Coping Skills and Self-Care for Mental Health | Emma McAdam | Skillshare

Coping Skills and Self-Care for Mental Health

Emma McAdam, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

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25 Lessons (1h 42m)
    • 1. Coping Skills and Self-Care for Mental Health

      2:12
    • 2. 1. Introduction to Coping Skills and Self-Care Course

      3:48
    • 3. 2. Coping Skills Section Introduction

      8:50
    • 4. 3. Emotion Coping Skills

      4:45
    • 5. 4. Brain dump

      0:46
    • 6. 5. Sensory Coping Skills

      4:05
    • 7. 6. Sensory Exercise: Hot Shower

      1:04
    • 8. Sensory 7. Coping Skill Grounding with 5 Senses

      3:10
    • 9. 8. Relaxation Coping Skills

      3:54
    • 10. Bonus Skill: 2 Minute Stress Release

      3:00
    • 11. Bonus Skill: The Yawn

      2:31
    • 12. Bonus Relaxation Skill Progressive Muscle RelaxationPMR

      8:43
    • 13. Bonus Skill: Belly Breathing

      4:29
    • 14. 9. Distraction Coping Skills

      5:30
    • 15. 10. Emotion Processing for Self-Care

      6:48
    • 16. 12. Take Care of your Body to Care for your Mind

      3:37
    • 17. Sleep Hygiene: Train yourself to sleep better

      7:40
    • 18. 13 Making Progress

      2:35
    • 19. What to do if you're Overwhelmed

      6:41
    • 20. 15. Joy in the Journey

      4:19
    • 21. 16. Connection for Health

      3:57
    • 22. 16. Course Summary

      0:30
    • 23. Bonus Section: Setting Healthy Boundaries #1

      4:44
    • 24. Heathty Boundaries #2

      4:21
    • 25. Healthy Boundaries #3

      6:28
21 students are watching this class

About This Class

Learn dozens of essential skills to manage intense emotions and develop a self-care practice to promote mental health.

When you’re super emotional the thinking part of your brain essentially shuts down. That’s why when you’re upset you say things or do things that you later regret. 

I’m Emma McAdam, a Licensed Therapist, and welcome to The Coping Skills and Self-Care Course.

In this course you’re going to learn what most people don’t teach about coping skills- that they don’t really work on their own. That’s because coping skills need to be used in conjunction with emotion processing skills and self care skills in order to create lasting change. You’ll learn essential skills to manage intense emotions, calm the stress response, and develop a self-care practice that keeps you from burning out.

This course is for anyone who’s struggling with intense feelings of Anger, Sadness, Anxiety, Stress, or Discouragement. Most people only have one or two skills to deal with emotions- like eating, venting or avoiding them.  Within the first 30 minutes you’ll learn dozens of strategies to manage those intense feelings and help you calm down when emotions run high.

By the end of the course you’ll know over a hundred ways you can self-soothe or cope with emotions. In the first section of this course you’ll learn about four different types of Coping Skills:

  • Emotion Coping Skills,

  • Relaxation Skills,

  • Sensory Coping skills, and

  • Distraction Coping Skills. 

Each section will have an explanation, a list of skills, and an exercise you can try.

In the second section of this course you’ll learn about Self-Care, creating habits that lead to a sustainable life.  You’ll learn to take care of your body and mind in a way that renews your energy, resolves emotions, improves relationships and helps you move forward with joy and purpose.

Coping skills and self care work together to help you handle all that life has to throw at you.  Coping skills help you feel better in the short term, and can keep you from acting impulsively. They are essential when you’re overwhelmed with intense emotions.  But, to be most effective and to find lasting solutions to problems, they need to be paired with Self-Care skills.

So sign up now to begin learning right away.

Transcripts

1. Coping Skills and Self-Care for Mental Health: When you're super emotional, the thinking part of your brain essentially shuts down. And that's why when you're upset, you do things or say things that you later regret. Hi, I'm Emma McAdam. I'm a licensed therapist. And welcome to the coping skills and self care course. And this course you're gonna learn what most people don't teach about coping skills that they don't really work on their own. And that's because coping skills need to be used in conjunction with emotion, processing skills and self care skills in order to create lasting change. In this course, you'll learn essential skills to manage intense emotions, calm the stress response and develop a self care practice that keeps you from burning out. This course is for anyone who is struggling with intense feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, stress or discouragement. Most people only have one or two skills to deal with emotions like eating, venting or avoiding them. Within the 1st 30 minutes of this course, you'll learn dozens of strategies to manage those intense feelings and help you calm down when emotions run high. By the end of the course, you'll know over 100 ways you can self soup or cope with emotions. In the first section of this course, you learn about four different types of coping skills, emotion, coping skills, relax, ation skills, sensory coping skills and distraction coping skills. Each section will have an explanation, a list of skills and an exercise you can try in the second section of this course, you learn about self care, which is creating habits that lead to a sustainable life. You'll learn to take care of your body and your mind in a way that renews your energy, resolves emotions, improves relationships and helps you move forward with joy and purpose. Coping skills and self care work together to handle all that life has to throw at you. Coping skills help you feel better in the short term, and they can keep you from acting impulsively, their essential when you're overwhelmed with intense emotions. But to be most effective and to find lasting solutions to problems, they need to be paired with self care skills. So sign up now to begin learning right away 2. 1. Introduction to Coping Skills and Self-Care Course: way. Welcome to the coping skills and self care course where you're going to learn over 100 skills to help you work through tough emotions and keep your cool. Hi, I'm Emma McAdam, and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I've been working in the field of mental health and personal growth since 2004 and this is my passion project. I love helping people access. Resource is that can change their lives for the better. If you'd like to see more of my content, check out therapy nutshell dot com or my other courses on you to me dot com. These include a change of brain grounding techniques and how to help friends and family members with mental illness. In this course, you're gonna learn what most people don't teach about coping skills, that they don't really work on their own. And that's because coping skills need to be used in conjunction with emotion, processing skills and self care skills in order to create lasting change. In this course, you're gonna learn what I call front door and backdoor coping skills. That means skills that address emotions directly and skills that help soothe the emotions by calming the body First. I'll also teach you how to use coping skills as a means to solve problems instead of avoid them so that your life gets better and better. Coping skills and self care go hand in hand. Coping skills, help us calm down, feel better and relax in the short term. But if overused, they can lead to avoidance in the long term. Self care may take more effort or feel uncomfortable in the short term, but self care makes things better over time. Let me give you an example. Ron had been working overtime to finish some huge projects, but Ron's boss gave him some critical feedback, and Ron felt really angry. He wanted to yell and swear and throws computer out the window, and instead he went for a short walk, took some deep breaths, got a drink of water and called his friend event. These were all coping skills that helped him calm down, so he didn't do anything stupid. Then, after he was calm, he took some time to think about his bosses criticism. At first he felt so full of anger, so he wrote down what was going through his head and After writing about the problem, he realized that he was feeling overwhelmed at work, and that was leading him to procrastinate on some projects. He could see how he was so stressed out that he actually wasn't performing very well at his job. So he took the time to write down the steps for the projects he was on. He estimated the timing of those projects, and he also planned in some much needed paid time off for vacation. After taking the time to look at everything, he went back to his boss, and he expressed how overwhelmed he been feeling. He presented a reasonable plan and timetable for his projects, and he requested to use some of his saved PTO. His boss thanked him for talking with him and for the clear timetable the boss approved is PTO, and they both focus their energy on the first task of the first project. In this example, Ron used a walk deep breathing, getting a drink and talking to a friend as coping skills for when he was super upset. Then, once he calmed down, he was able to come back to the problem and work to resolve it, using some self care skills. These were journaling planning, taking time off and expressing emotions, these air all steps that take extra energy in the short term but save energy in the long run in order to be mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. We all need both types of skills. In this course, you're going to learn both coping and self care skills, and you'll develop a personalized plan to put them into action. So let's jump in. 3. 2. Coping Skills Section Introduction: So what are coping skills? When you're emotionally upset, the thinking part of your brain essentially turns off, and that's why people often do things they later regret when they're angry, scared or sad. There are three main parts to your brain. The executive brain. This is the part that thinks things through rationally the limbic brain. And this is the emotional, intense and reactive part of your brain and the brain stem, which mostly focuses on survival like regulating breathing and heart rate. When you're overwhelmed with anger, fear or other strong emotions, the brain literally shuts down your executive brain as a way to respond to threats. This works pretty well. If you're being chased by a tiger, you don't want to waste time pondering the meaning of life and choosing your options. You just need to sprint away and fast. But turning off the thinking part of your brain doesn't work Great if you just got criticized by your boss, because if you don't calm down, you might lash out in anger, column an idiot and then lose your job. When we get stuck in the emotional brain, we tend to be impulsive, intense, dramatic and irrational. In order to make good decisions, we need to be able to calm ourselves down. We need to be able to soothe our mind and our body so that we can turn that thinking part of our brain back on. And that's where coping skills come in. Coping skills help us slow down, resolve emotions and relax. Instead of reacting impulsively to emotions. Emotions can be intense and complicated. Some situations air so overwhelming that we just need to hang in there for a while, and then we can come back and resolve the problem. Here's a couple of examples of times when you may need to use coping skills before you're ready to think clearly, like right after a break up during an argument with a spouse. When you're stressed about homework, if you've made a mistake when you're hurt because you got excluded or if you're overwhelmed with life like bills and responsibilities, or those times when you've received some negative feedback. Now everyone is different and situations affect people uniquely. Take a minute and pause this video right down the common situations that make you really upset when you've written those down. Come back to this video So let's talk about when to use coping skills. First, use them when you're really upset. When you're not thinking clearly you're panicking or you're about to act rashly. Number to use them to delay your response so that you can come back to the situation and handle it better. And number three. You could use them to feel a little bit better When there's nothing you can change about a situation. Coping skills often soothe or comfort us. They're helpful in the short term, but they do nothing to solve our problems in the long term. Always make sure to ask yourself, Do I need to change my situation or do any defined away to better cope with the situation? If you're on Lee, approach to emotions is to cope or soothe yourself. Then, in the long run, you won't be solving problems. Use coping skills to get through a crisis, to calm yourself and then come back and resolve the problem. This ability to pause before choosing an action is an essential skill of emotionally resilient people. Let me give you an example. If you're in an unhealthy relationship, you may be feeling intense anger, stress or fear the best way to resolve those emotions might be ending the relationship instead of just trying to soothe your emotions. But if you're really upset, you may need to take a little break and use um, coping skills to get calm and centered before making any decisions. Deciding to end the relationship is something you want to do when you're calm and clear headed. On the other hand, some situations are out of our control. For example, if you're grieving the loss of a loved one, it would be important to take care of your feelings in a healthy way. Since you can't change the circumstance, there are many different ways you can self soothe or cope with emotions. In this course, you'll learn about emotion, coping skills, sensory coping skills, relax, ation skills and distraction coping skills. Each section will have an explanation, a list of ideas and it exercise. You can try emotion, coping skills, address emotions head on. The other skills go in through the back door to soothe the emotions through the body. The best type of coping skills incorporate both your brain and your body, and they don't have negative side effects like emotional eating or drugs do. Facing and solving problems is essential to long term mental health, and an over reliance on coping skills can be harmful in the long run. Emotions, including uncomfortable emotions, aren't out to get us there. It just bad things that are happening to us. Emotions based on truth are meant to help motivate us to take action, to motivate us to make changes. So, for example, if I punch someone in the face, I should feel guilty. Guilt is an uncomfortable emotion that could motivate me to apologize toe, try to make things right and pay their medical bills and not do that in the future. I shouldn't use coping skills to make that guilty feeling go away. I should instead fix the problem that I caused. If you use coping skills to avoid emotions, it's going to cause more problems for you in the future. Drugs are one example of avoidance. If I feel upset about something going on in a relationship and I smoke some weed, I might not feel upset about that problem anymore. But that doesn't mean that I fixed the problem. Problems don't just go away. If we ignore them, they always come back. If we let them build up. They tend to get worse. So don't use coping skills to avoid problems. Use them to get calm so you can face a problem and solve it with a clear head. Sometimes there is no real problem, just distorted thinking or intense emotions. Some emotions are based on cognitive distortions, so twisted and unhelpful thinking. So let me give an example. Heather has the belief that I should never make anyone feel sad. One day, Fred asks her out on a date. Heather doesn't want to go with him, and she politely declines the offer. But then she feels terribly guilty about it. Later, she thinks she's been mean and that she's a bad person for saying no. But somewhere in her heart, she knows that it was the right thing to do. Her actions were in line with the kind of person she wants to be. Honest, kind and assertive. She may be feeling intense guilt, but that emotion doesn't mean she needs to change or solve any problems. This is a good time to do something soothing for herself, a good opportunity to practice some coping skills. So sometimes emotions aren't based on reality. People with depression often have distorted feelings of guilt, shame, sadness or worthlessness. People with anxiety often have distorted feelings of fear. Worrisome thoughts and obsessive thinking and anger is often based on misleading thoughts that blame others. And many emotions are magnified or exaggerated by being hungry or tired. So your physical needs are showing up as irrational emotions in these situations. Coping skills and self care can help you soothe those alarming emotions and then help you get back to thinking clearly so that you can face your life. So don't use coping skills to avoid problems to constantly escape reality or, if they cause later, harm. Harmful coping skills include any harmful or addictive behavior, like drugs over eating, oversleeping or overspending. Harmful coping skills may make you feel better in the short term, but they can be very destructive to your life overall, causing more problems later. This creates escalating cycles of negativity in your life, so make sure toe on Lee, use healthy coping skills and to use self care skills to face and resolve problems so that you can create an emotionally healthy life. We all need coping skills to calm ourselves down during intense emotions. Coping skills can help us feel better, think more clearly and come back to a problem and solve it if necessary. In the next section, we're gonna talk about how to use emotion, coping skills to soothe ourselves during a really intense emotion. 4. 3. Emotion Coping Skills: emotions are intense. Emotions are beautiful. Emotions are what make us feel alive. But emotions can also be scary, overwhelming, painful, exhausting and sometimes even seem unbearable. When we're feeling highly emotional, The thinking part of our brain tends to shut down. Whether we're being swept away in love or carried away in anger. Emotions could make us all act a little stupid. But that doesn't mean that emotions are bad. Feeling joy and sadness is what connect us toe. Others feeling stress and pride help us be productive feeling. Fear can help us take action to be safe. Emotions serve as powerful motivation to take action and engage with life. But often these emotions could be overwhelming. When emotions run high, it's essential to know how to calm yourself down toe, start thinking clearly and make good choices with your actions. Every section of this course teaches strategies to cope with your emotions by using your senses, practicing relaxation or using temporary distraction as a tool. And I would call these backdoor approach is turning on your calming response Without directly addressing emotions, this section is going to focus on a short term emotion coping skills where we'll discuss how to face and feel emotions in a healthy way. Allowing yourself to express your emotions without frantically trying to avoid them lets you work through them slowly, carefully and wholeheartedly. Later, in this course, in the section on self care will dive into some longer term strategies to keep you out of the rough patches, and you learn some strategies to process through and resolve emotions. But for this section, we're going to focus on the short term coping skills to help get you through the rough patches. Here's an example from one of my friends. My husband works for the Children's Justice Center as a program coordinator, and as part of his job, he has heavy task of listening, watching and transcribing all interviews when an allegation of abuse against a child is made. As you can imagine, that takes a lot out of him. On days that has had a particularly difficult interview, he comes home and picks up a paintbrush. He loves making fun works of art for our kids and anyone that he thinks could use a boost that day. It's his release. He channels his feelings from the day into his art and turns them into something amazing. Here are some examples of emotion coping skills. Do a brain dump. See the exercise in the next video. Talk with a friend or someone who's not involved Journal about it. Write frequently about what's going on and take the time to explore it. Tell a caterpillar anything you're feeling and even tell him the worst thing you've ever done. His calm reaction may help you feel reassured that you're okay. Go someplace that you feel safe and allow yourself to cry. Write a song, a poem or short story expressing how you feel. Take a moment to give yourself some credit notice and write down some of the hard things you've done that day. Give yourself some credit for the little successes, like getting out of bed. Checking something off your to do list. Staying calm in a tough situation, etcetera. Practice, mindfulness or meditation. You could use the app. Stop, breathe and think pray. Reach out to a higher power, read sacred or inspirational text. Write a list of things that you're grateful for expressing motion through art or music paint, quickly focusing on the color. Use clay to shape your feelings abstract. Lee create a playlist of songs that express your emotions. For example, a sad day playlist or an angry playlist. Play an instrument. You can choose a song that matches your emotions. Sing it out to a song that expresses how you feel, or use an app like mood itude or insight timer. To track your emotions, check in with yourself throughout the day and take a moment to process your emotions and thoughts instead of letting them build up. Take a few minutes before bed to pay attention to your feelings right about them. Or draw mind map and notice the different parts. You may have a proud part of you and an angry part at the same time. Take a minute to acknowledge each of your parts and listen to them. Give them a minute to be heard. Then remind yourself that it's okay to feel and everything is going to be all right. Okay, so I've given you a couple of ideas of how to practice emotion coping skills. In the next section, we're gonna talk about going in through the back door and calming our brain by using sensory coping skills 5. 4. Brain dump: thats exercise is called the brain dump. A brain dump is where you take a pen and a piece of paper, preferably one you can throw away instead of a page in your favorite journal or something. And you sit down and you write every single thing that comes to your mind, no matter how crazy or ridiculous. And you just put it on paper just right as fast as you can without any editing or censoring . Don't worry. You don't have to show it to anyone when you're done that you can throw it away, burn it or flush it down the toilet. It doesn't matter. The purpose of this exercise is to take this overwhelming cloud of thoughts and just make it into something solid. You'll be surprised at how calming this is. 6. 5. Sensory Coping Skills : never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told the calm down. If we can't force ourselves in the calming down, how do we do it? The autonomic nervous system controls our stress response. This is the fight flight freeze response, and it also controls the relax ation response, which is known as Rest and Digest. But we can't easily control this part of our nervous system with just our thoughts. So instead of trying to think ourselves calm, one effective approach to turn on calm is toe access your nervous system through your body , your mind and body are closely connected. And just like your brain can trigger your body to be anxious by thinking these worrisome thoughts, your body can also trigger your brain to be calm through sensory soothing. When I've had a long day doing therapy and parenting my three tiny Children, I often feel really tense and pretty exhausted. It seems like throughout the day that stress just builds and builds. But one of my favorite things to do after the Children go to bed is to take a steaming hot bath. During a long soak, my muscles soften My mind relaxes, and, gosh, I just feel calmer just thinking about it. Right now, something about the feel of hot water triggers that calming reaction. This is my favorite form of sensory soothing century. Soothing is an important part of calming the emotions from a bottom up approach by using sights, smells your sense of touch or hearing you can turn on the calming part of your nervous system and soothe your brain. Then, once you're calm, you can choose words and actions that are going to be more helpful. So this is called sensory soothing, and these could be effective coping skills for when you're upset, they can help you get centered. Slow things down, and you can come back to a problem when you're calm. One of my students just shared this example. I have a long commute, but I travel with an old washtub, a nice bar of soap, a gallon of water and a washcloth. On the long ride, I take a break toe, wash my hands and face the smell of the soap of the coolness of the water, and the old tub reminds me of home. It's simple, it's calming and it is enough Here are some examples of sensory coping skills. Smell slowly Smell favorite scent. Cinnamon, Vanilla perfume. You can use an essential oil diffuser or put a drop into a diffuser necklace or a piece of paper. Put on some scented lotion. Use an essential oil. Use a bath bomb to make a scented bath touch. Hold a warm rice pack or heating pad. Take a hot bath shower in the dark. Pet an animal. Wash your face with very cold water. Hold on ice Cube and notice what cold feels like. Or you can feel comfortable texture. So this is like a child holding a blanket or an adult holding a rosary. Or you could try rubbing something smooth like a stone or a piece of satin taste. Drink a hot drink slowly or eat a small treat, slowly savoring the taste sound. Go someplace very quiet and sit very still. Go for a walk by yourself with headphones on, Listening to music You love body movement, also known as appropriate. Deceptive. Go for a walk, exercise or play sport. Stretch your muscles. Do one yoga pose. Swing on a swing, set rock in a rocking chair, or you can step outside for a breath of fresh air, Check out the two exercises included with this section taking a hot shower in the dark and the 54321 grounding technique. After that, we're going to move on to relaxing coping skills. 7. 6. Sensory Exercise: Hot Shower: Here's an activity that can help you get centered When you're feeling super overwhelmed. Take a hot shower in the dark. It forces you to move incredibly slowly, and it could be very relaxing. Make sure to have safety mats in place so you don't slip on your way out. Turn off the lights to minimize distractions and help you focus on the physical sensation of a hot shower. Start by noticing the temperature of the water. Notice how it fuels on your hand head and other areas of your body. Notice the warm air, breathe it in and out. Slowly pay attention to the relaxation sensation and you can adjust the temperature of the water. If you'd like, you can help you refocus on your physical senses. Now go ahead and get this activity try see if helped you calm down. 8. Sensory 7. Coping Skill Grounding with 5 Senses: This is a very simple century ground, an activity that can help you calm down when you're really, really intense emotions. It's called the 54321 grounding technique. So in a previous episode we talked about the importance off our nervous system in managing our emotions. There's both the sympathetic or the alerting, activating response in our bodies and the parasympathetic reaction, which is the calming restoring part of our nervous system. And if we want to be healthy, we need to have a Paris sympathetically dominant nervous system, one of the ways we create that is by intentionally grounding the body in our senses. So here's a quick exercise on how to do that. Start to pay attention to the present moment and the circumstances around you. So go ahead and take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Now we're going to start by grounding our body in our senses. So the five senses that we have are essential to managing our emotions. So let's start with our sense of touch. So go ahead and touch three things in your environment, and as you touch them, describe them in your mind. So, for example, you might touch the desk and say this is smooth and cold. Do that with three objects. The next sense that we're gonna activate is our sense of sight. So go ahead and notice three things in your environment that you can see describe them in your mind this well, the last sense that we're going to use in this grounding exercise is our sense of hearing. So try to notice three different sources of sound in your environment and in your mind to describe what they sound like. As you noticed this sensory input, your body should become more grounded in the present moment. This is important because in order for our bodies to feel safe and for our minds to relax, we need to send the message that they are safe. And in general, the present moment that we are in is actually safe. So by grounding ourself in our senses, we can send a message to our body and our brain that we are safe. Pay attention to the difference you're feeling in your body as you become centered in this moment. By becoming more grounded, you have impacted your nervous system. This is a little activity you can do throughout your day to feel a little bit calmer. And to trigger that parasympathetic response, the more frequently you do it, the stronger your parasympathetic reaction will be and your nervous system will become dominated by a calm result. I hope this was helpful. Thanks for watching and take care. 9. 8. Relaxation Coping Skills: Let's talk about relax, ation. For most people relax, ation means flopping down on the couch and watching a show. But unfortunately, watching TV does very little to turn on the body's natural relax ation response. It just puts the stress response on hold for a little while. After turning off the show and coming back to reality, that stress response comes back even stronger. So just as we all have this natural stress response that's turned on by stressful thoughts and events are Body also has a natural calming reaction called the parasympathetic response . Relax, ation is when you step away from a stressful situation and intentionally do an activity that physically relaxes your body. This could help you reset yourself to come back and face the problem from a new place of calm and centered nous. For someone who does a lot of manual labor throughout the day, relax, Ation may look like reading a book on the couch. For someone who works at the desk all day, mowing the lawn or playing basketball might feel relaxing. Both activities are relaxing because they release muscle tension. Relax ation coping skills can be short lasting. Less than a minute or they could be long like taking a long vacation. If you believe that you don't have time to relax, that's a perception and not a reality. You're cramming your life so full of things that you're actually making yourself less effective. You'll probably be able to get more things done when you take time to rejuvenate yourself. Here's some examples of Relax ation coping skills simply taking deep, slow breaths. Contributor. The relax ation response. Just go ahead and try that right now. Do an activity that you find immersive and calming. For some people, this is sports or for others. This is a hobby. One of my relaxing hobbies is metal detecting. When I'm out metal detecting, I don't worry about the things going on at home because my mind is completely focused on the task at hand. And then when I'm done, I go home feeling more relaxed and energized them before. For many people, physical movement is relaxing when the problems emotional. So for those of us who work at desks, relax, ation may look like mowing the lawn or chopping wood or building something with our hands. Yoga Tai Chee and exercise can also be relaxing. Try progressive muscle relaxation. Use guided imagery to imagine yourself in a calming place. Take time to rest and recharge even a few minutes throughout your day or a few hours throughout your week. Can make a big difference. Take a vacation. Go get a manicure, pedicure, massage, acupuncture or chiropractic adjustment. Hug someone you love for at least 10 seconds, and you can check out the attached exercise to learn how to do a quick self massage. Lay on the floor on your back for five minutes and just breathe. Try to make your stomach go up and down with each breath. Try making yourself some comfort food like grilled cheese and tomato soup. The process of cooking and eating a delicious meal can be great for boosting your mood. Take care of your body in a way that makes you feel good. Paint your nails. Do your hair put on a face masque. Spend some time in nature. Soak in some sun light, try gardening or another repetitive task that is soothing, like knitting or something else that you enjoy. Make sure to check out some of the exercises in this section. These included diaphragmatic breathing, the two minutes. Stress. Release the JAHN and a self massage for stress reduction. After you've checked those out, jump on into the next section, which is distraction coping skills. 10. Bonus Skill: 2 Minute Stress Release: give me two minutes and I'll show you something about stress. So stress is the physical aspect of anxiety. The fear, emotion, stress is how anxiety shows up in our bodies. It comes with things like an increased heart rate, shallow breathing, muscle tension, stomach problems and headaches. So take a second right now and check your back and shoulders. Do you feel any tension there? Odds are good that you dio. So go ahead and relax. No, really, Relax. Relax. Now, for most of you, this did not work. It most likely actually made things worse. So now you may be feeling stressed out about feeling stressed out. This is the paradox of emotions. The more we try to make them go away, the more we magnify them. But all is not lost. That does not mean that we're powerless over our emotions. We just have to go in the back door sometimes. So try this instead. Notice an area of your body that's feeling tense. It may be your shoulders or your face for your back or your hands. Now I'm going to ask you to lean into that tension. So, with the shoulders example, I want you to try to exaggerate that tension, pull them up hard and tight around your ears, clench and hardened. Those muscles really feel those muscles tighten and hold it for five seconds. It helps if you scratch your face. Okay, now soften those muscles. Breathe out. Let's do it one more time. Tense Titan. No check in with your shoulders. For most people, this helps them soften and relax those muscles in a way that they weren't able to do by just trying to relax. And that's a curious thing with emotions. They don't respond well to being dismissed, ignored or avoided. Often they're just asking to be noticed or acknowledged. It's like our stress is saying, Hey, just noticed me for a second and then I'll move on. But when we're constantly trying to keep our emotions at arm's length, our emotions act more like a toddler. Think Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, What? And when you finally give them your attention, they say, Oh, good job, you're the best, and the kid moves on. Now, if we really want to have choice with our emotions, we have to be willing to spend a second and lean into the 11. Bonus Skill: The Yawn: the next self regulation technique that I'm gonna teach is softening the palate. So if you feel the roof of your mouth with your tongue and you move your tongue towards the back, you can feel where it goes from being hard to being soft. That's called your soft palate way in the back of the top of your mouth. Now the soft palate is located right beneath your brain and is actually the top end of your vagus nerve sits right above your soft palate, and your vagus nerve runs right down the middle all the way through your back and ends in your pelvic region. Now, if we want to trigger that vagus nerve to send a calming message to your nervous system, one of the ways we can do that is by raising the soft palate. Now singers have been trained to do this as they sing to open up the size of their mouth on one of the ways you can teach yourself to do that is by making the R sound. So are you can feel that soft palate lifting up. Oh, are as you do that you might feel yourself start Tian because it's triggering that calming reaction. But another way we can also trigger that vagus nerve is by yawning on purpose. So go ahead, make a big fake yawn. It might even turn into a really on. If you can't do that, watch some videos of people yawning and it'll make you young um, fake. Yawning or lifting your soft palate triggers that calming reaction in your body, and it's another easy trick you can do pretty much any time of the day. You don't want to go on in your boss's face when he's telling you something important. But other than that, it's a pretty easy activity to do. One of the things that I find is really fascinating about yawning is it's also a social response. Have you ever seen your dog get really hyper? I used to have this dog that would get really hyper in the car. And when he would get mawr and more and more excited, he would start yawning these big bones out the window like uncontrollable eons. And I read that this is a social behavior that helps trigger other dogs to calm down. So if you imagine a whole pack of dogs getting really excited and really anxious, and pretty soon they worked themselves up into a frenzy. And who knows what might happen? You know, not necessarily good things happen when dogs get worked up into a frenzy. So they have this yawning reaction that triggers other dogs. Tianhe two. And it signals the herd to calm down when they're getting stressed so we can use the same Yanni reaction in ourselves. Tribute, the vagus nerve and, um, I feel a little calmer. 12. Bonus Relaxation Skill Progressive Muscle RelaxationPMR: this activity is called progressive muscle. Relax, ation. It's an exercise that reduces stress and anxiety in your body by having you slowly tense and then relax each muscle. This exercise can provide an immediate feeling of relaxation, but it's best to practice frequently with experience you will become more aware of when you're experiencing tension and you will have the skills to help you relax. Let's begin. Sit back or lie down in a comfortable position. Shut your eyes if you're comfortable doing so, begin by taking a deep breath and noticed the feeling of air filling your lungs. Hold your breath for a few seconds. Release the breath slowly and let the tension leave your body, taking another deep breath and hold it again. Slowly released the air even more slowly. Now take another breath failure lungs and hold the air Slowly release the breath and imagine the feeling of tension leaving your body. Now move your attention to your feet. Begin to tense your feet by curling your toes and the arch of your foot. Hold on to the tension and notice what it feels like. Now Release the tension in your foot. I noticed the new feeling of relax ation. Next, begin to focus on your lower lake. Tense the muscles in your calves by pointing your toes. Hold them tightly and pay attention to that feeling of tension. Now release the tension from your lower lake. Tense the muscles in your calves. Hold them tightly. Now Release the tension from your lower legs. Again. Notice the feeling of relaxation. Remember to continue taking deep breaths and as you breathe out, imagine that tension leaving your body with your breath. Next. Tense the muscles of your upper lake so your quads and hamstrings your thigh muscles. You can do this by tightly squeezing your thighs together. Make sure you feel the tenseness without going to the point of strange. Hold that tension for a couple of seconds and release. Feel that tension. Leave your muscles, visualize it, spreading out and away from your muscles in your body. Now tense the muscles of your pelvic region clincher. But as tight as you can pull in your stomach muscles that hold that tension in your pelvic area. Now breathe out slowly and release that tension. Feel those muscles soften and visualize that tension leaving with your out breath begin to tend to your stomach and your chest. You can do this by sucking your stomach in, squeeze harder and hold the tension a little bit longer. And now release the tension. Allow your body to go. Let yourself noticed that feeling of relax ation, continue taking deep breaths. Breathe in slowly. Notice the air, filling your lungs and hold it. Release the air. Slowly feel it, leaving your lungs next tense the muscles in your back by bringing your shoulders together behind you. Hold them tightly, tense them as hard as you can without straining and keep holding. Release the tension from your backfield. Attention slowly leaving your body and the new feeling of relaxation. Notice how different your body feels when you allow it to relax. Now clinch your hands as tightly as you can. Pull them into a fist and grip as hard as you can. Feel that tension Now release the tension from your hands. Let your hands soften and open up. Noticed that feeling of relaxation and your fingers in your hands. Now clinch your arms. Rip your arms as tightly as you can. Tighten those muscles, squeeze those muscles all the way up your arm, your forearms and your biceps, your triceps. Just tighten your arms as hard as you can. Hold that tension and notice what it feels like. You may need to grip your hands again into fists to feel that tension in your arms. Hold that for a few more seconds. Now release again. I feel that tension draining almost as if it's draining out of your fingertips. All that stress and tightness, leaving your body with each breath and notice that new feeling of relaxation as it comes into your arms. Notice how your arms feel limp on a ease, and those muscles feel softer and warmer. Now move your awareness to your shoulders. Clench those shoulders tightly, pulling them up to your ears. Hold that tension in your shoulders for a few seconds and now release. Let those shoulders drop low. Feel what it feels like. Have your shoulders loose. Now move your attention to your neck in your head. Tense your face in your neck by distorting the muscles up around your eyes and mouth. Scrunch your face and hold that tightly. Now let your face and your next soften release that tension and again noticed that new feeling of softness and relax. Ation. Finally tense. Your entire body tense. Your feet, legs, stomach, chest, arms, head neck, Shoulders tense. Harder. Hold that tension for a few seconds. Now release. Allow your whole body to go limp. Pay attention to the feeling of relaxation and how different it is from the feeling of tension. Allow yourself to stay in this place of softness and relax ation for as long as you like. If you'd like more time, pause the video now. Otherwise, begin to wake your body up by slowly moving your muscles. Adjust your arms and legs, stretch your muscles and open your eyes when you're 13. Bonus Skill: Belly Breathing: who did you know that yawning is an important skill for anxiety reduction. Today we're gonna talk about how to activate your parasympathetic nervous system by triggering the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is different than most of the other nerves in our body because it sends information in both directions, down from the brain to our bodies and from our bodies back toe our brain. So the vagus nerve helps trigger the bottom up approach to resolving anxiety. The bottom up approach is basically the fact that a calm body can create a calm mind. I recently heard a great story about this. Ah, woman adopted a dog that she found on the side of the road. It was just running around on the side of the road, and this dog was a great dog. It was good with kids. It was good with families. It was wonderful to have around. It was obedient, and it listened to them. But the dog had one major drawback When they would put the dog in the car and take it anywhere, like on a trip to the park, the dog would freak out. It would just have a crazy anxiety response and it would start to throw up in the back of the car. So after this happened over and over again and their their car was just smelling disgusting . The woman who owned the dog took the dog to a dog trainer and asked, What do I do? I cannot figure out how to help this animal. And the wise dog trainer said. In order to help this dog feel calmer, it needs to have a calm body. First, she taught the woman how to direct the dog to sit down and lay down, and they constantly trained the dog to do that. So they bring it into the car, have it lay down and force it into a relaxed position. And as they did that, the anxiety that the dog was experiencing decreased. And pretty soon the dog was not throwing up in the car anymore. This this story illustrates the principle that a calm body can create a calm mind. Ancient societies have known this for years. People practicing yoga or meditated breathing understand that we can change our minds reaction by changing our body, and today I'm gonna teach you, ah, couple of techniques to do that So the first technique I'm gonna teach is diaphragmatic breathing. That means breathing with your stomach. Now, most people don't realize it, but they spend most of the day breathing with their chest. We have some ability to expand our chest, but when we only breathe with our chest were about 70% less oxygenated than when we breathe with our stomach. The diaphragm is the muscle that's right below our rib cage and as we take a deep breath or diaphragm pushes down and pushes those abdominal organs out. So in order to breathe with our diaphragm, we need to see our belly moving in and out. So one of the ways to do this, take your hands, cross your fingers and put them on your stomach and then lean back a little bit in your chair and take a few deep breaths and try and get your hands to move out When you breathe. That's it. Diaphragmatic breathing. Now these air called self regulation techniques, and they're called self regulation techniques because you can regulate yourself in any situation. You don't have to leave the situation to calm down, so relax. Ation is where you go. Leave a situation. Take a hot bath, get a massage. Now, if we could do that all day long, we wouldn't have a problem with our nervous system. But the reality is we're often stuck at work or in stressful meetings stuck in a commuter traffic jam. And we need to be able to regulate our nervous system during stressful experiences, not just avoiding stressful experiences. So diaphragmatic breathing. It's something you can do in a meeting. You don't have to make a loud noise. Just sit there and take deep breaths and have your stomach move in and out. It even helps a little. If you put your hands behind your head, lean back in your chair, take a deep breath. This increases the ability of your lungs to expand. And again, you should be seeing your stomach move in and out as you do this, and you don't have to do it as loudly as that again. This is an activity you can do during meetings, phone calls while reading an important email, whatever it may be, 14. 9. Distraction Coping Skills: when I hear that one of my clients has a coping skill, like playing video games, it kind of makes me wanna lose it. Because playing video games is not a coping skills. It's an avoidance skill in this section. We're gonna talk about distraction, coping skills, and it's a very fine line between distraction skills that help us and distraction skills that harm us. So we're gonna talk about what's the difference between those two types of distraction coping skills? And the difference is that the one helps you come back to a problem and solve it later, and the other perpetuates a cycle of avoidance. Sometimes when we're completely overwhelmed, we need a moment to distract ourselves to stop us from doing something stupid. Knowing how to distract yourself can be a helpful skill in addiction recovery circles. This can be referred to as halt If you're hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Halt, stop. Don't make any big decisions. Don't quit your job. Begin or end a relationship, hurt yourself, relapse into drug use or yell at someone. Pause. Stop yourself. If you're on the verge of blowing up, learn to distract yourself from the situation long enough to get support, gather your resource is go to bed or eat a nice meal. Then when you're fed, rested and relaxed, you can face the problem fresh in this section, we're gonna talk about distraction, coping skills. Thes could be powerful tools to help you forget about your emotions long enough to take care of yourself or keep you from doing something stupid. But remember, avoidance and distraction don't solve any problems. They may feel good in the moment because they help us escape our problems or stop thinking about our worries. But if you rely on them too much, they can make your problems much worse. Let me give you an example. I want to work to the young woman who was struggling with anxiety. She was really worried about money and debt. She'd been working at a fast food restaurant for a year, and she'd become a manager. But she was still drowning in debt. So to avoid her anxiety, she watched a lot of YouTube. Every time she worried about money or her future or her debt, she put on a show. During one of our sessions, I asked her to pull out her phone and show me her YouTube app. We checked her time watched statistic, and she had over 40 hours of YouTube that week. Almost every waking non working our had been spent watching other people play video games on the Internet. In her case, distraction had become an addiction toe avoidance. Just imagine how her life would have changed if she just used half of that time 20 hours a week to do some schooling, get new job training or take financial management classes. All of these resources are free in our area. Using coping skills to avoid problems creates a dependency on that activity. I've actually worked with people who have had addictions To many of these coping skills, I have personally worked with people who have addictions to TV, shopping, food, drugs and alcohol, Scrabble, video games, social media, eating exercise and other coping skills. Again, the way to tell if a coping skills helpful is not on Lee if it makes you feel good. But if it helps you return to resolve the problem, Okay, so that being said when used appropriately, distraction can be helpful when you're too tired or overwhelmed to solve a problem in the moment let me give you an example. When I was 21 I volunteered in Argentina for 18 months. We worked really hard to help people. We poured our souls out, trying to help people improve their lives. We were physically, emotionally and spiritually giving everything we had. And one day during a meeting, one of our local leaders basically told us that all the people we were working with losers and there was no hope and that we were doing a terrible job. We finished the meeting late at night and we were really discouraged and exhausted and we were kind of ready to quit. My co worker called our director in tears. He listened carefully and he said, Ladies, go to bed. Things will look better in the morning. He was right after we took a break and came back to the problem refreshed. After a night's sleep, we were able to go back to that local leader with more clarity and solve the issue. We didn't quit, we kept helping people and because we took the time to get the rest we needed, we were able to solve those problems. You probably already have some go to distraction techniques. But here's a couple more examples of distraction coping skills, coloring humor. Watch your funny clip on YouTube TV Be incredibly careful TV and most things with screens is a powerful distraction that takes up and turns off much of the brain, and it essentially prevents the brain from resolving issues. Screens also don't trigger the relax ation response in the body the way that many other coping skills do. Read a book to a crossword. Go shopping again. Shopping can be addictive and expensive. Take macro photos of bugs, flowers or other objects. Paint your nails of fun color where silly socks sing along to a song. Big cookies sort through and edit your photos in the next section. We're gonna move into talking about self care skills, so let's go. 15. 10. Emotion Processing for Self-Care: e. One area of our lives that needs constant monitoring and maintenance is our emotions. Emotions come up dozens or hundreds of times a day, and when we face them and work through them, they naturally resolve. But when we ignore them, avoid them or stuff them down, they tend to pop up later. Emotions can feel intense and overwhelming, and sometimes even painful. People often think of emotions as being good, like happiness or bad, like anger, sadness and fear. But emotions aren't good or bad, even though some emotions are comfortable and others are unpleasant. Every emotion is meant to serve a purpose, warning us that something is wrong or motivating us to take action. So, for example, that feeling of stress before a big test may motivate you to study harder for your exam. Or that feeling of anger can help you take steps to protect yourself from someone who's taking advantage of you. But when our emotions are overwhelming, it can be hard to even know what those emotions air about. When feelings air huge or complicated, that's a good time to do some emotion processing skills. Motion processing just means working through the process of noticing naming and exploring your emotions so that you can choose appropriate action instead of reacting to your feelings. Processing skills help us manage those emotions by breaking them down into little chunks. Emotion processing is one of the most effective self care skills because it helps you move through your emotions without avoiding them or reacting to them. Basically, emotion processing helps you slow things down and pay attention to what you're feeling and then slowly untangled those intense emotions so that you're able to calm down and make clear choices because you're working through your emotions rather than avoiding them. This is the most sustainable type of coping skills, because when you're done, you know what to do with your emotions and they tend to get resolved. Let me give you an example. One day I was at lunch with one of my friends who happens to be a therapist. We had previously worked at the same treatment center, and she started telling me about how she was struggling with feelings of burnout. She briefly mentioned a case that had been weighing on her heavily involved a client who had gone through some significant trauma in her life and my friend told me about how working with her client situation had impacted her personally. My friend talked about feeling worn out, anxious and stuck, and at some point in the conversation, I just mentioned how it sounded like she was going through some secondary trauma. And this is a term that another therapist would understand to mean having a traumatic response to someone else's traumatic experiences. We chatted a bit more but really couldn't go into much depth due to the constraints of time and the fact that the McDonald's play place isn't the best place to go deeply into emotions . I mean, we were there with our kids. I swear. This is not the kind of restaurant I go to for fun. The next day she texted me and said something along the lines of our conversation yesterday was so helpful. I I understand why I have been feeling the way I've been feeling. I've been so wrapped up in work that I didn't even realize I was experiencing trauma in my own way. And she said, Now I know what kind of steps that I need to take to start to work through it. I was pleasantly surprised because I didn't do anything special. I wasn't doing any sophisticated therapeutic technique or intervention. All I did was let her talk and then throw out a word for what she was experiencing. For her, that was enough to get a toehold and begin the process of resolving the problem herself. When I named her challenge as secondary trauma, she then knew what to do with it. A few months later, she'd done some personal work and made some changes, and she had rediscovered her joy and passion in work that had previously been buried under some unresolved emotions. When we take the time to notice, name and explore our emotions, we take thoughts and feelings that are confusing and cloudy. We make the more solid and riel. This helps us know what to do with them, and knowing what to do could be very soothing. Emotions can naturally resolve themselves if we give them time and space and attention. But if we ignore them, emotions like anger, resentment and stress tends to build up over time and explode Later, Sigmund Freud said unexpressed emotions will never die there buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. In order to practice self care, we need to be regularly expressing and working through our emotions. Here are some examples of things you can add to your self carry team toe. Work through difficult emotions. Ask for help when you need it. This may sound too simple, but try and handle everything by yourself can make you feel overwhelmed and anxious. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, practice self compassion with your mistakes and see the attached exercise. Take the time to face your motions and let yourself feel them. Allow yourself to hurt and work through them. If you feel overwhelmed, find a way to slow it down. You could try writing about it. Plan some me time into your calendar schedule weekly. Time to take a step back. Look at your life and make some golds. Go to therapy or attend a support group. Cut out some activities from your life so that you're not too busy. This gives your brain time toe wind down, so let your brain have downtime. Put down your phone in the bathroom and just let your mind wander. Turn off the radio in your car and let your thoughts come and go, So this is basically allowing your brain to do some maintenance. Take five minutes at the end of each day to make a list of a few good things in your life. It could be easy toe only. Focus on the negative in our lives. Spend time looking for the good and you'll find it. Check yourself for common cognitive distortions like black and white thinking, catastrophe izing or mental filtering journal. Write frequently about what's going on and take the time to explore it. Talk with a friend or vent to someone who's not involved. Go someplace you feel safe and allow yourself to cry. It's been time and prayer, mindful Issa, War Meditation and you could check out my other course, which is emotion processing, where I teach 30 skills in 30 days to work through emotions. In the next section of this course, we're gonna talk about taking care of your body to practice emotional self care 16. 12. Take Care of your Body to Care for your Mind: the body and the mind are closely connected. Taking good care of your body is obviously good for physical health, but it's also essential for mental health. Some of the most effective research backed treatments for anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mental illnesses are body based. For example, exercise has been shown to be more effective than antidepressants treating mild to moderate depression. Yoga has been shown to be more effective than medication and treating PTSD. Gut health, sleep, nutrition and sunlight are all correlated with mental health. Long story short, take care of your body and you'll have better mental health. My dad is a professor, and as you could imagine, it's a pretty sedentary job. Most of the time, they live in Cache Valley, Utah, a place with freezing temperatures and blasting winds in the winter and for years, almost every December he would get a case of bronchitis, a lung infection that would give him a hacking cough, making it difficult to sleep and wearing him down physically and emotionally. But starting in his late forties, he started of running year round every morning, even in the cold, dark winter, he put on a warm clothing and go out for a run, and now he hasn't had bronchitis since he started running like it's been years, he says. I always feel better all day. When I run, my mind is much clearer. I feel more energetic and have greater stamina. Exercise has helped him manage stress and depression. Other people may look at him out running in the cold and think he's crazy, but it's actually the running that keeps him seen. In addition, toe exercise sleep is essential for mental health. Research is showing that one of the most effective ways to treat depression is by helping people improve the quality and quantity of their sleep. One study of people with depression found that after resolving their insomnia, 87% of them experienced major improvements in their depression. Their depression symptoms disappeared. After eight weeks of good sleep, you probably already know what you can do to improve your physical health and take care of your body. But here's a list of some self care ideas. Exercise. Find a form of movement that you enjoy, like going on walks, zumba gardening or whatever is enjoyable for you. Go to bed early, get enough sleep, see the attached sleep hygiene resource. Eat healthy, decreased caffeine. Eat more veggies. Include fermented foods For your gut health. Take care of your hygiene. Take a shower, do your hair and makeup, put on some perfume and some clothes that you like. The simple act of getting out of bed and getting dressed can help you feel better and make you feel more confident. Where clothing that makes you feel confident and comfortable by clothing that fits you. Now, even if you plan to lose or gain weight in the future, clean your house or just one area. Organize your living space in a way that makes you feel comfortable. De junk one area and take a load to the local charity Thrift shop When your mind is feeling cluttered, Sometimes a physical de junking can help. Take a nap, relax on the weekends. Take the Sabbath off, get out in nature, soak in some sun light and plant some seeds in the next section. We're going to talk about how to get things done so that you're able to make progress and move forward in your life, and that's gonna relieve stress and anxiety and help you get feeling better 17. Sleep Hygiene: Train yourself to sleep better: when my clients come in for treatment. For some of their challenges, like depression, anxiety or relational problems, one of the most common associated problems that they have is difficulty sleeping. This shows up is either having a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep or just feeling tired all the time. Getting enough quality sleep can make your brain function much better, and you'll be better at solving problems and feel more self control. In this video, we're gonna talk about how to train your brain to sleep well, and it's called sleep Hygiene. Hi, everyone. Emma McAdam here. I'm a licensed therapist, and I just wanted to remind you that I've got in depth mental health courses on you to me, Dawg. Calm. Right now, They're on sale for 9 99 So check out the link in the description. Okay, Back to sleep. Hygiene. So sleep is essential for good mental health. Lack of sleep can actually cause mental illness. Research is showing that one of the most effective ways to treat depression is by helping people improve the quality and the quantity of their sleep. One study of people with depression found that after resolving their insomnia, 87% of them experienced major improvements in their depression. Their depression symptoms disappeared after eight weeks of good sleep. So how do we improve our ability to get sleep? We can train our brain to sleep. Better sleep hygiene means going through a routine that trains your brain and body to know when to sleep. So like a muscle that strengthens with practice, sleeping well is a skill we can develop. Okay, so because you're trying to trigger the autonomic nervous system to start your sleep cycle , it's really important to use a routine. If you've ever tried to get a toddler to fall asleep, you know how important it is to stick to a routine. Adults aren't too different. Remember our minds? Like Pavlov's dogs, they learn to associate sights, smells and activities with these reflexive responses that are usually outside of our direct control. We can't force ourselves to sleep, but we can train our brain to know when to sleep. So start by creating a wind down routine before bedtime that the brain associates with sleeping. To do this, you want to keep a consistent schedule whenever possible so it try to go to bed and wake up around the same time each day. Dim the lights, cool the temperature and decrease your stimulation. So, for example, do quiet activities like reading a book or taking a bath because thes helped trigger calm. Don't watch TV or exercise right before bed. Another thing you can do is have a routine for right before bed. So, for example, um, in the evening you do a snack and you change into pajamas. Then you brushed teeth and get into bed, read a book, pray and go to sleep. In addition to a routine. There are some things you can do during the day that are going to improve your ability to fall asleep and stay asleep. Limit your naps during the day toe. Less than 30 minutes. Cut out screen time before bed. So not only are devices like phones and tablets and TV's very stimulating on dis triggers the alerting system in the brain, but also the tone of the light emanated from your screen tends to have a bluish tint to it , and this is similar to the bluish light in the mornings. So again, this is a biological trigger to wake up research shows that blue toned lights tend to trigger alertness, and red or yellow toned lights tend to trigger calmness. So if you must use your phone or tablet before bed, check to see if it has a night shift setting. This will shift your screen colors toward the red and yellow range. Next, turn your screen brightness down as low as possible and use the night setting for reading. And this makes it so your text appears as white letters on a black background. So many programs have this option in their settings. Also, put your phone on. Do not disturb mode while you're sleeping. And don't check your work emails right before bed or read anything that could be stressful , like the news or even your Facebook feed. Another thing you want to do is take a look at your caffeine use. Avoid caffeine for at least 4 to 6 hours before bedtime, even one cup of coffee or tea, even early in the morning. That can affect your sleep for up to 48 hours. So if you're not sure of how caffeine is impacting you, you could try going off caffeine for one week. The first couple of days, you might feel more tired, and by Day four you'll probably start feeling better. You'll have better sleep. You'll have better energy and be more focused. And you'll most likely be waking up less at night, and you'll find it easier to fall asleep within one week. Most people say I feel better off caffeine than on caffeine. They report better energy, better mood and better sleep. Another thing you want to think about is limiting alcohol use. While some people believe that alcohol helps them sleep and it might help people fall asleep. Alcohol interferes with your brain's ability to sleep well and repair itself, especially during the second half of the night, so that leaves you feeling mawr exhausted later. Another thing to think about is to avoid a rich, heavier fatty foods before bedtime. Anything that might cause heartburn or indigestion can interfere with sleep, but so could hunger, so you could try snack like a banana and peanut butter before bed. A warm glass of milk before bed has also been shown in clinical studies to be as effective as many sleep medications. But a lot of people just don't like the idea of drinking warm milk, you may want to try it. Exercise during the day can also greatly improve your ability to sleep, so even 10 minutes of exercise could make a difference. Also, light and sound can trigger alertness, so use earplugs, blackout curtains or I'm asks to help cut out that extra stimulus. Another thing you can try is a relax ation routine or meditation before bed. This is something like progressive muscle relaxation. You could check out the video I made on that, or you could listen to a guided imagery exercise. And again, as you're trying to create associations for your brain to trigger that sleep responds, you wanna Onley, use your bed for sleeping and sex. If your brain associates your bed with watching TV or working on your laptop eating, paying bills and etcetera, your brain is gonna associate your bed with alertness, not sleep. If you're having a very hard time falling asleep or falling back asleep, try getting up, get out of bed and do something really boring. Like listening to a boring audiobook or the documentary. Don't do anything to stimulating when I'm having a hard time sleeping. I like to listen to the show called Time Team, where a bunch of British archaeologist trying big toe find, you know, history. But it's pretty slow show and helps me fall asleep. Okay, I hope you found these tips helpful. And if you like this video, check out my other video called Insomnia Antidote, where I teach one way to turn off worry and fall asleep. Thanks for watching and take care. 18. 13 Making Progress: true self care is not salt baths and chocolate cake. It's making the choice to build a life you don't need to regularly escape from. And that often takes doing the thing you least want to dio. One of the most effective forms of self care is simply taking care of business, resolving problems so that you don't have to deal with them over and over. Usually this type of self care is not pleasant or enjoyable in the moment. I mean, there's a reason people avoid paying bills and balancing their budget and setting boundaries. It's because it's stressful to face these problems. But when you've taken care of these long running problems, you can prevent a huge amount of stress from happening in your life. When I feel stressed out and overwhelmed with everything I have to do in life with. One thing that helps me feel better is to sit down with a pen and paper and write out all the things I need to do. Then I could just choose one task to start working on this de clutters my mind and helps resolve that frantic feeling of trying to do too many things at once. as you make progress, get stuff done and move toward growth. You'll feel a sense of pride in yourself that you're becoming the type of person that you want to be. This form of self care is all about managing your life in a way that helps you feel good about yourself and prevents future problems. Let me give you some examples of self care through self maintenance, right it to do list. Then do one of the items make a plan to save money or get out of debt and take one small step in that direction. Fix one thing around your house at the beginning of each week. Plan your week out and intentionally schedule me time scheduled time to take care of some tasks that you would normally avoid. Clean one area de junk, one area or organized one drawer. Do your homework. Forgive someone you've been harboring. A grudge toward set healthy boundaries. Say no. Learn how to tactfully say no to invitation to request that times when you already feel overwhelmed, be assertive. Learn how to express your wants and needs in a kind way. Make a list of your goals or values the characteristics you want to embody and choose one to work on this week, Clear out your email inbox or clean off your computer desktop or your phone storage in the next section. We're gonna talk about how to find joy, even when things were tough. 19. What to do if you're Overwhelmed: You know that feeling You get on a Sunday evening when you start to realize the weekend is ending and you start thinking about everything you have to do next week. That feeling of dread and overwhelmed. Well, in this video, we're gonna talk about one antidote to feeling overwhelmed. Hi, Ruan. Emma McAdam here. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. And this is my baby girl, Greece. He's my sweetie. Okay, I have two other sweeties too, So I'm making this video in my backyard while the kids play inside with my husband. Um, so in this video, we're gonna talk about overwhelm. Hey, did you know I've got four courses on you to me dot com on mental health topics. These courses go in depth on how to help treat depression, anxiety, PTSD, and how to learn coping skills for stress and other issues. So check those out right now. They're on sale for 99 on. You know me dot com. So check the link in the description and let's get back to the video. So when you get overwhelmed, do you feel like paralyzed, or do you freeze up or quit or on the other hand. Do you like, run amok, like trying frantically to do everything. Maybe you get irritable or defensive or procrastinate and avoid your tasks. When you start to have a bad day, do you go out of your way to bring to mind every single bad thing that has ever happened to you? Or do you just feel like there's so much to do? It's pointless to start like these behaviors. They're all functional in the short term, they give us an excuse to shut down and curl up in bed, but they aren't gonna help you in the long run. On the other hand, some people have a habit of sprinting around, trying to do everything for everyone until they become completely exhausted. And then they shut down and this might get some things done. But it isn't sustainable in the long run. We often develop these habitual responses to high levels of stress, and our tendency is to shrink back, withdraw or protect oneself. Each one of these responses is a type of fight, flight or freeze response, and it's triggered by an overload to the alerting part of the brain. This is the sympathetic nervous system, so these responses their natural, but they often get in the way of getting anything done. So take a minute right now and think about what are your behaviors when you feel overwhelmed. And how well are they working for you? The deep brain? So this is the brain stem and the limbic system. The deep brain is not built to multitask efficiency, our cortex. So that's like the front part of your brain. It could do that a little bit, but juggling multiple tasks freaks out our core brain, and this triggers an emotional response. This shutdown response. But fortunately, this is something we can counter act in a few simple ways. So the first thing you want to do is check yourself for faulty thinking that gets in the way of getting stuff done. So thoughts like I should be able to handle all of this right now. There's this faulty idea that scientific discoveries were all this single eureka moment, and the reality is, most tasks great and small are accomplished by degrees. The small progress that builds on other people's work or little bits of progress here and there. Another piece of faulty thinking that's going to stop you is all or nothing thinking, you know, and this says if I can't do it all right and get it all right, then I might as well not even try. Instead, practice big picture thinking, paired with small actions. Here's another type of faulty thinking that's gonna interfere with your ability to get things done when you're overwhelmed. This idea that I must always say yes, that I have toe always do what other people want me to do. Instead, you and I, we've all gotta learn to say no and to prioritize. We want to be able to maximize a short time in this life. We want to able to do everything and take care of everyone, and we sometimes delude ourselves that it's even possible to do everything. Then we spread ourselves too thin, and we multitask ourselves into non productivity. I'm might be multitasking a little bit here, but seem to be working so far. Um, instead, choose the important over the urgent and prioritize your tasks so that you don't feel like you have to do everything. Here's another type of thinking that's gonna get in the way when you're overwhelmed. If you say I'll do it when I don't feel blank about it. So I'll put myself out there when I don't feel scared or I'll start writing my book when I feel motivated. Sometimes we just need to start something before our confidence and our motivation builds. So let's talk about one antidote to being overwhelmed. First, write it all down, right? Do a brain dump, remind map and then break it down, break it down into small concrete steps. Next, prioritized. Choose what's most important and say no to the least important tasks. Or put them off for a little bit later and then do one thing. Just do one thing. There is immense power in just doing one thing. The hardest parts of projects are the 1st 1% in the last 10% but it's usually the 1st 1% that stops us. If we can just take that first step, we start to get motivated. And then we often complete the project. So, for example, recently attended this seminar that discussed the enemies to writing and fear, uncertainty and self doubt where some of the main enemies to getting riding done, and the antidote was to simply start riding and work on it a little bit at a time. So I have a system where I just force myself to write. Even when I don't feel like it. And I tell myself, Just work on one section and after I get started on one section, pretty soon I find myself going and going. I mean, this is usually, like, five in the morning, because that's the only time I have a chance to write when I have all these kids around here. But, um, e get going and I don't want to stop and then I get a bunch done, so just get started. I love this little Mim from Veronica dearly, though I may have needed to edit it a bit because my Children might watch my channel somebody in the future. So if you're thinking, how the bleep am I going to get through the next week, make a list of what you need to get done. Put your pajamas on getting early night, get ready to kick some butt, and remember, you've gotten through all the weeks up until now, you guys got this, so check out my video and catastrophe izing if you want to learn more about recognizing thoughts that cause anxiety. And please share this video because you never know who needs it today, Thanks for watching and take care. 20. 15. Joy in the Journey: life can be difficult. Every stage of life comes with challenges and struggles, and it could be really easy to get bogged down in the difficulties that you face daily and to lose track of the beautiful things in life. Joy is different than happiness. Happiness is about feeling good in the moment. But joy is about the big picture, that feeling that your life is going in the right direction, those moments of beauty and happiness that can happen even in the middle of difficulties. It's easy to fall into the trap of waiting for things to change in order to feel joy in some imaginary future. People think that they'll be happy after they retire or after the kids move out or when they get a new job. But self care can help you find beautiful moments of joy in the midst of the challenges you're facing. You can do it by looking for the good in your situation, finding ways to laugh and taking quiet moments to step back. And remember the big picture. Find a way to incorporate humor into your life, even in the difficulties. Hang out with a group year old friends and laugh your head off, go to a comedy show, do some improv classes, watch funny videos on the Internet and practice, taking difficult events and finding a way to make them funny. I once heard the story of three families who went on vacation together with small Children and as Children do. They made things pretty difficult, throwing fits, making messes, refusing to get in. The car is losing their shoes, etcetera, etcetera. And at first the parents were frustrated, angry and impatient. But then they decided to make a secret game out of it. They decided to award themselves imaginary points for their child's bad behaviour and have a competition to see whose kids one when something went wrong. They would then gently kid each other, saying things like my boys and overachiever. He's already scored 45 points and it's not even breakfast or who look how loud my kid is screaming 10 points for me. They weren't mocking their kids. They were just finding a way to laugh at a difficult and stressful situation. Here's a few more examples of how you can find joy in the journey. Make your place of work a little brighter intentionally relax during breaks. Go for a walk or do a breathing exercise. Build relationships with coworkers by chatting with them and doing kind things for them. Decorate your office the way you like, or even taking treats for your co workers. Practice mindfulness. Be where you're at. Just stop, breathe and look around. You look for something beautiful and you'll find it. Sometimes when I'm completely overwhelmed by my Children and all the responsibilities I have, I just stop set my phone to the side and look up. I look my Children in the eye. I look around me and I'm reminded of their beauty and goodness, and I feel a bit calmer and more connected to them. Take a moment at the end of each day and consciously list a few good things in your life. This could help refocus your emotions on all the positive things that happen each day, Even when it doesn't seem like it. Turn off notifications on your phone. Choose what you want to look at. Instead of letting your phone choose for you, start a passion project and scheduled in time to work on it. Take care of your soul. Take time to pray meditate or read scripture or motivational text, or spend time in nature. Develop a hobby. Crafting, painting, drawing, knitting, sewing, woodworking. Some of mine include photography and metal detecting. Use a site like meet up dot com, find something you're interested in and commit to attending at least one meeting. Read a book on something you're interested in. Outside of work. I volunteer at a homeless shelter, soup, kitchen, animal shelter or other place where you could help those who are less fortunate. Learn a new board game you've never played, such as chess, backgammon or a fellow. In the next section, we're gonna talk about how to strengthen your connections so that you have more joy and a better support network. So let's jump into that. 21. 16. Connection for Health: Renee Brown said. A deep sense of love and belonging is an irresistible need of all people. We're biologically, cognitively, physically and spiritually wired to love and be loved ends to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function is we're meant to. We break, we fall apart, we numb. We take, we hurt others. We get sick. We are inherently social creatures. Social connection is essential to mental and emotional health. We simply are built to be alone and lonely, as Children were completely unable to regulate our emotions on our own. Instead, infants and Children soothed with hugs, connection and empathy as adults we arm or independent, but we still rely on others for our emotional health. Then this is in part because the emotional part of the brain and the relational part of the brain are both in the limbic system. They're inseparable. Loneliness has been shown to be worse for health in the long run than smoking, obesity and high blood pressure. In one study, participants were put through a scenario stimulating rejection. Brain imaging showed that the brain perceived rejection similar to the way it perceives physical pain, and when participants were asked to take Tylenol is part of the study. They experienced less pain upon rejection. This shows that the brain interprets social isolation or rejection to be as threatening as physical pain or danger. Connection isn't just a nice principle. It's a biological fact. The human brain doesn't work well without connection. Now that we live in a huge global community, we often forget about that need for connection. Our modern society has a huge emphasis on individual ism, and people are growing more and more isolated as time goes on. One and four people say they don't have a close friend. So take some time today to make connecting with others your priority. Choose one way to strengthen your social bonds. Here are some examples of how to do that. Find someone to thank. Write them a note or express appreciation. Ask someone for help. Take a few extra lunch items to share with someone at work, do a random act of kindness. Hug someone you care about for at least eight seconds. Start a cycle of encouragement. Tell someone near you what you appreciate about them. They may return a favor when you need it the most. Call your mom, dad or any other family member you care about just to say hi. Send a completely random care package to someone you love who doesn't love a surprise, intentionally reestablished contact with someone you've lost touch with or have unresolved conflict with. If there is conflict, resolve it and let go of the unnecessary baggage. Call your friend or sibling when you know they can't answer and leave a ridiculously funny made of song as your voicemail. You'll spread a little laughter and you'll probably laugh yourself, make brownies and give them away to a neighbor, family number friend or someone you know that could use a Pick me up. Write a review of a business you like. Center that positive energy into the universe and share some love for your favorite local places. We all get busy but making a point to make a date night with your significant other. Make sure to interact with others face to face. Make eye contact. This impacts the brain in a much more soothing way than digital interactions. Do take the time to connect with family and friends. Schedule it in ahead of time. Put it on the calendar If you want cuddles or a massage or quality time from your partner. Ask for it. Sometimes the easiest way to get your needs met is to voice your needs in the first place. 22. 16. Course Summary: E. Hope you found this course helpful as you think about what you've learned. Take the time right now to make sure you've got a list of your coping skills somewhere close at hand. Whether that's on your phone or pinned to your wall, make sure to practice emotion, soothing a little bit every day and schedule some time into your calendar for self care and give yourself a little pat on the back for taking the time to learn new skills to be healthier and happier. Take care. 23. Bonus Section: Setting Healthy Boundaries #1: The second most common obstacle to setting boundaries is the belief that a boundary is telling the other person what they need to dio. So let's take a better look at how to set boundaries in a way that actually works. Setting boundaries is about taking action within your realm of control. If you're trying to change another person, you're focusing on changing something that you have no power over. It creates a sense of powerlessness, and I think that's why a lot of people feel frustrated about boundaries. For example, you can't talk to me that way. I mean, is that true? I mean, of course they can talk to you that way. Now there might be consequences for them doing it, but they can talk to you that way. A really boundary is saying what you're going to do in response to their behaviors. Let's use an example from my treatment center experience. So I once had this client who arrived in treatment and for three days she didn't talk, eat or take her medicine. Now, after a couple days, we were all feeling pretty worried, and the staff came to our weekly meeting basically, you know, in a panic, saying you have to do something. You have to make her eat. Now, what were our options, right? We couldn't force food into her mouth and move her jaw up and down like that's not gonna do anything. We could threaten her. Say, if you don't eat, then we're gonna punish you later. Or if you don't eat bad things are gonna happen to you. What are our other options? We could throw a little fit. You know, I could scream and yell, make a big scene about it. But again, she would always have that that choice of whether or not she eats. Now the more anxious we get, the more likely we're gonna be doing things that aren't intentional and try to be more and more forceful. And the problem with that is, if the deeper problem with most people has nothing to do with the surface behavior, if the deeper problem is about anxiety or self worth than the harder we force, the bigger the problem is gonna be. So with this client, she was feeling really scared and looking for some control in her environment. And the more we forced it upon her, the less likely she was going to be able to resolve that need for safety and self control. Now, remember all these different options that we could talk about in that staff meeting? We're probably gonna make the problem worse. Why is that? Well, the more we push on someone else, the more they're gonna push back. The harder we try and make our child to do something, the less likely they're gonna want to do that on their own in the future. Now, I'm not saying that we just give up and let our kids or our employees do whatever they want . Right? Research shows that loss a fair parenting, meaning just kind of letting kids were on themselves. Is Justus harmful for kids as authoritarian, harsh parenting? The type of parenting that creates the best results is high love, high boundaries. So you have high expectations, and you're also fostering that in this environment of love and support. So how do we set boundaries if we aren't focusing on telling someone else what they need to dio? Boundaries are about saying what you will do, so they often involve an if then statement. Like if you don't eat your food, then you can't have ice cream later. I'm not necessarily saying that this is the only approach or the best approach to the not eating situation, but it is the basic idea behind it is we have to think of boundaries as being about saying what we're going to do and the action we're gonna take in response to a situation. And part of this is just acknowledging that everyone around us has their own agency. They have the ability to choose what kind of decisions they're gonna make, and trying to force them to change is going to backfire. When adults interact and try to set boundaries, they often try to convince someone else debate with them or change how that person is treating them. Perhaps they demanded that the other person treat them differently, regardless of the exact approach. All of these different styles are attempt to getting the other person to change, which creates a powerless feeling for the person who's trying to set that boundary. So let's talk about a few steps to setting good, healthy, assertive boundaries. This topic is continued in the next video. How to set boundaries part to check it out to hear what happened with my client and learn specific steps to setting boundaries in different situations. I hope this was helpful. Thanks for watching and take care. 24. Heathty Boundaries #2: The second most common obstacle to setting boundaries is the belief that a boundary is telling the other person what they need to dio. So let's take a better look at how to set boundaries in a way that actually works. Setting boundaries is about taking action within your realm of control. If you're trying to change another person, you're focusing on changing something that you have no power over. It creates a sense of powerlessness, and I think that's why a lot of people feel frustrated about boundaries. For example, you can't talk to me that way. I mean, is that true? I mean, of course they can talk to you that way. Now there might be consequences for them doing it, but they can talk to you that way. A really boundary is saying what you're going to do in response to their behaviors. Let's use an example from my treatment center experience. So I once had this client who arrived in treatment and for three days she didn't talk, eat or take her medicine. Now, after a couple days, we were all feeling pretty worried, and the staff came to our weekly meeting basically, you know, in a panic, saying you have to do something. You have to make her eat. Now, what were our options, right? We couldn't force food into her mouth and move her jaw up and down like that's not gonna do anything. We could threaten her. Say, if you don't eat, then we're gonna punish you later. Or if you don't eat bad things are gonna happen to you. What were our other options? We could throw a little fit. You know, I could scream and yell, make a big scene about it. But again, she would always have that that choice of whether or not she eats. Now the more anxious we get, the more likely we're gonna be doing things that aren't intentional and try to be more and more forceful. And the problem with that is, if the deeper problem with most people has nothing to do with the surface behavior, if the deeper problem is about anxiety or self worth than the harder we force, the bigger the problem is gonna be. So with this client, she was feeling really scared and looking for some control in her environment. And the more we forced it upon her, the less likely she was going to be able to resolve that need for safety and self control. Now, remember all these different options that we could talk about in that staff meeting? We're probably going to make the problem worse. Why is that? Well, the more we push on someone else, the more they're gonna push back. The harder we try and make our child to do something, the less likely they're gonna want to do that on their own in the future. Now, I'm not saying that we just give up and let our kids or our employees do whatever they want . Right? Research shows that loss a fair parenting, meaning just kind of letting kids were on themselves. Is Justus harmful for kids as authoritarians? Harsh parenting The type of parenting that creates the best results is high love, high boundaries. So you have high expectations, and you're also fostering that in this environment of love and support. So how do we set boundaries if we aren't focusing on telling someone else what they need to do? Boundaries are about saying what you will do, so they often involve an if then statement, like if you don't eat your food, then you can't have ice cream later. I'm not necessarily saying that this is the only approach or the best approach to the not eating the situation, but it is the basic idea behind it is we have to think of boundaries as being about saying what we're gonna do and the action we're going to take in response to a situation. And part of this is just acknowledging that everyone around us has their own agency. They have the ability to choose what kind of decisions they're gonna make, and trying to force them to change is going to backfire. When adults interact and try to set boundaries, they often try to convince someone else debate with them or change how that person is treating them. Perhaps they demanded that the other person treat them differently, regardless of the exact approach. All of these different styles are attempt to getting the other person to change, which creates a powerless feeling for the person who's trying to set that boundary. So let's talk about a few steps to setting good, healthy, assertive boundaries. This topic is continued in the next video. How to set boundaries part to check it out, to hear what happened with my client and learn specific steps to setting boundaries in different situations, 25. Healthy Boundaries #3: Let's talk about a few steps to setting good, healthy, assertive boundaries. Waken divide our impact on other people into three different areas are area of control, influence and concern. The majority of our interactions are relationships of influence, not control. So seeking control is going to backfire when we want to influence others to make a positive outcome More likely, Here's some actions that we can take Riel Influence comes from relationships and creating a positive environment. So over 95% of effort should be on changing yourself and creating an environment of safety , love and trust. Where the other person wants to do what you're asking them to dio. This means we seek solutions. Instead of focusing on problems, we try to improve the situation. We try to understand what that other person is needing in the situation with my client who wasn't eating, I needed to understand that she was experiencing extreme anxiety, and by doing that, we were able to resolve that need by creating an environment of safety and trust. We let the staff get to know her and her get to know the staff. We sat with her. We were patient. We waited for her time frame. And on the next today, on Day four, she started eating and talking with the staff. Work with the person to build a relationship of understanding. So trying to understand why your child doesn't want to eat or what's going on in their life that's inviting them to act this way. Number two. Explain to the person how their behaviors are affecting you. So this might look like a statement that goes something like When you forget to do the dishes, I feel hurt because it seems like you don't care about me, right? So you do these statements when you do this, I feel this way. Here's how your actions are impacting me when you show up late for curfew. I feel scared for your safety, and I don't feel a lot of trust that you care about me, right? So we're not trying to be passive aggressive. We're not trying to guilt trip, but we're trying to explain the natural consequences that that that stem from their actions . Make sure t to do this gently with love and also listening to them for what they have to say work hard to understand your contribution to the problem by listening to them. Number three is to use invitations as much as possible. So if you have a good relationship with someone, you can ask them to do something they don't want to dio like, will you please do this for me? Because it really matters to me or I'm asking you to take this step. Can you do that? And if they straight up, say no, then you have a couple options, right? You can look at How can you build that relationship? Can you improve their trust in you? You can also choose to cut off the relationship. Good boundaries are as much about what we allow in as what we keep out. Sometimes we just need to say I accept this person or situation, even if I don't like what they're doing. We can't expect to use boundaries as a way to change everyone to our liking. The serenity prayer can be helpful here. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Now there are times when inviting doesn't work with our Children with our co workers and maybe even with our spouse. There are times when we need to set a boundary that is, is quite a bit firmer than an invitation or a request saying things like, No, I will not buy that candy for you or no, you may not hit your sister are really essential toe to raising a child with good discipline. And you'll notice that both of those statements are things you can enforce with your own power. So you have the money, and you have the ability to put your hand between the brother and sister so they don't hate each other or to pick one up and take them to their room if you need to. So, when necessary, use natural and logical consequences to assert your control. So this often looks like a statement that is called an if then statement. So if you show up late for curfew, then I'm not letting you use the car the next time. Or if you speak to me that way, then I'm not taking you to the store to buy some candy. Later on, successful boundaries between adults look a little different. They look something like if you treat me that way, then I'm probably not gonna talk to you as much. Or if you treat our Children this way, I'm calling the police. Check out my upcoming video on natural and logical consequences form or explanation about how to apply these, when absolutely necessary, use force to keep people safe. So this might look like picking up your child who's hurting another child and carrying them to another room. Or, um, in. If a law is being broken, you call the police. Removing yourself physically from a situation can be quite powerful, too, with the previous story of my client and residential treatment. If the worst had happened, if she had continued to not eat or if not taking her medication was threatening her physical safety, then we would have needed to take her to the hospital where they might have needed to put in a feeding tube or an I V line for the medication. Trying to assert your influence through physical force on Lee works when someone is smaller or weaker than you, so it's often used with Children, but it's not going to provide a long term solution to whatever the problem is That's why it's important to always use as many other options as possible. First, because of the loving and firm way that we handled the situation, it wasn't necessary to take her to the hospital. When it comes to setting boundaries, always remember the long term goal, which is creating a relationship where your child or your employees or your spouse wants to do the right thing. Wants to be healthy, wants to respect you. And with that in mind, we're not looking for short term quick fixes that we're going to negatively affect the relationship we're looking toe understand and set firm, clear, healthy boundaries that are gonna help them want to do the right thing. So 95% of your efforts should be modeling, teaching, inviting, listening, um, showing them that you care and trying to understand what they need. And when you're doing that, you're gonna be helping things go right and the need for boundaries is going to decrease. But when that 5% of time happens when you need to set a boundary, let's make sure you do it in a way that is within your realm of control. I hope this was helpful. Thanks for watching and take care