How to Stop People Pleasing, Once and For All | Marcia Sirota | Skillshare

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How to Stop People Pleasing, Once and For All

teacher avatar Marcia Sirota, Psychiatrist, Speaker, Novelist

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Lessons in This Class

23 Lessons (1h 56m)
    • 1. Lecture 1 - Introduction: This Is Where We Begin

    • 2. Lecture 2 - What's the Reason For Being Too Nice

    • 3. Lecture 3 - What Does it Look Like to Be To Nice?

    • 4. Lecture 4 - The Connection Between Being Sensitive and Being Too Nice

    • 5. Lecture 5 - How Do We Become Too Nice (CHILDHOOD)

    • 6. Lecture 6 - How Do We Become Too Nice (ADULTHOOD)

    • 7. Lecture 7 - The Behaviours of Too Nice People

    • 8. Lecture 8 - Why Being Too Nice Doesn't Work

    • 9. Lecture 9 - How To Handle Users and Abusers

    • 10. Lecture 10 - Building Yourself Up

    • 11. Lecture 11 - How to Be Kind, Instead of Nice

    • 12. Lecture 12 - Being Too Nice Parents

    • 13. Lecture 13 - Being Too Nice To Our Own Parents

    • 14. Lecture 14 - Being Too Nice With Your Romantic Partner

    • 15. Lecture 15 - Being Too Nice With Siblings

    • 16. Lecture 16 - Being Too Nice With Friends

    • 17. Lecture 17 - Are You A Too Nice Manager

    • 18. Lecture 18 - The Dark Side of Being A Too Nice Manager

    • 19. Lecture 19 - Giving Up Being A Too Nice Manager

    • 20. Lecture 20 - Are You A Too Nice Employee

    • 21. Lecture 21 - How to Stop Being Too Nice to Your Boss

    • 22. Lecture 22 - Conclusion

    • 23. Lecture 23 - Meditations: Nuturing the Child Within

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About This Class

In this course you'll learn why people are too nice - maybe it's you! - and how to finally stop being a people-pleaser and become someone empowered and kind. You'll learn strategies for dealing with users and abusers, and how to have successful confrontations. You'll learn how to go from being afraid of judgment or rejection to confident, fearless and full of self-love.

Meet Your Teacher

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Marcia Sirota

Psychiatrist, Speaker, Novelist


Dr. Marcia Sirota is a psychiatrist and the founder of the Ruthless Compassion Institute. She has over 25 years of professional experience. Her goal is for you to be your best self and live your best life. She'll help you do this by showing you how to develop clarity, self-compassion, and empowerment in your relationships and at work. 

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1. Lecture 1 - Introduction: This Is Where We Begin: So in this course, I'm going to be talking about people pleasing and the difference between being kind and being nice and how we can shift from being too nice to being perfectly and appropriately kind. Now. I've been a therapist for a really long time, and of course I've seen a lot of human suffering. Unfortunately, one of the biggest parts of human suffering comes from people being overly nice and putting other people's needs ahead of their own. The reason that people are too nice comes from this need to be liked and affirmed by others . It's this real need for validation and approval from an external source. The problem is, it doesn't work. Being nice leads to being disrespected. People are hostile. They bully the even abuse. The problem with being nice is it gives people exactly the opposite of what they want. They want love an approval, but they get contempt, disdain and rejection. The good news is that people can give up these behaviors that are causing them suffering and learn how to get the love, respect and happiness that they want. They simply have to learn how to stop being too nice and start being truly kind 2. Lecture 2 - What's the Reason For Being Too Nice: So what does it look like to be too nice? Well, there are a lot of very kind people in the world, and there are a lot of two nice people. But being very kind isn't at all the same as being too nice kind. People are thoughtful and caring because it makes them happy to help others. Their motivations are quite different than those of two nice people. Later on, we'll go into greater detail about the differences between being kind and being too nice. Two nice people are always eager to please. They'll be polite, helpful and generous even when it's not good for them. Often they're helping rescuing and care, taking more than one person at a time. If you're someone who's too nice, you tend to put the other person before yourself. You're willing to give up what you want so that you could be there for someone else. Even when it's bad for you, you're always doing too much for others exhausting and depleting yourself. In the process. Being too nice is living your life more to please others than to take care of yourself. It's putting other people's needs and feelings ahead of your own, and it's caring more about their happiness and welfare than about your own. If you're too nice, you never have a bad word to say about anyone else. And you always find excuses for other people's bad behavior. You can always think of a good reason for why they're hurtful or rejecting to you. Often you convince yourself that it was because you weren't nice enough to them, and that just makes you try harder to please them. If you're too nice, you tend to avoid confrontation and placate the bullies around you so that they don't get angry with you. You rarely say no to any request, no matter how unreasonable it is, because you hate to think that someone would be upset or disappointed with you. You'll drop everything and run to help a friend or a family member, even when you're tired or sick or you had something else you were really planning to do, and you're always the one in the group that everyone goes to for help. You're the one everyone relies on, depends on or on burdens themselves. With an example is my patient Gina, who was a divorced grandmother who had spent her entire life, taking care of everyone else. She cooked all the holiday meals for her large extended family, and she was always running to baby sit her grandchildren, helped her adult kids or support her friends. Eventually she became completely burnt out. I needed to stop and focus just on herself. She needed to learn how to be kind and stop being so nice. 3. Lecture 3 - What Does it Look Like to Be To Nice?: So let's look at the reasons for being too nice. It can actually be quite hard to tell the difference between being a two nice person and a kind person. But here's the thing the kind person gives from their heart just for the sake of giving. Whereas the too nice person is giving with an unconscious, ulterior motive the hope of getting something in return. The kind person is filled with empathy and compassion for others while also having these feelings for themselves. But the two nice person neglects themselves and focuses solely on making others like them. And there's only one reason for this. People are too nice because they have a powerful need for love and approval from others. Their deep seated belief is that by being nice, they'll get what they need. Two nice people are driven by un unconscious need to get the affirmation and validation that was lacking in their early life. And almost always they aren't consciously aware that this is what's driving their behavior when people are too nice. It's because deep down inside they're convinced that they need other people to make them feel good about themselves. They harbor an unconscious hope that pleasing other people being good to them, avoiding confrontation and even tolerating hurtful behaviour will ultimately get them the love and approval they crave. Deep down inside, these people don't feel that they're good enough for who they are, so they seek validation from others. They believe that if they're nice enough, they'll eventually get the love and approval they need and finally start to feel good about themselves, most often to nice. People keep on doing too much for others and tolerating mistreatment from others, no matter how unsuccessful they are getting what they want. Their hope is so strong that it keeps pushing them to continue the too nice behavior, at least until they burn out completely. Or something happens to wake them up so that they can start seeing how being nice actually doesn't work. An example is Eleanor, a civil servant in her fifties who grew up with parents who couldn't give her the love and care she needed. In fact, they exploited and abused her. So in all her adult relationships, she's been a caretaker and a people pleaser looking for that external source of love and approval. Unfortunately, the more she has done for other people. The worst they have treated her. These days, she's become afraid to connect with anyone for fear of falling back into those same unhappy patterns. She needs toe, let go of being too nice and start being kind. 4. Lecture 4 - The Connection Between Being Sensitive and Being Too Nice: Sometimes people mistake Ah, highly sensitive person for someone who's being too nice, and that's quite different. About 15% of the population can be seen as highly sensitive. In her book, the highly sensitive person, psychologist Elaine Erin describes how some people just feel things more intensely and react more powerfully. This makes them extremely empathetic, and they feel other people's pain almost as strongly as their own. These highly sensitive individuals might feel the urge to do more for others because they can't tolerate seeing other people suffer. But it doesn't mean that they're too nice when highly sensitive people do things. For others, it's not the same as when two nice people do. These two groups have very different motivations. Highly sensitive people are motivated by their struggles with seeing other people suffer. Their actions are driven by a strong sense of empathy. On the other hand, the behaviors of two nice people are driven by the need for love and approval. On the surface, both groups might look similar, but they're not the same. Highly sensitive people can't tolerate disrespect and mistreatment if they're helpful to someone, and this person is hurtful to them, the highly sensitive person is much more likely to walk away than the too nice person. They simply have no reason to stick around and be hurt. The two nice person, though, has such a strong need for love and approval that they'll tolerate being mistreated. They'll minimize or rationalize the other person's bad behavior and hope that if they just keep on being nice, eventually the other person will give them the love and approval they seek. This will make them stick around even when they're being hurt. The highly sensitive person has no deep psychological need to keep on pleasing or being around someone who's hurtful. Their embassy shuts down when the other person is ungrateful, takes them for granted or starts to exploit their generosity. An example is Bob, a 45 year old professional who feels things very deeply. The way we can tell that he's too nice as opposed to ah, highly sensitive person is that he keeps on trying to please his supervisor at work, even when she takes advantage of him and fails to support him and promote him 5. Lecture 5 - How Do We Become Too Nice (CHILDHOOD): Now I'm going to talk about the childhood experiences that lead someone to becoming a two nice people pleaser in their adult life. Every child needs unconditional love and approval from their caregivers. This doesn't mean being spoiled, coddled or over protected. It means being made to feel like they're good enough like they really matter, like their feelings and opinions count and that their efforts are worthwhile. We all need to feel valued and cherished in order to grow up with a strong sense of self love and self worth. The way we learn self love is from having been loved as a child. The way we learn self esteem is from having been valued as a child. Psychologically, we tend to internalize all the unspoken and spoken messages we hear while growing up. Ideally, these messages are mostly positive, and we become adults with self love and good self worth. Sadly, if we don't hear enough positive messages while growing up, or if the ones we here are lukewarm, negative, critical or even rejecting, we grow into adults who lack self worth. We feel inadequate, not good enough, and definitely not lovable just for who we are. If We don't receive enough love and approval during childhood or if we grow up lacking validation and affirmation, we end up craving these things as adults. These are fundamental needs that we really can't live without if we don't get them in childhood, were driven to look for them as adults. It's painful to feel unlovable, inadequate and unworthy, so we're powerfully motivated to try as adults to find what's lacking in our lives. The problem is that most of this happens on an unconscious level. Developing self love and self esteem actually happened on very subtle ways. We're loved and nurtured in childhood, and then we grow up feeling lovable and worthwhile. It's kind of an automatic process. Equally, if we don't get the love and approval we need, we grow up feeling unlovable and unworthy. The problem is, we're not conscious of how we feel about ourselves. It's only our actions that indicate to us how we really feel. If we have a good sense of self love and self worth, it shows in how we handle our relationships, our education and our career. As adults, we tend not to fall apart when a relationship ends because we don't take it personally when were rejected. We feel lovable and desirable, and we figure that this didn't work out, but that someone else is out there who will love us, and that will probably meet them. Pretty soon, when we've had good love and approval in childhood were more likely to try new things at school, and work will take risks and experiment. And even if we fall down or we fail, we won't take it personally as a sign of our own inadequacy were able to tolerate failure and mistakes and keep on going because we believe in ourselves. Not surprisingly, this positive attitude leads to trying more things, more success and then better self esteem. If, however, we have grown up without enough self love or self esteem, we tend to take it personally. When a relationship breaks up, we feel that it happened because there was something missing in us or because we did something wrong, and that makes it even harder to approach another relationship. A vicious circle can happen in which we get hurt in love. We then feel worse about ourselves, and then we avoid relationships altogether or if our self esteem is really low weaken, settle for people who aren't very kind to us, thinking that this must be the best that we can do. Being mistreated and love further lowers our self esteem at school and at work. Those of us with low self worth hesitate to stick out our neck as we're afraid to fail. Every failure only reinforces our sense of inadequacy and incompetence. Even the mistakes make us feel there must be something wrong with us, so we don't try us hard and we don't persevere. And then, of course, we're likely to have less success, which only adds to our low sense of self worth. And again, remember, all of this happens on an unconscious level. We internalize self love and self worth unconsciously, and we walked through life either with high or low self esteem, not really aware of which one we have. It's only our choices and our actions that might indicate toe others and even to ourselves , which type we possess for the same reason. Fixing our self love and self esteem also tends to happen more subtly. And because these processes are mainly unconscious, we don't tend to go about them in a logical, rational manner. The psyche can be seen as having three aspect the child we once were, who now resides in our unconscious mind, and we can call this the child within. There's also the adult self who we are today, and the third aspect is the accumulation of all the internalize messages from our parent figures. We can call this the inner parent. If it's mainly critical, we can call it the inner critic. The adult self is the part of our psyche that we're consciously aware of. But the other two aspect the child and the parent within are mostly unconscious. If we received enough positive messages of love and validation as a child, the child within us will feel good about themselves. Our adult self will be secure and confident, and our inner parent will simply be the voice of our conscience, keeping us on the right track and reminding us to do the right thing. If, however, we didn't receive enough positive messages while growing up, or if we received too many negative ones, the child within us will feel unlovable and inadequate. Our adult self will feel weak and incompetent, and we lack confidence and our inner parent will be critical and undermining more of an inner critic than an inner guide. You can see how this would be a painful way to live and that you'd want to correct the situation. The problem is that it's the child within that carries the hurts and losses of childhood. And this is the part of our psyche that's driven to fix the problems of poor self love and low self esteem. The child within is the child we once were, and it remains inside us forever. It's the part of our psyche that needs love and approval, and that believes incorrectly that being too nice is the way to make up for the lack of these things in childhood. Like all Children, the child within is illogical and irrational. It goes after solutions that makes sense in their mind. But that don't work in the real world. The only way for us to stop being too nice is to become aware of the child within and the unmet needs it's carrying that will enable us to take over fixing the problem in a way that makes sense and actually works. I'll talk about some of these real solutions to being too nice later on. So if we aren't conscious of the child within, that's pushing us to be too nice. It's going to keep driving this behaviour because it believes that this is how will finally get the love and approval we need. It keeps doing this because the child within is stubborn and persistent and has irrational hope. I call this hope, pathological hope or the hope that if we keep doing the same thing over and over, eventually it's going to work. But as the old saying goes, more of the wrong thing doesn't make it right. The child within keeps driving us to be too nice, even when it isn't bringing us love and approval or it's getting us hurt. The answer is to find a real solution for the love and approval were lacking. An example is Clarence, a 40 year old office worker who grew up with an absent father and a smothering, emotional, needy mother. As a child, Clarence came to believe that if he took care of his mother emotionally, she would love him and care for him. Today, Clarence does the same thing with the women in his life. And even with his colleagues and supervisors, of course, he needs to learn how to stop that and see that he could be loved just for who he is. 6. Lecture 6 - How Do We Become Too Nice (ADULTHOOD): There are also adult experiences that lead to are becoming too nice. Adults need meaningful work, positive relationships and enjoyable fulfilling pastimes. Human beings are basically social animals who are made to connect. So if we struggle in our relationships, it's most likely because of wounds incurred in childhood. One of the ways we can struggle in our relationships isn't feeling undeserving of love and care. If we were unlucky enough to grow up with the lack of love or with any type of abuse, will probably grow into adults who suffer from a lack of self esteem as well. Children tend to take everything personally. Now this works well when were given the love and care we need while growing up. As then, we become confident adults with a strong sense of self worth. However, if we're neglected or mistreated in any way, while growing up will probably end up feeling like there must be something about us that deserve this. If we grow up feeling inadequate, undeserving of love or unworthy of care, we're going to struggle more with our relationships. We're going to feel that we have to earn other people's love or do something to deserve their attention, and this is where being too nice comes in when we're too nice. We try to get other people to love us and approve of us by focusing on their needs and feelings and by being really helpful and generous toward them. The problem with this is that when we put the other person ahead of ourselves and make ourselves super useful to them, we turn ourselves into an object to be used by others as opposed to a person to be loved and valued, the more we do. For others, the less were seen as someone deserving of love and respect. The truth is that being too nice backfires on us. The more generous we are, the more were taken for granted. The more helpful we are, the more were exploited and disrespected. The nicer we are, the worst were treated. A vicious circle is created when we're too nice. People have little or no respect for us. The criticism and rejection hurts. So for a two nice person, the only answer is to be even more nice. We hold on to something called pathological hope, a false hope that eventually being nice will bring us the love and approval that we've been looking for, the more were mistreated, The nicer we are. And you can imagine where this those other people take advantage of us mistreat us, drank us dry until we burn out. We get so exhausted that we need to stop and do nothing. But, sadly, if we don't take advantage of this quiet time to gain insight and reflect on our two nice behavior, once we're done, resting were likely to start up the cycle all over again as adults. Being too nice simply doesn't work, but because of this were compelled to repeat the behavior over and over again. We hold on to the pathological hope that if we're just nice enough, eventually we'll finally get what we need. And in this way we become doomed toe, a lifelong cycle of being too nice being hurt and people pleasing some more. An example is Joanne, a 36 year old writer who keeps getting into the same kinds of relationships over and over again. This happens most often with her boyfriends. She chooses man who take advantage of her, and she's unfailingly good to them. The relationships tend to end with her feeling hurt and upset. But then she repeats the cycle with the next guy. It's almost like she has a radar for men who would be most likely to use her and abuse her . 7. Lecture 7 - The Behaviours of Too Nice People: So what are the behaviors of two nice people? There are several, and people who are too nice can exhibit any or all of the following behaviors that I'm going to be discussing most to. Nice people actually engage in several of these as all these behaviors feed into the need for love and approval and the fear of rejection. The first behavior I want to discuss is caring too much about what other people think, and especially what other people think about the people pleaser. Being too nice is about trying to find love and approval. So it stands to reason that the two nice person will be obsessed with what other people think. An example is Alex, a 50 year old divorced man who had a really hard time hearing anything he felt might be a criticism. He was extremely defensive because he took everything to heart. He needed people to see him in the best possible light and when they didn't get upset him tremendously, especially because he spent most of his time trying to please others. The next example of the behavior of two nice people is trying to do everything perfectly. The two nice person is so afraid of criticism and rejection because their self esteem depends on being approved, Oven praised. So they try to be perfect in everything they do in order to make sure that they will never experience any negative feedback. An example of this is Genevieve, a 34 year old artist who drove herself crazy with her perfectionism. She would overwork all her paintings, trying to get them perfect. Or she'd get paralyzed with anxiety when she didn't know how to execute a piece of work as perfectly as possible. Another behavior of two nice people is always doing too much for others. The two nice person is so worried that they won't be liked and approved of that. They overdo things, taking on more than they should to try and make sure that the other person will give them what they're looking for. An example of this is Lydia, a 56 year old office worker who comes in early, stays late and even spends time at the office on the weekends, hoping that this will get her colleagues and supervisors to approve of her. At home, she drives her mother around to all her errands and appointments does all her mom's cooking and even takes care of her mother's cat. She over does everything, hoping for everyone's approval. Another behavior of two nice people is never expressing their real feelings or needs and never expressing their anger, frustration or disappointment. The two nice person doesn't want to burden anyone else with their needs or make the person angry at them for expressing feelings that this other person might not want to hear. They'll keep their feelings and needs to themselves and let them fester inside. The two nice person is so afraid of making the other person angry that they'll shut down their own feelings of frustration, anger or disappointment. They don't want to alienate the other person or be rejected by them. An example of never expressing true feelings or needs is Jeff, a 47 year old factory worker who loves to play the guitar. He's always wanted to be in a band, but he'd never pursue this dream because it might inconvenience other people. He lives with his mother and brother and feels obligated to help out at home. He can't tell anyone about his dream or even Goto on audition. In his mind that would be too selfish. Martha is another example. She's a 60 year old married woman. Her husband is emotionally cold and unresponsive. She wishes he were more loving and affectionate. But she can't tell him how hurt and lonely his behavior makes her feel. She's terrified to make him so angry that he'll be even more closed off to her. Another behavior of two nice people is passive aggression. It seems paradoxical, but I'll explain shortly. Lionel, for example, is a 34 year old home renovator who always stuffed down his negative emotions. He lives with a girlfriend who's extremely messy, and it drives him crazy. But he's afraid to tell her how he feels for fear that she might leave him. Lionel is furious on the inside, but his girlfriend has no idea how he really feels. Lionel ends up leaking his anger by being passive aggressive. This kind of behavior is when we're afraid to express our anger directly in our words, so it comes out in our actions indirectly. In Lionel's case, he accidentally on purpose, drops his girlfriend's favorite plate when drying the dishes. He forgets to pay the bill. She asked him to pay online, and he leaves the bottom drawers open so that she bangs her shin against them when she walks through the room. Another behavior of two nice people is placating and avoiding confrontation. The two nice person is terrified of the other person's anger, criticism or possible rejection so they will avoid arguing with someone else. The two nice person needs to be liked and approved of, so they always try to keep the atmosphere pleasant. They will do their best to try and calm down someone who's angry. If someone is upset with them, the two nice person will immediately give in and gives this other person what they want. The two nice person will go along with anything and everything if it gets the other person to settle down. If the other person suspects that the two nice person is upset about something, maybe because of their inadvertent, passive aggressive behavior, perhaps the two nice person will deny it. They will insist that everything is fine in order to keep the peace. They won't say no for fear that it will make the other person angry. They'll go along with something they don't actually agree with and they'll do something they don't really want to do as long as it gets the other person to stop being angry or upset. An example of this is Laura, a 45 year old homemaker who lives with a bully of a husband. Whenever he starts up with her, she Smoothes things over and gives into whatever he wants. She keeps hoping that this will make him love her, but really, it only makes him treat her worse. Another behavior of two nice people is wearing a pleasant mask. The two nice person can't let on when they're angry, hurt or unhappy. So they pretend to be fine when they're not. The other person on Lee sees the mask of pleasantness and contentment the nice person is wearing and has no idea how angry or unhappy they might be. An example is Darla, a 27 year old graphic designer. She has the reputation in her circle of acquaintances, of being the most easy going happy, friendly person. She never has a bad thing to say about anyone or anything. The problem is that Darla is really angry and unhappy deep down inside, and nobody knows it. She's terrified to let on how she feels. So her negative feelings buildup within her. She feels isolated and alienated from everyone because no one really knows her. It's pure misery. Another behavior of two nice people is being a compulsive helper, really a human doing instead of a human being. If you're too nice, you need others to give you love and approval for reasons I'll explain a bit later. This really doesn't work. So you become a compulsive helper, never letting up in the hopes that eventually all your people pleasing will do the trick. An example is Aaron, a 40 ish law clerk who never stopped doing for others until, but she became so burnt out that she needed to quit work and go on long term disability before she left work. She never stopped doing for others. From the moment she woke up in the morning until the moment she went to bed at night, the problem was that she didn't actually connect on a feeling level with anyone. She was more of a machine doing and doing and doing. Nobody knew her or felt close to her, but they definitely took advantage of all that she did for them. Another behavior of two nice people is being a compulsive rescuer. Even more than a helper. The too nice person will want to go in and rescue other people from their problems. The two nice person figures that this kind of heroism is much more likely to get them what they're looking for. Sadly, it's no more successful than any of their other misguided behaviors. Melinda is an example of this. She's a 32 year old chef who was always trying to bail out her co workers when they get into trouble. Her colleagues are a troubled group involved in drugs, infidelity and other questionable behaviors. She tries her best to fix things for them, even though often she ends up in trouble, missing work or losing money for her efforts. The saddest thing is that no one appreciates her efforts. Everyone takes her for granted and expect her to keep on rescuing them as she's been doing this for a long time. It even encourages them toe act out irresponsibly as they know that Melinda will be there to pick up the pieces. The last behavior I want to discuss is protecting people from the consequences of their actions. The two nice person is afraid of being disliked and rejected so they won't do anything that they feel might make people upset with them. They won't give people consequences for their bad behavior because this might take the other person off. They'll allow the other person to get away with really bad behavior rather than risk making the other person angry with them. An example of this is Dana, a 57 year old librarian. Her husband is an alcoholic who drinks so heavily that he often passes out at night on the couch. Dana always cleans him up and tucks him into bed. Unfortunately, by doing this, her husband never learns that his drinking is bad for him and for his wife. And he's never motivated to clean himself up. The more Dana deprives her husband of the consequences of his heavy drinking, the more unhappy they both are. Another example is marrying a 45 year old mother of three. She's afraid to discipline her Children for fear that they'll dislike her. As a result, they're all running wild, staying up until all hours of the night, not doing their homework or cleaning their rooms they fight with each other and mouth off at their parents. Life at home is chaotic and married and just doesn't know what to do. Obviously, she needs to stop being a people pleaser and start becoming kind and not nice. 8. Lecture 8 - Why Being Too Nice Doesn't Work: there are many reasons why being too nice doesn't work. First of all, you can't buy love. Love and approval are given freely or not at all. Either someone can love you and approve of you, or they can't either. Someone can understand and accept you for who you are or they can't. This is really about what the other person is capable of, not about your value as a human being. We're all inherently lovable and acceptable. But not everyone will love us and accept us. We need to look for those people who can love and accept us for who we are and stop trying to make people do what they can't do. An example of this is George, a 49 year old businessman. He's been trying to get this woman in his social circle Jane, to go out with him, but she won't. Jane is much more interested in Tony. George can't understand this because he bends over backwards to please Jane, whereas Tony does very little and James crazy about him. What George needs to understand is that Jane likes Tony just because she likes him and that nothing George does. We'll get her to change her mind. Another reason why being too nice doesn't work is that you're seen as an object and treated like one. Like I mentioned before, when you're a people pleaser helper, a rescuer or just too darn nice, you turn yourself into a human doing instead of a human being. And many people will see you that way, too, instead of value and you as a person, they'll see you as a useful object that they can use and then discard when you're no longer necessary. When you're a human doing instead of a human being, the people around you can't see the real you that can only see what you're doing for them. The more you do, the more of an object you become in their eyes, kind of like a chair or a can opener. You'll find yourself surrounded by people who only see you as helpful and who only want to use you. They'll never see you as someone worthy of love, respect or care, and certainly not worthy of good treatment. One example of this is Howard, a 65 year old retired clerk. He has spent his whole life being too nice to others his acquaintance of See Him is extremely useful. But he complains that everyone expects them to do their extra work and that no one is interested in really getting to know him. He's made himself so useful that people are only interested in what he can do for them. Another reason why being too nice doesn't work is that you alienate the kind people. Now you might think that the really kind, caring people in the world would appreciate all the efforts of the nice person and would give you the love and approval you need. But unfortunately, that's not the case. Kind. People will be put off by all your helping and please and behaviors. And this is because the more you do for others, unless they are able to see the real you. Anyone interested in getting to know who you really are will be frustrated by all your helpful and pleasing behaviors. They'll want to get to know you, but all they'll see is the stuff that you do for them. It can be extremely frustrating and off putting you will seem to them inauthentic and a kind person will have a sense that intimacy would be very difficult or impossible with you . Another reason why being too nice doesn't work is that it backfires. Everyone who's too nice is trying to get love and approval, but they're all eventually going to fail because, as I said before, people will only give you love and approval. If they're able to do this and not because you're trying to make them do it, people will give you love. If they see something in you that opens their heart, they'll give you approval if there's something that they admire in you. But this requires that they actually see the real you, as opposed to someone who's just a pleaser doing what you think they want you to do. Not only does people pleasing fail to give you the love or approval you crave, you will end up mainly with disrespect. If you present yourself as a helpful object, people were only ever see you as an object. You'll probably never be seen as a person deserving of respect lover care. And even if the other person coincidentally manages to give you the love and approval you want, it's sadly won't satisfy you because your need for love and approval can't actually be met by another person. I'll get into this in a little while, so you will end up being frustrated and keep on trying to be nice, hoping incorrectly that eventually you'll get what you need. Another reason why being too nice doesn't work is that it creates a vicious circle. When you're too nice and you don't get the positive response you're looking for. You're convinced that the only way someone can like you is if you keep doing the things toe , earn their affection. In this way, the vicious circle can take over your life. The less love and approval you get, the harder you'll try to be nice. The harder you try to be nice, the less love and approval you'll get. You can keep on going with this vicious circle until the other person walks away, or until you get so frustrated and exhausted that either you start leaking anger or you become burnt out and have to give it up. An example is Caroline, who couldn't stop being too nice to her new boyfriend, Joan. He became more and more uncomfortable with her behavior and began to withdraw emotionally. She felt rejected. So she upped her people pleasing that just got him or uncomfortable, and he withdrew more. Caroline became resentful that she was doing so much for Joan. With so few results, her anger started leaking out and passive aggressive behavior until finally John ended things completely. Another reason why being too nice doesn't work is that since the rial you isn't impossible for anyone to know. You're always lonely when you're too nice. It's your actions that people see. You know, your true personality. They might enjoy all the things that you're doing for them, but they can't know the real you, as I mentioned before and since two nice people don't express their needs or feelings. Clearly, it's almost impossible for other people to understand who is the too nice person. And what do they really want, Even if the other person isn't hurtful to you? Even if they appreciate your niceness, they can't ever know the real you, and it can be extremely, extremely lonely. Two nice people are best appreciated for their usefulness and helpfulness, and at worst they're disrespected and exploited. They can't be known, so they can't be loved for who they are. So even in a romantic relationship. The two nice person can never feel love for themselves. How incredibly sad to spend so much energy, trying to get love and then never to be loved for who you really are. It's desperately lonely, and it really does backfire. An example of this was Lena, a 45 year old admin assistant. She was starting to date a man Joe, But whenever he'd ask her, What do you want to do for dinner? Her people pleasing response to be whatever you like. Whenever he asked her what movie she wanted to see, she'd always answer whatever you want to see Joe try and tried, but he never got a sense of what Lena was really like a za person. He had no idea what she enjoyed, but she was interested in what she hoped for what bothered her. He wanted to get to know her, but she was like a blank slate, always deferring to him. Eventually he got so frustrated that he had to break up with her. Another reason why being too nice doesn't work. Is that really you are the only person who can fill that void within you. You're the only person who could give yourself the love and approval you need to feel better about yourself. It's not that we should expect nothing of others. We all need support, understanding and care. We can all benefit from validation, encouragement and reassurance. What we can't benefit from is exclusively external sources of love and approval. We all need self love and self acceptance, and without these things, no amount of love or approval from others will do. We can receive lots, and lots of approval for all are helping and pleasing and rescuing. But because it's coming from the outside, it never satisfies and never feels like enough. The fact is, an inner emotional wound can only be healed by doing inner emotional work. If we have an emotional wound from not having been given enough love or approval as a child , the only way to heal that wound is to develop self love and self acceptance. In fact, it's about self healing, and I'll talk more about this of it later on. A final example of this is Jessica, a 43 year old musician who spent most of her adult life being too nice. She entered therapy because she was burned out at work and frustrated in her personal relationships. She was able to use the therapy to connect with the child within her and give herself the love and care she always needed. She was able to fill herself up with self love and self acceptance, and as a result she was able to stop being too nice. 9. Lecture 9 - How To Handle Users and Abusers: So the next section I'm going to talk about is how to handle the users and the abusers in your life. Now it's important to identify these people around you, and there are typical behaviors of users and abusers. They tend to be two types of people. Either they're rude, insensitive bullies coercing you to give them what they want or their smooth operators, con artists who manipulate you into doing their bidding. They could be pushy, threatening, hostile, insulting and undermining. They can guilt you and shame you into doing what they want. They can make you feel obligated to them like it's your duty to please them. They'll complain about pretty much anything that you say or do, making you feel worse and worse, it of yourself. They can tell you not to bother trying new things because you're doing to fail. They can also, however, be seductive, charismatic, charming Flatterer who tell you what you want to hear and get you believing that they really care about you. But they do this in order to suck you dry. They pretend to love you or value U, but they're only doing it to use you. These can be a friend, a lover, a boss, a colleague or even a family member. Sadly so, whether bullies or charmers, both types of users are emotional vampires, draining you of your time, your energy, even your money to get what they want from you. There are typical things that users and abusers say. They can tell you, for example, that you're ugly, stupid or useless, that you'll never amount to anything that you need them because no one else would waste their time on you. They can tell you that you should be grateful that they're willing to bother with you, that you owe them for their patience and tolerance with you, and that you're responsible to make it up to them. They can tell you that no one else will ever care about you, that your needs are too much and your feelings are ridiculous. They can tell you that you're nothing without them, and that if they leave, you'll end up on the street. An example is Lisa, a 45 year old office worker married to a narcissistic man who constantly belittled her and at the same time expected her to be the breadwinner, homemaker and sole person responsible for child rearing. Lisa supported her husband financially and took care of all the family duties, and yet he constantly let her know how useless and worthless she waas. When she came to therapy, she learned what a user and abuser her husband, Waas, and she was finally able to see the truth and leave the relationship. It's important to recognize when you're being taken advantage off when you're being bullied , mistreated or disrespected. The thing you need to know is that people who care about you will treat you with respect, and people who respect you will treat you with care. Positive people never make you feel bad about yourself, and they never make you doubt your worth or your abilities. They also never manipulate U Conn you or trick you into doing their bidding. Caring, respectful people make you feel intelligent, confident and special. On the other hand, hurtful people make you feel ugly, stupid and worthless or guilty and obligated to them. Healthy relationships always go two ways at work. You should be reasonably paid for your efforts and rewarded with acknowledgement and praise for a job well done, you shouldn't be overworked, micromanaged, constantly made to feel bad about yourself or filled with more and more self doubt. If your workplace is making you feel this way, it's probably an abusive workplace in your personal relationships. There should always be given take. You should receive as much as you give. It's not a tit for tat situation, but rather a natural flow of energy whereby you're always giving and receiving from one another. If your personal relationship is to one side or if your friend or partner causes you to never feel good enough about yourself, you're probably with a user or abuser. Now the charmers are a little bit harder toe identify because at least initially they can sound like people who sincerely care about you and respect you. They could be very sweet on the surface, But the key to identifying the rial kind people from the users and abusers is that the rial kind people are consistent and they're not pushing any agenda. Users and abusers flatter you in order to get you to give them what they want. Sometimes they'll seem nice, and sometimes they'll seem cold or cruel. When people are hot and cold with you, or you suspect that there only being nice in order to get what they want from you. They're most likely users and abusers. Truly kind. People don't do these things. It's important to be able to say no without guilt or feeling the need to apologize. You have a right to set limits and to say no. Your needs and feelings are as valid as anyone else's, even if the other person tells you otherwise. Often to nice. People are afraid of saying, though, because they think that the other person will get mad at them or reject them. What you need to understand is that anyone who cares about you or respects you will be able to accept a no from you. Any reasonable person will be able to tolerate you saying no to them. If someone gets angry, tries to convince you to change your mind or tries to make you feel bad for saying no. This is important information about them. It shows you how unreasonable they are and how they're pushing their needs and feelings ahead of your own. So how do you express your needs and feelings without guilt, shame or feeling un entitled? It can be scary to imagine telling other people what you feel and what you need from them. The first thing to know is that you should only do this with people you feel comfortable with and whom you trust and professional relationships. You always need to be strategic. Don't forget your boss isn't your friend or your family member, and they aren't necessarily interested in your feelings. If you need something from your boss, you have to show them that giving you what you've asked for will enhance your performance or be advantageous for the company. You also have to ask at the right time. If the business is being restructured, it's probably not the right time to ask for a raise or a long vacation. If your boss is in the middle of something important and feeling really, Harry, it's probably not the time to get into a discussion about your career goals. If you've been having a problem with a colleague, it's not appropriate to discuss it in the lunch room. The right time and place are as important as the right context for bringing up things to your boss in your personal relationships that time to bring up your feelings and needs is when you've developed a degree of closeness and trust with the other person, you'll take the chance to share these things with them because they've shown you over time through their words and their actions, that they care about you and respect you. Far too often, we bring up our needs and feelings in the wrong contexts and things will go badly. And this only reinforces our fears of expressing ourselves to others in the future. An example is Rhona, a woman who went to her boss and told him that she needed a personal day because she was grieving the loss of her pet cat. Not surprisingly, the boss did not appreciate that if Ronan's boss was a huge cat lover and wrote a new this and then she told him that she'd make up the time off, she might have been able to get away with it. Or she might have simply asked for a sick day without getting into the particulars. In personal relationships, if you don't know someone very well, or if you've seen them behaving insensitively toward you or towards someone else, it's probably not the right time to open up about your own needs and feelings. You should wait and get to know them better. See if this apparent insensitivity was a one time aberration or the typical behavior of this person. You need to find out who this person is. If they care about you, they'll be happy to hear about your needs and feelings. And you need to find out by watching and observing whether or not they do care about you. In family relationships were often in denial about how people feel toward us. For example, Dave, a 46 year old salesman, has some issues with his family. His mother has always been quite cold and selfish, but Dave didn't want to face this painful truth. He experienced a difficult loss in his life, and he went to his mother and told her his troubles. He asked for comfort and reassurance, but his mother did what she always does. She let him down. Now this doesn't mean that they shouldn't go to people for support. It means that he should choose more wisely, whom he goes to. If his mother has always been this way, she's probably not the person to turn to in his time of need when we're feeling vulnerable , we need to share our needs and feelings with people who have shown us that they could be there for us. We have to face the reality of all our relationships, even those with our close family members. If someone hasn't been able to respond with sensitivity to our needs and feelings in the past, it's unlikely that they'll be able to do it today. So how do we stop engaging with unreasonable people? The thing is, we have a tendency to see people for who we wish they were, not who they actually are. If Dave, for example, keeps turning to his cold fish mother for nurturing and support, he'll keep on being disappointed. He needs to see her for who she is, so that he can stop being frustrated and start finding people to seek out the support that he needs and deserves. Some people are simply not interested in being there for us. If we try over and over to get them to change, it will just make us miserable. Instead of repeatedly wasting our time and energy, we need to see these people for who they are and let it go. There's no value in banging our heads against the wall. No, some people are so unreasonable that they don't take no for an answer. They will try to convince us to change our mind, either by sweet talking us, tricking us or pressuring us into doing what they want. The thing is, people who care about us and respect us are fine when we say no on occasion, even if we disagree with them and they disagree with us. Even if they don't like the disagreement, a caring, respectful person will always accept it. When we say no, if they don't, we learned something about them. If a person doesn't take no for an answer there, most likely someone that will never be able to negotiate with in good faith, we'll never be able to get our needs met with the kind of person like this. They'll never stop doing the things that will bother us. And therefore they're never someone toe waste our time with. No, some people will get angry at us when we try to set a limit. An example is Bella. She had a boyfriend, Marty, who was a big flirt. They go out for dinner and he'd engage the servers in playful banter at every restaurant they ate in. Bella felt humiliated and really wasn't having any of it. She told Marty that his flirting bothered her, and she needed him to stop. Well, Marty got angry at Bella, telling her that she was quote unquote, too sensitive, that she was overreacting and that he was just being friendly. He told Bella that she was being controlling. Bella was a former people pleaser who in the past would have believed Marty and would have shut up and allowed him to continue flirting with the servers instead. After some good therapy, Bella realized that she was entitled to being treated with respect. She realized that her feelings and needs were valid and that she had a right to express herself and toe. Ask her partner to stop doing something that bothered her. Bella also realized that Marty's behavior toward her told her much more about whom art iwas than about the validity of her own needs and feelings. Bella was able to see that Marty was the unreasonable one, the one who wasn't willing to consider her needs or feelings. Bella saw that Marty was so invested in being able to continue flirting with the servers, that he was trying to shut down his girlfriend's very reasonable request. No, some people will try to talk us out of our feelings and needs, and that's not right. A reasonable person will respect our feelings and needs and accept us for who we are. Maybe our needs and there's art incompatible. But then the other person should leave and not force us to change how we feel or what we need. If they make us change, who we are and what we express will never be happy. Some people will become defensive when we call them on things. They'll tell us that were over sensitive, that we misunderstood them, that we're trying to control them like I talked about in those previous examples. But this kind of person is unreasonable and will never respect us or really care about us. It's best to walk away. Another example was ASHA. She was in a relationship with Tom. ASHA started growing disillusioned with Tom as he was constantly telling her that she was trying to control him when she expressed her needs or feelings. The truth was that Tom was the controlling one. ASHA had every right to tell her partner how she was feeling in what she needed. His unreasonable reactions showed her that he would never be able to respond appropriately to her feelings or to meet her needs. It was a relationship that had no future. 10. Lecture 10 - Building Yourself Up: in this section. I'm going to talk about building yourself up. There are a number of ways to build ourselves up. The first I want to discuss his self compassion. Don't forget your people, please, and comes from the desire to feel better about yourself. What you need instead is self compassion, and what this means is seeing yourself honestly. But kindly, self compassion is recognizing that you don't have to be a perfect person to be a good one or a lovable one. It's seeing that you are loveable and acceptable, just as you are, and there's nothing you have to do to earn other people's love or approval. Self compassion is an attitude of loving kindness towards yourself, an attitude that the people who raised you ought to have instilled in you. Self compassion is not beating yourself up for the mistakes you've made or being burdened by guilt or shame about some of the choices you've made. It's knowing that you're just like everyone else, and that you've been doing the best that you could. Self compassion is wanting to be the best version of yourself that you can be, but not feeling inadequate because you aren't there. Yet it's knowing that everyone's life is a work in progress and that everyone, including yourself, has unique talents as well as areas for improvement. Another aspect of building yourself up is self respect. Self respect is seeing yourself as a person who deserves good things and who doesn't deserve to be created badly. When you respect yourself, you take the best care of yourself, and you expect other people to treat you with courtesy and consideration. When you respect yourself, you show others how they ought to treat you. The next step in building yourself up isn't rebuilding your confidence. The best way to do this is by trying things and doing things. You have to use your struggles and failures as learning opportunities rather than indications of your inadequacies. And you have to acknowledge always your successes so that you can build on them. The more you do these things, the more confident you will become. An example is Belinda, a 37 year old chef who was always doing for others. She was extremely talented and amazing problem solver, but her confidence was very low. Her problem was that she never gave herself credit for her accomplishments and never acknowledged her success. She had to learn to do these things in order to give up her too nice behavior. Another step in building yourself up is in regaining your self esteem. If you didn't get the love nurturing and validation, you need it. As a child, you're probably going to have lower self esteem than you could have. Fortunately, it's possible to build up your self esteem. You do this in two ways. First, you do what I call the inner work, and this is talking to the child within, affirming and validating them in the same way as you needed to be validated and affirmed as a child. If you need more information about how to do this, you can read my book. Emotional Overeating. Now, on the surface, this book is about overcoming food addiction, but in essence, it's a book about healing and nurturing the child Within. The second way to build up your self esteem is to do good things in the world. You can be creative, productive, compassionate toward others, or you can achieve some measure of academic or career success. All of these things will build up your self esteem The next step in building yourself up is to discover your unique talents and abilities. The fact is, everyone has skills. Everyone has their own unique gifts. Instead of focusing on what you can't do or what you struggle with, it's a good idea to recognize your own set of positive attributes. This will make you feel better about yourself. An example is Kate, a 32 year old nursing student who always focused on what she couldn't do very well. Instead of giving herself the credit for what she was good at. She'd never been great at math, but she was tremendously compassionate with other people. Kate needed to acknowledge her people skills as a really gift. Once she did this. Interestingly, she was able to focus more on her mouth and improve her grades. Another step in building yourself up is in exploring your authentic needs and goals. Everyone has their own individual wants and needs their hopes and dreams, goals and aspirations, and you need to discover your own. When you pursue the things that really matter to you, you'll feel happier, more fulfilled, and you'll feel better about yourself. An example of this is George, a 56 year old clerk who had always done what everyone else expected off him and understandably, wasn't a very happy person. Through therapy, he began to think about what he really wanted in his life. He shifted his goals from pleasing others, and he began to pursue his dreams. He figured better late than never, and interestingly, his level of happiness and contentment immediately increased. The next step in building yourself up is becoming comfortable with not pleasing other people. People who are too nice are always convinced that this is what will get them the love and approval they need. So it can be scary to imagine stopping the behavior. You need to understand that being too nice is pretty much guaranteed not to give you what you want. You need to see that the only way to find love and to be happy is to be your authentic, genuine self. And then anyone out there who's ableto love you, we love you. There's really nothing to do except be your very best self. An example is Riva, an artist in her thirties, she'd had a series of extremely unsatisfying relationships beginning in her twenties, and she was becoming frustrated with what she saw as a repeating pattern of doing too much for the women she was dating. She felt exploited and never have her feelings reciprocated. Riva began therapy and learned about her problem with being too nice. She started the work of self healing and self nurturing, and her sense of self worth increased significantly. She started to be comfortable, not pleasing others, and then she met someone new. And instead of falling back into her old patterns, she was able to be herself. Her new partner. Light her for who she waas, and their relationship is still going strong. Three years later, the next step in building yourself up is being able to tolerate other people's anger, disappointment or disapproval. If you're too nice, you've been depending on other people for your sense of self worth. For this reason, it can be scary toe. Imagine making someone angry at you or disappointing them. You're afraid that they might withdraw their approval. The truth is, people who really like you and care about you won't stop liking you or caring about you if you disappoint them on occasion, or if you makes a mad that one then those are actually aspect of normal, healthy relationships. You need to see that the way to discover who really cares about you and who is just using you or even abusing you is to be your in perfect self. Yes, you're going to mess up on occasion. And yes, they're going to be upset with you now and then. But just as you wouldn't throw away a perfectly good friend for the occasional misstep someone who cares about you wouldn't do that to you either. The way to find out who really cares about you as opposed to just using you, is toe watch how they respond to your mistakes. If they're patient and tolerant and they stick around, this means that they actually care about you and always have. But if they come down really hard on you or if they walk away from you, if you've messed up a little bit, this probably means that they never really cared about you and that you're better off without them. So making a mistake or messing up is actually a blessing in disguise, as it will help you to see who are your true friends and who are your frenemies. The next step in building yourself up is to go after what you want without feeling guilty or fearful. If you're someone who's been to nice, you've probably become convinced that being nice is the only way you could be valuable as a person. It can be scary to imagine what might happen if you focus for a change on your own goals and dreams. You need to know that just like anyone else your valuable because you're alive. There's nothing you should be doing in order to justify your existence. You are good enough just for being you. You don't have to make anyone happy. You don't have to serve anyone. You don't have to help or rescue anyone in order to be a valid human being. You are just as entitled as anyone else to go after your goals and dreams. You don't have to feel guilty for prioritizing your own needs or feelings. Maybe some of the selfish users you've surrounded yourself with might resent you for putting your energy into your own happiness. But this just proves that they don't care about you. Trying to please the selfish users in your life will never bring you fulfillment or inner peace. It will just be rewarding these nasty individuals. An example is Jenna, a 55 year old high school principal who had spent her entire adult life being too nice by this point in her life. She was tired and stressed and miserable. She'd go home and collapsed on the couch at the end of each day. Her husband had been a selfish user who had traded her in for a younger model as soon as she turned 45 after which Jenna turned her, rescuing her friends from whatever crisis they get themselves into. Jenna had always dabbled in art, but felt that she could never be a full time artist. She was convinced that this would be to self indulgent and that her friends and family wouldn't approve. But after doing some inner work, Jenna realized that she had to stop being so nice, and she had to start taking care of herself. She ended up taking an early retirement and moving to Mexico, where she started doing her art, and in fact, she became quite successful as a painter. Jenna did so well that she was able to start in art school for Children and in this way give back to her new community. She went after her own goals, but still she was well liked and well respected in her community. She even met a man who was able to love her just for who she waas giving up. Being nice brought Janet everything she'd ever wanted and more. The last step in building yourself up is understanding that being too nice is a losing game . It backfires. In fact, instead of bringing you the love and approval you need, being too nice sets you up for disrespect, exploitation, even abuse. You're going to attract the users in the world and alienate the kind people because they can never get to know the real you being too nice lowers your self esteem and actually makes you frustrated, resentful and exhausted. Often you'll end up burnt out and depressed. You spend so much energy on pleasing or helping others that you end up having none left for yourself. It's really no way to live when you see that it really, really doesn't work. You become empowered to try something different, and that's be inclined when you're kind. You can be a carry person, but never at the exclusion of your own needs and feelings 11. Lecture 11 - How to Be Kind, Instead of Nice: So now we're gonna talk about the all important topic of how to be kind instead of nice. The first step in this is setting clear and healthy limits. If you respect yourself, there are ways that you can show this to the people around you. And you can also show them that you expect their respect as well. One of the ways to do this is to set good limits. First, you have to recognize your needs and what you're okay with and not okay with in your interactions with other people. Of course, you should feel entitled to do this. That's why the previous section of building yourself up was so important to cover first. So once you've gotten to the point where you feel that you deserve to express your needs, you're ready to start setting limits. You do this by telling the other person No, for example. No, I don't like this. No, I don't want this. No, I'm not comfortable with this. No, that doesn't feel appropriate. When you say no, you teach the people around you how to treat you and you're more likely to get what you need. And you're more likely to avoid the behaviors that aren't okay with you. Setting limits does not make you a mean, selfish person. You are entitled to have the things you want and to not have to tolerate the things you don't want in dealing with other people. You're no less deserving of this than anyone else. Some people might not like it. If you set limits on their behavior, some might even get angry at you. Some might threaten toe walk away if you insist on setting these limits. The good news is that the reactions of other people, as I mentioned before, will tell you important information about them. When you set a limit, the other person's reaction is a reflection of them, nor of you. You're not a bad, selfish, unreasonable person for having your needs and for setting a limit. You're a normal person with normal needs. Not everyone will be willing to accommodate your limits, but that doesn't mean that your limits are wrong. It means that you and this other person aren't compatible when you set a limit and the other person isn't okay with it. This tells you that you won't be able to get your needs. Met in this particular relationship, remember, your needs are valid. You're entitled to having your needs met in your relationships if the other person isn't okay with your limits. This isn't a person who can respond to your needs. It means that this isn't a person you should be in a relationship with. You never have to feel guilty for setting a limit on someone else's behavior. You deserve to have your needs met, and the other person deserves to have their needs met as well. What tells you if you're compatible or not is if you feel comfortable with the limits they set and they feel comfortable with the limits you set. No one is necessarily a bad person. If this doesn't work out, it just means that you're not compatible with each other. Eleanor, for example, is H 37. She had a really hard time setting limits with her friends. As a result, they took advantage of her and walked all over her. She was afraid that if she set limits and stood up for herself, her friends might get angry at her. Even leave her. Eleanor had to see that true, caring friends treat you with consideration and respect. And she had to discover who were her true friends and who were her frenemies. This happened when she started being more assertive and setting limits. The next step in becoming kind as opposed to nice is caring less about what other people think. If you've been to nice, you've been looking for love and approval from everyone else. For that reason, the way that other people see you, what they think of you, whether or not they might be judging you. All of these things have been extremely important to you. But when you start to love and respect yourself and build up your confidence and self acceptance and self worth, you stop depending on how other people see you and whether or not they might be judging you . If you become okay with yourself, it stops mattering to you so much what other people think. Of course, this doesn't mean that you should just do whatever you please with no thought of the outcome. You deserve respect and consideration. And other people deserve these things too, not worrying about what others think of you but still being consider and respectful. That's being kind instead of nice. When you no longer have to be so dependent on external sources of self worth, you find a new sense of freedom. You never again have to be afraid of how other people will see you. If someone judges you, it doesn't have to devastate you. If someone disapproves, you don't have to be crushed. If someone criticizes you, you can take it with a grain of salt. When you become responsible for your own self worth, you're free of the fear of judgment from others. You begin to see the haters for who they really are, people who just want you to feel bad about yourself. No, I recognize two types of criticism. There's the kind that's meant to help you and the kind that's meant to hurt you. People who have helpful criticism will offer it in a kind, respectful way so that you can take it in and make good use of it. People who want to hurt you. On the other hand, they'll offer their criticisms in a cruel, nasty or sneaky way in order to make you feel bad about yourself. So all you have to do is pay attention to how the criticism has been delivered and how it makes you feel. If it was said in a hurtful way, and it makes you feel bad about yourself. It's most likely a type that's meant to cause damage, not to be constructive. You can ignore it, and you can see this person for the hater that they are. An example of. This is Jesse, age, 42 who was always concerned about how other people saw him. He worked hard on building self love and self acceptance, and he came to see that he was good enough. Just as he waas, he stopped worrying about what other people might think about him, and he started seeing the overly critical people in his life as the ones having the problem . Another step in becoming kind as opposed to nice is learning how to be empowered as opposed to hurtful. So when you want to set a limit, express your feelings or state your needs, the other person might be okay with this or they might not be. It doesn't mean that you've been hurtful. If the other person doesn't like what you're saying or even feels bad about it, sometimes our needs might upset the other person. Sometimes our limits might bother them. That doesn't mean our needs or limits aren't valid. Sometimes we can express our feelings and the other person will get hurt or angry. This doesn't mean that we've been hurtful. It's important to see that the way the other person reacts to us is a reflection of who they are, not necessarily a reflection of how we have behaved toward them. Being empowered is being able to express our feelings and assert our needs with others. Being hurtful is when we don't think about the other person's feelings or when we intend to cause harm. When we're empowered, we take care of ourselves. Sometimes the other person won't like this, but it doesn't mean that we've been hurtful. If our needs upset the other person, it could mean that we're not compatible. It's not selfish to express our needs and feelings and to set limits with others. It's self loving and self caring, and everyone is entitled to this. Anyone who tells you that you're selfish for expressing your needs or feelings, or for setting limits is someone who's being unfair. You have as much a right to your needs as they do to theirs, And if they think or tell you that by expressing your needs or feelings, you've hurt them, you're probably not compatible. An example of this is Len, age 60 who was dealing with a difficult elderly father who always told her that she was being hurtful or selfish. If she refused to give her dad what he wanted, Lin came to see that she was just as entitled to have her own needs met, as her father was, and she realized that she wasn't being hurtful to her dad. When she said no, she learned that even if her father didn't like the way she was doing things, Lin wasn't necessarily being a bad daughter or a bad person. Now, the next step and becoming kind as opposed to nice is learning how to deal with unreasonable people in the world. There are reasonable people and unreasonable ones. When you express your needs and feelings to a reasonable person, they'll be okay with what you said. They might not like it, but they'll be OK with it. When you express your needs and feelings to an unreasonable person, however, they'll have a problem. What you need to know is that this is their problem, not yours. Unreasonable people could accuse you of being selfish, unfair or hurtful. When you express your valid needs and feelings, they might want to start a fight with you in order to get you to back down. They might insult you and criticize you to make you feel so bad that you'll shut up and give them what they want. Someone reasonable people will just tune you out and ignore you. But none of these people are going to make it easy for you to get your needs met. You have a few options when dealing with unreasonable people. If the person is extremely unreasonable, you can simply choose to walk away. If this person is making it impossible for you to get your needs met in the relationship, please feel Frieda in the relationship. Now, with this person is a close family member, it might be a bit more difficult to extricate them from your life. In this situation, there are other things that you can do. First, you have to know that your needs and feelings are valid and that no one should be allowed to talk you out of them. Second, you can choose to be strategic with these people, phrasing things in a way that might be more likely to get them to respond favorably. You might consider how you've been expressing yourself with unreasonable people. You might want to come across a little bit more confidently, but not aggressively. You want to be self assured but not come across as being insensitive. You can try your best to convince these unreasonable people to respect your needs, feelings and limits. But if they absolutely won't, probably the best thing to do is to steer clear of them. There's no point really in maintaining a relationship with an unreasonable person, as you're most likely always going to have to put aside your own needs and feelings in order to accommodate there's and you'll just get more and more frustrated, resentful and unhappy in the relationship. If, despite your best efforts to be strategic and how do you approach these people, they insist on contradicting you, insulting you picking a fight with you, complaining that you've attacked them or accusing you of being selfish. When you're trying to express your feelings, set limits or get your needs met, it's probably best to end your relationship with them. You're simply not compatible. An example is Anna, aged 40 who was living with a partner who always gave her a hard time when she tried to tell him about the things he done that had upset her. He accused her of putting him down when she told him that she didn't like it when he left wet towels on the bathroom floor. He accused her of being controlling when she questioned him about his excessive spending, and he told her that she was shaming him when she mentioned that she didn't like it when he made them late for the movies all the time, Anna came to see that she was living with an unreasonable person, and after a few failed attempts at making him see her point of view, she had to move on the next step in switching over from being nice to be in kind, understanding what exactly it means to be kind. Being a kind person is caring about others, but never at your own expense. It's being generous without giving away more than you can spare, and it's being helpful without hurting yourself. It's thinking about the needs and feelings of others, not neglecting your own needs or feelings When you're too nice, your actions are based on trying to get others toe like your approve of you when you're kind. You've done the work of filling yourself with self love and self respect, so you're no longer looking toe others for these things. You're able to allow the self love that's filling you up to overflow outward onto the other people around you, and you share this self love with others. The two nice person never feels like they have enough. They lack self acceptance and self love, so they feel an emptiness inside themselves. The kind person, on the other hand, is filled with positive self regard, so they always feel full. They give from a place of overflowing generosity, rather from a place of giving in order to get. The great thing about being kind is that it takes very little effort being too nice, convey exhausting as you're spending so much energy trying to get the other person toe like you and approve of you being kind is simply allowing all the love you already feel for yourself to spill over onto the other people in your life, Paradoxically, to nice people are more self centered than calling people because everything they're doing for others is actually for the purpose of getting their needs met. They're constantly trying to get something back with all their giving kind. People, however, are already full of self acceptance and self respect, so they aren't looking for these things from others. The kind person can be loving and giving without wanting anything specific in return. Other than a warm feeling of empathy and connection. Because the kind person is filled with positive self regard, they don't worry about what other people think of them. This makes it possible to set clear firm limits with others because it doesn't make the kind person feel bad about themselves. If someone doesn't respect their limits or their needs, the kind person knows that they deserve to have their needs and feelings respected as much as anyone else does. An example of this is Josie, age 69 are reformed people pleaser. She used to be too nice, always putting everyone's needs and feelings ahead of her own. As a result, she became resentful and her anger started leaking out in tiny, inappropriate explosions toward the people she was mad at, and even toward people who had never caused her to be angry. Josie realized that being so nice was making her into an angry, unhappy person, and she worked on building up her own self esteem and taking better care of herself. Josie, stop being so nice, and immediately she started being less and less angry. Instead of carrying around so much resentment and inadvertently leaking it out all over the place, she started being happy and feeling we're loving toward others and her relationships became a lot more enjoyable and fulfilling. 12. Lecture 12 - Being Too Nice Parents: Now I'm going to talk about giving up being too nice in your personal relationships, and I'm going to start with people who are too nice as parents. If you're a parent and you're too nice, you really need to think about this because it's going to have an impact not only on yourself but on your Children and on your relationship with your spouse. For people who are too nice, becoming a parent can be simply a reason to carry this behavior into their relationships with their Children. And if you be in two nice before becoming apparent, you're probably going to be too nice with your kids. Some parents mistakenly think that they need their kids toe like them in order to feel good about themselves. And these two nice parents try to be pals with their kids, thinking that this is how they'll get their kids toe like them. Unfortunately, that doesn't work because kids need parents, not pals. They have their own Powell's outside. If you've been appellate to your kids, no one's been parenting them, and you've been putting your kids at a great disadvantage in life. Your kids need you to be apparent to them and teach them the things they need to know. In order to have a good life, they need you to be an adult role model. If you're Appel, they can't respect you and look up to you. So even if your kids tell you that they'd rather have you as a pal, they actually need you to be their parent. There are a few things you'll need to do in order to go from being too nice as apparent to being loving and kind and able to give your Children the tools they need to grow up. Happy and successful. Being a kind parent means teaching your kids to be responsible for themselves. It means setting proper limits with your Children, and it means not doing too much for them but instead encouraging them to stand on their own two feet. Being a kind parent, as opposed to a too nice one, also means not fighting. All your kids battles for them but allowing them to stand on their own two feet and figure things out on their own. Being kind means teaching your Children resilience by allowing them to fall down and to fail and to learn from their mistakes. It helps them to grow and see that they can pick themselves up, brush themselves off and start all over again. Being a kind parent means not ignoring unacceptable behaviours from your kids but giving them appropriate consequences when necessary. Finally, being a kind as opposed to nice parent includes helping your kids develop good work and study habits by insisting that they do their own homework and their own shores. It means helping them develop self confidence and emotional toughness by encouraging them to take on challenges and try new things, even when success isn't guaranteed. You'll also need to let go of your fears of how your Children will react to you, taking on the parent role and no longer acting like there, pal. But you know, parenting isn't a popularity contest at first. When you switch from being too nice to be in kind, your kids might be upset with you. Their kids and a lot of kids like to be spoiled, even when it's not good for them. But eventually your kids will come to see that you've done them an enormous favor by giving up your role as there pal and by taking on your proper role as they're kind and loving and guiding parent 13. Lecture 13 - Being Too Nice To Our Own Parents: Now I'm going to talk about giving up being too nice in your personal relationships, specifically with regard to being too nice with our own parents. So, of course, our parents have a ton of influence over us. Sometimes our parents will put their own needs ahead of their Children's needs, and the result will be kids who have been taught to feel obligated to be there for the parents and guilty when they do something that doesn't please their parents. Please remember that truly loving parents never put their own needs ahead of the needs of their kids. And truly loving parents never want their Children to put the parents needs first. Truly loving parents always want their Children's needs to come first, and they would never want to be a burden on their Children. They would do anything to avoid that Truly loving parents would never make their Children feel guilty for taking care of themselves. This doesn't mean that they tolerate disrespect, but rather that they understand their Children's needs to make their own choices, even if their parents don't fully agree with, um, so if your parents make you feel bad about yourself for pursuing your goals if they make you feel guilty for not pleasing them or if they make you feel obligated to take care of them. Unfortunately, it means that they're not truly loving parents. The fact is, we don't owe our parents anything. They chose to have us and they had other options if they didn't want kids. So if they chose to have us and to keep us, it was their adult choice, and we aren't obligated to them in any way now. If we grew up with truly loving parents and we want to have a close relationship with them when we're adults, if we want to help them out now and then, that's great because we're doing it out of love and our own free will, not because we feel that we should not out of guilt or obligation. Being kind to our parents should be exactly the same as it is with everyone else. We can love them, set appropriate limits with them, say no when we need to and express our needs and feelings to them. There should be mutual respect when we're all adults. If our parents get angry at us for not doing what they want or if they become disappointed with us for not pleasing them. It's not a sign that we're bad kids. It's a sign that we have unreasonable parents. We never have to feel guilty for how we are with our parents. Two nice people are looking for love and validation from others, and it comes unfortunately from not having received enough love and validation from the parents. So it's very common for people who are too nice to be the most nice with the people who started them down this path, their own parents. We look to our parents to be the first source of our self worth by Dele. They're supposed to love us and accept us unconditionally just for who we are. If they didn't give us these things, we might end up as people pleasers trying to accommodate their needs and never disappoint them in order to fill that empty space within us. Unfortunately, it doesn't work with our parents any more than it works with anyone else. People will either be ableto love and accept us as we are, or they won't. We can't earn anyone's approval by being nice. Not even our parents on the other hand, if we find truly kind people who are able to care about us, they will love and care about us without us having to do anything or pay for it with any pleasing behavior. 14. Lecture 14 - Being Too Nice With Your Romantic Partner: So now we're gonna talk about learning to be kind and not nice with our romantic partner. Your romantic partner is a very important person in your life. May be the most important person. It's easy for a people pleaser to focus a lot of their two nice behavior onto this person, but you need to see that a partner who loves you will love you for exactly who you are. The two nice behavior will always backfire. Your romantic partner really needs to love and accept you just the way you are. Once you start pleasing them, it's impossible to know if they love you for yourself or if they're only with you, because they're taking advantage of the things that you do for them. If you're too nice, you'll never know if your partner is staying with you out of love or out of convenience. You'll never know if they truly care about you or if they're just using you. The only way to have a fulfilling romantic relationship is to be your true self, and then see if the other person still likes you. If you have to constantly please them, you'll always feel lonely because you'll never really know if you're being loved for yourself. Another problem of being too nice is the inability to say no. What if your partner does something that bothers you? If you're afraid to be honest with them for fear that they'll withdraw their attention, you'll always have to go along with their behaviors even once that upset you. Eventually, you're going to be very unhappy. The thing is, you never have to tolerate mistreatment of the fear of rejection. A really loving relationship involves two people who are honest with one another and who respect each other's needs and feelings. Spend boundaries. If you're in this type of relationship, you can feel comfortable telling your partner that you don't like something they've done. And you can never worry about them leaving you because you trust yourself to love yourself and be okay on your own. If a person happens to reject your walk away from you because they don't appreciate your needs or feelings, they're not for you, because really there is nothing wrong with any of your needs or any of your feelings. It's simply a matter of compatibility. Often the nice person will attract a user whose only there with them to get what they can. If you're with someone like this and you say no to them or if you ask them for something they don't want to give you, guess what will happen. They'll either try to silence you or they'll walk away. And very abusive people might even threaten you with physical violence. The bottom line is that you deserve to be with someone who truly cares about you and who treats you properly. No one should ever be bullied into silence or abused in their romantic relationship. No one should be disrespected, mistreated or treated with a lack of consideration. If you've been to nice and you've attracted a user or abuser, it's time for you to get up and walk away from the relationship. You can do a lot better. You just need to believe that you do 15. Lecture 15 - Being Too Nice With Siblings: Now we're going to talk about giving up being too nice in our relationships with our siblings. Sometimes siblings could be the best of friends and terrific allies. Sometimes, though, siblings can be hurtful, even cruel. This can happen when your parents haven't been as loving as they should be, and the Children end up competing for the few crumbs of attention they're hoping to receive from moment. Dad, if you're too nice, it's because you didn't receive enough love or approval from your parents. If one or more of your siblings is behaving in a hurtful way toward you, that's most likely because they didn't get enough love, either. And they see you as their competition for this love instead of their friend. Sadly, you can't make someone see you differently than they do if your sibling is hurtful to you out of jealousy. If they're angry at you because they're convinced that you got more love attention or material support than they did, they're going to see you as a threat. And being nice to them won't make themselves heard of you. Please. In the hurtful sibling ends up being a futile effort. You'll just be rewarding their bad behavior. Of course, all of this is happening unconsciously, and therefore it will be very hard for you to have a discussion with your sibling about this because most likely, they will deny what you're saying. No, if you come from parents who didn't give their kids enough love and approval, it's actually fairly common to have siblings who act more like adversaries than allies. In the absence of adequate parental nurturing, siblings most often become obstacles to each other and getting their needs met. At least that's how they see it. Even if one or more sibling was on the surface, spoiled by their parents, and one or more sibling was on the surface neglected. You can rest assured that in a family like this, none of the Children got their real needs met, because when parents are capable of neglecting some of their Children, they're not actually capable of loving any of them. Parents who played obvious favorites don't actually love any of their kids. They just favor some for their own personal reasons. Interestingly, the spoiled kids feel no more loved or affirmed than the kids who were neglected there, just as upset with their parents as the kids who were more obviously ignored. This is because parents who have no real love to give might spoil some of their kids. But these kids aren't getting love, either. It's like feeding the kids candy for dinner. It's empty emotional calories that never leave the kids feeling fulfilled. These siblings who were spoiled, my paradoxically resent the other more neglected kids, convinced that these kids got more attention than they did. This is because they feel so empty and lonely. They figure that someone else must have gotten all the love for a moment down. Sadly, the truth is that no one got the love, and all the sibling rivalry is for nothing. Because no matter who ends up with the parents attention, no one is getting any actual love that will nurture and nourish them. No. Sometimes siblings will compete for or even steal the inheritance, thinking that if they get more of the money, they'll feel better inside. They won't. Sometimes parents give one or more Children the bulk of the inheritance and leave the other Children with little or nothing. The ones who inherent war aren't any happier. This is because the only real thing of value the parents had to offer. Was there love? It's the only thing that will really nourish the kids and satisfy their emotional needs. If love wasn't available, no amount of money, stuff or inheritance will make up for this lock. And that's why sibling rivalry has no benefit for anyone. 16. Lecture 16 - Being Too Nice With Friends: Now we're going to talk about giving up, being too nice with our friends. Friends are so wonderful. They give us love, support and understand. They accept us for who we are, and they're there for us when we need them. Good friends, that is. Some friends, though, are more like frenemies, their false friends who are only with us for their own personal gain, their users who think only about themselves and who resent our happiness and success. These are, unfortunately, the kind of friends that go for the two nice people in the world. If you're too eager to please and trying too hard to get people to like you, there will always be a frenemy out there who will be happy to take advantage of your neediness. Thes users always have an eye out for those who are trying too hard to get love and approval. They'll promise you really friendship, but they'll give you the fake deal and you'll end up worse off than before you started. These false friends are just like the predatory romantic partners who are constantly trolling for potential victims that they can squeeze. And just like these bad lovers, there's a really simple way to avoid being caught up in their web of deception and exploitation. You simply stopped coming across as too nice. These unscrupulous individuals are looking for people that they can take advantage of. If you present yourself as a pleaser, the users will find you. On the other hand, if you stop being so nice and present yourself as a real person who is kind, the users will avoid you. Sadly, there are so many people pleasers around these days. If you stop being so nice, the users will just go right past you and look to take advantage of someone else. The's users want to expend the minimum of their energy, so if you don't immediately come across as a pleaser, the users won't try to use you. Be inclined now isn't about being selfish, nasty or insensitive To others, it's just about being as good to yourself as you are to others and kind people respect others, but first they respect themselves kind. People have no problems setting limits with others because they're not afraid of being left behind. They love themselves and know that they can be okay on their own kind. Friends are loving and giving, but never at their own expense. A kind person is full of self love, and they know that anyone who rejects them for not being a pleaser is someone who will never give them love or care for who they really are and therefore, is not someone worth spending time with. A friend like that is really just a frenemy. 17. Lecture 17 - Are You A Too Nice Manager: Now I'm going to talk about ways that you can recognize if you're a two nice manager. Now, if you're a two nice manager, you may not be aware of how much you've been bending over backwards to accommodate your staff to nice managers want to be liked by their stuff. They hate the idea of their staff resenting them for anything they do. And managers are too nice for the same reason as anyone else. They believe on an unconscious level that external approval will boost their self worth and that external disapproval will lower it. If this is you, it won't be difficult to recognize your overly nice managerial behaviour. For example, have you been tolerating unacceptable behavior in the workplace? Are you allowing your staff to come in late or leave early? Take excessive numbers of days off or take their vacations at the last minute? Are you picking up the slack doing work that members of your staff are supposed to do? Are you overcompensating for the shortcomings of your staff? If you're doing any or all of these, it means that you're a two nice manager 18. Lecture 18 - The Dark Side of Being A Too Nice Manager: there's a dark side to being a two nice manager. For example, if you have two staff members who are in conflict and you're afraid to get either one of them upset with you, your fear of how they might react to your intervention will cause you to fail at managing their conflict in an appropriate professional manner. Or if you have a staff member who's been shirking their work, for example. But you're too afraid to confront them on this for fear that they'll no longer like you or perhaps even respect you. This person will be able to continue slacking off, and workplace productivity and morale will most likely suffer. Being a two nice manager leads to lots of problems managers bought to be fair and kind, but not overly nice. Fair kind managers gained the respect and appreciation of their staff and their bosses to nice managers are respected by no one taken advantage of by the opportunists at work and resented by the hard workers, fair kind managers create a positive workplace environment and bring out the best in their stuff. Overly nice managers create a dysfunctional environment in which people underperform and resentment abounds to nice managers are like overly lenient parents who are never disciplining their Children and never expressing clear expectations about their behavior. The kids run wild, don't respect their parents and fight amongst themselves well. The exact same results are seen in the workplace of a two nice manager. 19. Lecture 19 - Giving Up Being A Too Nice Manager: it's really important to give up being a two nice manager. Being a boss can be stressful. Of course, as sometimes we have to make difficult decisions regarding the work and the lives of our employees. We hire them, fire them, put them on probation, change their job description, discipline them, renegotiate their contracts and so on. But all that comes with the territory of being a manager and the boss. If we don't have the stomach for this, we can go back to just being one of the staff. If, however, we do want to be a manager, we need to face the fact that were in charge and we have to own our power. It's not about abusing our power, but it is about using it appropriately. Being a manager isn't a popularity contest. It's a leadership rule. It's not about our employees liking us. It's about them respecting us as managers, we need to do the job of managing. This means being the one to make the tough decisions and sometimes doing things that make our staff unhappy. It means always trying to balance workplace morale with productivity and recognizing that our staff aren't our Children or our friends. They're here to do their job as much as we're here to do ours. Being a good manager, as opposed to a too nice one, is thinking about what's best for the workplace as opposed to what makes everyone like us. It's being kind, firm and fair with our staff and remembering that our priority isn't being liked. It's getting the job done. 20. Lecture 20 - Are You A Too Nice Employee: So now let's talk about whether you're too nice employees. If you're a people pleaser in your workplace, you're doing it for the same reasons as in your personal relationships. You're hoping that by being extra nice, people will like you and approve of you, and that this will enable you to finally feel good about yourself. The people pleaser at work tends to take on more than their fair share of the work load. They often come in early, stay late, take work home and work on the weekends. This might be appropriate behavior if you're the boss and you have a stake in the company's profits. But it isn't appropriate if you're just one of the staff, and there's no material reward for this behavior. The truth is that being too nice at work tends to get you disrespected more than liked. Your need to be liked is seen by many of your colleagues as a sign of desperation or weakness. You end up being taken advantage of more than rewarded, and people just keep throwing more work your way, not infrequently, that people pleaser in the workplace ends up being ostracised by co workers or bullied by the boss or other members of the staff. It's a bit like in the animal kingdom, where predators sense which are the weaker animals and go after them. Instead of being the most popular person at work, The people pleaser is often the one who's disrespected the most. In fact, the most popular people at work are the ones with the greatest self esteem and confidence. These individuals inspire admiration and respect. In others, the secret to social success in the workplace is toe like yourself. If you feel good about yourself, the people you work with will feel good about you. You can work on letting go of the need for approval from your boss and your colleagues, and focus instead on taking responsibility for your own self worth when you're sociable but not trying too hard to please confident without being arrogant and hard working without overworking, you'll gain the respect of your boss and your colleagues. Being kind wins because everyone gets what they need 21. Lecture 21 - How to Stop Being Too Nice to Your Boss: Now I'm going to talk about how to stop being too nice to your boss. It's common for a people pleaser to try too hard to gain the approval of their boss. Unfortunately, this tends to backfire in the same way as it does with every other type of relationship. When your boss sees you trying too hard to please them, they'll lose respect for you and might even try to exploit you by giving you extra work or by getting you to do their work. The one thing your boss won't do is give you more approval. So how do you stop trying to please your boss? It's important to recognize that your boss isn't your parent or your friend. Their job is not to care about you. It's to manage you. Your boss can be a mentor, but this won't happen because you've tried to curry favor with them. It will happen if they admire you professionally. And perhaps, if they like you as a person and want to support you in moving forward in your career, you really shouldn't have to do anything special to get your boss toe like you. They will if they can, so you need to stop trying so hard and just see how things go. And even if your boss has chosen to mentor you, it still doesn't make them your friend, even if they're like apparent to you, they aren't actually your parent. A mentoring relationship is a professional one, and you need to adjust your expectations accordingly. So how do you say no to your boss? Your boss might be a reasonable person or they might not be that reasonable. Perhaps there even a bully. They could be okay with you saying no to some things, but maybe they won't be. Your task is to figure out where you have room to maneuver. You may have a boss who's flexible with vacation schedules, but not with the workload or vice versa. It's up to you to see where the wiggle room is and use it without fear. You need to see that your boss doesn't really have to like you, but they do have to respect you and value your contribution. They need to think that you're an asset to the department and that you make them look good . That's a lot more important than them liking you. So you should feel comfortable with saying no as long as you do it strategically. And don't worry so much about whether the boss likes you or not. Now, how are you supposed to stop taking on more work than everyone else? Well, the people pleaser tends to do too much in the hopes that this will gain them approval at work. But all it does is teach people that you can be exploited. If you do too much at work, you need to start gradually reducing your workload to something more equivalent to that of your colleagues. Initially, this might be a bit tricky because you've set up the expectations that you're willing and able to do more than everyone else. So you'll have to cut back gradually and quite suddenly until your own workload is on par with. Everyone else is at work now. How are you to foster admiration and respect at work? Well, the best way to do this is to have a healthy sense of respect for yourself when you feel confident and competent and have healthy self respect. Other people are a lot more likely to feel these ways toward you. You need to take care of yourself and not expect your boss to do this. Remember, the boss isn't your parent or your friend. They might even be a people pleaser themselves who struggles to manage their staff. It's up to you to set appropriate limits on your time and energy. This will set an example for how people will treat you. The more self respect and confidence you have and the less you try to please, the more likely it is that the people at work, including your boss, will appreciate you and admire you. So how are you going to become kind at work as opposed to nice? The thing is, being kind comes from feeling good about yourself. If you have confidence, self respect and self worth, you feel calm and relaxed. You're able to enjoy your relationships with your boss and your colleagues without trying to please them. If you work hard and respect your boss and your colleagues, your already on your way to be inclined. If you're fair, reasonable, easy going and flexible, that's being kind. Mind you, this doesn't include being a pushover or a doormat. Remember the kind person at work or in their personal relationships for that matter is always acting from a position of self acceptance and good self esteem. It never comes from the need to please. You can be a good team player, a loyal employee and an asset to your workplace when you're kind. But you don't have to be the sacrificial lamb to your boss or your colleagues. In fact, the more you respect yourself, the less inclination you'll have to be so nice, and the easier it will be to be kind, it will come naturally with no effort at all. 22. Lecture 22 - Conclusion: So now we're at the end of this course, and I really hope that you've learned everything you've ever wanted to know about being kind as opposed to being nice. And hopefully all or most of your questions have been answered. In this course. I've talked at length about where people pleasing comes from and what it looks like in your personal and your professional relationships. I've described how being too nice backfires and how it gives you exactly the opposite of what you want. I've shown you to the best of my abilities, how to let go of being an overly nice people pleaser. And I've shown you that by taking responsibility for building up your own self worth, you can give up being too nice and instead become empowered and kind. Even if you've been a people pleaser for many years, I hope that you can see now that you can let go of this bad habit for good, you can start taking better care of yourself, but giving yourself the love and approval you need. And by silencing the negative self talk, you can start feeling really good about yourself right now. You can see that other people, whether in your personal or professional life, aren't the source of your self esteem, and you can radically change how you interact with them, a change for the better. You can go from being someone who is self sacrificing, disrespected and taken for granted to someone who is confident, self assured and empowered, someone who inspires respect and admiration from everyone. Over the years, I've seen many, many people make these kinds of changes. It never fails to put a smile on my face when I see an unhappy people pleaser turn into someone who's self assured and empowered in their relationships with friends, family, romantic partner, colleagues and supervisors. I hope that with this course you'll discover the insights and the tools you need to take the steps forward toe letting go of people pleasing and becoming the proud, happy and successful person you were always meant to be. 23. Lecture 23 - Meditations: Nuturing the Child Within: now here is an exercise for nurturing the child within. Picture yourself in a beautiful, comfortable place, or perhaps just visualize in your mind's eye a quiet room, but somewhere that you feel very safe, relaxed and comfortable. And now picture in your mind's eye that facing you is the little child that you once were. It doesn't matter how well this child is. It could be a toddler, a young child, even a teenager. But look at this child in this very comfortable, safe space. Just notice how you feel about this child. Hopefully, what you're feeling is warmth in connection, caring, appreciation. Hopefully, if you'll love and you feel a sense of protectiveness toward this child, no, If you don't feel the ceilings, don't worry about it. It's probably because of things that have happened to you in your past, which have made it hard for you to connect with this child within. If you're struggling to feel warm feelings towards the child, think about people that you love. People like your own Children, your partner, your friends, your family members think about your pets, perhaps anyone that you feel a real sense of affection toward protectiveness toward caring and concern for and see if you can allow your heart to fill with the ceilings and then try to direct them toward the child within. Look at this child and see this child as an innocent and sweet little person. This child hasn't done anything to deserve any of the bad things that happen to them. This child is perfectly in perfect and entitled toe all good things. Look at this child across from you and really see how good and sweet and deserving of good things they are. Now you can speak to this child in your minds eye. Tell them that you care about them. Tell them that you'll be there for them. Tell them that you will protect them and defend them from now on and make sure that they're safe. Tell them that you will guard them and you'll support them. Tell them that you forgive them for any mistakes that they've made and that you accept them just as they are. All of this should start making you feel warm and happy inside, because when you have a good relationship with the child within, when you love and accept and approve of yourself then you don't need external approval to make you feel OK. It doesn't mean that you don't need love from other people. But the need for love is just pure love, as opposed to the need for validation. When you validate and accept yourself, that task is no your responsibility and you don't need anybody else's approval so you don't have to go on being too nice or a people pleaser in order to gain that approval. Look at this child through the eyes of love and acceptance and notice how the child feels in response. The child should be feeling safe and warm and cared about. The child should be feeling loved and protected and validated. You know, every now and then, if we really don't have a good connection with child within, we might find that the child is not receptive to our love infection. But that doesn't matter, because all we have to do is continue to do this exercise on a repeated basis, and soon the child will grow to trust us and realize that are caring is sincere and genuine . Now to finish this exercise, imagine the child beginning to sparkle and glisten and glimmer like it's a being of light, and as it sparkles and glistens, it becomes transparent and then almost like a puff of smoke. And then this smoke just kind of enters into your heart, sparkling and glistening, filling your heart that loveliness of the child. Feel the child in your heart. Feel your love and acceptance for this child and know that any time you can revisit this beautiful, safe, comfortable place, you can face the child. Give them love and approval. Bring them into your heart. And in doing this, build that self love and self acceptance, which will enable you to just be yourself in your relationships and not see anyone other than yourself as the source of your love and approval.