of it you want to challenge. Or, as we've learned question. Don't let yourself do that. Focus on your listening on when they stopped speaking. My next tip is to use one of the most powerful communication tools available to us. Silence. A science is very powerful. One of the things it does is it sets up a need in human beings to fill the silence. Therefore, the person you're negotiating with may feel that silence by saying Maura and giving more concessions just to allay the discomfort off that silence. Silence gives you time to think, and it gives them time to gap alone. Final thing. The one more Ask if you get close to a negotiated agreement, and it never hurts to ask for one more small concession. But the most important time of all, the one will ask, is when you realize that this negotiation is going nowhere because the other party is demanding something you can't give. They're not prepared to offer what you need. So you're on the edge now off saying the big No. Now, when you say the big no, the negotiation ends, so at this point, you have less to lose than any other time. This is the time to make one more ask before you make the big No. And if that one more ask reopens negotiation that isn't that fantastic. A simple technique has kept a negotiation alive, potentially can lead to a valuable negotiated agreement. So I've given you lots of tips, and there's a lot to remember. And although I put the tips up on screen, I know that many people would like to have them recorded so you'll find attached to this lecture A simple hand out which sets out my tips for negotiation so that you can carry them around with you whenever you need them. Member, prepare well for your negotiations and be paid to say no, no. 26. How to Set Goals: Hello. Here's a short additional lecture because it's important that you know how to set good goals. If you are toe, have effective ghosts that you can use as your benchmark of whether to say yes or no. And setting good girls is a matter of some science, and therefore we can understand it and increase the success that you have in your goal setting. The first thing you need to do is to let the ideas rattle around and settle in your brain. So once you determine that you are going to set goals, spend some time thinking about it, but also spent some time doing other things because the human brain is pretty good at working on problems at the unconscious level and only letting them out when you create the time to do that. So ask yourselves yourself questions like what I want in five years time in 10 years time on what sort of home do I want? What sort of career dough I want, What's 11 of income to our warns? What sort of things don't want to create often when we set goals, we set them in a particular arena of our lives. But sometimes reset girls across our whole lives. Sometimes we set short term goals, sometimes very much long term goals. You may find it helpful to go for walks, to think about things sitting down in a nice cafe with a nice cup of coffee and perhaps a pastry. You might find it very helpful to make notes in a notebook. But over a period of time you need to let your girls emerge, and at some point it's time to sit down and write down your goals. When you do this, when you write down your goals, you want to write an IOU to yourself because you owe yourself the girls and I O. U stands for three very important criteria for good girls. First of all, your good goals need to be inspirational. They need to excite you. You need to really want them. The second is I need to be just a little bit outrageous. They need to take you to the edge and perhaps beyond your present capabilities and expectations and good goals should also make you feel just a little bit uncomfortable give you a little sense that you know what? This is tricky. This is difficult because nothing worthwhile is ever really that easy. Take the goals that you've written and start to put a quantification against them and think about what would be an outrageous level of success in my goal. Now, this might make you feel a bit too uncomfortable. So somewhere between your original statement of what you wanted and your end statement, your outrageous level of success is the right goal for you. Now, how do you actually write down your I R years? Most people think that the best way to do it is to make a simple statement that begins with I will. I will achieve this by this date. It turns out that recent research shows that I will statements ah exceeded ineffectiveness by another kind of statement which turns the words around and starts with Will I goals that are framed, as will I statements and have a question mark on the end tend to leave some unfinished business in our minds, the correct of greater motivation. There is less resistance in our minds questions. Then there is, too, uh, statements like I will now. Finally, there's a question in your mind. Will I do this? But in order to feel confidence and motivated to do it. You've also got to feel able to do it, particularly if the goal you set yourself leaves you feeling a little uncomfortable. So the last stage is for each goal to start to make some notes about the things you will need on the process you will take. Put together a plan, equip yourself with the resources, the knowledge, the ideas todo and achieve your go. One of the phrase I use is success in izing your goals. Gather together the successories you need to bring you success. So mull over what you want. Write down your goals, make them inspirational, outrageous and uncomfortable. And their rights Your i o u in the form of a question. Will I question mark and to support each goal success, Arise it with the equipment, the resources, the knowledge that plans that you need to pull together to give you confidence that you will achieve your go No 27. More Tips on How to Say No: in this last lecture of the how to section off this program, I want to just give you a few random additional tips and hints and ideas were gathered just so that you can have them and refer back to them if you choose. How about this before you give your no or yes, ask for more time by asking for more information before I make my decision? You say before I make my decision, I need a bit more information. Can you let me have the following piece of information and then I'll get back to you with an answer? One of the most important things for anyone is what I call the wham factor. Where? What about me? Before you say no, Think about what the wham factor is for the other person. When you say no and then explain, you know, in terms of the benefits to them of your No. What if you can't really bring yourself to say no? What if you feel uncomfortable with the note? Well, how about this? Say nothing. Silence is one of the most powerful communicating tools we've got. And since we know that we as human beings cannot not communicate Your silence communicates massive. Someone asks you to do something and your sign it Okay? Yeah, I know. It's I know it's a big imposition. I know I shouldn't have asked you. I'll go ask someone else, they say, because they feel uncomfortable with the silence. And I just want to escape. Don't say no SE nothing. He's a sneaky one. It works for some people. I don't like it myself, but oh, my goodness. Is that the time I must be going? Yeah, don't answer the question. Just walk away. Whatever you do, though, don't lie. Even white lies will weaken the power of your No, and they will weaken you is an influential person. It never hurts to say no, I don't want to, Or now I've chosen to do something else. If you try to sugar the pill with a white lie, they'll catch you out on it, and it will damage your reputation, sometimes irreparably. No is no, and you have your reasons. You may or may not choose to share them, but don't lie about them. William Shakespeare said that discretion is the better part of valor, and that sometimes means not encountering than no question avoiding the no question by making yourself scarce by letting the phone ring and go through to voicemail. It's a bit evasive. It's a bit tricky, but sometimes it's very effective. No, I can't often sounds like a lie You could if you really want you to, so don't use it instead. Use No, it doesn't suit me. But what does suit me is you see, adding alternatives and giving options makes the No, not just more powerful, but more palatable. A swell. And here's the thing about the word. But when we hear the word but we start to ignore all the things we've just heard and focus on the but so no, I choose not to or no, this doesn't work for me, but a tunes the attention of the listener to what's coming next. But what What would work for me is this. And now you're giving them an alternative that they can really value. So lots of good tips there. We've now finished the how to section. We're gonna move on to the last section of the lecture programme, which is the what if section which will help you to deal with tricky circumstances on waters. No, 28. What if they Resist your No?: one of the things that concerns many people is what would happen if they resist my noble objection. My note and it will happen. So it is as well to understand how it happens on therefore what you can do about it. And it happens at three levels on each level escalates the level off emotional discomfort, physical discomfort, sometimes on perhaps even threat and intimidation. The first level is simply a persistence refusal to accept your no on a persistent, constant reiteration off the request. And we know this works has a technique for getting what you want and so people will use it . Second is manipulation on attempt to use language on emotion to manipulate you into a yes that you know is not right for you. And thirdly, it escalates all the way up to aggression with the potential for verbal and physical intimidation. This is where it starts to get nasty. So we look at the three of these. One is a time. Persistence is disrespectful, but it is successful, so you need to understand how to handle it. On the first step is to repeat your noble objection, to say no and also to repeat your original reasons. You don't need to add extra reasons, but do need to repeat your reasons because this shows that you are sure of your ground. If you do, try not additional reasons. It indicates the other person that they're winning because you feel the need to shift your ground. And at further reasons suggesting that you don't believe that the first reasons were strong enough. If you get further persistence, the second stage is to repeat or no one more time knowledge, the arguments that they've made on Reiterate that you're happy with your No and happy with your reasons. But at this stage, don't repeat your reasons anymore. If you have to repeat your reasons 1/3 time, it sounds rather like you're justifying your no to yourself rather than to the other person . So stick with your confident no at the third level, with more persistence. Look them in the eye and say, I've said no and my know stands so no more. Indeed, you can further emphasize your no by slowing down and adding a falling intonation. I've said no and no Stearns at the next level. You need to start adding some real body language, downward movement of your hands with the palms down in time with your no and also some verbal indication that you ready to disengage. I said No, on my no is final. Well, I've said no, I know stands. I have made up my mind again the falling intonation on the slowing down and interestingly, if you want to make it more positive and for some reason, my quieting down I have said no and no, he's final. If they continue to persist, then spot there riposte, interruptive because now they are no longer showing you any respect at all. It's time to let them know that you're not gonna put up with it. So as they start to resist on, repeat that request one more time, you interrupt them by saying, No, I need to get on with something else now, as start to turn your body away from them. This will signal to them that you are ready to move on and you're not going to entertain any further conversation. Manipulation is an attempt to get you to change your mind. Using verbal and psychological approaches, they'll make you feel uncomfortable. Their tongue. It's your emotions. There play on things like guilt or not discomfort. Now the important thing to recognize about all of this is this is just game playing. When you're playing game, the immediate inclination is to try to win. You can't win. That's the vital thing to know you can't win these manipulative games. The only thing you can do is to stop playing. And if you work with colleagues or if you know friends and family members, well, you will recognize the game as soon as it starts. It will be familiar on that. Familiarity should trigger in your mind. Are here we go again and that here we go again. Feeling in your mind tells you that the game's about to start. Don't try to win it. What you need to do is to step away and say something like this. This is This is familiar. We've been around here before. You said these sorts of things before we never get anywhere. Let's agree to disagree, because if you get sucked into playing one of these games in tow, being manipulated, then you're either going to do something you regret. Say something you'll regret or more likely, just waste a whole lot of time and emotional energy getting nowhere. Aggression can be very uncomfortable, and this is not the lecture course to cover the details of dealing with aggression and conflict. But I am going to give you a short introduction to some of the key ideas. On the first is to recognize that aggression is an unpleasant, disrespectful behavior, which I'm sure you don't welcome and would like to see gone. However, aggression isn't the same as the person who is being aggressive at that time. Recognize their emotions by letting them know that you understand what's going on. I understand. I get that you're really annoyed. I get that you're really angry, but separating your mind the aggressive behaviors from the person and maintain you respect for them and commit to working together collaboratively and respectfully invite them to work together without necessarily conceding that you are going to change your mind because you may not, but you're in a conflict situation. We're dealing with aggression. Changing them weight has to be a potential option, and finally look for options that you and they may be able to agree on. A good tip is to not only acknowledge their anger, their upset, their aggression but toe ask them about it and to ask them, Want you? And they could do about it together, because when we start to analyze our emotions, it takes some of the heat out of them. From once you've taken some of the heat out of the emotion, then you can apply one of five strategies for dealing with the conflict, and the first is to make a concession. Either say yes or give a partial. Yes, but that concession is something that you would make if the value of the relationship on the importance of defusing the aggression outweigh the cost to you off the yes or off the partial. Yes, the alternative is to play toe win to stand firm on your no on except the cost in terms off the uncomfortable situation and potentially the damage to the relationship. But if what's being asked of you is more costly than the value of the relationship, you're putting at risk, and that's absolutely the thing to do. If the aggression is too great, then step away. Don't get caught in a conflict which is going to continue to escalate where you fear that the outcome is going to be unpleasant for both of you. The fourth approach is a bit of given. Take a compromise. Now. The nature of a compromise is that each of us gives up something and take something from the other person. A good compromise is one where both parties feel that what they've given up is fair in relation to what the other party has given up. But neither fields particularly good about the situation because both parties had to give something up. Compromise works and it's easier to achieve and then the next alternative. But it's never as good. The final alternative is to look for a win win solution instead of saying, Well, what can I give up? What will you give up? I actually asked, What can I give? What can you give and look to contribute to building an agreement? The more options you've got, the more things you prepare to put on table. The more successfully you can turn on aggressive conflicts, a conflict situation into a successful outcome for both of you, Persistence, manipulation on aggression. Now you've got the tours toe handle These The last question is this. When should you change your mind announced to This is simple, changing, lined when you're wrong, because you will be sometimes. Now I know that politicians hate the idea of a u turn. They lose face. But the simple fact is that if you want to be right all the time, there's only one way to do it. And that is to be prepared to change your mind quickly when you realize you're wrong when you realize you're wrong, change your mind changed or no into a yes and you have been be right. So what if they do resist well, handle persistence effectively. I won't turning some manipulation. Step away from manipulation, and it won't turning to aggression. But if you encounter aggression, be prepared to deal with it effectively. Ultimately, if you realize that any time that you were wrong to say no and change your mind and change your noble objection into a positive enthusiastic yes, no 29. What if You Want to Say Yes?: nice isn't all know what? If you want to say yes. Firstly, when you say yes, give a strong positive Committed? Yes, you could say Yeah, All right. Sort off and give a grudging Yes, But the characteristics of your yes don't effect the task that has to be done. They just affect the other person. It's gonna be just is unpleasant to task. Whether you say yeah or yes, seeing Mike Justus, well say yes. Give a confident strong yes, to give the other person a real boost to do that. But you can also say yes on your own terms because yes, pairs very nicely with another powerful word. If yes, if set your terms, I will do it. Yes, If you could do this in return, or I will do it. Yes, I'll do it. If are you allow me to get it done by the end of next week because I'm busy this week. Yes, if puts things on your own terms. But no matter whether you qualify, yes, with it, and if or whether you go straight for it once you said yes, you need to build his into your planning process on the planning process that I prefer for using your time effectively is what I call the oats principle. And the oats principle is a four step process for planning your time, whether on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. And it starts with thinking about the outcomes that you want. And, of course, we're going to wrap your new yes into tomorrow's outcomes. So at the end of each day, think about what you want to be different by the end of tomorrow. Those your outcomes. Having done that, make a list of the activities that you need to carry out to deliver those outcomes, including the yes that you made that list of activities is a bit like a to do list. But unlike a to do list, which is open and gross throughout the day, this is at her day list. It's tomorrow's list of things that you will do to achieve your outcomes for the day against each of the activities. Put down a time estimate. The time estimates helps you how long you anticipate each activity taking and its vital, because the last thing is to schedule your activities into your day. That way, you are making a commitment to yourself and therefore to the world when you are going to do them. And it's the scheduling that gives you a real sense of control over your time because you fear we have made a commitment that you can then protect against other interruptions. You use your schedule on the commitments in it to make noble objections. No, I am unable to do this because I have other things committed into this time slot. So the oats principle is a great back up to your yes, it stands for outcomes, activities, time and schedule. Use the oats principle to plan your day, and it will give you the basis for using your time effectively and for making wise choices about when to say no and make a noble objection about interruptions on Distract No. 30. What if You need a little Extra Boost?: everyone needs a little boost. Sometimes if you decide to say yes and you need that extra boost of motivation, here are a number of tips to help you and give you that boost that you need. Technique Number one is based on the fact that most of us are motivated by a deadline, so give yourself a sense of urgency. Set a deadline. Make it a challenging but possible deadline to hit. That way you'll feel the need to push yourself. Tip number two recognizes that we enjoy the work we do most when we feel we're working at the limit of our capabilities. So set yourself not just a challenging deadline, but set yourself standards. That means that you have to learn and master the art of doing it really well. Look for ways that you could improve your performance. Look for short cuts that are both efficient and effective. Find ways to hone your skills as you go along, and you will enjoy what you're doing. And enjoyment is also the basis off tip number three because researchers have found that Underachievers in school can perform better than high achievers at the same task when the task is reframed as fun. So see the thing that you've committed to yes, that you've made as the basis of pleasure and enjoyment rather than a mandatory task that you have to fulfill. Fourth tip is to look for the way I am a factor that what about may ask yourself what's in it for you to do this task and look for the benefit that you can gain from it rather than focusing solely on the fact that you're doing it for somebody else? Tip number five recognises that humans are social beings, so see the task as fitting in tow, building and strengthening a relationship. Tip number six is about control. We feel more motivated to do things where we feel in control off them. So if you're being asked to do something and you don't feel a sufficient amount of control than use, your yes, if for specify the control that you need, my final tip is to look for the meaning, the purpose, the value and what you're doing. Ask the why question? Yes, if you could tell me what I'm doing it for. Yes, if you could tell me the reason why you need it Yes, if you can tell me why it's so important as Children. We constantly both at the adults around us with the question Why, Why, why as adults, that question still goes on in our bright. And if we don't get a satisfactory because answer to our why question then there is no motivation. So my final tip is to find the why find the purpose, find the meaning and then you can connect with the reason for doing the task. If you do decide to say yes now, you got some tips to help boost your motivation on make your Yes, all the booth No. 31. Four 'What if?' Questions: there are four. What if questions that can yield powerful options for handling a request on the first of them is what if I don't do it now? If the answer to that is satisfactory, the consequences air acceptable, then your response to the question is very simple. You make a noble objection and say no respectfully and courteously in the village. But if not doing it is not inappropriate option and you can't say no, the next question is to ask, What if I only do part of it? This is an interesting question because we usually assume that the response you give to a request is binary. It's either a yes or enough, but that need not be the case. You may be able to split the task down into parts on only do some of those parts, and this gives you a range of different options. Some of those parts you can say yes to some you can say no to If you can't split it in two parts. The next question is to ask is what if I do it later? We feel that the assumption is that if I'm asked to do something, I want to do it now, and he may be more convenient to you that I do do it now, but it may not be necessary. If I can't do it now, my only choice is no. But as soon as we opened up the option to do it later, I've got more choices around scheduling and therefore I've got the option to say yes without picking up the consequences of saying yes now. So yes, I will do it if I could do it later becomes a very powerful option. The fourth question to ask is What if somebody else does it? The request has come to me, and therefore I might assume that I need to do it. But actually the request is sometimes that it gets done on I'm the person is asked. If I ask who else could do it or give the answer? Yes, it can get done. If somebody else does it, then I've opened up not just a powerful alternative to yes or no. If you're one of the people who is watching this lecture programme, focusing on saying no in an organisational setting, then you will be aware that delegation is a powerful organizational tool. It not only gives you the ability to say yes to things, but not the inconvenience of having to do them yourself. But that could be more effective and efficient in an organization, whilst also building resilience within the organization by training more people to do things. It also helps build skills and therefore builds careers. Yes, if somebody else could do it is a very powerful answer. So we've got four questions. If the onset er, what if I don't do it is not acceptable on the answer toe. What if I only do? Part of it is not possible on what if I do it later is not acceptable. And finally, what if somebody else does? It doesn't give you the answer you want. Then there's only one choice left, which is to say yes and to do it now. So we've got four questions. The yield. Five strategies to be effective in getting things no 32. What if You don't Follow my Advice?: in this program. I've given you lots of tips, lots of guidance. What's your advice and also ideas? It's over to you now. The question is, what if you don't follow my advice and guidance? Well, let's start with the question of what if you do. If you follow the advice I've given you, you'll get a renewed sense of control, more satisfaction from your life, greater levels of productivity, more respect for the people around you. And you'll be more relaxed in your work and in your home life, leaving you overall to a greater sense of fulfillment in a sense of control. But what if you don't You give up all of that. You become a leaf in the breeze, you become a doormat. You'll be stressed. You won't get very much done. Your life will feel as if you are no longer in control. It's your choice. I hand it over to you. What if you don't follow this advice? But if you do, if you do follow the advice and guidance in this course that you will feel in control of your life and that has got to be worth giving it a go, I look forward to hearing from you through the comments. Good luck. No