How to Overcome Perfectionism and Stop Feeling like a Failure? | Nar Mina | Skillshare

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How to Overcome Perfectionism and Stop Feeling like a Failure?

teacher avatar Nar Mina, Wellness and Happiness

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Watch this class and thousands more

Get unlimited access to every class
Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Lessons in This Class

64 Lessons (4h 12m)
    • 1. Introduction

      2:12
    • 2. 1 What is perfectionism – part 1

      2:45
    • 3. 2 What is perfectionism – part 2. Achievements

      3:29
    • 4. 3 What is perfectionism - part 3. Worrying too much

      5:17
    • 5. 4 What is perfectionism – part 4. How it affects our lives?

      4:29
    • 6. 5 What is perfectionism – part 5. The Need for Control

      3:26
    • 7. 6 What is perfectionism – part 6. General picture

      4:16
    • 8. 7 Why do you think negative emotions are bad?

      4:48
    • 9. 8 Why are you never satisfied?

      3:23
    • 10. 9 How can you achieve your goal?

      3:04
    • 11. 10 How do you behave at work? (part 1)

      4:48
    • 12. 11 How do you behave at work? (part 2)

      4:08
    • 13. 12 How to say No

      3:31
    • 14. 13 How do you see the world around you?

      5:09
    • 15. 14 How to deal with negative thoughts?

      3:53
    • 16. 15 Checklist for Challenging your Thinking

      1:25
    • 17. 16 Why are you so harsh and unforgiving?

      4:10
    • 18. 17 Is it hard for you to make a decision?

      4:08
    • 19. 18 How to make a right choice?

      2:22
    • 20. 19 Why are you so rigid and inflexible?

      5:29
    • 21. 20 How to overcome the fear of failure

      4:38
    • 22. 21 Body image, weight loss and exercise (part 1)

      6:22
    • 23. 22 Body image, weight loss and exercise (part 2)

      5:03
    • 24. 23 How do the perfectionist women behave at home?

      5:04
    • 25. 24 Will perfectionism make you successful?

      4:13
    • 26. Why are the perfectionists unhappy?

      5:40
    • 27. How to overcome jealousy?

      5:06
    • 28. What are your expectations of life?

      4:03
    • 29. What do you expect from other people?

      2:50
    • 30. How to stop judging people?

      4:14
    • 31. What happens if you lose your job?

      2:53
    • 32. Why are you not pleased with yourself?

      3:25
    • 33. 38 Are you a negative or a positive person?

      3:32
    • 34. 39 What are you afraid of?

      4:02
    • 35. 40 How do you make conclusions in different circumstances?

      3:36
    • 36. 41 How to react to criticism and forgive?

      3:07
    • 37. 42 How to accept reality and circumstances

      4:18
    • 38. 43 How to deal with grief and pain

      2:16
    • 39. How and why did you become a perfectionist? (part 1)

      3:49
    • 40. How and why did you become a perfectionist? (part 2)

      3:08
    • 41. How and why did you become a perfectionist (part 3)

      3:40
    • 42. Out of touch with your feelings?

      3:08
    • 43. How to overcome unpleasant thoughts and feelings?

      3:21
    • 44. Why do we underestimate writing?

      5:09
    • 45. Why affirmations don’t work

      3:34
    • 46. 45 Why do you worry so much?

      3:19
    • 47. 46 What is mindfulness and how to be mindful?

      2:38
    • 48. 47 How did your parents made you a perfectionist?

      4:06
    • 49. 48 How to be a good parent – myths and truths

      8:25
    • 50. 49 How to raise a non perfectionist child?

      3:12
    • 51. 50 How to deal with anxiety of perfectionism?

      4:31
    • 52. 51 Why do you belittle your achievements?

      3:17
    • 53. 52 The words you use affect your life choices

      2:14
    • 54. 53 How to reach your goals

      3:16
    • 55. 54 Do you secretly want someone to fail?

      3:56
    • 56. 55 Do you want to live happily ever after?

      5:10
    • 57. 56 Are you looking for a perfect partner?

      6:20
    • 58. 57 What do you expect from friendship

      3:19
    • 59. 58 How to overcome aggression and resentment? Assertiveness

      6:47
    • 60. 59 How to start changing your life?

      3:58
    • 61. 60 How to show empathy and listen to a friend adv

      2:23
    • 62. 61 Are you afraid of aging?

      3:16
    • 63. 62 Why do you pretend to be happy?

      3:36
    • 64. 63 What next? Who cares what happens next?

      2:00
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About This Class

    1. How to overcome the need to be the most, the first and the best of all...

       

      In this course you will learn:

      1. How to deal with challenges and failures
      2. How to stop worrying about everything
      3. How to overcome inner critic
      4. How to achieve your goals
      5. How to behave at work
      6. How to say “NO”
      7. How to deal with negative thoughts
      8. How to stop being harsh and unforgiving
      9. How to make a decision without stress
      10. How to stop being rigid and inflexible
      11. how to overcome the fear of failure
      12. How to stop worrying about your body image and weight loss
      13. How to raise confident and happy children
      14. How to overcome painful emotions and be happy
      15. How to overcome jealousy
      16. How to stop judging people
      17. How to stop having high expectations of people and life
      18. How to stop worrying about losing your job
      19. How to be pleased with yourself
      20. How to be a positive person
      21. How to be assertive
      22. How to overcome your deepest fears
      23. How to deal with mean people
      24. How to accept reality and circumstances
      25. How to deal with grief and loss
      26. How to be mindful
      27. How to outgrow your childhood experiences
      28. How to raise a non-perfectionist child
      29. How to deal with anxiety
      30. How to praise yourself and your achievements
      31. How to be grateful
      32. How to communicate your needs and desires
      33. How to use the correct language
      34. How to deal with negative thoughts
      35. How to find a perfect partner and be in a happy relationship
      36. How to communicate with friends without stress
      37. How to overcome aggression and resentment
      38. How to start changing your life
      39. How to show empathy
      40. How to listen to somebody
      41. How to overcome the fear of growing old
      42. How to react to criticism
      43. How to let go of control

       

      Do you strive to be perfect? Never feeling fully satisfied with where things are now? Do you think you are not good enough, think of yourself as a loser?

      If you want to be the most, the first and the best of all…Stop it! Perfectionism is destroying you.

      Perfectionists are highly critical of others and themselves. They strive to achieve their best performance and goals in everything they do. What they can’t accept in themselves is something they reject in others.

      They try to please others with their performance. And although it encourages them to excel, it also instills a fear of failure.

      If you strive to be perfect, you tend to compare yourself with others and often try to demean them.

      People try hard to have their lives look perfect in order to mask massive underlying issues.

       

      Do any of these statements sound familiar to you?

       

      I have been told I am too judgmental, often thinking the worst of others

      I feel that others have unrealistically high expectations of me

      I hate asking for help, because it can be perceived as a flaw or weakness

      I can’t stand being interrupted

      I can’t stand it if my house/office is not organised meticulously

      I think that others are constantly judging me and feeling dissatisfied with me.

      I get really upset when I feel criticized

      I feel I have to do everything myself because nobody can do things properly

      I can’t stop thinking about a mistake I made

      It is difficult for me to delegate

      I want something either perfect or not at all

      I am constantly checking and rechecking work before considering it finished

      I am careful about how I phrase things so people will like me

      I find it very difficult to say ‘no’

      I feel guilty if I take time for myself

      Asking for what I want is hard for me

      I avoid any situation which could be confrontational

      I am reluctant to form relationships with others for fear of being rejected or looking foolish

      I get irritated when others don’t get things right

      When I have made a decision I often doubt my choice

      I avoid social situations because I feel uncomfortable

      I feel inferior to people more successful, more attractive than me

      People will look down on me if I look foolish or make a mistake

      I feel devastated if I make a mistake

      I am very competitive and can’t stand doing worse than others

      I avoid trying things I might not be good at

      I don't want others see my imperfections

      I worry about what people will think of me

      I want to be thought of as a nice person

      I am a fault-finder, I must correct other people when they are wrong

      I find myself obsessing about the finer details of a task

      I felt that I could never meet my parents’ expectations

      It is hard for me to complain about a poor product or service

      I tend to be quite critical of my family/colleagues which causes arguments and bad feelings

      I feel anxious if I think someone might think badly of me

      I am very self-conscious about making mistakes in front of other people

      If I don’t do well all the time people won’t respect me

      I hate it if I don’t get something right from the beginning

      Every project I do has to be 100-percent perfect

      I don’t like it when others don't do something the way I do

      I like to be ready for everything that can happen

      If I gain a few pounds, I will look like a pig

      I am often tense and depressed when I need to do something

      I can be very fixated on details

      If people knew my true self, they would dislike me

      If during a diet I eat one cookie, I continue to eat because I have already ruined the diet

      I will look terrible if I wear shorts because my legs are fat

      I often use the word “must”.

      Entertaining is good, but only after I finish all the work

      I am never really satisfied with my work; it never feels completely finished

      My self-confidence depends on my achievements

      If I fail, I tend to ruminate about it over and over again.

      I can never have anyone over to dinner because my house is messy

      It’s hard for me to finish projects because I can always do something more to improve them

      If my report isn’t perfect, I’ll get fired

      I’m indecisive because I’m afraid of making a mistake

      I have to volunteer for every project

      I have to endlessly prove my worth at work and it is exhausting

      It is hard for me to think outside the box

      Nobody ever appreciates me

      Although I earn good money, I constantly think that it’s not enough

      I want to feel and look successful, so I spend a lot of money on clothes and status items (cars, phones, etc.)

       

      Perfectionists tend to be:

      • Competitive
      • Defensive and over-emotional
      • Ambitious
      • Critical, picky
      • Fussy, judgmental
      • Aggressive or hostile
      • Afraid of criticism
      • Fast walking, talking, speaking

       

      Here are some negative effects of perfectionism:

      • Anxiety
      • Depression
      • Beating yourself up
      • Panic disorder
      • Social isolation
      • Insomnia
      • Exhaustion and tiredness
      • Muscle tension
      • Working endless hours
      • Rumination
      • Increased self-criticism
      • Sexual dysfunction
      • Low self-esteem
      • Repeated checking
      • Obsessive-compulsive disorder
      • Excessive amount of time spent on tasks
      • Putting off tasks (procrastination)
      • List-making
      • Being over-thorough
      • Hating to waste time
      • Decreased creativity
      • Decreased job satisfaction
      • Eating disorders

       

      Perfectionists, despite being wealthy, healthy, famous, and gorgeous, are unhappy.

      They dismiss the good in their lives while concentrating on the bad. Although they work hard, strive to get everything done meticulously, they are people who are supposed to be successful and happy, they mostly are not. Other people consider them successful, but perfectionists see themselves as failures, and they are not quite happy.

      Perfectionism makes you stay home, not take chances, and procrastinate on projects; it makes you think your life is worse than it is; it keeps you from being yourself; it stresses you out; it tells you that good is bad.

      So let’s give up perfectionism and start living a happy life!

       

       

Meet Your Teacher

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Nar Mina

Wellness and Happiness

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Transcripts

1. Introduction: do any off these statements Sound familiar to you? Do you constantly check and recheck work before considering it finished? Is it hard for you to ask for what you want? Do you strive to be perfect, never feeling fully satisfied with where things are now? Do you think you are not good enough? Think off yourself as a loser. Perfectionists are highly critical of others and themselves. They strive to achieve their best performance and goals in everything they do. They try to please others, and although it encouraged them to excel, it also instills a fear of failure. Perfectionists tend to be competitive, defensive, ambitious, critical and peaky, judgmental and aggressive despite being wealthy, healthy, famous and gorgeous. Perfectionists are unhappy. They dismiss the good in their lives while concentrating on the bed. They are supposed to be successful and happy, but they mostly are not. Other people consider them successful, but perfectionists see themselves as failures on they are not quite happy. In this course. I will help you to give up perfectionism on, be happy with what you have. You are some skills you'll learn in this course, 2. 1 What is perfectionism – part 1: Protectionist tend to depend on the praise of others. The self-esteem is often based on how other people treat them. In the depths of his soul. A perfectionist is always eager to hear how others are impressed by his achievements. Even if he's embarrassed to accept praise or out loud, you don't please his achievements. These sauce TO priest can be so strong that it perfectionist can give up her own needs just to deserve it. For example, she can stay awake all night working on a project or skip an appointment with friends because the school committee asked for her help. Perfectionist usually expect negative assessment and few are getting it. This makes it impossible for perfectionist to achieve true happiness and peace. On the outside, they may seem happy. But inside the perfect shell, there is dissatisfaction and anxiety, which makes them played those unpleasant situations in their heads again and again. It constantly think about something they didn't or shouldn't do. Perfectionists are more motivated by feel and the prospect of success, especially the fear of failure and negative assessment from others. They focus on how to avoid mistakes. The result is constant self condemnation, like, what am I doing wrong, and what should I do instead of what am I doing well, and what do I want to do? The friction ism contains a great paradox. Although many perfectionists are distinguished by over achievements. In the end, they are people of insufficient achievements. Some perfectionists award complex tasks, thinking, I can't do it perfectly. So why start? This is like procrastination, putting things off. Some people are stuck on work that is too easy for them because they are afraid of failure at a higher level. Some feel defeated when, for example, we can not sustain weight loss for a long time. They say, Why do exercises if my wage keeps coming back. 3. 2 What is perfectionism – part 2. Achievements: If you are a perfectionist, You feel it would be terrible to make a mistake, to fail, or fall short in your career, studies, hobby, or other personal goal. You feel driven. You may be hypercompetitive or a workaholic. Whatever level of success you achieve, it never feels satisfying because nothing is ever quite good enough. When you demand that you must succeed. You are not merely challenging yourself, which can be beneficial, but usually comparing yourself to others and feeling driven to be better than them. And when your main drive is to show yourself to be superior to others, that can lead to denigrating others. However, outstandingly good you may be in a given field. They will invariably be others who are still better. You may then have an unhealthy conditional acceptance of yourself as opposed to a healthy, unconditional acceptance of yourself. If you feel that in order to be a good, erstwhile person, you must have outstanding achievements. You may never discover your full range of talents and abilities. And you really want in life who you really are. Imagine if you were made redundant or sect from your job. You would probably become depressed or be in a state of shock. Because your sense of self is measured by your achievements, not by who you really are. When it comes to your body image, you must have a perfect phase or figure to be desirable or appealing. Are surrounded by messages about the need to be physically perfect. U2 can be the perfect size 0. And these shoots fake to us by advertising. The media and society in general, have an insidiously compulsive effect on us. You are convinced that others will look down on you. If you don't meet their high standards. You feel you have to impress them with your accomplishments, talent, ability, or intelligence in order that they like you or I suspect you may feel inferior to others who appear more attractive, more intelligent, or more successful than you. Typical situations might be walking into a party on your own, initiating a conversation, going on a date, going to a job interview, confronting someone about the problem, for example, and noisy neighbor. Or talking to someone in authority or with higher status. Perfection is our apprehensive about two aspects of the situation. Firstly, they have anxious thoughts about the situation itself. And secondly, they have anxious thoughts about seemingly nervous in front of other people. They might worry that people will notice their neck flush or they're sweating role as if being nervous is a sign of weakness. So perfectionist often avoid situations that make them feel uncomfortable. Or they may find ways of coping by, for example, MOOC offering an opinion in case other symptoms stupid. They might withdraw socially so they don't have to face the disk. And also because self-criticism can make us unwilling to share things about ourselves for fear of what others may think of them. 4. 3 What is perfectionism - part 3. Worrying too much: When we worry, it is usually about the future. Thinking about what might happen and often involves a motif style of thinking. This includes lots of speculation, jumping to conclusions and fortunetelling. Considering one of the perfectionist greatest fears is not meeting their own high standards. Marring is likely to be second nature. Then there is nomination. More associated with constantly running over a past event. For example, that important meeting, where do you set something you wish you hadn't? We torture ourselves about what we should have done or said a kind of literal control. If we can't put past events behind us. I think first learned, what do we need to learn from them? Of course, they will affect us into future, causing pointless emotional pain and lack of engagement in our daily lives. It will also make us reluctant to try new things and take risks. Perfectionist will spend a lot of time worrying about doing or saying derived, think. This need to please others is often called Moody goal syndrome or nice guy syndrome. They tried to do the right thing for all the people in their lives. But looking off to everyone else's needs often means neglecting their own. We all know that these anxious sorts can be very difficult to turn off. In fact, they are often just below the level of conscious sort. Almost like constant background noise which was sold them become aware of the drag us down and deplete our energy. Of course, vividly we imagined these things. The more tense will become and diverse will feel. The more aware you are of your sorts do better. It is important to develop their ability to stand back and observe your thinking. Self. Perfectionistic thinking can erode self-esteem because the friction is tend to engage in all or nothing thinking when they evaluate their performance. If a perfectionist fields at a task, say she gets a low grade on a test. She tends to enlarge that feeling or failure to include not just the test but herself to the fiction is quickly jumped from the idea of I failed at this task. Two, I am a failure. When there are a few things out of place on the kitchen counter. The move very quickly from my counter is amiss to my entire kitchen is unless my entire house is a mess. And to I MMS. Worrying is a normal part of life and natural response to feeling anxious and only becomes a problem when it interferes was normal functioning. If you are a perfectionist, then anxieties, quite probably a constant companion, even if you aren't aware of it. Of course, there are many reasons why you might worry. Depending on what kind of perfectionist You are. Who helps you worry about what people might think of you, your health or that of your family. Lack of tidiness or not getting through as much work as you feel you should. It is a habit and like inhabit the movie, indulge in it. The more entrenched it becomes. What like inhabit, it can be changed, which might take some effort, but it can be changed. Perfectionism is an active control. If things are perfect, we feel more ordered, more in control. Every bit of stress, everything that brings people to psychologists offices is related to a feeling of being out of control. Some people tolerate the lack of control. Perfectionists don't. They may have uncontrollable chaos and daily lives. An alcoholic parent or spouse, for example. And because that part of their life isn't cares, they try to wrest control by exercising super control in other areas of their lives. Maybe they can't do anything about the alcoholic parent, but they can make sure to never gain apartment. House looks beautiful, and their kids are smart. And you give them a false sense of control. If everything looks good, it must be good. 5. 4 What is perfectionism – part 4. How it affects our lives?: perfectionists seem to be motivated and energetic or a casual observer. They are always happy, cheerful and full of optimism. If you dig deeper, you will find an incredible internal tension, which can lead to depression, anxiety, anger, shame, insomnia, headaches and even suicide. They may postpone seeing a doctor because they are not in good shape. They can rigorously control every piece off food or become obese, thinking that it is not first trying it all. They often put other people's needs above their own health or pleasure. Personal relationships. Perfectionism can't interfere was physical intimacy. For example, if woman show eyes away from sex because she has an imperfect body, it is difficult to keep a close relationship with the person who has perfectionist standards. That's why sometimes it means loneliness. Perfectionists fear that people will notice their shortcomings so they don't let anyone close to them. Perfectionist tends to project his own high standards on others. For example, wife picks at her husband for not washing the dishes. Although he cleaned up the whole apartment to please her. The bride can try too hard to make the wedding perfect to the smallest details Mother makes her child succeed in sport, depriving him off childhood and simple joys. Perfectionists Children constantly feel that they are being assessed and judged. They think that they will never be able to live up to their parents expectations because they fall short. Woman was eating disorders have unrealistically high expectations in terms of weight control what their diet, appearance and exercise adherence. They restrict calories, binge and perch or over exercise to reach their perfect weight. However, no matter how soon they get, they never feel they have reached their goal. - A perfectionist is Isa a hard worker response toe emails at 20 clock in the morning and its first to arrive at the office or a supervisor or does not want to or cannot delegate responsibilities. Despite his workload. And even if he delegates continues to closely monitor each step of his team, it is difficult for perfectionist to finish what they started. Many businessmen do not want to create their own websites or publish articles or make presentations for fear that it all will turn out to be in perfect. Thus, the perfectionist demonstrate lack of flexibility and teamwork requires flexible people are ready to make exceptions, and if necessary make changes. Stress is the result of excessive self correction, and it rather leads to a desire to quit everything and to keep things going. Some perfectionists are extremely picky about their environment. They attach great importance to the details and are over organizing. Even their junk books is neatly divided into sections where they can get truly upset if something is out of place. Other sides of perfectionism, our procrastination, depression and long what since perfectionists end to put productivity above pleasure, you can often hear them say I haven't been on vacation for several years. Even when they take a break, even for a few hours, they are constantly worried about the things that they should be doing. They get stuck in details, which should be ideal, so they lose overall vision. You would think that the perfectionists have everything. Still, they feel like they are missing something 6. 5 What is perfectionism – part 5. The Need for Control: perfectionism is about dealing with other feelings off uncertainty and insecurity. This fear of uncertainty often leads to adopting rigid rules, which can be paralyzing. What's more, having this continual drive to be perfect makes it difficult to follow our passion to be creative, to become excited about new ideas and interests infections and does lead to the development of a disproportionate need for control, control of ourselves, our feelings, other people and the things that happen to us. But the notion of control is a myth, because how much in life can be actually control? A perfectionist feel anxious when not in control. And this can cause problems deep, usually when it comes to delegation, because, after all, there is only one way to do things his way. When we delegate a task, it involves trusting someone else to produce results, which we feel we will be judged on. Things can make us come across as inflexible and uncompromising as control freaks or micro managers. If things don't go perfectly often, blame those around us, the circumstances or the fact that it was last minute a. Well, nothing thinking is very common. Perfection is think of themselves as either in control or out of control, right or wrong, happy or unhappy. And the more they think in those terms, more like that, they are to reinforce their perfectionism. And the problem is that much of this thinking goes on just below the level off of a conscious awareness where it can benefit from analysis and scrutiny. People are perfectionistic often find it difficult to make decisions. Do you worry about making a mistake even when making the simplest off choices, deciding what to wear or what to order in a restaurant? And they changed and one several times. Sometimes they feel paralyzed by the enormity of the task because they tend to see things in rather black and white terms. This is a task as one huge problem which certain is toe over bomb them? A. Supposed to taking a step by step approach. Perfectionistic personality treats can cause a wide range of difficulties difficult to making decisions, checking, entry, checking or were analyzing ruminating. Being too picky about potential partners. Perfectionist behave differently. Some try to impress others by bragging or displaying their perfection, and they often irritate other people. Others award situations in which they might display they imperfection on, they tend to keep problems to themselves, including an inability to admit failure. Also, for esteem and lack of self belief can lead to the feeling that we will never achieve our goals in life. And that can produce a kind of immobilization like energy and motivation to make things happen, and this can lead to problems with depression. 7. 6 What is perfectionism – part 6. General picture: the pursuit off excellence is not perfectionism. The desire for perfection per se is quite natural. The perfectionist intention to achieve excellence is not a bad quality. The problem is her reaction. When she cannot achieve absolute perfection, she personalizes Thean perfect result, assessing her own importance. Was it thinking, I am not good enough? Even taking the second place worldwide in a certain sport, they are not satisfied. Perfectionists often say that they aren't happy. They have this assumption that truly happy people are somehow in June from sadness, fear and anxiety or from experiencing failures and setbacks. Perfectionists believe that it is only one right way, affection on they must find it. Everything must be perfect so that they can be pleased with themselves. If you do not achieve 100% success in 100% of cases, it does not make you a loser. It only means that you are human. It is very important to draw a line between a healthy desire for mystery and stressful source for perfection. Some people have perfectionist tendencies in all or most areas off life. Others have it only in certain areas like work studies, cleaning relationships, physical appearance weight or money. One of the reasons perfectionism is difficult to overcome is because we're associating with certain positive traits. Many people in job interviews mentioned perfectionism they are asked to name a personal weakness. Usually equate perfectionism was making sure things are done and done well, and being attention to details their so called admission off protectionism is a round about way off, revealing a strength off, saying, I am detail oriented, methodical, hardworking, and you can trust me. Have you ever been angry at yourself because you prepared yourself for changes? For example, you decided to lose weight or stop drinking alcohol daily. But at some stage, you gave up on your initiative. Perfectionist qualities are have. It's just a way of thinking, interacting with the world, evaluating ourselves and those around us. Mere sort of transforming perfectionist tendencies terribly scares us. We focus on positive aspect on previous accomplishments and education, and do not think on the high price for pay in an endless race for what we want. At first, all smokers are focused on the reasons for quitting smoking on the arguments against it. However, over time the pros such positive aspects of smoking as a relaxation or appetite suppression often cause a relapse. But if you find other ways to relieve stress, you will get rid off the need for smoking. Think about the following questions. How does your perfectionistic attitudes affect your psychological health and physical well being? How does it affect your relationships with family, friends and colleagues? How does your behavior affect your work? Your studies, the amount of money you get and spent oldest perfectionism affect the pleasure enjoy that you get from life. 8. 7 Why do you think negative emotions are bad?: fear of failure motivates us to work harder to achieve success, reject, feel they're so vigorously that we cannot take the risks that are necessary for growth. This fear not only compromises our performance jeopardizes our psychological well being. But failure is an inescapable and critically important part off any successful life. As of agro, who learned to walk by falling to talk by babbling those so intensely fear feeling, end up falling short of their potential eyes and learned to feel or we don't learn at all. Happy life is not composed off an endless stream of positive emotions. If a person experiences envy or anger, disappointment or sadness, fear or anxiety, it doesn't mean that she is not really happy. All normal people experienced this normal, unpleasant feelings. Experiencing these emotions at times is a sign that we're not psychopaths, that we are alive. Paradoxically, when we do not allow ourselves to experience painful emotions will limit our capacity for happiness when we block painful emotions while also booking pleasurable once and these painful emotions only expand and intensify on, they aren't released when they finally break through, and they eventually do that, they all well must people emotions are an inevitable part of the experience of being human , and therefore rejecting them is ultimate rejecting part off our humanity. To lead a full and fulfilling life, a happy life, we need to allow ourselves to experience the full range of human emotions way need to give ourselves permission to be human. Perfectionist have their own grand symbols of success, which also don't bring them in a satisfaction, at least not for a long time. They need a new symbol each time they do something, they never consider anything they do to be good enough. Although they are clearly a great success and everybody around them say so, they are unable to set themselves a successful. The actual reject success perfectionist consistently measures himself against standards that are almost impossible to meet. Even one hair tain it. It would quickly dismiss his success as trivial and move onto the next impossible goal. Intense fear of failure does not let us venture outside. The box was stop experimenting on bus, diminish our ability to learn and grow. Some people become chronic procrastinators, afraid to begin a project if they are not certain off a perfect outcome. A. Some places innovation is rejected for the sake of tried and true, the safe and the mediocre people seem to have it all but are nevertheless unhappy. If the only dream would have is off a perfect wife who are doomed to disappointment, since such dreams simply cannot come true. In the real world, perfection is a mix. All of our real life accomplishments seem unimportant. What unable to take real and lasting pleasure in our success is we measure our own verse entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment. The perfectionist expects his past toward inning goal and his entire join us for life to be smooth and easy free of obstacles when inevitably, it isn't when he feels at a task, for instance, or when things don't quite turn out the way he expected. He is extremely frustrated and has difficulty coping accept failure as a natural part of life and as an experience that is inextricably linked to success. Failure to get the job he wanted or arguing with your sports is part of a full and fulfilling life. You learn what you can from these experiences and emerge stronger and more resilient. Perfectionists are unhappy in college, largely because they cannot accept failure as a necessary part off learning and leaving. They don't commit themselves to feel sad when, for example, every opportunity is lost. They try not to experience the deep pain that follows the dissolution often important relationship when need to accept that painful emotions are an inevitable part of being alive. Give room for sadness and p a little such feelings to deepen your overall experience off life. You don't have to even shouldn't ready joy, 24 7 9. 8 Why are you never satisfied?: They must be so many perfectionist south there will have no advanced in their careers in the way they might've given their skills and talents. Many of those will be people who have avoided tasks and situations which they find threatening. Because of the risk of appearing incompetent or looking foolish, they will pull back from anything where there is a risk of failure. And because of that, they denied themselves new experiences and the personal growth that goes with that. The perfectionist is never satisfied. She consistently sensible rules, the standards that are just impossible to meet. That's why they rejected the possibility of success from the beginning. No matter what she achieves, how will she doesn't score, or how high up the career ladder she climbs. She can never take any pleasure in her accomplishments. No matter what he has, how much money he has made or wonderful his policies, how much recognition he receives from his peers. It is never good enough for him. What he actually doing is rejecting success from his life. Because regardless of his objective, success is never feels successful. There is nothing wrong with sitting extremely high standards. But your standards must be attainable. They should be grounded in reality. When you meet your goals, just appreciate your successes, and take time as gratitude for your accomplishments. The fiction is reject reality and to replace it was a fantasy world. A world in which there is no failure and no painful emotions. And in which there are standards for success, no matter how unrealistic can actually be met. In the real world, some failure and sorrow is inevitable. Accept failure as natural, even if you do not enjoy failing. This way, you will experience less performance anxiety and derive more enjoyment from your activities. If you accept painful emotions as an inevitable part of being alive, you will not magnify them by trying to suppress them. Just experience these emotions, learn from them, and move on. If you accept real-world limits and constraints, you can set goals that you can actually attain except and make the best of everything that life has to offer. You need to learn to feel. We need to give yourself permission to be human. You can set ambitious yet realistic goals and then appreciate your success in achieving them. 10. 9 How can you achieve your goal?: perfectionists have their own view of the process off achieving goals. Failure has no role in the journey toward the peak off the mountain. Three ideal path toward their goals is the shortest, most direct path, a straight line. Anything that impedes their progress toward the ultimate goal is used as an unwelcome obstacle holding in their path. Failure is an inevitable part off the journey off, getting from where you are where you want to be. You can view the journey not as a straight line, but something more like an irregular upward spiral where the general direction is toward your objective. You know that they will be humorous deviations along the way. The perfectionist likes to think that his fast to success can be and will be, failure free a straight line. But the reality is different, whether we like it or note that most of us do not like it. Often stumble, make mistakes, reach the dense on need to turn back and start over again. Perfectionist was his expectation off the fullest progression along the pastor. His goals is unreasonable in his expectations off himself and all his life. He's engaged in wishful thinking and is detached from reality. You need to accept that the journey will not always be small. That you will inevitably in common toe obstacles and detours along with away, central and defining characteristic off perfectionism is the feel off failure perfectionists. Primary concern is to avoid falling down, deviating, stumbling, earning. When she understands that this is impossible, she begins to shrink from challenges to run away from activities were jury summary school failure and when she actually feels when she sooner or later comes face to face with our imperfections with her humanity, she's devastated is only intensifies for fear of failing in the future. Failure is an opportunity of receiving feedback, but you are not intensely afraid of failure. You can don't from it. When you feel at something, you can take your time, digest your failure and learn what set you back. Thank you. Try again and try harder. By focusing on growth and improvement by the bounding from setbacks, you accept a more indirect way to your destination. If you don't give up or become paralyzed by the fear of failure, you have a much better chance off actual reaching your goals 11. 10 How do you behave at work? (part 1): a writer who wants her work to be perfect may spend so much time checking it over that she can never complete her assignments on time. Supervisor who insist on perfection, will be unable to delegate and will end up working 18 hour days because she does too many tasks. Yourself, even to do your job with excellence is healthy. Expecting to do it perfectly is unrealistic and sets you up for disappointment, shame, anxiety, depression and anger. We think of paying attention to detail as a positive quality, and many times it is. But often paying attention to detail causes you to lose track off the big picture. - Being a perfectionist, that work doesn't necessarily mean you are doing a really good job thing that on Monday your boss gives you three tasks to do by Friday. If you spend Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday doing Task number one perfectly, you may not have time to do tasks Number two and three on Friday. Then you have to ask for a deadline extension. It depends on the situation off course, but in most cases it was withdraws a have all three jobs done adequately and on time than one job perfectly done and the other two late. It is hard to let go off details, but it worked. It is sometimes the most effective strategy. Perfectionists are most comfortable when they have mastered their Domi. If you know how to do your job very well and you can control your working environments to a high degree, you feel relatively content. This feeling of contentment can inhibit you from thinking or accepting promotions, however, being elevated from a comfortable job that you can do in your sleep to a new position that requires a whole new level of mastery and provoke a lots of anxiety. Accepting a higher level job can cause social apprehension. If you must leave a team of supportive piers behind overs become their boss. If you feel insecure about your abilities, you may worry that the promotion will put floors and imperfections on display in an embarrassing way. You may even feel that people will see through you if you rise to a higher job level. Perfectionistic managers are unlikely to make good leaders since a good leader will create a culture where mistakes are key, where it is not always necessary to be right on where they are prepared to be seen as vulnerable. It is no wonder that perfectionist will struggle with the transition to a leadership. Many people reach their senior positions. But when they move into a leadership role, they often find themselves still getting tied up in the detail, off operational issues, feeling to delegate on being accused off micromanagement. They find it really challenge to recognize that their job now is to inspire others and the chief results through them. The's causes stress, and they try to do everything themselves. Another important aspect off leadership is the vision to create and shape the future of the organization, which involves big picture thinking, taking risks and having the courage to try new ideas. All of this is very difficult if your main driving force is fuel failure. If you are afraid of progressing because of distorted judgments and expectations, you need to look at that understanding what sorts stand behind your behaviors on whether they are distorted in any way makes it easier for you to be the best career related choices . It doesn't mean that you have to force yourself to leave a comfortable job so he can scramble up and anxiety for working career ladder 12. 11 How do you behave at work? (part 2): perfectionists are very detail oriented, and we are often our own worst critics. We check things over and over and never quite feel like our book is good enough. But not every project has to be done perfectly. If you're not sure what needs a plus effort on what can be done just adequately. Think carefully about what your employer wants. If you feel comfortable doing so, work with your boss to set expectations. There is no point wasting time doing something perfectly. If your boss is happy was good enough. What satisfies you as a perfectionist? Me before more than what your employer actually needs. When you are doing a project, ask yourself what arm our employers expectations on this. You don't have to get an A plus on every task. Perfectionism can really get in the way. If you are an employer or manager, unless you have perfectionists working for you, nobody can live up to your standards. First of all, you've got to delegate or you will be working 80 hour weeks. When you give someone a task, it very clear about the minimum standards of acceptance. Be aware that it is fair to expect there, Brooke to be acceptable, but not to assume it will be a superlative When the work is handed in and it's not as good as you want it. Ask yourself, Does it meet the minimum standards of acceptance? If not, what is the best tech to redo it yourself? Or to give it back to the employees with suggestions on how to make it good enough? Although it is tempting to just do it yourself, let me insult your employees better to let them fix it so they can learn and take pride in it when the work needs to be perfect and insist on it being done perfectly. If good enough is good enough, then settle for it, demanding that everyone do everything perfectly all the time will frustrate you and everyone us. Someone says five good things and one bad thing, and what do we do? We filter our do good and focus on the bed, or when we receive a compliment on a task well done with this, qualify it by belittling the quality of the work. If someone makes an offhand common, that upsets you, for example, if your boss said you look tired today, don't presume the worst, make at least off the remarks possible meanings and challenge the outer thought belief that the speaker had the most offensive meaning in mind. The more you can defuse a comment, the better able you will be too legit to go and move on to other, more productive thoughts. Perfectionist are notorious people pleaser such work. We often want everyone at work toe like us, from the top manager to the guy who empties the trash. Unfortunately, people pleasing requires a huge amount of time and energy, and it can trigger anxiety and depression. People pleasing ultimately ends in failure because it is impossible to please everyone. How can people users change their ways? Developing awareness off your own people Pleasing patterns is the best place to start. Identify your own people pleasing habits. Write them down in your journal and spent some time reflecting on how you can change your behavior. Start small by speaking up at a meeting or saying no to a small favor. Express some of your emotions rather than holding them in what you need's first. Sometimes it will feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but over time the discomfort will subside 13. 12 How to say No: Num is one of the hardest words for protectionist to say. Infection is, are people pleaser. You take care of people. We want people to like us and approval of US and appreciate us. We want to be seen as good folks. And we don't like to disappoint people. A commonly held automatic thought among people pleaser is doing something for myself is selfish, seemed nor feel selfish, but it's not. It is an act of self-care and self nutrients. The truces would have a right to say, no, we do not own the world. Our personal value is not determined by how many big sales were out. When your neighbor asks you to take care of her cats for three weeks, you can see no informed ways. Just say no, which is really tough to do. Say no. Because you can't take care of her cats because you are allergic? Say no, but how about No, you can't take care of her cats. But how about you give her the phone number of a neighbour, loves cats and would probably be willing to do it. C, you will get back to her. I'm right in the middle of something and I call you back, that it gives you time to meet the right decision. And if the answer is no, you grout hall to see it. Perfection is snitch for approval can cause real problems at work. Most managers are too quick to criticize and too slow to show appreciation. And of course, this can have a particularly damaging effect on the perfectionist for whom approval is central to what makes them tick. This can lead to exhaustion, to feelings of cynicism, disillusionment, and an overall negative feelings to what their workplace, due to feeling unappreciated. 14. 13 How do you see the world around you?: for the perfectionist. Achieving his goal is the only thing that matters. The process of getting there, the journey is meaningless to him. He used the journey as simply sarees off obstacles that have to be negotiated in order to get to wherever it is that he wants to be. That's why the perfectionists life is a kind of a rat race. She is unable to enjoy the here and now because she's completely engrossed in her obsession with the next promotion in X Prize. On the next milestone, which she believes will make her happy, the perfectionist is aware that it cannot entirely get over with the journey, so he treats it as a bothersome but necessary step in getting to way He wants to be, and he tries to make it as short and as painless as possible. You fast forward so hard work and hard times, but also struck all the small daily pleasures off life since they slow down the progress towards his ultimate goal. He considers everything that is not directly related to his and ago as unwelcome detour along the way. It's kind of being sedated to avoid the pain, often operation, but not for a few hours for most off your life so that you can avoid experiencing the journey, which you perceive as an impediment to your happiness. Perfectionists miss everything that matters because they are only focused on their ultimate goal. It's like sleeping sort alive. You can choose to experience your life rather than fast forward street. As a result, you will be a much happier and better person. Well, here, the journey that takes you to your destination. Off course they will be do chores on the way, some pleasant and desirable, some not. You shouldn't be so obsessively focused on your goal so that the rest of your life seems to matter what is mostly about what you do on your way to your destination, and you probably want to be fully awake as your own life unfolds. The perfectionist universes, ostensibly simple things are right or wrong, good or bad, the best or the worst, a success or a failure. Off course categories do exist. Some things are good or bad. Problem with the perfectionist approach that, as far as he's concerned, thes are the only categories that exist. There are no great areas, no nuances or complexities. The perfectionists total, Sir Force depends on winning a single point. A single game, a single match. I za. She wins the competition or she is a total loser. Everything is about winning or losing success or failure, right or wrong. You want the tournament or you lost it. You succeeded to meet your objectives or you field. There are also countless points between the extremes that may in themselves be necessary and valuable. You can find satisfaction and happiness in a less than perfect performers because of their all or nothing approach. Perfectionists perceive every criticism as potentially catastrophic. A dangerous assault on their sense of suffers criticisms threatens to expose their force. Perfectionists often become extremely antagonistic when criticized. They are unable to assess whether there is any merit in the criticism on whether they can learn from it. Perfectionist is unwilling to admit a shortcoming or mistake because her primary concern is actually to prove that she is right. She wants to go good on day Air Force. It tries to appear flawless by dismissing criticism the picture that the perfectionist has off herself. The only picture she is willing to accept is a flawlessness and she goes to great lengths to convince others that the way she views herself is indeed correct. She will defend her ego and her self perception at all costs and will not alone criticism that would expose for as less than perfect. You can be open to suggestions. Recognize the value off feedback, informer, failure or success. Naturally, most people do not enjoy being criticized or to feel, though you may not like it when your floors are pointed out. Nevertheless, take the timeto openly and honestly assess whether the criticism is valid, and then ask yourself how you can learn and improve from it. 15. 14 How to deal with negative thoughts?: what are some of the old assaults that cause you stress? It can be hard to identify them because they are such an integrated part of the fabric off your mind that you take them as fact other than distortions. Stand by looking, catch a problem and backing up to find its route. Say you are totally stressed out because your sister and her husband are driving tomorrow and staying for the weekend. Go backward. Why is distressing you? Maybe because you have a lot to do before they come and not much time to do it all that word again. What do you have to do before they arrive? Maybe you have to clean the house and shop for groceries. Well, backward again. Why do you have to clean the house and shop for groceries? Maybe because you feel your sister will think less off your If the house is messy and you serve, take out instead of cooking a meal. Go backward again. Why would you feel this way? Maybe because you want to impress your sister. Why do you want to impress your sister? Because you have always felt that your sister thinks she's better than York there is your auto thought buried under layers off cooking and cleaning, you feel inferior to your sister. Now that's the sort that's worse. Challenging A good way to become a way off these problematic sorts is to write them down whenever you feel stressed, unhappy or dissatisfied. Joe down what you are thinking in your notebook. When you go back and look at your nose, you'll probably start to notice patterns that will help you gain away and us off stress and using sorts. Hey, extra close attention to any thought that contains the absolutist words Must should shouldn't always never have to and ought because they often play a part in distorted thinking. Once you are aware off your stressful order sorts, put them to the chest. Is this sort really true? Am I jumping to conclusions? What is the evidence? Um, I exaggerating a negative aspect of the situation. A micro justify thing that is thinking off a small problem as a huge catastrophe. How do I know what will happen? So what if it happens? Is it really as bad as it seems? Is there another way to look at the situation once you have identified on auto thought as being irrational and detrimental, it is time to restructure it. To do this, examine the sort closely take for meat any truce and push aside the distortions, then recreate the sort in a way that causes less stress. For example, who think I can't sleep if there are daughter dishes in the sink, A good way to restructure this sort would be. I prefer having the dishes done before I go to bed. But it's more important for me to sleep than to wash dishes is structuring. That sort removes a lot of stress and expectations off perfection. It gives you the space to do what you want, to wash the dishes if you have time and if it's not interfering with other important tasks . But it also gives you the freedom to put your own needs first. Sometimes when you find yourself thinking an automatic negative thought immediately, visualize a big stop sign. Come to a shaking Clinton Stop, take a deep breath. Ask yourself what's going on here. What is making me so anxious? What Israel and what is fear? Then make a deliberate choice to to frame the sort you can put the brakes on harmful out of sorts when you stop, breathe, reflect and shoes 16. 15 Checklist for Challenging your Thinking : Good afternoon. 17. 16 Why are you so harsh and unforgiving?: no matter how successful the perfectionist is, his shortcomings and imperfections eclipse for his accomplishments because he engaged in boss fault finding and all or nothing thinking. It is to see the glass as torture the Empty because he is under the illusion that straight line journey is possible and that failure can be entirely avoided. He's constantly on the lookout for imperfections and deviations from the ideal passed on and seeking folds. You find them, of course, Listen, stroller athletic or academic performance foresters will be perceived by the perfectionist as a catastrophe and might lead him to avoid all of the challenges. Although you may be disappointed by your failures, can consider them as learning opportunities rather than paralyzing you. Failures may in fact, stimulate extra effort. It can be a sort of person who makes lemonade out of lemons, looks on the bright side of things. Surely not every negative event has a positive aspect. There are many wrongs in the world, and at times a negative reaction to events is very appropriate. A person who can never seen the negative is Justus unrealistic as the person who sees only the negative theme perfections can be extremely hard on herself a Sevilla's a mother's when she makes mistakes when she feels she is unforgiving, she believes that it is actually possible to go through life smoothly without blunders. There's unavoidable they are in her power to avoid, and therefore she regards being cars from herself as a form of taking responsibility to perfectionist. The notion of taking responsibility is extremely unhealthy. Taking responsibility for your mistakes means learning from your failures, except that making mistakes and experiencing failure are unavoidable. You need to be more understanding when it comes to your failures. Be much more forgiving off yourself. Our behavior towards others is often a reflection of our treatment of other cells. Being kind and compassionate toward oneself usually translates to kind and compassionate behaviour toe with others and vice versa. Harshness toe with self open translates to harshness toward others. So the perfectionist overwhelming concern about avoiding failure, disapproval and rejection healthy high achievers, except that they don't always get it right. Instead, they learn from their mistakes and move on. Perfectionism can be a definite obstacle to success well, just due to high levels of anxiety and chronic stress because of the time and energy spent on less important tasks. Perfectionists feel their work is never complete, never quite good enough because they fear disapproval and rejection. More than anything, all activities tend to be equally important, whether it be a simple email or a major project, and this can lead to procrastination and indecision. In fact, perfectionists probably reach their potential less often than they appears. Procrastination significantly increases stress levels. In the end, you have to do the task. But now you are on the real pressure as the deadline fast approach. Just because you put something off, it doesn't vanish. It stays with you in the background like a cloud hanging over you. You carry it around, and this has an insidious negative effect on home you are feeling. 18. 17 Is it hard for you to make a decision?: Everyone struggles to some extent with decision making, but perfectionist can find it. But if you will, the heart, because they want to find solutions. Whenever there is a choice, there is an opportunity for failure. Perfectionists want to do things the right way. I don't want to make a mistake because of black and white thinking. It can be paralyzing to have to choose between two options. You want to pick the best. But when the reasonable, clear best, we are stuck anxiously trying to make a decision that you won't regret small decisions can sometimes cause more anxiety than big ones. Because there are so many of them. Perfectionists tend to think there is one right way or one best way to do something. And they feel enormous pressure to choose the right or best option, a perfectionist natural insecurity and produces this self doubt and second guessing that makes decision making even harder. - Having too many choices can contribute to bad decision making, anxiety, stress dissatisfaction and even clinical depression. Some choices good, but that doesn't necessarily mean that more is better as freedom of choice expense who are feeling list endless, satisfied? Consider a trip to a supermarket. So many different varieties and brands off cookies, chocolate juices Does the store offer? You could spend the better part off a day just to select the books off crackers worry about price flavour, freshness, fat, sodium and calories. But who has the time to do this? Not only must we make choices about thousands of products, but we must pick which form company to use what health insurance to buy and how to invest our money. The Internet makes decision making given harder because it gives perfectionists unlimited research potential. No matter how much you read about something on the Internet is always more information available. It is hard for a perfectionist to stop researching without feeling that he is living an important part of the decision making process. Unfinished perfectionists take longer to make decisions, spend more time thinking about hypothetical alternatives Hill was positive about their decisions on are more likely to regret their choices. They may be decisions you made in the past that you now regret, but in almost all circumstances they were the best decisions you could have made based on your knowledge, maturity, resources, support on other factors in place at that time. The problem was regret is that we revisit all decisions and look at them with new eyes. We have to forgive and emphasize with our younger Selves, judging your past. Does you no good regret gets you nowhere. Instead, try to remember past decisions was empathy and compassion one of the most common distortions that in big decision making is black and white thinking. This kind of thinking tells you that one option is right and the others are wrong. Sometimes that's the case, but more often who are called upon to pick from among several equally valid choices. That's why decision making is so hot. 19. 18 How to make a right choice?: perfectionists can spend health. And, ah, when deciding which means to wear, you get stuck in a cycle of indecision and anxiety. More anxious you are, the harder it is to make a decision, and the longer takes you to make a decision. The more anxious you get. You don't seem clearly when you are anxious because anxiety puts you into fight or flight mode. Your entire body is responding to a perceived threat by preparing you to fight or run away . Problem is, your body is prepared for battle when what you really need is to decide which shoes to buy or how to have your hair cut or whom to marry or what job to take. To make a good decision. It really helps to be in a calm place. As you calm down and gain control, you won't be able to think more clearly. Relaxation. Construct the what ifs racing through your mind and alot you the piece you need to make a smart decision. If you can't decide between decision a decision be, try to visualize making decision, see how it feels. See what your gut tells you if it feels good, it's probably the right decision. If it doesn't, then you're also is probably decision be. If neither feels particularly good, then think about which one feels worse. Which would you regret more? You can also try to imagine that Decision eight has been taken away from you. How do you feel being left? His decision beat relief to distressed. Those feelings can help shape your decision. If neither decision a or decision be feels right, maybe there are options you haven't considered. Do a relaxation exercise to calm your mind on. Then think about whether you have overlooked decision see and decision D. Ultimately, decision making comes down to going with your gut. When this happens, try to calm your mind. Sleep on it. Relax, take a hot shower. Try to shut out all external distractions so you can listen to what your inner wisdom is telling you. 20. 19 Why are you so rigid and inflexible?: the language. Perfectionist INTs Dues is categorical, even moralistic. What have two must showed feelings are irrelevant to his decision making process. Used them as harmful because they may change. Surprise is dangerous. You should know the future changes the enemy. Spontaneity and improvisation are too risky. Playfulness is unacceptable. The perfectionist has this obsessive need for control. She tries to control every aspect of her life because she fears that shiver to relinquish some control. A world would fall apart if she needs to get something done at work or elsewhere. She prefers to do it herself. She does not trust other people unless she is certain that people follow her instructions to the letter. Imagine a person who committed to his goal of becoming a partner in a consulting firm spent 70 hours a week in the office. He's unhappy patchwork. He knows that the job at which he felt most fulfilled was when he worked at a restaurant during his summers in college. But he refuses to change his planned course affection, perhaps even refuses to admit to himself that he is miserable and continues along the same path toward partnership. Regardless of the cost. He refuses to give up on his goal, refuses to feel that becoming a partner. You don't need to be changed to these commitments. You might decide, for example, to continue investing time and effort in your goal of becoming a partner at the firm, but at the same time, relax your schedule slightly or take some time off in order to explore whether opening a restaurant might be the right thing for your after. Do not charge your direction according to a region map, but has a based on a more fluid compass. You can be dynamic and adaptable, open to different alternatives. Able to cope was unpredictable twists and turns accepting that different path mainly to your destination. You're flexible knots. Finalists open to possibilities. - Perfectionism has a devastating impact on self esteem. Think off a child growing up in a home where, regardless of what he does, is constantly criticized and put down. Imagine an employee whose shortcomings are constantly highlighted by her boss. It is unlikely that such a child or an employee enjoys healthy self esteem because the life of her perfectionist is an endless retrace. His enjoyment off success is short lived. He is far more likely to do well on his failures than on his successes, because when his succeeds in achieving ago immediately starts warning about the next goal on what would happen if he fails to reach it all or nothing mindset, it's perfectionists to just from every setback into a catastrophe on assault on their VA reverse. As human beings, the sense of self inevitably suffers as their fault. Finding turns involved. Their self esteem takes a constant beating as a result of failure. It is unsinkable for them to expose in a weakness or imperfection. Perfectionists constantly engage in self enhancement on to the outside world. They try to communicate the full this facade. They pretend to be a self confident and showcase self respect. They do not actually feel. Most perfectionists are so constant to blaming themselves for things that it is a natural reaction when just about anything goes wrong. If a perfectionist can blame herself, the world feels safer. Fajar perfectionists hate being out of control. They hate knowing that feet can toss curveballs that they have absolutely no control over. For perfectionists to get sick after drink, Everything right really makes their courthouses stumble down. It is a breach of trust, they begin to question everything in the owls. They blame themselves. Self blame is destructive. It is roads feelings off. So first it may prevent you from making responsible decisions. And finally, self blame will dampen your spirit and along with your chance of being happy and coping well with your disease and treatment. Even if your lifestyle choices have contributed to your disease, you can't waste energy beating yourself up about it. You need that energy to fight your disease. Forget about the past and ask yourself what you can do to take control in the present. 21. 20 How to overcome the fear of failure: Let's say you are going to a party. What sorts are circling in your head? I have to be perfect to please everyone. I don't know anyone there. I can't even imagine what to wear. People will assist me. They've almost like me. Or do you think life is an adventure? Usually people are friendly and happy to meet others. Few, especially if you're a failure, makes the perfectionist one perfection. And since they measure their significance with certain often unattainable goals, they constantly feel that they don't meet the standards. When you are afraid, you focus on what you don't want. Your task is to do everything possible to reduce the risk of undesirable outcome. Instead of concentrating on the desired result, you worry about what may happen on behave in a way to reduce or prevent negative consequences. When you are filled with passion, you are motivated by what you want to experience, nor my desire to avoid something who feel passion when we act in accordance with our values . When would you like one Always strength? When were you mean ourselves? And take one tusks which empower us your true self? Is that part off your personality which is capable of experiencing joy and pleasure, finds meaning in what you are doing and gratefully accept what life has to offer. If you feel frequently, which means that you try frequently that you put yourself on the line and challenge yourself. It is only from the experience of challenging ourselves that we learn and grow on more often, develop and mature much more from our failures than from our successes. When we put ourselves on the line, when we fall down and get up again will become stronger and more resilient. Dealing with challenges and risking failure increases our self confidence. It will avoid hardships and challenges because we may feel the message you are sending ourselves, but that what unable to deal was difficulty and always self esteem suffers. As a result, you would do challenge ourselves. The message we internalize is that why resilient enough to handle potential failure, taking on challenges instead of avoiding them has agreed a long term effect on our self esteem and winning or losing always self confidence and our belief in our ability to deal with setbacks? We be reinforced when we feel because we realized that the beast who had always feared, which is? Failure is not as terrifying as we thought. It waas Malia turns out to be far less threatening when it is exposed and confronted directly over the years by avoiding failure. Perfectionist invested with much more power than it deserves. The pain associated with the fuel failure is usually more intense than the pain following an actual failure. Ironically, if your greatest fear is realized, you may feel like he were set free. Failure can give you run in the security that you have never attained by passing examinations. The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself on the strength off your relationships. Until both have been tested by adversity, we can only learn to deal with Billy of I actually experiencing Failure are leaving story it earlier with face difficulties and drawbacks, the better prepared war to deal with the inevitable obstacles in our life. If nothing in your prior experience prepares you to deal with the psychological impact of failure, you will be unable to deal with anything short of total success and feel the on my to devastate you Perfectionist may commit suicide because she is not good enough because she could see attend exam because you just feel that something she considered important Failure at any point in life is not pleasant or easy. It even can be devastating. However, not trying is a lot more damaging to our long term success. 22. 21 Body image, weight loss and exercise (part 1): I believe in a world that is obsessed with physical perfection. Magazine covers worries, television shows and catalogues show nonstop images off Gorgeous Woman and men. Message they send is that physical perfection should be everyone's goal. And if he are not perfect, you should do everything possible to fix your flaws. If you don't look like a Victoria secret model, then get to work. Starve yourself recalled until you collapse. Dye your hair, paint your nails, tan your skin. Dress yourself inexpensive new clothes white in your tea's Apply makeup. If that doesn't work, have your face lifted your boobs and lodged You'll live spilled your wrinkles forex and you're so fat vacuumed away. Theme media sets ideals off beauty that only a tiny percentage. Your woman Kennedy. The rest of us, particularly the perfectionists among us, are left feeling anxious and inadequate because of farmer appearance. It is impossible, especially if you are a perfectionist not to be affected by all the pressure our society places on Sinise, attractiveness and physical beauty, while programs to look for blemishes on dual on what strong rather than what's right fact is, only one in search of 1000 would have the body type to be immortal. And yet some hold the other twin to 9999. Plus feel like you are failing because of a don't perfectionist. Have loads of body related automatic thought grouping through their minds. For we tell ourselves these things because off the disappointment and shame will feel as a result off not achieving the goal of physical perfection, telling yourself you're a pig operating call for books off cookies won't help you eat less next time, but it does erode your self esteem and deprive you off Happiness. Black and white thinking is the most common cognitive distortion. It leads a perfectionist to think that if she can do something perfectly, she shouldn't do it at all. For example, you know you are overweight, and you know that losing a few pounds would improve your health. But you tell yourself that if you can't become a size six, why boys are even trying. You are watching what you eat, but at lunchtime you eat a delicious doughnut. Instead of being careful for the rest of the day, they want to help. Effect takes over and you eat junk all day way have already ruined things with the doughnut , so what the hell. Go ahead and have 1/2 dozen cookies, three handfuls of chips, plateful of cheese and crackers and the big scoop of ice cream. You can start over tomorrow. Another common example of black and white thinking is telling yourself that if you have only a few minutes to exercise, there is no point in bothering because a little bit off exercise has no value. In fact, short worlds off exercise can do as much as or perhaps even more than long. Workout sessions during a 20 minute walk is better than not doing a 45 minute workout session way. Go for a 20 minute walk and minimize its importance because it's not as good as an hour of spinning baby step Approach is the complete opposite. Off what perfectionists? I usedto re perfectionist. Stones like baby steps Well, like big giant steps will like to leap. When was set out to lose weight, we pick a dramatic wait for school, an unrealistic exercise plan on the diet off a month. I was startled, full of excitement and purpose, and stick to our goals like glue for straight days. Then something happens. Like committing runs long and we'll have to skip your workout because we miss a workout. We dispense with our spots and died on global up a double cheeseburger at lunch. Then we give up on the whole thing because we weren't able to drink all perfectly. It is hard for perfectionists, but taking baby steps is an incredibly effective way to achieve wage wars or any other goal . Taking baby steps with exercise these you naturally to wage laws and healthier eating. Not on day one, but eventually a supposed to thinking you have to close £100. Think about taking a five minute walk once a day next week. Increase your walk to 10 minutes and so on. People who take baby steps can eventually around marathons. They can lose dozens off bones, but it takes time and patience to skills that tend to be in short supply among perfectionists. 10 minutes here and there doesn't sound much, but it adds up. Even occasional workouts help. It would be great if you could always eat well, but it's also impossible if you feel angry at yourself for less than 100% compliance Joe Healthy diet. It's time to change the way you think on follow the 80 20 eating fan was this plan. If you eat nutritious Lee for 80% off your diet, you can be less careful about the other 20%. The key to the 80 20 plan is that it is based on the realistic expectation that also, you can't eat nutritious Lee all the time. You can tweet most of the time. 23. 22 Body image, weight loss and exercise (part 2): in terms off their body image. A perfectionist see themselves as fat or skinny. There is no healthy middle ground, and the media feeds thes perfectionist attitudes. The perfect way to look is shoved in our faces. On magazine covers and billboards, the perfectionist overlooks the fact that most people do not look like supermodels on that . Even supermodels do not look like supermodels. Due to editing software, which brushes away any imperfections being flesh and blood rather than perfected digital images, the perfectionists always find some fault in their appearance. They are all or nothing mindset, negative eyes, every blemish, every deviation from their idealized image. They become obsessed with the extra £2. They may have gained more with the wrinkled they think Mars their complexion. Perfectionists take extreme measures. To eliminate these perceived imperfections was a through repeated plastic surgery in ways of beauty treatments or starvation. They're all or nothing world. They are either on a perfect regime, off dieting or off the diet completely. The irony is that even in the midst off eating the gallon off ice cream perfectionists drive little, if any enjoyment from it. The knowledge that they have field prevents them from enjoying what they are eating. You don't have to be oblivious to the way you look or toe what you eat. However, the standards you hold yourself to are meant to be human rather than superhuman. You need to understand the difference between real person and the picture that has been worked on inch by inch on photo shop and, if you are concerned, was following a healthy diet or with your weight. Do not be range yourself. If you succumb to temptation once in a while, slipping up from time to time should not drive you from one extreme to another. Recognize and accept your own humanity. Your full ability. Be compassionate toward yourself. If all you see when you look in a mirror is floors practicing, active gratitude can help. When you look at yourself, try to focus on what's good search for what strong, beautiful, healthy or unique right at least off these positives in your journal so you can reflect on them When you are feeling particularly critical off your body, choose at least five things about the image that are positive. Tell your image what you see. Addressing him as a second person speak to the reflection with the same love and compassion that you would use when addressing a beloved friend or relative. When you speak to yourself as you speak to others, the words will be far less harsh. Do what you can to take media images out off your line off site. For example, cancel your subscriptions to magazines that fixate on beauty and perfection. Avoid television shows in which woman formed perfect bodies. You can't cut it all out, but you can reduce your exposure. What was C in photos is not what this woman really look like. Even the woman who most of us would consider perfect once the makeup artists and stylists are done with them are Photoshopped in deep ultra perfection. Why is it that if a friend makes a mistake, we can forgive her? But when we make mistakes, we beat ourselves up. That's what perfectionists tend to dough. We can't accept the fact that, while not perfect, we believe that if you mess up once, everything will fall apart and go to help when you eat something you hadn't planned to eat or miss a workout. Pay attention to the automatic thoughts that flashed through your mind. Say you eat too much ice cream. Automatic salts immediately started berating you for lacking self discipline on losing control. When you recognize these thoughts, immediately visualize a big stop sign. Take a deep breath and ask yourself why you are seeing these things to yourself, then deliberately and gently reframed the sort. Remember the four steps off sort stopping process. Stop, breathe, reflect and choose, for example, when in on perfectionist on a diet it's an unplanned brownie. She forgives herself and simply decides to skip dessert tomorrow to make up for it. When you struggle to forgive yourself, try to imagine what you would do if your best friend called you and told you that she had made a mistake that you made. Would you greet her and call her names until her? She's week off course not. You would support her and Orchard to forgive herself until it'd ago. Try to look at it the same way when you mess up and be as gentle as yourself as you would be. The friend 24. 23 How do the perfectionist women behave at home?: perfectionist woman. The home can be a source of stress rather than a place to relax every speck of dust. Every dirty glass. Every unmade bed is a blatant, unavoidable imperfection. You create serenity and calmness, but the stress caused by dog hair on the carpet, finger prints on the walls, baked on crowd in the oven and leaves in the yard can turn your home into a giant anxiety. You long for peace and order, but you can't relax until the dishwasher is unloaded and the trash is taken out. No matter how hard you work. The to do list never ends. The more you change, the unattainable goal of affection at home the most dressed to become your home is a reflection off you and, if it doesn't look good, reflects poorly on you rather than your husband or kids. So if the paint is chipping and the furniture is dusty, can't help feeling that it makes you look pretty bad. If my house is a mess, the perfectionist tells herself, then I must be must. And if there is anything we perfectionist don't like, it's messes more. A woman is feeling out of control elsewhere in her life, the more control she tries to exhort at home. Perhaps she can't control her work. Husband, Kids health. But she can darn well make sure there is no cat here on the draperies. When a woman crosses the threshold between keeping the house relatively clean to obsessively clean, she needs to look at what else is going on in her life to see if there is a deeper problem that is causing her to feel so consumed by house cleaning. - I'm not telling you to let your house go toe help, but I'm suggesting that you make courses choices rather than just doing housework by rote. It's fine to organize cabinets, but if you have had a long day and you need a hot bath with the cabinets weight perfectionists tend to think visitors notice every speck of dust and quarters table. The truce is people don't notice on it. If they do notice, they don't care, is it or see much less than we think they do. Notice the pieces off, burn spaghetti on your stuff. We probably won't judge you for it. And if they do, then shame on them for being so route. What kind of friend thinks less off your and comments on it. If there are cockpits on your ceilings, you don't need friends like that. All right, - if you are going to do the housework up between you and your husband, you have to learn to step back and let him do the job his way. I know it's hard, literally may have to hold your hand over your mouth to stop yourself from redirecting your husband as he phones the child was crookedly. If you want him to hope, you've got to find a way to let him do it his way. Remind yourself that it's okay for the towels to be a little wrinkled. If you criticize nonstop, you will get annoyed and frustrated, and you will end up doing everything yourself. Keep in mind that your way is not necessarily the best way or the only way to do something . Woman make dinners so that everything's done at the same time. Then make the chicken, and when it's done, they start the rice. But either way, the kids get fed. Baby who wear stripes and plates won't get sick. There are very few things that have only one right way 25. 24 Will perfectionism make you successful?: many perfectionists understand that the perfectionism harvest them, but they are reluctant to change because they believe that bile perfectionism me, not make you happy. It does make you successful, not wanting to be a slacker, they choose the other extreme. They believe in the horse of it off no pain Margie to remain employable, which alone competitive, who must constantly learn and grow, and to learn and grow who must feel. It is no coincidence that the most successful people throughout history are also the ones who have failed the most. Failure is essential in achieving success, though it is off course, not sufficient for a shipping it. In other words, while failure does not get into success, the absence of failure will almost always guarantee the absence of success. Failure is inextricably linked with achievement. Who's who feel are the ones who learn so and ultimately doing well? Perfectionists are usually very disappointed when their efforts fall short off their high expectations. When you do feel as a holdover from time to time, do not testifies your failures, striving for success and accepting failure is a natural part of life. Perfectionists obsession with the destination on her inability to enjoy the journey. Eventually steps or desire and motivation, so that she is less likely to put in the hard work necessary for success, no matter how much weight did she, maybe at the beginning strain of sustaining an effort for long periods of time eventually becomes intolerable if the entire process the journey is unhappy, focusing only on the destination harms the perfectionist. It leads to procrastination and paralysis is a perfectionist, puts off certain work temporarily or permanently both, because work for him is painful. And because inaction provides an excuse for failure, it seems to himself, If I don't try, I won't feel by trying to preclude the possibility of failure. However the profession ist is was also precluding the possibility off success. There comes a point when it, despite the perfectionist motivation to succeed part of her will begin toe want to give up just in order to award for the pain, no matter how intensely she may want the promotion from middle to senior management. Perfectionist may find that because the journey is so long and it always lasts much, much longer than the brief moment when the destinations reached, she could not bear to sustain it, you need to enjoy the journey while remaining focused on your destination. While you may not necessarily experiences smooth, either ride to success, you struggle, you fall, you have your doubts and you experience pain. At times, your overall journey is far more pleasant. If you give up perfectionist views, you can be motivated by the pull off the destination. A zealous by the pool of the journey can feel both a sense off. Daily joy, lasting fulfillment. 26. Why are the perfectionists unhappy?: was spent most of our life engaged in the journey because the actual moments when we reached other destinations and achieve armor goes are fleeting. If most of what we drive from the journey is unhappiness and pain in our life as a whole is unhappy and painful. Perfectionists have a tendency to also esteem because they're fold, Finding is directed involved. Perfectionist will manage to find something wrong, magnify it out of all proportion and thus ruin any possibility off enjoying what she has or what she does. The potential for happiness is inside us and all around us, so is the potential for unhappiness. We're all experienced certain times, of course, but we should take each difficult experience in strike. Take this too, shall pass, approached problems and focus on the experience of the journey. Life is not without its ups and downs. All have moments off deep sadness and frustration. But our life need not be marked by the constant expectation of failure or the impact of actual failure. Perfectionist does not distinguish minor failures from major ones as a result of obsessively worrying about these catastrophes that are just around the corner. The perfectionist experiences ongoing anxiety and sometimes panic. If he are more flexible and open to deviations, you are better able to cope with the ever changing environment, while at times with struggle was changed. Condell, with their unpredictable and the uncertain look at the change not as a straight but a challenge unknown, did not be frightening but fascinating. The must first accept reality and welcomes it rather than rejected, can grow and lead feature for the lives by accepting the laws of human nature. And, like it or not, painful emotions are part of that nature. Rather than trying to read ourselves off, our anxiety should try to induce further anxiety. We should encourage ourselves to feel more anxious, more nervous as a result, because we're although the anxiety to flow freely through us, it weakens instead of fighting it. Whole force more of it. Exalt yourself to be more anxious, more nervous and as a way of dealing with anxiety is to imagine the worst case scenario. It is essential that you imagine the worst event happening and concentrate on it as hard as he can. Do not avoid this sort or image, since avoiding it will defeat the whole purpose of dealing with anxiety. This way you will fully experience the emotion and the discomfort that comes with the Imagine scenario. Only then proceed to next level and trying to calm down and deal with the irrationality off your sorts while you're inside initially intensifies as a result of or exposure. Anxiety level soon drop below, but they were originally more. You look at anger, the more it disappears. When one genuinely looks at it, it suddenly loses its strength. The same applies to envy, sadness, anxiety, Hate on us. A painful emotions, intentionally mindfully. Focusing on the physical manifestations off depression helps in overcoming depression and introducing the likelihood of relaxing off the recovery, trying to get rid of depression in the usual problem solving way. Trying to fix what's wrong with us just digs us in deeper. The solution to men. If I was psychological afflictions, not all why is not in the fixing and doing, but in the accepting and being accepting our emotions means looking at them in a benign way , welcoming them as part of our nation a something interesting and mercy. It is important to distinguish between accepting painful emotions and ruminating on them. acceptance involves gently being with the motion rumination involves obsessively thinking about the emotion rather than having sorts playing in an endless folk novel heads. Who would be better off expressing our sorts verbally or in writing? Keeping a personal journal, which we express our thoughts and feelings can yield significant benefits. Those who spend 15 20 minutes off their day writing about difficult experiences are ultimately happier and physically healthier. Expressing our sorts and sharing our feelings in conversation with someone we trust can be as helpful as expressing them in writing. We should, when possible, provided a channel for the expression of our emotions. We can talk to a friend about our anger and anxiety right in our journal about our fear or jealousy. Joined a support group of people who are struggling with issues similar to almost 27. How to overcome jealousy?: Sota feelings are inescapable. No person is free from the experience of jealousy or fear or anger or anxiety. The real question is not whether we experience these feelings, although, but what we decide to do about them. Our first choice is with the to reject or accept our emotional reaction without your suppress or acknowledge that which is but our second choices with the two actual normal initial impulse, for instance, to stop collaborating with people when a jealous off, Or is it to go beyond it? Create as many alliances was talented people as we possibly can. Second choice is made significantly easier if you choose to accept our feelings. Negative emotions intensify and are more likely to control us. You would try to suppress them when you are feeling envious off someone else. Think about this. Her life probably isn't as great as it looks. The people who appeared to have the most going for them often have major problems, but you don't see them because they are working so hard to appear perfect. It's their way off grasping for control for refused to accept that we can be jealous off friend, while likely to behave badly toward him and then rationalize I will be here. It We do not accept that you are afraid to ask someone out one right which avoid that person and then convince ourselves that we didn't really like her. In a way, If you deny that your feelings toward your friends are driven by jealousy, you may work for an alternative explanation for your discomfort around him. Well, creatures off feeling and reason and once we feel a certain way, will have the need to find a reason for our feeling. Rather than dealing with the real reason for your emotional reaction as an admitting to feelings, which you do not approve, it will probably justify your discomfort around him by finding fault with him to avoid thinking you off ourselves will open condemned the people who have wrong pollute our environment was alba on in college salts and feelings. If you deny your jealousy towards somebody, you are more likely to blame him on others for being jealous. By suppressing Uriel feelings, you may harm yourself, your friend and your relationship. When we not like the weather, which whether in itself is neither good nor bad, it's simply east. Similarly, we made not black feeling fear, but the feeling itself is neither good nor bad. It took simply please. Feeling jealousy towards your friend does not make you a bad friend. If, however you jeopardize your friends success because of your jealousy, then you are a bad friend. It is okay to feel anxious when you meet. A person who would very much like to go out with it is not OK running away from something you very much want because if you are being turned down, acceptance is about recognizing things as they are and then choosing the course, a faction within appropriate and worse off ourselves At every moment in our life, we have a choice to be afraid and yet to act courageously, to feel jealous and yet to act benevolently. Researchers who started happiness have found that we all have a baseline for happiness. Having something very good happened. We leave to you above your baseline for a while, but you will eventually return to your previous happiness level. The same is true. If you suffer a trauma, you will struggle for a while, but you will probably return to your pre Troma happiness level. People are amazingly resilient that way. That doesn't mean you are stuck with your card and happiness level. You can raise it if you think negatives about yourself. You are drinking down your ability to feel happy if you can teach yourself to focus on the positive rather than the negative. If you can learn to curb your perfectionist tendencies and build this critical of herself, you can feel happier on an everyday basis. 28. What are your expectations of life?: Do you have a shattered dream related to your career? Sporting achievements or a relationship? Something you wanted more than any sink? Did you feel depressed or slack when something you wished for did not realize inflexible expectations? Like your idea about how a company should treat its employees and make you unhappy and deeply disappointed? There is nothing wrong with wanting the best. The problem is with the perfectionists were reaction toe unachieved goals and unmet expectations. They like conditional constructions. If I may X, I'll get white. Therefore, many perfectionists loved predictability at school. If I learned my lessons, then I will pass. The exam was excellence, and usually the predictions associated with studies and grades came true. - They also have these kinds of attitudes in other areas. Like if I work out five days a week, I will lose weight. If I achieved this goal, I will be happy if I keep going on dates. I don't find my soul mate. If I work out, I will be promoted rationally. We understand that life cannot always go the way we want, and it is frustrating. But for profession ists, any durations from the expected result can be unbearable. Parents want to see their Children successful, and there is nothing wrong with that. But if they put too much pressure on the child because off it the consequences may be unpleasant. Distress caused by parental perfectionism requires great sacrifices from Children. It has tremendous negative impact on emotional and physical well being off kids, one of our little Children. To make mistakes, they learn to cope with unexpected results and solve problems that to achieve their goals. Three important thing is to take care of Children's physical health and let them make mistakes. It will help them develop perseverance, determination, resilience and self confidence. The dim play fantasize be passionately involved in their activities and studies. They need to understand that even when expectations are not met, they can get results. A mistake does not mean that you need to quit. Everything you can learn from mistakes and failure does not mean that you are a loser. 29. What do you expect from other people?: we will have some rules about how, in our opinion, life should be, for example, ideas about home loving. Suppose a caring friend or successful person must behave thes rules affect our perception of ourselves and others our feelings, reactions and outlook Now ahead. Who perceived these expectations? Notice rules. But as facts these believes are so strong that sometimes we forget that they are our interpretations, nor the truth for us, they are inflexible and unshakable were often do not even realize that they exist at least until the rules is violated. For example, Jane has a rule or a conviction that men who spent time because their friends do not want to spend it with their wives. In her opinion, a loving husband should always want to be around without any exceptions, even if he likes watching for the ball with his friends. When she realized that she had this conviction, she decided to question its validity and usefulness and admitted her role to be inadequate . Of course, if her husband always avoided spending time with her, it would mean his disinterest. But the desire to be with friends is quite natural. When we think that someone must do something. We feel angry and indignant towards this person. For example, you think that your husband should walk your dog since you have been working with the whole day. But if your spouse doesn't jump at the opportunity, he will be upset. If you stop using the words like must or have toe, you will notice your emotional and physical well being. Relationships and even work improved. How do you think a true friend, a loving spouse or good people should behave? What believes do you have about behaviours off sales representatives? Politicians, strangers? Our rules are rooted in our subconscious so deeply that they seem like facts to us, not subjective attitudes, which they really are. If you ask someone about his rules and policies, you'll probably have no idea what you're talking about. The real problem is the way we react to the violation of Hama beliefs as of David Rio, as if everyone knows about them and accepts them 30. How to stop judging people?: perfectionists have even morals for themselves. I should be more successful. I should be in better shape. I should help my neighbors. I should have known this. I should sleep more. I should always look presentable. I should be able to do more in the day. I have to cook for family. I must keep my house clean. I should be happier. My mom should help me and support me. Emily's must get together more when their rules are broken. Perfectionists react very violently. They are prone to bouts of depression, outbursts of anger and mental breakdowns. The eyes openly express fury or suppress it. Three. Isolate themselves. They stopped trying and give up. They swear it will never happen to them again. They eat too much or engage in some on health activity. Why do expectations cause so many emotions? First, expectations help us get a picture of what might happen in future and thus give us a sense of control in an unpredictable world. If you believe that by making eggs it will achieve why and that's exactly what happens, it is very satisfying. Do you feel comfortable and safe? Norman. What will happen for perfectionists? Unpredictability is like losing control and losing control. This scary. You understand that you have absolutely no control over what is happening, and you can't do anything to improve the situation. Thes increases stress, depressed Mort and the desire to give up. That is why we lose our temper when somebody is running late. In addition to that, failed expectations provokes strong feelings in perfectionists because they tend to take everything personally. Expectations helped them to determine their self worse. The perfectionist things that the company's refusal to employ her has nothing to do with job requirements or company policy. The only reason is that she is not good enough. Or if her husband wishes to spend time with his friends, it means that he doesn't love her. If you dig deeper, you will see that these statements are rules that describe your attitude toward yourself. When you judge someone you define yourself, not that person. Perfectionists tend to be very judgmental and disapproving. The easily judge everybody who does not meet their standards, including themselves. In fact, self criticism is the reason why these really judge others. If you constantly criticize yourself, you will definitely criticize others. Criticism is simply your form of thinking. So take a minute to think about your rules musts and have twos regarding yourself and people around you think about how your life would change If you stop judging yourself and others so harshly, some people can't even imagine it. This thing that judgments help them to distinguish right from wrong. If they don't judge, they won't know how to act. However, there is a difference between analyzing and judging. Analysis means the ability to see things clearly highlight in common and distinctly features in different situations. Judgment, however, goes further, assessing the event as good or bad. In order to give up judging, you need to get rid of the words like must try replacing. It was I would like to, or it would be good, great ideal if and see what happens. Replacing the world have to was a more neutral world, immediately removed the sense of condemnation. It is important to understand that you are not able to always control what is happening. The prospect of losing your job can be depressing, can meet you, feel helpless, stop and ask yourself What can you do to feel better in that situation? 31. What happens if you lose your job?: the perfectionist has this idea that work that is not done perfectly is not worse. Doing it all to do something perfectly assuming perfection is even possible often requires extraordinary effort. So the perfectionism comes at a high price. Not all jobs are equally important, and not all require equal attention. For instance, making sure that everything is correct before launching a spacecraft is clearly critical, and nothing short of perfect work should be tolerated. However, it may be less appropriate for you to fast for a long while over the colors of a chart on an internal memo. Part of what mothers perfectionists most about potential layoffs is the lack of control. It is disturbing to know that at any time, despite your performance, you could be laid off because of events that are outside the control, such as your company's merger with another company. When this anxiety flares up, think of it this way. Although you don't always have the power to control life events, you do have the power to control how to react to them. You can't control whether you are laid off, but you can control your response to a layoff. You can decide right now, don't wait for a layoff. Secure that if you lose your job, you will make the best of the situation. Consider it an opportunity for positive change and refused to let it ruin your life. Make up your mind that although a layoff might cause financial and career related difficulties, we firmly believe that you will find ways to bring some benefits from it, even if you have no idea right now, what benefits might be. If you focus on what you can control your reaction, you can reduce the anxiety produced by events like this. Whenever you lose control over the situation, remind yourself that you always have a choice on there is always a way out, take a break and breathes deeply. Although we can't always control what happens, really realize that we can always choose how to react to the situation. Most of our time is spent either thinking about the future or the past on who forget to enjoy the moments that make up the journey Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow has yet to arrive. This moment is the only one that Israel so resolved to take time to appreciate more simple things in life enjoy the changing seasons. The similar hot coffee snuggling down in a warm bed. Take pleasure from those things that appeal to the senses. Tune into the wanders around. 32. Why are you not pleased with yourself?: life is fraught with struggles, difficulties and disappointments. Are you able to find pleasure in the journey without using the focus on your destination? Can you learn and grow from a diversity? Can you save and take pleasure in adventures while keeping an eye on your eventual goal? Do you take your successful grounded? Do you dismiss your accomplishment as insignificant? While other people see them as an astounding success, perfectionists mostly see themselves as a failure. The reject success banish it from their life, either before it is attained by setting excessively high standards or after it is attained by failing to appreciate it, desire to improve its part of human nature. And it serves us well as it is responsible for personal on societal progress. Taken to the extreme, however, it can harm more than it helps. Sometimes, where true obsessed was improving everything around us, beginning visible house on ending with ourselves. We got lots of talent books, and good fortune will feel inadequate and in need of some extra genius. Our constant dissatisfaction condemns us to constant displeasure, or as long as we are human, there is always room for improvement and even a perfect result on the satisfies us to orally until the next competition. Whenever the perfectionist performs well, the sense of satisfaction is fleeting. And she immediately said so sites from the next school, the next achievement. Nothing is ever enough. You are ambitious if you constantly under relentlessly increase our expectations of ourselves who are doomed to low self esteem and negative feelings. For example, if you aspire to be an Olympic gold and actually take home the super yourself a stable drop . But if all you aspire to is participating in the Olympics and you end up winning a silver medal, your self esteem will rise for happiness and success. We need to engage in activities that are neither too easy, not so difficult. You far more challenged enough become Ward. If our aspirations are over, ambitious will become anxious while stretching ourselves. Pushing ourselves to greater heights can be a good thing. There is a point beyond which it becomes a bad thing way. Need to accept that our limits, our deal find that balance between high hopes on harsh reality. Three. Perfectionist has expectations of himself and sets himself targets that cannot be Mitch. You need to set high goals that are difficult but attainable 33. 38 Are you a negative or a positive person?: usually perfectionists have work life imbalance. They try to achieve perfection in every area of life, which inevitably leads to compromise and frustration, even the real constraints off time, which is really impossible to do it all and to have it all. The religions of perfectionists who, despite being wealthy, healthy, famous and gorgeous, are unhappy wealth, prestige and also measures of success have very little to do with our levels off. Well, being happiness is merely in our state of mind rather than in our status or the state of our bank account. Once our basic needs are met, needs such as food, shelter and education off a level of well being is determined by what we choose to focus on and by our interpretation of external events. Review. Feel your s catastrophic or do recede as a learning opportunity. Do we see the glasses healthful or health empty? Do we appreciate and enjoy what we have? Or do we take it for granted and dismiss it? For example, if you are giving a speech and one person in the audience is asleep, focusing your attention exclusively on the sleeping person to the exclusion off all the other people in the room is tunnel vision. Conversely, if 19 off them are asleep and only one is listening to what you have to see, concluding that your lecture was a success because one student was intellectually engaged. It is also a former paternal vision. Perfectionists engage in a negative Donald region. They dismissed the good in their lives while giving center stage to the bed perfections . Negative tunnel vision leads her to dismiss her accomplishments, to take them for granted on then to resume the drudgery of hard work. Try to appreciate life as a whole yourself, your successes and even your failures. Try to perceive failures as opportunities for learning and growing. Enjoy what you have. There are no easy formulas for finding the optimal balance. Moreover, our needs and holds change over time as we change. And, as always, situation changed theater native to your inner needs and wants a zealous to external constraints. It is okay to let go of traditions that don't make sense anymore. You don't have to wait for a major tragedy or life event to give yourself permission. It is also okay to put your own needs first. Sometimes, even if doing so disappoints 100 people, they will get over it. Changing habits, traditions and routines is not a sign of weakness or imperfection. 34. 39 What are you afraid of?: perfectionists and the host was perfectionist. Trades see any formal failure as a catastrophe natural disaster, which must be avoided at any cost. They are not familiar with acceptance and gratitude. In contrast, successful people are driven by passion. It is not about what they must or CanDo. It's about what they want to dio. It's about what they are passionate about. Feeling constantly anxious because of a possible failure. Perfectionist spend hours of mental and physical energy to prevent it. Their greatest fear is letting other seen their failure. Trying to minimize unwanted results will produce more negative energy. We worry about what will happen anxiously. Think about what to do. In the worst case scenario, we hesitate while making decisions. In short, we get stressed out, and stress can result in a burnout, anxiety, insomnia, depression and other psychological problems. By concentrating on what we want, we motivate and inspire ourselves to change for the better. Not because we have to, but because we desire it. You do have a suffer from a failure which turned out to be something good. Perhaps you quarrel was your boss. What fired. But after some time, you found a better job or started your own business? Did you see some situations like a catastrophe? But later you looked at it as a blessing. Maybe you broke up with someone you loved on Later Mitt, and even more suitable person Haley. It can be a tool for future success if we're alot, it perfectionists fear of failure and be shown in her refusal to risk excessive diligence and indecision. She can endlessly postponed something or give it up completely. Perfectionists may not take up the important project because they worry about feeling it. They can turn down the promotion because they might feel to meet responsibilities. They might not even submit an application for participation in the program for fear of being rejected. The perfectionist always prefers certainty to risk, even if that certainty is not as attractive as a possible game. That's why his life is less fulfilling than it could be. The purpose off procrastination and avoidance is to put aside what we're afraid off because it causes too much stress. However, ironically, exactly this kind of behaviour increases stress levels, the sort I have to do. This is a heavy burden until you get down to business. Three important thing to do. To overcome anxiety off public speaking is to keep the main idea in your head and learned to communicate it to the audience instead of trembling over every single word. This approach is more effective and healthy. Focus on delivering your message and helping as many people as possible with it. Besides, perfection is boring, especially when it comes to presentations. It perfectly delivered speech may sound unnatural or to memorized. The best way to convey information is to be yourself on Speak from the heart. 35. 40 How do you make conclusions in different circumstances?: Are you indecisive when she was in court to wear or which project to take on on what to cook for dinner Perfectionists thinks that she has to make a perfect decision. Thing is, there is no perfect solution. Make your choice and stick to it. If it does not lead to the results you expected, then he will change something later. There is no one and only right way which makes all the others automatic elite falls. There are so many ways to do anything. Most of our decisions are not a matter of life and death. The point is to take into account the available information and make the best choice possible at the moment. If, in the end, who happened to be wrong, don't take it Personal and undesirable result does not make you a loser in decision making . Still blaming and forgive yourself. Remember, you made the best choice possible at the time. Considering the information you had. Stop wishing to turn back time, choose a new path using what information you have at the present. Trust yourself and your intuition here and now. Why making a choice? Think about the following. Does it really help to solve the problem. How does it affect you emotionally, physically in terms of time and effort. How does it affect others? Your family society? Is it effective in the short and long term, when something hurts or disappoints us, we keep thinking about it over and over in our mind, trying to make sense of it, who passed information through our own perspective but try to feed it into our world. For example, you have this idea that bosses must be fair. But when the reality contradicts your mental scenario opinion, it is confusing and causes stress. There are two ways to react to this contradiction. First, you change your opinion or ideas so that distressful situation can make sense. For example, instead of thinking, forces must be fair using sometimes voices are not fair. Second, you can change that information which causes the stress so it can fit into your world view . For example, you think if X is the boss and boss's should always be fair. Then I did something wrong. So my most did the fair Think by not supporting May in this case, you continue in your belief that forces must be fear. Then you conclude that something is wrong with you or you are a loser. The woman who suffers domestic violence believes that she is the reason off her partners aggression. The sort pattern is following. He loves me, and people don't ill treat those they love. It means that I am doing something wrong and provoke such behavior. A person who survived a car accident, We come to the conclusion that driving a car is dangerous. The victim of sexual abuse can conclude that no man can be trusted When our emotions are in turmoil, our thoughts are not always rational and useful. You are on Della Hofstra's who can make wrong conclusions by applying one experience and generalizing it toe all experiences. 36. 41 How to react to criticism and forgive?: When a close friend, boss or colleague or even a stranger criticizes the perfectionist, the letter can react in one of two ways. First, he is right. I am a complete loser the second he has no idea what he is talking about. What a loser. How about listening to the comment and assessing its usefulness as objectively as possible ? It is very difficult, but try to assume that the person has good intentions on Does Not Want to Hurt You on. Then ask yourself if what she says is true. How can I use it? Maybe that person truly believes that he's right. Instead of getting all defensive or blaming yourself, use this information to achieve a better result. When someone criticizes you, it's because he may be tired or annoyed and therefore concentrates on negative. In general, our brain is prone to negative evaluations. Or maybe he sincerely wants to help you to improve. Maybe you don't mind him or someone on the past, and it effects your communication. Therefore, when someone upsets you, remember that there can be various reasons for that. Try not to take someone else's negative feedback to personally most faces. It has nothing to do with you in psychology forgiveness means the ability to stop feeling anger and resentment about what happened to forgive yourself means to get rid off guilt and shape. Learning to forgive is extremely important for moving one, because forgiveness eliminates the sense of failure without forgiveness. We get stuck in the past, and forgiveness allows you to learn from what happened. It doesn't mean that you must ignore and justify the incident or say that nothing terrible has happened. It doesn't mean that someone can get away with it or you can avoid responsibility. You don't have to put up with the situation or forget about it. Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else. No one has to ask forgiveness in order for you to forgive. Forgiveness means accepting what happened, no matter how hurtful, which waas you are not trying to change what has already happened. You let go off anger, feelings off guilt and shame. You allow yourself to learn from the past and make positive changes in the present. In other words, you let go of the past, but use the experience for your own benefit. To forgive yourself, others and circumstances is extremely important for personal growth. You cannot change the past, but you can influence the present and the future. You can choose to learn from your mistakes. Although it was a challenging situation, you can find something called in it. It made you stronger and more resilient. Yeah. 37. 42 How to accept reality and circumstances: instead of saying I refuse to feel sad or I will not accept failure. See, I do not like feeling said, but I accept this emotion as natural or I dislike failure. But I accept defected something. Lear is inevitable. It acknowledges the primacy of the reality that we experience and absorb. Some people believe that human nature does not change on. We should not waste time on effort, trying to modify it. Passions, technology, landscape and culture. Real change. But human nature is a constant human force are inevitable, and the best we can do is to accept our nature. It's constraints. It's in perfect ability on then optimal eyes. The outcome piece on what we have refusal to accept being full emotions is a rejection off our nature. It is the belief that human nature can be modified, improved, perfected. The perfectionist seeks to eradicate painful emotions. Do away was failure in 18 unrealistic levels of success. The health kissing is to recognize and accept that human nature has certain constraints. We have instincts, inclinations and to make the most of our nature, we need to accept it for what it is. The notion that we can enjoy unlimited success or live without emotional pain and failure, Maybe an inspiring ideal. But it is not a principle by which to lead one's life, since in the long run it leads to dissatisfaction. And I'm happiness. If it is important for me to see myself as brave, I mean refuse to accept that I sometimes feel few. If I think of myself as generous, it may be hard for me to accept feelings off anyway. But if I am to enjoy psychological health, I need first of all to accept that I feel the way I do. I need to respect reality. Self acceptance is the foundation of healthy and happy psychology. Many people have been educated out of knowing what their feelings are when they hate it. They were told it was only dislike when they were afraid. They were told there was nothing to be afraid off when they felt pain. They were advised to be brave and smile. Way have never been told the truth. That hate is hate. That fear is fear. When a child is in the midst off strong emotions, he cannot listen to anyone. He cannot accept a device or consolation or constructive criticism. He wants us to understand him. Child Strong feelings do not disappear when I would tell him it is not nice to feel that way, or when the parent tries to convince him that he has no reason to feel that way. Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished. They do diminish in intensity and lose their sharp edges when the listener accept them. It was sympathy and understanding to dispel the sadness or anger it is often enough to see . I see that you are really sad about what just happened, or it seems to me that you are really feeling angry. This statement holds true not only for Children but also for adults. If emotions are running high when we interact with our Children, our partners or anyone else, including ourselves, acknowledging the feelings that are present is often the best thing to do. So this can mean holding in check, the inclination to help, to preach, to teach, or to offer advice, off course genuine acceptance of our own or others. Feelings does not resolve everything. Gonzales Acceptance is an important first step 38. 43 How to deal with grief and pain: extreme positive and negative emotional experiences worldwide. The opportunity for growth they do not automatically induce close to see his December to nitty, we need to openly embrace the emotions that these experiences illicit. The perfectionist is rigid and unyielding. It suppresses painful feelings in his ongoing attempt to sustained unbroken for off positive emotions is close mindedness and close heartedness lead to stagnation? Those who do not express the emotions following the death so they allowed ones suffer from longer lasting and more severe physical and psychological symptoms. We are healed off a suffering only by expressing its to the full. More people talk to others about their pain loss. The few health problems they report having Warners are better off going through the emotions, feeling the pain when it naturally arises and then expressing it in words and tears. The also experienced loss are often distracted from their pain by well meaning people encourage them to stop crying over the debt and get on with their lives or my doctors who prescribe antidepressants. Such strategies usually only prolongs the grieving process and the pain, but some processes cannot be rushed and need to be alone toe unfold at their natural peace by focusing on a painful emotion, accepting it with an open heart and mind and letting it flow through us. Who can help it? The salt disappear. For example, If you get extremely nervous in front of an unions, imagine yourself getting on stage if you lost someone and time has not healed the pain. Imagine yourself sitting next. Does the deceased or saying goodbye to him. You can also bring up certain emotions in security, to sadness, by thinking about them without imagining particular situation. Once the emotion comes up, just stay with the experience. For a few minutes I was trying to change it. 39. How and why did you become a perfectionist? (part 1): it is important to find out how you need for perfectionism developed. Where did you get perfectionist patterns that stop you from moving forward? When did they appear? Yes, it is history now, and we cannot change the past. And yet the past influences our present and future. Analyzing your past is a vital step because it will clarify why you do what you do. It is important to identify the roots of the problem because addressing the reason is like treating a deep wound. Acquiring new skills can be a temporary solution. It may or may not help without identifying the origins of perfectionism. - We can't change past and this is not the issue. We're trying to adjust the way our past effects us now. The past in itself does not hurt us. What hurts us is the way we perceive it, what it thought and what we learn from it. We left even behind us. However, our thinking process still hurts. Devise your childhood. Did you see one off your parents or most work all the time? Have you parents stayed up late or went to work on weekends? They bring work home or they obsessed was clearly nous. Maybe they believe that you should always keep the house tidy just in case off unexpected guests. Did you often hear sentences like I hate When people are late? It is a sign of disrespect or a real man of ox heart and provides for his family. You are who you are because of your job. If you relax, you are unemployed. Did you get the idea that if you studied hard and got excellent grades, your parents would love you? Had you been criticized, ridiculed or punished? Follow academic performers? Did you have to endure humiliation because of a mistake on then swear that he would never make it again? It is human nature to want to be accepted and loved by other people, our norther. To win their attention, Perfectionists often behave themselves just like when they were kids. People are proud of my achievements is transformed into people, will be proud Onley if I am successful, so their need for success keeps increasing. Figuring out which made you perfectionist is essential. This life changing event or factor on the lessons you learned from it still acts as your driving force every day, and it interferes with your success 40. How and why did you become a perfectionist? (part 2): when you remember that life changing situation, which provoked perfectionism in your next step, is to ride the details off this event on paper. Unfortunately, many people are reluctant to describe the event and its nuances in writing. They say. I already know what I'm thinking about. It's just a waste of time. However, it is extremely important to ride down the story on Did not just think it over, because our mind can easily treat us. Thousands of sorts has through our mind every second. Some of them are conscious, others are not, and you tend to perceive them all as facts and not your own subjective interpretations. By transferring your memories from your mind to a piece of paper, we can look at them in a new way, can analyzed information and understand how accurate and useful it really is and remember that your nose should not be perfect. This is not a writing contest or English lesson. Don't worry about style or spelling. Just tried whatever comes to mind. Describe events which triggered your need for excellence. Do not hold back. If you find it difficult to remember the specific situation, just write down everything that comes to mind. When you think about these questions who participated in disciplined, what did these people say and do? What did you say, Think and do. Did you hear phrases like must and should have? Who in your past had perfectionist traits, for example, had all or nothing type of thinking who worked without dressed, prioritized work or entertainment at the need to keep everything clean and tidy? When in the past did you receive rewards for your successes? In what situations did you feel embarrassed because we did something wrong or made an era writing down your deepest emotions and thoughts and have a beneficial effect on your health ? Increase your stress resistance and, overall, improve your moment. Do not underestimate this exercise. 41. How and why did you become a perfectionist (part 3): trying to overcome perfectionism. People sometimes confined themselves to identifying the events or situations that provoked it. But this is a big mistake by simply animating the past in your memory. You are just poking at a bruise. It hurts and doesn't help healing. That's why you need to learn from the past. Try to get insight. It is the turning point when you go from confusion to clarity, from stress to discovery. Think about your child like beliefs. Most of them are not helpful animal, so why stick to them? The same applies to irrelevant beliefs related to perfectionism. Perfectionism keeps you from experience, enjoy and forms of life. It drones out and blocks your true self. If what happened 20 years ago still causes you pain or you have been using destructive patterns of behavior for many years, it is time to change this unproductive approach, not the situation itself. But your thoughts about it and your attitude affect you. - Here are some insights in this story. I was afraid off my father's punishments. I decided that if I behaved perfectly, it would not heal or get a belt. Well, I really wanted was for my father to love and accept me for who I waas. Now I understand that my father loved me in his own way. A za child, you never actually felt loved, so he didn't know how to properly express his own feelings. I can most work hard, providing for my family and enjoy the time spent with them. A major predictor of perfectionism is criticism from parents, teachers and other figures of authority. Overly demanding and critical. Parents put a lot of pressure on kids to achieve. We all fear disapproval and rejection by our parents to something that we will go a long way to avoid. If you are already parent or hope to be one in the future, remember this. It is effort that should be praised in your kid, as opposed to intelligence and achievement that energizes the child and has much more positive emotional impact. Parents can cause the problem in other ways, too, not just by being excessively critical. If they themselves are or were concerned about making mistakes, the child can pick up on that and wont to model that same behavior. Apportioning blame is not very helpful, and we can never know for sure how the problem developed initially. What is important is that would take responsibility for it, using the negative effect it has on our life now and in the future. 42. Out of touch with your feelings?: some experiences in our childhood. We have taught us to suppress our emotions to hide our pain. It can take us years to under this harmful habit and give ourselves decommission to feel the permission to be human. It is all right for us to be said. There is nothing. Room was feeling dispirited, scared only or anxious. It is okay to feel perfectionist has every region you off what her life and the lives off others should be like. She rejects as unacceptable any deviation from that ideal. The reality off leaving is such that whether we like it or not, we experience at the full range of emotions. And if we do not give ourselves the permission to experience it, the inevitable result is intense people, emotions or perhaps even worse, the failure to feel any emotion at all. Life is fluid changing and dynamic. Just as you accept failure as part off the human experience, you need to accept being for and pleasurable emotions as an inevitable consequence. Off being alive. Try to be open to what the world offers, except the variety of experiences and emotions that life has to offer. In this case, you will be more likely to actually experience and express your feelings by crying when you need to buy sharing your feelings with your friends or by writing about your feelings in the diary, you need to include emotional ups, downs and everything in between. In your life. Perfectionists rejects painful emotions that do not meet his expectation off our unwavering flew off positive emotions commit yourself to experience the full range of human feelings many people will learn early on, toe hard and suppress. Their feelings pleasurable as well as the painful ones, may have been told that boys don't cry, that expressing pleasure at our accomplishments was evidence off unbecoming pride or that wanting something that someone else had was greedy. We have been told that being attracted to someone and yearning to express that physically was dirty and shameful. Feeling shy and nervous about opening ourselves up emotionally and physically was uncool and shameful on learning the lessons off. Childhood and only adulthood is hard, which is why it is difficult for so many off us to open up 43. How to overcome unpleasant thoughts and feelings?: I don't mean that we shouldn't rain in our emotions. The opposite might mean rude comments. Obscenities on unrestricted, four off tears off Joy or Misery fortunately belonged to suppress our base instincts and to hide our role feelings. Communities, families and relationships would fall apart if our emotions were always exposed well at some time have filled a primal emotion, greed, envy, desire, anger toward a friend or colic. If revealed, thes feelings would have endangered our relationship with that person. A draw also side effects to suppressing our true feelings. While it is at times necessary to keep certain emotions out offside when you are with others, it may be harmful to try to keep them out of mind when you are alone, who are taught that it is not okay to display our anxiety or to cry in public. So we hold our emotions back in private as well. Anger does not win us. Friends on overtime lose our ability to express an experience anger altogether. We extinguish our anxiety, fear and rage for the sake of being pleasant and easy to get along with, and in the process of getting others to accept us, reject ourselves the tendency to avoid thinking about traumatic or anxiety producing topics . They bring those topics to mind repeatedly on actuated cycle that could perpetuate anxiety disorders other than trying to suppress or avoid unwanted sorts. Try to accept an express. Them perfectionist rejects his emotions not only by refusing to express them but also by refusing Tello himself to experience them. Therefore, these emotions intensify, which is the opposite off what he wanted. You should allow yourself to think all this stuff that's was airing you, and then after a while the sort would naturally go away. Just as every sort of Angela does the attempt to actively suppress assort, to fight it and bark it keeps it fresh and intense. Similarly, emotions such as anxiety, anger or envy intensify when we try to suppress thumb when we try to fight them and block their natural for hello yourself to experience painful feelings. By doing so, these emotions are more likely to weaken and fade away. For example, if you stop trying to suppress your anxiety, you're in public speech and allow yourself to feel nervous. When you accept your anxiety and give it permission to be, it will start to weaken. I don't just pretend to accept anxiety. You have to truly accept your emotions, what they are and truly be willing to leave with them. This means that you have to accept painful emotions when when they persist beyond your wants or wishes, genuine acceptance is about acknowledging that were upset on that who might not feel better , even though we're except what we're feeling right now. 44. Why do we underestimate writing?: perfectionism is an attitude on. We can begin to change it through our behavior by taking risks, venturing outside our comfort zone, being open as a defensive rolling down and getting up again. Think of something that you would like to do but have always been reluctant to try a few of failing. Then go ahead and do it. Audition for a part in the play trying out for a sports team. Ask someone out on a date. Starts writing that book that you have always wanted to write a book for additional opportunities to venture outside your comfort zone, Ask for feedback and help admit your mistakes. Writing about your sorts, worries, fears, dreams and experiences can be an incredibly therapeutic experience. Journaling helps lessen the pain of traumatic experiences, eats and putting negative events in perspective, and offers an effective way to sink stroke conflicts and decisions. In your journal, you can explore your perfectionist feelings in a safe way. Ask yourself why you expect perfection, where that expectation came from and what messages go through your head. When you criticize yourself or dwell on your phones and failures, you can talk to yourself in your journal and ask yourself why you don't treat yourself with the same love and compassion that you offer others. You can also give yourself permission in the journal. Permission to make mistakes and to be in perfect journaling can help you understand why a certain situation causes you. Stress. Even when you can't solve a problem having a fuller awareness off what it is and by it's troubling, you can go a long way to watch removing its stink while you are journaling right down the automatic negative salts you have about yourself, seeing them in black and white and be shocking and embarrassing when you write them. They seem so much less logical than they do when you think them. Getting these sorts down on paper is a tremendous first step towards reframing them in a more positive, constructive way. When you write in a journal, you benefit not only from the writing process but from the reading. Also, sometimes when you read your journal entries, you have an ah ha moment on something you have been struggling with becomes crystal clear. Once you begin writing, keep going. Don't worry about grammar or punctuation or correct spelling. If you run out of things to say. Repeat what you have already written. If you write about traumatic event in your past, really let go and explore your feelings and sorts about it. Delve into your deepest emotions. You may feel said after you, right, but usually the feelings passes was in a couple of hours. If you find that you get extremely upset writing about a certain topic right about something else, instead, be completely honest. What you're writing is for you alone. You can save your journal entries or saw them away. Saving them and reading them in the future can help you see how you have changed in groom. Throwing them away can be cathartic to you can burn them, erase them, shed them, flush them or kill them into little pieces. - When people alot themselves to investigate their mistakes and see what mistakes have to teach them, they think mindfully about themselves on their world on the increased the ability not only to accept themselves and their mistakes, but to be grateful for them as directions for future growth. Take 15 minutes off your time and write about an event or a situation in which you failed. Describe what you did sorts that went through your mind, how you felt about it and how you feel about it now, as you are writing, Has the passage of time changed your perspective on their went? What are the lessons that you have learned from the experience? Can you think off other benefits that came about as a result of the failure that made the experience valuable one. 45. Why affirmations don’t work: But have you ever questioned your destiny? Have you ever felt lost and didn't know what to do next? Imagine yourself walking through the field if you want along one path over and over again, it becomes so trampled that the grass will stop growing there and only soil over me. Whenever you cross the field, you almost likely choose the same path, thereby making it more profound. Our thinking pattern is just like that field. Once a path sort appears, it will appear again and again. This'll neural route is used the most, so it becomes the past, off least resistance, and at some point our choice becomes automatic. Such puffs help to better navigate the bolt, but the challenge is not in developing new ideas, but in avoiding the old ones are unconscious beliefs and patterns of behaviour. I like those trampled path do you trucks into ground that make it difficult to create new roads. Setting up in your neural path is like trading in new paths into the field. Three newly paved track is not about Jordan yet, even though the grass of the new path has been too little old pass on which the grasses fact with the ground still remains the road of least resistance. And we will prefer this old wrote. And one of the walk through destroyed quite often chose it without even thinking. These well used track like frequently repeated idea becomes automatic. Our choice becomes unconscious and we don't control it anymore. And although we prefer to think that you are consciously managing everything, it is our subconscious that has most of the control. It controls our body emotions and behavior. Therefore, spilling gold in you thought does not help us change our beliefs. Even constantly repeated statements like affirmations often don't want to work on their own repetition off. These affirmations can be pursued as something unnatural. You tell you so something, but at a deeper level, your subconscious rejects this statement. Let's say you're trampled. PATH is a deep rooted conviction that you are a loser, despite the fact that you want started to pay in your path. By repeating to yourself that you are successful, your subconscious will keep choosing the old path the road off this resistance. If you consciously decide to make in your path, you will succeed. But as soon as you stop making conscious efforts. You're sorts will roll back on its well used unconscious path. Emotions can leave deep tracks. Assault, which comes along with an emotion, has a deeper impact, and the one was out. An emotion and the more intense emotion is the deeper trace it will leave. 46. 45 Why do you worry so much?: perfectionism comes was the desire to take on on those tasks that are guaranteed to be successful. And it's not that you are afraid of hard work. Perfectionists are normal to be workaholics. They are just very afraid of failure. University graduates who were told that their success was due to the hard work were more likely to keep working hard. They succeeded even in more complex tasks. In contrast, students who were told that they had succeeded because of the intellectual abilities were less persistent, attributing undesirable results. It was a lack of skills. The Raila took up more difficult tasks besides perfectionist into drag things out. They constantly ruminate about things that happened or will happen. That's why they are is a focus in the past or worry about the future. It is difficult for a perfectionist to let go off the situation and accept what has awarded to happen. Thinking about the events of the past and blaming ourselves or others or something that can not be changed, is not helpful. It is very important to learn from the past experience, but it is equally important to accept what has happened, had not resisted. Let's say that the project you have been working on didn't succeed. Instead of ruminating about the failure, try asking yourself the right questions and getting the information to make improvements. If a company's sales are lower than expected, no one gets stuck on the fact of failure. People are trying to figure out how to improve the situation next month. Protectionist has a lot of experience and worrying about the future. If your device her to stop worrying, she will look at you as if you asked her to stop eating. Some of the perfectionists think that by worrying they are getting ready for what may happen. They have superstitious ideas about anxiety per se, in addition to the idea that anxiety helps them to prepare for the worst. They think if I worry bad things won't happen. It's like thinking if I take an umbrella, each one tree. But nothing supports this theory, there is no guarantee that your preparation will work. Don't cross the bridge until you come to eat, Doria says. The situation. Ask yourself these questions. In what other way can I interpret the situation? How would a person whom I admire look at this event? What advice would I give my friend in similar circumstances? What are some positive aspects off the situation? Is it helpful to think the way I think now? How would I take it if I will come? Instead of worrying about the past or the future, leave in the present. Be aware of what is happening here and now try to come the pessimistic internal dialogue focus on what is around you and within you. What's happening at the moment. Mindfulness is a powerful tool that can help us reduce stress and feel happier. 47. 46 What is mindfulness and how to be mindful?: mindfulness is one of the greatest gift so that you can give yourself. I spent so much time planning or worrying about the future under great in the past that we often forget to appreciate the present mindfulness all those you to learn to live in the here and now, rather than the past or future way can be mindful any time while you are eating, walking, cooking, cleaning, making, love driving and so on to practice living mindfully set aside times each day. When you conscious the stop and focus on what's going on at that moment, take a few breath and center yourself. What is what's going on around you Use all of your senses. By doing so, we begin to build a habit of appreciating what's going on in the present moment. Practice your mindfulness skills the next time you eat at a nice restaurant for us on the delicious smell of food, the elegant decor, the taste of wine, you can do anything mindfully even when you are going so a difficult experience Minds one was a lose you to see where what's going on mindfulness allows you to savour what school and put suffering in perspective point. Well, walking is a wonderful way to practice mindfulness. Do you mind to walk outdoors and walk slowly? Really experiencing the sensations are walking one step at a time while you walk with your senses. Take over. Smell the aroma off grass and trees. What is the houses you pass on? People? You see, you listen to the sounds of birds, dogs, lawnmowers or the sound of snow crunching under your boots. If you walk in the city, be aware on the sounds off cars and buses. The smell for a strong to pass on the faces of the people. See, try to stay present on other sorts. Enter your mind. Gently acknowledge them and then let them go. As you bring yourself back to the present woman after you walk, try to carry that mindfulness with you for the rest of the day. 48. 47 How did your parents made you a perfectionist?: Children who grow up believing they are not living up to expectations may experience low self esteem. They may spend so much time on school projects that they can't get their work done on time . Or they may stop trying to succeed because they feel that no matter what, they will never do well enough to satisfy their parents. A perfectionist mother who is never satisfied with her appearance or performance puts herself down, never admits mistakes, makes critical comments about herself or others, is afraid of failing or who is preoccupied with weight loss teaches these sorts and behaviors to her Children, putting them at an elevated risk of developing eating disorders. Perfectionist parents may expect top academic achievements on superlative athletic performance. Unfortunately, the underside off these expectations is disappointment, who are disappointed when Children are not attractive enough. Not popular enough, not smart enough. When we send the message, I want you to be the best. Our Children may instead here the message. You are not good enough. Some perfectionist parents criticize their kids for everything. Others go to the opposite extreme, praising everything they dio. Things can backfire because it can create kids who are spoiled self centered and poorly prepared for the inevitable rejections, failures, challenges and hardships off real life. It can also contribute to depression late in their lives. But you think off your child's achievements as your achievements and his failures as your failures. Flashing lights should go off in your head. Those are clear signs off perfectionist Parenti. Some of us want our kids to be perfect because I feel that if they feel we feel if they can't get along well, is as a kids, if they drop the baseball and the other team wins the playoff if they bring home a poor report card, if they are diagnosed, was a learning disability if they abuse drugs or alcohol. If they don't get into an Ivy League college, it brings us down to a perfectionist parent may press a child to succeed in an area in which the parents field. The classic examples of this are the homely mother pushing her daughter to win a beauty pageant, or oclock the fossa, expecting his son to be a star athlete. It takes a lot of self control not to project your own ego, wants and needs on your child 49. 48 How to be a good parent – myths and truths: perfectionist parents are very critical of themselves and their Children and are unable to tolerate mistakes off any kind, including genuine accidents. If your child spills his milk and you call him clumsy, we can cause a lot of emotional damage. Parents should love their Children unconditionally. It is incredibly harmful when a child feels that her parents love is tied to her performance or appearance. The myth off perfect parents is that your Children's needs always come before yours. Obviously, there are times when your child needs something and you're immediately drop what you are doing to help him. But there are other times when your child has to get in line and wait his turn in. No family should The needs off. The Children always come before the needs off the adults. Women squelch their own needs for 18 years or more because they want to be a perfect mother on in their minds. A perfect mother always puts her Children first. Not that you wouldn't work three jobs to put a roof over your kid's head and food on the table. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a woman who make a day to go out to dinner with friends and cancel at the last minute because their kids don't want them to leave. If the child has a 102 degree fever, fine. But if you feel that you have to give in to everyone off your child's demands to meet the expectations off so called perfect motherhood, you need to re evaluate your priorities. It is so important to take care of yourself and to let your Children see that you deserve self care. Some mothers want to leave their child was a baby sitter. What message does that send the kid on the egocentric enough without their parents, making them the complete and total center off their vote. When babies are born, they are an ego in a diaper, £7.5 off your need. It's their parents job to teach them that everyone's feelings count, not just theirs. What's your best parents is to raise our Children to be happy, successful and productive members of society, not the king or queen of the world. The best kind of parent is one who balances his needs and the needs off his family, who is able to set limits for kids who is a healthy role model for his kids on who takes as well as gifts. If you have unrealistically high expectations for yourself and try never to let your Children see you make a mistake, you are telling them that perfection is the only option for your and for them. If you make a mistake, acknowledge it and if the situation warrants apologize. But don't hide it from your Children and lead them to believe that you are perfect. Her parenting is hard work show. Each can be satisfying, but it can also be incredibly frustrating if you go into parenthood expecting it to be an always joyful, always rewarding experience. And if you criticize yourself as being and multiple enough, parent because of the frustration and impatience you sometimes feel, you are living in a fantasy world. Off course. You love your Children, but don't expect yourself toe. Get them all the time. It's normal to have days when you feel like sending them off to boarding school. If you expect that being a mas of all fulfill you completely or that your failure to enjoy every minute off parenthood means you are a terrible parent, you are likely to be disappointed, angry and stressed. Try to let go off this myth. Some perfectionist feel that if they have to say no to a child, discipline a child or limit the child in any way, it's proof that they are bad parents. In an effort to feel like good parents, they let the Children run the family, they said. No limits at all. This is confusing and upsetting to Children. They strive on having limits and boundaries clearly defined. It's good for a child to experience sadness, jealousy, anger and I was a difficult feelings so she can learn how to handle them. If you're in your perfectionist, parents will try to raise a child who never knows anything but happiness. You set him up for a difficult adulthood. It does way more harm than good. Having unlimited freedom can provoke tremendous anxiety in Children. Kids have to learn from the age that failure happens to everyone you deal, visit on the move on. Asking a child to do things she dislikes doesn't make you a bad parent, either. It makes you better parent, and it helps build a better child but establish reasonable rules based on your child's age and stick to them. Even a two year old can't going to put toys away. It's can clean their rooms and to the dishwasher. Walk the dog. Take care off the yard. It teach them responsibility. Remember, when you ask a child to do a job, keep your perfectionism in check. When you are inspecting the work, don't pounce on your seven year old ships. The folks in the part of the draw reserved response show her where the folks belong on Praise her for her effort. Self blame solves nothing, so don't waste your energy on it. No matter how good a parent you are, So many things are out of your control. Things just happen, no matter how well parent. How you handle the A D H D diagnosis will influence how your child handles it. You can pull your hair out over it, or you can be grateful he was diagnosed and can now be placed into a learning environment that meets his needs. You need to use your energy. Helping him, rather than blaming yourself for not being a perfect mother, was a perfect son. Having an imperfect child does not make you a bad parent. It just makes you apparent. That is almost always more than one right way to do something. As a parent, don't force your supposed to parent your way. Never disagree with your sports or parenting styles in front of the Children. I try never to let your Children here. You're undercutting all contradicting your husbands or wives choices. Doing so can low what Childress respect for you when you hit a parenting road book whom you're Sposa site and have a private conversation. This helps prevent anger, name calling and disrespect. As added fuel to the fire. You may feel that allowing your Children to see your field Hurst Um, but in reality, in the opposite is true. Modeling self accepting behavior. Teach your Children to accept themselves, point out your mistakes and explain how you handle them. If you call this set out to rectify the situation, you teach your child a much more helpful lessons than you do If you ignore it, I did flip out from it, become angry over it or over criticize yourself for it. If your Children never see, you feel they will assume that they should never fail either. it is so tempting to push your Children into doing what you love rather than what they love . Music loving. That pushes his son to play the violin, even though he would rather play on the hook it imam, who loves to write next her daughter, to work on the school paper even though she would rather join the master. You have to recognize that your kids have strengths and weaknesses. Let them develop in their own way, guided by their own needs, interests and strength. If your child gets a 75% on a test that he worked hard studying for, which means that he knew 75% off the material hocus on that rather than on the 25% he didn't know. 50. 49 How to raise a non perfectionist child?: for a person was a fixed mindset. Artwork is threatening. It indicates that our abilities are limited on that. By extension, she's too. After all, if she were gifted and talented, then she wouldn't need to work not wanting to appear deficient. And because she believes that nothing can be done to remedy that deficiency. She constantly feels the pressure to prove to herself and to others are smart, competent and perfect. She already is hard. Work is not only necessary, it can also be fun and exciting. Enjoy the Jordan because rather than trying to prove yourself constantly, your primary focus can be learning, developing and realizing your potential. Thistles the past to being happier and more successful. Person. The need to prove to yourself and to others how smart you are, is a heavy burden to carry. You need to praise Children for their efforts for that which is under their control rather than for their intelligence, which is not. Parents think they could hand Children permanent confidence like a gift by praising their brains and challenge. But it doesn't work. It makes Children doubt themselves. As soon as anything, it's hard or anything goes wrong. Insert parents can teach their Children to love challenges, being tricked by mistakes, enjoy effort and keep on learning. Praising intelligence engenders the belief that being truly intelligent or to preclude the possibility of failure. In contrast, praising effort shifts the focus to the journey on away from outcome. But the one succeeds or feels matters less than whether or not one works hard perfectionist tents to catastrophe eyes failure. When it does happen instead off perceiving failure as an opportunity for growth and development, it is important to emphasize the process at the hard work, the effort, the enjoyment off the journey, the importance or failures as learning opportunities rather than the rule achievement on the outcome. Telling Children how smart they are leads to a short term high, while in the long term it hurts the child's motivation, performance and well being. Parents and teachers should constantly be asking Children what they learned from others from books from their own mistakes and successes, not what prices and grades they received on what the competition was like. Children also have to understand that they don't have to be the best at everything, and that just having fun is a legitimate reason for doing something a same time. If they do want to excel, then effort is necessary, which does not preclude the possibility off having fun along the way. Ability is malleable. Ups and downs are natural and was effort we can improve. 51. 50 How to deal with anxiety of perfectionism?: We all have positive and negative aspects to us, and we are all fallible. Learning to accept yourself and others, warts and all is an important lesson in life, accepting that nothing is certain. Nothing is perfect is important if you are to leave a fulfilling life without unnecessary P , you can either try to be perfect and end up miserable. Or you can aim to be human and in perfect on feel, empowered and enriched my life. Even if your performance doesn't reach the highest standard, the situation is likely to be manageable. You can practice by deliberately putting yourself in situations where you would previously have felt ashamed or anxious. It will almost certainly help if, before doing, get in real life. You're repeatedly vividly imagine dealing with the situation. For example, leave the house untidy when you go to work. When playing sport deliberately Mrs Short or lose a match, invite friends over and provide food that is okay rather than perfect show up for a meeting with There was at the wrong time. Send an email was all checking it. Do a good enough job on a piece of work. Go to work without hardening your shirt or putting on makeup. Take comfort from the knowledge that each time you do expose yourself, you are getting closer to your goal of reducing the anxiety. You may feel more stressed or irritable temporarily, but gradually the discomfort herbal reduce. If you want to do things more slowly, you can try graded exposure instead of going straight for the most anxiety provoking situation. Build up to it by trying easier versions. First work at giving up control. Being over controlling is irrational and born out off deep seated insecurity. It tends to make us increasingly region and judgmental in our attitudes and that make us difficult to work with. The patient was yourself. It takes time to change longstanding habits, but little by little you will find it gets easier. Keep the big picture in mind. That means being careful to notice when you are becoming to book down in the details. But get in the habit off, sending back and rechecking priorities. Ask yourself what is the best use of my time right now? Take care not to be too demanding or judgmental of others. If you know you are prone to this, remind yourself off the need to be realistic and reasonable who are all fallible. And if you can modify this behavior, you will find others much more willing to cooperate with you. Never, ever humiliate anyone on your staff team. If you are annoyed with someone on your team or they have done something wrong, make sure you keep your core. If you humiliate or patronise or criticize excessively, you're she will hold a grudge against you for a long time, and their work will suffer, too. This type of behavior spreads ill feeling in teams, creating a negative atmosphere and reduced productivity. Remember that you are likely to feel some anxiety whilst making this change, but that is simply a sign that you are making progress. If it feels uncomfortable, remind yourself that it will get easier on the benefits will make it all worthwhile. Focus on the other person, not yourself. Ask them questions and really listen to them. People generally love talking about themselves. After all, it's the subject they know well. Research shows that when we show our interested in others, they usually find us really interesting, too. It might have said very little about ourselves, 52. 51 Why do you belittle your achievements?: perfectionist mindset is based on extremes when people, events and circumstances are seen only in black and white, all nothing excellence or failure. For example, I stopped eating chocolate chips on desserts. No more junk food and alcohol on. I am going to the gym every day. I have a little dream, my diet. So why both of working out? I have already ruined my diet so I can eat anything. I haven't started the project this week. I will wait until the next one and try again. I haven't succeeded in the past, so why try again? I always spoil everything. Perfectionists often personalizes failure, thinking, If what I do fails, then I myself am a loser. If you tell him to relax and stop worrying about everything, he knows you are right but still deep in his heart, who thinks if the result is not perfect, the whole thing will fail. And if the job fails, then I am a loser. So you're saying that there is nothing wrong cause me being a loser. Perfectionists tend to take everything personally. That's why they use it when they don't reach their goals. It's all about their self esteem and dignity. The extreme way of thinking is reflected in mind reading, minimizing achievements and labeling. They believe that they know what others are thinking off them, even reaching a high bar. The perfectionist will hardly say Wow, I made it instead, she sings. Turned out Okay, Now I need to focus on the next goal when someone says Wow, great job chanters, Yes, but I still have so much to do or yes, but it was not difficult at all. Anyone could do it. She feels unusable. Others congratulated on the success. This happens for two main reasons. First, we don't wish to celebrate until the job is done perfectly. It is inappropriate to celebrate something which is not complete yet. Second, we do not want to break. We think that it will let others praise our work. They will consider us upstarts. We don't want people to think that you are considered to be proud of your achievements is not the same as bragging. We were taught that reading is bad a za result. Many people come to conclusion that it is not good to rejoice at their success or to display joy to others. Next time, when someone compliments or congratulates you do not deny your merits. Simply say thank you. I know yourself to feel gratitude for kind words and for your achievements. Let's say your friend wants to be a manager in the company of his dreams when he's finally hired, Will you say that's good? But you still have to go a long way up the career ladder? I hope not. You will share his joy and advising to keep going towards his goal, so treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. 53. 52 The words you use affect your life choices: words can be powerful and words expressing extremes make us think in extremes. How often do you use words? Always, Never forever. Nobody. Everything. Nothing Onley total. These kinds of words provoke on this serous tress on undesirable behaviour. Deeply rooted radical beliefs will sooner or later come true. When you are convinced off something about ourselves. It effects our sorts, actions, feelings. A. Some point you will get what you believe in, even if you don't want it. The words we use affect what we do, even if you don't realize it. Thinking in black and white categories distorts reality. In fact, there are very few real extremes in life, in part because of all our human. A good person can sometimes does something bad, and the bed one can do something good. Unpleasant woman's can happen in good relationships and pleasant woman's unhealthy ones. We can't divide our partners personality traits into black and white, good or vet. Have these kinds off sorts Ever come to your mind? It's not working, and if now will I give up. This isn't going the way I plant. It's a waste of time. My relationships always get off to a good start and then everything falls apart. I don't need this animal. She is always disappointed with me. I will not listen to her anymore. My husband never helps around the house. I don't want this relationship anymore. No one understands me. It's no use talking to someone about it. Life events are not all painted black and white, but trust have one on the shades of gray. If a person who has a low, nothing way of thinking starts to choose her words wisely, Accent sees the world avoiding extremes or stress level who will decrease and her self confidence will increase. 54. 53 How to reach your goals: Whenever you use a word which indicates an extremity to please devote with a less radical 1. Think about at least three statements disproving your negative thoughts. Focus on the new statement. For example, here is a radical statement. Nobody who go on a date with me. The new statement is, I prefer to concentrate on positive sides and be open to new encounters. Three facts that contradict your statement. My relationships used to end before, but then I had new ones. I learned a lot from past mistakes. I can use this knowledge in the future. I noticed that people like positive attitude. If you want to change your eating habits, start with small things. Don't make big statements. Don't swear that you will renounce chocolate chips and deserts forever. Instead, gradually balanced your diet. Replacing junk food was held to one. You will start to lose weight without feeling deprived. If you want to eat some chocolate, No problem. Do not beat yourself up for that. Eat it and enjoy every slice. Just pay more attention to the caloric content of the food you eat for the rest of the day. If your goal is to climb Mount Everest, you will have to take a lot of steps. Enjoy each of them, and don't forget about the big goal. Concentrating on why you want to reach your goal will help you stay on track. Focus on the reasons that make you do what you do, and not on the obstacles and hardships that you have to endure. For example, if you are trying to lose a few pounds and see your steps to the goal as depriving some pleasures. You will probably create those products that are excluded from your menu. Our brain tends to stick to the negative. Perfectionist believed that they must cope with everything and do it independently. Often they tend to psychologically isolate themselves from others, thereby resigning themselves to loneliness. Trying to cope with all the difficulties alone can lead to depression and loneliness. You can be honest about how we are doing. And at the same time, stay positive with others. You don't have to share every little traveled the world. This is another extreme which you can allow yourself to be vulnerable. People you trust, beautiful friend or a counselor. 55. 54 Do you secretly want someone to fail?: in an effort to be for better opinion of themselves. Perfectionist spend a lot of time comparing themselves on their achievements with others they define and evaluate themselves in relation to others. They get competitive. Me or them when comparing perfectionists often judged themselves negatively. And while this pressure motivates them to work even harder, the in a critic provoke stress, anxiety, irritability, insomnia not to mention reduce productivity on DSA Crest creativity, thistles. How the perfectionist things. If I win, they lose. If they win, I lose incident if others whose perfectionists feel better, at least temporarily, even if the event has nothing to do with them. If things are better for me than for her, then I'm fine. If she's doing better than me, then I am a loser. Have you ever been to a high school, the union, and secretly gloat that you books better than others or get upset because others looked better than you? That's the voice off your inner critic. There isn't for such competitiveness. Is low self esteem trying to feel better about herself? The perfectionist asserts herself on meal self esteem at the expense off other people's failures. Perfectionists are willing to give up something good just so that others will get less. Other people's don't fall becomes our victory. Looking at the photo off a celebrity without makeup, I think she looks terrible. Even I look better without makeup, like if someone else looks in perfect, this makes us more beautiful in reality, celebrities appearances have nothing to do with us. We do not depend on them in any way. There is enough beauty in the whole world, a zealous money, health, prosperity and well being. But perfectionists have a sense of shortage. It's either me or them. Have you ever felt better when something didn't work for others or rejoiced at other people's failures? Maybe you secretly wanted someone to fail, especially the person with whom you constantly compete in your head. The fact that you feel better when others do not succeed does not make you a bad person. So do not blame yourself thinking their failure is my victory will not help you to become happier, at least not for a long time. And on a deeper level you get stuck in negativity, which ultimately will increase your stress on worsen relations with others. If a person gets the latest version off the coveted gadget, or something he longed for. It begins to look for a new thing. It's an endless pursuit of happiness without a lasting sense of satisfaction. So the usual statement is. I will be happy when Event X happens and as soon as the previous goal is achieved. X is immediately replaced. Was a new one thing. You learn for the next achievement, praise or material value on they wanted before someone else and beats them at it. What if you get off the treadmill? What if you stop comparing yourself and your life or the lives off other people? And be grateful for what you already have? People for experience? Anything it implies, focusing on what is going well on, not on what should be changed. Gratefulness will help you to stop comparing yourself with others and be happy about who you are and what you possess, right 56. 55 Do you want to live happily ever after?: Do you believe that if you find your Mr right, you will have a wonderful near perfect relationship filled with blissful happiness, great sex, but no fighting beyond an occasional special about toilet seats and to space caps. You will understand each other, and you will both be able to meet all of each other's emotional needs in this distorted fantasy. Once you fall in love, your hard work is done. Even great marriages require work. You have to make some kind of effort to keep the bond between your strong. No matter how much you love someone, you don't always like them from the two off. You are not going to get along all the time. You can disagree, argue, feel disappointment and even feel fat out, disgusted with someone and still love them. Why? Because no sports is perfect. No relationship is perfect and no marriage is perfect for the 1st 6 to 12 weeks off. Relationship can be wonderful. That's to getting to know your unconditional love time. He thinks you are perfect. You think he's perfect and in your imagination he will marry him and have a perfect life. But after that, cracks begin to show he talks too much about politics. You want to get serious still quickly. It spends too much time was his immature friends. You complain too much about work, and on it goes. A lot of relationships don't make it past this point. Whether they realize it or not, Many people continue to expect near perfection from their partners. There are times when the two off you feel as close as you were when you first fell in love on. There will be times when you will ask yourself if you married the wrong person. Having fluctuations like these is normal. Being disappointed by them and feeling that they shouldn't happen only compounds the problem. You don't always have to like your sports to maintain being in office, him or her. That can be hard for perfectionists because they think they should feel happy all the time . People change over time, and hopefully as a couple you will change incomparable directions. If you have less and less in common, do you have to get divorced? Not necessarily. You can still love someone who is different. You can each pursue interests you like. You don't have to do everything together. You can't meet all your partner's needs and you can't be mad at him for not meeting all of yours. Many people expect that if someone loves you, they will know exactly what you need. They will be able to meet all your needs and they will have the capacity to make you happy all the time. That's simply not possible. You may sometimes feel that your husband is close when it comes to giving you what you need . Before you get all annoyed him. Ask yourself. Have I told him what I need? Or am I expecting him to read my mind? If, like many perfectionists, you feel that he should just know what you need without your telling him you are wrong, you need to speak up and let your husband or wife know what you want. When you mind read unusual. Presume that you are the cause off other person's bad mood. You hold yourself responsible, whether or not there is evidence that you have anything to do with it. The problem was, mind reading is that it is impossible to know what another person even you're supposed or closest friend is thinking a friend maybe upset about something that happened at work. But you take it personally because you are assuming she's annoyed that you were 15 minutes late when you met for lunch instead of trying to read your partner's mind, ask what's up. Say something like, I'm picking up that you seem irritated. Have I contributed to it? And if so, is there anything I can do to help you feel better? If you did play a role in his annoyance, you can talk about it and try to straighten things out. If you have nothing to do with it, give him space. It is easier to cope with someone else's bad mood if you understand it and know that you haven't contributed to it. 57. 56 Are you looking for a perfect partner?: in terms of personal relationships, Perfections are afraid of curing for someone and get hurt again. They award opening up to others, feeling that it ruined their relationship Perfectionists. Deeper need is control. Where everything is predictable and safe. They begin to focus on the negative aspects of the relationship and end up sabotaging them . They become preoccupied with people's shortcomings, often using all nothing language. For example, you never get a tried you always let me down. These are the voices they were brought up with on day unintentional plead back in relationships. They feel entitled to certain treatment, demand, respect and get excessively frustrated or angry when other people or the world is in general, doesn't measure up to the expectations. They like things to go the way they expect and generally don't appreciate surprises. Well near ability is important for building strong relationships off course. At first it may be scary, but instead of fearing to get hurt, try to focus on how to get close to another person while being yourself. Be careful was distorted conclusions thinking all or nothing. Give yourself time to get comfortable over time, it is easier to take reasonable risks in the relationship perfectionists. Fear of rejection in romantic relationships prevents him from trying to initiate relationships or making the first month unless he's certain that his interest will be reciprocated. Not only is the perfectionist concerned about being rejected, but she also has unrealistic expectations of potential partners. The only nothing mindset magnifies every imperfection into a deal breaker and prevents potential relationships from ever taking off on. Then, once the relationship takes off every bomb, every disagreement, every conflict is contest revised and experienced as a potential relationship ending threat . Perfect love does not exist. If we believe in perfect 12 it may prevent us from ever finding romantic partner, because we will always be waiting for that perfect person who is sensible and kind and flexible. And so one second, who may decide to enter a relationship with a partner who does not have the qualities of a saint or a philosopher was the feeling that we have compromised while continuing to seek cautiously or not, that perfect person when you label me believe that we have phoned the perfect partner only to feel profound disappointment and frustration when we discover our partners force Azzawi inevitably will. There comes a time in every long term relationship when we realize that our partner is not God's perfect gift to mankind. Inevitably, the same realization. Sooner or later strikes have a partner will become fully aware for the first time off each other's flaws and imperfections. For example, when we realize that our partner has a streak off anger that we never noticed before, or that he or she is gripped by insecurity and anxiety, and even though we all know and accept and paying lip service to the idea that no man is perfect facing the truth that our apartment is no exception to this rule can be shocking and frightening. At some point, Children understand that their parents are merely human. Hands float, and they suddenly feel more alone and less secure in the world. A partner may didn't come along and take the place of our perfect parent, but the partners, eventual and inevitable for from this perch of perfection can be more devastating. Tow us on our realization that our parents are only human. I was sense of judgment may be shaken as we realized that we were wrong about our partner when one or both partners wake up from the illusion of perfect love. Suffer a crisis of confidence in our own judgment, in the judgment of our partner. And in the future of the relationship, the crisis can signify eyes as the beginning off the end of the relationship or the beginning off Rheal Love. One way or another, relationship changes. It is transformed and can never be the same again. While not all the relationship should and can be sustained. While not all partners are compatible, the dissolution off most relationships is avoidable. It is necessary to accept that there are flaws in the partner, and in the partnership. Accepting force does not mean being resigned. Tooth, Um, a willingness by both partners to work on their failings is a prerequisite for a flourishing relationship. Before we start working to improve what needs to be improved, there has to be a fundamental acceptance that thes force exist. The perfectionists who has been forced to recognize that his partner is fort the shift from one extreme that his partner is perfect to another extreme, that his partner is completely fought when, for example, a perfectionist becomes aware of a jealous streak in his partner his perception of the partner me shift instantaneously from loving and caring toe obsessive and smothering. Human flows are effect off life. The expectations that would have a warm a partner must be realistic, or else they will lead to disappointment and frustration. While it is pleasant to be admired by your partner as the epitome of perfection, it is also liberating not to be placed on a pedestal. This feeling off liberation comes on Lee. If the loss of the illusion is replaced, was loving acceptance. Acceptance is not a call for mediocrity for compromise, but the project was it was a change mint off happiness on personal and interpersonal level . 58. 57 What do you expect from friendship: perfectionists give their friends a lot on expect a lot in return. This can set them up for disappointment. If I choose to do something for my friends that goes above and beyond the call of friendship, it is not fair to expect them to do the same. For me, it is hard sometimes when my birthday rolls around and nobody makes me cake. Um, I disappointed. Sometimes, yes, I feel a little let down. But then I remind myself why I do it. It is something that I like to do. It makes me feel good. I don't do it so that others will do it for me. Everybody has to set her own standards. If there is something you want to do for your friends, you have to own it and do it because it's what you like. Not so that it will be reciprocated. That's not to say you shouldn't expect anything from your friends. If they are true friends, they will be there for you. When you need some, they may not always bake you birthday cakes, but if there is a crisis, they are with you every step of the way. Perfectionists must be careful not to jump to conclusions about their friends. If you don't hear from someone for a while on jump to the conclusion that she's mad at you and doesn't want to talk to you, she's probably busy and stressed out on her. Silence has nothing to do with you. Try to keep your friendship balanced. If you try to do too much for or with your friends, it may drive them away and make them feel guilty and uncomfortable. If, like some perfectionists, you give your friends lavish gifts that they can't reciprocate, it can make the friendship feel uneven. People don't like to be in uneven relationships. Perfectionists often project onto their friends their own standards off. How to raise Children, keep hours or succeed in the career that gets friendship into trouble. You can love your friends, despite the fact that they have completely different feelings about politics or education. Sometimes outgrow friendships on. That's okay. You may feel that once you are someone's friend, you've got to remain friends forever. You don't have to. People change and lot experiences change. If you find that you are always calling someone who never calls you, it might be time to let go of the friendship if you would rather not, then discuss it openly and honestly with your friend asking like it doesn't call you, write an email if you would rather not do it in person. Maybe he's facing a problem you don't know about. Either way, try not to hold onto anger and resentment. 59. 58 How to overcome aggression and resentment? Assertiveness: And fiction is, are so focused on their future world that they don't see the big picture. They concentrate on what needs to be improved in their life, what they must do. They don't find time to step back and ask whether this is what they really want to do and believe in. If you have planned to go to an exotic vacation and marked every mile of the way on the map. It is possible that you will encounter unexpected difficulties, obstacles, and the need to take a detour. And although it will require little change of plans, do not let the obstacles and block your path. Yes, there may be many challenges in your way and you don't have to overcome them perfectly. May stumble along the way. Too much stress can prevent us from being who we want to be. When the level of stress is high, we tend to doubt our abilities and go back to the old ways of acting. Changes can scare anyone. Especially perfectionist, needs to know the outcome. Face your fears. One way to do this is to get used to the unusual. The easiest way to overcome fear is to put yourself in a situation when you do not feel 100% confident or call. Tried to make changes gradually, perhaps your family, friends, colleagues, and strangers won't react like you would wish them to. But if others get upset, complain about your changed behavior, unpleasant comments, or do something that hurts you, does not mean that you need to stop and return to your old habits. We need to be more attentive to our own needs in order to take care of others. For fiction isn't affects the way we communicate with others. Mean reacted and disapproving, judgmental and critical way when others don't meet our exacting standards. In our efforts to gain the approval of others, or in the fear that people might find us an interesting or unimportant. We may communicate in rather than non-assertive or passive way. This can result in not asking for what we want or need. Pretending to agree with others on actually we don't. Or perhaps thinking. Task when we would prefer not to, because we can't say no. Who might react defensively when we feel criticized. And that can come across as aggressive. Listening is a key part of communication. And because perfectionists are too often focusing on themselves, they often feel to listen effectively. Least tends to reduce self-confidence and leads to misunderstandings. Being assertive is about standing up for your own rights while respecting the rights of others. It is about direct, honest communication, about taking responsibility for your own communication and behavior. It is not being passive, which is putting conference all sorts. And it is not being aggressive, which is getting your own way no matter what. There are four general styles of communication. Aggressive, passive, passive, aggressive, and assertive. You can stand up for yourself and establish personal boundaries without resorting to aggression. Assertiveness is one way. It implies directly communicating your desires and needs in a respectful manner. Aggression implies communicating your desires and needs in a disrespectful manner. Passive behavior means suppressing your desires and needs so that another person is not offended. Passive aggressive behaviour entails indirectly communicating your desires and needs in a disrespectful way. It is very important to be decisive to assert your rights while still showing respect to others. If something is not to your satisfaction, you need not act aggressively. Don't quarter or raise your voice. Don't be passive or silent. Restraining rotation. And don't be passive aggressive. Saying something but sarcasm. None of these behaviors will bring anything could, either to you or to your companion. Standing up for yourself means expressing your desires. Result was and respectful of others. 60. 59 How to start changing your life?: our brain seems to favor the status core. Basically, the unconscious mind prefers to maintain things the way there you survived yesterday, so why do anything differently when something feels unusual? At first off, the many repetitions ceases to cause discomfort. It becomes the new norm. At first it's difficult. Then you adapt and master it on. Then it becomes automatic. In the beginning, everything new causes difficulties. It's like driving a car for the first time. Most people feel ill at ease. It doesn't mean that a new way of action was not suit you. It's just the very beginning off. One questing changes. It shouldn't be difficult. That means you are on the right track, but it comes to driving. The second stage is the time when turning the wheel and hitting the brake is much easier. But these actions require your attention. Gradually, the novelty dance off, but your actions are still conscious and require some effort. But these other stages who are more likely to give up new beginnings. It's normal to fear about how those around you respond. When you begin to change. Your habits and behaviors, make things easier for your family or general them. What's going on? Explain that you will be making some changes to improve the quality of your life. Describe the changes and share the reasons behind them. This is especially important if you will be asking them to take on more responsibilities. If you include them in your sort processes, they are more likely to give you the patients and cooperation you need to succeed. When people decide to change a negative habit, they often set out to make a huge change all at once. Incidentally, people decide to start exercising 90 minutes a day. Overweight people decide to those £100. Perfections are even more prone to this because of their tendency to give in tow all or nothing thinking. Try to resist the temptation to make too many changes at once. Go slowly as you work to move yourself away from perfectionism. Take baby steps, especially in situations that affect other people. Make one small change at a time. Not only will you make the transition easier for your family and friends, but you will be more likely to succeed. Research showed that so small changes tend to be far more successful than big, impetuous ones. don't give up if it's not working. If you try changing one area off your life and feel miserably, move on to another area. If you get stuck on some old perfectionist habit, ask yourself. How important is it? I would do so many things out of habit or because our parents did them that way, but was so seldom ask ourselves, was a really need to do something in a certain perfect way that letting go off a perfectionist habit will leave your feeling liberated and lighthearted. 61. 60 How to show empathy and listen to a friend adv: empathy allows us to put ourselves in the other person's shoes and to understand what the person truly needs. I am more likely to be empathetic to someone when I am truly listening to him without being distracted by thoughts about how to advise him. The foundation off effective therapy is not Onley intellectual sophistication at knowledge , but the ability to accept and to emphasize coming up with solutions to have friends. Problems may make us feel helpful and competent. It often has the opposite effect on the friend first. Offering solutions creates distance between two people on person is in the know and the other is in trouble, so the person being hoped feels inadequate, especially when he's already feeling weak. When we offer solutions, regardless of our intentions, the message often comes across as condescending and paternalistic. When we embrace and accept, we are telling the person I am with you. I care about you and you can count on me. Second, who are telling Kim I trust you. You are smart enough and competent enough to get service. In this case, your friend is more likely to feel understood and empowered. It is not always easy to refrain from giving advice, especially when y was people would care about. But a device is not always the best thing we have to offer. Usually, simply being there is enough. Ah, well, friend needs active acceptance most except be there for him on only then provide advice and suggest solutions. Thistles, where emphasis comes in, an empathetic therapist off friend senses when acceptance is sufficient and when it may be helpful to offer suggestions. While perfectionists are inclined to give advice and fix things to make things perfect again, they are equally disinclined to ask for advice or any kind of help. They need to act of the Oscar help to reach out, to show in it, to be vulnerable. Initially, it may feel awkward and difficult, but as it was any new behavior, one gets used to it. 62. 61 Are you afraid of aging?: nobody wants to each. But perfectionists struggle with the physical changes off aging because they can't control them. Three. Best strategy for coping was age related changes is to change what you can on except what you can't. You can't stop the aging process. Would you can, for example, where loads off sunscreen to prevent wrinkles. Eat in a way that reduces your risk of disease? Take necessary measures to maintain born strength on do aerobic exercise to boost your energy. There are some things in life that was simply can't control. That's a terribly hard concept to accept, particularly for perfectionists. Ultimately, you are not in control of your physical fate. It is extremely difficult to be diagnosed with a serious disease and have to face the fact that your body isn't perfect. When it happens, you feel that you have most all control over your life. You feel like your body has let you down. It is normal to feel that way. Millions off people take extreme measures, spending inordinate amounts of time, energy and money to reverse nature's course. While there is nothing inherently wrong, was trying to look younger and maintaining our physical fitness throughout our lives. There is everything wrong with refusing to accept and obsessively fighting the natural process of aging to lead happier, healthier and longer lives. We need to change our perception off aging by accepting reality for what it ease was over. Like it or not, we change over time in some aspects for the better in others, for the worst are all well aware off the downside, especially the physical downside of aging. But what we focus unless that aging provides us with tremendous intellectual, emotional and spiritual opportunities for growth. Growing old at times can bring about difficulties such as ill health. But it is equally true that there are potential benefits that come with age. What who are able to see and understand, know and appreciate. One of our 60 or 80 is different from what we're capable when we're 20 or 30. There are no shortcuts to mental and emotional maturity, wisdom, judiciousness, intelligence on perspective. Potential developed was time and experience. For those was negative perceptions off old age life becomes a battle against losing their use. I bet early cannot win. The outcome is inevitably frustration and unhappiness, or just when they become old. But when they are still young. In contrast, those who appreciate old age can derive much benefit from the national process off aging and growing. 63. 62 Why do you pretend to be happy?: perfectionists feel that they must suppress their emotional discomfort and be or, at the very least, seem happy. What's to hide our pain? Take a smile, put on a brave face and even most of what we see are perfect smiles displayed on other people's perfectly tanned faces. We begin to believe that you are the old ones out because we are sometimes set or lonely, or we don't feel as happy or as put together as everyone else appears to be. Not wanting to be the older one out to read the festive circus and reveal our shameful feelings will hide. Our unhappiness is our own mosque. When asked how we are respond was a wink and a smile. Just great people who have to smile for a living. Such a sales assistance and flight attendants were found to be more prone to depression, stress, cardiovascular problems and high blood pressure. Most people need to put on a mosque for at least part of the day. Basic human courtesy requires that sometimes corbeau emotions, whether they be anger or frustration or passion. The solution to this problem is sharing our feelings of the trusted friend or simply spending time alone in our room. Depending on our Constitution, some of us may need 10 minutes to recover from the emotional deception and others may need almost the King during the recovery period is to do away with pretense to be riel until, although ourselves to feel any emotion that arises. Much has been written and said about positive self talk or example repeating to ourselves. I am wonderful when we feel down. I am strong when going through a rough patch, or I am getting better every day in every way each morning in front of the mirror. The evidence that this sort of Pepto works is weak, and there are psychologists who suggest that it can actually hurt more than it can help. We need to honest, acknowledge what we're feeling at a given point when feeling down, saying I am really sad or I feel so torn ourselves or to someone we trust is much more helpful than declaring I am tough or I'm happy pretending that we're really happy when you are not contributes to depression, in putting on the facade to communicate to others that everyone is doing just great except for them, which makes them feel worse and even more determined to hide their pain by perpetually Harding. Our emotions don't give others permission to share their own. And in turn, their brave faces communicate to us that everyone else is doing great and if he consequently feel even worse and so we'll continue smiling our way. So the insincere dance off words and gestures engaged in a downward spiral of deception on depression. The quote for more emotional openness is not a call to wear our hearts on our sleeves, which is not always fitting or helpful. But there is a healthy middle ground between from disclosure and total concealment in response to a genuine How are you an occasional honest answer like it set or slightly anxious can help us and those around us fuel a little less set and more hopeful. 64. 63 What next? Who cares what happens next?: We fear the unknown. Desperately want to know what happened last summer or last night, or increased Doric times. We want to know what will happen next week and what the world will look like ten or 1000 years from now. We seek certainty in the present to know what our life is real about right now. More than bad news with fear, no news. And uncertain diagnosis often feels averse to us and a certain, albeit a negative one. We need to accept that with sometimes do not and cannot know. We need to embrace uncertainty in order to feel more comfortable in its presence. Then once we feel comfortable with our ignorance, we're better prepared to reconstruct our discomfort with the unknown into a sense of awe and wonder. It is about learning to perceive the world and our lives as a miracle unfolding. Normal sitting on the sidelines waiting for the perfect job, relationship, house, business opportunity, or waiting for the perfect time to begin writing that book. Retraining, going for promotion, or starting a family home for what you want in life. Take responsibility for your own future, making mistakes along the way, no doubt. But at least you've went for it. As you work to become less of a perfectionist, you will sometimes make mistakes, which will bring God the perfectionist. And you'll be patient with yourself. And know that slip-ups are part of the normal process of change. It takes us a while to change our ways. If you struggle, just pick yourself up and keep trying. Remember, practice makes perfect.