Being Assertive in Appropriate Ways | Robin Hills | Skillshare

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Lessons in This Class

14 Lessons (34m)
    • 1. Being Assertive in Appropriate Ways Introduction

      2:36
    • 2. Objectives of the Class on Assertiveness

      1:17
    • 3. Rights and Responsibilities

      3:53
    • 4. Assertiveness and Self Esteem

      2:24
    • 5. The Choices of Behaviour

      2:20
    • 6. Aggressive Behaviour

      1:25
    • 7. Passive Behaviour

      1:19
    • 8. Assertive Behaviour

      0:59
    • 9. Passive Aggressive Behaviour

      2:33
    • 10. Assertiveness Methods and Techniques

      6:25
    • 11. Barriers to Assertiveness

      2:06
    • 12. Ways to Say No

      2:30
    • 13. Rules of Assertiveness

      1:45
    • 14. Being Assertive in Appropriate Ways Review

      2:07
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About This Class

Please sign up at ei4change.com for emotional intelligence news and resources.

Assertion is not about being aggressive nor is it about getting your own way.  It is about standing up for your rights and expressing your needs, your thoughts and your feelings in appropriate ways so that they are listened to with consideration. 

This class looks at different types of behaviour

  • Aggressive behaviour
  • Passive behaviour
  • Assertive behaviour

There are some hints, tips and methods that you can use to build your assertion to improve your interactions and relationships with others.

Changing your behaviour is NOT easy, especially when you are trying to be more assertive.  People will not necessarily react in positive, supportive ways and you will will have to deal with your emotional responses to this.

Meet Your Teacher

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Robin Hills

Emotional Intelligence coach and facilitator

Teacher

Hi. I'm Robin Hills. It is my intention to offer the best and highest quality courses on emotional intelligence available through SkillShare and across the internet.  I am not teaching any other types of course as I am a specialist in emotional intelligence and it is the focus of my business. 

Teaching emotional intelligence skills is a challenge at the best of times. I am not teaching any other types of class as I am a specialist in emotional intelligence and it is the focus of my business.

These courses require you to take some ACTION and put into practice what you have learnt.

Please note that all classes are continually refined and updated to ensure they remain current and relevant.

I am an emotional intelligence coach, trainer an... See full profile

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Transcripts

1. Being Assertive in Appropriate Ways Introduction: Hello, My name's Robin Hills. I am an emotional intelligence coach, trainer and facilitator. The only classes that are deliver, all based around emotion intelligence. They look out ways that you can develop your emotional intelligence at work, in social settings and at home. Emotional intelligence could be defined us the way in which you combine your thinking with your feelings to make good quality decisions on build authentic relationships. It all sounds simple enough, doesn't it? But developing your emotional intelligence requires some commitment from you. Rather than just watching a few videos, you need to make a conscious efforts take action, changing the way that you're interacting with other people on the way that you behave. Now all of this could be quite difficult. It'll make you feel uncomfortable. It will make you feel awkward. More often than not, it will be easier to stay where you are. That's not going to develop your emotional intelligence. The way to develop your emotional intelligence is to see how changing your approach to situations works, see what doesn't work and get some feedback. This class will give you more insights into assertiveness or what it means. People often second session for aggression. Sometimes people think that being assertive, but they're not there being aggressive. Sometimes people think that they know being assertive. It'll but they are. They're being aggressive passively. If that sounds confusing, work through the class that you'll get some insights into what asserting is all about and how you can work with a social more effectively. It's important to stress that in order for you to get the best out of the class, you should work through the project. It will help you to determine how you're working with your assertion currently, and we'll help you to look at ways to change the way that you work with assertiveness. Toe have more impact. The opportunity is there for you to interact with other people, taking the class and to interact with me. I hope you enjoy taking the class, and I look forward to working with you. So let's get started 2. Objectives of the Class on Assertiveness: assertiveness is being able to stand up for yourself and being able to express your thoughts and feelings while taking care of your needs. Assertiveness is being able to express your feelings and your opinions, being able to say no with conviction on being able to say no without feeling guilty. If it's something that you don't want to do, it's your capability of being able to express that assertiveness is setting your own priorities. Where how you spend your time, assertiveness is asking for what you want, and assertiveness is being able to take reasonable risks. There are times, however, when you may choose not to assert yourself when you feel it will be better not to say anything at all. What we'll do is look at what assertiveness is and the behaviors associated with different types of assertion. Well, I don't find methods and techniques and tips to express behavior in an assertive way. We'll explore, have to be assertive, inappropriate ways 3. Rights and Responsibilities: Issues around assertiveness fundamentally rest upon the basic right. Switch every human being deserves to have Matt. Assertiveness involves rights, yours, and responsibilities to others. Assertiveness is about getting the balance right between acknowledging and requesting your individual rights while considering the rights of others. By doing this, we communicate openly and honestly. Everyone has the right to judge their own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences. I have the rights be treated with dignity and respect. I have the right to decide what is best for me. I have the right to change my mind. I have the right to express my own feelings and opinions. I have the right to ask for water Walden to need. I have the right to set my own priorities. I have the right say no without feeling guilty. I have the right to be listened to and taken seriously. I have the right to make mistakes. I have the right to all of my human weaknesses and limitations without guilt or shame. So your basic rights are to be treated as an intelligent, capable human being. These rights are as important his basic human survival, security, and social needs. The assertive person views the most important is food, drink, and shelter. Everyone also has the right to choose not to accept any responsibility for other people. This includes other people's feeling some problems which ultimately their responsibility. However, it's your responsibility to treat other people as intelligent, capable, unequal. You also have other responsibilities towards others. I have the responsibility to treat others with the same dignity and respect I desire from them. I have the responsibility to allow others to decide what is best for them. I have the responsibility to allow others to change their minds. I have the responsibility to express feelings and opinions in a way that does not insult or puts others down. I have the responsibility to allow others to us for what they need. I have the responsibility to allow others the right to refuse my request, even though I might not like being refused. I have the responsibility to allow others the right to say, no. I have the responsibility to listen to others and take them seriously. I have the responsibility to accept the consequences of their mistakes. I have the responsibility to allow others their weaknesses without ridiculing or resenting them. Remember, the other people may be struggling with their assertiveness. To behaving assertively means that you don't become fixated on your own rights to the extent that you're unaware of the rights of others. You have the right not to understand something, but equally, you have the responsibility to try and improve your understanding. You have the responsibility to allow others not to understand without embarrassing them. Therefore, assertiveness is about open, honest communication. It's about rights, that these rights bringing responsibilities. 4. Assertiveness and Self Esteem: Here are some key considerations around assertiveness. This is a, this is your life. There is no second chance. You are your biggest asset. And Joe, best results. Genetic sound fair, Neogene. So what you've got, life is learning experience. You count fail, you can only choose. The most important thing you can do is to choose. No one can do it for you. You have to do it yourself. If you don't decide for yourself about your life, somebody else will decide for you. The logi puts it off, the harder it becomes. Nothing is free. You have to earn it. No work, no gain. You know, all you need to know to do what you have to do. The more you do of what you're doing, the more you'll get support you've got. Much of assertiveness is linked to self-esteem and the views that we hold ourselves, you can significantly improve your psychological self-esteem, your self regard by looking after yourself. These basic rules, you know, so they're set out here really just to remind you and to encourage you to do something about it. Work towards maintain your ideal weight. Your ideal body weight, given your body shape and bone structure, your body is what you eat. So eat sensibly, exercise regularly and get yourself physically fit. Plants some time for you so that part of every week you have time feel cell replaces television with an interests that will stretch you in some way, physically, socially, intellectually, or emotionally. That's not to say that you shouldn't watch any television. Just watch the programs that really interests you, rather than watching anything just because it's own plan, quality time with your family and friends and those who are emotionally significant for you. And reward yourself for your successes. Small rewards for small things, significant rewards for major achievements. 5. The Choices of Behaviour: Assertiveness is misunderstood. Assertiveness is often perceived as being aggressive. It's ironic really because assertiveness involves the ability to communicate clearly, specific layer Dan ambiguously, whilst at the same time being sensitive to the needs of other people and their responses to a certain situation. In any situation you're faced with a choice around how to behave. Aggression is I'm going to hurt you so that I could win out to the circumstances in you lose out. Passive is I'm going to let you her main, I'm going to let you went on this occasion so that I lose out. And assertion with both safe, there were both equal. We both have rights, we both have needs. We both have opinions, and these are going to be reflected appropriately. I weighed, you win. And we both come out of the situation having negotiated wattages that we both want and what we can both live with. There is another choice, passive aggressive. This is based on the assumption that the other person should know what you're thinking or feeling and often arises of time around poor communication. It can be difficult to recognize in others. It should not quite sure what you're dealing with and is an attempt to try to exert emotional control mainly on not being malicious because she didn't want to hurt the other person is your attempt not to express any message that may be interpreted as negative. However, you behave negatively by not doing what you agree or by deliberately not doing certain things, not realizing how frustrating this is. Occasionally there's malicious intent and because your annoyance or anger is not understood, you manipulate things that will deliberately antagonize the other person. Here the intent is to act like a victim and so highlight the other person as the bad word. It's often very difficult to distinguish passive aggressive behavior from passive behavior or assertive behavior. Because what she said and what is agreed seemed to be very similar and seem to be very reasonable. 6. Aggressive Behaviour: It's a common mistake to confuse assertive behavior with aggressive behavior. And this is the reason why some people shy away from the idea of being assertive to them. Assertion means aggression. They fear that they'll have to impose their will on other people and they'll have to hurt them. And that they won't seem likeable. This is not so big cause aggressive behavior means expressing rights, feelings, opinions, and needs with no regard for other people, and no respect for other people. Feelings are expressed in an angry and demanding way. And that person's needs are deemed far more important than those of other people. Others are seen as having very little to contribute. The aim is to get to now come to win at the expense of other people. The immediate benefits of aggressive behavior or a release of tension. And the person who's being aggressive feels a sense of power. However, the long-term effects of aggressive behavior is that the person feels guilty and the way in which they behave towards other people. And other people start to resent them and their behavior. And they don't like working with them and they don't like being with them. 7. Passive Behaviour: Passive behavior, on the other hand, is not expressing one's own rights, feelings, opinions, and needs. It means bottling up one's own feelings, giving into other people. Seeing yourself as having little contributes. Passive behavior means avoiding conflict and pleasing others. Many people express passive behavior because they don't like conflict. And they feared that an interaction where lead to some level of disagreement. The easiest option is to acquiesce. To give in. This avoids conflict and provide some immediate reduction of anxiety. And they avoid feeling guilty. However, there are some long-term effects of passive behaviour. In the long term, passive behavior leads to a loss of self-esteem. It leads to anger. Anger oneself for not having stood up to an aggressor. It leads to high levels of stress. Other people see passive behavior in an irritating way and over a long period of time and they start to lack respect for the individual that shows this passive behavior. 8. Assertive Behaviour: Assertive behavior is all about expressing rights, feelings, opinions, and needs, whilst maintaining respect for those of other people. Assertive behaviors, spat, expressing feelings in a direct, honest and appropriate way. Recognizing or helping others to recognize that, shoot your needs not being met. You'll feel rejected, angry, sad, or any other type of emotion which will cause them some concerns. Assertion is not about winning. It's about putting across your views so that they're listened to. It means that in certain circumstances you're not going to get the outcome that you're looking for. But it means that you've puts cross your thoughts. You've put them over in a way that being considered. They've been listened to. And there's a degree of respect for the way in which your thinking and the way in which you're expressing yourself. 9. Passive Aggressive Behaviour: In addition to the three types of behavior associated with assertion, There's a third, the behavior that we need to consider, passive aggressive behavior. This type of behavior is something that most of us will consider and do on occasions forming the basis of frustration, resentment, or a grudge. However, if the behavior Forbes the main parts of a person's attitude or becomes an established trait. Professional help is advisable. Although passive aggressive behavior can be a feature of various mental health conditions, it is usually severe enough to be considered a distinct medical illness. Passive aggressive behavior can interfere with relationships and can cause difficulty. So work, passive aggressive behavior could appear to be similar to passive behavior. In the first instance, there's a pattern of repressing and indirectly expressing disagreeable, unpleasant emotions about a person or a situation, instead of openly addressing them. With this type of behavior, there's a disconnect between what's a passive aggressive person says and what he or she does. For example, a passive aggressive person might appear to agree, perhaps even enthusiastically with another person's request. Rather than complying with the request, he or she might express anger or resentment non-verbally through sabotaged, by failing to follow through what is required, deliberately avoiding someone, purposefully ignoring their requests, or intentionally missing deadlines. Specific signs of passive aggressive behavior include resentments and opposition to the requests of others. Procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others requests. As cynical, solid, or hostile attitude, frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated, plotting and exacting revenge. Although passive aggression may derive temporary perceived benefits in the short term, they can cause significant personal and professional damage in the long run. The more effective alternative to passive aggressiveness is to exercise incisive self-awareness and practice highly effective communication and relational skills. 10. Assertiveness Methods and Techniques: Here are some methods, some hints and tips and some techniques for you to build your assertion and to express your behavior more assertively. Firstly, know the facts about the situation. Do your research know exactly what it is that you're dealing with? Anticipates how other people are going to respond to you being assertive and prepare your response accordingly. Think through the consequences and think about how they're going to react and how you're going to react. Use good open questions. What When, Where, how Why recondition other people to see you as being more assertive and practice new reactions to their behaviors? Have faith in yourself. Have faith e your style and your abilities and your assertion will work in the face of aggression. Feel sympathy towards that person who is reacting to you in that way in the face of passiveness. Feel empathy and try to understand why the person is feeling that way towards you. In the first instance, changing your assertion is likely to be met with confusion. People used to you reacting and behaving in a certain way. This confusion is going to show itself in a number of ways. People are likely to react negatively. Aggressive people are likely to become more aggressive initially whilst passive people may avoid you or they'll give into your baby via you need to be able to be prepared to deal with these consequences. Here are some activities for you to try, particularly when someone's trying to put you down. The main aims when dealing with these situations is to stop the other person from behaving the way in which they're behaving and to do so in a way that means that he or she will have a level of self respect and self esteem and to maintain their relationship with you. The first technique is to ignore it, and eventually the other person will stop. The other person will respect you for being mature. Professional negative assertion is a technique toe handle. People who attack you verbally. In this technique, you deflate their comments by agreeing with parts of the negative accusation. You're always making silly mistakes. Yes, I do make mistakes occasionally and your stupid and lazy. I admit I'm not the cleverest person and I never claimed to be the hardest worker. Negative inquiry is a technique which invites the other person's provide extra criticism, and at the same time it allows you to decide whether or not the criticism is fair. You're always making silly mistakes. Oh, really? Can you be more specific? And you have a bad attitude? I'm not sure I understand you. Can you tell me what you mean? In the broken record technique, her request is repeated over and over and over again until the desired response is obtained or a workable compromise is reached. Attempts at distraction or changing subjects are resisted. The broken record technique is useful if you're dealing with someone in authority or you think you're not getting what you're entitled to. Use this technique with caution as it may come across as being aggressive. This is unacceptable. So how can I help you? It happens every time. So how can I help you if you want to say no, say so clearly without apology or without explanation. Also, consider the following If you mean it, stop smiling. Stop asking questions or stop responding to questions. Otherwise you risk appearing to be interested and not being taken seriously. Interruptive necessary. It breaks the flow of the other person's conversation, and it allows you to retain control. If you're seated at a desk and the Enquirer is standing in front of you, stand up and maybe move away from the desk. This place is you both the same eye level, and it gives you a psychological advantage. They won't stay long. When you start changing your behavior on being more assertive, People will react to you in a different way. And in order to avoid these difficulties, it's important for you to be aware of what it is, what you really want, what it is that you think, how much is that you feel? Be clear about each person's rights and responsibilities. Other people have the right to be assertive, too. Be aware of what will cause you to change your mind and learn, say no clearly and in a friendly manner without excessive explanation. Make it clear that it's the request, your refusing not the person, and check that they understand this as soon as possible. Focus on the positive aspects of a problem. If you find yourself getting angry, getting annoyed or getting anxious silently counts attend to help to remain calm, provided you're sure that you've acted assertively and it's the other person who reacts aggressively or passively. It's them who has the problem, not you. It's up to them to be open about it or to shut up and put up you self talk to boost your confidence every morning, say 10 positive things about yourself and repeat these during the day. If and when you're feeling unsure about yourself, eventually you'll start to believe in yourself a lot better on become more positive on become more assertive. 11. Barriers to Assertiveness: It's important to recognize that there are going to be a number of barriers to you being assertive and to you showing your assertiveness. At the macro level, the ESR, the larger universal forces that inhibits assertive behavior. For example, your gender conditioning. Little boys are encouraged to go for it, whilst little girls are encouraged to remain quiet, status and position. How dare you speak to your boss like that? Agent experience? I've had 25 years in this business. Are you trying to tell me what to do? And culture, certain cultures often condemn outspoken or confident behavior, and they appear to condone reserved, polite communication. At the social level, there are codes of cold into, to a specific peer group which you might find yourself belonging to. For example, indifference is often fashionable. Let it go. It'll all work out in the end. How many times have you felt embarrassed when a close friend or family member complaints about bad service? Often we prefer to stay silence and more dignified. Unpopularity and standing up for yourself could mean losing the support of others had the personal level. There are barriers that are often found in our own minds and they'll vary from one person to another depending upon their personality. Many of us fear coming across as being dictatorial, telling others what the important issues people worry about creating the wrong impression about being accepted and so on. Some people have come to believe that their opinions and their rights are less important than the rights and opinions of others. So it's important to bear these barriers have mind when we are looking at becoming more assertive. 12. Ways to Say No: a number of people have asked me whether I'm running a live workshop, poor and online course for some hints and tips and ways in which they can say no and use their assertiveness more positively without coming across aggressively. A lot of people find it very difficult to say no because they want to maintain the relationship, and they want to appear to be accommodating Andi, a nice person to work with. They value the relationship with the person who's asking them, and they want to be able to decline a request whilst keeping the relationship intact. To be able to assertively say no in an appropriate way and keep the relationship intact is actually quite easy. Once you know how. Here are some ways in which you could say no. You may look at combining two or three of these in terms of how you're delivering this message, and in order to help you, I've put the list together in a downloadable file that you can print off from refer to when you're not at your computer. The first way to say no is to say, Let me think about that. Here's what will work for me can I get back to you? That doesn't work for May. I appreciate being asked, but I can't. I know this is important, but I can't. Thanks, but this isn't going to work for May. I'm not able to do what you're asking right now. Oh, I wish I could. Can I help you to find a solution? As I say, some of these since and tips work together in combination. Use whatever you feel most comfortable with and practice these when you are being us to do something that you haven't got the time for or you really don't want to do. And as long as you are able to exercise the choice of being able to say no in an appropriate way, it should help you to maintain the relationship and enable used to decline the request without feeling guilty. 13. Rules of Assertiveness: Let's have a look at some rules of assertiveness, irrespective of how you're going about approaching the developments of your assertiveness. Thes rules are going to help you think about your behavior on the impact that he tests on other people. First and foremost and most fundamentally, respect yourself. Recognize your needs. It's a person as an individual, rather than recognizing the needs that you have in performing a role either a role inside of work, your job, your job function or your role outside of work within the family or the role that you take with friends, make clear ice statements about your thoughts and your feelings. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Unless you make mistakes, you won't learn. Ask for what you want. You've got the ability to change your mind. If you choose to ask for thinking time, ask for time away from the situation in order that you can go away and clarify your thinking and prepare the way which you're going to react to and work with that situation. Thinking time is good because it allows you the opportunity to gather your thoughts. When you do things well, enjoy your success. Recognize that you're not responsible for the behavior of other adults. If they react to you in a certain way, that's their choice. But respect other people, respect their thoughts, respect their views, respect their rights, respect their needs and respect their feelings. 14. Being Assertive in Appropriate Ways Review: Within this module, we've explored what's assertiveness is and the behaviors associated with different types of assertion. Assertive behavior, aggressive behavior, and passive behaviour. By now you'll be able to define everyone's rights and responsibilities around being assertive. You'll be able to differentiate between passive, aggressive and assertive behaviour and recognize the implications of passiveness, aggression, and assertion. You'll be able to identify methods and techniques to express assertive behavior effectively and explore how to be assertive inappropriate ways. Now say no is always going to be difficult. Parts of this difficulty is being able to say no without feeling guilty. You have some techniques and some ways to say no, which should help you to do this without feeling so guilty. The practical activity is looking at the rules of assertiveness and will help you to develop ways to improve your level of assertiveness by reviewing these rules. The practical activity gets you to focus on the rules of assertion, asking you to focus on how you can use these to develop your assertion. If you're going to learn about your assertiveness and the impact that this has on other people. It's important for you to complete this practical activity. I know it's very easy to ignore this, but you're not going to develop your assertiveness just by watching a few video lectures. I hope you enjoy working with practical activity. And of course, if you've got any questions, please feel free to get in touch. Be confidence in yourself, and recognize that you have every right to express your needs through assertiveness. They don't necessarily have to be accepted by other people. They just have to be understood.