How to Build Long Lasting Relationships | SOMA MARTON | Skillshare

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How to Build Long Lasting Relationships

teacher avatar SOMA MARTON, Videography, Productivity, Health

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Watch this class and thousands more

Get unlimited access to every class
Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Lessons in This Class

9 Lessons (30m)
    • 1. Welcome!

    • 2. The best way to get a phone number

    • 3. Why you should ask for a favour

    • 4. How to become actual friends

    • 5. How to form a social circle

    • 6. The power of keeping tight boundaries

    • 7. Always give give give

    • 8. STOP shit talking

    • 9. 1+1 > 2??

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About This Class

Hi, I'm Soma

I want to talk about human beings for a sec.

Whichever way you look at it, humans are social animals.

Our brain evolved with communication in mind, and many scientists actually believe that human to human contact was one of the main drivers of our evolution in the first place.

On top of our biology, we’re also raised to make friends from day 1 – from our parents giving us playdates as babies, to being put into schools that encourage socialization, to the countless social activities available to all of us at work and in adult life.

Clearly meeting people & making friends in person is important.

But today, people don't.

Right now, in 2019, people have fewer friends than ever.

Modern society is lonely. Really lonely. It's gotten so bad that Psychology Today actually listed loneliness a "serious public health problem".

And the symptoms are getting harder and harder to ignore.



Panic attacks.

Twenty years ago, these were thought of as serious, rare issues.

Now everybody & their dog has them.

It's a byproduct of our infatuation with technology.

And while I'm not against technology, I am against people not knowing the basic social skills required to function in modern day society.

Let me put it this way: things have gotten bad, and they're continuing to get worse. And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

Put the two together, and clearly something has to change or we'll have a lot more on our hands than just anxiety.

That’s where I come in.

I’ve spent the last few years compiling every note, every video, every conference, and every presentation I’ve ever witnessed about meeting people and making friends...

and I want to share that information right here, right now.

I didn't always used to be this way. When I was younger, I struggled to make friends just like you.

In fact, I was probably worse. I got anxiety just asking people for the time.

But with conscious practice and effort, I’ve made it to a point where I have a huge network of amazing friends that inspire me and encourage me to do my best.

And I want to show you how to get the same.

Enter my course, How to Make Friends: The Definitive Guide to Meeting People


In this course, I’m going to teach you how to make more friends than you know what to do with.

First, I'll teach you a simple three-step formula that can start a conversation with anyone.

That's right. Anyone.

Big, multimillion dollar CEO? No problem.

The little old lady on the side of the road? You betcha.

Then, I’ll show you how to tinker that approach for unique situations – for example, making friends at work or over the Internet.

Then, I’ll show you the exact sequence of steps I use to set up my social media for networking and mass contacting. I’ll run you through how to get phone numbers & contact information. How to set boundaries. What to say when a friend pisses you off. Even how to save face when someone shit talks people right to your face.

I go through everything from a to z, and I poured my heart and soul into showing you exactly how to do it, no gimmicks. Plus, if you enroll right now, you’ll get a 30 day money back guarantee, so if for whatever reason my course doesn’t float your boat, you get 100% of your initial investment right back in your pocket. I made this course for you, because I don’t want loneliness to be a public health issue. I don’t like taking the bus and having everybody look quietly down at their phones. I don’t like awkward elevator rides. I want people in conversations, sharing ideas, and building relationships, and I’m sure you do too. So let’s get going.

Meet Your Teacher

Teacher Profile Image


Videography, Productivity, Health




Hello Skillshare! 

Thanks for taking the time to check out my teaching page! My name is Soma - I'm a professional videographer with a passion for social skills, online marketing, and health. I co-teach a bunch of courses with my talented colleague, Nick Saraev, and together we run a coaching company called Let's Improve.

A bit about me: my background is actually in molecular biology & health science, and I love tweaking my nutrition and optimizing people's health. I love watching my clients improve themselves, overcome obstacles, and gain confidence in their day-to-day life.

My goal on Skillshare is help as many people as possible learn about social skills, productivity tweaks,... See full profile

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1. Welcome!: Hi there. I'm showman. Today I want to talk to you about making friends first. Human beings are social animals. It's literally in our DNA. Our brains evolved, was communication in mind, and many scientists actually believe the human to human contact is one of the main drivers in human evolution in the first place. We've been rear to make friends from day one from our parents, giving us play date's babies to being put in school to encourage socialization. Teoh. Countless social activities available toe all of us at work, and they're in our adult lives. So why is it that right now in 2019 people have fewer friends than ever before? Why is it that mass survey after a mass survey tells us that the average human is being lonelier today than any time in the last 100 years? Psychology today called not having enough Friends East Serious Public Health issue. With depression and anxiety and panic attacks at an all time high, many people agree the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Clearly, something has to change if we want to improve our lives. That is where I come. I spent the last few years compiling every note, every video, every conference and every presentation I've ever witnessed about meeting people and making friends. What? How is younger? I honestly struggled, but with conscious practice and effort, I've made it to the point where I have a huge network of amazing friends that aspire and encouraged me to do my best. And I want to show you how you can get the same thing in this course. I'm going to teach you how to make more friends than you know what to do with. First will learn how to start a great conversation with anyone. Then I'll show you custom situations. How to make friends that work in class, on the Internet, at events even on random street corners. Which is, by the way, my favorite way to meet some. Then I'll show you the exact sequence of steps I used to set up my social media for networking and mass communication. I'll run you through how to get phone numbers and contact information, how to set up boundaries, what to say when a friend pisses you off, even how to say face when someone should talks to you right in front of your face. I go through everything from eight. Is that and I pour my heart and soul into showing you exactly how to do it with no gimmicks . I made this course for you because I don't want loneliness to be a public health issue. I don't like taking the bus and having everyone looked quietly down on their phones. I don't like awkward elevator rides. I want people in conversations, sharing ideas and building relationships, and I'm sure you do too, so let's get going. 2. The best way to get a phone number: Hey, guess, show my hearing in this video. I'm going to show you the best way you can get a phone number, both in person and online in person. Here's what I say 99% of the time to land a phone number, Really great meeting you. We should definitely keep in touch. Let me take you my phone number. Then I pull out my phone. They preload their number, and I'm on my merry way. The reason this is the best way to go about getting a number is because it gives you all of the power. If they were to get your phone number, it be up to them when to text you or call you to do anything. And in many cases they'll either forget or just good, too busy and you'll never see them again. But if you're the one to get their number, you can pick or choose who you want to text or call and at what time, and you have the opportunity to frame the interaction how you want to, in my experience that also appreciate the initiative as well. If you can show them that you're a go getter, people are much more likely toe Want to keep you around. This works especially well in business or networking scenarios. A good first text is John. It's Shoma Great to meet you last night. Let's talk a bit more about X next week. This does a couple of things first, it reminds them of who you are. People give up their phone numbers all the time. Telemarketers to potential dates to acquaintances. Jogging their memories a little bit helps avoid the subsequent. Who is this text that so many of us are familiar with? Then you follow up with a prompt to keep the conversation going. This gauges their temperature. Make a how likely they are to proceed with the interaction. If they say sure, then you can set a date and a time and move forward if they're busy or if they don't want to. Don't rate all set a reminder to text them two months from now and follow up with them. Life happens. Always give them another chance 3. Why you should ask for a favour: big as Shoma here and in this video, I'm going to show you a simple psychological trick that you can use to make people like you more. This is what I do almost every time when I meet somebody, and I want to get our friendship or relationship to the next level. Everything in this video rests on these psychological principle, first outlined in a 1969 paper called Liking a Person as a function of doing him a favor. Since then, the results have been replicated several times. But the basic idea is, if you ask somebody for a small favor early on in getting to know them, you accelerate the process off, building a relationship because of cognitive dissonance. If somebody had just met you, but they're already doing your favor, they basically tricked themselves or rationalize themselves into thinking I wouldn't have done this favor for the guy if I didn't already like him, would I? And that's what we're going to use to get close fast now. The important thing is the favor has to be small, and it has to be structured. Teoh People on Harvard Business Review recommend structuring your favor like this first you wanna literally say something like I have a favorite ask you, or there is a small favor I want to ask. This sets a sage and primes their cognitive dissonance. Then you provide a favor along with the reason. So could you copy your notes for me tomorrow? I have to take care of my cat, and I really can't make it to class. This helps to anchor the favor in reality, and by providing your reason, makes it much more likely that they'll complete it. Last thing is, you want to always give them a soft escape of some kind, just in case they can't do it. This, actually counterintuitively increases the chances that they will do the favor in the first place. Since you make the offer seem at least at first glance, significantly more gracious, so too, are note copying favor. We could ask if you can't help out. I totally understand, but I thought I'd ask and volatile once the favors over thank them graciously. I always like to give them a small gift or some chocolate to make up for it as well, as well as a lot of praise. This makes them feel good about helping you out and cement the idea that they did something significant for you, which again adds to the cognitive dissonance. All in all, everybody wins. You get something done for you. They get to feel gracious and both of you get to make a new friend. 4. How to become actual friends: a s shoma here. And in this video, I'm going to show you how to take a friendship from the acquaintance stage to a riel friendship. Now, this is a big gap that a lot of people struggled closing. And I actually had a friend just last week tell me that almost every time he meets someone you through networking, he ends up plateau ing in this stage, and it sucks. So I'm going to show you one really easy way to skip forward that phase, which I'm going to call the friend barrier. So I'm going to show you one really easy way to skip that awkward phase, which I'm gonna call the friend barrier entirely. And it's actually really simple. First, remember, don't be shy. You want them to be your friend, and there's no harm in showing it. Odds are they really want to be your friend, too. You're both cool individuals, and there's no sense in making the transition between acquaintance to an actual friend a weird thing, because really, it's not. All you have to do is to introduce them to one of your other friends. Boom. Problem solved. Because once you introduced them to another one of your friends. You instantly turned them into your friend because you gave them another point of contact. And they also have a new reference for what counts as an acquaintance in their eyes. What I mean by that is, if you're hovering on the barrier friendship with somebody, you're already pretty far along in the relationship. But the person whose friendship you want has nothing to compare it to them. You still fall under the acquaintance label because there are no other acquaintances around . But the second introduced them Teoh somebody else for the first time. Then the new person becomes the acquaintance and you get promoted to the friend status. You and your friends have more shared experiences than the other guy, so you become the default front in their eyes. I know this sounds easy in too good to be true guys, but trust me, it works every time. Just try it. In sociological terms, you're changing what's called a Diadora group of two people into a triad, a group of three people and a try. It is almost always significantly more stable with three people. You now have a tiebreaker on any issue you have a person who can defuse any stress or awkwardness if it comes up. And you also have somebody else that can offer their perspective on things which enriches the conversation and the relationship. Many sociologists actually consider a triad to be the ideal group configuration, which makes it perfect for us to get past the friendship barrier. I recommend doing this after your first hang out, because it's important to have some one on one time to gauge the right fit. For example, a pathway that you could take is one. Meet them at a networking event to go up for coffee or grab a beer. Three. Introduce them to your friends at a party or a sports event like rock climbing Once they met at least one of your friends. It's on to the next step, which is how to form a social circle 5. How to form a social circle: I guess Shoma here and in this video, I'm going to show you how to form a social circle with all those friends that you've been accumulating. This is really the bread and butter of being a popular person. So once you figure out how to do this, you'll never want for friends again. Once you're officially friends, the next step is introducing them to the rest of your friends and then getting them to introduce you to their friends as well. So think of this like the process of turning your diet into a triad than turning your tried into a te trod and then a pent at etcetera, etcetera. The more points of contact they have with your other friends, the stronger the connection and the more they'll grow toe like you as well, because you're what's called the connector. Malcolm Gladwell came up with this term several years ago in his book The Tipping Point. But toe, let me quickly summarize it for you. There are three types of people. There are the connectors, mavens and the salespeople. Connectors are socialites. They, as the name implies, connect people and are highly social mavens, arm or informational. They study law. They dive deep into various topics, and the often seem as though they are the source of knowledge and salespeople. Well, cell, they've I've well, they can hook people on any idea or a movement and get people to resonate with what they're saying. All three have their strength, but the connector is easily the most valuable because the connector has the ability to leverage other mavens and other sales people and other connectors in order to do things. I don't have to be a maven and study a certain aspect of political science for hundreds of hours to get ahead. I have people in my social circle that have already done that work and situated them themselves in those positions that I can lean on if I need something in that space. Likewise, I don't need to be a salesperson and sell anything because by being the hub that connects to so many different social networks, I sell myself. People want to get to know me, and by extension, the many people that I have access to the connector is a valuable title toe have being. The connector is basically being the person that opens all the doors for everyone else. You become the kingpin of opportunity which make people love being around you. This can be financial opportunities, career opportunities, ever, even relationship opportunities. But the idea is, the more people you introduce, the more spontaneous value get to create through their connections, and that value eventually precipitates upwards to you. Now the most powerful people in the world are connectors. I think politicians, CEOs, multi billionaires and more. And by joining that group, you increase your chances of success in every domain. Introducing people also helps you cement them into your social circle even more and increase the likelihood the deal. Stick around for a long while. Think of it like a Web, the mawr of the spider web that touches you this stick year gets. If you're touching this fighter, live with the tips of your fingers. It's probably not going to keep you very well, but if you've wrapped around it, there is a lot of surface area that touches you. You're going toe stick around much more. That's the same way of friendships work. The more friendships are all sticking to each other, the stronger and longer lasting they become, and a social circle is only a social circle. If it persists in time 6. The power of keeping tight boundaries: Hey guys, Shoma here and in this video, I'm going to show you how to maintain a strong friend, group and social circle by keeping type boundaries. Now I want to preface this with the fact that the majority of problems that people have in their relationships are because of their boundaries. Remember this. Most of the time, if you and a friend or butting heads, it's because one of you compromise your boundaries somewhere up the ladder of the friendship. And because of this, you now have conflict of terms. This conflict is what's causing your relationship to deteriorate. For example, you and your roommates started out as friends, and then over time he started leaving his dirty dishes in the sink mawr and more. But your friends, So you're afraid of confrontation. You put it off another day, but it's still really pisses you off. So to get back at him, you act a little more passive aggressively and start treating him differently. Then he picks up on it, and then you two just feed back and forth into each other until you're both super irritated . This happens all the time, and the main reason it does is because one of you is compromising on their boundaries because of the friendship. If her friend is doing something that you don't like, you need to voice those concerns almost every time. An exception is if it happens just once. Let's just say you tour on a road trip and they leave their chips by the car by accident. You don't really need to make it an issue. But if it's a re occurring issue, if it happens twice, orm or you need to keep a tight boundaries and bring it up. I mean, your friend can't read your mind. If something above the way they behave, it's pissing you off. They can't change unless you tell them and let them know verbally. Unfortunately, most people try and play the telepathy game. The act passive aggressive ads are changing their behavior is a result of their friendships infringing on their boundaries. Somehow, I suppose they think their friend should pick up on it and then change your behavior. But that never works. They start saying different things that start avoiding the person and so on, and the root cause of this is deep down, they're afraid of addressing themselves because they think it'll ruin the friendship. They don't want to offend their friend. But remember when we talked about abundance before? The difference with in abundance and scarcity is the impact the loss has on you as an abundant person. It is crucial you don't let your fears of loss effect the person you are and the boundaries that you hold dear passive aggressiveness is aches star City behavior being assertive, being abundant and letting them know in practical terms. Hey, John, I don't like it when you do this. I don't have a problem with it if you do it while I'm not around. But when we're together, it bothers me, is actually what's going to save your friendship, not ruin it. Because if you don't assert those things, eventually one of two things is goingto happen. Either you're going to start avoiding them, in which case the friendship ends or eventually bottled it up so long that it explodes one day, in which case the friendship ends, so be assertive. An additional tip when you're confronting a friend about something, is to make sure you focus on how you feel, know what they're doing. For example, if somebody keeps sexing and driving, and one of your boundaries is you don't like being in a car. When someone texts drives, Most people would tell them something like, Hey, stop texting and driving. That's really dangerous. Well, this is perfectly fine to say. It also fosters resentment in the other person. You're trying to tell them what to do, instead frame it in terms of your feelings. For example, Hey, man, I don't like it. When you text and drive, you start drifting all over the place. And to be honest, it really scares me. I don't mind it if you do it when I'm not around, but when you're with me, it really bothers me a lot. This approach spares your friends autonomy. It allows them to make the decision of not texting and driving on their own. 7. Always give give give: Hey, guys, Shoma here in in this video, I'm going to talk about service about giving first and foremost the most successful people in the world give They don't take the just give. Look at our Schwarzenegger, Bill Gates, the rock Jeff Bezos. I could go on and on. But all of these people are extravagant givers in both wealth and in love. Have you ever seen of the rock on social media? It's crazy, and rest assured that the most successful people on the planet are givers, not takers. So if you want to mirror or mimic their success, you have to give to, and this rests on double, and this goes double for your social life. Have a giving mindset. I always like to think of the ratio I tried to give at at least 70% of the time, whether it's physical gifts or more commonly, friendship, value or camaraderie and knowledge gifts. And I've really found that it's the best way to maintain an amazing social circle and have fantastic friends because people want to be around valuable people. It may sound kind of shallow, but that's just the truth of human nature. You want to hang out with people that are essentially better than you, whether it's emotionally because they make you feel good or in some other capacity. Now, that doesn't mean you have to drive yourself into homelessness for your friends. It doesn't mean you have to buy them every meal or give them cash every time they ask. But it does mean that your definition of friendship is one that should include the notion of having each other's back. It should always be beneficial to be friends with you. I make this a habit by always introducing my friends toe high value people. If I know a guy and finance, for example, and I have a friend that's trying to scale its finance, start up or get it going, I'll introduce a two because there's value in that connection and, yeah, it's a lot of work. I'm not going to lie. I spent a lot of time and energy on my close friendships and social groups. I spend the time counseling and giving advice and being there for other people. But human beings lived through their friendships and relationships are time spent on earth is measured by the impact that we have on other people's lives, so why not make an impact as fulfilling and powerful as possible? When you do this, you'll find rather, inevitably, that amazing opportunities will open up to you as well. Connections you'll never even realize you had are going to come out of the woodworks and change your life forever. And by giving, you'll be happier for it as well. On top of liking value. Human beings also like the act of giving value, making somebody's day be getting thanked and so on, so make sure you do as much as possible. 8. STOP shit talking: Hey guys, shoma here and in this video, I'm going to talk about one of the biggest detractors from a successful relationship, and it's called shit talking. I'll show you a practical way to deal with it in the SEC. But the golden rule of maintaining a strong social circle and just life in more general terms is to treat others the way you want to be treated. Do you like it when someone shit talks behind your back? Probably not. I don't either. So moving forward if someone is around you on Lee, say something behind their back that you're willing to say to their face. If your boss hands you an ugly assignment and it's going to take a long time and you're going to the bar with your friends and you just complain about what an ass he is, stop. Ask yourself. If my boss was right next to me, would I be saying the same thing? If the answer to that question is no, just don't say it. There is virtually no benefit to you or your boss. There is not even a benefit to your friends hearing about it because they'll know if this is how you talk about someone one. They're not around than What are you saying when they're not around? I mean, sure, I get it. Sometimes it's funny, but along with not having tight boundaries, this is the biggest reason people fail to have good social groups, Petty drama and toxic cultures are for other people, not you. This goes double for the workplace. You know, office politics. Stay out of them. There's no reason for you to engage yourself in that level of Pettiness, and you'll thank yourself for it. So I told you I'd share a practical way in dealing with this. And here it is, Inevitably, in life, people will should talk other people to your face. Most of the time, you will know the party being shipped talked. Sometimes you'll know them intimately instead of lowering yourself to that level. When it's your turn to talk, don't engage. Just say I see. That's it I see and nothing else. It's a statement of empathy. It says. I hear what you said. It shows understanding, but it also shows a subtle willingness to not engage in the shit talking. Instead of trying to one up whoever you're talking to like most people would do. It will politely say We're not doing this. And shortly after you say this, the shit talking will stop and remember this for other situations as well. If you don't want to engage or fire something back at someone that's behaving like that, just use a statement of empathy. Most of these people just want to be heard. They just want the validation and but empathizing you validate them while simultaneously distancing yourself from the problem. 9. 1+1 > 2??: Hey guys, shoma here and in this video, I'm going to talk about something a little peculiar. The title of this video probably made a couple of you go. What's what's that supposed to mean? And I actually did that on purpose. So let me explain. One plus one in normal mathematics equals two. We know this mom, I hope, from great school and general arithmetic. But in social dynamics, one person plus of one person does not equal. Just to it actually equals more. What I mean by this is the act of putting people together creates added value. Have you ever heard the phrase The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. That's the idea behind the connector. Now. I mentioned creating value where there was none before in the last few videos, but basically in terms of output or just productivity's or effectiveness or value. When you put two people together, the end result is a little bit mawr than any one of them could do on their own. This is for several reasons. One. Everybody brings something you to the table in conversation. In building relationships. Those unique experiences and different assets can come together and create something extra . This is why basically every big, super successful business that's around nowadays wasn't started by just one person. It was started by a partnership. Each person had a skill that was nice, but it couldn't move mountains on its own. But when they combined that skill with their partner or partners, they were able to break through that threshold and create something amazing. The second reason one plus one equals more than two is because something called network effects a network effect in economical terms is the effect that an additional user of a product or service has on the value of that product or a service to others. Basically, you are a group of one. You alone have a certain amount of value to other people, whether that's a skill, experience, money or aesthetic prowess. The more people in your group, the more connections each individual in that group has available to them because they can leverage to connections of other people in the group to get them cool stuff, business opportunities, friendships, relationships, etcetera as you get mawr and more people in that group say tan or 15 people. Eventually you get to the point where your group itself and not just the individuals in that group but the actual concept of the group has a lot of value to other people because of its potential to connect and because of the social proof you get from being part of it. So other people want to not only meet the people in your group to take advantage of those opportunities, which were already talked about, but because the group has taken on its own meaning kind of like a life of its own. They also just want to be part of something bigger than themselves. And you'll see this when you get to the point where you're running your own social circles of 10 plus people. Others on the periphery will want to be part of your club, and that has value on and of itself. This is what I meant by one person, plus one person Equalling mawr than two people. Also, I want to stress this. This is an exponential relationship. The more people you have, the more unique experiences everybody brings, the more network effects we get to take advantage of, and ultimately, the mawr. Everybody benefits when your group says gets bigger and bigger. You'll see that every additional person that enters the group adds mawr and mawr value to the person before it. This is the biggest reason why I love meeting as many people as I dio because of the insane amount of added value I get from having another eat social circle. And after this course, it's going to be one of your best friends to once you've made it to this point, which, by the way, many have you should be able to get to within 3 to 6 months of using this method we talked about before. You'll find that success comes easily not just in your social circle but in your romantic and business life as well.