Assertive Communication Skills | Jen Brown | Skillshare

Assertive Communication Skills

Jen Brown, Communications Adventurer

Assertive Communication Skills

Jen Brown, Communications Adventurer

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10 Lessons (51m)
    • 1. Introduction to Assertive Communication

      3:14
    • 2. What is Assertive Communication and Who Cares?

      3:03
    • 3. Communication Styles and You

      8:46
    • 4. Get Started With Phrases You Can Use

      12:53
    • 5. Assertive Body Language

      6:37
    • 6. People are Mad

      1:00
    • 7. Feedback

      3:48
    • 8. Saying No

      4:28
    • 9. Additional Techniques

      5:14
    • 10. Reflection

      1:43
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About This Class

Build your assertive communication skills in your personal and professional life!

Expressing yourself, your wants, and your emotions with regard to others. Saying no. Setting boundaries. Giving someone feedback. Checking in and regulating yourself and your emotions. 

Assertive communication is the most desired communication style: how do you build this when you find yourself playing small in relationships, career, and personal matters? Maybe you realize that you’ve been more passive than you like, and you’d like to make an intentional choice to be assertive. You try to say no and realize it’s way too much – EEK! Pull it back, hide in that comfort zone, and feel like you’re getting walked over.

No more.

From body language, eliminating “weak” language, saying no, and checking in – and expressing! – wants and feelings, we’ll start to build assertive communication skills and techniques that keep you learning and away from the panic zone of progress. There will be several activities, prompts, and ideas that you can work on immediately to sharpen your assertive communication skills, as well as longer-term ideas and concepts to continue practicing.

Meet Your Teacher

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Jen Brown

Communications Adventurer

Teacher

Jen Oleniczak Brown is the Founder of The Engaging Educator (EE), a women-owned and operated company dedicated to helping people find their unapologetic, authentic, and best voice, communication style and self through improv-based education. Since 2012, EE has served over 50,000 students, working with such companies as Viacom, Food Network, The New York Times, Saks Fifth Avenue, and CBS. EE is based out of NYC, LA, SF, and Winston Salem, NC. Jen’s work can be found in publications like Bustle, Fast Company, Forbes and Moneyish, as well as her first self-published book Improv(e): Using Improv to Find Your Voice, Style, and Self (Balboa Press, 2018) and the upcoming Think on Your Feet: Tips and Tricks to Improve Your Impromptu C... See full profile

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Transcripts

1. Introduction to Assertive Communication: Welcome to assertive communication. My name is Dan Brown. I am so excited that you have decided to work on your assertive communication skills. A little bit about me, a little bit about the class, and then we're going to dive, right? And so I live in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. I moved here from New York City not too long ago, and I run a company called the engaging educator. Now, what we do is take improv based strategies, ideas, and activities, and apply it to communications skills. My goal is to make everyone the best version of themselves. So with a sort of communication, there is a lot that goes into it. You may have noticed the outline at the beginning of this video and at the end, or maybe you downloaded the PDF that shows the entire outline of all of the lessons. Now, I recommend taking your time through this class, trying things out for size, testing things in the real world, and also really building your reflective practice. We've seen the best progress in our students when they dig in, reflect on what they've learned, as well as really apply it in their every day life. You're not going to watch this class and be fixed. You will watch this class and have a lot of really great strategies that you can immediately use in your everyday life. So diving in some of the things we're going to talk about today, we're going to think about what it means to be assertive and who cares? Why should you be assertive? Then we're going to tap into the for communication styles. And you're going to self-diagnose thinking about what style you are both in your personal and your professional life. Then we're going to have some phrases that you can start using immediately. Right now, right here. If you are talking with someone, if you walk out of your room and talk to your partner, your roommate, your friends, your family, your boss, anybody, things you can put into action immediately. Then we'll tap into the idea of assertive body language. Yes, there is a way to sit, stand, speak, gesture, even that really taps assertive communication. Next, we'll tap into what happens when people get mad. I'll say this in the lesson. When you change the dance, people are gonna step on each other's toes. Then we'll think about giving and getting feedback, which is a huge part of his ship assertive communication. Then we'll think about saying no and no is a complete sentence. Finally, we'll think about what happens and what to do when you're assertive communication just isn't working. And then we'll think about reflective practice. What should you do next? Again, through all of this pulley is give yourself Grace and space to really tap into these activities and dive into this lesson. I am excited to go on this journey with you and I'll see you on the other side. See you soon. 2. What is Assertive Communication and Who Cares?: Hi folks, welcome back, and we're diving right in on what does it mean to be assertive and who cares? So let's get started. Assertive. Simply put, is you're looking at things from your own importance as well as the importance of others. I like to describe it as a very equitable look on the world. You're getting what you want. You understand how you feel. You're thinking about what that other person, once you understand how they feel, or at least hear best stability. And you're considering both before making decisions, speaking, communication, the whole gamut. Now, it gets tricky sometimes because it's not actually as simple as that. I like to remember it though, as I win, you win. So when you're thinking about your communication, if it's in a place where you are considering not only your own wins, your own gains, your own benefits from a situation. You're also considering the other person's gains and benefits, then you are leaning more towards assertive. Now we'll get a little deeper into the communication styles next, because nuances do exist in communication, nothing is simply one or the other. It can't always be an eye when you win situation, right? Because of all things, you can control how you respond to another person. You can't control how they communicate. And I think that might be one of the most frustrating parts about communication is you can always control your own response, your own feelings, your own desires. It is impossible to control someone else's. Just how you respond to it is in your control. So who cares? Why be assertive? Wi-fi met middle ground? Well, assertive communication is not just for you. Remember, you're looking for I win, you win. You're thinking about that other person. You're talking to, your practicing some empathy and there you're learning how to read a room, which is really great for negotiation conversation, influence storytelling everything. Now, another really great side effect of assertive communication is you control your stress because you're not throwing your emotions onto someone else. It's not just stress though. You're controlling your anger, your building your coping skills. You're respecting rights, building your self esteem, expressing yourself, having boundaries. Like it sounds a little bit like this miracle. As we know though, because communication isn't black and white and you only have control over what comes out of your mouth. It takes a little bit more than just saying, I'm going to be assertive today. So let's do this and start to dive into the communication styles next. 3. Communication Styles and You: So now it's time to start thinking about yourself and the communication styles. For starters, just know that it can change depending on where you are, who you're talking to, the situation around you. And don't worry, we're definitely going to talk about that. So right now we're just going to start by going through before communication styles. And please remember this isn't an exhaustive list. These things can come out in very different ways. These are just some of the most common traits that you'll see in passive, aggressive, passive aggressive, and assertive communication. So first things first, let's talk about passive. We've got people that are apologetic. There's self-deprecating. They might be a little insecure. They might be shy. They're definitely not speaking up in conflict. They might psi or mumble. They might be apologetic, like I said, they're also constantly apologizing. I'm sorry. Don't worry. I apologize. Even when it's not their fault. There's a lot of permission asking that's coming through. They are along for the ride and they're pretty fine with it. There's not a lot of aggression coming up. They definitely don't voice their opinion. They aren't necessarily of set about it in an anger sort of way. They go with the flow. Now if we go back to that winning mentality, it's, I lose you when it's always on the other person's thoughts, wants, feelings, and emotions, I lose. You win. Now, if we go to the opposite end of the spectrum, we're looking at aggressive communication. Aggressive communication is exactly that opposite. They're domineering, they're condescending, they're sarcastic, they're opportunistic. They might assume things. I assumed my team knew what they wanted in this. It might be bossy or mean-spirited. They lack appreciation that had saying thank you a lot to their coworkers, their team, their partner. There's a lot of you must you need two versus I need you to I would like you to their loud. They stand close, they make a lot of uncomfortable eye contact. And the idea with winning, I win, you lose. It's all about me. What I mean, what I want out of this situation, and how I can benefit myself. Now, in-between the two, you've got passive aggressive communication. Listen, in my humble opinion, this is the worst communication style to be, and it's one that we fall into all too often. Now passive aggressive communicators are passive on the surface. They go with the flow, they roll with it, the cool. And then they're aggressive behind your back, behind closed doors. They're bitter and hostile. They might make intentional mistakes or cause intentional delays because they don't know how to say no to protect their own time-space and boundaries. They might be cynical, pessimistic, aggressive, dis meaner, gossipy complaint focus. In this one, no one wins. Passive aggressive communicator is you hear a lot of Oh, I'm fine with it, but I don't think so and so would be fine with it because they also are uncomfortable with sharing their feelings and their angry about it. I like to think of passive aggressive communication as a tea kettle. It's the person that builds and builds and builds and then screams because they can't handle that pressure anymore. And then you've got assertive communication. That's what we're all striving for right now. Assertive communication and few traits and tenants, you've got clear, confident, and controlled communication. You have an understanding of that mutual respect to remember I, when you, when you have the ability to relate to one another. So you understand empathy. You understand, you accept a new value yourself. You innovate, you have an opinion, and it is worth sharing. You're also is practicing self-control and emotional stability. You can communicate. Remember, highly knew when. Now you have to keep in mind though this is not you don't have a motions as an assertive communication. You can get in bills, you can dig right on in, you're aware of it, and you can regulate it and it's not coming out at times that's inappropriate. Screaming at your boss, exploding in a grocery store, things like that, that fall into other styles of communication. So your homework right now, let's do this. You can pause the video, you can do it after. I want you to figure out where you fall in your professional and in your personal life. Now, let's talk about what that means. You've got the Venn Diagram of EU rights. You got your professional side. That's career networking, interviewing for a job, colleagues, co-workers, people that work for you, people that work above you, all of those different places. I want you to think on how you behave with them. Now, just a quick story. I worked with a client right now, amazing client, been working with them for a really long time. We had a whole conversation about what's your communication style. And he's like, oh, I'm an assertive communicator and I'm like, Cool, let's talk about that. He realized that he's pessimistic. He looks for problems all the time. He's not looking to improve. He's looking for the issue and he issues expectations that he tells no one about. So he assumes his team to know. Sound like assertive does a definitely realized with tapping in that he was an passive aggressive communicator. So this might not be able to be done right here, right now sitting listening to this video, you might have to reflect after a few conversations and go, OK. Did I tap into my wants and feels during this conversation? Did I express them or did I hide them? Did I let someone know that I'm feeling overwhelmed, put up a boundary or did I just take it cause they don't know how to say no. So that's professional side right? Now. Think personal side, family, friends, partner, all of that stuff that doesn't fall into the work site of things. You might be two different types of humans. And that's why it's the Venn Diagram of u, right? Because you've got certain situations and certain things you uphold depending on who you're talking to. So really dive into how you communicate at work in your professional life and how you communicate in your personal life. This, again, can be so different, right down a few examples. I realize with my family, I am passive because I don't want to start a fight. Or I realize with my friends that I kind of think the backseat because I make so many decisions in my everyday work life. So I choose to be passive with my friends or I'm aggressive at work because I have to gen because that's the only way I'll be heard. This it will dive into that. Think about why you are the way you are and how do you have to be. Now, a lot comes up. I know you've got people being assertive. We're going to talk about what happens with that, because it changes depending on if you're a man being assertive, a woman being assertive, non-binary person being assertive. And then it gets even more complicated after that. So we'll talk about that. Don't worry, really fleshes out because you need to know exactly where you are here and now in order to start making progress into being more assertive in both areas of your life. See you soon, Good luck and talk to you later. 4. Get Started With Phrases You Can Use: So jumping right, and I am fully aware, it might seem kind of overwhelming to start being an assertive communicator. Don't worry, I have a few phrases for you as it start using immediately and some ways to tap into it. Now something to keep in mind before you think about using any phrases that we're going to discuss in this slightly longer lesson. You have three stages. You've got your comfort zone. Now your comfort zone is right here. This is where you sit. This is where you are all the time. This is how you communicate day in, day out. Right outside that comfort zone, you've got the Learning Zone. Here's where you can change behavior, you can alter, you can improve, you can do all that good stuff. And then if you go one step further, you've got the panic zone. The panic zone means you've gone too far, you've changed too much. Everything feels a little uneasy. There's too much alteration in the norm happening. So when you go too far outside of your comfort zone, into that panic zone, you shoot back into your comfort zone and you think, oh no, I can never be assertive. I have to say right here and behave this way because this is what I know. Don't do that changed a tiny bit. So you go into your learning zone and then it becomes part of your comfort zone and then you change a tiny bit. Learning Zone, comfort zone, Learning Zone Conference on Learning Zone Conference on back and forth. You feel too stressed. Don't go so far out. Take it a little setback. So let's get started in thinking about changing your language and using phrases that sound more assertive. First off, check-in, how do you feel and what do you want in this exact moment? May be your life. Feel happy. And I want a taco. Totally cool. Can be normal feeling, can be something super deep. Doesn't matter. Really, believe it though. No, it is. Don't just pick an emotion off the top of your head. Really have the emotion, have the ability to check in regarding the want. Now, this can be something tangible, something you can touch and feel, or it could be something larger than that. Don't get stuck being like Haumea and all I can think of our lake, a cookie or like a plant or cactus. It's totally fine. Cactuses are plants as well. Really take a moment to think about what you want in this moment and how you feel. Now, say it out loud. I feel emotion. I want what you want. Just like that with a period at the end, not I feel happy. Question that you're making a statement. Make it. I feel emotion. I want thing. Ok. That's first step, right? This can be super hard. So don't worry if you're like Jen, I don't know what I want. I have never pursued that. Or if it's too hard in this moment to think about what you want. Also totally fine. Really though, take a minute, dive in, think about what you want and say it out loud. So in conversations when you take this skill, so you've got like what you want in the here and now. When you move this skill into conversations, there are a few things that might clouded or confuse it. There are four main parts of every single conversation you've got who you are. That is not only who you are, but what your relationship is to the person you're talking to, what the status is, how you get along with them, how long you've known them. All of that, what you're perceived status like if they're like, Wow, you're so much higher up than me. Or were equals here. Or o kind of shell shock to be meeting you right now, really nervous around you. So that's the first You've got the hope. Then you've got where, where is not just where you are physically, it's where you are in history. So right now, speaking from August, we're in the middle of a global pandemic and a civil rights movement. So that way, or is pretty giant right now, right? Everyone is somewhat affected. Then you've got what you want and what they want that Tizen, because what you want out of a conversation might be different than what they want. And then you've got those feelings again, how you feel and how they feel. Now, those were things are important in every conversation. The first two, pretty simple, right? They're pretty non-negotiable. Maybe the status and your left and the other reasons like your normal anything like that's that that's off to the side. When you start tapping the wants and the fields. That's when you start tapping into that assertive communication. And that's when things can get a little tricky sometimes. So first off, I want you to take a step back and look at one of the documents that I uploaded called the Feeling. We'll now the feeling wheel. It's pretty magical. It's hard sometimes to differentiate how you feel. Maybe you're like, ooh, I don't feel good but I don't know how to describe it or I don't feel bad. But I don't know how to describe it. So really tap in to how you feel by looking at that feeling wheel and seeing how you can label your emotions as for what you want. We're going to have building a practice of this. So with the feeling, we'll first look at it, say it clearly and out loud again. I feel emotion. Now, make a habit of it through regular thing. Now tap into that want again, clearly an out loud and as a sentence, Try it again. I want thing or non-tangible thing. So a taco or a new career, whatever that looks like, say it out loud as a sentence. Now you have to build it as a habit, right? So this isn't just like in this moment in this class, being able to say these things out loud, being able to identify it. Thinking about it during conversations and interactions. So first things first, during conversations, check in. Are you aware of how you're feeling? Are you expressing it? A thinking about what you want after conversations, check in. Did you let how you felt get in the way of your communication? Did you think about how they felt, what they wanted and what you want it or did you ignore it just to pay attention to what they wanted or what you want it. Look at one of the handouts with these kind of questions and really tap in. Did you listen? Did you pay attention? Did you think about it? And then after awhile, before conversations even happen, check in. Think about what do I want from this conversation? What did they want? What could we get to? Where's the middle? How do they feel? How do I feel? And did I express that or did I let it get in the way of my communication? So you also have to make it sustainable, right? This can't be this long thing that you write out every single time you communicate. Write it in a notebook, recorded on a phone. Make a point to do a few times a week. And then you can start voicing it. When you realize that you're not being clear, you can start saying, hey, I feel X or hey, I want y. Now, take a breath. This can get Uber overwhelming super fast. So that seems like too much. Just start there, start with the identification, start writing it down, and then start thinking about voicing it. Now, before you start to voice it, make sure you are breathing. Presentation skills are huge for me. So before you start saying it out loud, take that deep breath, breathe in. Breathe out. Because what happens if you're carrying any sort of anxiety? You get the energy you put out. So even if you're saying and you look sunburned RS, That's what that person's gonna get back from meal. So when you're ready to start talking about it, talk about it. Talk to people, voice your wants and feels and start. Were successes built in? Talk to your family, talk to your friends, talk to your partner, talk to a best friend about it, and see if you can get those words out without panicking. Then start moving up the ladder to more difficult situations. You really want to choose your audience wisely because someone might not love CNU assertive. And again, we're going to talk about that in a minute. So remember a beat clear, be specific, and don't offer an excuse if you feel upset, I feel upset. That's it. Now you can level it up once you start voicing it. You can tie your emotion with an action. For example, if you're talking to a friend who was always late and you're really irritated about it. You can say, I feel irritated when you're late and scary to some of you, I bet. But you see what you're doing. You're tying and emotion to an action, not an emotion to the person. It's not, you make me irritated. It's I feel irritated when you're late. Emotion to action. Not you make me irritated. Nut, you're always late. Not, You're so tardy. I kinda wanna say that to somebody at some point. You're very tardy all the time. So again, you're tying a motion to action. So now some homework. Think of a situation where you weren't assertive in and try either of these next statements. So again, you're thinking of a situation where you wish you could have been assertive and you're trying this, you make me emotion when you action or when you action, I have two, reaction and I feel emotion. So you're linking a behavior to a feeling and adding a potential consequences to you. So if we're thinking about that late friend again, it's you make me frustrated when you're late or when you're late? I have to wait and I feel frustrated. Now, the conversation there, right, you're going to introduce more conversation. So at the end of that, you make me frustrated when you're late. Can you check in when you're late? When you're late, I have to wait and I feel frustrated. Can you give me a heads up? Can we talk about it? Is there anything we can do to fix this? So you're inviting more conversation. You're introducing your emotion, you're feeling to a behavior, not to a person. So what this is, is it's behavior rehearsal. You're practicing these techniques in real life and to yourself. So before you progress on, I highly recommend you give this a little bit more practice. Start first. Again, remember saying those statements. I feel emotion, I want thing. Then start checking in before and after conversations, even during. Then, start voicing it to people in your life. And then finally, start using those larger statements that invite more conversation. You are practicing this in a safe space first. So right here, right now. And then you're using it in your every day will be back soon. Give yourself time with this one. It takes time. Good luck. 5. Assertive Body Language: Hello and welcome back. We are talking about assertive body language. Now, if you've taken another class with me, you know, I am very concerned with body language. We get the energy we put out. So if you're sitting or standing all curled up and tiny and wrapped up in yourself, you're not gonna be able to properly project. You're going to go into your head voice. It's gonna get really shrill. You're going to hurt your throat. All of these things are gonna happen. So assertive body language is good presentation skills. So if it's something you're working on already, this is a great time to work even harder on it. First off, you're making eye contact. Now, I know a lot of people are using video communication right now. So what I really like to teach people, find your camera, locate it when you're talking to someone, you look at your camera. When you're listening to someone, you look at your screen and listen to them. It's a really good shift in real life. Make eye contact, it establishes trust. Now, when we think about meaning, there's a statistic that I like and love that we get 55% of our meaning from body language, 38% from cadence and tone. So how we say what we say and only 7% from those words. So how you sit, how you stand, how you present yourself, how you make gestures. That's gigantic. And then that tonality is almost as gigantic. Now I say like not love because I find it hard to pinpoint the exact amount of information we get from words, depending on how we get from body language, depending on how we get from cadence, I can safely say that our body language tells us a lot. And are cadence tells us just as much. So those two high-end words, not as much, still important. So you want some kind of ease in movement. You don't want to be all herky-jerky robotic when you're making gestures. And now I say this, and I've seen people that are over coached. If you are overcoat with your gestures, it's not going to be fluid, it's not gonna be comfortable. Your voice also has to come from an authentic point. So I want you to think about breathing, but one hand on your stomach and another hand on your and take a few deep breaths in and out. Focus on filling up your hands with air unclean. Sure, but this is serious stuff here. If you want to hear the difference, clench your butt and say hello. And then on clench your butt and say hello. There's a difference in tonality there. If you're all clenched, if you're all tight, you're going to sound tense and tight. You don't want that, that's not assertive, that's nervous. You're thinking about the audience with your body language, which means you're giving proper distance. I teach a lot. Video presentation skills. So thinking about being on video, you want to simulate being in person as much as possible. Which means you don't want to look down on someone knowns attractive at this distance. And you don't want to be looking up on someone. So having eye contact and making your computer as aligned with your line of vision as possible is really going to simulate that. Now, really thinking about stretching out before you talk. So you have that ease of movement and keeping a distance from the person that you're talking to is part of being assertive as well. Remember, aggressive is really close. Passive might be farther away. So check in some of the things that you can do to effectively change how you stand, how you sit there first is Alexander Technique. Now, Alexander Technique is awesome. The biggest thing I'm going to teach you is a roll down, roll up. So I will talk you through this if you want to stand up right now. So you're standing up, you're imagining that your chin is elevated because there is a balloon holding you up. And I'm going to walk you through this even though I'm sitting. So I want you to imagine that I'm standing and someone clicks the string and your chin false to your chest. Then you're going to start rolling down vertebra by vertebra. So I'm going to pop back up and tell you you want to go all the way down. So here's your body. You're rolling down, you're rolling down. You are not stretching down. You're not trying to touch your toes. You're just rolling down imagining your spine though buh buh, buh buh. And then when you get as far down as you can, make sure your knees are bent, make sure your feet are flat on the floor and hang there for a moment. Really focusing on breathing into your back in and out. In and out. After awhile, I want you to start rolling back up from the base of your spine to the top of your neck, letting your head be the last thing that comes back up. Now, Alexander Technique is all about spine posture. If you're still rolling up by all means, keep rolling up. Do this once in a while because it helps with your alignments. Another thing about setting, you wanna make sure that you're not perched on a chair, you're not sitting on the edge of the chair. You're sitting on the chair, your feet are flat on the floor. You're not all curled up in a straddling the chair. You're not like wide spreading in the chair. You're just sitting there taking up space and then gesture like you mean it or don't do it. Little gestures that kinda don't have an end are constantly floating around. Those don't help anyone. If you're making a gesture, it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. It is the stopping point because you mean it, it's helping you say what do you say? It's not holding you back from it. So that's all I have about assertive body language. This is harder than it seems. So change, remember one little thing at a time. Don't try to change everything at once and really practice that Alexander role promise. It helps talk to you soon. 6. People are Mad: But wait, people are mad at you being assertive. Silly me. I thought we could change the way people think. Now, real talk, I'll giving us aside. Now, people are going to get upset when you suddenly change the way you communicate to things behind this. This is why you want little changes to start. Because if you suddenly change everything about how you communicate, people are going to be worried about you. They're gonna think, Oh, what happened to this person? What's going on here? Something seems off for weird. And you don't necessarily want to go down that rabbit hole. The other side of it is some people are just not going to be okay with you being an assertive communication. Thinking about who you're talking to and adjusting to the want will probably help you quite a bit. Now. 7. Feedback: All right. We are in the home stretch and I'm sure you're thinking, whoa, this is so much information and so much to practice. Again, take it slow Grayson space because we're diving into feedback. So first off, feedback. Now when you're giving it and getting it, this can both be an assertive act. So when you're giving it, you want to be clear and specific, straight and to the point, feedback should be tied to an action. Now you don't want to give it far after that action happened or down the road because that's not tied directly to that action. You want to consider the moment and the audience. So again, you're thinking about those four things in conversation. You're thinking about who you're talking to, where you are, what you want, how they feel. Really, really critical when you're giving feedback, you're considering the timing. Maybe it's not the best time to give feedback in front of a large group of people. So you call them over to the side. And in that same way, you're saying It was great when you did this thing. I would like you to work on this other thing ring very specific. You're tying that sort of constructive feedback now that's something they need to grow with and not a permanent feedback something may blow with, they do well. Now, when you're getting feedback, that's where a lot of the assertiveness comes in. If someone is giving you a compliments, you don't need to make an excuse for it. Hey, really good job doing that thing. That faith as nothing does the thing I do. Sound like you. Or maybe when you get some feedback, will I would've done that if I had more time. You see, i was really rushed and I didn't know excuse, excuse, excuse. So when you're getting feedback, say thank you for accomplishments. Don't brush it off is just this thing you deal, it's no big deal. And when you're getting feedback, that is improvement, take it, store it, and ask for more information. If you have a question, you could use a phrase like, tell me more about that. Or what do you mean? Or can you explain that more? Instead of making an excuse? That's the assertive way to take feedback. So really great practice. Teach someone to, teach something to someone, I should say. You wanna do it quick, something easy like scrambling an egg, watering a cactus. You're asking for one glow, something you did well. And one, grow something you could do better. Take both, then switch, have them, teach something and you give a feedback. Now, what that's gonna do is get you used to giving and getting feedback. Do it in a silly way. Look me up and say, hey Jen, let's do this. And I will totally be game on. I'm super accessible through the Internet. And we can work on giving that piece of feedback and getting that piece of feedback. Because the only way you're going to get better at it is trying it and practicing it in a safe space versus in the actual moment when it's hardcore feedback will be back soon, a little bit more to discuss, but you are almost through this class. 8. Saying No: Welcome back. Now, I might be dating myself with this, but do you all remember dare the Just Say No campaign? Well, know is a huge part of assertive communication. And it's important to note that no is a complete sentence. Knows where setting boundaries come in two, we're going to talk about no burst. We're gonna talk about asking someone versus ordering someone, and then we'll start to dig into boundaries. So again, no is a complete sentence. So when someone asks you to do something, you can just say, No. Found scary. I bet for a lot of folks. Now, if you can't just say no, if you feel like you can't, first off, think about why you can't, can you not because it's work, can you not because it's would upset someone. Why would upset someone? So dig into that y? And then I want you to start brainstorming ways to say no, if this is too hard, have them in your back pocket. So maybe it's, I really need to think about that. Can I get back to you and then you get back to them with a no. Maybe it's not right now. Can we revisit this in a week? And then they revisit in a week. Maybe with your boss, you could say something like, I've got a lot on my plate right now, what would you like me to prioritize then it's not a known right. You've just offered Hey, I need you to tell me what else I can do because I don't know what's most importance. So you've understood, you've checked in, you found out what you want, how you feel, thought about what they want, fought about how they feel. See how this all builds on itself. And then you're responding with something that keeps you safe and a No. Now, one reason why you can't do something is fine. Many reasons, too much. That's when you get into excuse land. So I want you to think when you are thinking of those reasons why you're saying no. Make sure it's a reason. One. Now, tiny bit about boundaries because I really think that's a higher level of assertive communication than what we're really diving into here. Boundaries are not meant to feel good. They're meant to keep you safe. So they may involve a No. They may involve thinking about a relationship and what's comfortable for yourself in that relationship, whether it be professional or personal. Boundaries, start with knowing what you want and knowing how you feel. I know that setting boundaries is really difficult, so I know that's something I'm going to be thinking about for other lessons down the line. Makes sure you understand though, what you want and how you feel, what they want and how they feel. And if you need to put a boundary to make sure you're not spiraling into doormat, spiraling into passive aggressive, spiraling into not being heard. Then you need to put a boundary there. It's there so you can continue the relationship with another person. Again, it's not there to make you feel good. It's there to keep you safe. Take care of yourself with this one because this one can be hard. If you start saying no, if you start saying, you know what, I've had a lot going on right now, can you tell me what's most important? People might start getting upset. Now, we talked a little bit about that. Or in the sense of some people are just terrible people. Some people are not used to seeing you like this. Some people will think you're being really aggressive when you're looking out for yourself. In the next lesson, we're going to think about some other strategies. If things do come up and this isn't a terrible person, maybe there's something that you can try within assertive communication to still establish what you want. Give yourself space and time with this LAN. And remember, one reason is fine when you say no, many more bats, an excuse to say no. 9. Additional Techniques: Welcome back. So what happens when you do everything right? You are assertive. You've decided this person isn't terrible and you want to try and you don't know what to do. Now, there's a couple of different techniques that you can use to get past this moment that feels like an impacts. First off, don't panic. Take a really deep breath and think about what you could do to get past a moment that you're like. I don't know if I can be assertive in this moment. Bow Jan. You can first broken record technique. Say you're asking for something, something, and someone's getting angry. Your job is to continue asking, continues stating the information without adding any emotion, any anger, any frustration. So maybe someone has like, I just don't understand why all of this can't be this way. And you're like, I would like to know how I can help. All of these things are going on and it's just terrible and I don't understand why things can't be good this way. I would like to know how to help. You see it. You're saying it again. You're not saying power of Eilat email with that attitude or per my last statement, you are just repeating it like a broken record. That's Technique. One technique to is fogging. Fogging is pulling out statements of truth and putting it back to the person. I don't I can't just have things in this certain way. Will they be this way? What way are you looking for? Well, the way that I'm looking for, I'm looking for this certain way. It has to be this certain way. So tell me more about this way that it has to be. So you're pulling out statements that they just said you're affirming that you're listening, active listening, super powerful and fogging. You're pulling out statements. You're putting it back at them, pulling out a statement, putting it back, pulling out backs. So you're removing some of that emotion of I understand you're upset. I understand what's going on. You're just restating it. That tapping into emotion comes into looking for more information. You can ask some questions. That's another technique. What's going on? How can I help you? Can you tell me more? Asking these open-ended questions that gets the other person talking allows for you to practice active listening techniques. Now when you're listening to a person, dopamine starts firing in their brain. And what's gonna end up happening is they're going to start feeling better about the situation because you're listening to them. So asking questions, great assertive technique. Another one comes from improv. It's the yes, and you're affirming the reality and then you're asking for more information or stating something. So if someone is very upset, you might say, I see that you're upset. Yes, I see that you're upset. And I want to help. Can you tell me how I see you are annoyed and tell me what to do. I hear that you just want things to happen in this way. And I want to help tell me how. So again, you're kinda combining Right? You're affirming the reality that's the Yes. Yes. You feel this way. Yes. You're saying Ms. yes, you're thinking this ands, then you're adding what you think, what you need, what you feel. The hand is so important the moment you put, but in place of the, and what ends up happening is you're elevating your statement above the other person's feelings, emotions, thoughts, all of that. Yes, you're upset, but I'm trying to help you. You've made that but more important, you've triggered argument in that person's brain, not assertive, that's aggressive, you're coming at that person. You don't want that. And then finally, truly meet in the middle. And you can ask, what is the middle? Hey, I want this and you want this. How can we find the middle together? That passive control really affects a person because you handed it to the other person, you've allowed them to start thinking about it. So what you're doing men by saying, and I want to help, Let's meet in the middle URL allowing them to hear that you hear them, you're affirming them, and then you're giving them the option of choice. So they can choose what to do, what to say, how to react in order to have this conversation. Those are a few ways now still remember some people are just not good people and you can't get through to them because you can't change how they communicate. You can only change how you respond. 10. Reflection: Q, The confetti geodetic, we may add to the end of assertive communication. Now, please remember a few things before you go out into the world and assertively communicate. First things first, you need to reflect, build this practice though it's sustainable, not so goes the way the second you get nervous, caught in a fight or flight moment frees up, start going into appeasement, things like that aren't going to help you. So really take the time to dive in and think about your progress. What do you want to accomplish and how do you want to get their baby steps to remember comfort zone, Learning Zone, panic zone. Don't fly out into that panic zone. You want to stay in the comfort and Learning Zone. I may not stay in the comfort zone so much pop out Ann's about learning zone, so you pull in some new tricks. And then finally, really assess your progress with what we did on giving feedback. Practice those glows and grows. Remember, a glow is something that you do well, that you're happy with. A grow is somewhere where you can improve. So tap into those glows and grows as you move through the Learning Zone. And remember to do all of those little prompts and projects that are coming up. What that's gonna do is really help you progress, measure your progress, and move through becoming a more assertive communicator. Once again, I'm Dan Brown and thank you so much. Good luck.