How to Overcome Shyness, Timidness and Social Awkwardness? | Nar Mina | Skillshare

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How to Overcome Shyness, Timidness and Social Awkwardness?

teacher avatar Nar Mina, Wellness and Happiness

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Watch this class and thousands more

Get unlimited access to every class
Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Lessons in This Class

43 Lessons (3h 22m)
    • 1. Introduction

      3:02
    • 2. Being a shy person

      4:31
    • 3. Feeling out of place

      5:23
    • 4. Are you shy?

      5:20
    • 5. Different types of shyness

      4:49
    • 6. Why do we become shy?

      4:27
    • 7. Feeling shy

      4:25
    • 8. What is shy person’s real problem?

      6:08
    • 9. Shy person’s safety behaviors

      4:48
    • 10. Introversion and Shyness

      4:11
    • 11. Shyness and its relations to other traits

      4:10
    • 12. Embarrassment. How to deal with embarrassment?

      5:42
    • 13. What is a shy person thinking about?

      3:09
    • 14. Shy person’s beliefs

      6:01
    • 15. Shyness and Perfectionism

      5:04
    • 16. Negative consequences of being shy

      3:16
    • 17. Shyness over the phone

      4:07
    • 18. Shy person’s strategies for coping

      5:44
    • 19. Attitudes toward shy people

      4:23
    • 20. Shyness in western culture

      5:06
    • 21. Is being shy a bad thing?

      2:47
    • 22. Conditional and Unconditional self acceptance

      6:30
    • 23. Fear of being disliked

      3:52
    • 24. Self monitoring your behavior

      4:53
    • 25. How to socialize naturally

      5:08
    • 26. Shyness and Body image

      4:15
    • 27. Shyness, Beauty and Self Esteem

      3:30
    • 28. “Superiority” and “Inferiority”

      3:52
    • 29. Feelings of inferiority

      5:39
    • 30. People who are not shy. What is so special about them?

      5:44
    • 31. Changing how you think

      7:03
    • 32. Challenging your negative thoughts

      4:27
    • 33. Assertiveness. Dealing with criticism

      4:56
    • 34. Understanding social rules and conventions

      6:01
    • 35. Improving conversation skills (part 1)

      4:09
    • 36. Improving conversation skills (part 2)

      3:44
    • 37. Reducing self-consciousness

      3:27
    • 38. Improving your self-esteem

      4:53
    • 39. Solving the shyness problem (part 1)

      3:51
    • 40. Solving the shyness problem (part 2)

      3:15
    • 41. Building confidence

      4:56
    • 42. Being genuine. Being yourself

      5:07
    • 43. Final thoughts

      5:45
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About This Class

Do you feel nervous in situations where you will be meeting new people? Do you find yourself wishing you had more friends? How much does your shyness bother you or interfere with your life? Do people misinterpret your shyness as a sign of aloofness or a snobby attitude?

Nearly everyone sometimes feels shy:

  • Before making an important announcement
  • When you want to make a good impression on someone
  • When raising a delicate issue with someone in a position of authority
  • When you have to make a complaint, etc.

Many people across the world describe themselves as shy. They are concerned that people will look at them, evaluate them, and judge them poorly. They fear rejection.

In many cases, people are unhappy with this trait. Shyness prevents them from doing things they would like to be able to do, such as getting out and making new friends, assuming greater positions of responsibility at work. They would like to change things so that they wouldn’t have to feel like this.

Shyness refers to feeling awkward or uncertain in social situations. It is associated with self-consciousness, excessive monitoring of behavior and over-rehearsal of potential statements. For many people, making small talk, asking other people for directions, saying hello to a neighbor – is very difficult. They want desperately to participate in conversation, but feel ill-equipped to do so. They feel frustrated, alienated and excluded. They hesitate, can’t be spontaneous in speech, and don’t express opinions. Shy people are often erroneously considered rude or aloof.

 Shyness is also related to perfectionism, desire to please others, sensitivity to criticism, fear of rejection, suggestibility, difficulty relaxing, and frequent worry.

This course will be useful for anyone who is troubled by shyness and experiences difficulties when interacting with other people. It will provide you with sufficient information about shyness and offer a variety of strategies to overcome it. You will develop a better understanding of the problem and learn practical skills to deal with shyness.

The course includes the following topics:

  1. Developing social skills
  2. Building self-esteem
  3. How to cope with the challenges posed by shyness
  4. Enhancing your social effectiveness
  5. Understand yourself better
  6. How to get rid of feelings of inferiority
  7. How does shyness develop and what keeps it going
  8. How to deal with embarrassment
  9. How to reduce self-consciousness
  10. How to stop monitoring your behavior
  11. How to build up confidence
  12. How to change thinking patterns
  13. How to deal with underlying beliefs and assumptions
  14. How to become more assertive
  15. Are introverts shy? Shyness and introversion
  16. What causes people to be shy?
  17. Situations that elicit shyness
  18. Feeling out of place in social encounters
  19. Why are perfectionists shy?
  20. Negative consequences of being shy
  21. Is shyness a positive trait?
  22. Shyness over the phone
  23. Social clumsiness
  24. Shy person’s strategies for coping
  25. Attitudes toward shy people
  26. Shyness and cultural messages
  27. The fear of being disliked
  28. Fear of disapproval and rejection
  29. Shyness and your body-image
  30. Feeling inferior to others
  31. How to socialize naturally
  32. Challenging your negative thoughts
  33. Low self-esteem. What to do about it?
  34. How to communicate effectively. Improving communication skills
  35. Dealing with criticism
  36. Understanding social rules and conventions
  37. Improving your conversation skills
  38. How to be and act genuine

Meet Your Teacher

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Nar Mina

Wellness and Happiness

Teacher

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Transcripts

1. Introduction: Do you often struggle to find things to say when making casual conversation or small talk. Do you keep quiet at parties or meetings because you find it difficult to contribute to conversations. When you do get involved in a conversation, perhaps you find that the discussion fizzles quickly as you and the other person run out of things to say. Your attention during a social interaction is on yourself and how you are coming across to other people. You worry about how you look and what others are thinking about you. You may avoid others at work for fear of criticism or rejection. You stay on an evolved unless you are sure or being liked or not being ridiculed. You are inhibited in strange social contexts, feel inferior and fear of being embarrassed. China's is to do with lack of satisfaction, was live reduced opportunities for enjoyment and happiness. Wanting to create a particular impression upon others. Feeling insecure and lacking confidence, awkwardness, and being electrons with other people. Extreme discomfort during social events. The behavior of shy people, their body language, shouts discomfort. There, silence and nerves. They mentally scroll through all the different ways in which the conversation might fail. And while doing this, they missed a beat and the discussion moves on. These statements are rare and erratic. They averts, disrupt the rhythm of the dialogue. Shy people unsettled others because they unsettled the unspoken social roles. China's is regarded as a deviation from normal and desirable behavior. And shy people are often misperceived as rude, aloof, or antisocial. This course, who tissue to become less shy, to decrease self-consciousness during social interactions? To feel more comfortable in social situations. To increase your enjoyment of life. To feel more confident and improve your self-esteem. To increase your ability to express yourself. How to deal with was feeling uncomfortable and awkward and how to overcome in their expert. 2. Being a shy person: China's refers to nervousness or discomfort in social situations. Usually because of fear about doing something embarrassing or foolish, making a bad impression, or being judged critically by others. For many people, shyness is limited to certain types of social situations. For example, some people are very uncomfortable in formal, work-related situations, like presentations and meetings, which are quite comfortable in more casual situations, like parties and socializing with friends. Others may show the exact opposite pattern. With formal work situations being easier than unstructured social gatherings. China's can range in intensity from being fairly mild to completely incapacitating. It may prevent us from developing friendships, working, or even starting a conversation. We all can become shy when we meet new people, ask someone for a date, attend social get-togethers where we don't know anyone give a speech at awaiting OSCON able not to park their car in front of our house, remained a friend that they haven't returned a book they borrowed or money will have lent him. Attend a job interview, speak to our manager in the office, complain about form to work or return unwanted goods to a shop. We dread these occasions when they come round and we'll meet, put off confronting them for as long as we can. So we hang around outside the bosses door, postponing, knocking on it, or will take advantage of every opportunity to delay the meeting. We chat about the weather and everything else other than draw the decorators attention to the quality of work while not happy with. We'll go to other shops before we can face entering the one where we want to return the garment that it doesn't feed. We might spend a lot of time and energy rehearsing what we are going to say, practicing our opening lines, thinking what to say if the decorator tells us that divergence is exactly what was asked for, or the shop assistant implies that it was us who scratched the item. It's difficult to find the right words to say. Although lots of things you might see race through our mind will lead to sound stupid. Well, I reveal my ignorance. By the chyme, will have summoned the courage to utter a remark. The conversation has moved on. With few ill at ease, self-conscious, and out of place. Shy people feel ambivalent about the prospect of interaction. On the one hand, they wanted to participate. On the other hand, D here that they have nothing to say. Or it will say or do the wrong thing and face embarrassment. The shy person is not simply absent from interaction as an introvert might be, but rather remains there. Hovering on the fringe, indicating a desire to be recognized, but seemingly unwilling to participate. She experiences and internal conflict between wanting to be included but not to be judged. Some psychologists think that China's is a kind of self-importance. Do you think it is based on the assumption that you matter so much that everyone should pay you lots of attention. 3. Feeling out of place: Eating a meal when other people are in the room becomes unbearable. If you have an intense fear that you will visibly tremble while holding a knife or a fork. You avoid canteens and restaurants speaking to your neighbors, x2 perspire or stammer. So he arranged to leave and enter your house when they are not inside. You can never think what you say to a fellow commuter whom you see regularly on the journey to work. So when you see her walking ahead of your station, you hang back so that you can sit in a different carriage or even catch later Tree. Anything to avoid having to make conversation. When you are shy, you are uncertain what to say or do. Sometimes you cover this up with gobbling, talking a lot. Deep down, you are worried about what others will think of you. You feel that you will show yourself to be inadequate or stupid, or make public that you do not know anything about the topic being discussed. You might also fear that others will find out that you are shy. You don't want them to know. This immediately creates a conflict. If you remain quiet, you are more likely to be seen as shy. But you can't just speak up because of the inhibition that your shyness creates. You feel that people will see you for what you really are and that they will think badly of this. Real you. Being shy involves feelings of awkwardness and out of place. These people lack a sense of belonging to the groups with which they associated themselves. They are not able to join in with people around them and to feel comfortable with them. That's why they are overlooked, not invited to events, or sort of when promotion is under discussion. They may be perceived by others as liking, interest in other people, as being self-centered, rude, or unfriendly. Rule-breaking is the full path or an actual mistake that the shy person makes when trying to negotiate social encounters. This might be a clumsily performed action. Miss time statements, awkward silence, bodily gestures such as shaking or blushing, or simply a demeanor that is given off. The body, kind of shuts off when the people are shy. They are not expressive. They are not waving their hands when they are talking. They don't have a lot of eye contact or facial expressions. The shy person is extremely concerned about the risk of making a four-part and exposing what he sees as a secret force in his character. All of these 4-part occur as a result of trying to consume lack of social skills. She feels as if everybody else seems to know the unspoken rules of interaction and thus are able to provide more poised, socially competent performance. For the shy silences can be very embarrassing, probably because you don't know what the other person is thinking. When it goes silent, you are thinking, What are they thinking now? And the longer it goes on, nobody can break it. It's as if you are not intelligent enough to keep the conversation going, or you are not exciting enough, or you are boring. As if you ought to be talkative and Chile, in order to be worth a company. The silence of the shy person is accompanied by intense mental activity. Thinking how you appear to others. Mentally rehearsing what you might say, thinking of something to say, and then rejecting it because you are unsure about the impression it will create. Often, we can talk easily it with colleagues at work about work stuff. But when there is any social conversation over coffee or into pop off the work, we feel shy and don't know what to say. We really join in a group discussion, are embarrassed and tongue-tied. If you are asked a question and a conversation never seems to get going when you are taking part in it. We can find it particularly hard to join in teasing or banter. It's impossible for us to tell a joke when a group are listening, even if the joke had raised a lot, when we had told it elsewhere. 4. Are you shy?: Is it hard for you to know how or when to end conversations? Do you find it difficult to know where defined line between appropriate self-disclosure and talking too much about yourself. Do you often offend other people, list comments that you make? Do you avoid going to parties, particularly when you want no people there? When the telephone rings, you avoid answering it. Do you are turned down opportunities to do presentations, even when they are important? Do you wear certain close to hide defects that you perceive in your appearance? Do you purposely and the presentation late so that there is no time for questions? Do you avoid making eye contact with the audience? If you are attending a party? Do you stay close to someone you know well, so that you won't have to talk to other people. Do you have a drink or two as soon as you get to the potty so that your anxiety doesn't get too high. Do you offer to help indication so you won't have to talk to the other guests. Do you take frequent bathroom breaks to avoid being who was everyone else? When you are talking to other guests at the party? Do you ask the other person lots of questions to keep the focus of the conversation of you. Do you attend to remember the bad things that have happened to you and that people have said about you. How about stating your opinion? Talking to people was a lot of status or wealth or fame. Meeting someone, you find attractive, performing tasks in public, like eating, riding, dancing, using the telephone in someone's presence. Are there ways in which you try extra hard in social situations to compensate for faults that you perceive yourself to have. For example, do you over-prepared for presentations by putting together too much material, memorizing the presentation, or reading the presentation word for word from your notes. Do you rehearse everything that you are going to save before meeting somewhere? Just in case you become overly anxious and lose your train of thought. Do you go out of your way to talk a lot to IPO or outgoing, just so people won't notice that you are anxious. The thought of eating in public terrifies you. You couldn't cope with an argument at work or was being criticized. You would brood on it forever. You think that others will notice your weaknesses or awkwardness, that you will be dismissed, ignored, or criticized for not behaving more acceptably. You have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend because you can't bring yourself to ask anyone out. You'll wonder whether you will measure up in the eyes of others. You focus exclusively on the other person. To draw attention away from yourself. You take a friend to an outing so that you don't have to deal with new people. You joke or talk excessively. So you don't have to engage in serious conversation where people might find out about you. You all will rehearse what you are about to say to minimize the chances of saying the wrong thing. Or you go along with the popular opinion. Even if you don't really agree. You may feel as if you are at the center of attention. At the same time, you may feel inferior and inadequate that you believe that no one is at all interested in you. You may become preoccupied with yourself and was what is happening to you, and experienced self-consciousness. At the same time, you may be quite uncertain about your identity, about who you are. You don't want it to be disregarded, but you want it to be invisible. You think you are not worth noticing. But you are quite sure that everyone notices. You'll most of us are shy on at least some occasions. We know this and can cope with it. For others, china's is something that B would change if they could. For yet others. China's is crippling. It impedes their social functioning and prevents them from living the life they want to do. 5. Different types of shyness: There are different types of shy people. Some people see themselves as shy and are recognized as shy by others. There are people who feel secretly shy but managed to cover it up. They may appear to be poised and competent, but feel that this is very much a performance. They often look confident on the outside while experiencing intense anxiety on the inside. The header imposter phenomenon and have this fear of being exposed as a fraud. China's can be divided into two major types. One form of shyness, simply a personality trait whereby people take their time to feel comfortable in social situations. They take their time to feel comfortable with strangers. Another form of China's has more to do with concerns about being evaluated. This shyness is more closely related to social anxiety. Social anxiety is what underlies China's. Anxiety is an uncomfortable internal state, usually associated with uncertainty or the unknown. It is a lot like fear, but fewer is what you feel when you know what you are afraid or when someone points in gun at your head, you don't feel anxiety. You feel here. You know exactly what it is that is causing your heart to race. When you exit the door of your house to take out the garbage at night, you may feel anxious wondering if someone is looking in the shadows waiting to attack you. This is anxiety, not feel, because you don't know whether something bad is going to happen. You think it is a possibility, but you can't be sure. So you feel anxious about it. Anxiety is an emotion you feel when you believe there might be a threat. Fear is an emotion you feel when you know there is a threat. Social anxiety is discomfort you may experience when you are around other people. Usually, social anxiety is associated with concerns about being scrutinized. When you are around other people and you worry about what they think of you and feel uncomfortable. You are experiencing social anxiety. The notion of social anxiety overlaps tremendously with shyness. The only difference between the two is the degree to which they affect your life. Usually, we can identify a shy person by observing a behavior. In contrast, anxiety is an internal state. It is something that people feel. It is not something that can be observed by others. If you only feel somewhat uncomfortable in some situations, then you have shyness. But if that feeling of discomfort or anxiety become more serious, disappointing to where your body reacts strongly physically, like panic attacks, and it affects your daily functioning. Then you have social anxiety. Most shy people don't experience overwhelming anxiety in the face of social situations. They need a little time to warm up into presence of others or in unfamiliar situations. Which ones they get involved. They are anxiety evaporates. Some people experienced China's such an extent that they avoid social situations or they endure these situations was intense discomfort. A person can be so afraid of rejection that she avoids people and social events as much as possible to minimize not only the risk of rejection, but also the risk of experiencing anxiety in the first place. If your shyness lies somewhere between mild and extreme, we need to realize that this need not be permanent. People move up and down the continuum, depending on life circumstances and inner strengths and resources. 6. Why do we become shy?: There is evidence that China's is based in biology, but learning and experience also contribute. If anyone has some degree of China's, some people have a lot, some have illegal, and most have an amount somewhere in-between. Think of it as you would. Height. Height is a physical trait. Some people are tall, some are short, but most are somewhere in-between. It is one of those physical traits that are largely heritable, that is, due to the effect of genius. You are born with a predetermined likelihood of being a particular height. Height is also influenced by factors such as diet, exercise, and perhaps the amount of stress in the environment. China's like height is influenced by genes, but not exclusively. So China's is a trait. The things that we'll learn throughout life and the experiences we have, the choices we make can strongly influence the vast majority of our traits. There are many factors that can contribute to the development of a shy personality. They include my siblings or classmates, often over things we have no control over, such as freckles, wait, wearing glasses, and so on. Being different, such as being extra tall or short, suffering deformities, feeling marginalized due to race, poverty or ethnicity. A chaotic household, frequent relocation, emotionally unstable parent who really trauma, such as illness, accident, or loss of a parent. Family difficulties may also have contributed to being shy. These include growing up in families where there is a lot of conflict between adults, where the adults are overly critical of the children and nothing is ever good enough. There is excessive concern about what other people think. It is possible that having these childhood experiences makes it more likely that a person will experience China's later in life. On the other hand, it is important to realize that many people have these kinds of experiences and don't develop china's. It may be that people who aren't genetically prone to shine us are sensitive to these kinds of experiences. A very extroverted, gregarious child may find it easy to brush off negative comments from an over critical parent. But Achaemenid, introspective child may be more likely to take these comments to heart, leading to greater insecurity and self-doubt. Blaming people, parents, teachers, siblings, or peers for how you have turned out will not lead to change in yourself. In order to tackle China's need to learn new ways of relating to people. You ways of behaving around others, and new ways of thinking about social situations. And once you have learned these things, you just need to practice them. Genes and biology are motor destiny. Many conditions are strongly influenced but not ultimately determined by genetic factors. Examples include diabetes and heart disease. We have the option of choosing to change the way we experience our lives. You can adopt a new worldview. You can get rid of old habits, shy genes or not. You can overcome China's. 7. Feeling shy: China's sometimes can lead people to engage in frequent checking and reassurance, seeking. For example, frequently looking in the mirror to make sure that your hair is perfect. Or continually asking your friends, reassure you that you are interesting or smart. By asking for reassurance over and over again, you may strengthen do believe that there is something wrong with you. Why else would you need to check so often? Constantly asking others about how you look. Because people to get tired of always having to provide you with a reassurance. Also, if you constantly ask others to make judgments about your, for instance, to tell you how smart, attractive, or interesting you are. You may actually be training them to be more observant and scrutinizing of you than they might otherwise be. If you are shy, you tend to be passive and hesitate. You avoid taking initiative. Us hold opinions. You go to familiar places, only. Stick with old friends. Agree with majority. Dress. All key. Take great pains to dress inaccurately and tend to be overly helpful and agreeable. You obsess about how you're coming across to the other person. You think about what to say next. Rather than focusing on what the other person is saying. It is difficult remembering what the other person said. Because it was difficult to pay attention in the first place. You wonder if you will ever be able to think of anything to see and start to feel uncomfortably hot? The louder people talk, the more you think, I really don't belong here. Nothing I could think of to say would interest these people. This makes it harder for you to join in the conversation. So you keep quiet and retreat into your shell. Aware of how inept you must seem in other people's eyes? You look out for a way of leaving early, hoping that you can slip away without drawing too much attention to yourself. You feel inadequate compared to other people. You wonder if you can ever change. As you have always been shy. Other shy people seem to have managed to grow out of it. You also ask yourself whether there is something wrong with you. You may believe that everyone is always watching God or your feelings and noticing your shortcomings. Or you may believe that everyone is more confident and competent than you are by shrinking your body or in your eyes and keeping your thoughts and your feelings to yourself. You protect yourself from others. You may have found ingenious ways to remain invisible and unnoticed. Many shy people are not sure how to start conversations. 0 to keep conversations going, or how to deal with conflict situations. They don't know how to give or accept compliments. They are not quite sure what to say and when to say it. They mentally rehearse what they are going to say. The repeated over and over to themselves, wondering if it will come out right. Imagining what others will make of it. Many things come into their mind, but they don't see them. By the time all these potential contributions have raised through their mind, the opportunity has passed and the conversation has moved on. It is this wondering what others will think that is at the heart of their quietness and shyness. 8. What is shy person’s real problem?: Shy individuals lack confidence in themselves and have low self-esteem. They believe they are in some way inferior or inadequate than others. Some white behind, nondescript, causing long hair and shrunken posture, or too quiet voice. They desperately want acceptance, respect, and love from others. But fear rejection. They think too much of what others think of them. For example, before giving a presentation, you may tell yourself that you are going to lose your train of thought and that others will notice how uncomfortable you are. You imagine that the others will interpret your discomfort as a sign of weakness. As you continue to dwell on these anxious thoughts, your face shields flushed, and your heart rate increases. Finally, you make a decision to read your presentation word for word to be sure that your anxiety, it doesn't cause you to lose your place during the presentation. Successfully avoiding the object of the shy people condemned themselves to become strangers in a strange land and they suffer for it. Ultimately, they isolated themselves from the warmth of human contact that is essential to all of us. The vividly imagine all the possible horrors of a relationship and become obsessed with the rewards versus the cost of dealing with anyone. Even in an ongoing relationship. They often feel to convert acquaintances into friends, friends into lovers. Many live by the gold-plated rule. Give nothing to others as you would have them give nothing to you. No commitment, no sharing, no obligation, no responsibility, no favors to be returned or expected. But no man or woman can exist happily with a terrible knowledge that they are not needed by some other person over a lifetime. The actual pain or filling insignificant and invisible is far greater than the imagined pain of an occasional rejection. Many shy people long for the small talk, idle chatter, laughter, and friendship that seem to be going on with other people. Sometimes do you feel anger at being left out of the phone? Even when they have turned down, the invitation to join in. The shy may often become bolder if the other person indicates warmth and readiness to relate beyond a superficial smile and a shallow greeting. But the other person has to send up OBS, smoke signals for the passively shy person to get the message and begin to act on it cautiously. Of course, shy people often have trust issues. They either have little trust in others or please too much trust in people, which eventually leads to disappointment and hurt. They can even develop a fear of intimacy, of getting too close to someone because they dread that intimacy with another will only lead to abandonment and rejection. The person then shies away from social contact because she anticipates a negative outcome of hurt and betrayal of trust. For some people, shyness is something that prevents the expression of their true selves. It is a barrier to building social relationships. The person's true self is confined within the shell. This shell prevents the shy person from revealing too much personal information or making herself vulnerable to criticism. The shell confines and constraints her making it difficult for anyone else to get close to her and to see who she really is. The shy, believe that anything they may say has to come out perfect, useful, supremely witty, as if everyday life is some kind of situation comedy. They believe that everybody is watching and judging them, which is kind of narcissistic. You can easily exaggerate in your mind the degree of attention that others pay to you, or how much of your behavior on others notice. Others might not notice that you are being quiet. Even if they do so, they might not attributed this to shyness. They might see it as natural quietness. Since not everyone is noisy or extroverted. Some people feel shy without demonstrating any overt signs of it. They can be confident in the impression that they create in others. But inside it is a different matter. The confident impression they convey is not achieved easily or without cost. They really feel at ease these situations. Thus, under such pressure, just showing up the best shy people feel they can do. Many shy people report feeling more comfortable when they are alone. No one can hurt us if you are alone. But isolation doesn't eliminate pain. It creates a different kind of pain. Loneliness. Choosing solitude. Autofill is a painful way to exist in the world. 9. Shy person’s safety behaviors: Shy people tend to scrutinize their own performance in social encounters before, during, and after the event. They asserted themselves unrealistically high standards for performance. And then think about how they have failed to meet them. The most common behavior of shy people is to either avoid the anxiety provoking situation completely, or to do something else to reduce the anxiety. These behaviors are often called safety behaviors because they are carried out in an effort to feel safer. Avoidance is one of the most common behaviors that helps to maintain your fear and anxiety. It is very effective at reducing discomfort in the short term. However, in the long-term, it maintains here in social situations because it prevents you from learning that your negative predictions are unlikely to come through. Here are some examples of sudden avoidance strategies people use in social situations. Turning down an invitation to a party, making an excuse not to have dinner with a friend, never answering or asking questions, offering to help with the dishes at a party in order to avoid talking to the guests. Making an excuse to get off the telephone, was a friend or coworker having the room dark during your presentation in order to keep the audience focused on the slides, rather than on you wearing makeup and their turtleneck sweater to hide your blushing. Always attempting to office holiday party was a close friend, spouse, or other safe person. Even though other guests usually attend alone. Staying close to a trusted friend or your spouse at a gathering, and relying on that person to do most of the talking. Remaining in one location at a gathering, trying to converse with one or two people and not mingle with the others. Having a few glasses of wine before going to a party. And if you more, when you arrive. Escaping early from social situations, for instance, leaving a party after a few minutes can have a negative impact on your fear. By reinforcing your experience that being in the situation makes you uncomfortable and leaving the situation provides relief. In reality, staying in a situation despite the fear that it arouses also leads to a reduction in anxiety. By staying until your field decreases, you will learn that you can feel comfortable and safe. Taking the role of the detached observer appeals to the shy because it allows them to satisfy their need for socializing vicariously. They can feel as if they are part of the encounter without needing to contribute actively to it. There is relatively little stress to be faced. Some people find solace in this marginal position because it allows them to relax the monitoring of their own behavior. They retreat to their own private world, minimizing their participation. They enjoy being with people and observing them, providing they do not have to take an active part in socializing. Shy people often resolve the dilemma of developing new relationships by doing nothing. They choose the security of isolation over the risk of being rejected. They almost always choose to be alone rather than risk rejection. But in protecting themselves, the most important feedback from others who might be sharing the very same feelings. We must all take this risk to establish the important relationships in our lives. 10. Introversion and Shyness: A common perception among the population is that China's and introversion go hand in hand. Introverts may be misperceived as shy because they did not see much in conversations. They sit back and listen and may not reveal much about themselves. But there is a difference between these contentedly at quiet or introverted people who feel able to perform, but simply prefer not to be shy or desperately wanted to say more, but feel unable to. Quiet and introverted people may be falsely accused of being shy by those who do not know them. Just as secretly shy, imposters may be able to give off the impression of competence. Shy adults take longer to produce their first words in conversation was an unfamiliar person. They are slow work to break a silence. The introvert avoid social situations by choice because he simply prefers his own company. He is not highly sociable. Unlike the shy person, the quiet introvert does not feel an anguished ambivalence about being noticed and listen to when necessary. The introvert is not actively trying to think of things to say. She's just being quiet because she wants to. It's like when you don't really care about what other people think about you, you may not see very much. But when he does want to speak out, he has no reservations about doing so. Shy people feel motivated to be with others and enjoy social encounters when they go well. But China's prevents them from satisfying the need. There are shy introverts and non shy introvert. Just as there are shy extroverts and non shy extroverts. Introverts are people will get, their energy, will slay from within themselves. They enjoy their inner world of salts. They like to spend time in their own company. At none shy, introvert as no trouble interacting with others. She can keep up a piece of high social energy, but only for a limited amount of time. After a while, she gets tired and needs to find a quiet place where she can be by herself and restore her energy in quiet ways. Is shy. Introvert also gets his energy from within himself. However, he's not as easygoing when it comes to social interactions. Is troubled about being self-conscious. Experiencing feelings of loneliness. Troubled was feelings of inferiority and self-consciousness. Superiors worrying over humiliating experiences. You can be a shy extroverts like Barbra Streisand, who has a larger than life personality and parallelizing stage fright, or a non shy introvert like Bill Gates, who by all accounts keeps to himself, but he's unphased by the opinions of others. You can also, of course, be both shy and an introvert. 11. Shyness and its relations to other traits: The experience of China's is related to other personality traits including social anxiety, introversion, perfectionism, self-consciousness, depressed mood, and negative body image, substance abuse, or difficulty trusting others. Severe shyness can lead to isolation, loneliness, and deep sadness. It can prevent a person from living up to her potential, can lead to feelings of helplessness and depression. People who are overweight may be concerned about having their physical appearance judged negatively by others. In fact, dissatisfaction was any aspect of physical appearance. For example, losing your hair, not liking your knowns. And so one can lead some people to experience shyness of consciousness is believing yourself to be the object of others. Attention. You feel as if you are a spectator of your behavior. And it is, makes it very difficult to behave in a natural way. You are preoccupied with how you appear to others. When you are self-conscious, who are not engrossed in what is going on. Our attention is focused on ourselves. We find it hard to fit in with the conversation. Our thoughts are preoccupied with ourselves and not what the topic of conversation will miss. The subtle signals that other people give about taking turns in conversation. It's difficult to decide. Just went to make a contribution and wanted to contribute. When you are not shy, you can become engrossed in the topic of conversation and pay more attention to it. But the sense of being observed from another perspective makes it difficult to act naturally or spontaneously. Many people who started to drink because of feelings of social inadequacy. They say they are afraid of being rejected. They let themselves go. And so they started to drink to loosen up drinking. Terms of the ever-present monitor, over-drinking turns it too far off into social irresponsibility. The fewer that originally motivated to drink. Finally, it becomes a reality as the drunk is cost out of society for being different, inadequate, and inferior. It's not unusual for someone to have a few drinks to become more comfortable at a social event. While alcohols immediate effect is to reduce anxiety later that day or the next, it can produce feelings of increased anxiety, irritability, or depression. This can happen even at moderate levels of social drinking. The person may not consume enough, experience a hangover, but mood and anxiety may still be affected. It is never easy for an adult to meet new friends. For the shy alcoholic, it becomes impossible without a few good belts of booths. The sober alcoholic is the man in the iron mask. What he seeks in alcohol is liberation from himself. What he wants is for the eternal sensor to go to sleep for a few hours. Overtime, he needs increasing amounts of alcohol to produce the desired relaxation effect. China's or feeling inadequate is not a trait that you have to live with. You can change without using a crutch like alcohol. 12. Embarrassment. How to deal with embarrassment?: The fear of doing or seeing something that will draw attention to you is a core feature of shy people. Embarrassment is what you feel when something of an unexpected draws unwanted attention to you. Embarrassment, though intensely unpleasant, is fleeting. People who are shy worry a lot about being embarrassed and they go out of their way to avoid having this happen. Embarrassment seems to be elicited by specific events, whereas shown us seems to be about the anticipation of things going wrong. You can be embarrassed when you forget someone's name. Discover that you had talked the back of your skirt into the top of your tides. When you accidentally enter the wrong restaurant. When you realize that you have been talking loudly, when other conversations have stopped and everyone hears what you are seeing. Embarrassment, threatens also face in front of other people who appear foolish or incompetent. It creates uncertainty about what to do next, how to rescue the situation. And this leads to being flustered and feeling awkward. Your quietness or abrupt answers to questions can lead to an awkward conversation was many silences. And these creates embarrassment for others present. As a shy person, you may be embarrassed by your inability to contribute appropriately it to a conversation. Embarrassment is what you feel when you are a shy person. Imagine going to a posh restaurant or dinner party with people that you do not know where you're well or with your manager is from work. It quickly, it becomes clear that there are rules or conventions about which cutlery to yours, how particular foods are to be eaten, Which glass to use, or which drink, and so on. If this is all new to you, you can become hesitant to others and try to take your cue from what they do. In short, you behave in a shy, inhibited away. Quite unlike the way you behave when eating with friends or in a familiar environment. One approach to coping with embarrassment is to do nothing. To hope that no one has noticed that the embarrassing situation will just go away. Sometimes this works and you might be able to cover up a mistake before anyone does notice. Sometimes it is everyone's best interests that those who have witnessed your mistake, or also of poise pretend that they haven't noticed. This helps you to regain your control and carry on with what you were doing. Why should people help you out in this way? One answer is that your embarrassment creates problems for them too. They want to be able to get things moving. Again. Either the cause of the embarrassment hangs in the air, making it difficult for the conversation or meeting to resume. So the way to meet, pretend not to notice that you have picked up the wrong cutlery. Your guest will not seem to notice that you mispronounced his name. Another form of coping is to make an apology. If you apologize for your behavior, you are showing others that you recognize that the expectations for acceptable behavior have been infringed. You acknowledged that these expectations are important. You also show that you accept responsibility for what you have done wrong. And apology can be very effective if it is sincerely given or if it is convincing. If you feel to apologize, you run the risk of being seen as boorish, unpleasant, or immodest. And apology helps you to be seen as a person who has simply got something wrong. It helps others to, as it shows them, a way to deal with the predicament that you have created. Whether or not this was deliberate, they can accept your apology. They can minimize the significance of your mistake because you have apologized. They can show sympathy to you. You can also prove an effective way of managing an awkward situation. Stories about embarrassing situations often induce a smile. If you are shy or sensitive, you can find it very difficult to join in teasing and joking. Humor also provides a means of recovering from embarrassment. If someone can make a joke about it or laugh it off. This provides everyone with a way to break the deadlock so that they can get the social encounter OK and running again. Despite the pain that embarrassment can cause, it can be very useful. It facilitates the smooth running of everyday life. Displaying embarrassment, does diffuse anger, and shows that the individual is sorry for the awkward situation. And any offense that may have been caused. 13. What is a shy person thinking about?: Many people use the word must, should and ought to arrange themselves on to do better and to improve. But in the end, these words work against you because depression adds to the tension and anxiety. They also suggest that there are definite rules that you must obey. In reality, social encounters are frequently broken in practice. Think of the people you know, who break the conventions, but do not worry about it. Here are some shorts. While being shy person's mind. What do you see? How nervous I am? What will they think of me? What if people think I'm not as competent as everyone else? What if people think I'm stupid when they hear what I say? I'm afraid to ask her out because she will probably say no. I want to ask her out. So I want to get hurt. It would be terrible to be unable to think of things to say during my date. If someone shows signs of not liking me, it feels like the end of the world. If I don't get an a on my exam, my teacher will think, I'm stupid. It is unacceptable if my boss makes any negative comments or suggests an area for improvement during my annual performance review. It would be terrible to lose my train of thought during a presentation. If I lose my train of thought, even once, I will blow the entire presentation, I must socialized more at work. I must think of something interesting to say. I ought to try harder to be amusing and entertaining. I should never show that I am angry. These statements are like rules for leaving. But you are all Epstein's impolite and angry. We often want to do things our own way. What others want. It helps to look for more balanced and moderate ways of seeing things. Some of the options might be, seems often work out better if you can be polite. Everyone gets angry at times, but it does make a difference how you show it. I will take a risk and ask her out. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It's perfectly all right for me to come first. At times. I will try to attach to people from time to time when I feel able and ready. 14. Shy person’s beliefs: Here are common beliefs held by people who are shot. It's essential that everyone likes me. If someone doesn't like me, it means I am unlikeable. If someone rejects me, I deserve it. People should always be interested in what I'm saying. People should never have a disapproving or bored look on their face when I'm talking. People should never talk about me behind my back. If I make a mistake at work, I will get fired. You will find me unattractive. Or in stupid, weird people are untrustworthy, judgmental and nasty. It's awful to blush, shake, or sweat in front of others. If my hands shake at work, it will be a disaster. Anxiety is a sign of weakness. I should not appear anxious in front of others. Sometimes our beliefs are exaggerated or incorrect. For example, you may be quick to assume that another person doesn't work. You just because it seems uninterested during a conversation. In reality, there are many reasons why a person might look uninterested when talking to you. For example, the other person is not interested in the topic of the conversation, but still likes you as an individual. The other person is hungry. She is in a hurry. For example, she's lead for an appointment. The other person is tired, feeling sick, or unwell. She's shy or socially anxious. He's thinking about something stressful that happened earlier in the day. He's worrying about something that is coming up. The other person is someone who generally doesn't enjoy conversations. She is someone who always looks somewhat uninterested. He went when she's having a good time. You are incorrectly assuming that the other person is uninterested. If although he's showing all the usual signs of interest. We'll go over and over a particular past social event with a fine tooth comb, filter through meats and pieces of the event. He can go out the bad parts and obsessing about them sometimes for days and even weeks. The scold ourselves saying things like, Why did I say this? Why didn't I see that? I shouldn't have? I could have. Furthermore, we will often mind read and to catastrophize other people's reactions. They probably think, I'm stupid. They don't like me. They are not going to want to talk to me again. They pity me for acting so pathetically. Entire DES, ruminating about past events. There is nothing wrong with having regrets that motivate you to do better the next time. But if you're post-mortems on We add to your steadily rising mountain of self-criticism, then these sorts of regrets are useless. From time to time. We'll all make mistakes, offend others, or look foolish. Stuttering, stammering, and forgetting your place in a sentence are all common ways in which people off their lines in everyday interaction. One difference between people who are shy and those who are not particularly anxious is how they deal with these unfortunate social events. People who don't suffer from China's are often able to say to themselves, who cares, what this person thinks? I have the right to make a mistake from time to time. I feel sorry that I have said that person, but everyone puts their foot in it. At times. In contrast, people who feel painfully shy around others are more likely to think it would be a disaster to have others think badly of me. Changing your behavior is not about learning how to do things, right, nor is it about learning how to behave. So that, that things do not happen to you. Nothing you can do. We'll guarantee protection from the occasional rejection or moment when you feel embarrassed, painfully self-conscious. Everyone has times when they cannot think of anything of any interest to say to anyone. When they are undeniably boring. Social awkwardness will continue to plague us all. But the meaning of them and change. Social problems can come to feel less dangerous and threatening. They can stop holding you back from being yourself. 15. Shyness and Perfectionism: Perfectionism is the enemy of self-esteem. Many shy people feel they need to be perfect in order to be accepted by others. Perfectionist hold standards that are unrealistically high and overly rigid. They may have exaggerated concerns about making mistakes and often go out of their way to ensure that mistakes are avoided. They tend to please too much importance on making a perfect impression on others. If they are not guaranteed to be approved of by others, they may feel very anxious in social situations or avoid socializing altogether. Perfectionism is different from simply having high standards. High standards can be useful because they motivate us to work hard and to succeed. In the case of perfectionism, however, the standards are so high and so in flexible that they cause a person to over prepare for tasks, procrastinate, or be overly critical of his own performance. For instance, spending hours hosing a presentation or putting off, preparing for a presentation. Here are some perfectionistic beliefs. I should never feel nervous around other people. I must never let my anxiety show. I should never make mistakes. I must never inconvenience other people. Others should never think badly about me. Others must never tease me or laugh at something that I have done. I should always be interesting and entertaining to others. I must do things perfectly. So everything is just right. In short, I'm thinking about how I can tell you what I wanted to tell you in perfect sentences. There is nothing wrong with striving for excellence, but there is something wrong with the perfectionism that enslaved person to ideals and principles that cannot be reached. People postpone or avoid projects and activities to avoid the possibility of doing something that is not good enough. Perfectionism is the SWOT and procrastination is the action. Or more accurately, the lack of action. To some people. Mistakes are enemies, showing the world that they are inadequate. And somehow forward to other people. Mistakes are just mistakes. Mistakes teach them how to do better the next time. The purpose of mistakes is to teach us, not because we are stupid, but because we can't possibly know everything. Perfectionist tend to read themselves based on how well they perform in something. You tie up your self-esteem in how well you do in school, how well you play a certain sport, how popular you are, how many friends you have, how confident you are pure, and so on. As a result, you try to perform perfectly to appeal for us to everyone outside of you. Avoiding failure, dodging criticism, or attempting to have all your humanly characteristics as being better than average. All of these are Band-Aid solutions to the larger problem. None of these solutions is going to work for long. It is often easier to strive to be perfect and to be who you really are. Because to accept who you really are, is to accept that you can not only be loving, but also hateful. Not only generous, but also miserly. Not only kind, but also mean not only mode, but also shy. For this is the human condition. Each of us contains opposing qualities. To some degree. Each of us is human. And that's all there is to it. The sooner political of perfectionism, the more human we will become. When we're accept our humanness. There is no more need for constant worries about every little thing I would say. Do or think. The critic and judge move out of their way to make room for spontaneity, for reality. Besides, it is easier to love a person with vulnerable and imperfect than a person with strong and perfect. 16. Negative consequences of being shy: The shy are often judged by others and are seen as cold, aloof, unfriendly, having no interest in anyone else, considered, and even rude. This is because their behavior is often inappropriate to the setting. And the Greeks unwritten rules about social interactions. If you send the message to others that you are unavailable. For example, very quietly, or letting your voice dropped off at the end of your sentences. Standing far away from other people when you are talking with them. Answering questions was very short responses. And displaying a closed body posture. Eventually, people will be more likely to leave you alone. If someone says hello to you, it is expected that you should respond in similar fashion. If you enter a room that someone is in, you should acknowledge their presence in some way, perhaps migrating them, nodding or smiling at them. If someone does something for you, then thanks are expected. Shy people can feel to make the appropriate responses in these circumstances. And me be seen as rude or unfriendly. They can feel to respond not to because they do not know what they are supposed to do or how to do it. But two, because they are shyness, inhibit them from doing what is needed. And the other person usually does not understand that this lack of response is due to China's. China's can decrease the quality of your life. You feel that you are drifting along in a state of unhappiness with the sense that life is meaningless or deficient. Much of our personal identity comes from our relationships with other people. Having social relationships increases positive emotion. That is our general level of happiness, joy, and curiosity. Indeed, one of the most effective ways of increasing such positive emotions is to interact with other people. Positive emotion in turn, makes us feel more sociable and more positive about people around us. When China's prevents the development of social relationships and participation in meaningful activities, life it becomes Tao and unrewarding. Shyness can result in a chronic lack of life satisfaction and the absence of pleasure and happiness. 17. Shyness over the phone : China's also arises on the telephone. Who might expect the telephone to represent a relatively safe way of communication. The lack of face-to-face contact takes away the reason to worry about how you appear under the spotlight. What the inability to see other people's reactions means. A shy person, uneasy, unexpected phone calls, or anxious. The person becomes increasingly self-conscious about the risk of saying something stupid or sounding nervous, verbally, clumsy, ill informed, or unprepared, not being able to see the person on the other end and to monitor their reactions is also a problem. It is even harder when she can not see herself through their eyes. The shy person is always worried that it might be ringing at an inconvenient time intruding on the privacy of the other person. Though, these may just be an excuse to put the comb. If she's calling a household or office where she knows several people, she worries that she has to exchange small dog was somebody she doesn't really wanted to talk to. Before she's put on to the right person. A phone conversation won't normally allow for long silences. And unexpected questions often have to be answered instantly, sometimes without enough time for thought. Also, there is the fear of a bad line and a prospect of missing what people have said with more potential for confusion and embarrassment. All these factors individually seem quite trivial, but they build together to give it a shot. Real sense of stress, and a real hatred of using default. If you have a difficult call to me, you can plan what do you want to see and even prepare a written script for your site or the call. If you are using a script mesure to allow a lot of pauses, to give the other person time to respond. As you become more comfortable with telephone calls, make sure that you do not restrict yourself to calls requiring a script. If you are making a call, the first thing you do is identify yourself. Don't assume people will recognize your voice. If you are calling someone that you have just made. Me sure to include some information that will remind the person who you are. Next is a good idea to ask. If you have cooled at a convenient time. The person you are calling me be preparing to eat dinner or go out the door. If so, make arrangements to call again or quickly mention why you are calling. Even though the other person can't see you. It doesn't hurt to keep your body moving, to smile, to make gestures, make a point. This keeps your energy for week, which will be reflected in your voice. Remember to focus on the other person. Wrote on how you are coming across. Ending telephone conversations is like ending face-to-face conversations. If it's a business call, you can thank the person or her time. If it's a personal call, you can tell the person you enjoyed talking with him. 18. Shy person’s strategies for coping: Many shy people want to protect themselves from the embarrassments and humiliations that they fear. They attempt to disguise their incompetence by seeking out settings that provide a control and predictability and avoiding those that demand improvisation. Occasionally, they may be able to perform competence so convincingly that beacon pass as non shy. They deflect attention away from themselves. Clean out, eccentric characters, smile and listen attentively. Use material possessions as camouflage. But if you try to keep yourself safe and disaster, and avoid doing things that make you feel at risk. Your life becomes restricted. Safety behaviors and avoidance are understandable reactions to feeling shy. But in the long run, they maintain the difficulty. Have a senate resolve it. Over. Protective behaviors are small things that you may do for fuel safer into situations that you feel like wearing extra makeup or a turtleneck sweater to hide blushing, letting your hair fall in front of your face. Finding out who else will be at your party before deciding whether to attend. Eating in a dimly lit restaurant. So your date won't notice your anxiety. Wearing sunglasses to help avoid making eye contact. Always attending social events, was a friend. So you can avoid talking to people you don't know well, smoking. So as to have something to do with your hands. Some just feed into the background. Do a bit of people watching, eavesdrop on other people's conversations, but do not get sucked into anything themselves. They deliberately arrive late, hang around on the edge of conversation on groups without becoming part of them. Dive through the crowd to the other side of the room just to avoid being in one place to look. Some people act as though they do not care about social skills and come across as self-confident. They may do things like racing eccentrically and inappropriately. For example, wearing open toed sandals in the snow. Or bringing unexpected conversation pieces along to meetings or making of the world remarks that don't feed into the conversation. By conducting regular breaching experiments that disrupt other people's expectations. They tried to regain an element of control over their encounters with others. Their act of eccentricity, him to pass as non shy. These acts are likely to provoke, comment and turn the conversation onto them. But along the lines that they have planned for. If they can direct bits of it through anticipated eccentricities, that gives them back some of the control. Distraction walls, escaping from anxious thoughts and feelings by focusing on thoughts that are more pleasant. For example, while attending a party, you might offer to help serve food or drinks so that you are constantly busy with some activity. And your mind is distracted from the anxious feelings that you might otherwise be experiencing. Or while traveling on a bus or train. You might always be sure to bring a book to distract yourself from feeling anxious about making eye contact with others, or from thinking about what others might be thinking about you. Such distractions helped you to feel comfortable while in social or performance situations. But in the long term, they prevent you from learning that you can manage the situation without having to rely on subtle avoidance. If you are afraid of looking foolish during a presentation, you may spend rehearsing and memorizing what you will say. If you are fearful of making small talk, you may spend hours preparing topics of conversation and rehearsing what you might talk about. If you are afraid of looking unattractive, You may put too much effort into fixing your hair, choosing your cloth, or building your muscles at the gym. In many cases, these situations might be managed was less effort. Leaving time and energy for other things. Safety behaviors increase your confidence because they leave you with the message that you need protection, that you would be unsafe without it. You feel safer. But you also prevent yourself from having any interactions that may help us change and grow. Avoidance prevents you learning that the disasters are more imagined than real. 19. Attitudes toward shy people: Many people mistake shown us for snobbery or arrogance. Shy people seem rude, cranky, or unfriendly. They can give off the impression of disinterest and disengagement, which leads other people to overlook or ignore them. Consequently, the shy person feels that no one is listening. The conversation is flowing without her. And she does not possess enough skills or knowledge and to be able to add a seamless contribution rather than risk an embarrassing mistake, he thinks it's safer to keep quiet and retrieve his shell, which of course can make him appear aloof and disinterested. Some people would appear at the shy person suspiciously before giving him a cautious book to see what would happen. Such reactions need to shy away or, or feeling different and self-consciously inhibited. Another type of social reaction that they receive is that of being a given special consideration. They are viewed as seek week or vulnerable and in need of protection. This reflects an attitude of say, bordering on pity. None shy. Others may meet well-intentioned moves to include a shy without expecting too much of them, which can feel quite patronizing. Being selected for special treatment can be a highly embarrassing and increases the self-consciousness that the shy person feels. Because shyness is associated with fear of being disliked or negatively charged. Shy people often go out of their way to agree with others. But most people don't expect to have others agree with them all the time. If you always agree with whatever is said, it may raise the other person's suspicion about whether you are really listening to you when, when you completely stay away from a feared social situation, you communicate a message to others. For example, by repeatedly avoiding colleagues at work. Others may assume that you are uninterested or even unfriendly, despite wanting others to respond positively. People who are shy often exhibit nonverbal behaviors that communicate to others. Stay away from me. For example, winning the back or standing far away from other people. Avoiding eye contact, crossing your arms over your chest, clenching your fist, and maintaining a serious facial expression. Although you may believe that these behaviors serve as a form of protection in anxiety provoking situations. They tend to have the opposite effect. Instead of protecting you from being judged by others. These behaviors probably increase the likelihood that others will react negatively. For example, at a party, people are most likely to approach someone with smiling, making eye contact, and talking at a reasonable volume. When someone stands far away, speaks quietly and avoids eye contact, it is natural to assume that the individual is either uninterested in speaking or difficult to get to know. 20. Shyness in western culture: Western societies consider shyness to be a sign of immaturity, weakness, or lack of confidence. Shyness is seen as a problem in the RIA to success and the relationships or career. And people have a moral responsibility to overcome it. Our society values extroversion more than introversion. Television shows, movies, and advertising reinforces the notion that the ideal way of being is to go out there, be a celebrity and in your face kind of personality. None shyness is normal and acceptable. While China's is undesirable and deviant form of behavior, there is a message out there in society that says, it is not okay to be shy. That everyone should be aggressive, be assertive, and strive for the limelight. This propaganda pressures us to feel that we too, should be so bold. It matters little whether this reflects our true nature or not. Many people today are superficially friendly and outgoing, but today have problems with intimate relationships. Some people who like relating one-to-one on not appreciated into public road and are often perceived as outsiders. Shy characters in television programs, fumes and fiction are portrayed as sad. Lonely types will never quite managed to achieve what they are bold counterparts do. Journalistic accounts of shy celebrities follow a story of triumph over shyness? Reinforcing the idea that it is incompatible with success. The shy person represents the anathema or Western cultures ideal worker. By appearing to reject the goal, getting teambuilding, you can do it spirit of the modern office. The shy person poses a silent threat to the goals of an efficient service economy and the social benefits of exploiting human resources. So shyness is seen as a problem about which something must be done. It is associated with incompetence. Antisocial behavior, lack over the social skills. It results in emotionally impoverished relationships and less than perfect carrier and a sense of unrealized potential. But why is it seen as wrong or irrational to feel apprehensive about talking to people who do not know or about opening ourselves up to scrutiny. What is it about our culture that demands that we pretend to be poised, skilled, and assertive in our dealings with others. When a person appears unwilling to uphold the negotiated order of a situation by smiling, talking, and so on. They are breaking some of the basic unspoken rules that govern social interaction. They are seen to be committing moral offense of not showing sufficient involvement in a social situation. They breached the taken for granted assumptions about how the interaction ought to unfold. Therefore, a shy person is seen as different and outsider to mainstream social life. Domestic media perpetuated the notion that it is natural to have an active social life. There is a pressure to be gregarious and to enjoy being center stage. But it is not something that comes naturally to some introverted people. Communication may be a universal human drive, but we vary in the extent to which like to spend time with other people and in intensity of interaction with which we feel comfortable. Culturally who have come to please high-value on extroverted traits, such as ambitious, assertiveness. The shy tends to be passed over for promotions in the workplace. A person with an overbearing, aggressively self promoting attitude not only maintains her position, but it's frequently rewarded with advancement. What is a shy person to do? You can't change yourself into an ambition, obsessed, aggressively, self-assured, extrovert. And why would you even want to? Shy people have to find a way to navigate social situations, including their career, without succumbing to external pressure to be someone they are not. 21. Is being shy a bad thing?: Just because you think of yourself as shy, does not mean that you are in need of help because of that, almost everyone experiences shyness or anxiety from time to time. There is nothing wrong with being shy. But if it keeps you from forming relationships with others, advancing in your education or career, or carrying on with everyday activities. You may need to conform to your fears to leave an enjoyable, satisfying life. Normal shyness is not a problem, but when it is too intense, it can make life more difficult. Extreme shyness can interfere with your functioning. You avoided taking social risks. Find it difficult to make friend or to progress in your career. You may be overly concerned with the opinions of others. If the belief I should make a good impression on others, motivates you to do a good job at work. That's great. If, on the other hand, the same belief makes you feel paralyzed and unable to get any work done. That's a problem. This China's cause you significant life impairment. Produce severe distress or low your sense of satisfaction with life. Does it prevent you from having the social relationships that you long for? Even if China's does not impair your performance or your ability to function effectively. Experiencing extreme discomfort during social events can indicate that China's is a problem. You need to deal with. A general lack of life satisfaction and the reduction in pleasure and happiness, and also suggests that you would benefit from chains. Shyness is not fixed, state. It is fluid. You can change its shape and its quantity. You can definitely reduce it. Once you accept shyness as a part of you, you can choose which aspects you would like to keep and discard those that are no longer promoting growth and optimism. 22. Conditional and Unconditional self acceptance: The Confident people accept themselves and think highly enough over themselves to talk freely and say what they wanted to say. The people who are not confident are on edge because at any second their acceptance of themselves can drop. These don't, if other people's acceptance of them drops. If you are concerned about any defects you have and constantly check how it looks in mirrors, then you are worrying that defect makes you unworthy of approval. If you can walk and move normally when alone in your house. But don't feel tense and self-conscious in social situations. It's because you are aware of how other people are seeing you. Instead of letting your legs and body move themselves like you usually do, you are trying to monitor what other people will think of your actions and you try to adjust them manually. You are being overly conscious about how your book from other people's perspectives. If you can't think of what to say when around popular, Who, important or confident people. But you can speak perfectly fine. Too close family members is because you are trying to get them to accept you. You are worried that if you say the wrong thing, they will reject you. So you weigh every word carefully for its effect to try to control how people will respond to you. You do this because your own acceptance of yourself, on other people's acceptance of you. So you are trying to get other people to love and approve of you by trying to live up to their standards. Whenever you feel shy, try to trace to the root of it and find out how it relates to fear of disapproval. Anxiety and shyness are usually caused by your commanding yourself that you must do well. Look for the shoot must thinking, are your actions result of thinking that you must be loved, accepted, approved of? Is your behavior driven by approval seeking? Do not repeat yourself in any way, shape, or form. If you do badly on a test or lose your job, it does not mean you are an inferior person. Your hers as a person does not change depending on how well you do and what other people think of you. You are not relatable. Your actions can be good or bad, but not you. You're just exist. So if you get a bad mark on a test or lose your job, it may mean your actions weren't the right ones, but it says nothing about you. It is essential to rate your performance in order to correct it. But don't read yourself based on your performance. This is true for other people too. Do not read them. You can condemn acts, but not any human beings for any reason whatsoever. If somebody steals money from you, then they are actions were bad. But it does not mean they are an inherently bad or inferior person. In order to stop condemning yourself for doing poorly, you need to stop healing somehow superior to others when you do Well. Whenever you are thinking of some logical reason why you should feel superior, ready to go. The fact that you are more educated, smarter, or more mature than someone does not make you superior to them. The fact that you may have more money or possessions or more going for you does not make you superior to anyone. You need to quit the habit of trying to logically convince yourself why you should feel confident. There are no reasons to feel confident, because your acceptance of yourself should be unconditional. People who build self-esteem based on an accomplishment, ability, physical appearance, and so on. I feel good about themselves for as long as their skills, abilities, and accomplishments remain intact. Yet, when they skills, relationships or accomplishments change, they lose themselves into process. The fact that sometimes you get approval and sometimes a disapproval from other people says nothing about you. It's just a useful feedback. Your feelings or birth or inadequate nurse should not be attached to other people's positive reactions. Desire or a preference for approval is mood. Even human? As long as you don't feel you must have it. Lot of the time, you will not get what you want. It's okay to feel appropriately sorry, and sad if some of your basic human needs aren't being met. If you mess up on a public speech, It's normal to feel sad that your performance is bad. The issue is when you feel inappropriately, horrified and ashamed of yourself for it. So instead of feeling ashamed of yourself, if you aren't doing well in some area, say to yourself, I wish it weren't. So what do I do to either change it or live with it? This applies to lego Friends, lack of social life, lack of romantic relationships, lack of success, any insecurities about your physical appearance and your current level of social skills. You no longer need them to be different in order to accept yourself. But you may wish to improve them. You may wish to improve them in order to increase your own quality of life. Not because improving them may make you more worthy of other people's approval. Instead of meeting other people to love and accept you, you can feel good about yourself for no logical reason whatsoever. 23. Fear of being disliked: At the core of shyness is an excessive concern with being negatively evaluated. Shy people appear to be particularly motivated to be liked and accepted and highly concerned about the possibility of rejection. By showing it themselves to be a certain kind of person, this particular attributes. They hope to increase the degree to which other people will value having relationships with them. For many people, China's takes the form of silence. You may not and smile a lot to show that you are following the conversation, even though you are not contributing yourself. Many shy people have this core belief that says, I must be loved. I must be approved off. When they are in social situations, they are constantly trying to make sure people do not disapprove of them. If you stay quiet, then there is very little risk that you are going to offend anyone. You only feel free to express yourself or open up when there is no chance that the other person will reject you. Minimizing your involvement in a social encounter, meaning reduce the chances of doing or saying the wrong thing. If you are quiet, unassuming, and undisclosed, other people want to disapprove of you, but they also want to notice your. Shyness is often based on the assumption that you are, in some way weak, inferior, inadequate, or less good than others, you feel that people will notice this defect and disapprove of you. So you remain quiet and keep in the background as you are less likely to demonstrate your lack of social skills. Shy people also often adopt nice persona. They tend to be ingratiating, tend to agree with others, and to keep their own opinions for themselves if these are different from those of other people. So they don't have to face the challenge of sustaining arguments or standing up for themselves. Most people who suffer from China's are trying to live up to other people's standards. They are constantly worried about if their appearance will appeal to others. And whenever they see anything, they look to see how other people reacted, to decide if it was good or not. If people react well, they feel pride. If other people appear to disapprove, they feel shame. Next time you see someone shy in a group conversation. Look carefully at what they do after they see something. Most of the times they arise all data quickly to the person who is the highest social value. It's because they are looking for his approval. People who are self-confident do not look for reactions after they talk. If you have this habit of looking for a reaction, make yourself keep eye contact with whoever you are talking to or look away. Instead of looking at the person you feel the urge to look at. 24. Self monitoring your behavior: Many people will shine us are constantly stuck inside their heads, whole top in their salts. They don't want other people to get the wrong impression of them. So they have to think carefully about what they are going to say or do next. Shy people try to micro manage and control what other people think of them. They constantly think about little things that are unimportant. For example, is what you say next, going to be liked. Are your clothes representative of your personality? The way you walk? You will derive, why do people secret, respect the way you are? What should you say next? Well, it sound good. What's the best way to say it? At the same time, you are thinking about your inadequacy, feelings, stupid or not to belonging. It's exhausting just to think of the things that go through the shy person's mind. This type of thinking is called self-monitoring. And it's bad for several reasons. Instead of just letting go and expressing yourself. You think and think, and think and do when you finally do something, it feels unnatural. It's not fun for you, and it's not fun for other people. The more you hesitate before doing something, do more contrived and fullname, it will seem when you finally do. If you think of something to say and then wonder if you should say it, you get nervous. It stops becoming something that just popped into your head. And it becomes your own idea. You put more and more importance on how people will react to it. The longer you wait. When you finally get to say it, it comes out unnatural. When you self-monitor, you seem out of focus. Like you are actually 10 seconds or 10 seconds into future. Instead of being now and enjoying it. Confident people do not think about what they are going to say next. They get a general feeling of what they wanted to communicate. And they say it. When you think about everything you say and do, it doesn't come from you directly. It's been filtered your brain and people can feel it. They can sense the slide or fitness. When you have been thinking of a remark for a minute, they don't feel the same energy coming from you as from a person who comes up with something to say on the spot. And that lack of energy turns them off. Anytime you are trying to create some sort of impression on people, you are sabotaging yourself. Only someone needy and a desperate for approval would be trying so hard to make others perceive him well. On the other hand, if you don't really care about the particular impression you make on someone, it shows that you are secure in yourself because you don't require other people to approve of you. Most of the time, your breathing is an unconscious behavior. You are not conscious of it because your body, it takes care of it without you having to do anything about it. If you start to meet yourself differently, you have no meat breathing into a conscious behavior, most actions that will lead to socializing should come naturally. Motorbike conscious effort. Don't try to control how you move your mouth when you're talk. Don't think about how your arms and legs move as you walk or sit down. Don't worry about what position your arms are in. You can't force your walk or speech to be more natural. Giving up the needs to control everything will meet your communicate better. It's like you've been driving your whole life, was a brakes or socially. And now you discovered how to release your breaks. It feels like the right words are somehow coming out of your mouth automatically. You aren't stuck in your head trying to come up with something to say. It's all flowing. And you feel in the moment and connected to the other person. And you are having fun. 25. How to socialize naturally: Your eventual goal should be to socialize naturally. That means without thinking, just like you can ride a bike without thinking. What gets in your way is self-monitoring and overly controlling your actions. This is what causes you to act of conscious and inhibited. So don't consciously enforce your mouse to move when you are talking. Don't try to make your arms to move a certain way when you are walking. Let go of control and allow them to do what they may. First, you have to realize when you are self-monitoring, you have to catch yourself in the act. When you realize you are doing this, you need to switch your focus. Your attention needs to be directed. If you think about all the things you are doing wrong and aren't focused on not embarrassing yourself, you will end up playing it safe. You might say as little as possible. And when you do speak, you will be self-conscious and it will come across weird. But if your focus is on getting to know others and sharing laughs with them, you will fit right in. And people will accept you into the group. If you are totally immersed in a conversation so that all you're thinking about is what is being discussed. Then diverts will come automatically and spontaneously. Don't think before you act. Don't wander in advance of what you are going to say. Diverse thing is when you're in hers, what you are going to say in your head before you say it. Very social people just get a general gut feeling of wanting to say something and they open their mouth and see it. Don't plan. Act first. Then correct your actions as you go along. When a thought pops into your head, express it was in two seconds. The longer you wait, the worse your fear of expressing it badly becomes, you build it up too much in your head. The solution is to downplay. You are just talking to someone. Being spontaneous is a muscle. The more you use it, the easier it becomes to rely on it. Don't criticize your actors. After you do something. Do not analyze how well it went. Don't say to yourself, maybe I shouldn't have said that. Maybe the other person will take it the wrong way. You'll criticism is unnecessary because when you make a mistake in a social situation, your mind learns the lesson and automatically adjusts your future behavior. It's the same as learning to ride a bicycle. If you fall, you'll bring gets heated back from an experience. Over time, you'll learn how to keep your balance and not make the same mistakes. Again. Learning social skills works the same way. You may start out awkward and weird, but your brain continually learns from your experiences and improves your behavior based on the feedback you get from interacting with other people. So stopped hearing yourself apart, constantly second-guessing yourself on a daily basis is defeating. If you don't run through whatever you are going to say in your head, how do you know what you are actually going to see? The answer is, you don't. You just have to trust that over many years of conversation and hearing other people talk, you have enough knowledge to be able to come up with what to say. Intuitively, this takes a leap of faith at the beginning. You've been thinking about what to say for so long that just talking without a filter will seem unnatural at first. But it's how most people actually talk. It's impossible to totally motor care. What other people think of you will always care no matter what. It's built into our psychology. So do not worry at all about being too uninhibited and seeing embarrassing things. Only focus on practicing, being less careful, less concerned, and less conscientious of your actions. 26. Shyness and Body image: Hi everyone. As a self-image, it's a picture in your mind of how you think you are. It's a picture in your mind of who you think you are. Many shy people have some serious body image problems. You may feel other people can't or won't accept you for how you look. Short, tall, bald, skinny, fat. That teach large nose for an accent. Ugly if physical defect, et cetera. Why is it that when you try to be more confident and social, which always feels like you have to force it. Like you are putting on an act. It's because you are trying to change your outer behavior without changing your self-image. That's why you can feel confidence for maybe a couple of minutes. But then you go back to being shy. When you try to act confidence. It's like a fish that's trying to swim upstream. It can do it for a bit, but eventually the stream overpowers it. And it is swimming in the direction it always has. The stream is like your self-image. And it is always bringing you back to acting in ways that fit your self-image. If your self image says you are inferior to other people, then you will find it difficult to act in ways that contradict your inferiority. For example, an overweight person can lose weight through sheer willpower. But if they see themselves as a fat person, then they will feel a gravitational pool to become the person they can perceive themselves to be. If you believe deep down that you are inferior, then you will behave in ways that communicate to people that you are inferior. You will be much less confident around them, unable to hold eye contact, or your voice will become quieter. Or you may just try too hard to seek their approval. When you act as though you are inferior, the other person sees this and has no chance much to believe you. If you think you are inferior, then you must be. After all, who knows you better than, you know yourself. People will then treat you as if you are inferior to them. When you see this, you will gain for the evidence of your inferiority, your background, you'll lose any physical defects. You'll live situation, your upbringing. All of these do not matter when it comes to achieving social success. They may have contributed to making you feel inferior or inadequate in the past, but they do not have to control your future. It's not your books themselves, but your thoughts about them that hold you back. Maybe you feel insecure because you are always or unattractive. But there are plenty of people out there who are overweight, not woodworking. Yet. They are still able to have self-esteem that allows them to be confident and express themselves. They may be overweight, but they don't see themselves as inferior or a failure because of it. 27. Shyness, Beauty and Self Esteem: In Western cultures, beauty is considered the prime measurement of human worth. People are being conditioned and brainwashed into believing that the more good-looking someone is, the more valuable they are. The philosophy is, look like this, or you are ugly. Purchase our product to make yourself more valuable. If you buy into the superficial values of the media, then you will never measure up. You couldn't be a doctor who has saved thousands of lives. But you will still feel inferior to someone who happened to be born good-looking. Whether you feel inferior, based on your books, are bringing race, social success, financially, or relationship wise. All feelings of inferiority come down to the same thing. You judge. And initial yourself, not by your own standard, but against someone else's. When you do this, you always come out inadequate. You feel inferior because you are constantly trying to live up to other people's standards. So they accept you. You try to fix yourself to make yourself more acceptable to people. If you are overweight, you go on a diet. If you are ugly, you get plastic surgery. Whatever you think is a very, uh, to other people's approval, you try to get rid of. The problem with getting rid of and perceived inadequacy is that you are not fixing the real flaw. Which is in the way you think. If you feel like a loser because you are overweight and you become skinny, then there is always the threat of you sinking back down to being a voiceless loser. As soon as you gain a few poems, as soon as you stop meeting the standards, you immediately turn into reverse this loser. In your own mind. Many shy people make the mistake of thinking that if they had just been born looking like a model, then they wouldn't be shy and insecure. This is a huge misconception. People who are confident are not confident because they have no floors. They are confident in spite of their flaws. In fact, they are defects. Just make them more unique and interesting. Think about the most confident people who have witnessed in real life. And think about the major imperfections menu of them have, they may have flows that you yourself would be ashamed of. But they don't see them as an issue. They don't feel they need to be perfectly acceptable to people to feel okay. They don't need to leave up to other people's standards in order to be able to accept themselves. 28. “Superiority” and “Inferiority” : When you see someone who is better than your exam, do you feel the need to pull them down from there? Podium by criticizing? Are you uncomfortable? If someone younger is more successful than you? Do you feel the need to put down people who you think are more attractive than you. For example, you think she's got nothing going for her? She works as a waitress and has probably never even finished high school. I on the other hand, a more intelligent have a good a job, et cetera. When someone thinks is inherently inferior in some way, you will overcompensate, belittle, put down, criticize. It's a way of reducing the uncomfortable feelings caused by sorts of inferiority. It reveals your own insecurities. People have been conditioned since childhood to achieve. Society puts an over-emphasis on competition and individual achievement, or improving one's worth. Material success, status on measurable achievement. To be loved, accepted, and valued, people must produce the desirable responses are recognized on the basis of what we have produced, not on who we are. You may have deep-seated beliefs that you are not a worthwhile person unless you achieve, unless you are the best. Unless you leave up to society's expectations about social life, relationships and financial situation. When you equate what you do with who you are, you feel inferior or superior to others. Inferiority and superiority are two sides of the same coin. The solution is to realize that the coin itself is false. You are not inferior, you are not superior. You are simply, you, you as a person, are not in a competition against anyone else. Simply because there isn't a single other person in the universe. The same as your value comes from your uniqueness as an individual stock measuring yourself against their standards. You are not them and can never measure up. Neither can they measure up to your standards, nor should they. You can be inferior to other people in some way or another. But if you compare yourself unfavorably with them, you will feel inferior and depressed. Just because you can't do certain things as carefully as others, does not mean you are no good. Just because you are inferior in doing something does not make you an inferior person. You are not readable. Your actions can be good or bad, but not you. You can condemn and think Book of Acts, but not any human beings for any reason whatsoever. For example, say you make a presentation in front of a group and do poorly. In this case, your performance was bad. But it doesn't mean that you are a bad or inferior person. It is essential to reach your performance in order to correct it. But do not repeat yourself based on your performance. 29. Feelings of inferiority: We interact with people differently based on how valuable the see them. If you please, a little value or importance on someone, then you are going to act a lot more inhibited and anxious around them. And someone you don't care much about. For example, at work may treat our boss differently than our coworkers. We feel the disapproval of those who we think have a higher value or our superior than us. Do you ever feel like some people try to talk to automatically brush you off? They don't let you talk. Don't really listen to what you have to say. And then you see these same people giving their full attention to other people who are seen as being popular. Imagine you were walking down the street. If the 10 year old child ran off to you and said, You suck, how much would that affect you emotionally? Maybe you would care a little, but not that much. What about if an attractive person of your age came up to you and said the exact same words. Now, how much would you be affected? At the core of our shyness is a feeling of inferiority or inadequacy. Notice how your anxiety levels differ based on which person you interact with. Chances are the most superior you believe the other person is to you. The list confidently, you will be able to behave. For example, you can easily talk to people who are seen as being uncool, but struggled to say the right thing when talking to someone, aggressive, assertive, intelligent, or in authority. Have you ever wanted to be seen with someone because you thought other people would think you were equally person because of it. When you walk past people on the street, are you more anxious when you are walking past an elderly couple or someone attractive around your own age, do you try harder than usual to come up with something interesting to say when you are talking to someone popular and much more laid-back and natural when you are talking to someone most people think is a loser. Do you ever wanted to show someone popular? You're better qualities mean dropping or mentioning material possessions, which you hope will impress them. Were never actually trying to treat everyone differently. It just happens. Everyone has this type of automatic system of valuing people. It controls how they act around who in every interaction between two people, one person is higher status. He or she may be better connected, socially, prettier, more dominant. A better leader, or just more popular was everyone. So one person is always cooler. The person who is always status usually ends up trying harder to get a high-status person's approval. It's not pleasant to be on the lower end of this social value scale. But it's very important to see how this works and to understand that everybody does this unconsciously. Who don't know, we're doing it. People pay more attention to people who have high value. These are the people who are considered superior to us. We perceive their worth to be greater than ours. So we don't feel entitled to express ourselves confidently around them. In a way we feel intimidated. When the person you are talking to someone on your level, then you are naturally going to be much more confident and free to express your personality. When you don't feel inadequate compared to the person you are talking to, your confidence and social skills come easily and naturally. It's only when you are intimidated by someone else or feel inferior to a group of people, that your mind goes blank and you start acting shy. In reality, Duran, no superior or high-value people. The only reason why you see some people as more valuable than you is because you have some rules in your mind that determine whether someone is valuable to you or not. If someone passes all these rules and criteria you have, then you see them as valuable. Ask yourself, does someone's confidence, decisiveness, assertiveness, aggressiveness often intimidate me. If I see someone as having a lot more friends and social connections than me, do I feel inferior to them? If someone is very physically attractive or where's the most stylish clothes? Do I act differently around them? How differently do I treat people who are below average working and people who aren't dropped it. Gorgeous. And my more anxious around people my own age, the very old or very young. It's usually people our own age, or older people in positions of authority that are most intimidating. 30. People who are not shy. What is so special about them?: We are all constrained whenever we are unsure how to behave in particular circumstances. For example, when we attend a formal social gathering for the first time, there is nothing wrong with being quiet. But if you ask people about their quietness, you learned that they are dissatisfied with it. Unfortunately, this is because they want to talk more. They enjoy the company of others, and they wished that they could contribute more to a conversation. Other people seem able to know what to say and when and how to say it. For the shy, it seems as if other people belong to a secret society. Somehow everybody else seems to have built up a shared stock of knowledge which helps them to perform well in social encounters. Many shy people see themselves as outsiders in the social world in it, but not truly a part of it. They don't know how to circulate at parties. They don't know how much you re-establish contact with people they know legally. They don't know how to speak to a stranger in a pub. Shy person thinks that social situations ought to be straightforward. They seem to be easy for everyone else, but her other people look more competent at conversation than She's. They all seem to know what they are doing and appear to be following a script. She feels that her problems are somehow to do with the kind of person she is. The person who sets the standards for everyone, is an image of the relaxed, confident social success. But there is no such person. People who at first seem to be models or social deafness from other angles are no such thing. The most confident people also confess that they are shy. Luthien who are surrounded by virtuosos of social rules, delivering vert perfect performances. While we alone are fluffing our lines. But everyone is struggling to learn these rules that were never written down. Although some of us learn them maslow repeatedly and unwillingly than most. Social competence is like riding a bicycle, a skill that anyone can learn and improve upon if they practice enough. People who have developed good social skills might seem to be naturally adapt in interaction. But did performances have been practiced and rehearsed? Like anybody else's? The imposter phenomenon is a theory that despite being highly successful in their career or other social areas, people may remain convinced that they are not really as capable as they appeal. Central to the imposter phenomenon is a feeling of being a fraud, of having food, other people into believing in your ability. And a great fear of one day being found out and sent away in disgrace. This is similar to shape people's perception of their own in competence. And the funeral for discrediting themselves by doing the wrong thing. Many people feel fraudulent inside, but still dare to risk giving good performance. Even the most, apparently it sociable, talkative and self-confident person might be giving a carefully studied performance that serves to disguise his underlying shyness. Was shy and non shy. Me feel as if they are imposters. It might appear that everybody else moves and what they are doing. But many people probably are aching. It were all to some extent, imposters. Perhaps it is quite normal to feel out of your death in social situations. Although to explicitly acknowledge that this would pose a serious threat because they interaction order. Shy people perceive themselves as outsiders to the secret society of competent others. They believe that it is their individual responsibility to avoid any embarrassment, awkwardness, or strained interaction? None shy me perceive the standards of social behavior that are expected of them to be lower. They realized that they only have to give a minimally acceptable activity in order to keep the situation going. The non shy person may feel more confident in her ability to pass. Because the standard she has said is so much lower. She has more trust in other people to provide protective piecework should anything go wrong. The shy person does not anticipate such loyalty. And so experiences every social encounter as a risky solo performance. 31. Changing how you think : Imagine that someone yawns or appears distracted while you are talking and you automatically think. And so boring. Or he knows that I'm shy and have a hard time talking. You believe, you know what others are thinking. This is mind-reading. But we can never be certain unless we'll ask the person outright what she's thinking. Next time you catch yourself mind-reading. Just stop. Realized that if you are in normal human being, you simply cannot know what others are thinking. If a person yawns while you talk, there are so many other possible explanations. Perhaps she didn't sleep last night. Perhaps she breathe shallowly. And from time to time as to yawn to get an adequate amount of oxygen. If the person is distracted, maybe he has something to be distracted about. Perhaps is still thinking about defied. He just had his spouse or he's trying to remember with a heel lift something on the stove, or from other people, do not respond in the ways that you hope they will. But there are many reasons for this. Shy people tend to take negative things personally and to minder it. Keep in mind that other people's unhelpful or insensitive reactions do not make you less acceptable as a person, or make your feelings less important and meaningful. What would you think if your voice trembled while talking to a group of people? Oh my God, my voice is trembling. Now they know I'm anxious. They will think, I'm weird. This is where people usually stop thinking any further. The idea of being thought of as weird and be so horrible that it is enough to stop a person called. But the trick is to go on and flesh out your thinking. Ask yourself what would happen next. If they thought I was weird, then they would stop talking to me. Then what? Then I want to be all alone. And then I would cry. I would really make a fool of myself. Then what? Then nobody would ever want to talk to me again. I would have to leave town, then bought, then I would have to start a new life. Now, it's time to ask yourself, would I really move from Tom, leave my family, and start a new life? Just because my voice trembled. Lookout for such words as always, never. And everyone. As soon as you hear these words, you know, there is a huge flaw in your thinking. This is sometimes called black and white thinking. You think that because your crush rejected you ones, that you will always be rejected. You think that because when you try to assert yourself, your parents yelled at you, you can never assert yourself without these backlash. If you were laughed at once for an embarrassing moment, you don't see it as an embarrassing moment. You see it as a proof that you are an awkward person in general. If you gave a bad presentation in school, you don't see it as a bad presentation. You see yourself as a bad presenter. The revolt simply does not work this way. You don't take into account that each situation is different, each person is different, and that you will act differently at different times. Realistically, some people at the social gathering will be confident. Others may look confident on the outside, but be shaking on the inside. Still, others will experience various degrees of uncertainty. There aren't many shades of gray between the extremes of black and white. Bear in mind that there is no such thing as perfect social skills. What works best in one situation or with one group of people may not work well in another situation or with another group. For example, the best way to ask one person out on a date, me cuz rejection from someone else. Although a particular style may help you get one job, it may work against your another job or with another interviewer. In other words, no matter how well-developed your social skills are, they can never be perfect. Like everyone. You will continue to stumble from time to time. And occasionally you will make a bad impression. Other people. If the thing that you feel happens, it may not actually be a disaster. Everyone makes mistakes, most of which are invisible to anyone but themselves. And most mistakes have no more significance than tripping over a capstone. Most of them turn out to be useful tool as you can learn something from them. Like to look where you are going more carefully. So if you think I should have done it better, change it to, I will do it better in time. Now, I will do what I can. No one could do more than that. There is no fixed, rigid, and right way of doing things socially. There are many ways. Your way, once you have learned to relax and be yourself, will be just as good as the next person. Have you ever been with a person looked grumpy and you assumed that you must have done something wrong. Somehow. You feel responsible for having caused a person to feel badly. That's taking things personally. Perhaps the person is grumpy because she just missed winning the lotto by one number. Maybe she has a mood disorder. Maybe she just stabbed her toe. You can always ask and check things out. Don't assume that everything is your fault. As tiny children will often assumed that the world revolved around us. And that if something bad happened, it had something to do with us. As adults with sometimes get trapped into feeling the same thing. But we need to realize that simply don't have that much power. The truth is, while not at the center of other people's moods. 32. Challenging your negative thoughts: Challenging catastrophic thinking requires shifting the focus from how terrible the outcome would be to how you might cope with the situation if it were to occur. Ask yourself these questions. What if my fears actually come true? So what how can I cope with if it were to occur? Would it really be as terrible as I think? Does this really matter in the big scheme of things? Well, I care about these amounts from now, a year from now. In many cases, you will realize that even if your fear does come true, It won't be the end of the world. You will cope with the situation and your discomfort will pass. For example, what if someone thinks you are a pathetic? And that's why he isn't interested in spending time with you. What if someone declines your offer for lunch? Do you think you will be able to cope with the feelings of rejection? Maybe you will feel bad at first, but in the end, it probably wouldn't matter. You need to recognize that not everyone has to like you. Perhaps it would mean that you are just not woody match. Even if someone thinks you are an idiot. It doesn't mean it. Urea R1, that person's opinion doesn't reflect that of everyone else. It wouldn't be into end over the world. Each tuple noticed your shyness. Everyone feels anxious from time to time. Who cares? If your hands shake, you have the right to have shaky hands. Probably no one will even notice. Even if they noticed, they probably won't care. If you are ridiculed or laughed at. It would be manageable. Most people get teased or ridiculed from time to time. You certainly left at other people sometimes. Other than the temporary discomfort or embarrassment, it wouldn't really matter in the big scheme of things. Although some people may criticize you for appearing nervous, it's likely that most people couldn't care less. If you are worried that others might criticize you. If your voice becomes shaky, you might ask yourself, am I critical of other people? When I noticed there was shaking, most likely you would not assume someone else to be incompetent, stupid, or weak just because he or she seems a bit shy in a particular situation. The same is true of other people. Everyone is doing some things right and some things wrong. Most people are not thinking in terms of right and wrong. There are so many different ways of doing things that it matters little which you choose. People are more interested in what you think than in whether you do things the right way. Doing things differently from others needs people curious about you. But nothing more than that. The point is that there is a wide choice or ways of thinking. The way you think and what you choose to think about will affect the way you feel. In reality. The consequences of making a mistake or embarrassing yourself are usually minimal and almost never last very long. Even if people noticed that you have made a mistake or that you appear to be anxious, they are likely to forget about it after a few minutes. 33. Assertiveness. Dealing with criticism: To be an assertive person is not to be selfish, pushy, bullying, and insensitive court who insists on getting her way. Assertive people get a fair share of what life has to offer by communicating their needs, relating to the needs of others, and having the courage to choose a lifestyle that is in harmony with their values. China's is associated with a tendency to communicate, passively. Aggressive communication involves expressing your needs indirectly, often in a quiet voice, and perhaps was frequent pauses and hesitations. Passive communication places the other person's wants, needs, and desires ahead of your own. You want to avoid any possibility of offending or inconveniencing the other individual. However, because your message is not expressed, actually, the other person may never received the message that you intended to communicate. Therefore, passive behavior closes the channels of communication and may cause you to feel hurt and resentful. Let's say you expected a promise trace at your workplace and never received it. Also, co-workers received, there's the obvious aggressive response would be to storm into your boss's office, spewing profanities and demanding your ease while threatening to quit. If it is not forthcoming. The assertive response would be to sit down with your boss and ask why you did not receive your A's. If the answer seems unfair to you, you would know, state your feelings on these inequality clearly and in a calm manner. You might also want to point out that others did receive their salary increase. And you expect to be treated with the same respect as your co-workers. Some of us learned that it is not okay to impose on others. We don't feel entitled to ask for what we want. We may not always get what we need, but it is still important to ask, ask for help with a project, ask for a date, ask for a refund, ask for an earlier or later appointment, ask for a favor, ask for quiet, ask for a hug. Ask to be treated with respect. Ask What? Do not expect others to necessarily deliver? Not expecting anything in return is free. As we reach out and connect with people, the inevitable will happen once in a while. We will feel hurt by others and others will feel hurt by us. If you are being criticized, don't get defensive. Arguing or trying to prove the other person wrong tends to increase criticisms. When you have little or no emotional investment into person who is criticizing or teasing, going along with the criticism is an effective strategy. General agreement might sound like you couldn't be right. A specific agreement would be. You are right. I can be so clumsy. You should see me at home. I am forever bumping into things. Either way, the wind is usually taken out of the critics sails and a criticisms come to a whole. You can also ask the person questions that invite further details about the criticism. For example, you might say, we specifically exactly, Have I Been inconsiderate? Can you give me an example? The confident person will even ask for further criticisms. For example, is there something goes you didn't like about my presentation? I would appreciate your feedback. Into process of inviting details and further criticisms. You accomplish one of two things. If the criticism is constructive, you will get useful information that will help you decide whether and how to improve something. If the criticism is meant to manipulate or hurt you, it will help the critic take responsibility for her criticisms. That she will retreat on her critical stance. Or she will be more honest about what is underlying need to criticize. 34. Understanding social rules and conventions: People who experienced shown us often believe they will feel at ease in the world. Once they have all the rules down pat. They often wonder about whether they are doing things the right way or not. They believe that there is a right way to do everything, but they are not always sure what the right way is. Often scripted. Social situations provide an outward for shy people to overcome their inhibition. Conventions are recognized ways of doing things. Patterns of behavior. Many people feel uncomfortable if they do not know the conventions. For instance, if they do not know which fork to use or what clothes to wear, tuning up in jeans when everyone else is dressed in their best, or vice versa, can be embarrassing. Some people think that in order to get better at socializing, they should learn how to behave correctly as if they were right way of doing things. There are some situations in which the conventional way of doing things rather like rules. And then it can certainly feel more comfortable to know what the rules are. For example, it's useful to know how to order a meal at a restaurant, make an appointment to see the doctor, do what is expected of you as a member of a sports club or church or evening class. Learning the rules in such situations is a bit like learning a script. The script is useful because it tells you how to behave. There are several ways to learn about social conventions. First, you need to ask, would you mind if someone asked you about what was the right way to do something, would it be better to admit that you do not know or do the wrong thing. You could politely ask for more information about how to behave in a social situation. For example, at a formal dinner party, you could say, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure where I should see it or do you know if there is a seating plan? Sometimes information is there, but you are too confused to take it in. For example, notices about wearing ties or not smoking or laying out forks in the order they would be used in. People in different places, develop different conventions. So there is no one right way. Which I would for upsetting sorts. If you break a convention in five years time, we will remember that you set in someone else's place or spook out of turn at a meeting. You may not always know exactly what to do ahead of time. Instead, you have to learn to do what feels right and to respond flexibly to the demands of the situation as it develops. Without being self-conscious. This is much easier if you can focus comfortably on other people. There is clearly no single right way of saying hello and goodbye. But shy people often talk as if they were in danger of doing it wrong. As if there was an ideal way to behave. But whose way of behaving is the ideal? It is not a law of the land that you have to obey conventions. They are not rules or laws. In the end, people will do whatever they feel comfortable with or what works for them. This is why there is no need to be self-conscious about the way you do things. There are no absolute ideals or how we should behave moment by moment. There is no big rule book that tells us the one right way for every little thing we might do in the company of others. Basically demean rule to be considerate of others. That's why we're saying thank you. Why would he turn people's phone calls? Why we call a friend to wish him a happy birthday. Rules change with time, and they change according to the culture in which you live. Chances are, there are no rules for many of the behaviors. You are worried about. Whether you cross or uncross your legs while sitting in a group is of little concern to anybody. Mainly if you are generally coins to people and don't do anything that offends your own sense of decency, you will probably fit right in with everybody else. Rules or conventions and limit your ability to express yourself the way that feels right to you. You don't need any special skills to express yourself. It comes without teaching. And it's more a matter of feeling able to be yourself and finding the ways that work for you. Start with paying attention to others and responding to them. Social rules are not absolute truth. In most Western cultures. Simply being considerate of others will pave the way to smooth social interactions. 35. Improving conversation skills (part 1): Although getting the conversation started is sometimes difficult, it often becomes easier with practice. If you are at a party, it is perfectly appropriate to walk up to a group of people who are already talking. After a minute or two of standing around with the group, you can join in the conversation. It takes practice and scripting to learn how to interrupt without disrupting. You can arrive to class or place of work early, so you can chat with others. The topic of conversation should usually begin with something friendly and not to a personal. Particularly if you don't know the other individual very well. You may begin with something like, how was your weekend? I like your new haircut. I noticed that you are not driving your usual car. I don't believe we have met. My name is. Other appropriate topics include hobbies, your job in movie or TV show. You recently saw the weather, something you recently read, your occasion in recent shopping trip or routing and sports. After you have been talking for a while, it may be appropriate to discuss controversial topics, such as politics, relationships, personal feelings, difficult family situations. However, you should introduce these topics slowly and engage in other person's reactions. You for deciding how far to take the conversation. Try to avoid getting too personal unless you know the other person well, or the other person is disclosing similar types of personal information. You decide how much or how little information to disclose about yourself. It's totally up to you. This is not an issue of being honest or dishonest. Rather, it is an issue of how much you want others to know about you. All of us have experienced conversations that never really take hold, let alone keep on going. Sometimes that's just the way it is. People who are shy often feel it's their fault. For some reason. They believe that the responsibility of keeping the conversation going rests solely on them. So with the prospect of entering into a conversation brings on anxiety, it's important to realize that the other person is just as responsible as you for carrying on the conversation. A common problem for people would tend to shy away from conversations is that they have difficulty finding anything to talk about. Again, it's not all up to you to come up with topics. The other person will have something to say and you can follow up. You just do your share of contributing to the conversation by bringing up your own topics. If you have nothing to say, what is, what is going on inside and outside of you. You might notice any number of sensations, thoughts, feelings, or impulses killed the other person. What you are noticing. For instance, you might say, I noticed that the sun shining on those leaves. I noticed your earrings sparkling Into sunlight. I notice your smile. I noticed that I am no smiling. You can literally carry on this exercise four hours. There are millions of bits of information available to you at any moment. You can end up talking nonstop. Just share your awareness. Running out of things to talk about is not a failure. And it does not mean that you are boring. It is a normal feature of all conversations. 36. Improving conversation skills (part 2): Inaction is the most characteristic feature of shyness. Anxiety, boredom, and passivity generate more fatigue than does the heaviest of laborers. You need to get moving. You will discover untapped sources of energy when you are doing what you want to do. And not over recognition. Smile the wave of the hand. You who can do AI? You will have to put some energy behind it and some skill into it. Hello, Hi there. How's it going? Good to see you around. Where have you been? I liked what you said. Have a good weekend. To get into good conversations, we need to have something to say. The easiest way to do that is to keep yourself informed. Read the newspapers or magazines, know what the political situation is. Read movie, and the book reviews come up with four or five interesting or exciting things that have happened to you recently. Turn them into brief, interesting stories. Write down some interesting stories or jokes other people have told you. If you want to start a conversation, choose someone who looks approachable. It person who is smiling at you, or sitting alone or wandering around. Don't choose someone who is obviously museum doing something else. There are a number of ways to start a conversation. Choose the one that is most appropriate to your situation and most comfortable for you. Introduce yourself. Give compliments, then follow up with a question. Request help, or for help. Try self-disclosure. You will find that when you make an obviously personal statement, which will elicit a positive sympathetic response. Effective listening should involve active participation, rather than just sitting quietly and absorbing information. Active listening involves maintaining appropriate eye contact. Paraphrasing what the person has said, asking for clarification, asking questions to help you understand what was said. And providing the other person was feedback or your reactions to what she said. Whenever possible. Feedback should be immediate, honest, reflecting your true feelings and supportive. In other words, gentle and unlikely to be hurtful to the other person. When you are in a conversation, don't hesitate to ask for clarification. If you don't understand something. I don't understand that. Can you explain it? Is this what you are saying? Don't be afraid to admit that you don't know something. People often enjoy explaining things to others. In addition, it's important to listen with empathy. Meaning Empathic means conveying the idea that you genuinely understand the other person's message as well as deep feelings he's experiencing. Note that it is not necessary for you to agree with the other person's perspective just to understand it. 37. Reducing self-consciousness: Self-consciousness goes, was feeling about you stand out, that other people are looking at you. Entering a room full of people, or saying goodbye when you leave are situations which are likely to provoke it. This may be because at those times, it is more difficult to do what is expected of you socially without drawing attention to yourself. The less self-conscious you are, the easier it is to be yourself and to join internationally was What is going on around you. To become less self-conscious, you need to direct your attention. Two other things. To focus more of your attention on what is happening outside yourself. Instead of on what is happening inside. You need to forget yourself to become absorbed in your social life. Instead. Practice consciously switching your attention away from yourself and on to other things. Think of yourself as exploring and investigating. Notice details about other people. They are causing, physical characteristics, mannerisms, and so on. Be an objective observer. Do not judge. Be curious. Develop an interest in the people around you. You may truly want to know what makes different people tick. What makes them similar or different? Observe what the other person or people are wearing, and how stylish or not your thing that they are tried to guess what they might be feeling or what sort of day they have had. Work out, what their occupation might be. Many successful actors and actresses, clean. They are extremely shy and social situations where there are no scripts to go buy. More prompts, to rely on. The prospect of unpredictability is unnerving. Why is it so important to be in control and to leave nothing to chance? Generally, boutique control when we want to protect ourselves from disappointment or hurt. Exercising control by planning ahead can be a healthy thing. For example, will make reservations ahead of time. However, exercising control, my personal opinion, you don't every single detail of an event before it happens in anticipation of people's judgment and approval is something else. This excessive control can rub a life of its luster and excitement. There is little chance for moments that are spontaneous, delightful, and unexpected. We need to allow ourselves to take tiny risks into the unknown. 38. Improving your self-esteem : Shyness and low self-esteem go together. When shyness is high, self-esteem is low, and when steam is high, China's moves out of the picture. Shy person is very dependent on other people's validation and approval. A confident person is not frustrated at not having achieved his goal. He can enjoy himself since his satisfaction is not tied to future oriented goals. The model of a person for whom the process is the product. People with high self-esteem do not crumble under criticism or few devastated by rejection. They thank you for the constructive advice. When confronted with a no. It is never interpreted as a rejection of them. Instead, they think they are act needs more work. They approach was too fast to growth, too subtle to complicated the situation and timing was not right. The person who rejected as a problem that needs counsel or sympathy. In any event, the cause of the node lies not within them, but without. They analyze and plan to regroup forces and return again with a more polished act. It's easy then for them to be optimists. They get what they want more often than not. If someone teases you, do you feel affected? If someone criticizes you? Do you feel the need to keep talking and convincing other people? You are not what they said you. It simply shows you care about their opinions too much. If someone has the ability to make you feel versus simply by giving you disapproval, then they have all power and control over you. You have given your power away by requiring their validation. People, in fact, like people who are not needy for the validation or approval. It makes an equal relationship and connection possible. So try to cut yourself free from this dependence mood to distance yourself from other people. What? To become independent? You want to get to a point where you are much less dependent on other people's reactions for you to feel okay about yourself. A point where you remain unaffected by people's negative reactions, indifferent to what people think of you. There is no magic technique to achieve it. It happens over time as you gain more experience and starts to leave these concepts. Practice being a social animal. Can you enjoy feeling the energy that other people just meet? The unique qualities and range of variability of people. Imagine what their fears and insecurities might be and how you could help them decide what you need from them and what you have to give them. Show them that you are ready and open to sharing. Stop being so over protective about your ego. It is tougher and more resilient and you imagine it bruises but never breaks. Better. It should get hurt occasionally from an emotional commitment that didn't work out as planned, then get numbed from the emotional insulation of playing it to cool. You are not an object to which that things just happen. A passive non entity hoping like a garden slug to avoid being stepped on. You can change the direction of your entire life anytime you choose to do so. Instead of always preparing for and worrying about how you will live your life, you forget yourself as you become absorbed in the living of it. 39. Solving the shyness problem (part 1): Over time, we find something positive, even in our misery and handicaps. Those secondary gains of misfortune often have immediate benefits, were unwilling to give up for the cure. For some of the shy people, their desire to no longer be shy is tempered by the knowledge that they will have to take more risks in initiating action. Also, China's may be a convenient umbrella, preventing exposure to even worse feelings. Being unwanted, unloved, uninteresting, unintelligent. If you no longer wants to be a shy person, you must decide what kind of a person and you do want to be. And then invest in great deal of time and energy in realizing Iago. Think very hard about the subtle things you have gained from pasting that shyness label on yourself. Most of us known how to derive something positive even from a diversity. What do you get out of your shyness? We don't usually acknowledge these secondary gains of our primary disability. These could be excuses, playing it safe, and not taking unnecessary risks, avoiding criticism, keeping aggressive people away. Not to becoming emotional or too involved in other people's lives. Some degree of shyness is perfectly normal. At times. Everyone has to deal with situations that are embarrassing or humiliating or in which they are criticized or judged or evaluated less well than they would wish. Nothing you can do. We'll stop such things happening. These events are inevitable. You can accept them, but not lead them, undermine your confidence. Sometimes things will go well, sometimes not. And so you may feel discouraged. At times. Everyone has good days and bad days. And problems always seem worse on a bad one. If you expect a few of these normal fluctuations, they will be less likely to set you back when they happen. What do you did successfully yesterday? May seem impossible today, it is important to realize that setbacks are a normal part of progress and that you need not be discouraged by them. If at any stage you seem to be stuck or even to have sleep backwards, it could be because you are trying to run before you can walk. Recognize that you may have to take things slowly and that breaking old patterns of thinking and behaving takes time. Sometimes you will find the old ways of keeping yourself safe, reemerge. But what can change one's can do so again, even a small change means that you are not stuck with the problem, but need to keep working on it. Watch out for feeling discouraged. Everyone should expect if you set backs. So when they happen to you, try to take them in your stride and do not let them interfere with your plans. If you do not give up, you will overcome the problem in the end. 40. Solving the shyness problem (part 2): Taking risks and doing things differently than 100k, you're very anxious. You need to focus more on what is happening around you and less on your internal thoughts, feelings, and self appraisals. In the normal course of living, focus turns to everyday demands. Gradually, efforts to increase social confidence. Me when setbacks are inevitable, they are absolutely normal. You must be patient and expect some failures, some anxiety, and a lot more. But we can learn much from our failures if you are prepared to accept them as an inevitable but temporary consequence of trying something new. Society. It sends many messages that tell us that China's is not okay. But China's does not equal weakness. I can be shy and I can still be strong. So longus do the task that needs doing. In spite or feeling nervous or awkward. Shyness is independent of strength of character. People can be loud and boisterous or shy. China's does not get in the way of developing strength of character. We do not have to buy into societies negative judgment of shyness. It is an arbitrary judgment. In some cultures. It is a push for that, which is being independent. And surely people from other cultures would be mortified if they displayed such characteristics. You can choose whether you want to buy into such arbitrary values. You can choose to value that which is closer to your true nature. Some people looked down on computer notes, unless they are each short people, fat people, people who are too dark to light, not intellectual enough, not sporty enough, and so on. Power politics will always exist. It is the persons who was, when he looks down on someone who prejudice is usually a product of a lack of education and exposure, brainwashing or immune Spirit. We do not have to cooperate with power politics. We do not have to think that something is wrong with us just because someone else may think so. We do not have to keep showing us is secret. Perhaps it is time to appreciate your normal shyness and to do something about that extra shyness that gets in the way of having as fulfilling, alive as you might like. China's is normal. It is when you become shy about being shy that you run into trouble. 41. Building confidence: When you have begun feeling more comfortable in some of your field situations, a reasonable next step is to make some small mistakes purposefully, or to do things that make you look foolish or stupid. For example, pronouncing avert incorrectly while speaking to your boss, asking an obvious question in class or bumping into it, or if being the center of attention is difficult for you, you should try to draw the attention of others to your behavior. For example, rather than arriving early or on time, or a movie or a class, try arriving a few minutes late so that everyone is aware of you when you enter the room. Although you may feel embarrassed momentarily, you will learn from the practice that the whole experience doesn't matter. Even minutes later. Embarrassment will be temporary. Also, people who probably will forget about your late arrival almost instantly. And soon we'll be thinking about other things. You can feel on the spot. When you are asked to do something or to go out somewhere. Asking. And I have a couple of days to think about. It is a great way to take care of yourself while letting the person know that you will consider his request or invitation. If China's has rolled your life, chances are your life has been restricted. And doll. It's difficult to tell interesting personal stories if you haven't been experiencing what life has to offer. Take a class, join a study group, sign up for a hiking club, pick up a hobby, do volunteer work, attend local talks. As you continue to heal your life with these kinds of experiences, you will find it easier to tell personal stories. Another way of increasing the contents of your story back is to stay tuned to what's going on in the world. Listen to the news, read good books, both current and classic. Watch the latest movies or videos. If you are going to a social gathering, you might like to prepare two or three topics of conversation. Piece on the news stories or fictional stories you have just read about. Sometimes another person's story will remind you of a story of your own. In the excitement of remembering, you can jump in too quickly and starts telling your tail. The other person retreats. And you may not even notice that you have cut him off. Here the person out. Continue asking questions and leave your story on the back burner until a more appropriate moment. You can also try to deliberately arouse some of the symptoms at frighten you in social situations. Wetting your forehead to simulate sweating before giving a presentation. Purposefully appearing to lose your train of thought during the meeting, and intentionally allowing your hands while writing or holding the drink. By deliberately ringing on the symptoms you feel in a predictable and controlled way. You will learn to be less frightened of having these symptoms show in front of others. Being able to show embarrassment or our mistakes that may have inconvenienced others, kills people who care about them, and care about staying in there good books. Blushing as a sign of embarrassment can be a signal of goodwill and respect for others. It can reflect our desire to maintain social connections. Besides people who are in variable are often less aggressive and more considerate. And those who are unembarrassed. A person who shows appropriate embarrassment following a social mistake is more likable than a person who is to come and shows no embarrassment. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed occasionally is not the worst thing in the world. So we goofed as long as we don't judge ourselves to be flawed, human beings. Illegal shame and embarrassment and motivate us to do better next time. 42. Being genuine. Being yourself: Hiding our true nature is not attractive. Shyness is a part of you, not all of you. And it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's no use trying to please others by telling them what you think they want to hear. If you lose your true self in a relationship, there is no relationship. Respect to your thoughts and your feelings and share them with others. Self-monitoring stems from inferiority. You don't think that people would accept you for who you truly are. So you feel the need to alter people's impression of you becoming authentic means that the persona you try to put out to the world and Uriel personality become one. You stop making any sort of impression on the people you interact with. Ironically, you best way to make people like you is not to try to make them like you. You need to express your personality freely without worrying about possible disapproval. The way to make a good impression is never consciously try to make a good impression. Express yourself freely and let whatever happens, happen. Leave it up to feet. But do not try to control other people's reactions to you by changing your behavior. Number 1, don't consciously watch the other person is thinking of you or how she is judging you. It's a good idea to share your shy nature with others. Otherwise, shame wins out and inhibition rules. Next time you admire someone for speaking up, you can tell him. So I really liked what you said to that person. I wish I could do that. I tend to be a little shy when it comes to that sort of thing. If you are asked to go out somewhere, you might say, you know, part of me would really like to. Another part of me is kind of shy about going. If you are giving a presentation, you might say giving talks isn't exactly my strong suit. Frankly, I would rather jump through that hoop of fire and give a talk. But I've got some things to tell you that I think you will find interesting. What you say does not have to be that funny or interesting. Instead of trying to say the right thing on the time starts to lower the bar on what you're allowing yourself to say. You don't have to entertain people so that they would want to be around you. You don't have to make some comment to keep their love and attention. Once you start to value yourself more as a person, you will start to believe that people can like you just for you. If you are ever wondering what is the right thing to say in this situation, stop. What you say is the right thing to say. What do because it's a great comment. But because it comes from you. Don't be afraid to say things that are boring or obvious. People are perfectly satisfied talking to another regular, normal person. Plenty of people say dumb things occasionally. But it doesn't matter to them because they don't dwell on it. And just stay in the conversation. Don't pre-plan what you are going to say. It kills your spontaneity and delivery. You have to start trusting that what you are going to say will come to you naturally when and only when you need it. All you need to do is to keep your focus in the present moment as it unfolds. There is no right way of doing things. You can be successful without being socially skilled. Being socially skilled neither makes people love you, nor prevents them criticizing you. Being flexible will allow you to be more spontaneous. Let yourself adapt the situation demands, rather than trying to learn it precise rules of the game. This way, your social life will fall more naturally. Spontaneity allows you to express yourself much more authentically. Life's goal is life itself. To be fully engaged in living, not hiding behind a mosque. 43. Final thoughts: All of us want to live a more fulfilling life. But to accomplish this, we must be willing to risk freedom, to break out of our own prisons, to gamble on a new relationship. It's not always easy. After years of avoidance, you can't expect yourself to leap into social situations with the greatest of ease. Some situations will still provoke shyness, which change is possible? You must be willing to commute time and energy, and tourist some short-term failures. It is important to realize that a courageous and confident person is not necessarily a few less person, nor is she free from all anxiety. Susan G. Refers in her book, feel the fear and do it anyway, right stuff. No matter how much your confidence grew, she continued to feel anxious. Each time she tried something new. She realized that this was true for nearly everyone. As long as you continue to grow and put yourself into new and unfamiliar situations, you are bound to feel at least a trifle anxious while you are getting used to things. Anxiety in a new situation is really just life coursing through your body. You are challenging the unknown, trading, the familiar or unfamiliar. You are being. Courageous. Taking action is less frightening than anticipating taking that action. Once you get used to the idea that fear and anxiety are a normal part of life. Life becomes less fearsome and anxiety provoking. It's okay to explain to people that you are shy and that you are trying your best. Once people realize that you are a nice person and that your intention is never to stop anyone or to be snotty. They are usually fine about it. And sometimes really go out of their way to make you feel comfortable. It is preferable to be accepted as a marginal members of the society and agree to change your behavior than to remain within the safety of the shyness shell. But to feel lonely. Social inclusion comes at the price of conformity. But for many, this is a price worth paying. You have nothing to lose besides your feelings of isolation, sadness, and pain. The shy are deviant only in relation to cultural values. The Western culture is obsessed with assertiveness, talk, and extroversion. Shy people have derived to be different but equal. Non shy people who helps society would have become more tolerant of their difference. Maybe the world needs the shy and a doublet and all shades in between to make up the delicately balanced ecosystem of human behavior. When you love yourself, you stop exploiting yourself. You don't have to monitor yourself, hoping that people won't judge you. In other words, you stop bending yourself out of shape in efforts to please others. Buddha went on to explain that in order to practice self-love, you must first give up the idea that you are superior. In order to do that, you must give up feeling inferior. And to do that, you must give up feeling equal. To give up comparing yourself to others altogether. And you enter into connection with others. When you are no longer concerned about being superior or inferior or equal, you realize there is more about human beings that connects them to each other, then sets them apart. Human behavior is endlessly reach and odd. China's is just there. Another piece into intricate jigsaw of human diversity. Some see it as a form of rudeness or conceit, others as a sign of sensitivity and salt forms. Without showing us. People might be happier in the same way that they might be happier without back two inches or other random defects like acne, myopia, varicose veins, and dandruff. But perhaps the world would also be a little blender. This creative and less interesting. Okay?