Self Confidence · It's In There · Claim Your Seat At The Table · Stand Up · Speak Up | Thomasina Shealey · MBA | Skillshare

Self Confidence · It's In There · Claim Your Seat At The Table · Stand Up · Speak Up

Thomasina Shealey · MBA, "Let's get started"...

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22 Lessons (1h 55m)
    • 1. Introduction · Self Confidence · It's In There

    • 2. Conversations With Ourselves

    • 3. The Source(s) of Limiting Personal Beliefs

    • 4. Early Relationships Shape Our Mindset

    • 5. The Role Mental Filters Play In Our Everyday Lives

    • 6. First Impressions Are

    • 7. Last Impressions

    • 8. Verbal Communication

    • 9. Non Verbal Communication

    • 10. Creating Desired Verbal and Non Verbal Communication Styles

    • 11. Entering The Room

    • 12. Claim Your Seat At The Table

    • 13. The Overlooked Power Of Complimenting

    • 14. The Incredible Strength Of Purposeful Small Talk

    • 15. How To Deal With An Intimidating Person

    • 16. Be On The Lookout For The Backhand Serve

    • 17. Eliminate Negative Toxic People

    • 18. Creating A Desired State Of Being

    • 19. Visualize

    • 20. The Private List

    • 21. Find your Purpose

    • 22. Summary · Invitation


About This Class

Self Confidence · It's In There · Claim Your Seat At The Table · Stand Up · Speak Up · Strengthen Your Self Confidence · Verbal Influence / Communication · Non Verbal Influence / Communication

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” · Ralph Waldo Emerson


At one point or another, we will all need a lift to our self confidence.

No one is immune.

It is a constant self awareness you must make part of your total being.

In this course, you will gain simple ways to think differently about who you are and your place in the world.

This course will change your life and place you in better control of your confidence levels in a variety of social and professional situations.

Enjoy the course in small sections at your leisure.

Or complete in one session.

This course is concise, clear and filled with mental and emotional tools you can immediately use to create lasting change in your self confidence.

By the end of the course you will be able to live more contently, more confidently and most importantly, at peace with the ability to pursue the life you have always wanted.

The good news...confidence is a skill you can learn.

There are no barriers.

Simply, practice.

In this course I will share with you some of my personal experiences and best strategies for becoming more self confident.

This course is designed to jump start you in the right direction.

I am certain you will feel the results.

Let's get started!


1. Introduction · Self Confidence · It's In There: welcome. Thank you very much for joining me. My name is Thomasina Shealy, and I am your instructor for this course on. So confidence it's in there. I am so excited to be here and the real to be bringing this course to you. Um, normally, you know, I make real estate courses and business glasses and investing and finance courses, but, um, recently, I've been thinking a lot about just so confidence. And I read a lot of in the news about self care, you know, self love, self esteem, self confidence. And, you know, those are all just very, very different things. And, um, I was recently talking to my daughter, who is 31 who I had always envisioned an enormous amount of confidence. And she told me just a really funny story on how it was. You know, she was in the process of preparing for presentation. She writes music for film and television in Los Angeles, and she talked about how nervous she waas lesson. Well, that's normal, she says, No, there's something about this particular meeting that I just don't know if what I'm doing is gonna be good enough. And, uh, that I've never hear something like that from my daughter. But you know, at any given point, none of us is immune. We all suffer from a lack of self confidence at some point, Um, when you have an opportunity, you can take a look at my bio just to, you know, familiarize yourself a little bit about me. My background is in a little state and marketing and banking. I have my MBA in finance. I'm 63 now, and I'm semi retired that being part of my life in the US and part of my life in France. Very happy doing that. But I'm especially happy because now I can do the things that I love. And that's teaching mentoring, especially with the twenties and 30 year olds. But I have clients in their forties, fifties and sixties. You would be surprised. I mean, just because you have a very high self esteem does not mean that your confidence level is equally high. They may be first cousins, but those are two different things. So I wanted to put this course together because, you know, as a rose, they broker, having really we have way, don't have a luxury having a shortage of confidence. Or is shortage on, you know, talking to people and getting things done and finding our seat at the table and making sure we're heard. It just seems to come with the territory. And he has. Some people are born with that personality that men's itself, having a high degree of confidence. Confidence is not something you're born with. Your personality, Yes, and then based on that personality, yeah, you may in fact, have a very high degree of confidence as you move on through. Your early isn't and media's, you know, but a lot of us are not born with that personality. And the good news it is. Confidence is a skill set that can be learned. I had to learn it. Maybe now it's your turn. Um, and it's a very important skill set just on a personal level, a social level, and certainly on a business level. So I put the course together. The lessons are very short and concise and very hands on. I'm gonna want you to practice with me, okay? And you're gonna love it. It's a quick class. It's very, you know, just six Inc. And you're gonna very quickly be able to put what I talk about into practice immediately that day. The very next day, believe me. So I welcome you again to the class and thank you for joining me. And let's get started on that self confidence. Let's see. Where where did it go wrong? At what point in your life did you stop having confidence or did you just never have confidence at all? Um, somewhere along the line, something got in here and now it is dictated how you are for a good portion of your life. Let's see if we can put that to rest. Okay, So I will see you in the next lecture and thank you again for joining me. 2. Conversations With Ourselves: So it's Thomasina. I'm welcome back now for the second lecture. Conversations with ourselves. Okay, How many of you taking this course? Actually, wake up in the morning and have a conversation with yourself. Have you ever stood in front of the mirror and just talk to yourself? Work units. I know it sounds a little touchy feeling and a little weird, but it's not because you cannot have a conversation with yourself. How in the world are you going to have a conversation with anyone else? You need to stand there. This is an exercise. I want you to go to your mirror. I want you to stand in front of the mirror and then I just want to take a look at yourself . Look in your eyes. Your news, your mouth, your hair, your face. What are you seeing? What are you seeing? Are you seeing a person, your love, where you're seeing a person that you just never took the time to become familiar with? What's going on through your head right now? As you're having that conversation, let me give you an example. In the mornings when I wake up, okay? Depending on the kind of morning that I'm having when I wink up, whether I may be a meeting or not having a meeting, its how I feel when I wake up from I'm a little tired or sluggish. I put on music that give me just a little bit more bounce. Sometimes I drink a green tea. Sometimes I have a coffee, but I do a ritual that gets me on track. When your mind is right in the proper place, you are going to find that you're gonna feel wonderful about yourself. And when you feel wonderful about yourself, that is a form of confidence, your confidence in what you're seeing and hearing at that moment. Now, some mornings I wake up and I'm feeling a little down and out for me. That's when I listen to gospel music. Other people may choose to listen to classical you may choose. Listen, some of your favorite artists. You may choose to do yoga. You may sit and meditate. You may pray, I don't know, but what I want you to do Whatever you're doing, I want you to stand in the mirror and do it, spend some time with yourself and then have a conversation. Just keep staring at yourself in the mirror. You to be surprised that at some point you're going to start talking to yourself. Watch how your mouth moves. What what your eyes do. Watch very closely how much you open your mouth, what you show. Do you show your teeth? Do you show your tongue? Do you show? What do you show when you talk? Have that conversation. It's pretty incredible, and it's pretty powerful. I think it sounds a little new age, but believe me, it's not. You're gonna stand there, whether it's after your show before your shower, and I want you to analyze everything in that mirror and then you tell yourself, What is it in that mirror that you love and that you like? I don't want to hear the words. I got the side of that coin. What I don't know and what I don't like. That's a negative look in your head. There's no reason for that. I don't know why people look to the things they don't like in themselves. That's bizarre. Look for the things that you know you love about yourself. Yeah, that's what I want you to do. This lecture. And that's what I want you to do. And and I want you to write me and tell me what you saw. What did you see? And then from there we can talk. We can talk online. I can give you feedback. But you know what? It's in there. There's not a single thing about you that you can't find something magnificent about. I'm not kidding. And I'm no girl. I'm just a 63 year old, 20 year divorce. Say, you know, living her dream life. Not so Lux, but still living it the way I want to. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you planning to do? Talk to that mirror? Okay. Give that mirror you in that mirror. Some thoughts about what it is you want to say to you. Okay? Write me. See? In the next lecture 3. The Source(s) of Limiting Personal Beliefs: Welcome back. Its Thomasina Okay for this lecture, we're gonna talk about the source or sources. There may be multiple sources of limiting personal beliefs. Okay. Limiting personal police. When did it begin? How did it happen? Who was that person or who were those people? I'm gonna tell you my story. It's not a good one, but it's my story, okay? I'm nine or 10 years old. I am the middle child of five Children, and my oldest brother now is in Australia. My sister was in upstate New York. Then I was the middle child on my next brother underneath me and my other brother underneath me. So I was always that person always looking for that acceptance. Okay, I didn't get it. I got opposite. Now listen to this. I had a grandmother. Every summer, my mother would pack our clothes and she would ship us off to our grandparent's. We lived in upstate New York and they were down in Alabama. You had all of our cousins all on the same street. But the interesting thing is, when I was a little girl, that was look chubby, okay? And, you know, just like kids are being bullied today for a variety of reasons, you're actually teased and product for being a little overweight. I had a grandmother who actually would say some of them being these things to me in the world to a 10 year old child, about my wheat, about me not, you know, helping more around the house in 10 years old. It's the summer. I just want to run around barefoot. But no. As soon as we would jump out of the car, my father would drive down the boys. All three of them would go running off in one direction. And then she wanted me and my sister to come in the house. And then we had to set the table. We had to start helping with the cooking, not granted. I see I was born in 1957. So this is 1967. Why am I in the house and in the kitchen? And I'm not out running around like my brothers. So then summer after summer after summer we go now, she got to the point where she would say, Ah, she would call my mother. Are you bringing the smart one, or are you bringing the lazy one. Now back then. Smart. The definition of smart. She wasn't talking about up here. She was saying she's smart because she helps. Very quickly, she jumps out of the car. This was my sister, and she starts setting the table or helping a cook or peeling the potatoes are doing whatever it is my grandmother needed her to Dio. My sister was the smart one. She was the one who helped. I was the lazy one. So this was the message I got for I don't know how many years. So I was the lazy one. There's a really loop for 10 year old girl. 10 11 12 13 14. Meanwhile, in my family, who was the smartest one in school? Me, who was the one that was, you know, got all the straight A's me. Who was the one that got accepted in all the universities that like to meet? But I had a grandmother that told me for almost 10 years, but I was relatively easy one. And so, you know, you can imagine what that did to my confidence for many, many years. Well, it's the same with you. Okay? There's somebody in your life who gave you that message early? I mean early. Who was that person? Why would they say those things to you? Have you forgiven him? I'm trying to say, At 63 point, they got forgiven my grandmother fall. But I think, for the most part, okay, that was all she knew with the dives of. Maybe that's the way she communicated as she was an educator. Humanity to the teacher. So I'm sure my symptoms might disagree with me. And I'm sure they might be very angry that I've shared this with you. But it was my reality. And it was when I grew up with. So I had to find my self confidence, other ways. And I found it in sports. I played girls basketball in high school. I played basketball in college. I made sure I took the most difficult classes. I made sure I did this. Let me. Sure I did. That made sure I did that. So I became this overachiever. Is that a former confidence? Not really. That's a form of overcompensating for a lack of competence. Confidence? That's when I did. I overcompensated for my lack of confidence. So it appeared that I had confidence so everyone would say, Oh, you always seem so sure this, um wow. You go into something and you always accomplish this. And I think to myself I'm overcompensating for other deficiencies that I have lived with all these years. So I want you to be that brute and that honest with yourself. Where did your limiting beliefs come from? Where they derived? Who brought them on you? Have you released them? How did you defeat them? How are you going to defeat them? That's what this lectures about. Find those limiting belief sources. And then you got it. Course those okay, See in the next lecture. 4. Early Relationships Shape Our Mindset: Oh, welcome back. And thanks again for joining me. This lecture is very close. The previous one. Early relationships shape our mindset. I shared the story with you about my grandmother. That was a very early relationship. The rest of my relationships during my childhood, they gave me absolute joy, but that one relationship, it shaped the way I saw things. And now it's 63. Look, I'm still talking about it, So think about your early relationships. I don't know if you're in your twenties, thirties forties, fifties sixties. Sometimes they're early relationships when your child most of the time they are. Sometimes they came about in your twenties, maybe after you entered relationships with people. And then you started listening to that and believing their perception of you instead of trusting your perception of yourself. I don't know. Maybe you were in your thirties. Now you're married. Maybe you're not married. Maybe people were talking about because you're not married. What's going on? What's happening with you? Like it's your fault. They don't realize Maybe you've chosen to be selectively single. You know that's a loop. Believe me, that's a damaging loop for persons confidence. We can only get so much from our job, we can go to our workplace. And yes, people can love us and praise us and worship us and put us up on a lot of skill because we do good work and then we go home and behind that closed door our confidence just suffers because the people we love and care for are the ones that are judging us, not the strangers. Isn't that interesting? We could get what we need from strangers because guess what? They don't know us. They have no vested interest in making a spiel, a lack of confidence. But our best friends are family members. Why they would turn on us like that. I don't know. Sometimes a person talks about you and manner. That's not so great. Teoh elevate themselves. You know it. You've seen it. They will say something backhanded and strange, and you're like, Well, that wasn't necessary. What do you have to make me feel so bad just to elevate yourself. And I want you to start thinking about that every time you hear something that's a negative look about you from someone else's about. It's one thing you lupin negative stuff about you to you in that mirror. That's another thing when someone's bringing negativity to you about you, as if they have the power and the right to do that, which they don't. And yet you are swallowing it whole. You are putting it on like it's a coat of armor. You're walking around with this weight. Somebody else is. No said that to you, Not drawn up your mouth has the power, your mind as the bower, but yet another person who you love and care for a value they got you going in circles with your confidence levels. Don't buy into it. Snap out of it. You must stop letting other people shape your mindset. It's better you get a book and read and live a life of solo nous. Then let another person go in here and come out in here and sit in there and defying what you think. How you bill, how you dress you, how you respond, how you don't respond. Your confidence will suffer deeper and darker than you can even imagine. So you need to again go back to that previous lecture, stand in the mirror and say, Who in my life stare It's they who in my life is doing this to my mind's it. I must stop it. Right? You can do it if you can't do it. That's an entirely different course. This courses for people who are ready to make that change. You gotta be ready. It's not gonna be easy, but it's not. You don't need a PhD. You don't. It's in there. It's already in there. It just got beat down the down. You gotta dig deep. Okay? Dig deep. That sent me a message. Tell me what you're thinking. And, uh, I'm gonna pull this about you one way or another. It's important. Okay. See you in the next class. 5. The Role Mental Filters Play In Our Everyday Lives: morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. And thank you for being here. My name is Thomasina, and I hope you're enjoying this self confidence course today. We're gonna talk about mental filters. Yeah, we've got him there. There. Sometimes they have holes and just like the filter, you know, in your car. And just like the filter in your furnace of time, it's filled with let and dust and dirt where our mind has filters to, And sometimes those filters are covered in dust and dirt. Sometimes the filters have holds. Sometimes the builders are not flowing very well, and we're letting things in. And instead of letting it flow out, the other side is getting stuck, right? Yeah. Mental filters. Let me give you some examples. Someone tells you. Oh, you look really nice today. You did a great job. That presentation. You look wonderful. You know, it probably would have been a little better had you done this. This this? Okay. I always tell my kids How come you can't just stop it? A I do a and then B b is the thing that kills the confidence. I only want to be around people who tell me a just tell me you can predict me. It's OK. So this is positive criticism. There is a sex thing to tell it in a way that you don't try to destroy my confidence levels . Sometimes in our workplace when we're getting our review, you know, our supervisors are bosses are you know, they deliver your review in a way that it just kills yourself? Coffins. And then some of us are lucky to have those bosses, those people in leadership positions who know how to give you that. Ah, they don't have to deliver it to you so that you're getting the point, and they're still elevating you. That is a skill set. It's okay if you want to tell me something I could have done a little differently, but to say, Oh, you probably would have been better if you had that better, because that's the other side of better. Worse. Maybe you could use something like, You know what? That was incredible. You know, the next time, perhaps you could app it up even more with this. It's the words that are killing your confidence, not just the message. It's helping messages delivered. Everybody doesn't have that skill set to be able to deliver a great message. Think about people who are listening to this, that her pants. Sometimes we just delivering the message to those kids. We didn't think one way or another about how we got that out of our mouth. In the moment of anger, we delivered a message. But guess what? In that moment of anger, we may have played a role in destroying the confidence level of our Children. It's the same when you're in a built. It's the same with the husband or wife in your role. When you do liver a message how it's delivered can either elevate or it can destroy. So that's gonna happen. So you want to be around people who are elevating you with messages that are yes, we all concerned a bill improvement. That's just no, But you want the message to be delivered. So voted, elevates and motivates and inspires you do not want. The message that destroys confidence instills doubt, and that's mostly what we're getting many times. And so it's a wonder a lot of us suffer from a lack of confidence. It sounds like such a cliche, but, you know, even some of the greatest peoples of people. The world. They suffer from the lack of confidence because they had family to They had people that trusted people they embraced. And the message came in that was not so good. And their confidence was affected as a result of it. Many of us grew up with people telling us we can't do this. We can't do that. You can't do this. You can't do that, you know, turn the cooling over. For Pete's sake, tell me what I can do. You're not good at this. You're not good at that. You're not good at this. You know I could do that. You really should do that. She really should do that. Turned the coin over. You're good at this. You're good at this. Maybe you should try this. Maybe you should try that. You're good at this. You're good at this. Try this. Try this. It's the message. So confidence is destroyed by a message. That's it. I want you to for this course. When this course in this particular elect lecture. I want you to start listening to how the message is delivered for the people around you that you interface with everything. How they lived in you up as a neutral. I'll take neutral. Or are they delivering your message system killing you? You like Nothing I do is good enough. What's with this relentless critique? Remember, be aware those folks who are very, as they say in France. Iraqi name. I love that word. We refine this, say, a refugee name. They work the Trevi a work day and what they worked behind you. I love it. That's true. They will say something. It sounds like a compliment. It sounds like it's elevating you, but really, it's Dedinje. You, it's behind you and it's just when something doesn't feel right. There's a good chance. It's not like now, as a child, you don't even have the ability to filter like that to filter like that. But as an adult, you do. You do so listen to the words. See other delivered. Respond to quarterly. You have the right to Brooke your right toe open. It's your choice. See you next class 6. First Impressions Are: Oh, good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. And thank you again for joining me. This is your course and self confidence. And my name is Thomasina Sheeley. And I'm delighted to be here now. First and Russians what we heard or heard it. First impressions are lasting impressions. Okay. I think we've all found that to be pretty much true. They can be lasting. They can be changed as well. But first impressions are just that. People have a tendency to remember that sometimes we don't get a second chance for a second impressions. But I want you to dough. First impressions are just that First impressions. Everybody has a bad day. Even Resource is Seattle Slew. At some point, he had a first impression E mean and then went on to give everybody out. Last thing, last impression, you know? So it's the same in your life, you know? Yes, first. And brushes are, in fact, very, very important. So it's nice to bring your a game right away. That's where confidence comes in. As a real estate broker. I gotta go into these listing presentations. I gotta bring my a game. I got one time to make a first impression. I've got to make sure they understand me. They trust me with slipping and selling their house. They understand. I'm gonna do it. I've got a come at it. Come at it. Come in it, you two. That's when you have that conversation with yourself in the mirror before you go on that presentation and you look at yourself and you ask yourself, Why would they not lets you take on their property? You have toe, have that conversation and look at yourself. Would I give myself this listing? What is it about me that I would not hire me? Or I would not like to be with me? Have our conversation because then it's going to be easier for you to make a first impression because you're gonna walk in there again. Remember self esteem, self confidence to different things. You may have swagger, and you may have a high self esteem, but sometimes you get in those situations where your confidence just it just puts the brakes on. You know, talk to yourself. Ask yourself, Would you hire you? We're June, say after a conversation with you. Don't nobly first impression. Bring your a game every time. Bring your buried confidence. Dig that thing out of there. It's in there. Bring it out there and you ask you something about you put on the full face. Do you put on You know I don't care of your male or females you got Have your face right, your eyes bright. You know, just everything. Just engaged, engaged, engaged. That's what a confident person is. They just fully engaged, engaged with life. They're engaged in love. They're engaged food. They're engaged in what's going on in front of them. That's the confidence Doctor you wanna look like somebody's engaged in is the moment nobody wants to be around somebody that has a distant look in their eye. Like I'd rather not be here. That's that Quick confidence comes from within cliche. Yes, true. Yes, it comes from within. Nobody can give you confidence. That's not what I can give you. But what I can tell you is these are the things to help you develop your confidence. It's a skill set, that's all. And you've got a throw yourself out there. Just throw your hurl yourself out there. You got nothing to lose. You're not hurting anybody. You're not being unkind. Anybody. You just gotta learn to throw yourself out there and get that reaction and see what part of you is it that people are responding? Teoh. And then you'll find your confidence. And then all of a sudden, that first implant and freshen, you just blow in the room apart. You walk in there like they like this son away says, Oh, the party doesn't start till I get here. So bizarre. But there are people who are like that. I walk into a room and the room just accept like, Yep, everything's about to start now because you're here now and that's that. You need to go around like, you know, a lamp, you know? But it is nice to walk into a room and people like, there's I'm so glad she's here, whether glad you're there because you bring that energy, you bring that confidence you bring what everybody wants to touch and be around. So let's keep digging deeper. Let's get that back out there. Okay? See you next class 7. Last Impressions: come back. And the last lecture on first impressions. Now we're going to the other side of the cooler. Last impressions. Okay, So okay. You botched the first impression. It happens, OK? It's not catastrophic. Okay? You learn from it. Why'd you botch it? That should be the next question. It's a first impression. Was it your confidence? Well, there's something you said because you lack confidence. You said something that was little out of the ordinary. What was it? Let's go with last impressions. Okay, Now you've arrived. You didn't really? While the crowd you walk into a room. What kind of know you there, but kind of not I have been there. I've been there, especially in my twenties. Now, when I arrive, it's like, Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's absent. Fine. We talk about things. We're gonna talk about conversations later because believe being when you get your small talk together, your confidence level goes up. Up, up, up, up. But, yeah, last impressions. When you now leave the room. What did you leave people with? What are they gonna remember about you? Mm. Something you wore? Yeah. Trying to remember something you said that was witty. you know, did you talk about maybe a book that you read or for, um, did you hear you talk business? What's gonna be the last impression that people say, Oh, why here? Shea were really, really nice, and they had such an air about him. Such That's the word people use when they don't say confidence. There's such a ha suppressing for share. He's a breath of fresh air. You know, you want people to say that, you know? How are you gonna develop your breath of fresh? You're gonna smile a little bit more? Yeah, it's nice. That's nice. Gonna be more engaging. That's nice. You know, we don't have to have ah, 200 I Q to be engaging. Is that the? No, I'll do it All right now. That's different. When you have a lack of confidence, interacting is very painful. You do have to force yourself a little bit, but with practice comes traffic. It's the same with confidence. You must practice it. You can practice it at the supermarket. You can practice it on your job. You can practice it with your family. You know, you can say things that may sound bold to you, but normal for other people's. But for you it was very bold. And that's you developing your confidence. You know, talking outside your box, thinking outside your butts, saying something else out of your box, which seems revolutionary to you. But really, it's just you developing your confidence. Don't shy away from being bowled. What you saying? Because that builds your confidence. Don't shy away from a conversation cause you don't know everything about it. Nobody knows everything about everything. Even Einstein knew a lot but even know everything. There is not a person born in this world that news everything, so there's no reason to you to approach the situation as if that person is more than expert that you are on a certain subject. Well, they may be an expert in their veal. That's different. If that's their field of study, yes, that they're an expert. Then you could contribute at a different level in that conversation. But asking you nice question that's confident, just confident enough to ask a question to an expert. That's a level of confidence. A lot of people are too nervous for that. I think about when reporters were sitting in the Oval Office, and they're all everybody wants to ask a question. There are some reports and just sit there and take notes. They just don't have the confidence to jump out there. And somebody tell them No, we're not gonna call on you or, you know, could you sit down? They don't want to be rejected like that. They don't have that confidence. You know, being rejected takes a lot of confidence to, So it's okay to comment on a subject that you may not be an expert in. Ask the appropriate question. It takes confidence to do that. Okay, practice, practice, practice, inject, inject, inject. The more you question, the more you grow. The more you grow, the more confidence you'll have. And then it's important you're gonna stay. Gosh, how did I let that get away from me all these years? Because it is in there, It's there. It's just been dormant, sitting there waiting for you to pull it out. For some reason, you just tapped it down. It was easier. You didn't want to deal with a lot of things. You didn't want to address it. But, you know, now it's here, and it's been haunting you for many years. So it's time to put that ghost out, and you're doing it now. So onto the next lecture. 8. Verbal Communication: back. It's Thomasina and this, like chairs on verbal communication. Oh, boy, I know you've already heard this. These two words put together verbal communication and the next lecture. Nonverbal communication. I mean, we've heard this all our life. When you're young, there's verbal communication and non verbal communication. Win year in college High school is verbal and nonverbal communications. You learn this in all your communication glasses. You learn this as you go through life. You know, there are things you say and things you don't say. The message is clear. Let's go back to that lecture where you know, who were the people who defined us as we were younger. He destroyed our confidence. Okay? There was verbal communication that took place during that level of destruction. It was clear you were not accepted for who you were. You were not thought very highly. Oh, they put a message in your head early verbal communication and it hurt and you have suffered. You cannot hold on to that forever. You cannot use it. Is this shield for not growing? You know, we do that. We let it hold us back. But verbal communication is powerful. I say it all the time. Sometimes when you you know, you read in the paper about people you know you know, physical abuse until abuse. You know that verbal communication can be abusive and it could be just a deadly, I want to say or more because physical abuse is pretty heavy, but verbal communication when it shatters your confidence, it's like getting punched in the gut, punched in the face. You are constantly being hit, hit, hit and his verbal words that are coming at you. Like I said, Imagine is a child. You've got this common inch of this verbal verbal, verbal verbal communication That's just destroying, destroying, destroying, destroying your confidence. You don't stand a chance. So what I want you to do is think about all those words that caused you to lose your confidence. All those times a verbal communication was directed a Jew that created a situation that made you lose your confidence, and I want you to write them down. Who was the person? Write it down. What was the situation? Write it down and what was said. Write it down. In what year when was it said? I want you to look at that and read that and write that down, too, please. This is an exercise you must do because it's very important. Be unifying your sources of what was said to you that created this lack of confidence. Every little child who is born, it comes out of no. Like I said before, they're not born with confidence, but they're born this beautiful or a and just magnificent being. And then they come into the world, and then the family moles them in situations, mold them and verbal communication moved them. And next thing you know, you either have his child that's soaring like a rocket from NASA, where you have this child and looks like a nuclear missile hit them. And that's all because of variable communication that was shared with them, directed it them instill then then, and looked through their mind all through their child all through their middle years, all through their life. And that is difficult to dig out. But you must. That's why you're here. So please write those things down. Who said what to you? How old were you when it was said? What did they say to you? What were the exact words? Because you don't want to tackle that to get your confidence level back to where it needs to be. Okay, See in the next lecture. 9. Non Verbal Communication: Hello and welcome back. This is Thomasina. And you were in your self confidence course, and I hope you're enjoying it. I'm certainly enjoying you today. We're gonna talk about nonverbal impressions and communication. Um, the last lecture we talked about the verbal communication and the impressions they leave. Um, I think we've all heard the term nonverbal communications, a k a. Body language, slumped shoulders, standing erect, commanding your space, all those nonverbal communication dropping your head, dropping your eyes now, depending on which culture you are from those maybe acceptable nonverbal expressions and communications that you send out. But if you're taking this course on self confidence, you know that those are body language is, or non verbal impressions and expressions that denote a no sense of self confidence. So I want you to practice making eye contact when you're talking to people. Um, you can blink. It doesn't have to be a stare, but it does have to be direct. Then you have to make that I contact. I know many times you want to just look away. I know you just get maybe intimidated or just not feeling very comfortable. But the more direct you are, with your eye contact. Guess what you do. You neutralize the other person. You know the person is neutralize, just like on Star Trek. With that is that laser? Something about eye contact neutralizes the conversation. People are looking at you. You're looking at them than you were saying. I see you. Not only will I see you when I'm looking at like you like this, I can hear you better. The high sense of self confidence that you're now projecting. So I want you to practice those non verbal communication clues if you find yourself looking away especially that's not good. When you're talking to a person, you know, looking directly at them, that means that the confidence level was low, your field slightly intimidated. You're definitely uncomfortable. And now that person is reading. What in your face? Remember the mirror exercise? Yeah. You're looking directly at yourself. Practice that a little bit more. Okay, practice that because that's a direct look atyou. If you're looking away from yourself, then you know you're doing it to other people as well. Okay, so the main take away from this lecture non verbal that needs you are not talking, but every where you're standing and everywhere you're walking whether you're at the office , whether you're church services, where the year with your Children at school, whether you're out jogging or exercising matter where you are in a supermarket, you were sending off non verbal communication messages with everything you do, the way you move your hands where you move your head the way you move your lips, the way your eyes focus non verbal structure of your shoulders. You know, back the rag slum and looking pretty defeated. How are you standing? What are you looking at? How is your head? How high is it? Hell, where is your nose? Not too high, I hope. But all these are those non verbal communication expressions and impressions that you leave . Okay, So on that note, let's put the nose back in place and let's concentrate on that and I see you next lecture 10. Creating Desired Verbal and Non Verbal Communication Styles: Hello. And welcome back to your self confidence course. Okay, today we're gonna talk about how you would you create those desired nonverbal and verbal communication skills? How are you going to create those? No, that's a soon you know. Where's your communication left? Okay. Verbal and non verbal. Have you ever even thought about that? Maybe. Maybe not. Okay, on a scale of 1 to 10 where was your confidence level before you started this course? 0124789 Some people are just trying to improve and go up. Some have done and are starting from the base, depending on where you're starting with trying to build your confidence level. That's where you're going to start with creating the desired verbal and non verbal communication and impressions and skill set. Okay, so if you're starting from a base of zero or one or two, you feel like you have absolutely no confidence. You don't even know where to begin. Then you need to begin at the beginning. Go back to the first exercise. You look in the mirror. What you're seeing are your nonverbal communication and non verbal vibes that you're giving off. What's in that mirror. That's your base change. What's in that mirror that becomes your base? Elevate what's in that mirror that becomes your base. Now practice your conversations and what you like to talk about and what you're good at talking about. We're gonna talk a little bit about small talk later. So I'm gonna give you those tools. But for now, I want you to think about you are at the base of 0123 With your self confidence, you need to just now just grasp onto what it is you're looking at, what you're seeing in the mirror. That's all I can tell you. At this point. You need to hold on to that. If you were studying at a base where you were in 6785678 and you're just trying to improve , then now you are layering on top of some things that you already know. Now you were pulling from what you know, and you're drawing on those strengths and you're expanding on those strengths. So you want to put some very powerful and desirable verbal communication and verbal impression skills in your arsenal. That's what this is about. And So you think about your level and you write down where you think your level is, And then this exercise I need you to write me. Because this exercise is a little bit more detailed. It can't be generic. So if you're between zero and four or five with your confidence level, please write me and tell me what it is you saw when you looked in the mirror. Where do you see your strengths to be? And then I'm gonna give you a little bit more custom response on what I need you to do. If you're at 5678 and you're expanding on that base, I need you to write me because I need to write something more custom for you. This particular lecture creating desired levels of verbal and non verbal communication skills. This is not something that we can do. Just boat to three minutes in this particular lecture. It is essential, absolutely essential that you write me on this one and then I'm going to give you your custom response. Okay? We're going to stay in touch with one another. Okay? All right. See you in the next lecture. 11. Entering The Room: Welcome back, Mrs Thomasina, and you are taking your self confidence course. How are you doing? Talk to me. Tell me. I certainly hope you're getting something from this. Um, this course it's just near and dear to me. And this lecture entering the room is especially pretty cool for May. Because it's just something that I want you to start taking on that presence. Whether you're entering the room at home, entering the room with your Children, entering your room and meetings professional, personal, social It doesn't matter. It just means that you are entering that room and you are who you are. I want to share this with you. Confidence is not saying will they like me? Confidence having confidence is realizing I'm perfectly funny if they don't, and that's what entering the room is. When you arrive in your specific situation, your confidence in yourself needs to be able to say in here that it's nice if you like me, But I'm perfectly comfortable. If you don't, that's confidence that's entering a room. The term entering a room is just a generic turn I use with my 31 year old daughter. With my 34 year old friend. When you enter the room is your loop in your mind ready? There will be people who don't even know you. But they don't like you because of the manner in which you ripped Now into it. The room Your head is up. Your shoulders are back. Your confidence level is through the roof nonverbally. Your confidence level is through the roof just by the way you enter that room now internally and how you talk depending on how people respond to how you talk, keep that loop in mind. Oh, quietly say to yourself, I can see in the eyes the way people are responding to me. There are some people who do not approve with may do not approve of what I'm saying. Well, they have the right, but I am perfectly confident in what I'm saying. I'm confident in who I am. I am confident in knowing that I am being kind and I'm projecting and I am sharing the information I have. And I am confident in who I am and my abilities If they like me, that's nice. And they don't like me. I am perfectly fine with that as well. That's confidence. That's entering the room. Hold on to that. Okay. See you next class. 12. Claim Your Seat At The Table: Oh, it's Thomasina. I'm so glad you're here for this lecture. This is one those power lunches today. Okay? It's called claiming your seat at the table early and often, just like we talked about that last lesson at last lecture Entering the room with this and this and this and the head straight. Now we're talking about claiming your seat at the table There in. That's a figure of speech. There may not be a table. There may not be a seat. You may be standing. You may be in a group with a group of people. You may be in a business meeting you. Maybe, you know, with your Children somewhere you may be, as I say in the supermarket or you could be on vacation, But there is something about a confident person. Have you seen that confident person come into San Francisco airport? Something's going on that flight, and there are people who walk up to the desk and they're talking to the reservation people and they're staying there. Is there? Is there something? And then there's this person who comes in that's completely rude. You can tell by what they say that they're being rude some people will view that all they're confident of confidence doesn't mean that you're rude and aggressive and you're coming at people. That's not confidence. That's just pure and simple room. It's confidence is a strength. It's in aura that you can walk up and still be polite and professional. And I'm break and you still make that person feel valued because you were confident in who you are. You don't need to minimize somebody else toe. Elevate your confidence. That's wrong. So if you're doing that, you got it all wrong. Confidence is that person that walks up with the elevated politeness and the exquisite execution off what it is, they have to say. The air clear their direct. They're not concerned whether a person likes them or they don't like them. A competent person is not concerned with that. A confident person is concerned with relaying their message in the most polished and kind wake. They can deliver it. That, to me, is a confident person. A competent person elevates. So when you are taking your seat at the table and I use this term to describe what it is especially, you know, I'm a woman, maybe there are a lot of women watching my daughter. I have groomed her through her twenties to take her seat at that table. Do not let someone make you feel like you don't belong at the table. That's a lack of confidence when you don't take your seat early and often, when you don't claim your place, you don't stand back and let other people claim to place the table. You take your seat at the table, you take it how you need to take it. But I always like to emphasize. Take it politely. Take it directly. You do not have to be reckless and angry and vicious to be confident. As a matter of fact, the most powerful people sometimes are the most competent people because they have discovered that power did not come from the big mouth. Power did not come from having all this money. Power did not come from an incredible amount of influence. Their power came from the confidence that they projected when they spoke to people and the message they delivered their confidence gave them power. Their confidence gained them that loyalty that success from the people who may work for them or the people in their space. Their confidence made people feel strong, their confidence main. People feel secure confidence, concrete's all of that and the people around you. So if you are a mom or dad and you have Children and you are raising them with confidence, you are delivering your message with confidence. They are going to be confident. Children they are because they gotta learn how to deliver the message. So people listen. So when I use the term claim your seat at the table, that's what I'm talking about. Let people know where you stand, whether you were at the airport at that booth, whether you're in a hotel and they have lost your reservation, there is no reason to go crazy because your reservation is lost. But when you are confident and you confidence brings that directness, it does. A competent person is almost brutally direct, you know, just brutally direct. That's a confident person, and they get results. So you will find your life just completely turned around when you master that level of confidence. And it all begins with the non verbal clues, nonverbal impressions, nonverbal communication. And then, when you enter that room, people see you. They haven't heard your voice. I don't know anything about you, but just your face. Your eyes, your structure, everything. It relays the message off confidence depending on how you don't live that packets. Then when you do, open your mouth and you start to speak. You want to make sure your nonverbal message holder matches your verbal message. Okay? Take your seat at the table early and often. See you next Lecture. 13. The Overlooked Power Of Complimenting: Hello. Welcome back its thomasina And today's lecture is the overlooked power of complimenting now . No, we're not talking about that kissing up to somebody just to get what you want. Believe me, that's not a confident person. Well, they do is just give compliments. Compliments, compliments. Kiss up, kids up, kids up. Suck up suck ups that actually that's a person with very little self esteem, always seeking improbable. When we said about that, that's done, you don't need to seek approval or probably even someone like you or they don't and you're comfortable with both sides of the coin. That's confidence. You're comfortable with both sides of the coin. Your life is all about that, and about elevating and inspiring other people to their levels of confidence. Yours is in there. You're pulling it out with each elector, your completing and practicing. You're pulling out your confidence, Believe me. Tell May write me. Aren't you feeling something? Aren't you feeling something? Haven't you taken something and put it into play? Have you changed your verbal delivery of what you say? How are your nonverbal communication skills going? Nonverbal house, the body looking house, the face. How's that shoulder How's the head out of the nose? How's it going? And then what about your verbal? Have you changed a little bit away? How you delivering your small talk? Are you making the conversation about other people? Because that's where confident people do. People with low self esteem and confidence. You make the conversation about themselves, people with high self healthy and low confidence. They make the conversation about themselves. Okay, so that's a confident conversation. When you can talk about something other than yourself, this lecture complementing, I want you to start thinking about being transparent. You are now transparent, but you can see everything you're thinking. Everything you're feeling, everything you're about to say before you even say it. You are now transparent, and every time you open your mouth and you give someone a compliment, it lacks sincerity. Think about yourself turning purple. OK, you have now said something that lacks sincerity. That's not a confident person. You're not inspiring. You're not creating that vibe that you should be doing. You're not elevating, so you want to be transparent in your compliments. You want them to be genuine and sincere. They don't need to be over killed but it's very powerful when you walk in and you don't just say a nice dress that's off handed A nice dress. How about this? Oh, your dress is amazing. Where did you find it? Open ended, Yes. Inspiring. Elevating, Yes. Seeking energy and information. Yes. Confident. Oh, wow. That presentation you gave today it was incredible. Especially that part about Be specific. Don't just do this general thing. Oh, it's a great presentation closed. Just that sincere is that powerful? You know, your presentation was right on point when you talked about blah, blah, blah, blah. But I was, like, enthralled. Where did you get this information? What kind of research did you open? You are elevating and inspiring, which in turn turns the table. You bring that person into confidence and you're showing a person. Not only are you confident in your own abilities, you're confident to sink the energy and information from another that's powerful. I want you to practice that I want you to practice asking those transparent questions, giving those transparent compliments to another person. Whether it's your own Children, whether it's your mother, father, uncle, aunt, best friends, people in the workforce, You may be part of different organizations. I want you to practice delivering that. You gotta find your confidence that was gonna be elevated because people will start looking at you differently. And that's something they started looking at you differently. That means they're paying 30. You're changing. You're becoming this person that one way or another whether you like me or not, I'm comfortable in both spaces. Now, you know, with age comes a lot of confidence to We've had a lot of things going on. And that 63 I can tell you I walk in a room, and even if I'm not even supposed to be there, I just want to be there. It was that. Oh, do you have an invitation here? Transpire. I don't have to lie my way to get into a place. I'm transparent. You're either gonna let me in or you're not. But I'm confident enough to ask right away. Oh, I'm not to stay. This is such an interesting conversation. Is it possible? Then you have an extra pass for me to come into this conference. Oh, the conference fees were, you know, $600 if you registered by Thursday. Okay. What do you have in, you know, some type of discount that I can help take it for one hour or have a day pass? A confident person brings that transparent conversation and the person you're talking to realize Wow, she's not rude. She's very direct. She's very interested. This is impressive on that's what you want to get to. You know, find your seat at the table time finding early and often, and then take it and believe me when you're in your twenties and you're trying to grow that confidence level, sometimes it takes time. Sometimes not. You're just a power or force to be reckoned with. Early on, that's beautiful. But for those of us who need that that practice that mo mentum, that throwing ourselves out there, putting ourselves out there, those conversations giving those compliments, being transparent, elevating, energizing, inspiring that takes practice. But it's a skill set you can learn and you're learning it now. We'll see you next, lecture 14. The Incredible Strength Of Purposeful Small Talk: So I'm Thomasina. Welcome back. Okay. This lecture, the incredible strength of purposeful small talk. I know that's a mouthful, but again, confident people, they do not ramble. They don't everything they say you can tell. It's seems as though it's been pretty well thought out saying they are confident on what's coming out of their mouth. They are confident and purposeful in the way that they walk. That's the whole idea with confidence. Even when you're not talking, people can see by your structure your stance, you're confident person. Okay, let's talk about that small talk now. And earlier lectures I made reference to the fact that some point during this course we're gonna get to the whole communication being the actual small talk, the things that create that aura of confidence. We're here now. Okay, I have notes today because I'm gonna be ensuring cover. Okay? Whether it's in your personal life, your business life or your social life, we all have a tendency to do the same thing when we see people, whether on the phone semen person. Hey, how are you? It seems like it's something you have to say because we want to be polite okay. Millions of people do it. This course is about confidence, Okay? And the confident person doesn't just do the broad stroke. They don't. A confident person is the person that inspires. So when they have small talk, it's very personal. Personable one. And it's very purposeful. That's the main thing to It's purposeful, for example, and I'm gonna read my notes. Okay, let's take This is an example. When you see your Children after school each day when you see your Children, you say, Oh, hey, how was your day? You know, we all do. How about this? Hey, was the best part of your day today. That's a whole different level. Not only have you engaged your child, your child is now looking at you. You're like, uh, well, the best part of my day now actually have to communicate. Well, yeah. Now you get the idea. Versus how's your day? Good. Gone. Now, What was the best part of your day now? A colleague at work. What projects are you working? Hey, um, Karen. How's it going? Fine. She's gone. Hey, Karen, What's been the best part of your week? I'm working on this project. What is their brothers you're working on? No, Que is going to stop. And she's got Look at you. You have now commanded the situation, which is a sign of confidence and strength. Another example. Hey, Jonathan, you know how's that project going that you're working out? What a great idea is the energy of you, you know, put into that project lately, I want to learn from them. Confident person, remember, elevates and inspires a confident person. Bring that other person up, Up, up, up, up. Now you're asking somebody for ideas because you're seeking energy. Look at those words, Energy. You're sinking energy. I don't know that. Another one. Tell me something inspired you recently. I got kind of a writer's block. You're talking to a friend who is an entrepreneur. Maybe they're opening a restaurant. Maybe they're starting in your business. You know, you can give him a call. Hey, just checking up on you. Don't say how's it going? You answer. Boom. No. Hey, Bonnie. I'm checking up on you. What kind of inspiration then you come up with this week? Now you've opened the door. You're elevating. You're motivating your inspiring. That's what confident people do. So I want you to start thinking about purposeful, small talk. It's powerful and give you strength, and it suddenly gives the other person strength. Think about the questions you're asking. Really? Closed in. How? Today? Good clothes. Okay, tell me the best part about your day open. They got a dog. Hey, how you feeling? Good. Hey, how's it going? It's allergy seasons. Do you suffer many allergies or you know, I'm feeling great. Likely any good exercise classes? You can recommend something about taking yoga, taking yoga before open, purposeful smalls talk and steals confidence and ovens that maybe many people don't even ask him. These types of questions open questions to give them an opportunity to speak and elevate. So that's mostly when I want to remember from this section. I love it because again it requires you to be present everything in the way that you're communicating, walking, talking, holding yourself, you know, projecting yourself and more important, your elevating and inspiring other people around you, which not only leads to develop your confidence, but it developed the confidence of other people, becomes his wonderful two way street. Okay, See, in the next class 15. How To Deal With An Intimidating Person: good afternoon. Good. You taking this grass in the evening and welcome back to self confidence. It's in there. Um, is it in that? Are you finding it? Yeah, well, it's in there. You just have to keep drilling deeper. Drilling deeper. Alright, This lecture, how to deal with that intimidating person? You come across well again. Think about the word intimidating. Are they intimidating to you? Are they intimidating to everyone in the room? We're just you. It's two different things. If they are intimidating to everyone in the room, then that's a bully. That is a bully, and I don't care how much confidence you have. Oh, bully is a bully. They can destroy you. They can destroy what little confidence you have or what grind big confidence you have. That's different. Now let's talk about the intimidating person in the room that's only intimidating to you. Everybody else seems perfectly comfortable with the personality because their confidence levels, the person is delivering what they need to delivering deliver. I assume it's in a business setting that this person is intimidating. Maybe it's in your workplace. Maybe it's it's it's not. Maybe it's somebody in your house. Maybe It's your mother. Very intimidating, not just with you, but with all of your siblings. Okay, she's a bully if she's intimidating you and all of your siblings. But if she's just intimidating you and your siblings are perfectly comfortable with your mother or your father's communication style, verbal and non verbal, then you need to think about what happened again. Early messages. What happened that you're the only sibling that's intimidated by your mother or intimidated by your father? Or if you're the only person in the room at that meeting, you're the only one intimidated by that boss that you have that's talking to everyone. If you are the Onley one, then you gotta work on you. If everybody else in the room is intimidated, then it's not just you, Okay? Even the most high self esteem and high confidence person in that room is intimidated by that person again. I say it again, and now you're dealing with a bully. That's another whole class. Another hole course, another whole conversation. For purposes of this lecture, you are the only one who is feeling intimidated by those messages. What can you say and do? Okay, it's pretty powerful intimidating people. They work you. They work, you hear they work you in your heart, they work your entire physical persona. That's what intimidating people do. They make you frightened. They make you unsure. They make you question everything about who you are and what you've done and what you're trying to do. All you're good just gets wiped away. They don't remember anything good about you. That's an intimidating person. And when you're dealing with an intimidating person, believe me, it's gonna take every ounce of confidence. You have to get yourself out of that scenario. So the first thing I want to tell you is you gotta neutralize this person quick. And how do you neutralize an intimidating person? Well, again, we don't have the Taser. That's great. But no, I'm just kidding. How do you neutralize an intimidating person? You must look them directing the eye. It becomes a stare down. A confident person could do that. They can stare down the intimidation, weaken, stare it down. They can beat it down. That words, they beat it down. I've done it. Many people have done it. When you run into a bully on intimidating person, you've got to beat them down with the look. You can't need to always use the mouth, but you gotta be them down with the look and the and the brain there. That's how you're going to start. If you cannot get through to that intimidating person with your own physical, nonverbal communications, now you're gonna go verbal on them. And the way you go verbal on an intimidating person is that you make them question and doubt their delivery. When they say something to you that is just out of control, you must respond with something that makes them question and doubt who they are as a person , and you have to chip away at it and chip away at it and chip away at it. It's not easy, but you must create doubt in their mind. You need to neutralize that person. This is the one lecture that I'm talking about. This because it's very important, were all surrounded by people at some point in our lives who are just extremely powerful with the intimidation. You must come up with your neutralization program and then you got okay. Make them question in doubt who they are, what they're doing, what they're saying, and that's gonna take strength from you. And that's gonna take confidence. I told you the story when I was 10 years old. I didn't have the wherewithal. I didn't know how to neutralize my grandmother when she was coming. Me, the lazy one. I didn't know. I don't have the skills. Now, this was today. I would say things to her like I don't understand why you're communicating. Need this this way. Are you trying to elevate yourself? Diminish me! What is going on? That you have the need to diminish me. Come on, take it at him. Okay. You want to be the bully, you wanna be The Intimidator. This is bringing you What confidence This is bringing you What, Joy? Neutralize him with all the worst that you have. Yes, OK. Are you finished talking to me now? Like that. Who was the next victim? Use words that, you know, gonna hurt its powerful from that small talk. Get him, Get him! You gotta neutralize the intimidating person. That's gonna take a powerful amount of confidence. If you're at 012345 level steals self confidence. You're going to really have your work cut out for you. If you're at a higher level, start practicing, practicing. Get your lines together. It's time for you to get it together. So when you are unexpectedly caught off guard by intimidating person, you know how to come back. And the first line of this defense I'm gonna tell you right now is to find something that may potentially make them feel guilty in front of other people about the way they are delivering the message to you and then in front of other people, you are going to watch their confidence level diminish. You don't mean to do it, but it's a means of survival. With this point, it's either then were you and you do not need to be the sacrificial lamb. It's not necessary. So practice that right. Me. If you need a little scripts, little lines, I have a ton of them. OK, I'll put some of them in the notes, but I want you to do that right. Me if you need a little bit of help because we can neutralize the intimidating person. It's not easy, you know, especially this six football on that coming at you and they just think they run the world. But I don't care who they are. I could neutralize you once I read your nonverbal communication and I hear your verbal communication. I develop in my confident mind what I need to say to you to neutralize you very quickly. Very quickly. You're gonna take your seat, write me, see in the next class. 16. Be On The Lookout For The Backhand Serve : So it's Thomasina and welcome back this like here. Always be prepared for the back end It served Wow. And you know what I'm talking about. Two. I'm talking about that person who loves you. You surround yourself with the people personal, social business. They're the ones that give you the impression that they're supportive, nonjudgmental. And then they serve you those backhanded serves and it burst glance. It sounds like the complimented you. It sounds like, you know, they're trying to elevate and inspire you. I want you listen very carefully to their words and I want you listen very carefully to how it's delivered. And then I want you to look at them and interpret their nonverbal delivery of that backhanded served. I had a good friend like that for many years. I mean 30 years. Our friendship recently ended. Um, I don't even know why I tolerated it as long as I did. I really loved her very, very much. Can she do my family and my Children? She was always part of many things. That and vacations, that we would take many events that we would have 1000. I don't know. I think were all killed to you. Just at some point, I guess I just started feeling sorry for. She was never married, you know. She had no Children. I kept her around. She called, and I don't I don't know. It didn't seem important at the time, But, you know, just over the course of the years, I realized she was constantly serving the backhand it served to make. And that can really weigh on you if you're not protected with your own level of confidence . Now it's interesting. As I reflect on it. I realized I met her in my late twenties thirties, was married to him for two Children, had a great life. I was working on my MBA. It really didn't create a confidence suffering situation for me. But Father, people that might, and the only reason I'm sharing is personal. Very private story with you is because I want you to look around you and see if there's somebody still resting in your life. Still in your life, sitting in your life that is sending you that Skirball back. And it served. It's coming at you 110 miles an hour. You missed that, But guess what? Didn't this What they said still stays in your head. But they said has now impacted how you see yourself. That backhanded served my grandmother the backhanded, sir. I know at some point somebody out there is probably saying, you know, she really needs therapy on that one. No kind of made peace with it, but for the purposes of this course, I need to use that as a reference because that was an adult now 63. I mean, I can now see so much more, more clearly how it affected my confidence when I was a little girl in a cold chubby at that. So I'm just saying, for the purposes of this lecture, in the purpose of this course, I am sharing that intimate part of my life because you may have something going on and Satan with you, it's with someone you love. And that backhanded serve is just tearing you up. So I'm have any classes you take. How many? How many self affirmations you chant? You're not getting past it. That back and it's served is nailing you. So I want you to take a moment and analyze what's around you. I want you to analyze what's coming at you. I don't want you to have a life for you at the Dodge The servers. Would you have a life with those surge? Don't even a ride when you were able to inspire and elevate and compliment and be confident with yourself, your spouse, your significant other, your parents, your friends, your Children, people in the workplace, a confident person. They have a good life. They do because they have reached the point in their line where they don't care so much about who loves them, who doesn't love them, who likes them. Who doesn't like them, who likes what they say. Who doesn't like what they said. A confident person is walking around. Be careful. Confidence, arrogance, Narcissists. No confident. Stay right there. Don't elevated to arrogance or narcissism. No, no, no, Just confident. Collins. You confidence in your abilities. Compliments in what you represent. That's what I want you to get from this. So look out with that backhanded serves because they can destroy your confidence can effectively destroy your life. Don't let it happen. See you next class 17. Eliminate Negative Toxic People: What's Thomasina? Welcome back to your self confidence course, and I hope you're feeling great. I'm certainly having a good time. Um, creating this course and giving you what I've got inside of me regarding self confidence. Uh, today's class, um, we've heard it before. It's almost like, you know, ah, step program, you know, like step one, get rid of toxic and negative people. Well, yeah, but you know what? Sometimes we can't sometimes the doctor, the negative people are in her house under our roof. How do you get rid of them? You can't eliminate toxic and negative people. You can distance yourself from them in your workplace. You can get rid of them by leaving, but you're not gonna quit your job. You certainly have options if you belong to a certain club or you go to a certain gym. And there's a lot of toxic and negative people in your yoga Pallotti's class, which I can't imagine. But it might be Yes, you can quit that. But what if the toxic and negativity is coming from family members you live with every day ? You must interface with them. You can't get rid of them. So again, remember the lecture on the intimidating person? Yeah, You gotta use the same neutralizing or days er on toxic and negative people. You gotta Taysom una Taysom nonverbally. And you got a day them verbally. You gotta figure out your script. You gotta figure it out in the whole firm on it. Because the only way that you're gonna successively be able to keep your confidence level intact when you are forced to continue to live with a toxic and negative person. It's the taste room with your nondurable and verbal communication abilities. So it's time to start working on those again. It's time Start digging deep. This is not about screaming and yelling and demanding. People respect you. It's not gonna work. Toxic and negative People truly own narcissistic people. They only think for themselves. They only, you know, just think about what's best for them. So all of your incredible screening and energy wasting stuff, it's gonna fall on deaf ears. It's just gonna make this situation worse. So it's better you come up with more. You know, this grid and effective neutralising no verbal and verbal communication skills to deal with that, you know, you're almost gonna have to be. Cooper. I included this lecture in the course because I really feel that when people lack confidence, there's a good reason for it. And that reason sometimes lives with you every single day. So you don't stand a chance. You were being get down every day with someone telling you you can't do this. And if you don't get an A on this report, you with this or you are not going to be able to get this job or you are worthless or you know what reason why are you even on this earth? Can you imagine telling someone that? Why are you on this earth? You have done nothing spectacular. You have done nothing that has made this world better because you are here. Guess what? The world is already better. Just because you're here because you're here, the world is better not because you're here. The world is somehow you know is terrible Blaze. But that's the message. A toxic and just negative person is going to try to make you believe you better. Digby. You're gonna need it. This is not something to be toyed with lightly. It will destroy you. I guarantee it It will create. Not just now. Whole level confidence, but no self esteem. Now you're moving down towards depression. This person is just grinding you into the ground. Stop it! Stop it now demanded. Take your seat at the table. Enter the room. A Just your verbal and nonverbal communication expressions and skill sets. I know you're gonna need help. That's why I'm here. Please, please write me. I know you. Probably This lecture is appealing to you than that means that you were in a tough situation. It's gonna take a lot for you to get that self confidence back or to keep it from being firmer. Eroded. So I'm here? No. And then a shrink. No, this is that my, you know, professional field. But sometimes we need somebody to talk to. We need some kind of anchor to get through that craziness. And sometimes it's a stranger sometimes. So let me know what you're going through. Do the best you can with toxic and negative people. First opportunity you get Get out of there because your life depends on it. Thank you for listening. See you next class. 18. Creating A Desired State Of Being: Hello, it's Thomasina. Welcome back to self confidence. It's in there, um, this lecture creating a desired state of being well, doesn't that sound, then creating a desired state of being? Yeah, sometimes you gotta put yourself in that box. You know, some of us have the luxury of having magnificent homes and having meditation rooms, most of us down. We have closets, you know, and I use my closet to create that desired state of being. And it's quiet. It's dark. I can think. I can imagine. I can visualize how I want to feel where I want to be. I can focus on my current life situation and then project on where I needed to be. This doesn't come overnight. You must start learning what it takes for you to create your desired state of being. Is it that 10 minutes in the morning in the mirror? Five minutes. The rain minutes. Is it doing that? Yoga stance isn't just sitting quietly reading your religious bible or other you know, instrument dedicated to growing you as a spiritual person. How are you going to create your desired state of being? You got to three kids that's gonna be getting up in little while screaming and bulla. Nansha, I've been there. How did I create my desired state of being? Well, sometimes you have to do the obvious. Get up a little earlier in the morning. You take that 15 minutes, 20 minutes with 30 minutes and you put it together, put it together. Maybe you don't have the luxury of doing that. Maybe it is to come on the back end of your day before you go to bed. But you take that 10 15 20 minutes after that house is quiet and you put together your desired state of being. Your chance, your affirmations. I know it sounds were but believe me, the loops that we here are the loops that we believe create your own loop. Do not let someone create your look for you. Put your own soundtrack here. Between here, create your own playlist Between here and then you create your desire state of being. If you are in a difficult situation that is truly traumatized, your level of confidence you gotta figure out a way whether it be dramatic way, baby, you have to leave a situation. Maybe you have just the situation personally, professionally at work at home. But one way or another, you need to figure out a way to create your this higher state of being starting to be easy . Some of us got it good. Most of us don't. What are you gonna do? I've said it before. Your life depends on it. Sounds dramatic. But your life you got one. It depends on it, I think. Best way for you to complete your desired state of me. Okay? It's important. Write me. We need ideas or inspiration. I want to elevate and I want to inspire. That's it. See you soon. 19. Visualize: Welcome back. You saw the title of this lecture. Visualize. I know again sounds very Zen and wound. But some of the greatest minds in the world Some of the greatest painters, some of the greatest mathematicians, some of the greatest leaders of our time, some of the greatest CEOs of companies. We admire some of the very people who walk in and out of our lives that we say, Ah, they always have this breath of fresh air and confidence. Guess what they do every day. The visual. They visualize what it is. They want what it is they're trying to do. And how are they going to get there? It's a bad if you can sit, you're not going, but leave it and you're not gonna be it. It's just a fact. Short personal story. It's actually a long personal story. But, you know, I was married 20 years. I've been divorced. 17 when I was married. Yeah, I thought it was that whole forever after thing, But the marriage didn't bloated. I have two beautiful Children at the time when I was 15. 16 you know, there was in college. Now they're 31 34 did everybody survive? My son once said to me, Wow, when I found out about your getting divorce, it was all my little almost like being in a car wreck. And then you the ambulance shows up. Fire department shows up. Everybody shows up, and there's blood everywhere. The cars in a 1,000,000 pieces. There's blood everywhere and you look around. There's no bodies to be found. Yeah, yeah, and that was my son's definition of divorce. So we all have dreams the way we want it like to be. But just because you didn't get that one ring doesn't mean you can't have another Have early on. I said to myself When I was in my twenties and I took my first trip to France, I said, Oh loves my retirement years there. It's so beautiful. I'm just a regular chick from upstate New York. I grew up in a very simple middle class family, my father on the small take out place. My mother was a registered nurse. We had a lot of life. Five siblings, four siblings and myself, five Children, mother and a father and my mother's mother, all living in a small house, 1000 square feet. You do the math, but I married and then, you know, just became energized with my life before then after I went to university and got my degree in economics. Then I got my MBA and finance and that I had a chance to see. You know, I was one of these people who took summers to Martha's Vineyard or I spent summers in the Hamptons. You know, I didn't know about life. I spent summers at my grandmother's house in Alabama. That was my life, you know, So you can only imagine as I worked and I raised my Children and then I got married. And then everything uploaded and I thought, Oh, my goodness, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life in this family unit and retire. And I wanted to spend time in France and time in America. Well, that was gone. Now I had to visualize a new life. Well, 17 years later, I never remarried. But even though I'm not married with the person, I thought I'd spend my life with and have my Children and grandchildren with me spending your time. A little bit of France live in America. Guess one. Thomasina is spending time, part of the year in France and part of the year in the United States. I kept my visualization focus. Did I take a hit emotionally ass? That's what divorces, that's what a change of life iss. But did I keep my visualization strong? Yes, I chanted that dream everything. Even when there were days I didn't seem like I could make things come together. I just kept focused and visualized on How am I going to do this? I want to spend part of my life in France and now, at 63 years old, semi retired, I'm living part of my life in France and part of my life in America. My son's in New York donors in California, I called back twice in unison. My babies visualization works. It works whether you're rich or whether you're poor. It works. No matter your religion or your cultural background visualization works. It helps you stay focused on the things that's important. And if you want to grow your confidence, visualize you as a confident person, visualized you in confident situations, visualized you incompetent conversations and visualize you as controlling that part of you that's growing, and I leave you with that visualize. It's not so sin 20. The Private List: okay. Wow. I really had toe decompress after that last lecture on visualize and visualization. You know, it's riel. It's very real. And as you can see him, I get a little excited and get a little emotional about it, because I be like just anchoring myself in. That helped me just get to the point where I am. Okay, self confidence type of that private list. Now you know what I'm talking about. The private list. It's time for you to make a list now of a veins you love about yourself and the things you like about yourself. We're not putting on that list. The things you don't love about yourself and the things you don't like about yourself. That's a loop that now should be eliminated. We don't think in terms of don't I don't think I don't That's just done. That's done. All that does is he rode your self confidence. Make your private list of the things you love about yourself and the things you like about yourself, and then you can determine if you want to elevate the things you like about yourself into the things you love about yourself or you want to leave them right there. It's your choice. But I need that private list written. This is an exercise. You must do it. Okay, You must do it. Now you have it on paper. I want you to take that paper. And I want you to read it to yourself once a day in the morning and again every evening. Read it in the morning and again read it in the evening. I read it in the morning and again in the evening. And I assure you, guess what you're gonna find. You have things that you need to add to that list because you were gonna now discovered mawr things that you love about you and things that you like about you. Then your list is going to grow and grow and grow, and your confidence is going to grow and grow and grow. And all of a sudden, those negative, crazy loops that's been instilled in your mind by people who for some reason, felt they had toe elevate themselves at the expense of you. We'll start to disappear. I guarantee it. Make the list. It's private. It's yours. You don't need to share. You are your own best. friend Make a list. Do the work, I assure you. I Sure your confidence level is going to soar. This is great. See you next class. 21. Find your Purpose: thank you for joining me. This is Thomasina, and we are heading in the home stretch for this course on self confidence. I hope at this point with some lessons and lectures and exercise is that you have taking at least one thing from this. That's what I'm hoping. Today's lecture is on finding your purpose. I know we've heard that before. We've heard people say that all the time finding your purpose. What's your purpose? That's not an easy question. Sometimes, you know, you grow up thinking of purposes. One thing it becomes another thing. It becomes another thing that it becomes another thing. But what's that one thing that stays with you? That one thing that gives you joy. That gives you confidence. You know, when you're good at something really, really good at something, and it's reinforced by what people say to you and share with you, that increases your confidence. So is your purpose. Volunteering in hospitals, libraries teaching a young job? A read I don't know. Is your purpose helping the elderly, helping with recycling, writing stories and essays for magazines shared with the world? I don't know. Is it taking care of animals injured animals, is it? What? Driving someone to the supermarket and doesn't have a car there always taking the bus. I don't know what your purpose is, but you must find that purpose in your life working every day, getting up in the morning, getting dressed, commuting to work. That's not really a purpose. That's a necessity. You got any? You gonna pay those pills? But a purpose is something you are driven to do whether you're paid or not and that purposes would give you joy. And then Choi gives you that confidence and motivation. So I need you to identify a purpose for your life. Why are you here? There's a reason I loved being among I originally thought my purpose was gonna be this captain of industry. I got my undergraduate degree in economics, and then I got my MBA and finance when I was in my twenties and I married in 26. And then I and my son, that 28 and my daughter at 32. And then I realized I don't want to spend my days on conference calls and doing all this stuff. So I turned to my then husband. I said, what do we got to do to get rid of some of its you know, overhead? Because I want to stay home with my Children. I think that's my purpose. And sure enough, I got rid of that car that I was driving. I bought a 10 year old Peugeot. I was living in San Francisco at the time and I said, I'm just gonna buy the low banger clanger car and I stayed on my Children and that was 20 years, Two decades of raising them. They are and still are my purpose. And now that they're older Oh, I take on other people's Children. I have found that I know teaching and mentoring and talking to these babies and sharing what I know and taking in what they know. And it's just incredible. But that's definitely my purpose. It was clear in my twenties that was my purpose. So what is your purpose? I mean, I worked yes, worked for corporate America. I did my thing. You gotta work. You gotta work, you know? And then after my kids grew up, you know, I wanted to really spade. I mean, you gotta work. You got to pay the mortgage gotta pay the bills. That's not your purpose. If you're lucky, will get Maybe you work and your purpose is the same, but normally it isn't. And when you have a strong purpose and you're living that out, you take that 30 minutes, 20 minutes our day. Now you got it. You will find your confidence will soar because you are doing some of the things that feed you. And that's what confidence and it's all about feeding, feeding, feeding your soul. And if your confidence is very, very low, somebody fed you something that was not good for your soul. Now it's typing you to eat other things and drink other things that nurture and help you grow, and your confidence will elevate. It will sounds corny, but that's the way it works. So find your purpose. Max allies that passion and purpose and your confidence level it will increase. All will increase your confidence or self esteem, your joy, your peace, your contentment, your total outlook on life and that will shine through. Believe me, it will find your purpose. You probably already know it. It's something you will do within your paint board. Corn the next glass 22. Summary · Invitation: morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. Wherever you are in the world, this is Thomasina Shealy. I am your instructor. And guess what? This is the last lecture. It's the summary on its the invitation. The summary being thank you again for joining me and I truly, truly hope and pray You have taken something away from this class that will now inspire and elevate you and inspire and elevate you to do the same to others. That's one. The second thing is I want to again reiterate the visualization visualizing where it is you want to be what it is you want to be doing. The next thing I want to say is, Come on, you can do this. Your self confidence. Yes. We cannot all be held hostage. The things that took place in our early years, whether it was childhood, whether it was teen years, whether it's in her twenties, if you are still holding on to that Yes. You are a hostage to that. And the people who did that to you, who destroyed yourself? Confidence. Who destroyed yourself? Work destroyed yourself. But stain they are the bullies, the villains of the world. And there's millions of them million's. You gotta find a way to break the hostage chains and get that self confidence back toe where it should have been. Like I said in one of my other lectures is not like little born babies. Newborns are born overly confident. No, but there are personalities that are formed from those 0 to 7 years that predispose those little babies, girls and boys to having these enormous levels of confidence. And then there's the millions of others of the rest of us. When are 0 to 7 years? Not so much confidence was fed. Here was bed here, so confidence is definitely a skill set that can be learned. It could be practiced. It can be learned. Find your space visualize. See where you want to be. Learn the small talk powerful conversations with yourself and with other people that bring you to that level of confidence you want to pay. Your conversations with yourself will grow you your commerce. A switches with other people will grow you or destroy your conversations with yourself can destroy you, too. If you don't fade yourself with the right conversations, create your playlist for him. Create your loop for here buying your place for meditation and then play your planus every day, every day, every day. You know, some people do the affirmations and gratitude. That's beautiful. Some people keep a journal something in the written farm. It does something you chant every day at some point. Yeah, that is going to become internalized. And it's gonna become who you are. Where you chanting? What are you writing in your journal? What are you so distressed about from your pants that it is just created a life off torture with your self esteem? Why are you still dropping your head? Why are you still dropping your eyes? Why do you not have a seat at the table? What happened? When is it gonna end? And how are you going to change it? Your private list? What do you love about yourself? What do you like about yourself? Come on, you know it. Here's an invitation. You know, I told you that I'm semi retired. That part of my year here in the south of France, apart in America, when you take this course and when you're finished this course or while you're just taking some of the lectures, right? Me and let me know if there's ever a time that you might find yourself somewhere in France . And during that time you find yourself four hours south of Paris, where I live part of the year, your mobile year and Beijing, three hours from the Spanish border. Three hours from boss alone. Lower south prepares, you gotta pass by me. If you're doing the door, I want you to promise me you will contact me so that we can meet in a cafe. And we can talk more about how you're doing and how that self confidence is coming. Because I'm thinking if I see you here in France, that means that not only did yourself in companies get to the point, your self confidence got to the point and grew to the point where you were able to mobilize where you were in life and start doing the things that you've been held back from. Doing self confidence can destroy your family. Well, those of confidence can destroy your job almost off coffins condensed Roy, your life put the work in, get it done. And like I said, the lunch is on me when I see you. So please I look forward to meeting you and I always get so excited when students write me and they tell me there on our way or 30 minutes away and I'm just there. I love me my stools and hearing your story. And I hope that you will find what you were looking for in this course. And I hope that you will take away the words elevate and inspire for you and for the people around you because you have a responsibility to to grow your self confidence so you can inspire and elevate the people around you as well. It's your responsibility. You can do this. It's in there. Thanks again for joining me, and I hope to see you soon. But at a minimum, I hope you're right. And I will definitely right back. Have a great life.