How to Share Positive and Negative Feedback: Beginners Guide | Markus Amanto | Skillshare

How to Share Positive and Negative Feedback: Beginners Guide

Markus Amanto, Author. Speaker. Trainer.

Play Speed
  • 0.5x
  • 1x (Normal)
  • 1.25x
  • 1.5x
  • 2x
8 Lessons (30m)
    • 1. Introduction

      0:57
    • 2. The Science and Art of Feedback

      2:58
    • 3. Three Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Feedback

      2:56
    • 4. Seven tips for giving feedback

      4:36
    • 5. How Much "Positive" and "Negative" Feedback to Give

      3:44
    • 6. Understand the All Important Relationship Account

      3:17
    • 7. I-Statements for Effective Feedback

      5:15
    • 8. Receiving feedback

      5:57

About This Class

Have you ever wished to tell someone about something they did that you did not appreciate, but you were not quite sure how to say it? Perhaps you did say something, but the other person’s reaction was not what you had hoped for?

It has said that feedback is the most intense form of human communication and sometimes the most challenging. However, there is hope!

In this course you will learn to:

  • share both so called "positive", reinforcing feedback and so called "negative", constructive feedback in a way that works
  • communicate more clearly and effectively
  • receive feedback from others to build trust and openness

I will give you my very best tips based on more than 20 years of working with teams all over the world.

Enroll now and let’s get started!

Transcripts

1. Introduction: it has been said that feedback is the most in towns form off human communication and so vital to building trust on effectiveness. In this course, you will learn to use feedback so you can get your message across clearly without causing unnecessary problems in the relationship to the other person. I am Marcus. Samantha and I have worked for over 20 years developing organizations, teams on individuals around the world. I have seen poorly served feedback, and I have seen the good stuff here. I have condensed my best tips, strategies and tools into the following videos and project. Do you want to get better at communicating with other people than enroll now and let's get to it? 2. The Science and Art of Feedback: It has been said that feedback ISS the most intense form off human communication feedback is a gift, a gift that you give another person with the purpose of improving the relationship between the two of you and improving the other person along with it. A key distinction when it comes to giving feedback is to clarify who has the problem. Let's say person a one of your co workers is constantly late for your team. Meetings constantly arrives five minutes after you have said that the meeting would start. You are person be the manager who gets irritated. Annoyed at this makes you lose your focus and so forth. So the question is here. Who has the problem? A or B? I would say an important distinction for feedback is to be clear that it is be who has the problem, because in a different world, in a different setting, in a different culture, perhaps being five minutes late would be very courteous. Who might even mean that your early so a does not actually have the problem? B is the person who has the problem in this case because he or she you, in this case, gets irritated gets annoyed. So that's where the problem is and going into a feedback conversation. If you go into a feedback conversation, thinking the other person is the problem that's going to come through, no matter how effectively you formulate, how beautifully formulate your feedback. If you come in with the in the back of your mind, thinking the other person is the problem that's gonna shine through, so realize that you have the problem. So sometimes when I give feedback, I start my conversation with saying I have a problem, and that kind of helps set the tone for the feedback I want to give. We call it an art because there is an aspect of feedback that IHS about when, how and where to give it and how that best fits your personality that you're not gonna be able to pick up from any book or any course. It's just that aspect of feedback is just about getting out there and doing it. It's something that you master with experience. We call it a science because there are some proven ways of doing. It's a method some some perspectives to use when you give feedback that will increase your rate of success, so to speak when you give feedback and that will get you going down the road of learning to fully master feedback. And we will cover those techniques those tips and so forth in the following videos. Remember it. ISS with feedback Assitance would love. If you are not getting enough, give some more. 3. Three Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Feedback: Sometimes when we give feedback, it just doesn't arrive that well in the other person's inbox, so to speak. We have a good intention in our mind that all made sense, but it doesn't come across that well. So I have found three questions that can be really helpful. Toe. Ask yourself before you give feedback to another person. The first question to ask yourself is my feedback necessary? Is it necessary related to the relationship, the situation, the bottom line of the business? If you're in a business ISS my feedback necessary, Sometimes the answer will be yes. Sometimes the answer might be no. It is not really necessary to give this feedback a little word of warning here. Do not justify not giving feedback by hiding behind, saying, Oh, it probably isn't necessary. I'll just skip it. Sometimes we use that as an escape route. When we're fearful when we're afraid of giving feedback, we might hide behind saying, or it's probably not really necessary. But ask yourself honestly, it's my feedback necessary. Second question Number two iss. My feedback thought through. Have I thought it through? Sometimes in the rash of the moment when we get irritated or angry or whatever it might be . We give this feedback in. The words might come out in a way that, well, it's not that easy for the other person to receive it. Well, if we put it mildly so sometimes it's really worth taking the extra moments to think your feedback through. You might not need to give it right there. When the behavior that you want to give feedback related to happens, you might just want to sit back for a few moments or come back later in the day again to think it through and change those words a bit. Perhaps so there's a better chance of it arriving well with the other person, so to speak on. Question number three It's my feet back loving, meaning When you give the feedback, Do you give it lovingly? Is three intention to improve the other person on the relationship between the two of you? So it's is it given from a loving place again? Asking this question can help stop you from giving some feedback that might worsen the relationship where more come across is you being some kind of know it all or show off for whatever it might be so it's my feedback, really loving. So three questions to ask yourself before you give feedback to another person. It's my feet back necessary. Isett thought through Is it loving? Consider this sort of your safety net for on effective feedback that helps you deliver effective feedback to the people around you. 4. Seven tips for giving feedback: I want to share some tips with you about giving feedback that will help you deliver your feedback in a way that will make it land better with the recipient. Feedback is preferably given on behaviors something that the person can affect. So that would mean not on Ah, you have such a large nose or you're so stupid or you're so inconsiderate. So pick out the behavior something that the person is able to influence and change if they wish to give your feedback on a specific behaviour. When you came five minutes late to the meeting instead of just when you're late to meetings , be specific when you were five minutes late to the meeting on Monday, or when you interrupt me halfway through my sentence or even five words into my sentence, I get irritated. Or when you say hi to me in the corridor in the morning when we meet the first time off the day, I feel happy. So pick out the specific behavior so the person knows which behavior you're actually giving feedback on that they should continue doing. If that's something you're satisfied with or if it comes from an unsatisfied feeling, something that they could look at changing. Give the feedback at the right time. Sometimes that is sort of right when it happens, because it fits right there. So when it's fresh fruit, in some cases it might be better to wait, either, because you're so caught in that emotions. Let's say you you get angry or irritated when confronted with the behavior. You might want to cool down a bit on. Share your feet back five minutes later or in private of it later, perhaps depending on the maturity of the group. Or if you're in a meeting with a client, for example, and and your coworker does something there, you might wait till after the meeting to share it with your coworker, not in front of the client. So picking out the right time, which is sometimes right when their behavior happens and sometimes a bit later, Give it in the right amount. Don't build up this mountain. I've had this happen where people build out feedback they want to give during the whole year, and they don't say anything when the things happen. But they build it up and they have this mountain. And then, after a year or wherever. After three months, let's say, after a year they opened their mouth and this huge, enormous amount off feedback comes out and it gets totally overwhelming for the other person to even grasp half of it, or or part of it, so they should have shut down. Just is a psychological defense, and and you don't get your feedback through. So don't build up too much and give all of that at the same time. If you've built a mountain, pick the most important one and share that or best of all, avoid building the mountain. Give the feedback. Ask you go to create that climate off, giving feedback in your team and in your workplace. This one might seem almost stupid or super obvious, But believe me, I have seen this kind of out of whack a swell. Give your feet back to the right person, meaning the person it concerns. Sometimes we end up corridor talking. We talk about people instead of two. People don't become one of those people. Give your feet back to the right person, meaning the person. The feedback concerns. Use your own experiences. The starting point, meaning use I more than you so don't say you do. Do you do the whole time You need to get better at this. You need to explain yourself more clearly. Instead of say I when I see this behavior in you, I feel this way or I have a hard time understanding you go for I start from I and when you want to share the feedback I feel this. I reacted this way. This is important to me. So get I there instead of pointing your fingers at the other person and only saying you you , you you the whole time get the I in there, get yourself into the feedback So it becomes more of an opener, opening up the relationship and more clear about what you're saying and finally preferably give the feedback when there is a wish to receive it. But this is not always gonna work. Is not always people want feedback, but you feel it is really important to give it anyway for the relationship, for the bottom line off the organization, the business, whatever, if possible, ask the person. Would it be okay if I gave you some feedback right now or find the time when it when it it's OK. If they keep postponing it, you might need to give it anyway again. But preferably give the feedback when there's a wish to receive the feedback and you will increase the likelihood that the feedback will land well with the other person. 5. How Much "Positive" and "Negative" Feedback to Give: Ah, common question related to feedback is how much positive and negative feedback should I give how much praise and criticism I would say that I would shy away from positive and negative feedback in itself. Talk about effective feedback if you give it with purpose, of improving the relationship with the other person and the other person, if you give it from a loving place than it is effective, whether it's about something that you feel satisfied about or not satisfied about. But for the sake of this part here, let's say we talk about positive and negative positive in the shape of something you're satisfied with and negative in the form off something that you are less satisfied. Let's look at a few different perspectives that might have you answer that question. The sandwich model is popular in several organizations have encountered through the years and several situations. The sandwich in response to these so called positive and negative feedbacks or feedback that come from a satisfied feeling or satisfied experience on unsatisfied feeling or experience. So if you call them positive and negative, the sandwich model tries to package that negative feedback. The improvement feedback within two positive feedback. So in this case, you share a positive feedback first, and then you share the negative feedback, the improvement fit back, and then you finish off with a so called positive feedback that sort of reinforcing feedback. So you get a sandwich with the top layer of middle layer on the bottom layer, and the idea here is to get a sandwich, that improvement feedback in there, so it's easier for the other person to hear it. I have found that sometimes this worked brilliantly, and sometimes it works less brilliantly. So here again go exploring and say What works for you? The risk you can run here with the sandwich model is that people know when you're giving feedback that well, they almost don't even listen to the positives anymore. They just wait for that negative thing. I had a woman who worked in a reception, and she said she got this letter from management that he would always start the first half with everything that was working fine in the reception area and then halfway through the page, it had but and then came the improvements, the changes they wanted, she said. After a few months I stopped reading the top part so you might have this improvement feedback that you want to give. You might not find the other parts for the sandwich. Well, then it might anyway be useful to give that improvement, so they're called negative feedback. But if you can give the sandwich a try might work really well for you. One major lesson learned on my own behalf and that of others. It's better to give something than nothing. Avoid getting stocking. Oh, it's got to be perfectly formulated. It's gotta be at the right time and the right amount and everything. Gideon. Give something than nothing. At least you have something to talk about. That which is not communicated does not exist, was said by a wise person some time back again. If you don't communicated, it doesn't exist. And it's kind of an inner conflict that you carry around. So take the risk of it becoming an outer conflict by sharing something. Give the relationship a chance to involve on become even better and more effective by giving key point. Also to remember, you asked the leader hopefully or the leader. At least you're the manager. The leader is the role model. Your colleagues will not do it. You say they do issue, do this works for kids. Kids do not do as you say they do is you do same thing at work. Your co workers will not do as you say. If you don't walk the talk, walk the talk. It's a classical expression for this. They do as you do. So if you give lots of feedback, give both the so called positive and the negative and build that trust in the relationship , then they will do that, too. 6. Understand the All Important Relationship Account: Another perspective at this with giving feedback, but it's a bit different from the sandwich model is to think off a bank account in every relationship you have. You can see it as a bank account, a relationship account in each and every relationship to your team members and your family and friends. Off course also. But let's stay at work here. Looking at that. Something's make deposits into that account things like personal openess, caring about other people and so forth. When people feel that you're doing things that feel good to them and makes them trust them , feel better about you that is increasing the balance on that relationship account. Sometimes you need to make withdrawals, take liquidity, take take cash, so to speak. Take out of the balance in that account. And that can be situations when you need to give perhaps a constructive feedback about some improvement that the person might not feel so great about. But if you put stuff in there before they know you're a caring person, you've built that trust in that account in the bank of trust, so to speak. Then there is something to take out of you when you make that would roll from that relationship account. You don't run down to zero. You have cash in their sort of speak equity to take off in that account. Now the problem occurs if you don't make those conscious efforts to put into the account on increased equity and increased the balance there because then when you make a withdrawal in a conflict, for example, if something that doesn't feel good to the other person, then you're on a negative balance. And this can cause all kinds of problems because then you run into depth and you have to pay interest as well, which will increase their negative balance. So you run into or council problems in relationships when you run minus, so to speak on that relationship account. So whether it's giving positive or negative feedback, just make sure you put enough positive stuff in there, reinforcing feedback throughout the days, the weeks and so forth. And when you need to give that so called negative feedback, there is equity. There is trust in that relationship account. It's well worth remembering that when you give feedback, you also share something about yourself. You share about what's important to you how you react to things, what behaviors you react to be much your feelings in there. And requests will also say something about you if you request a different behavior in the future. So people learn more about you. So by adding that openness, you can increase the trust and then again, more openness, which will allow you to have more effective work relationships. Make sure you make regular deposits into that relationship account, like small talk showing that you care, putting, putting value in there into the relationship account so sometime when there is a conflict. Or you need to share something that might not be so popular with the other person. That because it's ah, it's important to the bottom line or the vision what so forth? Then you're gonna make that withdrawal from that relationship account. But if you haven't made deposits, then of course you're in trouble. So make sure, as a manager asked their leader that you make those regular deposit small deposits into the relationship account with each and every person 7. I-Statements for Effective Feedback: when you want to give another person feedback, you might be in the situation of many others before you might be thinking. How am I going to say this in a way? So it'll land well as well as possible with the other person. So I don't worsen a conflict or start a conflict or the other person becomes overly irritate. Er, increase the distance between us. Now there is hope. One of my favorite ways of thinking when framing it when I'm going to deliver feedback is to use an I statement to give fit back. It has four different parts weaken like in this with a jigsaw puzzle with four pieces. I don't necessarily have to get all four pieces in there every time, but the more I can get in there, the more Claire my message. What I want to say is going to be now. The first part here is about an observation I observed something that the other person is doing. The trick here is to be not judging the behavior and labelling or interpreting and not saying it's good or bad or this just describing when you do this specific neutral description off a behavior and I'll give you an example at the end here so you can see this alive and kicking, so to speak, how you can use I statements. The second part of the puzzle is a feeling this will tell the other person if you reacted with a satisfied around satisfied feeling to this. So we'll also tell them something about yourself. You describe the behaviour, you add the feeling when you do this or that. I feel whatever you feel righ react with the third piece to the puzzle will be on need. When you have a need in here again, you're disclosing something about yourself. People will know where this feedback is coming from. Why are you saying this? So it also helped them receive this fit back in a good as away as possible on the need here says why is this important to me? Finally, the fourth piece is the request something specific. You risk West the other person to do traps to avoid here with the request. This avoid making it vague or something like Don't do this because then you're not telling the person what you actually want them to do. You were just saying what you don't want them to. For example, let's say your kid is climbing the lamp in the living room, and that's kind of making you upset. So you say, Don't climb the lamp in the living room. What do you think might happen 30 seconds later, they're climbing lamp in the kitchen instead because you told them not to coin the lamp in the living room. Same thing with your co workers. Be clear, making a specific doable request. So I promised you, Ah, live example of this. Let's say I've been riding with my colleague to work. He or she was driving kind of fast going into the office, so I and I felt scared at the time, so I might then say, Oh, you realize it launched the driver. Don't drive like that again. Judging, labeling, interpreting and so forth. If I want to use this, I stayed, but it would sound something like this. First, the behavior. The observation off, the behavior specific when you drove 90 MPH or 90 kilometers per hour wherever you're located in the world and the way you measure speed when you drove 90 MPH in that 90 degree turn again clear observation feeling. I felt scared when you drove 90 MPH in that 90 degree turn going into the office. I felt scared or I reacted with fear. The need, because it is important to me with safety or to show consideration of other people in around you. The request. Here again, I don't say, Don't go that fast or or I can be vague and say I want you to go slower What would happen the next morning? If the person then goes 89 MPH? Will I feel less scared? Most likely not. I will still feel scared. So again, it's being specific. So, for example, I would like you to slow down your new sports car on go 30 MPH instead, that would sit really well with me. So a specific, doable request so other people know what to do again. You don't need to get all four pieces in there. Sometimes it can be enough. Like if I'm happy in the morning that someone said hello to me in the corridor, I might describe the behaviour when when you when I met you in the corridor this morning and you looked into my eyes. You raised your hand and you said hi and I saw what looked like a smile on your face That made me really happy, because it's important for me to be seen by other people and have a good working relationship with my colleagues. So that felt really great. That was really happy about that. So again, specifically describing your behaviour, adding a feeling on why that was important to me. So I statesman's work both when it's something that you're happy about on when it's something you're unhappy about on, you want the change in that specific behaviour. 8. Receiving feedback: unequally. Important part off the feedback equation is receiving feedback, and there are quite a few things you can do there. Also, Teoh improve your feedback skills. So let's look at the feedback staircase to help us understand the different ways that we can receive feedback and the potential effect that can have on the relationship on the future. Cooperation. The first step off the feedback staircase. The lowest step ISS, where you deny feedback that you get so it's you don't even acknowledge that the feedback exist. Push it away without giving pretty much no response at all. The second step up is where you defend against the feedback. That's not true. That's not the case that you got it all wrong. The third step, if you move one more step up, is about explaining. It often starts with the words, yes, but so yes, that's true, But it was because I or this or that. So there's an explanation, the fourth step on the feedback staircase. That's when we get to understanding where we really utilize the fact that we have two ears and only one mouth. So we ask clarifying questions. We make sure we really understand what the other person means with their feedback. What specific behaviour with the giving feedback on how their that make them react and so forth. Let's use a practical example here to understand these different steps on the feedback staircase. Let's say I've been driving my car about 90 MPH or kilometers per hour. I don't think it matters that much if we say that it's a 90 degree turn coming into the workplace, for example, on that my passenger got scared when I was driving him on. My passenger take makes the effort to give me feedback, describes the behavior, how they found and so forth myself. Then, if I react to this feedback, I received this feedback there in the car. Choosing to deny the feedback would mean that I get out of the cargo, slammed the door on walk away. There would be sort of one example of denying the fit back if I am on the second step, meaning defend. Then I turned to my passenger and I go, That's not right. No, no, no. It wasn't 90 per hour. It was 89 kilometers or MPH. You got it all wrong That's not true. I defend myself against the fit back. If I go to the third step in my response to this fit back, it would be about explaining myself. You know, I had to go that fast cause you know, we were late for Marcus is seminar. And you know how he gets. If if we're late so I find way so justifying or explaining my behavior the fourth step, that understanding would mean OK, so asking questions, listening was it which turn Wasit was in that term? Was that where you felt that I went too fast? Was that where you felt scared? So really taking the time to listen. Now, this is about the first initial response person as perceived by the person giving me the feedback is I might get that feedback about my driving, for example, and I might walk away and slam the doors I might be denying. But then in the back of my head, maybe you've experienced this sometime where you go and think about something that someone said. And then after maybe a couple of weeks, I realized, Well, maybe I was driving a bit too fast, So I guess I do want to slow down. So then I've understood the feedback, so there's been a process inside where I moved up the steps. But again, the response the other person saw the initial response was that deny? And how fun is it to make the time and effort to deliver a feedback to another person? If they keep defending or denying the feedback the whole time you're gonna lose, gonna lose the joy or the desire to give that person's I'm well formulated. Feedback in a dozen increased the trust rather the opposite way around. So take some time and consider consider. How do you usually react? What's your step when you receive it back, You can look at it a bit like a piece of candy or whatever something with a wrapper on on here. If you If you're on the denies step, users throw it away. Defend you cannot keep it away. And if you move up to understand, that would mean that you take the wrapping off. You put it in your mouth and you taste it. Then you can make a choice because when we get to the understand step, that's where we have the choice then we can choose to either change our behavior or we can choose to remain. We have a choice, change or remain. That's where we get access to those two choices. So I take that in my mind that tasted and if it makes sense to me, I might swallow it. If it doesn't make sense, I want to remain because it's more important for me with a car and driving example to drive my new car fast. That's my value in life is going fast adventure and so forth. I spit it out. I value that more than the relationship, perhaps to that person giving me the feedback so again it's worthwhile to reflect on where you end up so you can encourage other people to give you more. Feedback is that's how we grow. That's how relationships grow. That's how you create. That really strong team is where you have the exchange of feedback in your going to be the role model there about how to receive feedback to work your way up these steps and make sure you're at sort of the top of the ladder, receiving your feedback from your colleagues