Narcissism and Inferiority Complex. How to deal with Arrogant, Toxic, Grandiose People? | Nar Mina | Skillshare

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Narcissism and Inferiority Complex. How to deal with Arrogant, Toxic, Grandiose People?

teacher avatar Nar Mina, Wellness and Happiness

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Watch this class and thousands more

Get unlimited access to every class
Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Lessons in This Class

31 Lessons (3h 2m)
    • 1. Introduction

      3:44
    • 2. What is Narcissism?

      5:10
    • 3. Why do People prefer Brand names?

      5:48
    • 4. Different types of Narcissistic People

      7:09
    • 5. Major Problems of Narcissists

      4:29
    • 6. How does Narcissistic person Behave?

      5:07
    • 7. Summary: So what is Narcissism?

      5:17
    • 8. Character traits of Narcissistic people

      4:58
    • 9. People with Exaggerated Feelings of Self Importance

      6:05
    • 10. Why are some people Arrogant and Grandiose?

      4:26
    • 11. Immaturity and Entitlement

      6:53
    • 12. People who humiliate and belittle others

      4:17
    • 13. Boastfulness Vanity and Conceit

      5:48
    • 14. Condescending and Haughty Attitudes

      5:56
    • 15. People who feel entitled to special treatment

      4:56
    • 16. People who are concerned about appearances

      6:42
    • 17. Inferiority complex and Compensation

      6:08
    • 18. Showcasing an Image of Successful person

      5:13
    • 19. Keeping up with the Joneses

      4:58
    • 20. People bragging and showing off. Narcissistic Cultures

      3:54
    • 21. People who are Envious and Contemptuous

      7:16
    • 22. Pretending to be someone you're not

      7:31
    • 23. Are you a Winner or a Loser?

      5:24
    • 24. Do you get easily bored and never finish anything?

      7:56
    • 25. Senior Citizen Narcissism

      5:22
    • 26. How do we become Narcissistic?

      6:18
    • 27. Why do some people become Narcissists?

      7:15
    • 28. What is the Narcissist really insecure about?

      7:28
    • 29. How to Deal with Show Offs and Superior People?

      6:21
    • 30. What to do if Someone degrades you and Puts you down?

      6:18
    • 31. Final thoughts: How to be kind and understanding?

      7:31
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About This Class

21st century can be regarded as the age of narcissism and megalomania. Many people have a need for excessive attention and admiration nowadays. Vanity, high self-regard and self-centered behavior characterize the narcissistic culture. But narcissism isn't just about loving yourself too much. It's about ego-centrism, pomposity and grandiosity. Narcissism is related to  pretentious, insensitive and snobbish attitudes. Narcissistic people are known to be conceited and condescending.

In this course you will learn about high and low self-esteem, and how they are related to narcissism. The lectures are designed to help you understand and deal with narcissism through insight and information. The course will help you identify these characteristics in yourself and try to overcome narcissism in your own behavior. It will also give you strategies to build, fortify, and develop yourself so that you can better deal with people who demonstrate narcissistic traits.

This class is for those who are interested in understanding and solving their psychological problems. It can also be helpful for people who have difficulty with communication.

What you’ll learn from this course:

  1. What is narcissism?
  2. Who are narcissists?
  3. Why are some people arrogant?
  4. Where does arrogance and superiority come from?
  5. How do people become narcissistic?
  6. Hidden narcissists and their characteristics
  7. Symptoms of grandiose narcissism
  8. Narcissistic citizens and cultures
  9. Dealing with superior and arrogant people
  10. How to know if you are a narcissist?
  11. About self-important and obnoxious people
  12. Why do people behave arrogantly?
  13. People who like to display high social status
  14. People who feel envy and contempt
  15. A sense of entitlement about some people
  16. Do you believe that you are superior to others?
  17. People who are concerned about appearances
  18. People who humiliate and degrade others
  19. Anger, rage and maliciousness
  20. Why do some people have overly high self-esteem?
  21. Immature and entitled behavior
  22. Feelings of inferiority
  23. Exaggerated posture of importance
  24. Feelings of bitterness
  25. People who feel entitled to the things they want
  26. Vain, conceited and boastful people
  27. Disdainful and pretentious attitude
  28. Mean, destructive and vicious people
  29. Condescending and haughty behaviors
  30. Pretending to be someone you are not
  31. Our true self and false self
  32. Do you think you’re special and better than others?
  33. Those who showcase the image of successful person
  34. Inner life of a narcissist. What do they really feel?
  35. Compensating for feelings of inferiority
  36. Bragging and showing off
  37. The antidote to narcissism
  38. How to deal with the narcissist?
  39. People who have low self-esteem / low self-regard
  40. How to behave with a narcissist?
  41. Why do they need to denigrate other people?
  42. How to overcome narcissism in yourself
  43. How to deal with vanity?
  44. Why are we easily bored and never finish anything?
  45. Why are some people so toxic and mean?
  46. Emotionally immature people
  47. Materialistic individuals and their self-image
  48. How to respond to denigration from others?

Meet Your Teacher

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Nar Mina

Wellness and Happiness

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Transcripts

1. Introduction: Have you ever encountered anyone whose behavior or attitudes are similar to the following, arrogant vain and haughty exaggerates accomplishments, makes obvious plays for attention or admiration, gets easily slighted? Tends to misinterpret innocent remarks as put downs, makes contemptuous remarks about other people behind their backs, ridicules you and makes you feel bad about yourself. Initiates grand projects, but can't follow through, dominates conversation and frequently interrupts others. Believes he is superior to you and others, gets bored easily. Narcissists are pompous, snobbish and pretentious, they believe they are special and better than everyone else, that they deserve special treatment if you are a waitress. They will make sure that you wait only on them and ignore other customers. Narcissistic people feel entitled to have what they want when they wanted, just because they want it. Though these people seem self-confident, sometimes with a saccharine wit they can so quickly pull the rug out from under you, reducing you to shame, tears or boredom. Narcissist wants to be the prettiest, smartest and most talented. She steps onto others to get ahead or to get her own needs met. The arrogance and haughty behavior are evident in how she interacts with others and flaunts her accomplishments. This course is designed to help you to deal with narcissists. through insight and information. It will give you strategies to build, fortify and to develop yourself and better deal with people who demonstrate narcissistic traits. It will also help you identify these characteristics in yourself and try to overcome narcissism in your own behavior...." 2. What is Narcissism?: Calling someone a narcissist is a popular insult today, narcissist is often experienced by others as obnoxious, grandiose and selfish His immense arrogance, His belief that he possesses great intelligence and celebrity and his degradation of the mere mortals who inhabit the planet make him insufferable. Narcissists often make a good first impression. But soon others regard them as arrogant and snobbish. Because of their seeming calm and confident nature. They have a carefree mood and a positive outlook. Enjoying an unusually relaxed appearance. They also lack emotionally warm, caring and loving relationships with other people. This is a main difference between a narcissist and someone really high in self-esteem. The high self-esteem person who is not narcissistic values relationships, but the narcissist does not. There are two main types of narcissists, the grandiose-exhibitionist and vulnerable-sensitive, the grandiose exhibitionist is sociable, self-centered, exploitive, assertive, arrogant and attention seeking. The vulnerable, sensitive is worrisome, emotional, introverted, defensive and tense. A person with a grandiose sense of self, believes herself to be unique and destined for greatness. She would feel entitled to special treatment coming across as arrogant or haughty and expect others to admire her. She envies people for the simple reason that they possess what she wants. Vulnerable narcissists tend to see others as more attractive, more capable, more everything than they are. They are certain that they are especially uniquely defective, that while other people may occasionally make mistakes, it is only they, whose mistakes are unforgivable. When she has difficulty coping, vulnerable narcissist is usually certain that anyone else in a similar situation would have done it much better. Narcissists have a sense of dissatisfaction with themselves and their relationships. They have fragile self-esteem that would experience great injury if they sense a hint of derision or disapproval from people. Classical narcissist is the type of person who believes wholeheartedly in his own superiority, showing disdain and boredom with others. Their interests or the world at large. It's easy to write off a difficult person as bad, broken or evil, but doing so just doesn't get anyone very far. Instead, it is necessary to put yourself in that person's shoes and to try to understand what lies behind his behavior...." 3. Why do People prefer Brand names?: Narcissism causes aggression, lack of caring for others and shallow values. It is related to materialism, the desire for material possessions, wealth or fame. Materialistic individuals are particularly likely to purchase high prestige products for appearance and status concerns. Many individuals will buy fast, expensive cars, for example, or buy into an image. They buy a car to improve their self-image. Narcissistic people have preference for brand names, symbolic products are flashy and expensive, like designer clothes, expensive jewelry, top range cars, rare antiques, whereas utilitarian products are common, practical and affordable. Narcissists opt for symbolic products as a way of proving that they are up to date on the ball and know what's in. They want to show that they are fashionistas always aware of the latest label, yet they are relatively unhappy. Narcissists strive to boost their self-regard by giving off impressions of themselves, a successful special and superior Brand names provide a platform through which narcissists shine, announcing their uniqueness, haughtiness and dominance to the world. Narcissism causes increase in plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures, people spending more than they earn and racking up huge amounts of debt, the growing size of houses. The increasing popularity of giving children unique names, the importance of being rich and famous and the growing number of people who cheat. Narcissists might brag about their achievements, value material goods that display status, constantly turn the conversation back to themselves. Surround themselves with people who look up to them, seek out trophy partners, who make them look good. Many of us believe that appearance is important, and we often go to great lengths to present a favorable appearance, we want to look younger, more beautiful, more stylish. This preoccupation with appearance is so much a part of our way of living, that we may regard a person who neglects her appearance as being emotionally disturbed. But there is a distinction between a healthy concern for your appearance and concern for your image, which is characteristic of narcissism. Narcissists need to feel that they are wealthier, more popular, better looking or more admired than other people. Victory in competition supports their inflated sense of self They are The winners who prove themselves superior to the losers, and they need to go on proving it again and again. For Narcissists, there are only two classes of people: those who are on top and those who are below. They typically divided the world into famous reach and great people on the one hand, and the despicable, worthless mediocrity on the other. They are afraid of not belonging to the first group and belonging instead to the mediocre...." 4. Different types of Narcissistic People: There are two main types of narcissists, thick skinned and thin skinned, Overt and covert, oblivious and hyper vigilant, exhibitionistic and closet. Grandiose and vulnerable. Grandiose narcissism is associated with exhibition and aggression. While the covert narcissism is related to anxiety and introversion The classical narcissist is an arrogant and demanding individual with a need for being the center of attention. He acts with no concern for how his actions are affecting others His dialogues tend to be thoroughly self-promoting, he is often boasting about his accomplishments and attributes, grandiose narcissists are arrogant, dominating and manipulative. they are confident, outgoing and charming, but are also vain and aggressive They view themselves as superior to others, classical narcissists overestimate their intelligence And prefer the company of powerful and popular people The vulnerable or hypervigilant individual is thin skinned in that she is always perceiving slights in the comments of others. This subtype of narcissists may explode in emotional outbursts when feeling wounded. by contrast, the grandiose type is more oblivious to what is going on with others and sees those around him as potential audience members who may give him the admiration he needs. Fragile or vulnerable subtype is shy, sensitive and desperate to avoid being the center of attention, she is hypersensitive to the reactions of others and has a tendency to interpret criticism in every gesture. She's suffering from feelings of unhappiness and inferiority. Classical narcissist successfully ignores the criticism. The covert narcissist, however, maintains her self-esteem by avoiding situations in which she would be under the scrutiny of others when in the presence of others, the covert narcissist carefully considers how she should behave in order to avoid being embarrassed Two types of narcissists represent two sides of the same coin. It can be helpful to think about grandiose and vulnerable narcissism as gradation. Grandiose narcissism is at one end of scale and vulnerable is at the other. A person can be anywhere along the line in between, they can even move back and forth. Vulnerable narcissism is associated with negative emotions, anxiety, shame, low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority, egocentric and hostile interpersonal behaviors, vulnerable narcissist is introverted and emotionally unstable. She feels that she is undeserving and inferior to others, unworthy, unlikable, someone to scorn and dismiss, she displays extreme shyness, is publicly modest, is internally highly moralistic and critical of others. She is a perfectionist when she fails she believes that she is imperfect, useless and worthless, a good-for-nothing, half baked creature. Narcissists are either intellectual or physical. The intellectual narcissist is likely to emphasize her skills, talents and accomplishments, intelligence or academic achievements to get attention and admiration. Physical narcissist derives his sense of self-worth from bodybuilding, athletic achievements, physical exercise, physical or sexual prowess or romantic conquests. There are other subtypes of narcissism, these are Know-It-Alls, perfectionists, snobs, elitists, celebrity narcissists, bullies, seducers and heartbreakers. Prince Charmings and Ice Queens. These types of people might be name droppers peppering conversation with references to popular or influential people you don't personally know. She might make casual mention of the exotic places she has visited where you have never been, or mention parties she attended to, which you obviously were not invited. She might talk about her visit to the latest trendy restaurant or club, insisting that you go there on her recommendation, she often comes across as snob. She always tries to raise herself above others to prove that her exclusive familiarity with people, places or trends make her superior to her audience. When people try so hard to demonstrate their superiority, they usually feel quite differently about themselves on another level and to want to keep their feelings hidden, the person pretends to be more than he truly is. The Know-It-Alls often struggle with unconscious sense of defect, inferiority or shame. if you ever get to know them well, you often find lurking insecurities and self-doubt. Though he may come across as snobby, condescending, or contemptuous, he fears exposure as a fraud He appears to believe that he knows it all, but he fears that he actually knows nothing of real worth. 5. Major Problems of Narcissists: Narcissists often appear to have high self-esteem. They may sometimes appear indifferent to the opinions of other people, but in fact, they always care deeply about how they are seen. They can't tolerate even the smallest criticism and may launch an aggressive attack against the person who criticizes them. Narcissists think that they are better than others in social status, good looks, intelligence and creativity. In reality, narcissists are just like everyone else, yet they see themselves as fundamentally superior. They are special, entitled and unique. So the narcissist is uniqueness is bestowed upon him, not by virtue of his achievements, but merely because he exists. Narcissist may appear arrogant or haughty, as if to say no shame here. He tries hard to come across as a winner and prove that somebody else, quite possibly you, is the shame ridden loser Instead of acknowledging the unconscious shame he feels. As well as his envy for other successful people, he persuades himself that it is actually those others who feel the envy. The arrogance is common to narcissistic people, regardless of their lack of achievement or low self-esteem, on the surface, narcissists appear to have high self-esteem, but they never achieve real goals, dreams and ambitions. They care more about being admired than being loved. Narcissists are the children of parents who demanded perfection. They persecute themselves for even the slightest deviations from perfection. . To be a Narcissist, is to be convinced of a great, inevitable personal destiny, the narcissist is obsessed with fantasies of ideal, everlasting, all conquering love or passion. She's preoccupied with the authoring or painting of the greatest work of art, the founding of a new school of thought, the attainment of fabulous wealth and so on. He never sets realistic goals to himself. He's forever preoccupied with fantasies of uniqueness, record-breaking or breathtaking achievements. He talks of finding a perfect job, giving a perfect performance or finding a perfect mate.... 6. How does Narcissistic person Behave?: Narcissists consistently hide their insecurities So that no one can hurt, humiliate or use them. Narcissists inability to love human beings transforms him into a recluse He protects his independence. He can't be needy. Too much interpersonal involvement would mean dependence and dependence is a weakness, narcissists thus prefer to remain above the need for relationships. His mission is one of sovereign self-reliance. "I will need no one" and "you owe me" - are the mantras of the narcissist. It is possible that the narcissist's parent may have been overly involved in making the child's life as pain free as possible. Instead of teaching and encouraging the child to develop age appropriate skills for managing tasks and social interactions, his parents may have done everything for him. As a result, he was robbed of a sense of personal competence and learned instead that he was dependent and helpless. He may have grown up feeling entitled to have others take care of everything so he wouldn't have to face dealing with frustration or a potential humiliation of making a bad decision. Narcissists are self-proclaimed shining stars and we are expected to watch and admire. For them, the rest of us are simply worker bees. Other people in their lives frequently come to feel as though they are possessions of such individuals, existing to be used and exploited. They destroy relationships with friends and family, keep others at a distance, take advantage of others and break down other's self-worth. This is all done in an effort to impress the world with superficial signs of success. Narcissists may take advantage of other people's kindness and generosity by freeloading. They may overstay their welcome take more than their fair share. Or fill their pockets with free samples, they may engage in illegal downloading, pressure. Friends and family into hosting events or paying for meals. Narcissists often feel that they don't need to obey the same rules or laws as everyone else. Some people habitually drive over the speed limit because they feel they are better drivers than everyone else. Others may do so because they prioritize their urgency over other people's safety. It’s not that narcissists make conscious choices to throw others under the bus; Simply, the need to win outweighs all other considerations. They cheat in games or go for the jugular in relationship arguments by saying or doing things that feel cruel. When narcissists are in positions of authority, they can coerce people into showing gratuitous displays of respect or punish an employee for expressing opinions they don't like. Narcissistic parents exert pressure on their children to think and act like them rather than develop their own personalities and interests, the narcissist is on a constant quest for first place in the race. He needs no one and only has himself to count on. His personal longings and hardships are well concealed beneath a cloak of success and power. The aloofness, the disdain, the constricted sense of humor, Make the narcissist, a social misfit, she can provoke strong feelings of hatred and revulsion in others. People feel ill at ease in the presence of a narcissist for no apparent reason. No matter how charming, intelligent, easygoing the narcissist is, she fails to receive the sympathy of others. Everyone exhibits narcissism from time to time. Nobody is perfect. Occasionally, all people are prideful, envious and sometimes lack empathy. When you think about narcissism, it is helpful to think about a continuum of traits such as thermometer rather than a polarity such as an on off switch. Problems arise when a person is too high on the narcissism scale. 7. Summary: So what is Narcissism?: Contrary to popular belief, narcissists do not love themselves or anyone else. In Greek myth, arrogant Narcissus was tricked by a spirit into falling in love with his own reflection. He never realized it was in love was a reflection, not a real person, He died attempting to obtain perfection. Narcissus, though physically beautiful and desired by many, remains aloof. He's loved and admired, but he does not love or admire. In return. He was not in love with himself, but with his image, narcissism is a form of image love or ego love. A true narcissist doesn't really love herself. Rather, she suffers from a lack of an authentic self. She believes she must be beautiful, smart, talented and admired. Narcissists are often high achieving individuals, they have a constant need to prove themselves, to gain love and to compensate for the lack of it in their childhood. As children, they had to present an image of perfection, beauty and success. As a result, they wear the mask of a false self, afraid others will perceive their feelings of inferiority and defectiveness. Narcissists replace an unacceptable self with an acceptable facade, the image becomes all important. The person now admires the image he projects and like Narcissus, falls in love with it. This love is not self-love, With the facade, the person has rejected his true self His real, authentic self is unacceptable to him. Narcissist cannot accept his true personality, he constructs instead a mask that hides emotional numbers. He often suffers from inner emptiness, a deep sense of frustration and unfulfillment. Many narcissists are quite successful in their work, but there is a split between the way they perform in the world and what goes on inside N-stic women are likely to idealize their romantic partners and are more likely to be shy. They tend to express narcissistic traits, mostly within the domains of personal appearance or vanity, the status of their children or household, and their value as caregivers. They are likely to show up as martyrs, whiners and victims. The basic disturbance in narcissists is the denial of feeling they minimize their feelings, aiming to be "cool". Vulnerable narcissists are extraordinarily insecure about their capacity to love and to be loved and and are frantic in their search for others who will admire them, be impressed by them, validate their specialness, who will never shame them or humiliate them. They tend to go through life disappointed because what they seek cannot to be found in a world of imperfect, ambivalent relationships. There is no pill to make narcissism go away, and it tends to grow worse with age at its most malignant. It is not even particularly treatable because to benefit from the psychotherapy, the narcissist first has to accept that there is something defective about her, and that is precisely what she cannot do. Narcissism isn't about loving yourself too much, it's about not having much of an authentic self to love. Narcissus is in love with his reflection, He, who loves only impressions, is incapable of loving people, himself included, the narcissist is preoccupied with projecting a lovable image. Selfishness, arrogance and entitlement act as armor, protecting the vulnerable and fragile narcissist. By learning to see past this shield, you can learn how to deal with that person.... 8. Character traits of Narcissistic people: The narcissist tends to be more concerned with how she appears than what she feels, she experiences life as empty and meaningless. She lacks empathy, the ability to put herself in other people's shoes. He does not recognize boundaries, personal or legal. His time is more valuable than others, therefore, it cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as small talk or going out for a walk. The narcissist is dead serious about himself. He may possess a subtle sense of humor, be scathing and cynical, but he is not self-deprecating. He Cannot tolerate even a hint of criticism and a disagreement. Some narcissists have the delusion that they are being mocked or discussed when they are not present. The narcissist does not feel empathy for others. She makes connections with other people for only one purpose, to get the attention and admiration. It can be anything from praise or compliment to emotional reaction to her behavior. She needs attention because she suffers from perpetual boredom, emotional shallowness and the inability to authentically connect to others. Narcissist actually longs for a deeper connection, but he cannot comprehend or accept this need for him, the idea of an emotionally intimate connection is weak and pathetic, so he can only seek your attention through a charming yet unnerving behaviors. The narcissistic person speaks as if he's superior to others, whether in terms of looks, intelligence or accomplishments. He expects special attention from almost everyone or acts as though the rules don't apply to him. She interrupts others when they are speaking, assuming that her words are of much greater importance. She's prone to temper tantrums or avoidance when she can't figure something out or things don't go her way. He speaks in long winded monologues and views himself as an expert on everything. She's constantly fishing for compliments, recognition and favors, feels insecure and inadequate. She often feels that people are trying to hurt, humiliate or take advantage of her. She attacks you physically or verbally when frustrated or hurt. Another indicator of a narcissistic personality, is the need to convince both himself and others of his perfection or general lack of weakness, such individuals often project a persona that is quite the opposite of what is felt internally. They need to be praised and acknowledged before they are given even the smallest piece of constructive criticism. . Non-narcissistic people wish to connect to others on a deep emotional level, narcissist fear and are disgusted by intimacy because intimacy would expose their true self. Rather than the false self they project.... 9. People with Exaggerated Feelings of Self Importance: A grandiose sense of self-importance shows itself in talking down to people bragging about your own accomplishments or consistently putting yourself first, you cut in line, interrupt or talk over others in a conversation, or always try to one-up other people’s experiences and accomplishments. Grandiosity is a shield that protects us from deep feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and shame. Like dropping sandbags off the side of a hot air balloon, narcissists elevate their own egos by offloading their insecurities onto those around them, the narcissist soars into the sky while others are left holding the dead weight. You feel bad so that the narcissist can feel good. Vulnerable narcissists, instead of feeling that they are better than everyone else, feel that they should be better than everyone else. Vulnerable narcissists are notorious perfectionists, which is merely a disguised form of personal exceptionalism, the belief that one is capable of perfection is actually grandiose. Grandiose narcissists are grandiose because they secretly feel inadequate. Vulnerable narcissists feel inadequate because they are secretly grandiose. In an effort to not feel his awkwardness in a social setting, narcissist will complain of being bored. Or will launch into one of his bragging monologues on some piece of esoteric wisdom. Eventually he will appear not only awkward but rude and obnoxious as well. Narcissists sometimes boast or brag about their accomplishments, whether real or imagined, in an attempt to feel important. Some narcissists wish to be perceived as confident and in control, they invest a great deal in their public image. For these individuals, impressive displays of material wealth and power—such as sports car or elegant mansion, are all calculated to induce awe and admiration in the Observer. Narcissist has an inflated view of his own talent and importance, primadonnas never share the spotlight. They make unreasonable demands of others and expect others to gratify and flatter them. Narcissists act like primadonnas when they order food servers around, expect special consideration at social gatherings or fly into a rage when minor things go wrong. Narcissists are often inconsiderate of other people. They don't take other people's comfort into account. In conversation, they may not ask how others are doing or express curiosity about what is happening in other people's lives. They may consistently steer the topic back to themselves and their experiences, even when it is inappropriate. Besides, they express their opinions in a way that is more about the display than the message. Narcissist often has unreasonably high standards when people fail to meet those standards, grandiose narcissist may become critical, even abusive. Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, often have unreasonably high standards for themselves. They may consider themselves capable of greatness, fame or fortune and may feel depressed and ashamed for not living up to their own high standards. It is hard to admit being wrong. Nobody likes to accept defeat. It can be embarrassing and uncomfortable. Nevertheless, most people know that you can't always be right. Grandiose narcissist cannot bear feelings of shame and humiliation. So they convince themselves that they are always right. Even when the errors are pointed out to them, they may engage in complicated rationalizations to avoid admitting they were wrong. They may also blame others for their own mistakes, genuinely believing that they were in the right the whole time. When you try to change someone's negative behavior by treating them negatively, you only escalate an already bad situation, narcissist often feels that she has done nothing wrong in the first place. Your negative reaction actually reinforces the narcissist's idea of being a victim. In the case of grandiose narcissists, your negative attitude will likely result in narcissistic rage or dismissive behavior, vulnerable narcissists are often more likely to become depressed, anxious or withdrawn. Instead of fueling the negative situation, it is more helpful to defuse or deescalate the situation using your knowledge of narcissism underneath his grandiosity, narcissist feels insecure. He feels he must constantly mention his past successes because he is secretly insecure about not being good enough. He's too preoccupied with himself to see the effects of his behavior on others.... 10. Why are some people Arrogant and Grandiose?: Narcissist protects himself from his true feelings of emptiness, shame and isolation by building a shield of grandiosity that protects him from those feelings, at one moment he can be feeling a defective, vulnerable and worthless. In the next moment, he can reinflate himself with grandiose fantasies and be entirely emotionally disengaged from the feelings of a moment before. He shies away from intimate contact with others that would involve himself because any experience of his real self would mean the painful experience of feeling unlovable and worthless. He maintains his grandiosity by continually feeding it. Making himself feel superior to others by devaluing them. Striving for perfection in all things. Narcissist firmly believes that he should be spoon fed and that accomplishments and honors should be handed to him on a silver platter without any effort on his part. His mere existence justifies such exceptional treatment. Many narcissists are under-qualified and lack skills because they can't be bothered with the trivia of obtaining an academic degree, professional training or exams, Narcissist continually strives to prove her superiority and perfection. She feels entitled to special treatment and is offended when treated as ordinary. She is likely to become abusive of service personnel who do not treat her in the manner she expects. And she is intolerant to the imperfectness of others. She is usually offended when anyone offers her suggestions for improvement. She interprets them as criticisms. The narcissist's arrogance and belief that he is superior to others, gradually transforms him into a recluse and an outcast, his colleagues, neighbors, friends avoid him. Even his long suffering family members tire of his tirades and rants. The narcissist adopts a physical posture which exudes an air of superiority, mysteriousness or amused indifference. She usually maintains piercing eye contact, but often refrains from physical proximity. She takes part in social interactions, makes condescending jobs, but she rarely mingles socially. And prefers to remain the observer or the lone wolf, the narcissist asks for special treatment of some kind: not to wait his turn. To have a longer therapeutic session, to talk directly to authority figures and not to their assistants to get special payment terms or to get served first. She demands the undivided attention of the head waiter in a restaurant or monopolises the hostess in a party. She reacts indignantly when denied her wishes and if treated equally with inferior others. Narcissist holds herself out as superior, believing she doesn't need anyone. And she often seems superior because . She demonstrates that she is above the human struggle. 11. Immaturity and Entitlement: Around the age of one to two children experience a natural sense of grandiosity that is an essential part of their development. This is a transitional phase. Soon, they integrate their feelings of self-importance and invincibility with an awareness of their real place in life that includes respect for others. In some cases, however, the bubble of specialness is never popped in others. The Rapture is too harsh or sudden. For example, when a parent shames the child excessively. whether overwhelmed with shame or artificially protected from it, children whose fantasies are not gradually transformed into a more balanced view of themselves in relation to others, never get over the belief that they are the center of the universe. Such children may become self-absorbed entitlement monsters. They are socially inept and incapable of the small sacrifices that allow for reciprocity in personal relationships. The un-deflated child turns into an arrogant adult who expects others to admire her. Narcissists can't seem to see the bigger picture or to comprehend why they might not always come first. Their expectations have an almost childlike quality. Often, we give in to them because it seems safer not to rock their boat. Narcissist will assault you with her opinions, complaints and criticisms until your very last nerve is frayed or you are bored to tears. All she can see in that shiny, glazed over look on your face is her own reflection. She doesn't understand that her efforts to impress you and snag your applause are actually annoying you. Narcissistic entitlement has nothing to do with genuine self-esteem, which comes from real accomplishment and being true to your own ideals, people who feel entitled to respect without giving it in return or who expect rewards without effort, or a life free of discomfort, are forfeiting any power they might have to shape their own destiny. They assume an essentially passive role and count on outside forces to make them happy when what they expect doesn't happen. They feel helpless. By claiming entitlement, they demand to live in the fantasy world of the one year old child. No wonder they are enraged. Entitlement means feeling that you have a right to something, regardless of whether or not you have earned it. People can feel entitled to money, time, attention, sex, special treatment to a pay raise or a price discount. Entitled Person takes up too much of your time, puts his feet on your coffee table or his bag down on the empty seat next to him during rush hour on the subway. Personal exceptionalism is the belief that you are special in a way that sets you above other people. It's the belief that you are more beautiful, wealthy, intelligent or talented than others, and this elevated status grants you unique privileges or considerations like special reserved sections in clubs, sporting events, airplanes, etc.. . The narcissist has the emotional maturity of a toddler. Don't expect much in the way of emotional depth or support in your relationship He simply is not capable of anything that sophisticated relationships with narcissists destroy trust in people. You learn not to trust anyone after being mistreated by someone so charming and likable. You also lose trust in yourself if you couldn't see this coming. What does that tell you about your judgment? Relationships with narcissists are remembered and ruminated about for a long time, people ponder what went wrong. They ruminate about the warning signs they should have seen, and they waste a lot of time trying to figure out what made the narcissist into a narcissist. People who have developed healthy ways of getting their needs met tend to ask for things directly. They are able to endure disappointment and frustration with grace and maturity. In contrast, people with personality issues tend to ask for things in indirect or ambiguous ways. They may lash out if their needs aren't met, causing others to feel pressured into doing what they want. Narcissist is someone who has not yet fully developed emotionally or morally, regardless of age. She doesn't assess her personal strengths accurately. Instead, she has an exaggerated posture of importance unrelated to any real accomplishments. She suffers from utterly intolerable sense of shame because of her shortcomings. But her shame is often well disguised. She cannot recognize the separate existence or feelings of other people. She may be intimidating, mesmerizing, even larger than life, but beneath the bombast or the charm is an emotional cripple with the moral development of a toddler. 12. People who humiliate and belittle others: Narcissists seem to be resentful of the accomplishments and success of others and seek to disparage it in some way. They often make statements that indirectly suggest that the other person achieved success because of something other than merit, such as family or other connections. They usually seize an opportunity to disparage others in some way, even when they appear to be giving praise, it is accompanied by some disparaging piece. Bitterness is an emotional response to a feeling wronged. Most people take disappointment in stride. We don't have to take it personally when things don't work out the way we had hoped. Even if you are envious of someone, you most likely don't feel bitter toward that person because you recognize that the world won't simply hand you everything you want. Narcissists feel entitled to the things they want, leaving them bitter toward others when things don't work out. For example, narcissist may feel entitled to popularity and therefore despise others who are well liked. . Behind the narcissist's arrogance is a fragile internal balloon of self-esteem. Her Self-esteem is never satisfied with being good. If she is not better than. - then she is worthless. Value is always relative, never absolute From their point of view, if someone else's stock goes up, theirs automatically goes down. If they are feeling deflated, they can re-inflate themselves by diminishing, debasing or degrading someone else. They want to get as far away as possible from the taint of personal defect and shame, If their balloon gets torn by the ill winds of life, they can repair themselves by showing someone else to be inferior. Narcissists are afraid to be exposed as inferior every narcissist has this deep fear of humiliation because his grandiose image covers an underlying sense of inadequacy. Narcissist humiliate others. Although the temptation is to throw those negative feelings back at the narcissist, doing so only increases anger and tension. Instead of going to war with the narcissist's attacks, acknowledge and accept your own vulnerabilities, Understanding what triggers shame or humiliation, and you will allow you to remain centered in response to a narcissistic devaluation. 13. Boastfulness Vanity and Conceit: Picture a child who grew up in a home where he was routinely criticized and devalued, where he was made to feel unworthy of love and attention, and where he ultimately developed feelings of defectiveness. The parents didn't show her much affection, understanding she felt controlled and manipulated by parents who expected her to take care of their self-esteem by adhering to their standards for performance and surrendering her own childhood needs. She grew up with an undercurrent of loneliness, with a well entrenched feeling that she was unlovable and flawed. . A child sought to escape the pain of his environment by donning three protective masks, the perfectionist. The avenging bully. And the competitive show-off. Narcissistic men are likely to emphasize intellect, power money or social status. Narcissistic women are likely to emphasize the body looks, charm, sexuality, feminine traits, home-making children and child rearing to the narcissist, freedom, wealth, social status, family vocation are all a means to an end, which is attention. If he can get attention by being the big bad wolf, the narcissist transforms himself into one. Being infamous is second best to being famous and more preferable to being ignored. The only way to punish a narcissist is to withhold narcissistic supply from him, which is attention and admiration, and to prevent him from becoming a notorious celebrity. The narcissist regards himself as an expensive present, a gift to his company, to his family, to his country. This belief of his inflated importance makes him feel entitled to special treatment, special favors, concessions. It also makes him feel immune to mortal laws and somehow protected from the consequences of his deeds. He feels that there is nothing he couldn't achieve if only he sets his mind to it. He rarely admits to ignorance. Narcissist firmly believes that his acts will have a great influence not only on his company, but on his country or even on mankind. He believes that he will always get away with it. He Is convinced that his future contribution to others, his company, his country, humanity, should be free of the routine things daily chores, boring jobs, recurrent tasks, laws and regulations. The narcissist brags incessantly her speech is full of I, my, myself and mine, she describes herself as intelligent or rich or modest or creative, but always excessively and extraordinarily so. The narcissist's biography sounds unusual. Rich and complex Her achievements are incompatible with her age and education. She lies in order to preserve appearances, support the tales of her false self and receive admiration. The compensatory narcissist strives for recognition and prestige to compensate for the lack of self-worth. She's sensitive to how others react to her and feels slighted by disapproval. She's prone to feel shamed and humiliated, is vulnerable to the judgments of others. For narcissists competition is a way to reaffirm superiority. Some narcissists compete only when they anticipate a favorable outcome, Deeply shamed by defeat. They tend to choose areas in which they can shine without much risk or effort. 14. Condescending and Haughty Attitudes: Arrogant, haughty behavior is the belief that you are a better or more important than others. You also believe that others are inferior. If you have been ever talked down to had your opinion intentionally minimized or discounted, then you have experienced this trait. Arrogance or haughtiness is a way to get rid of feelings of inferiority and shame by offloading them onto others. Imagine a game of hot potato. The object of the game is to not be the one stuck holding the potato when time runs out. You get rid of the potato by throwing it to someone else, making it that person’s problem instead. For narcissists, feeling inferior or ashamed is like holding a hot potato. All they want to do is get rid of it. One way of doing this is to throw the hot potato to someone else, it's like a scapegoating, the act of singling someone out and shifting blame or punishment to them. . Narcissists are name-droppers, status seekers, and know-it-alls of the world who may not be able to depend on their accomplishments to prove that they are better than you. Being ordinary or average is not acceptable. If they can't be superior, they are nothing. Those who are less successful at a talent or skill may rely on petty games of one-upmanship to sustain a sense of superiority. Being somewhat self-confident helps make you seem sociable and confident, but being too self-confident makes you seem arrogant and dismissive. Narcissists avoid emotional intimacy and behave in dismissive ways toward people they care about. They claim not to have enough time for loved ones or they may appear distracted or preoccupied when they should be listening and engaging. Such dismissive behavior comes from the inability to empathize with the other person's feelings , or by the belief that other people's problems aren't as important as the narcissists own concerns. Everyone is judgmental from time to time, but if you aren't careful, you can get trapped in the minds own system of categorizing and judging, good and bad are mental constructs that never tell the whole story. You can be stuck trying to be good, worthy or special to avoid being bad. When the mind’s judgments go unquestioned. A lot of people end up judging everything and everyone, including themselves. To avoid being bad, a narcissist must be good, to stay good, the narcissist must label others as bad. Vulnerable narcissists often feel like the bad ones and have the impression that everyone else is good. Narcissist's arrogant and superior attitude serves as a protective barrier, it keeps the “stink” of imperfection off the Narcissist It blocks intolerable feelings of shame about personal shortcomings. She carries within the burning eyes of a critical shaming parent that must be avoided at any cost. So when you encounter arrogance, it's not really pride you are seeing. It's a deep fear of being worthless. The only way to overcome that fear is to feel important. More important than anyone else. 15. People who feel entitled to special treatment: Things work best when everyone plays by the same rules. Sometimes narcissists behave as though they are not subject to the same rules as others. They may drive over the speed limit because they think they are better drivers than everyone else. They may have one set of rules for themselves, and an entirely different set of rules for others. Many people today are simply not concerned with others’ needs, or, worse, think that others’ needs are just not as important as their own needs. This state of mind is called entitlement. the pervasive belief that you deserve special treatment, success, and more material things. . The basic principle of reciprocity is that if someone does something for me, I need to do something for them in return. For example, if you receive a Christmas card from someone, you feel compelled to send them a card as well. If you fail to do this, you feel guilty. Let’s say a friend helps you when your computer goes down. According to the rules of exchange, you owe her. The next month, you help her to move some furniture into her house. So, both of you helped the other at minimal cost. it wasn’t hard for your friend to fix your computer and it wasn’t hard for you to move the couch— But both of you gained a great deal. These informal exchanges happen all the time in society and play a huge role in making the world work. The key is that people reciprocate the help at some point. Let’s say someone asks for a favor and you comply. The next week, however, you ask the person for a little favor in return and he flat out refuses. You get a little miffed, and the next time he asks for a favor, you decline. You are now a little less helpful in general, and less inclined to trust other people again. This is a major problem with entitlement: entitled people don’t see reciprocity as a two-way street. The result is that the whole concept of reciprocity gets diminished and life gets a little harder and more isolated for everyone. Reciprocity is the glue that binds society together, and entitlement dissolves that glue. Entitlement is one of the key components of narcissism. When you feel entitled to special treatment, someone else invariably gets the shaft. You live in a fantasy in which the world owes you more than you contribute. You can feel entitled to a flat-screen TV without earning the money to pay for it. You can park in the handicapped space because you are in a rush. You can graduate from college and expect to get a fulfilling job with a six-figure salary right away. Entitled people don't see the world through another person's eyes and find it difficult to empathize with another's misfortune. When you are entitled, all your focus is directed toward your own experience, your own outcomes, and your own needs. The entitled person considers his needs paramount and others needs minor. They feel it is their right to take more stuff from the world. Whether it is fish or fuel. If more people feel this way, the resources will run out, leaving nothing for future generations. Entitlement destroys reciprocity. One of the best ways to overcome entitlement is to be grateful for what you already have. Grateful people are more emotionally supportive to others. Gratitude is the opposite of entitlement. you think about what you already have, instead of what you deserve to have, but don’t...." 16. People who are concerned about appearances: It’s difficult to imagine a narcissistic person who isn’t in some way concerned about appearances. Vanity is a way to defend against underlying fears and insecurities. It stems from the need to maintain the false self and keep it from falling apart. Many grandiose narcissists maintain a beautiful façade. While they may have sculpted bodies, precisely combed hair, or perfect teeth, their outer beauty is not supported by an inner sense of well-being. For grandiose narcissists, vanity is a way to protect themselves against being overwhelmed by unconscious distress. Some narcissists feel this distress as emptiness. They can’t control these inner feelings of emptiness and distress, so they try to compensate through perfection. They create ideal self. A perfect vision of themselves. vulnerable narcissists, instead of admiring themselves in the mirror, are more likely to focus on imperfections. Like the Beast, they feel that their flaws make them unwanted by society. Grandiose n-sts, on the other hand, tend to use vanity in a more boastful and self-assured manner. Vulnerable narcissists are more in touch with the shame and anger that live inside them. But still, they can't deal with these feelings. Instead, they tend to feel powerless and overcome by their feelings. They turn to others for reassurance that they aren’t as flawed and worthless as they fear. Neither grandiose nor vulnerable narcissists are able to feel that they have worth outside of what they can do. . When people talk about fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, they are really talking about fantasies of perfection. Narcissists often harbor unrealistic ideas about just how amazing things could be. Every aspect of life is measured on a scale between worthlessness and perfection. It’s common for narcissists to become dissatisfied with relationships because they don’t live up to the image of the perfect union they’ve imagined. This division between worthlessness and perfection is sometimes called splitting. Splitting happens when a person psychologically separates parts of himself, or parts of the world in general into all good and all bad categories. People may rely on this way of thinking because they have difficulty integrating good and bad categories, to gain a whole picture of themselves and the world. This inability to hold the good and bad together, at the same time results in swings between highs and lows when everything seems perfect and everything seems terrible. The false self, is a mask worn by narcissists to hide their fragile and damaged authentic self. Narcissists fantasize about perfection because being perfect means that you never have to worry about needing anything from anyone ever again. To a narcissist, being perfect means being self-sufficient and therefore safe from shame, anxiety, or fear. Most people are content with getting a little bit of attention here and there throughout their lives. They don’t need to be on the cover of newspapers and magazines to feel that they are worth something. In contrast, many narcissists harbor fantasies that they only need to be “discovered” to enjoy worldwide fame. The fantasy of being imminently visible to everyone is actually a way of compensating for feeling invisible. Narcissistic women tend to place more importance on their physical appearance, flaunting their bodily attributes and often augmentations, they also tend to place more emphasis on having a high fashion IQ, trendy décor, and children who are meticulously accessorized for success, socially or academically. Narcissists believe that the only things that matter in life are looking great, excelling in performance and achievement, winning the attention of important people, and positioning themselves well, And that if they do these things, the world will come right to their door...." 17. Inferiority complex and Compensation: Some people compensate for past hurts or childhood emotional wounds by creating an illusion of superiority. Compensatory people are highly sensitive to how others react to or perceive them Some narcissists seek entry into exclusive clubs, restaurants, and venues. They will only fly first class and wear designer brands. They spend considerable money to associate with people of power and status. They pride themselves on possessing exclusive information or knowing important people. Namedropping is the practice of casually inserting information into a conversation with the intention of impressing others. Name-dropping can include important people that you know (or claim to know), exotic destinations to which you have traveled. expensive brands or labels that you own. This information is meant to convey elevated status. Narcissists often name-drop at parties or other social gatherings (or social media) to make themselves appear important and special. By doing these things, they seek to compare themselves favorably to others. This sense of being better off is used to get admiration. We’ve all seen people who overcompensate by purchasing the fanciest cars, the largest or fastest boats, the most luxurious house. It is as if they were saying, “Look at me; see how successful I am.” The old joke “the bigger the car, the smaller the penis” may not be that far from the truth. It may indeed be a feeling of smallness, or inferiority, that causes some narcissists to behave the way they do. Overcompensation is also played out in financial success, or having the most attractive mate. Compensation takes place when narcissist alternates between feelings of emptiness and states of excitement, when • Is in search for an idealised partner. a• Has a strong need for the immediate success , when he's touchy, quick to take offence at the slightest provocation when he continually anticipates attack. Reacting with anger and fantasies of revenge. The grandiose image of the narcissist is an effort to be different, better. But this image fails to change the basic personality. We cannot consciously control our real, true self. All we can do is to alter our appearance, change our image. and this has only a superficial effect on our personality. Changing your clothes does not change your body underneath. The image itself is a denial of our feelings. By adopting a grandiose image, we can ignore the painfulness of our inner reality. But the image is also an external function in relation to the world. It is a way of gaining acceptance from others. Power has a seemingly irresistible allure. Almost everyone wants power. The narcissist’s striving for power stems from a deep sense of humiliation suffered as a child. As people seek to present an image of strength and power, they become rigid, less sensitive, and more narcissistic. narcissistic. narcissism grows out of the denial of feeling, the loss of real self, and the projection of an image, to compensate for that loss. N-sts are status seekers. Jewels are symbols of wealth. A limousine is vastly more prestigious than an ordinary car. A palace is really more a showplace than a home. 18. Showcasing an Image of Successful person: Some narcissists can display numerous achievements and seeming success They often show an ability to get along in the world of power and money. They may think too highly of themselves, but others think highly of them, too, because of their worldly success. You don’t have to be a narcissist to be successful, but there are many successful narcissists because they are self promoting and always grabbing the limelight. These types of people seem to know exactly where they are going. But their goals probably have little relationship to their inner selves. They look for external direction and goals from society, authorities, or idealized others, and then strive to obtain those goals. These goals, often including wealth, power, and fame, are devoid of inner meaning. Narcissist strives toward attainment of them in order to prove his superiority and to support his grandiose view of himself. Although many narcissists do possess real talents and intelligence, some never achieve a measure of success success. but instead limp forward with an air of specialness and entitlement. Afraid to test their own adequacy, they present only the illusion of competence and slip increasingly behind others in actual achievements. Over time, their shortcomings become more obvious, making their superiority, more questionable. Eventually, the strain of maintaining the false self converts a pretense of brilliance into feelings of fraudulence and emptiness. Even more entitled narcissists, who expect the world on a platter, may finally realize that others are moving ahead through hard work. Eventually, the illusion wears thin, confidence gives way to uncertainty. At some point, the balloon will pop. will pop. . There are "luckier" narcissists, who can afford not to work. They laze about, indulge themselves in idle and trivial pursuits. seek entertainment and thrills and pass their lives They become bitter because they haven't achieved more, they haven't reached the pinnacle of their profession, they haven't become as rich or famous or powerful as they deserve to be. Narcissists feel shameful when confronted with a failure. Their self-esteem is injured. Their omnipotence is threatened, their sense of perfection and uniqueness is questioned. . To the narcissist, a victory is meaningless in the absence of onlookers. She needs an audience to applaud, admire, or even detest her. She craves the attention others can provide. She derives sustenance only from the outside. Narcissists are out of place in the world of feeling. and do not know how to relate to other people in a real, human way. Their performance seems too efficient, too mechanical, too perfect to be human. They function more like machines than people. They spend their life trying to prove their worth to an uncaring world. But someday the façade of superiority and specialness breaks down, And the sense of loss and sadness becomes conscious. 19. Keeping up with the Joneses : Narcissism is linked to this quest for material goods and a “beat the Joneses” lifestyle. For narcissists, material goods such as a Rolex watch, a luxury car, and a huge kitchen with granite countertops are signals of status. Just like super-white teeth, granite countertops are now necessary to show that you’re not poor, Unfortunately, people who value being wealthy as an end in itself (rather than as an outcome on achieving other life goals) are less happy and more prone to depression. “visible goods,” like, cars, jewelry, clothes, all status symbols are designed to make the narcissist look well-off even if he isn’t. It’s apparently not enough just to spend money—you have to spend it extravagantly, and in a unique way. What good is money if you can’t use it to show that you are special, and unique Being rich is a narcissist’s paradise. First, you can afford the best of everything (after all, you deserve it). And everyone is nice to you because you’re footing the big bill, and money brings good service. Maybe you’ll even leave a big tip or a nice inheritance to the people who kiss up to you the best. If you’re wealthy enough, you can be your own boss and do whatever you want. Money also buys personal comfort. You can forget the shoe-removing, three-hour layover, starvation. Money helps you feel important and better than other people. You can buy your way out of lines everywhere. people who simply aspire to have more money suffer from poor mental health. Striving for financial success, apparently, makes people miserable. Fashion and style change so rapidly that only the very wealthy can keep up. Beyond the brief feeling of excitement you get when buying a hot new product and showing it to your friends, the pleasures of materialism are fleeting. Lots of things are fun to buy, but not so many are fun to own. The boost to narcissism that you get from beating the Joneses lasts only until they get their own new car or house. The most successful people substitute the immediate desire to look wealthy, with the longer-term goal to actually accumulate wealth. They choose to follow the reality principle instead of the pleasure principle. Many drive used cars, spend a little and save large sums of money. They “believe that financial independence is more important than displaying high social status.” They are not running after status, but instead want to achieve actual wealth and independence. Having wealth gives them a sense of freedom. a feeling that outweighs the fleeting pleasures of looking wealthy...." 20. People bragging and showing off. Narcissistic Cultures: Narcissists believe that they are more attractive than other people (even though, objectively, they’re not). They post sexier photos of themselves on social networks, wear expensive, attention-getting clothing. women wear more makeup and show more cleavage, They are more likely to present a “put-together” look That requires a lot of preparation and time. In other words, narcissists use their appearance as a way to seek status and attention from others. Of course, not everyone who has plastic surgery or Botox, wears expensive clothes, or shows cleavage is narcissistic. Vanity seems harmless and often is, but vanity often occurs with self-centeredness, which causes negative behaviors. In nar-stic culture, people use credit to make themselves appear better off than they actually are. They want to look high status now and pay later. proving their status through consumption. Our current narcissistic culture asks, “Why be wealthy if you can’t show it off?” The narcissist is convinced of his superiority, intellectual or physical. He hates people, He wishes to "put them in their place", humiliate them, demonstrate to them how inadequate and imperfect they are in comparison to his regal self and how little he needs them Narcissists may also believe that others are envious of them. he idea that people are secretly envious, helps narcissists feel more secure about themselves. After all, envy and admiration are close relatives. People envy those who have things they want. Instead of thinking “nobody likes me,” narcissists can think people are just envious of me. Narcissists are not just feeling envy because someone has a nice car or a full head of hair, but also because others get to be real people, while the narcissist feels like a hollow fraud. She feels completely alone. She yearns for acceptance. But like wannabes at an exclusive event, she ends up standing around outside, craning her neck to catch a glimpse of the party...." 21. People who are Envious and Contemptuous: Envy is a common human weakness. It is one of the reasons why we are fascinated when the rich, the famous, and the beautiful come to an untimely or disgraceful end. There is something dark within us that gloats when the grand and glorious are toppled from their pedestals. We love their flaws and misfortunes, because it means that there is not so much distance between us. People are envious of the prodigy. The genius serves as a constant reminder to others of their mediocrity, lack of creativity, mundane existence. They try to “bring him down to their level”, “cut him down to size. The gifted person’s haughtiness and high-handedness only exacerbate her strained relationships. She becomes defensive, aggressive and aloof. This renders her even more obnoxious. The narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes, their property, their character, their education, their children, the fact that they can feel, their good moods, their past, their present, their spouses, their mistresses, their location, almost anything can be the trigger of envy. Narcissists lash out at happy people out of their own nagging sense of deprivation. Envy is triggered whenever someone else appears to have something that the N-st lacks. Deep within the unconscious, she registers that the other person is a threat to her superiority. The internal balloon pops and the alarm goes in her head screaming for the neutralizer, this neutralizer is contempt. By showing contempt, the envious person demeans that which makes her feel diminished. The other person may be utterly humble and completely unaware of having given offense—but the n-st is in her own reality, where she feels shame. Then comes the list of the other person’s flaws, and it can get pretty dirty. The N-st’s unconscious intent, is to soil the other person, so that she, by comparison, is restored to the superior position. . The N-st’s inner defender says: There’s nothing wrong with me,” “I’m just doing what any red-blooded 24-year-old is supposed to do. It’s that married guy who’s weird. Imagine that, married at twenty-four!” The N-st certainly didn’t envy the guy for being married, but he did covet his colleague’s appearance of maturity, which made his own weekend revelries seem adolescent By comparison, the best defense is a good offense. So he began to look down on his colleague. Sometimes envy is disguised beneath a mask of excessive praise or admiration, often followed by a self-disparaging remark. For example, the N-st may say “This is the best cheesecake I’ve ever eaten! I so admire people who can bake. You know, I’m all thumbs in the kitchen. How do you do it and still run your own business? You’re just so talented!” Your talent has exposed the Narcissist’s culinary inadequacy, for which there is no ready defense. So in a grand gesture, she cedes the kitchen to you and relocates her superiority in the moral realm. I may not be able to bake, but no one could be more appreciative or generous than I. Nice little cheesecake, but I'm still better than you. Obsequiousness toward those in power is another version of envy in disguise. Someone else’s power is very threatening to a Narcissist, and evokes not only envy and contempt but fear of retaliation. Ingratiating behavior is an attempt to control the other person by pleasing the one in power. the Narcissist may even be able to acquire some power of his own or “bask in the glow” of connection to someone perceived as superior. While narcissists’ envy may appear to be about money, looks, charm, or popularity on the surface, on deeper level, they are envious because other people don’t have to wear a mask. Narcissist wants to know what it is like to have a real self. He envies those who can find acceptance for who they really are. Unfortunately, most narcissists have been wearing masks for so long that the real face underneath is undefined. They have a sense that taking off the mask would represent an enormous loss of identity. They fear it would cause a breakdown, that they couldn’t survive. Treating narcissism is all about finding the true self and encouraging it to grow...." 22. Pretending to be someone you're not: As a child, narcissist has her own unique personality filled with her own feelings, needs, and perceptions. This is what some psychologists calls the real self (or true self); It is the child's true identity. Problems arise, when a parent does not validate (or approve of) part of the child’s personality. The parent is rejecting. Disapproval and rejection may take the form of criticism, withdrawals of love or shaming. The child’s real self then becomes her despised self; she simply hates herself for being a failure in her parent’s eyes and, then later, in her own eyes. She now devalues and hates anything real or genuine within herself: She thinks of herself as weak, stupid, lacking in talent, and, in general, disgraceful. Narcissist tries to shield this despised self at all costs. It is an incredibly painful and shameful wound, and to have it exposed through the revealing of her shortcomings would be a devastating humiliation. This wound is exceedingly deep and its never-ending defense is the very thing that drives the narcissist, like a shark that must continue to swim just to breathe. breathe. The narcissist’s solution to this pain is to create another identity, It is called the idealized self (or false self). It is an attempt to mask and compensate for the despised self. Where he was once weak, he becomes a superhero—undefeatable in all that he does. Where she was once unattractive. She's now charming, seductive and irresistible. replete with adoring fans and paparazzi. And where he was once without talent, he is now the world’s foremost authority on anything. Deep down, narcissists are aware that the idealized self is a big lie: They find out that the waitress that they were trying to impress, by leaving large tips, was really giggling at their bloated pomposity behind their backs. The novel they believed to be the next best seller is still not finished. They were turned down for the second time for a promotion, their last friend on earth won’t return their calls, and they still can’t seem to lose that excess thirty pounds. Each one of these humiliations is like a jolting punch of reality—more salt poured into the existing wounds of childhood. They have been exposed! Now they hate themselves even more. But rather than acknowledge their shortcomings as just being human flaws. narcissists will compensate with an even grander and more superior version of themselves. The process repeats itself over and over: trying to be a superman, only to fail and suffer humiliation, then hating themselves and compensating again by creating an even greater superman They don't accept their true self. They don't even know who they really are. Narcissism is an investment in your image, not your true personality Narcissist loves his image, not his real self. He has a poor sense of self. His activities are directed toward the enhancement of his image. She may look fine on the surface, but underneath, she still feels defective and unloved. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love others. Love may be viewed as, you sharing yourself with another person. Intimacy is the sharing of the self. But you need to have a sense of self in order to share it. You can lose a sense of self if you invest your energy in your image People engage in many activities designed to enhance their image. Gaining power and making money, for instance, provide the ego satisfaction because they support our image. Having a book published, can do great things for your ego. You can base your identity on being an author. But the admiration you receive, only inflates your ego; It does nothing for your true self. Your ego becomes inflated by success or achievement, and you lose the sense of reality. So you avoid confusion by denying your feelings. People may have a public image based on their social position and power, but this does not make them narcissists. They do become narcissistic, however, if they base their personal identity on this public image rather than on their body feelings. Narcissism occurs when our self-image and real self don’t match. The narcissist accepts the idealized image. His actual personality is lost. It is unacceptable to him. He denies his true self. he avoids looking at it. He is more concerned with how he appears, than what he feels. here is a difference between your real self and your image, just as there is a difference between the person and her reflection in a mirror. To be in touch with yourself means to sense and be in touch with your feelings. you have to experience them in their full intensity. And that can only be done by expressing them. If the expression of a feeling is blocked, the feeling is suppressed or diminished. t is one thing to talk about fear, another -to feel the fright and scream. Saying “I am angry” is not the same thing as feeling the emotion. surge through your body. To truly feel your sadness, You have to cry...." 23. Are you a Winner or a Loser?: Some people tend to practice splitting. Seeing others as good or bad with no in-between. Splitting is the process of seeing the world in black and white terms with no gradations of gray. It has a tendency to overvalue people, events, ideas, and activities, only to quickly do value these things. Finding any type of floor in them. For example, things are either always or never. Hippo can either be evil and grouped, or angels and perfect. Science, history or news. Isaac be complete or incomplete life. People who do this see others as either wonderful, awful, sexy, or repulsive, winners or losers. There is no middle ground for them. Imagine you are sorting or zinc into boxes. You have a huge pile of clothes, genes, sweaters, dresses, socks, underwear, and only two boxes. How do you decide what goes into each box? If you had more boxes, then you could sort based on criteria like color, style and function. Only having two boxes forces you to see things in a polarized way. Either things go into box or into Box me. There is no in-between. Now, imagine that box a and box B is bad. Yeah, we experience every thought. Feeling and perception must go into the good box. In Tibet box. Narcissist fluctuate between feelings perfect and feeling versus the idealized and devalue others. When a narcissist idealize is your, it's as if you have been placed in the box. Therefore, everything about you is good. You can do no wrong. It feels amazing to the idealized in this way. Unfortunately, idealizations, nevertheless, they turn into devaluations because that is the other side of the story. The narcissist will eventually see you are in real person with morning breath, occasional bad hair days. And if you extra pounds and there, these flaws will eventually forced the narcissist J2 out of the box and put you into bad box. Narcissists often have fantasies that they are, or they should be perfect. They sought to the heights of ecstasy when things are going well. If they don't feel it perfect. If you deeply flawed and worthless. If perfection can be realized, they become grandiose. If not, they begin to feel totally flawed rather than arguably human. Very young children understand the world only in terms of black and white. Find variations and subtle gradations are far too complex for their young minds to grasp. Seeing them requires further brain development. It is important to recognize that all of us have tendencies to split under certain conditions. For example, we tend to highly overvalue food when we're hungry. When we're in a rush to get to our jobs. And the highways are a bumper to bumper. Everybody looks like an idiot. And it's really hard to find any use for other people whatsoever. Splitting is a psychological defense mechanism. People use when they feel threatened in some way. But narcissistic people seem to be somewhat stuck in this mode with the narcissist. Splitting can be extreme. Perhaps this is because narcissists are constantly living in a hidden state of desperation. They always feel that their self-esteem is under attack. Sometimes they see themselves as very vague and omnipotent. At other times, however, reality breakthrough and they see themselves as voiceless and powerless. 24. Do you get easily bored and never finish anything?: The narcissist maintains very high unrelenting standards for herself and for those who orbit for Stella magnificence. In her professional endeavors, she often report feeling a board and dissatisfied because she's driven by unconscious desire to obtain external affirmation and meet unreasonable standards. Lacks passion or interest or intrinsic motivation. Narcissists are often quitters. Procrastinators or lazy. They are already low self-esteem is further lowered because they seemingly cannot carry out a project to completion. Narcissist routine. But he finds himself doing the same things over and over again. He gets depressed. The problem is that the most exciting and varied existence becomes routine after a while. Living in the same country. Meeting the same people all around the eyes or the narcissist. Stultifying life. Feels it is his right, due to his intellectual or physical superiority to lead a thrilling, rewarding kaleidoscopic life. He has this need for stimulating variety. The rejection of habit is a kind of aggressive entitlement. Queuing in line is a waste of time that was spent pursuing knowledge, inventing, and creating. The role of the children in narcissistic family was not to make waves and to leave out the expectations of the parents. The parents were determined that their children were going to have a better life than we have had. But they actively resented the children. Or the mater is by choice. The unrealistic expectations from the narcissistic family are further setup for over commitment of time and energy. If everyone else can do things, you should be able to do them too. When it becomes impossible to accomplish all of the tasks. You feel inadequate. The reality though, is that the expectations are unrealistic, not that you are deficient. You actually need to decide which of the commitments are essential. Which tasks provide a high level of personal satisfaction? And you can stick to them, and which tasks can not be continued. Adults pleased in narcissistic families are frequently all or nothing people with a moralistic position. Things are seen in terms of black and white, good and bad. There is a right and wrong answer or solution to virtually every situation. They are metaphorically looking for some cosmic skill that will read all feelings, thoughts, and actions from one list acceptable and bad to 10. Most acceptable or good. These are people whose daily vocabulary is full of shoots. The concept of making a mistake and learning from it is utterly foreign. Mistake is wrong or bad thing. If he makes a mistake, it is a mistake. It is yet another example of his own worthiness. And essential deficiency. Feelings are irrelevant. It is doing the right thing. Guessing right? Meeting other people's needs and getting approval. That matters. Options are not opportunities for success. They merely multiply is opportunities for making mistakes. There can be only one right answer to any given question. These individuals are no trees to know what themselves raised, to know others, to be able to predict what others expect of them, and to meet that explicit or implicit need. Therefore, they tried many things are which they are ill-suited. In childhood and adolescence. When other kids were trying out varying kinds of behaviors, making messes, and learning what works and what does not. These children were taking care of their parents emotional needs. While they could not experiment and try new things, then become, now. There are some skills that we need to learn to have a productive life. Task completion. And the ability it implies to defer gratification is one of them. You didn't learn it to them. But you can now. Now you are a grown up and you have choices and options. Virtually every job requires some routine, especially at the beginning. It may not be glamorous or constant farm. If an hour most favorite tasks are not enjoyable all the time. Good decision-making involves looking at every possible alternate to any situation and then making the decision based on what will be the best option for yourself. There are always risks in decision-making. You can make mistakes. In fact, learned far more from our mistakes than we do from our successes. So mistakes are really learning experiences in disguise. To take no risks, however, is to stand still, to stay stuck. Whenever you use the word should. You are considering a decision based on an external standard rather than your own internal needs. Should really means. I don't want to, but they want me to. The shared decision-making model as well taught in the narcissistic family. 25. Senior Citizen Narcissism: Narcissists typically look healthy and appealing from the outside. Narcissism, however, is a destructive trade. In old age. You lose your looks and your behavior drives away your family and friends. The 65 year-old man who still in the mirror and drives a flashy car, is semi pathetic. Senior citizen narcissism is not a good way to end your time on earth. As narcissist begins to age and lose her youthful beauty, she will become even more frantic in herself absorption. She searched for ways to restore her use more yoga and pilates. In your personal trainer, cosmetic surgery, and maybe a younger Lava doubles for efforts to control those around her. Dictating for children's wedding plans. For example. Old admirers, desert. Adding to her loneliness, she can become a chronic complainer, destroying her a few remaining relationships. I was surprised, even shocked when we examine our faces in Amira Last Stand by the lines of each receipt, by the sadness in our eyes. By dipping in our expression, we did not expect to see ourselves like that. The mind's eye saw ourselves as young with smooth skin and carefree expression. Close help us hide this reality from ourselves and others and allow us to form a picture of our bodies that is far removed from reality. If a feast lift or a tummy tuck or a hair transplant is within the budget. It must be had. Pushing the physical limits to prove that one still has, the right stuff has become a commonplace pursuit in our narcissistic world. First cars and the young lovers, and also keep the illusion alive for a time. Some narcissistic individuals much younger than they are. They have even features and smooth complex, which do not show any lines or worry or trouble. These people do not allow life to touch them. They don't allow the inner events of living to reach the surface of their minds or the surface of their bodies. This is a denial or feeling. But human beings are not immune to live. And interstices, the aging occurs internally. With aging, narcissist is made a mockery by his accentuated denial of reality, by his refusal to grow up and eternal malformed child. In the second body of the decaying man. It feels entitled, but feels to receive admiration. The longer the narcissist leaves, the more average becomes, it loses his magic. Potency. Touch a lower is the object of the region. Here narcissists, mother to study a trade, pursue a career, get an academic degree, maintain a business, keep their jobs, raise functioning families, nurture friendships. Narcissists are always ill-prepared. Those who succeed in their occasions end up alone. Having squandered the lab of spouse and kids. The more family-oriented, often formed at work. We locate, leap from one job to another, forever roaming and traveling. With age, some people lose their narcissism. Some develop more realistic expectations and hopes measured by their skills and education, but it may be too late. They are avoided, ignored, and snapped. 26. How do we become Narcissistic?: It's more likely that narcissists are not born that way, but developed narcissistic traits. The theory that people develop narcissistic traits in response to how they were parented. Some narcissists have experienced a parenting style that was either over indulgent and tampering or neglectful and rejecting. Narcissistic individuals often have had either highly permissive or highly authoritarian parents. When parents are neglectful, rejecting, or sometimes erratic, children learn that they can know to depend on their parents or nutrients or love. They give up trusting that the parents will love them. And basically turn it to the only person that they feel they can trust themselves. This shift towards self-love is seen as an attempt at self-preservation. The entitle amongst children, our products of narcissistic parenting. The child of a narcissistic parent is often an extension of his parents fantasies of success. The parent expects her child to be exceptionally talented and gifted and to always achieve excellence. As no child can ever really live up to these fantastic expectations. These children tend to suffer from low self-esteem and never being quite good enough. Some are held captive in a parent's narcissistic bubble, the field to separate from their emotional, shallow mothers. And they become what mother or father needs them to be rather than who they truly are. They are fragile. Self-esteem depends on the validation of others, but they also fear dependency and intimacy, which threaten to expose their weakness and intolerable shame. They may be superficially charming. What are often called. They have never known empathic love. All children will say stage when grandiosity and omnipotence. Our normal ways of thinking. The feeling of shame is what ultimately determines who becomes a narcissist. It depends on how well a child learns to manage shame. Children who can't tolerate shame and who have had their infanticidal grandiosity amplified, will become narcissists. Most parents want something or seem to need something from their children. For some parents, the child has to be successful in the world, often to compensate for the parents own sense of failure. For others, the child has to be outstanding to achieve some recognition. That will make the parent feel important. When parents scorn anything less than the highest levels of performance, the child will most likely grew up eating himself for being merely human, contemptuous of his own limitations, and riddled with unconscious shame. You will need ongoing victory is to prove that is a shame free winner rather than a contemptible loser. Best or worst, winner or loser. There are only two possibilities for the narcissist. Almost all narcissistic people have had the experience of being deeply humiliated in childhood by parents who used pow1 as a means of control. In many cases, the parents used their superior physical strength to force the child into submission. Spanking are a common form of such physical abuse and can be particularly humiliating. There are parents who intensify the meeting if the child cries as if to deny the child even the right to express hurt. In most cases, the punishment is a demonstration of power because it far exceeds the nature of the offense. Sister was not encouraged in the discovery of her true inclinations. She was not held in the arms of a parent, would make her feel completely safe and unquestionably cherished. She was instead ridden with shame and a sense of effectiveness from criticism and from withholding of emotional nourishment. He was made to feel there was something wrong with her, as if she was weak or wanting comfort and attention. In defense. She mustered up whatever safeguards she code in order to extinguish the pain associated with these life themes. Children born into chaos never feel good about themselves. They may come to feel that they are damaged goods. And we'll then spend a lifetime to get away from this painful sense of self. 27. Why do some people become Narcissists?: There may be a place for punishment in the upbringing of children. But in many cases, it is the parents way of releasing the suppressed rage. The child being helpless and dependent has to take it or risk and even greater age to survive a childhood full of traumatizing meetings, punishments, and criticisms, children on a half to suppress. They are Abelian and obey. They can only do so by denying their own feelings and the reality of their parent's behavior. The false self is a childish response to abuse and trauma. Abuse is not limited to beatings. It includes smothering, daunting, hampering, overindulgence, treating the child as an extension of the parent, not respecting the challenge boundaries and burdening the child is excessive expectations. Will the child be constructing false self? That's not perfect plan in an attempt to be the person who believes others try to be. Narcissists get hung up on the image. Actually, they cannot distinguish between an image of how they imagine themselves to be and an image of who they actually are. The two views have become 1. Therefore, self rests on the surface. It is presented to the world. Their true self resides behind the facade, the fall. So an ideal image is not real. Narcissists are tricked at an early age into believing that they need to be perfect, to be loved. Sometimes, narcissists are called US children. When children are exploited for their ability to gratify parents, caregivers and peers. They grew up thinking that this is the primary purpose in life. While other children learn that their feelings are valued and understood by parents, narcissist learn to shut down feelings that are not desirable to others. While other children get realistic feedback about their talents and abilities. Narcissists are inflated by parents, unrealistic expectations. Whole self is based on image of perfection, building. Success. Underneath it, there is very little sense of an authentic true self. The child grew up fillings conditional aloft, meaning that love was based upon performance, is parents may have expected him to be the best. Instilling the message that being anything short of perfect meant he was fought. Inadequate and unlovable. Parents look only to a child's achievements, signs off, specialise in the world. They follow a child's progress as fans follow, it seems all well, is the child doing at school in sports With Friends? Helium is not acceptable. They don't try to assure their children that being average is good enough. It is very difficult for a child who has been made to feel special at home, to accept being common in the world. Because she receives love and admiration for living up to her parents idealized expectations. The child comes to feel that a true, imperfect and merely human self is unacceptable. That is shameful and must therefore be kept hidden from view. She understands that the inflated she must sustain is false, and she refused exposure. She may have been taught that love is changeable and conditional. She may have been manipulated into believing that she could get her emotional needs met. If she strived for greatness. Parents thought their own sense of pride and attention to her achievements in client that she was forbidden to embarrass them with less than perfect performance. Narcissist is not loved for being cohesive. Its parents love him for what they wish and imagine him to be the fulfillment of their dreams and frustrated wishes. The child becomes the vessel or his parents discontented lives to the magic airbrush with which they seek to retouch their failures into successes. They are humiliation, into victory. They are frustrations into happiness. And the child is taught to give up on reality and adopted the parental fantasies. Such an unfortunate child. Hills perfect omnipotent, entitled to special treatment, social skills, teamwork, perseverance, and goal orientation, ability to postpone gratification, hard work are all missing. This kind of child turned adult sees no reason to invest resources in his skills and education. Convinced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for merely being rather than for actually doing. She may also feel dependent and incompetent as her parents were always waiting on her and risk incur instead of helping her develop the necessary skills of self-reliance. As an adult, she may show up as entitled and expect to be doted on and indulged. Or she may avoid taking initiative and making decisions because she has an underlying fear of shameful exposing whole limitations. When a tackling do everyday decisions of life. 28. What is the Narcissist really insecure about?: Healthy emotional boundaries allow people to separate their own actions from the actions of others. We understand that somebody else’s less attractive qualities have no bearing on our own worth. Narcissists are not always able to make such distinctions. For example, they may feel ashamed or embarrassed to be seen with someone they find unattractive. Similarly, they may feel humiliated if a friend makes a mistake, or if a romantic partner isn’t looking his best on a given day. These poor emotional boundaries typically cause the narcissist to engage in controlling or avoiding behaviors and attempts to avoid embarrassment. Narcissists use grandiose behavior to cope with deep feelings of insecurity. At some point in their development, narcissists were made to feel like their true thoughts and feelings didn’t matter. They were used as a mirror. their purpose was to reflect a flattering image. They hate to re-experience those feelings of being used. Grandiosity protects them from feeling vulnerable. Grandiose narcissists make others feel inferior and unimportant by acting superior. Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, make others feel inferior and unimportant because they are too preoccupied with their own self-esteem to really see and care for those around them. Both types of narcissists unconsciously use others in the same way that they were used as children. Beneath their arrogant and controlling exterior, grandiose narcissists are full of fear, shame, and self-loathing. To avoid this internal pain, grandiose narcissists work tirelessly to maintain a façade of perfection. the facade must be convincing to everyone. most importantly, it must convince the narcissist. Any cracks in this perfect exterior threaten to destabilize the narcissist and send her into insecurity. They tell themselves that they need praise and admiration because they deserve it, not because their sense of self will collapse without it They explain their lack of empathy with having so much on their plate right now. They rationalize taking advantage of your generosity because they have done so much for you, not because they are in a perpetual state of taking from others. When any of these defenses are pointed out, grandiose narcissists become angry. Enter narcissistic rage. Like cornered animals in fear for their survival, they often lash out ferociously when their defenses are questioned. Because they could not complete the process of separation from parents, narcissists are forever in search of validation that they are OK. They want to continue developing, but are stuck with a deep fear of abandonment. Narcissists fantasize about being perfect because the false self is based on being perfect to win parental approval. When narcissists go too long without some form of reassurance, they begin to feel those old pangs of abandonment anxiety, as if they were back in early childhood. admiration is really just a form of reassurance. Admiration tells you that you did a good job. It tells you that you are liked or even envied. As long as you are good, you don’t need to worry about abandonment. All of this is unconscious and taking place without the narcissist’s awareness. Narcissists secretly feel that they are not good enough—indeed, that they are deeply flawed. Inside, they feel ashamed, insecure, and angry. Although most narcissists are not consciously aware of these feelings, they may have a vague sense that something is wrong. When people have upsetting feelings that they can’t pin down, it often causes anxiety. The mind attempts to make sense of the anxiety, by attaching it, for example, to the possibility of physical illness. On an emotional level, narcissists are starving and desperate for your help. If you let them, they will gobble up all of your resources, leaving you to starve as well. You need to set boundaries to protect your emotional and psychological space. Be assertive, keeping in mind the differences between aggressive, passive, and assertive behavior Don’t get too attached to outcomes. All you can do is speak your truth. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, you always have the choice to walk away...." 29. How to Deal with Show Offs and Superior People?: When dealing with the show-off, recognize that you’re in the company of someone who hungers for the adoration and envy of others. She may be overtly boastful or covertly charming and self-effacing. . She’s learned that if she can impress you, she can temporarily nourish her hunger and extinguish her shame. She finds her reflection in your applause. She appears to have little interest in you, apart from the praise and admiration you offer. With your steady grasp of the present moment, proceed to ignore her obvious solicitations and instead offer positive feedback for the simple and ordinary niceties of the interaction. For example, let’s say the narcissist is your friend. And you usually say, “I just don’t know how you do it all. What an exceptional woman you are,” Instead of this, place your emphasis on everyday things: I appreciate that you made this launch date for us. It's nice to be remembered. Focus on thoughtful, unadorned kindnesses instead of the extraordinary, supremely glossy images and actions she presents for your admiration. Even amidst her outstanding achievements and fashion supremacy, you might stress ordinariness and grant it some honest but modest recognition. Don’t allow yourself to be blinded by the glare of her 14-karat ego, your frank responses might even reach the part of the N-st, that actually longs to be accepted without the burden of pompously proving herself. The entitled N-st behaves as if she is superior and feels that she deserves to be treated differently. She doesn’t subscribe to the sentiment of give-and-take. She has trouble being on the receiving end of the word “no” and never appears to feel any remorse for her pushy and demanding actions. She isn't interested in the feelings of others. Your typical stance has been to stand back and smile shyly and apologetically for her rude and embarrassing behavior. That would be followed by a roll of your eyes and the thought Oh well, this is who she is. But this time you call your friend aside and say, “It’s disappointing that you don’t seem to have much regard for my feelings and act as if it’s perfectly okay to do as you please, even when it has a negative impact on me. I know that you’re accustomed to taking charge and making things go your way, and you take pride in that. It’s great to have that kind of savvy in certain situations. But it isn’t okay for you to dismiss my rights and my feelings. I know that you may be too upset to talk about this right now, and I suggest that we talk about this after you’ve had a chance to calm down.” If you’re dealing with N-stic guru, The best course of action is to ignore his “helpful” suggestions or to offer polite thanks and move on. Do nothing that may wound his self-esteem or make him feel humiliated. Avoid direct conflict and disagreement whenever possible. Even if you feel triggered by his hyper-competitiveness or offended by the lies he tells, do not challenge him head-on. A direct challenge will most likely lead to an escalating battle for supremacy. Be open to his views without necessarily endorsing them. It also helps to have a sense of humor. If you’re not triggered by his superior or condescending manner, you might find the Know-It-All Narcissist a bit absurd and ultimately harmless. You need to truly get who the narcissist is. You need more than an intellectual literacy in his issues and life story. you also need an emotional literacy in his inner world. In other words, you need to feel what his experience of the world is like. It’s like feeling his mind inside of yours. This isn’t mind reading; this is what is known as empathy. With time, your felt sense of the narcissist’s suffering—may even deepen into compassion. This doesn't always happen. If the damage isn’t too great, you may find yourself wanting to help, comfort, accept, or even forgive. ..." 30. What to do if Someone degrades you and Puts you down?: There are many different ways to respond to narcissistic behaviors. The key is to be an adult. You can do this without bottling up or blowing up and actually respond to the narcissist as if he were just like everyone else. This can be done without inciting a defensive reaction or an attack. At the same time, you can keep your boundaries. What the narcissist really wants from you is your approval or admiration. Most people have three common reactions to narcissistic behavior: the “fight, flight, and freeze” reactions. We can become—angry/or resentful, apathetic and detached, or denigrated/and intimidated. Those who feel angry or resentful are more likely to respond to the narcissist by fighting. Those who have become apathetic or detached respond to the narcissist by flight. Those who are denigrated or intimidated are more likely to respond to the narcissist by freezing. Try to collect yourself and be mindful of your goal in communicating with the narcissist. You need to resolve that. in talking with the N, you will not lose your sense of composure. Be careful to keep calm, stay in the adult role, and try not to explode as you usually would. Model how you would like to be treated. Be clear and direct in your communication. Change almost always involves overcoming some of your own anxieties and taking risks. You will need to overcome your anxieties about change before you can begin to do things differently. A. Grandiose behavior is difficult to tolerate. Imagine, someone is actively talking down to you, turning her nose up at you, criticizing you, or excluding you, Your first instinct is probably to find some way of firing back. Try to resist this temptation. The only effective way to deal with grandiosity is to avoid joining the narcissist in the game of emotional hot potato. The narcissist is unconsciously attempting to offload bad feelings onto you. If you try to throw them back, you will only perpetuate a pattern that feels bad for everyone involved. Besides, the narcissist is much better at playing this game; She has been doing it for years. The key to dealing with grandiosity is to respond instead of to react. Reacting is usually more of a reflex than a deliberate choice. The result is not very helpful. When you respond, you give yourself space to take in what is happening and choose the best way to proceed. Narcissists are incapable of responding to feelings of insecurity in a thoughtful and balanced manner, because such feelings threaten to destabilize their false self. Your task is to do what the narcissist cannot. Take a chance and step into your own vulnerability. Allow yourself to feel the bad feelings that the narcissist’s grandiose behavior is triggering in you. If you are able to hold these feelings and not react to them, you will be able to see that they really belong to the narcissist. You’ve been given the narcissists feelings of not being smart, important, or lovable. By giving you these bad feelings, the narcissist is actually communicating something that he could never explicitly say. Once you’ve seen this, you can make a choice about how to respond. Perhaps you say nothing. You can simply ignore the grandiose behavior or neutrally change the subject. Or, perhaps you give voice to these feelings—feelings that you can hold, but the narcissist can’t. When you admit to feeling anxious, insecure, or unimportant, it gives the narcissist permission to feel the same way. Of course, this will not work for all narcissists. You can’t control anyone’s behavior but your own. this approach probably won’t work right away—and it definitely won’t work every time But it will give you the peace of mind of knowing that you are responding in an ethical, mindful, compassionate manner. Finding a way to humanize the narcissist, rather than regarding him as an irrational monster, will help you to salvage your own self-respect and avoid threatening his self-esteem any further. When someone makes you feel like a loser, you may try to turn the tables in order to shore yourself up. You might behave in defensive ways that only make you feel worse about yourself later on. You might give voice to your envy or express yourself with contempt, all with a righteous sense of justification. Coping with narcissistic traits in other people often means coming to terms with the narcissistic traits in yourself You need to get better acquainted with your own vulnerable feelings and to increase your ability to be with them...." 31. Final thoughts: How to be kind and understanding?: THE ABILITY TO EMPATHIZE, to grasp accurately how another person feels and to feel compassionate, requires us to step outside ourselves. To tune in to someone else. We turn down the noise of our own preoccupations and open ourselves to what the other person is expressing. We may or may not share his feelings, but we accept them without judgment or distortion. Even when we identify with another person’s feelings, we remain separate. We do not actually become one with the other person in moments of empathy But we do bridge the gap between two separate beings. In order to read others accurately, we must first be able to see ourselves in realistic terms And identify our own feelings. A. Empathy is the ability to sense other people’s moods or feelings. We can feel another person’s sadness because it makes us sad; we can share another’s joy because it evokes good feelings in us. But if we are incapable of feeling sadness or joy, we cannot respond to these feelings in another person. When we deny our feelings, we deny that others feel. Sympathy is when you feel sorry for someone. You can see that the person is having a difficult time, and you wish things could be different. You might offer your sympathies when someone loses a loved one, For instance. It’s a way of saying “I understand that times are tough and I feel bad for you.” Empathy, on the other hand, goes beyond just feeling sorry for someone. It involves imagining what it's like to be that person. and to see the world from his perspective. Empathy is when you place yourself in someone else’s shoes. Sympathy is something you feel about a person, while empathy is something you feel as though you were that person. Many narcissists experience feelings of emptiness or meaninglessness. Like having a big hole in the center of your being. You are perpetually preoccupied with filling this void. When it comes to empathy, narcissists have little to give because they are too busy trying to get it from others. They fail to see others as real people; in their eyes, others exist only as objects to be used. Most people try to tread lightly when someone is going through a tough time. For instance, you probably don’t go out of your way to criticize people when they are feeling sad or insecure. You know that you would not want to be treated insensitively if you were in their shoes. Narcissists, on the other hand, may only be able to provide a fleeting acknowledgment of other people’s feelings and then return to criticisms. Narcissists aren’t very good at providing comfort to others because they have difficulty stepping outside of their own feelings and concerns. For example, they may happily accept care when they are sick, but then only begrudgingly and half-heartedly return the favor. Empathy will not develop, unless the child achieves a separate sense of Self and the capacity to tolerate a range of emotions, including shame. Narcissistic people suppress shame so deeply, that it remains beneath conscious awareness And it blocks the growth of empathy. Without empathy, people have difficulty controlling aggressive impulses. When you feel empathy, you picture the event as the other person describes it. You capture the scenario in your mind, along with all of the what-ifs. You feel your own body clenching as she describes the sounds. You feel your heart rate elevating at the thought of being injured or killed. You might even recall the experience of a similar event in your own life. When the other person says that she’ll be okay and just needs a few moments to catch her breath and grab some coffee, you can completely feel her desire to seek a sense of calm and relief; it rises within you too. You get it. This is empathy. Empathizing with a narcissist is difficult. But you need to understand that the core pieces of narcissism are common to everyone. You know what it’s like to want other people to like you. You know the experience of not measuring up to another’s expectations. You’ve been angry with someone for not considering your feelings. and you’ve been envious of someone because they had something you didn’t. These are some of the thoughts and feelings that lie at the heart of narcissism and motivate narcissistic people. They are trying to feel good about themselves, to prove that they have value, but they often do so in ways that make it difficult to feel any compassion for them. Usually, we can’t see the unconscious shame that shapes their personality. Most of what they say and do is an effort to disprove what they unconsciously fear That they are small, defective and worthless.