Dealing With Criticism: The Assertive Way | Lucia Grosaru | Skillshare

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Dealing With Criticism: The Assertive Way

teacher avatar Lucia Grosaru, Psychologist. Assertiveness Advocate.

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Lessons in This Class

12 Lessons (59m)
    • 1. Lecture 1. Introduction

    • 2. Lecture 2. About The Course

    • 3. Lecture 3. What is Criticism?

    • 4. Lecture 4. Roles of Criticism

    • 5. Lecture 5. Forms of Criticism

    • 6. Lecture 6. Reactions to Criticism

    • 7. Lecture 7. The Assertive Strategy - Introduction

    • 8. Lecture 8. Stage 1 - The Attitude Toward Criticism

    • 9. Lecture 9. Stage 2 - Analyzing the Critical Message

    • 10. Lecture 10. Stage 3 - Responding to Criticism

    • 11. Lecture 11. Assertive Communication Techniques

    • 12. Lecture 12. Conclusions and Final Recommendations

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About This Class

Step-By-Step Strategy to deal with Criticism and protect your Self-confidence and Self-esteem.

Manage Criticism Effectively through this Assertive Communication Strategy.

What you will learn:

  • Use assertiveness techniques to deal with criticism in personal and professional communication contexts.
  • Know how to prepare your mind to assertively receive criticism.
  • Analyze the critical messages from an assertive perspective.
  • Formulate assertive responses to criticism.
  • Identify the main roles of criticism.
  • Identify the main forms of criticism.
  • Discriminate between passive, aggressive and assertive reactions to criticism.

Unlock the mindset that allows you to live a more authentic, independent and satisfying life.

Largely accepted as the most efficient mindset and communication style, Assertiveness provides the best guidelines we know for dealing with most personal and professional contexts. Management of criticism makes no exception.

The 3-Stage Assertive Strategy exclusively presented in this course addresses the entire process, from thoughts to emotions to behaviors, and aims at providing a framework in which the individual thrives and transforms negative feedback into a powerful self-development tool.

Meet Your Teacher

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Lucia Grosaru

Psychologist. Assertiveness Advocate.


Lucia Grosaru is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist with 10+ years experience in Assertiveness Training. She is the founder and author of the Psychology Corner blog where she mainly writes about Critical Thinking and Communication Skills.

Thousands of people have attended her online courses and live events and one of her main goals is to help people develop their inner potential and achieve their personal and professional goals through methods that promote self-awareness,  personal agency, authenticity and independence.

Prestigious publishing houses, such as Cambridge University Press, and authors have invited her to review their psychology and neuroscience books and she has also collaborated with other professionals in these fields to produce personal develo... See full profile

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1. Lecture 1. Introduction: criticism happens to all of us. It occurs in both personal and professional context, and it can leave us feeling upset, angry or emotionally drained. Criticism may take a toll on your self confidence and self esteem levels, as well as block your ability to act and change the context in the direction of your goals . But things can be different. You can respond to criticism in a way that allows you to claim and protect your rights interests and emotional well being, a way that does not the rule, your self confidence and self esteem, and that can even enable you to use the critical message. In order to thrive and cultivate your skills, you can turn criticism into a powerful self development toe. The method that enables this result exists, and we call it assertiveness. Dealing with criticism in a non passive, non aggressive, non manipulative way can make the difference between growth and giving up between inner energy and inner numbness between action and stagnation between dependence and independence , achieving your goals or letting them go. I am lucha grow sorrow and I will be your guy through the course. This is dealing with criticism. The assertive way. In the following lectures, I will show you how to use the assertive mindset and strategies in order to manage external and internal criticism in a way that allows you to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Act according to your values and express your opinions openly focus on the things that really matter to you and silence the critical noise. That box, your personal growth and the achievement of your goals maintain and even boost your self esteem and confidence levels. Break free from toxic in directions and enjoy healthier relationships. You will learn how to respond to criticism in a mode that takes the minimal emotional toll or even know Tal at all. Deal with criticism assertively, and you will be able to live a more authentic, independent and satisfying life. If you are ready to activate this changes, then join me in the next lecture. 2. Lecture 2. About The Course: In this course, we will address the management of criticism from an assertive perspective. But before I tell you about the structure and goes off the scores, let's take a moment and clarify what assertiveness actually is so that we will have a common understanding regarding the concept. Assertiveness is the complex ability to think emotionally react and acting a non passive nonaggressive way. It allows the person to openly express their opinions and feelings, act according to their own values and goals. And all of this is being achieved for methods and strategies that take both your rights and the rights of others into account. As the multidimensional concept, assertiveness is simultaneously a set of skills that refers to cognitive, emotional and behavioral elements, a communication style including verbal and non verbal aspect, as well as the regulation of inner speech and the type of behavior meaning that it refers to actions that projected the assertive principles and traits into the social world. Dealing with criticism in an assertive way requires appropriate configuration on all of these levels, communities emotional and behavioral, and this course will help you create and activate most of the features in a step by step approach. You can benefit from the strategy presented in this course, regardless of your previous knowledge and assertiveness. If you are already familiar with the assertive values and principles, then this course will provide you with a more structured view upon the subject of criticism in the available actions in his management. If you are just starting out to discover assertiveness, then this course will introduce you to main benefits off this complex skill. We'll provide you with a strategy that you can apply right away in order to trigger the first assertiveness, different changes and perhaps even motivate you to take on a more in depth approach, off assertiveness, training and the achievement of your goals. Through this highly efficient method, assertiveness promotes authenticity, self confidence, self esteem and the accomplishment of significant goals in ways that do not generate unpleasant effects for others. For the way it mediates the inner dynamic, both at cognitive and emotional levels, for the way it guides one's actions and for how it shapes healthy relationships, assertiveness is largely accepted as the most efficient mindset and communication style that is available to us. This is what makes assertive principles the most efficient guidelines in dealing with criticism as well. So this is the reasoning behind my trace of method. Now, in what regards in the course structure, we can consider it to have two main parts an introductory and merely theoretical segment in which we will set in the general context of criticism what it is. It's rolls regarding both the individual and society, its forms and how they get delivered to us. And we will also address what efficient and inefficient reactions to criticism look like. The second part is a practical segment in which I will show you a step by step, assertive strategy for dealing with most critical messages that come your way. That strategy will cover the process from start to finish from how to mentally and emotionally prepare for criticism, how to analyze the critical messages and how to actually respond to them and activate their constructive potential. I will also include three specific, assertive techniques to manage both justified and unjustified criticism at the end off that course section. It is my goal that at the end of this course, you will feel more prepared and confident to deal with critical messages and get the new understanding off the ways in which you can turn even less than desirable context into opportunities that help you thrive and better your skills. Oh, and just a heads up. If at this point you think that dealing with criticism in an assertive manner is a complicated task to achieve and would rather give up or leave it for another time, then perhaps I should tell you hear that assertiveness already resizing us? You already are assertive, just like we all are. Innate Lee, passive and aggressive as well. So, in the end, is just a matter off rediscovery and the intentional activation of the assertive traits I do encourage you to take this bold step outside of your prison comfort zone and get to know what your life can look like when you act on your natural assertiveness. After all, you are here watching this, right? So I think it is safe to infer that you already think that you need this change in your life. See you in the next lecture 3. Lecture 3. What is Criticism?: what is criticism. Criticism is a normal occurrence in our lives. It's something that comes without being social beings, who present themselves to the world and who are also capable off self analysis. Criticism surrounds us, but at the same time is a significant part of our inner mental life. Criticism is usually used in a negative way in relation to judgments that point out faults or flaws mainly things that are not or do not go as one would expect or desire. But actually the term in the general sense refers to both negative and positive assessments . Critics analysis can return both positive and negative aspects of the situation or context there, judging and passing judgement is not always a bad thing. In literary or art related context. Criticism is in itself a form of art, given the many skills and domain specific knowledge the person needs to display and using their activity. The person criticizing in formal or informal contexts separates the elements, often object they're assessing and decide upon their characteristics, using both objective and subjective criteria. It is the general sense of the term that we will be using in addressing the subject of criticism throughout this course to summarize for the purpose of this course, we will consider criticism as an assessment of something, a process that can result in both pointing out the positive and negative aspect of the object being assessed. Criticism is any sort of evaluation that is sent our way, no matter whether it s praised or negative feedback in orderto address it in a more practical and specific manner. We will also take a look at the role forms and types of criticism and generate the strategy that can help us deal with the less than desirable critical messages and at the same time enable us to identify and use the valuable content when value can be assigned. So let's continue by addressing the main roles criticism holds in our lives. 4. Lecture 4. Roles of Criticism: rolls off criticism. Criticism is a valuable tool that can be used for the regulation off both interpersonal and inter personal aspect. But just like any other tool, it can be used for both good and evil, so to speak, in the sense that it's intended or expected effects can be both positive and negative. But what's the purpose of criticism? Why do we use it? And how does it influence our internal world and the way in which we interact with others? Among the main roles and general effects of criticism, we find the following criticism allows us to understand how other people see us and at the same time, how we see ourselves since often we are the source of the criticism that is aimed at us. It provides fresh perspectives. We can use the content of criticism, toe address, Ah, whole new aspect of a situation, maybe something that we did not see until now, or that is hidden from our perspective. Due to the fact that we cannot be objective observers of our own traits, it invites self analysis and analysis of various contexts and relationships. Critical messages can direct our attention towards things that required this careful and intentional observation criticism can boost motivation. When the content of the critical message is significant to us, we can decide to act and modify what we think or do in order to get different and often better results when used in a constructive manner. Criticism can help with relationship regulation and personal and social growth. These are all positive roles and effects of criticism. This happens when it is used for good by both source and receiver. On the negative side, criticism can be used to discourage and provoke a wide range of negative emotions. It can be used to manipulate others into believing or doing something that serves the manipulator in high amounts. Critical messages can be motivate the person receiving them. When you get too much criticism regarding one of your actions, goals or believes, you may lose interest in pursuing or expressing them. When highly aggressive individuals use criticism, it can become a serious form of harassment or abuse. This is what mainly happens when criticism is used for evil. The good news here is that negative forms of criticism will most likely produce moderate effect or no effect at all for those individuals who are rather prepared to receive criticism in an assertive way. You can actually learn how to create a water oil reaction between your thoughts and emotions and the critical messages that have the potential to negatively influence you. You can activate the mindset that is powerful enough to deal with criticism and not allow it to negatively influence your thoughts, emotional reactions or motivation to achieve your significant goals. You can learn to respond to criticism in a non passive, non aggressive and non manipulative way. This course will provide you with the information you need to achieve that. 5. Lecture 5. Forms of Criticism: forms of criticism. Criticism is delivered in many forms. Some of them are easy to spot and identify, while others use covered the ways of expression. In this lecture, we will take a look at the main forms in which criticism finds its way to us by source. Criticism can be internal. We call this type self criticism when you yourself criticize something about you or external, when someone else criticizes something about you by intent and effect the categories that are most significant for the prison course we have positive feedback, which we called constructive criticism and negative feedback or destructive criticism in our everyday interactions. It is this destructive form that we mainly label criticism, intent and effect also characterize criticism into justified and unjustified forms, which we will discuss later in this course. When we consider whether words are being used or not. In the delivery of criticism, we discover verbal and non verbal criticism. Criticism can also be direct when someone is conveying the message directly to you for indirect, when you deduct the critical message from actions that do not necessarily seem related to you. At the first glance, indirect criticism often uses passive aggressive methods of delivery, such as messages that appear to be compliments but actually hide an insult or are based on a negative assumption. General observations about some people or many individuals that are actually about you without directly referring at you also fall under this category based on the type of communication and behaviors engaged in the delivery of criticism. We have assertive criticism, considerate delivery, positive intention, no aggressiveness involved. It allows development to occur based on the critical content, manipulative criticism on aggressive form of criticism used to change the targeted persons , beliefs, emotions or behaviors. In order to serve the manipulators, purpose delivery can be positive or aggressive, whichever the manipulator considers best for their strategy to achieve their goals, aggressive criticism or hostile criticism. This form of criticism is openly aggressive, and its aim is to hurt rather than communicate personal effects full under this category. With this, I conclude the segment about forms of criticism. These are the main ways in which critical messages are being delivered. This is the how when we talk about what is being criticized and the manner in which the critical analysis is being conducted, then we have types of criticism. The types of criticism are diverse and do not make the object of this course. The subject itself is interesting, though among frequent types of criticism, I mentioned here logical criticism when a new idea, an argument or a cognitive algorithm is being criticized as not being rational. Factual criticism refers to the evidence supporting effect and practical criticism addresses whether something works or not. There is also anesthetic criticism also frequently used, which is concerned with whether something is beautiful, tasteful, Cilician or not. 6. Lecture 6. Reactions to Criticism: reactions to criticism. I think it is safe to say that none of us enjoys receiving negative feedback even when we realize its benefits. Criticism is not something we look forward to. It is easier for us to accept praise. Although many people find even positive feedback a difficult thing to deal with, then to accept that people may not be happy with something we do. But how we react to criticism is often a direct mirror off. What happens inside of us. Our mindset and overall dinner dynamic will generate our emotional responses, associative thoughts and subsequent actions. When we deal with criticism, a predominantly passive mindset and behavioral style will determine rather passive reactions such as irrational, unjustified fear, unjustified or accentuated shame. You know, Dick Chrissy, or guilt or defensive attitude and responses. The mainly passive individual may also react with an emotional after burst, especially if they've been holding back and primarily avoided toe address criticism for a long time. Passive responses do not provide the best criticism management, mainly because the person would basically just join the critic in putting them down. This may chip away at their self esteem and self confidence, and even blogged the resources that they could use to make the situation better. Passive individuals with rather dwell on thinking about the mistake and lose focus off the solutions available to them. When criticized, someone who is primarily aggressive may respond with anger or hate. They may counter attack, were simply dismissed, the entire critical message manipulators or passive aggressive individuals. We try to hide or distort their reactions in orderto either undermine the credibility of the victim or to make them believe that they're handling things differently than they actually are. Aggressive responses are not a desirable way to deal with criticism, since they prevented individual to analyze and deal with the situation in a healthful manner. Opportunities may be lost and the context can even escalate. The conflict, primarily assertive individuals may feel justified. Fear, when confronted with criticism and justified reveled as a result of unjustified criticism. But they are mainly capable off managing their emotions and not let them reach overwhelming intensities. They would also be able to critically analyze the context and the message and come up with a response that is rather aimed toward personal and relational growth and would not escalate the conflict. Assertive persons no and protect their rights, their values and goals and act in such a way that does not infringe the rights of others. Assertive management of criticism facilitates and supports personal and social well being. In the following lectures, I will show you how to assertively address critical messages and how to prevent in the main negative effects of criticism in your personal and professional life. A word of caution. Most daily contexts are fit for an assertive approach, but there are also situations in which the assertive strategies are not recommended and can even escalate the conflict. If you find yourself in a violent relationship, regardless of where this violence comes from, others may act violent toward you, or you yourself may have a history of violence, then do not use the techniques presented in this course or in any other materials on assertiveness. To directly address the situation in these cases, please contact the professional to help you deal with the issue in a specialized manner. Assertiveness training may be part of the process, but it is not in the proper way to directly address violence situations, so please seek the proper assistance. If you are dealing with a violent context. Thank you for watching the lecture till the end. It is important to me to fully convey this message. 7. Lecture 7. The Assertive Strategy - Introduction: how to deal with criticism as we've seen earlier. Some strategies are more efficient than others in dealing with criticism as well as with other segments of life. Assertiveness provides the most efficient way to manage the majority of personal and social situations through methods that consider both are reasonable interest and the reasonable in the rest of others, preventing the infringement of rights pertaining to either party. But what do we want to achieve through the assertive management of criticism? Well, first of all, we aim at regulating in the sense of minimizing the emotional toll and the subsequent behavioral consequences, silence the nonsensical, useless critical noise and retain Onley the significant information contained by the critical message. Maintain good levels of confidence and self esteem, discriminate between toxic and healthy social interactions, and decide regarding our involvement with each of them using the critical message in order to thrive and develop our skills. To achieve all of this, we have to involve the cognitive, the emotional and the behavior of processes in the actual management. Off criticism. The assertive strategy proposing this course addresses all these levels and is comprised off 11 steps clustered in three main stages the attitude towards criticism in which we will address the mental preparation for assertively receiving negative feedback. This will also impact the emotional responses, the analysis of the critical messages in which I will show you how to assertively approach this type of content and discover whether it is part of the significant information for the critical noise and the response, stage or phase in which we will discover the options available to us in matter of actions that we can take to unlock the personal development potential. Off the critical message. These three stages of the assertive management of criticism can help you develop efficient responses for most types of criticism, and you can apply them in both personal and professional contexts. In the next lecture, we will address the first stage, the assertive attitude toward criticism you there. 8. Lecture 8. Stage 1 - The Attitude Toward Criticism: attitude, the word criticism. This stage is all about preparing your minds to deal with criticism both positive and negative feedback. So here are my five recommendations. Get comfortable to the idea that criticism is a normal part of life. Providing and receiving negative feedback is something that occurs in both personal and professional contexts, and we cannot just turn it off. The key resides in how we deal with this part of life, how we use its content and the degree in which we let it influence our emotions, goals and actions. I recommend that you consider and accept the road criticism holds in personal development contexts and choose to rather focus on those aspect rather than on the less desirable possible outcome. It's not within our power to control the messages. Others send our way, but we can definitely decide upon our use of those messages and regulated the effects they have in our lives. Keep in mind that this entire criticism management strategy is mainly about you. What you think about criticism, the meaning and interpretation you provide for each critical message and the results and implications you project for them. Don't try to analyze the critics motivation or the first North history factors that may have led to this type of behavior and communication that would be about them. Their personal question findings. We can join others in this type of analysis Onley if they ask for us to do so, and our input would only be an external view regarding their behaviors. But otherwise it is not for us to analyze this personal aspect. And in the context of this strategy, it would rather be a waste of resources to try to focus on the external cause rather than on the internal response. Even if we would manage to deal with the one external source, a work colleague, for example, may decide to stop criticizing you for unjustified reasons. You will still encounter other people who may at any time send unjustified criticism your way, and you would have to deal with those situations in another fashion. This is why I recommend you consider your own internal world and your social expression of it, instead of trying to figure the other one out. Don't hate it. A critic. Even if you hate the message, people are entitled to their own opinions. Flowed or not, we cannot demand that others only think highly of us and accept and admire everything we do . We are different and entitled to our own different opinions and decisions. We are each responsible for these decisions and actions. But other than that, a message or an opinion does not equal an individual. What someone thinks of you is not what defines them as individuals. So even though we may have our sympathies and prefer the company of some people rather than others, we should not fall victims off this bias, thinking that if someone's message makes us feel bad, then they themselves must be bad as well. Acknowledge the fact that your reaction is related to the message, not the person sending it. This will allow you to deal with justified criticism efficiently and communicate with the critic in order to use the content and better yourself. Here, you may think that the don't hate the critic recommendation should be disabled in context, where their intentions are obviously negative toward you. Remember that we are talking about criticism, not conflict mainly words, attitudes, gestures rather than complex physical actions that the assertive strategy is about acting in the sense off the significant and letting go off things that only wasted resources. You hating the critic, even if they conveyed unjustified criticism to you is a waste of resources. I'm mostly but also emotional and cognitive resources. There is no growth potential in your decision to hate the critic. We admitted unjustified criticism. There are other ways, better ways to deal with this, as we will see later the responsibility for your actions, your mistakes included. We all make mistakes or act in ways that do not trigger the desire, the results. It's a given. We would on Lee have a perfect score of doing things if we decided not to do anything at all, and perhaps not even then, because we may think about things and have a flawed thinking pattern. So I recommend that you come to terms with the fact that you are not perfect. No one is, and that is OK. What we can do here is change the way we think about mistakes. First of all, they are your actions, just like the great actions that bring you the Gloria's results owned them. Also acknowledge that you are not your mistakes and finally reconsider what the mistake is to you. We tend to use the word with a direct negative connotation, which Barisan it's internally. But mistake is just the label for inaction we perform, and that does not trigger the result we expect or hope for in technical context. This can be observed and addressed in an algorithmic fashion, but in subjective context, there is no actual right or wrong way to do things. There is no right way to show your love in a relationship, no wrong way to convey your support for someone just different ways in which we do all of these things. Some may trigger better results than others, but there is no decisive right or wrong approach to most personal contexts. In this context, you can even decide to eliminate the mistake label altogether. Don't demand perfection. Accept the death critical messages, just like any other messages may take many forms. So method and others just because someone is not formulating their criticism in the best manner possible or does not deliver it in the most supportive way. That does not mean that the content should be dismissed or that their intention is a bad one. Sometimes a great gift may be contained in an apparently sloppy rapper To summarize this section in order to prepare your mind for receiving all types of criticism, do the following except that criticism is a normal in Aaron part of life. Remind yourself that you have the power to decide the type of effect criticism has in your life. You can either focus on its destructive potential or you can discover the growth opportunities hidden in it. Sometimes they're even hidden in plain sight emotionally react to the message, not the messenger. Your thoughts should also focus on content, not delivery, except that you're perfectly okay not being perfect. Finally, since you're not perfect, don't demand perfection from others. Delivery of criticism included with the repetition, the steps included in this stage will become automated and will become a part of the assertive mindset that provides both lenses and resources to deal with most life context and generate solutions that take both your well being and the well being of others into account. In the following lecture, we will address the ways in which we can analyze the critical messages in order to devise a course of action 9. Lecture 9. Stage 2 - Analyzing the Critical Message: analyzing criticism. Now that we have a mind ready to receive negative feedback, it is time to analyze the actual critical message in order to make further decisions. Make sure you have older data. Don't act on hearsay. Don't react in the middle of criticism delivery. Listen and wait for the entire message to be conveyed. Asked for clarifications if needed, especially when confronted with non verbal or indirect criticism. Gather additional data so that at the end of this process, you will have an accurate content to base your reaction on and to inform your future decisions. If the criticism is to general or vague, ask supplementary questions and request more specific information so that you will only address that piece of content you can directly ask without criticizing the other ones. Lack of precision in return What the criticism is actually about. Keep in mind that feedback, positive and negative can be distorted by a variety of factors. We see reality through a variety of lenses. Our cognitive processes are affected in various degrees by diversity of distortions. Regardless of our intellectual capacities, our senses do not provide the most accurate information about the external world either, so We are, in general, left with a reality based on the limitations off both our senses and our perceptive and analytic processes. Throw personal, biological various and subjectivity in the mix, and it becomes pretty difficult to claim or even hope, that your version of reality is the most accurate or the more valuable way off perceiving things. The same happens to criticism. It is a result off float processes. Therefore, in the end, it can only be a floor, the result itself. I am not saying that based on this realization, we are to dismiss any critical messages as being inaccurate and in a totally flawed. There are many factors that create a closing of description of reality, and perhaps many of us could agree on it. But I say that we should pay attention to the quality of feedback and not consider any singular assessment as having an absolute value off truth or validity. See whether several sources can be used to verify the quality off the critical message. Do you get the same type of criticism often does The criticism coming from several external sources refer to the same thing? Is the critic usually a reliable source Now there are situations in which a single person manages to observe a certain aspect of a situation, and even a one time criticism may turn out to be valid. But usually things seem to present themselves in clusters or patterns, and we should refer to them when analyzing critical messages as well as other life context . Criticism may be distorted intentionally or in an unintentional manner by a variety of factors, such as the emotional state of the critic or their interest and perception regarding the person they're criticizing. They may be in competition with this person, jealous or simply joking and throwing a critical message in the indirection. They may also be trying to exert control or deliberately manipulate the other person. However, as I was saying previously, it is not for us to discover the cause is related to the critics background. So for this point off, the analysis this keep in mind that what you hear or see may not be the actual message. Someone is trying to convey that it may be partially or completely altered. Focus on what is being said, not on how is being said. Sure, you can consider the style of the criticism. Is it delivered in a nice, considerate manner or in a aggressive, inappropriate mode? But what it actually matters is the content of criticism since positive feedback and be offered in a less than perfect and even clumsy way and negative feedback can be wrapped in nice words. The style of criticism is not necessarily one of his relevant features, so focus on what the person is saying rather than on how he or she is saying it decide whether criticism is justified or not. This is a critical step in the analysis stage, assessing whether a critical message falls under the justified or unjustified category. The result of this step will determine your future decisions and actions. So how can you tell whether the criticism you receive is justified or not? There are several things you can take into account while assessing this aspect. Let's take a look at them so basically constructive criticism is aimed at helping you better your skills or assist a relationships development. Therefore, constructive criticism will refer to things that you can change not fixed traits. So if someone criticises your handwriting, for example, supposing you are the one responsible with the hand written thank you note in the office, then that would be constructive criticism. You can better your calligraphy if they would say, Oh, you're left handed, Not so stupid, then that would obviously be destructive criticism, since that is your dominant hand. Constructive criticism is about what you do and the results of your actions, not about who you are. So criticism related to gender, age, race, physical appearance and similar things is never justified. Criticism moving on criticism that is delivered in a vague on specific manner is most likely unjustified. General observations or indirect formulations are usually not considered justified. Criticism. Using the handwriting example again, vague criticism could be delivered in the following manner. Some people have terrible handwriting, and yet they still get jobs that require it. These things make up the image of the company. You know constructive criticism is specific or can be chiseled until it gets specific. The letters seem a bit shaky, and the text is truly leaning to the right. Can you please the rewrite that these three notes right here? Another thing to consider is whether the criticism is aimed at modifying a context for the better or whether there simply is no development of value in it. This is where you consider the intention of the critic. Is the criticism intended to help or to simply put you down? If it's helpful, is justified if it only aims to hurt you unjustified. After you've decided whether the criticism is justified or not, select the critical messages which you want to address and respond to. Not all critical messages bear the same significance, even if they're all justified. Not all things that you can address in your life have to make it on your priority list. Selected those messages that have meaning for you, in which you can relate to main goals and values. Address those first. We do not have the resources to solve everything all the time, so you can choose not to respond at all toe unjustified or false criticism. You can imagine this step of the strategy as a game of catch with a regular baseball for 10 Hizbollah, etc. Someone throws the ball at you. You catch it and get to decide whether you play and throw the ball back, in which case you need toe. Also decide upon the intensity and trajectory of your throw or if you just stop the game, their place, the ball in the pavement and leave. Let's now move on and see how you can respond to those messages that you deemed as worthy. 10. Lecture 10. Stage 3 - Responding to Criticism: the response, please. Although this part is what you probably had in mind first, when considering the topic of this course, How do I actually formulate my response to a critic? This face is actually the last one in the strategy. Its content and the way it unfolds are based on the results of the previous stages, your attitude towards criticism and the critics as well as your analysis regarding the content off the critical message. They all come into effect here in the response face. This is what I meant when I said How we respond to criticism is a mirror off what happens inside of us. If we start with a primary assertive mindset and view upon criticism, we are more likely to decide and formulate an assertive response. So now it's time to decide that bond, formulate and deliver your message. A lot goes on in completing the response phase, and the list of recommendations that I'm about to present may seem intimidating at first. But please keep in mind that change is a step by step process and that we each have our own pace in assimilating and implementing personal development strategies. I will also mention here that many of the steps included in this strategy will Onley require your intentional effort for a certain amount of time, and then they will become automated, and it will be easier for you to casually respond in an assertive way to not only criticism but various life contacts and challenges. The aim off this specific step is to come up with a resolution that takes both our rights and the rights of others into account. You stand up for yourself, act in a way that benefits you and your goals, but at the same time display consideration and understanding for the values, desires, needs and goals of the other person. So here is a list of things for us to consider when formulating assertive responses. Acknowledge and accept the criticism in the beginning of your response phase. Let the other one no, that you did hear it or read it you received in the message. You can validate the critics perception and emotions by saying something such as. I understand that you are upset about this thing, or I can see why you consider this not to be my best work or something similar just to let them know that you understand their concern and how it affected them emotionally. If that is the case, show empathy, consideration and understanding when formulating your assertive message. Also, remember that accepting is not the same thing as agreeing. You accept that they have a view and respect the right to express it openly. But at the same time you reserve your right toe, hold a different opinion or view. Don't try to change the critics mind when dealing with criticism. It is not about being right or making people see things your way and cancel their critical remark. If that happens, and that is OK. But we should also be able to handle situations in which parties hold different opinions. In some contexts, it may be useful to provide information that shows why a critical remark is not valued when you are wrongfully accused of something, for example, but in most cases, and especially in personal context, there is no reason for us to start pleading our case and keep providing arguments, data and examples expecting for the other one to change their opinion. Sometimes not even the most sound arguments will change a primary irrational mind and at other times. We can't even be sure that our way of seeing things is the rational or write one. So this is not about coming to the same conclusion, but using our conclusions, even when different for assisting both individuals and relationships in their development. There are times when you being right about the topic does not bring anything to the relationship. That is why we need to choose our causes and our goals carefully. You don't have to justify yourself. Don't be defensive. And just as I was saying earlier, they'll start pleading your case and try to prove that you did nothing wrong. Some situations may benefit from that or even require it, especially when criticism is formulated, like an accusation in a context that you cannot simply ignore. But most of the time you do not have to provide any sort of justification for your actions or decisions. Right or wrong, we have the right to act according to our own values, opinions, goals and needs. As long as we take full responsibility for these actions, the defensive stance is a passive one. You accept that the others are entitled to judge you and ask for you to justify your every move, but you have the right to be who you are. And as long as you stand up for yourself and respect the rights of others, you're good to go in the assertive world. Just imagine the amount of time and other significant resources you would have to put in in defending yourself from totally unjustified or false criticism. No need for you to do that. Don't take it personally. Remind yourself that assertive, justified criticism regards external observable aspect, such as actions, Your actions, your clothes or the results of your work are not actually you. These things pertain to you are generated by you. But you are more than this. You may act in a certain way in a context and in a totally different manner. If slight changes were to occur, There are many factors that lead to the things we do and much more go on into building who we really are. Some things are context dependent, and you activate different parts of you in each of these situations, so don't think critical messages personally, even when they refer to something really important to you. That might be difficult, but you need to do this separation so that you won't consider even justified and constructive criticism as a personal attack. This perspective would make it hard for you to even accept the critical message, not to mention addressing it and using the opportunity to better your skills or relationships. Do not let emotions dictate your response. Criticism can trigger a wide range of emotions like we've seen in a previous lecture. But in order to be able to analyze and respond in an assertive manner, it is necessary for us to maintain low or moderate levels off this internal reactions assess the message critically and address. It's justified content. Emotions are a result of that. Accompany these processes, and their levels will not overwhelm you When you mentally refrain criticism as a constructive context, an opportunity not a threat or attack, let constructive criticism build and improve your skills and refused to put the resources into dealing with context that do not bring you closer to your significant goals. Offer your point of view again without trying to be right or changed the other one's mind. Express your perspective on the subject targeted by criticism. Still, the other person, how you see things and what you think and be done about the situation. What you are going to do to change the situation if you decide changes are needed, or that you think things are good as they are and you do not plan to modify them, tell them where you stand or how the situation is affecting you. If the case shared the things that you feel you want to share without defending yourself without being aggressive and without escalating a conflict when formulating your response, try using I statements. Talk about yourself and your experience. Rather, they're referring to the other one or even blaming them. I think the project benefits from this decision is better than saying You're wrong. I want things done my way. If unjustified, you can choose to agree partially or totally to the critical message. This perspective is actually part of an assertive communication technique that we will be addressing in the next lecture. But for now, just acknowledge that you accept the fact that you do make mistakes at times and this situation is one of them. This will also send a message to the other one that it is OK not to be perfect and it is possible for one to even act in a less than desirable manner at times. And this will most likely not affect their overall integrity or image of themselves, matching the tone of your voice and non verbal cues to your message, even if you formulate things in an assertive manner. If you're non verbal behaviour conveys lack of confidence or a threatening attitude, your delivery did not fully make it to deal 30 finish line. What you say is just a Z important as how you say it. So pay attention to all the other elements that make up communication other than words your posture, your gestures, your facial expressions and movements. They all need to match the message you want to deliver. Thank the critic. You can always thank someone for their justified criticism. They didn't take the time to assess and provide constructive feedback regarding an aspect that you can modify and better they did show you on opportunity or a new perspective. Acknowledge that you can say something such as thank you for bringing this to my attention . I haven't thought about it until now, but you are correct. It would help if I made this change. Don't overdo it, though. You don't want to appear as passive, needy or ironic. And on the core, dio even positive note. It may help toe also support your assertive intentions with a verbal or non verbal confirmation of the fact that you are interested in a collaborative conflict. Free interaction where individuals respect each other even when their opinions are interests may differ. Sometimes conflict may be difficult to avoid, and you may want toe entirely stop interacting with one of your critics. But when they mean well and offer constructive perspectives, then we should keep in mind that this is about communication, understanding and support, not feuds and enemies. As a last step here, trying not to unnecessarily expose yourself to criticism. If you know that the context or a person are more likely to generate unjustified criticism , then you may want to limit your contact with that specific person and only put yourself in a difficult context. If avoiding it is not an option. This concludes the assertive strategy I proposed for dealing with most forms of criticism in our everyday life contexts. In the following lecture, I will present three specific assertive communication techniques that you can include in the response phase of the strategy. Then we will move on and address the conclusions and final recommendations segment off the course. 11. Lecture 11. Assertive Communication Techniques: assertive techniques. In this lecture, I will share with you three assertive communication techniques that you can use to deal with both justified and unjustified forms of criticism. These techniques are fogging, negative assertion and negative inquiry. Use the fogging technique to deal with those situations in which criticism is offered in a manipulative way. Unjustified criticism will most likely take this form. The critics intention being to either make you feel or act in a way that serves he is or her purpose. They may want you to feel guilt or anger, for example, so pay attention to the benefits your reaction may bring to the other one and use this analysis in deciding whether criticism is off the manipulative kind. There are different ways to use the forget technique, depending on the form off criticism received. But the basic idea is that you agreed to the critical message in accordance with the level of truth it contains. Beat partial for Total, so don't deny criticism and identify the type of critical message that you need to respond to when criticism is fully justified. Agreed to what's being criticized. You are correct. My handwriting on this card is stilted when the critical message references a possible future outcome like you being taken off a project or being fired. If you don't improve the results of your work, agreed to the possibility you are correct. That might happen when confronted with manipulative criticism presented in a logical manner , such as a Siri's off affirmations that makes sense but actually aimed at causing you harm. Something like managers should be examples for the other team members. If you continue to be late, you may lose the great professional image you have in this company, then agreed to the general principle. The message refers to You are right. That makes sense. I will try to set or remain a good example for the team. Responding to manipulation in an assertive manner through the fogging technique may prevented a critic from further criticizing you, since they do not get what they want on intense emotional reaction, defensiveness or an outburst. Negative assertion. Negative assertion is an assertive technique that you can use when criticism is justified. When you know you dealt with things in a less than desirable manner and there was somewhere on your part, having gone through the mind preparation stage, where you worked on achieving the right cognitive approach and attitude to receive criticism in an assertive way. We'll assume that you are now comfortable with the idea that you will make mistakes at times, regardless off how you label these actions and their results. Mistakes in a technical algorithm based context or just a different way of doing things that did not regard the expected results in a personal environment, there are times when you know you could have handled things better, and others may pick up on that as well and let you know that they did notice. Here is how to handle those situations acknowledge and agreed that that wasn't your best moment. Say something like, I know that wasn't my best speech during a meeting. Also, keep in mind that that is a singular situation. It does not define you and don't try to seek forgiveness from the other one. If you haven't infringed anyone's rights, there is no need for you to apologize or try to make amends. The final assertive communication technique presented in this lecture is negative inquiry. You can use the negative inquiry toe address those situations in which criticism is the expression of a cooperative distortion that we call dichotomous or black or white thinking . This type of thinking refers to things only having two values and neglect the intermediary values. Things are either good or bad, right or wrong. This technique works best in personal context, where things are rather subjective and there is no right or wrong way to deal with most of them. When this is the case, ask for details about the aspect being criticized so that things will go from being vague, toe being more specific and allow the communication to continue, most likely in an assertive manner. The relationship can benefit from the use of negative inquiry technique, since it also opens up the discussion about preferences, likes and dislikes. What is acceptable and what are the deal breakers. It gives us a better perspective on the relationship and what can be done to improve it. This concludes the segment about the assertive techniques that we can use in order to deal with criticism. Join me for conclusions and final recommendations in the next lecture 12. Lecture 12. Conclusions and Final Recommendations: we have now reached the end of the course. I hope that by now you have a more clear view about what criticism is in the assertive Rio and the available options to deal with it in an efficient manner that has the potential to keep the cognitive and emotional tools to a minimum and preserve your self confidence and self esteem levels. Remember that changes a step by step process and results appear gradually. So do not get discouraged if the first attempts at a simulating or implementing the steps presented in this assertive strategy do not trigger the expected results right the way. Keep confidence that you already have what it takes to make this changes happen. You already are assertive, and the resources only need to be activated for you to fully enjoy the benefits. The assertive method bears dealing with. Criticism may be difficult and extremely frustrating at times, but preparation and gradual actions will Indian produce an efficient method to manage this aspect of life. And although criticism and its effects may try to take from you more resources than actually needed to just efficiently deal with it, remind yourself that it's about not allowing it to take over the significant parts of your life and interfere with your well being and significant goals. Deal with it. Learn from it, get closure if possible. But most of all, move on. You deserve a life in which to focus on the significant and not let yourself overwhelmed by critical noise. You deserve to have healthy, supportive interactions that help both the individuals and the relationship grow. You are more than what your critics say about you. Focus on who you are, who you want to be activated, the resources that will get you there and enjoy an authentic, independent, meaningful life. It was a pleasure for me to create and make this course available to you. I hope the guidelines included in these lectures will assist you in achieving the results that you need in your life and that in time, positive individual changes will bring about the global effects that we all need in order to thrive as individuals and as a society. Thank you