ADHD: 30 Days To The Life You Deserve! | Alina Kislenko MA RP | Skillshare

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Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Lessons in This Class

11 Lessons (1h 45m)
    • 1. Unit 1 Intro to This Course

    • 2. Unit 2 ADHD brain 30 day video course with all cartoons1

    • 3. Unit 3 Goal Setting, Visualization, and Vision Boards

    • 4. Unit 4 STRESS Analysis for Procrastination

    • 5. Unit 4 2 Part Break for Getting Boring Things Started

    • 6. Unit 5 Self Sabotage

    • 7. Unit 6 friendship and self esteem

    • 8. Unit 7 Boundaries

    • 9. Unit 8 Creating the Perfect Career

    • 10. Unit 9 ADHD & Romantic Relationships

    • 11. Unit 10 Accountability & Next Steps

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About This Class

An ADHDer Psychotherapist takes you on an ADHD Makeover Journey to build your perfect career, relationships, & life

This is a 30 day Makeover course not for how you look, but for your ADHD. This exciting course is led by award-winning psychotherapist, international speaker, and human guinea pig Alina Kislenko MA RP, who has ADHD & ASD herself and who specializes in it at her counselling centre. Though often seen as a curse, ADHD can be a HUGE gift that comes with, wait for it, SUPERPOWERS. And not dinky ones that aren't real, but serious powers of hyperfocus and specialization that explains why ADHDers are the industry leaders in SO MANY fields, from the Olympics (Michael Phelps & Simone Biles) to hollywood (Will Smith & Mary-Kate Olsen) to entrepreneurialism (Sir Richard Branson & Charles Schwab). In this course, you'll unleash those powers and entirely change your relationship with your ADHD, your brain, and, not exaggerating, your life in general!

This is not your usual ADHD class. Sure, you'll learn cool bits about your brain and some tips and tricks on how to work with your learning needs, but, above all else, this is a lifestyle design course with ADHD always front of mind. Because one of the biggest elements that research shows makes or breaks an ADHDer is their environment, from their love life, to their friends, to their work, to their home. EVERYTHING needs to be on purpose, with everything from how you process info, to how often you hang out with people, to the colours you paint your walls - you need to find your own unique way of doing everything so that your ADHD superpowers can break through all the monotony that keeps your abilities typing you in knots. 

People with ADHD were born to be great! This course helps you build yourself, your self-esteem, and your world to be so ADHD friendly that your life will FINALLY be filled with ease, success, meeting your potential, self-pride, and fulfilment (yeah, that stuff isn't just for other people anymore). No more living like a chicken with your head cut off for you, running from emergency to emergency, this course opens a portal to a completely unique way of life that is completely compatible with your unique brain wiring.

This course is the product of Alina's decade of obsessive research on understanding her own (and her clients') ADHD. So instead of having to lose a decade of your life stuck in the deepest, weirdest parts of the internet and being a human guinea pig to get all this knowledge (like Alina did), you get it all in this course, and only in 30 days!

Also, meds are great for ADHD, and you should talk to your doctor about them if they're right for you, but this course specifically focuses on research-backed, non-medicinal methods of managing your neurochemistry, behaviours, emotions, and energy. 

And don't forget to check out my other udemy ADHD course sharing strategies for focus and motivation, called "Focus & Motivation Strategies...That ACTUALLY Work!". This course focuses more on lifestyle design while that one is great for people seeking to focus better (such as students) and cue their motivation at will.

Woo! Let's get started!

P.S. Here's a guy who's figured things out:

“If someone told me you could be normal or you could continue to have your ADHD, I would take ADHD,” 

- JetBlue Airways founder David Neeleman 

With this course, you'll figure your ADHD out too!

Meet Your Teacher

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Alina Kislenko MA RP

Reg Psychotherapist with ADD spec in ADD


Hi! I'm a registered psychotherapist who has ADHD/is Autistic and specializes in them (so it's basically my whole life)! I'm also an Assistant Clinical Professor (Adj.) at a Medical School. I've been running The ADHD & Spectrum Centre in Guelph & Ottawa (Ontario) for almost a decade and, since my own late diagnosis, I have been a vocal advocate, author, and speaker for ADHD and neurodiversity rights. During all this time, I've also been a guinea pig for all sorts of Neurodivergent strategies and, in my courses, I seek to share the best of the best that has helped me and the thousands of patients that I've worked with. I'm also married to another therapist who ALSO has ADHD/is Autistic, Matt, so together we've been making courses, training, and supervising ADHD/Autism practitioners for y... See full profile

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1. Unit 1 Intro to This Course: Hi, My name's Alina and I am a registered psychotherapist who owns the HD and Asperger Center. Up in Wealth, Ontario in Canada. Diagnosed in my early twenties, I could really relate to the 80 HD journey because I haven't myself as well as us is inspector disorder and sensory integration dysfunction. These are two pretty common issues that often come with a d. D. So where you're not alone, if you have that to this course is for everybody and specifically focusing on HD and dealing with that, cooking it into your life in a really great, sustainable way. So why am I teaching, though creating with filling life you deserve reason for that is because I've been obsessed with designing my life and teaching other clients other people to design their perfect life . You know, when they have a PhD. Since my teens is especially, this book I read called The Four Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss. I read it when I was like in the early twenties, and just it blew my mind that one could actually design one's life and not just go with the flow, which, by the way, I think that go with the flow stuff is total B s for a lot of people, Lady Di, because it ends up making us a statistic specifically a statistic round being underemployed or unemployed, a single parents, likely some failed pursuits along the way, in a lot of regrets and possibly even in jail. I mean, these air, the stats that we're working with, it's awful. You know, you don't want just go with the flow and just float right into that, right? You want to run your own life and I mean, don't worry if you're already in a lot of elements of that, like, I was two and one could still even be happy with a lot of those variables. I mean, being a single parent could be incredibly rewarding, so don't get me wrong. My life was headed in all sorts of awful directions. Not very long ago, I was failing at a university. Due to my undiagnosed learning disabilities and a super intense TV addiction. I had no meaningful friendships, was just totally unreliable, constant, disappointing, my family having all sorts of issues. I also was in school way longer than most. My peers were just zooming by any left and right with all their accomplishments and because it was really hard to manage my money at the time as well as really stay properly employed while I was in school for so darn long. I also made use of a lot of food banks. Essentially, I was over promising, under delivering and totally short changing myself. And to make matters worse, I was just in and out of abusive relationships because I didn't really think very much of myself. So why would I expect anybody else to? Then one day I read this book, as I mentioned before the four hour workweek, and I realized, Wait like, I don't have to live like this, right? I can live more on purpose, not just do whatever everybody else is doing, which obviously was not working for me After that, I got really into learning self help books, just reading all the ones I could get my hands on psychology books going to therapy myself , which just literally changed my life, and there were just huge differences. Now I'm going to brag, and I want you to get ready for that because it's not often as fun listening to bragging as it is bragging, but I think it's important. So when making this video, I was thinking like, What is my life now? And you know, it's not perfect in every way, but it's really just about perfect for me now. My life looks like graduating my master's program top of my class. It looks like waking up at noon to my amazing husband, cooking me a delicious breakfast and being surrounded by community of just purposeful, amazing, positive people that just give me so much energy every day. It looks like reading and kayaking all day in my pajamas, often because at 30 I've predominately retired from running the counseling center in an active way and mostly just do passion projects. Now it looks like winning the Women of Distinction Award from the Y. M. C. A. And the Mayor's Award from the mayor in my town. For all the work that I've done helping with people, no diversity and females around entrepreneurship, essentially, it looks like not having to deal with controlling people running my life and letting beautiful days pass by without being able to appreciate. Okay, end of bragging. And so I say all these things not to brag, but because honestly, when I was growing up, I saw no genuine examples of people with 80 HD really living a filled life. I saw them predominately struggling and feeling unconnected unheard, you know, having all these issues. And now, as I have eight HD and all these amazing people around, me and my community have 82 we're just, like, encouraging each other and helping each other grow. And now, like, I just really want to bring that to the world. That's so possible and that if you fully embrace yourself real sobering, terrifying, look into who you actually are. What, your strengths, what your weaknesses are, how to use them best and fully optimize on your life and and doing it by design. So I really love the expression of If you don't plan, you're planning to fail. So this course is all about learning to plan, so you don't have to rely on luck for a lot of stuff. I mean, some of you you're just gonna be super lucky, like you don't even have to plan anything. Your life is gonna go great. But I'm not one of those people. And so this force is gonna be all about planning your work life, your romantic life, your leisure activities, you know, boosting your self esteem, your routines, Like all of it, you can plan to really make your life go in the direction you want as quickly as possible. It's gonna just save years off your life. I think, really, This courses meant Teoh give you, like, the wisdom that I've gained in 10 years of really designing my life to some pretty amazing accomplishments, Um, and save you all that time from having to do it yourself. It took ages, a lot of work. And if I could just give you like a course that just goes here, do these things and you'll get the same thing. I mean, I'd much rather that because nobody has to do these blood, sweat and tears. You know, if if the answers are out there also, Honestly, it's really fun to talk about my accomplishments, because when I was younger, you know, the way that my family and my world in my school talked about me. I mean, I really thought I was gonna die penniless and alone and never really accomplishing anything because those were the messages I got as a kid, and I imagine for a lot of you got those similar messages. So let's correct those. Let's really look at the amazing parts of us, and the amazing parts of 80 D will go into that soon as well. There's so many good parts of us, and that's a big reason why a lot of writers and producers and actors and everything in Hollywood are really phenomenally people with eight HD. So grab your bonnets. In this course, we will be talking about observing and learning about your 80 HD trading, the dream of your ideal life, understanding, self sabotage and learning to work around it. And with it upgrading your self esteem and social life building boundaries, finding the ideal career, finding and maintaining the right romantic relationship so important, managing your dopamine for optimal productivity and lastly, learning how to create proper accountability so that all your progress doesn't go swept away in the wind. Feel free to make this course a top priority in life. Just get through it in 30 days. You'll see huge changes, or just do it whenever you feel like you have time. That's cool, too. No matter what, you won't be disappointed. Good luck on your journey. I am so excited for you 2. Unit 2 ADHD brain 30 day video course with all cartoons1: so something incredibly important when you have a DHD is completely understanding not only eight HD, but your 80 HD. Your unique type everyone's I D d is so different to the point where it doesn't even seem like the same animal. Actually, a lot of people with a d d don't understand other people with a d d because they figure, well, they got over something. Shouldn't the other person be able to? But we all have different skills and different weaknesses, so that doesn't really apply even amongst ourselves. So Step one is get to know your and it's really hard to detach yourself from your HD cause they just feel so connected and related to your core being. But there are certain things to look out for. Common parts of us that are 80 HD specific or related include being laid a lot, having trouble finishing tasks, having trouble starting tasks, feeling really lonely when you're alone, or just really, really bored and fighting that you're bored quite often and really trying to get away from it. Also having a lot of trouble organizing tasks in your work, as well as trouble with daily chores like cooking or laundry or other stuff you do on a regular basis, really having trouble with anything you do regularly and goals all those kind of things. Those are all quite a d D. There's also a lot of learning differences, such as having a lot of trouble in school reading, writing that kind of thing. We also have a lot of issues handing in assignments and remembering the dates of things as well as getting along with piers. And you don't need to know exactly where you end and 80 d begins, because that's a really fuzzy line. But it's just really good to know what a TV is. Which one of your trades are you related? And when really understanding your own unique A. D. I really recommend. Try not lying to yourself about it. It's okay to embrace these weaknesses, and there's really great things afterwards, you know, at the end of that tunnel, once you figure that stuff out, and when you lie to yourself, you're really just getting in the way of creating efficient systems that perfectly work for you. You're essentially at that point, just creating systems for a person you aren't, which is not the ideal situation, which I've seen clients do quite often so connected to learning about your eight HD. Let me teach you something important in terms of the biology of 80 HD. So the right prefrontal cortex. That's where you hold a lot of executive functions, which are things like time management, scheduling, emotional regulation, impulse control. We hold a lot of really important things are right prefrontal cortex. So the brain has to outsource to other parts of the brain to get things done, which can lead to some of the very unusual and fascinating ways that people with a D. D. You think a second big difference is our Magdala and emotion centers. So the middle is really important because it's connected to our emotions in 80 our emotions are kind of huge and loud. There are a lot bigger than most people's. Emotions are either were really happy or really sad, but the polarities air just much more extreme. So when we're sad, we might feel suicidal or like nothing has a reason. Everything just feel stupid. We're happy. We might be like, Oh my God, we want to be addicted to this thing. We want to do it forever all day long, right In the beginning of relationships were, like so in love. And then we have using the relationships and all we think about so emotions and 80 are super super super duper star. One of the reasons for that is an overactive amygdala. So you're a Michaela decides how quick you send cortisol, which is your stress hormones. So if something weird happens, do you send a bunch of, you know your centuries almost your brain to go look out for problems, or do you only send a couple? So with a D. D? We sent a bunch to go like the whole village runs out to see the threat, you know, and it stops us from being able to focus very much so when we're feeling emotional, our emotions are just a lot bigger, and and so we have to really learn to manage them, or than the average person to become a more predictable person that we can plan around. So the next thing that's different is are focusing and motivation, so that is really connected to a chemical called dopamine and cortisol. So first dopamine, it is what you need in your brain to be focused, motivated to get that sense of satisfaction, even to access your memory to really remember things and encode things in your memory. Dopamine is a really important part, but in a TV we don't always have enough. We have too much. We have too little. It's not that regulated, so that causes us a lot of problems. So there are about two million levels where dopamine bounces between, so we either have way too much. And that's what we're just hyper focused. We're just, like, obsessed with what we're doing. We don't want to do anything else. We don't wanna be interrupted. Um, and too little is often where we just feel really dopey, stupid, almost for the same feeling. When you're kind of drunk, you just a little disoriented little dis regulated. And that's not a great feeling, because it's really hard to kind of get focused on something. When you're at a dopamine, meaning like you can't even focus you, you learn things that go in one ear and out the other, and that's not really that helpful. And then there's something else that controls those levels of dopamine. You're focusing hormone essentially right. So if you're don't means really high and you're feeling great. But then all of a sudden, stress comes along to some sort of negative emotion like we talked about. Our negative emotions are a little stronger than other people's. So comes along And that pumps something called cortisol. That's your stress hormones. Cortisol goes way up your dopamine. No matter. Even if you had a lot of it just crashes down to the ground. So no more dopamine. I think of court is all like Mr Pac man, you know, and then dopamine zehr like the little things that eats to get points. So you're Mr Packaging comes along and eats all your dopamine. So when your cortisol, Mr Pechman, has eaten up a lot of your dopamine, typically what happens is we go into low dopamine state where we typically lose about 15 I Q points from our high dopamine states, like really stupider, as I mentioned. And you lose track of your long term memories. So everything you know and Alec put put their like for to be tested or whatever, like you just can't access that stuff, right? So you couldn't get cut off from your long term memories and your i Q is going down, right? So, um, and then we crash. So that is how corazon dopamine come together to really manage throughout your day, Like how alert and motivated you feel. It's really important to understand your own patterns of that. Um, I like to ask a lot of clients kind constant when they come into my office. What dopamine state are you? And you know, if they have a TV before we even start the session. So I know, like how quickly they're gonna be remembering what's gonna be going on, how we need to teach them in a unique way because you're gonna be teaching somebody, um, with a d d. Who has high dopamine, um, a lot faster than you'll teach someone with AWS low double green. And lastly, a big difference with 80 d brain is our working memory. So you can think of that as, like your desktop. Okay, so it's like how many things you can fit on your desk and then fiddle with. So it's stuff that your kind of thinking about and comparing contrasting Teoh other things you're thinking about. So the average person's working memory is about five or so things that can keep in it. The average person with a d. D are working memory can hold about two on average. So you might notice that, um, if you walk into a room, you might forget fully what's happening if someone start to talk to you, might forget what you were doing. So big difference with eight ideas are working memory. The average person can hold about five things, plus or minus, and they're working memory that they can kind of compare and contrast. Ah, they can think of like I need to go get the dog and I need to call this person a couple minutes and I'm waiting for a casserole to finish and my socks or itchy and it's a beautiful day, like they can kind of hold all those things in their head personally, 80 D typically can only hold about two before we've kind of lost one. So we could be thinking, you know, my socks or itchy and I need to focus on this test. Then all of a sudden somebody comes in and they talk to you about something, and you just lost your two things because now it's replaced with someone's talking to me and maybe my socks or itchy. But you really can't hold that much in there, right? So it's really important to know that we have a smaller working memory. After that, we can kind of use a lot of list. So list are really, really helpful writing things down. You didn't out like schedulers like calendars or daily to do list. Those are really important just to get things out of your working memory and onto a piece of paper. We can work without a lot better, Uh, and we do better with, like, more written or recorded instructions rather than someone just telling us, Hey, turn left at that turn and then go right on past the cow, go straight. And then we were like, Oh, my gosh. After the 1st 1 or two things, our brains floated away. So that's a good thing to know about yourself and to prepare for yourself when when you have a t d so that your understanding that you're a little bit different than other people . But you can totally work around that and work with it cause it actually has amazing strengths and just to go into some of the strengths that you have with a d d. Just some people. They're not as clear on that. You know, there's a d d gets so much bad PR We're often so much more creative. Were amazing problem solvers. We're incredibly empathetic and make fantastic teachers and parents. We are fantastic entrepreneurs, especially when paired with someone really reliable. Because we have the best ideas and just are so good at thinking outside the box or realizing where something's kind of broken and can be optimized. Were also most of the writers and the comedians and the actors in Hollywood, you know, because we're so get it, representing reality and all sorts of these different ways and like connecting to a really strong emotions based and project projecting them, you know, on situations through like acting or stories or poetry, those air predominately people with a D. D. So we have some pretty cool fears. Also, with eight HD, it's really good to learn about Comber abilities, which are other conditions that really, really, really commonly come with 80 like it's quite rare for someone with a D D not to have one of these other things, and some of those common ones are depression, anxiety, addictions and those behavioral and substance of some behavioral addictions. Could be sex addiction, food addiction, TV addiction. Then there's substance based addictions for more like coffee or drugs or cigarettes, that kind of thing. Also, we typically have learning disorders and autism spectrum disorder. That is pretty common. I mean, I have a D, d and Asperger's and sensory integration dysfunction. So sensory integration dysfunction is kind of my sensory. My senses air just so strong on overdeveloped, especially in my sense of smell and my sense of touch. So that has also sort of sorts of interesting impact on my life, too. So, very rarely to someone with a PhD only have one thing. So don't feel bad if you have a bunch of things just like me. So your experiment for this week is to really watch your own type of eight HD. Look at how it strengthens your life, how weakens elements of your life really take a hard look at yourself and just just double track. What part of me is a TV? What isn't What do I need? A tweak what do I just need? A No boat. It's not about using a T. D as an excuse. It's about using it to inform your choices for your day to day living. You might also want to ask some family or friends around you if they've noticed anything that they think are your 80 D symptoms that can also really help. Then, once you're aware of totally how your body impacts you, it starts allowing you to make more accommodations in your life. Like maybe you've always seen yourself as, Ah, person is always on time, you know? And then you realize, Wait, my A D D makes it really hard to be on time. You can still be a person who is fully on time. You just need to know they have to use a bunch of timers and reminders and like a more complex system. And that's fine. You can build that. You just need to know that this is your issue. 3. Unit 3 Goal Setting, Visualization, and Vision Boards: this'll unit were going to be working on setting the right intention for change. So we're doing a big 30 day challenge, right? And in order to properly embraced that concept, it's really important to know how to dream to be able to dream where you're going. Because then how else will you know once you get there, your subconscious also needs help to know what you're working on when you're working towards change. And this is a great exercise to give your subconscious Ah, hook, uh, in terms of that ability to help you while you're trying to change all these habits and think about your life in such a different way this month, the exercise looks like this. Think of your ideal morning. Uh, say, you know your life is as you want it to be. It's your ideal morning. You still have 80 d s. So you're still yourself. But what's different, you know, So walk yourself through that ideal morning. I really recommend writing it down and really tune into all your senses. Such as What are you smelling that morning? Is there a cup of coffee brewing? Or maybe you're not addicted to coffee anymore. Maybe there's t becoming. What do you hear around here? They're birds. Are you somewhere in nature? Do you hear the sound of your Children getting ready by themselves? Like what do you want to be happening? And what do you see around you? D see certain type of colors, structures, buildings, clean dishes, whatever you know, like so really getting into your five senses there and and flushing out as if you were writing a movie script or a play script and just making it exactly as you want. So it could be, you know, I wake up in the morning to the smell of t already ready lavender tea, and my partner has given it to me and said that they also made me breakfast. And then I could smell the smell of eggs and bacon, maybe, or whatever you love smelling in the morning. And then I go and do yoga for a certain amount, Time and stretch find. Oh, my gosh, I'm so flexible and that my yoga mat is really supporting me really well today, you know, And then I go and I focus on this project for an hour that I really need to do and just feel really satisfied every time I get over an issue in the in the work that I'm doing. And then I put on a certain outfit and it feels really comfortable. I feel like there's a lot of space and me for it, and I'm, you know, gives me a lot of energy for the day because I really like the way I look in the morning, whatever you know. So it's It's your goal, so really making something somewhat realistic for yourself. So, reading that script for that morning, I recommend spending at least 10 minutes or so just writing that script of your ideal morning after this 30 day, 80 HD change process. And then by the end of the 30 days, seeing how how close you are to that goal. Secondly, pretty satisfying. You don't expect you're not gonna be there perfectly. You know, this is we're working on things, making big changes in 30 days. What's going to the rest of your life, you know, really implementing a lot of these changes, but your goals will really give you that straight path to go and you'll know when you're on track. Eso good luck with that. I also really recommend if you get a chance this week, um, to set up a vision board. I don't know who you ever heard of. Vision boards might seem like something silly to do, but they're phenomenal. The way that they work is you go through magazines or do drawings or prints stuff off online, and you put it all on this on a board of some kind, you know, glued on or even issues tax or whatever you'd rather and then every day kind of can look at it. And it reminds you of a lot of your goals or things that make you happy things you want to bring more into your life. And research has actually shown having a visual representation, like a vision board over your desk or wherever it is you do. A lot of your work can really boost. Dopamine can boost productivity. Who really, really help get things done because your brains kind of like making it more and more realistic for yourself. So for this week, I challenge you to create some pretty strong goals. You have two options in your experiment. One you can go and create your morning script. So that ideal morning, What does it look like? You know, really have noticed every single single detail, and then I recommend going through it for the rest of this challenge every single day. Or you can make a vision board either online or in real life, where you attach a bunch of pictures or things that are words that really feel associated with your goals in life or during this challenge. And look at that every day. So that is your challenge. And I really recommend you use it as well for other goal setting in your life. Because this is a really great way to get your whole kind of self in full alignment towards your goals and sort of feel like you're one foot in one foot out. It makes it a little bit more realistic. Good luck. 4. Unit 4 STRESS Analysis for Procrastination: So now in beautiful Ostuni, Italy, Just in the south of Italy, on a roof. Terrorist. No, no less. I'm gonna teach you guys a little bit about, um, why we procrastinate in the sense of the origins. Like every single time you procrastinate, there's usually a different reason for it. Um, there's usually something different going on. Um, and and there's usually only five sources to that procrastination or laziness. You know, a lot of people call when people with a d d or anybody, I guess is for fascinating. They say, Oh, you're just being lazy or putting off something. But really, the thing is, is we don't have the energy for some reason, Um and usually there's about five reasons and you can dio figure out the reasons doing a stress analysis. So the word's stressed is an acronym that stands for S T R E S s so tense for steps. Um, thinking negative thinking, especially our is for research. Ah, yes. For emotions, less trauma s is for sensory issues and s is for the last s is for self care. Ah, that was a little test for me because I'm not reading this off of anything. I'm just like we have. What are they again anyway? And so I'm gonna go into figuring out which which ones are getting in your way and what to do about it. So first thing is step So you're procrastinating because you don't have the right first step. So it might be that you're like doing an essay or trying to do a project for work or even try to put on your pants. And maybe you think your first step is right Introduction. But your actual first step, let's say for an essay might be find the instructions or it might be ask a friend or a colleague, you know, if you're actually doing the right thing or it might be, um, open your computer. You know, you may I think the first wrong first step that's taking you in the wrong direction sets steps. Ah, the next possible origin is the t so negative thinking like when you're just starting to sit down and work on this thing. Are you right away going? All of this is gonna sunk. This is gonna go really badly. I'm gonna do such a bad job. It's gonna be just like those other things, you know? Do you have that negative thinking, uh, going on for you? Um, of these. Those are the beautiful bells, by the way. No student. There's always bells every hour. It's it's quite lovely. Um, anyway, so yes. So the, um esses did you pick the right step and then t is the thinking? Are you doing negative thinking already when you sit down because that just trains you've dopamine drains, you of focusing juice super fast. You're you're sabotaging yourself. Really? The next thing is, uh, our, um so are is for research. So is there something that you don't know any ambiguity? Any ambiguity tends to completely screw up your ability to, um, to take steps when you have a t. D. So what that means is say, you're like all you know, I think it's due on Tuesday, but I'm not sure it might be Thursday. You're not going to start that until Monday night when you're like, shoot, is it to zero thers and then you're gonna finally do stuff. You're not gonna start it on the weekend, that's for sure. Or say, you know, you need to figure out OK, I really need to do this. But I'm not sure if I'm using the right tools or if I'm doing to the most effective way, or I'm not sure exactly what my teacher, my friend meant. So get rid of all the ambiguity. You can ask questions, do whatever you can. There. Ah, good. Next thing is E S o, um, E is for emotions. Last trauma. This one's quite interesting. It's, ah where it's not just not actually the task itself that's bothering you. Just all tasks like this. You have a bit of trauma or really negative emotion tied to it that drains or dopamine and energy juice super fast. So that might look like, um, you know, maybe when I was in great for, um, I I was doing a lot of writing exercises, and I had a lot of problems. I didn't get a lot of support for my teachers, and now we never have to do a writing assignment right away. I feel drained like that is gonna suck, you know. So even if the funnest writing assignment, I can't even notice, cause I'm already drained just thinking about it. So that's something worth exploring um So that's what the E Is there some sort of negative emotion tied to it. And so a really good thing to do there is to, um, either president therapy if you can. But if not, do something that boosts your energy and dopamine while you're doing it before you're doing it. And after you're doing it, you know, as much as you can so might look like, you know, if you're gonna do an awful task, like do the first step of it to build momentum. So get started on it while listening to really good music or give yourself a reward. OK, after this is done, I'm gonna go out for ice cream with my friends or something that's gonna refill you really fast. You want that? Good. Next thing after emotions is the first s of stress. Uh, the second s, I guess about three SS and it is sensory issues. So Okay, I was diagnosed with a d. D. In my early twenties, um, so I had to deal with a lot of sensory issues my whole life that I never had a name for. And many people with a d. D typically have overdeveloped sense is one of their one of our five or so senses were typically overdeveloped, so you might things might be each year than they are for other people, or they might be louder. Or the taste might really bother you way more than other people. You might feel pain a lot stronger than others. That's that's one of mine. Another one for me is I smell things a lot of my childhood. I remember the bad breath of or body odor of like music teachers who, like sat really close to me or adults. What a hug when I didn't want Teoh. My sense of smell's gone down quite a bit since then, but that's how my childhood is remembered. I never knew with sensory issues. I just thought as being lazy or a bad kid or oversensitive. I was called sensitive so much as a kid. So be careful with that one, Um, so with sensory issues you want, if you can trade it, see if somebody else can do it. If you can trade, maybe you'll do the vacuuming if they do the dishes. If you have a sensory issues with that or some way pay someone to do it or if you have to do it, um, try to be respectful of your sensory issues where gloves If you say you need to do the dishes and you can't cause water bothers your hands. Or maybe, um, listen to really good music that boost you with dopamine again. Same thing with emotions before, during or after. But knowing that you're gonna drain yourself of dopamine and skinny much worse for you than others, it's gonna take longer. So you want to make space for that. And the last thing is that the last S is ah, self care. So that's there's there's something your body needs were like animals, you know, It's take, for example, a panda and you stick panda and his do. It's not just always seem to be happy if you just kind of feed it in water. It it needs like social stimulation it needs with the right environment. It might need the right plans to eat my need. So many things and saying with humans, we have like vitamins we need, but they're like personality vitamins. So, for example, we might need, um, vitamin people, vitamin play, vitamin alone time, vitamin um, competition. I don't know. Vitamin Ah, healthy food. Vitamin exercise. You really want to figure out what yourself care isn't a good way to do it is just set a time of 15 minutes. Try a certain type of self care at the end of this. 15 minutes, maybe of exercise. Maybe you've talked to a friend on the phone. See how your dopamine feels. Maybe you feel a little more like you can focus. Ah, and then great. It worked. Move on. If not, maybe just do your thing for five minutes or so. We'll talk about that. Maybe in the future. Ah, that's called the two part break. Um, but but it's not. Just get back in and do another 15 minutes of self care and some other way. Eventually, you'll find you'll. You'll be full of dopamine again, and you can try that thing. So anyway, that is how to do a stress analysis. So s T r E s s, um, to try it out and tell me how goes hopefully goes well and your homework is to at least one procrastination session. If not to this week, try to ah, watch yourself procrastinating and just figure out which one or two or three variables of the stress analysis are coming out. So is it. Maybe you have the wrong step and you're missing some bit of research and you have trauma around it. Great. It could be several things and just NS. Soon as you know, you then have the ability to solve it. You know, oftentimes people think procrastination. It's all the same. It just me being lazy. There's nothing further from the truth. So good luck with that and tell me. 5. Unit 4 2 Part Break for Getting Boring Things Started: So now we're going to talk about the two part break a very, very, very, very important strategy for building motivation and being productive, even when whatever you're doing feels like the worst thing in the world and you put it off for months, the two part break can often be super super helpful with that. So good luck. If you're looking for motivation, when the biggest things you can do for motivation is called a two part break, it's phenomenal. I do it all the time. It's ramped up my productivity from like here to like off the charts and now in the most productivity, productive person. Most my friends know, um, and same thing with a lot of my clients who have started using it. So, um, the two part break was works like this. You you only use it when you have the urge to procrastinate like, Oh, I have to do something. But I don't wanna that I don't want a thought or you can't make him here. I don't want that's the cue to start your two part break. Okay, because the two part break tends to address much of the variables of the reasons for laziness. So this is how to park brake works. Eso you first. You start with fun. So you get, like dessert before the meal in this case, So you you start with something fun. So I suggest timer for about 10 or 15 minutes, just said it and just do something that makes you really happy. So, um, you know, that could be, um, you know, playing video games. It could be going for a walk to be doing a workout, reading a book, watching TV, whatever. So 15 minutes guilt free time. Do not let yourself think I shouldn't be doing this right. This is healthy for you. So do it. So after 50 minutes goes off, then you just said another time or for another five minutes. And then during the five minutes you work, you just start working. You just you know, if you can just for five minutes, just work, then after the five minutes goes off, if you still want to keep working Great. Go. And I would only do this to heartbreak again if you're starting. Go. I don't want to do this work anymore. Then good. Go into the 15 minutes of break five minutes of work. But if after five minutes of work you're like, No, I don't work again, that's fine. Go back to 15 minutes a break now and then do the same thing. Five minutes of work. So to cooperate. 50 minutes of fun than five minutes of work. Now, this may seem absurd where this is only getting me doing five minutes of work in 15 months . Break What's up with this? But think about it like this. When there's something you really don't want to be doing, it's like you're taking a huge boulder up hill, right? So this huge boulder you're pushing it As long as you're you're going over this hill, you're gonna need a cute about energy. So you're gonna have to rest a lot, right? So resting. So that resting because you're pushing a boulder is that 15 minute break. And that's what we build up that dopamine that fund that those learning hormones of those memory hormones. We build up the ability to be smart and strong, and then we can keep pushing the boulder at the point where you're like, Oh, it's cool. I don't need to take a break anymore. After the five minutes I'm into my work, I'm enjoying this. That means that you've just gone over the hill. Another boulder will just start rolling itself downwards. You don't need a lot of breaks, and that's great. And that's what until you hit another hill and then go take a break. The worst thing you could do for yourself as a personal a TT is if you hit a wall and you I don't want to do this anymore. Push through. That's the worst thing you could do for yourself because what you're doing is you're going past what you're capable of going, and it's similar to like, if you're not, take doing oil changes, you know, with with a car, you need to do regular well changes, right? If you don't, your engine explodes or bad things happen, right? So this it's similar you need to take all those breaks. When you're starting to run on empty, you need to go do an oil change, right? But if you don't keep working past it, you now don't just need to go in for a quick oil change. You're gonna need a whole day of rest. We're gonna need, like a hole Evening. You're not able to touch anything for, like, three weeks, Possibly. You know, I mean, it was really important that you're taking those micro breaks throughout and not going past your ability so that your engine doesn't explode. You don't have to work on rebuilding it all the time. Now that you've learned a bit about the two part break your homework this week is to try and at least two times maybe one time adding a consequence, you know, maybe something like, say, if you don't, uh, if you don't transition from the 15 minutes of fun right to the work right after. But you owe your remade a dollar your kid a dollar, kids. A really fun to do this with because they're like they make you pay up, you know? There they're amazing little mobsters. Eso try that out on tell So close 6. Unit 5 Self Sabotage: this unit, We're going to work on understanding our self sabotaging cycles. Why? Because I don't know if you've noticed, but most of the time the things in the way of our goals aren't really other people or things. Even it's really predominantly ourselves. And so why do human self sabotage? Well, if you think about it, um, when you're a kid, there's a lot of techniques that really work for you, like looking cute, Um, maybe yelling at your parents, running away from issues like all sorts of things. Right. So at some point in your childhood, these were incredibly useful techniques, right? And then you become an adult, and those are running away from issues or yelling at people or demanding things or whatever . Looking cute. It might not be cutting it anymore, right? Doesn't get you the grade doesn't get you the promotions. Maybe, um and so that doesn't really hugely impact your techniques. That right? A lot of us were formed at a pretty young age, So unless we purposefully go into ourselves, essentially go double check. Like, what are all these techniques I'm using? Are they efficient for me today? Are they reaching my goals? and changing the ones that aren't and that takes a lot of work. You know, it's building new habits and instincts, even. Um, unless you do that, you're just gonna have a lot of old instincts and strategies from when you're a kid, which might not work in your adult life. So let's explore the South sabotage cycle a little bit. First, let's explore some examples around self sabotage. So what? How do people do it? So, for example, I know when I was younger, I used to sabotage myself in school by just getting really into a TV show that I just loved and just going nuts at it, even though there was no Netflix at the time, just like finding it in any way and like consuming the whole Syriza's as quickly as possible. And that would feel much more important to me than doing the work I had to in that moment. That was a nice thing I did for self sabotage. Other ones are include ones that some clients have done, such as One person showed up really late for an interview that he really wanted. Andi could have not been late, but in those last minutes. He was really worried about screwing it up, and then kind of that self sabotaging part of him was just like, Oh, let's just have some more food or comfort ourselves And then they ended up late for that interview and that cause them like a lot of problems and they ended up getting the job, which is pretty exciting. But they were able to ask their manager, How did being late impact things? And they said, You know, we almost didn't take you, but the rest of your resume looks so good. So it all sorts of of ways like that we sabotage ourselves. We, you know, aren't kind enough to our partners and, you know, until they feel neglected. And that could be a big, self sabotaging element. Or like eating way too much when you know that you have a health goal or all sorts of things were just always getting in our way. Are we so and an 80 d that self sabotage can usually be a lot bigger and more impactful for us than others? Because already we're having trouble kind of connecting, you know, to this life connection to others, figuring out how to people do things, and the one self sabotage comes in where essentially you're doing things you know you shouldn't be doing that aren't really right for you. But you're making You're already difficult situation quite a bit worse also, because kids with a D d had to have a lot of like strategic ways to get over difficulties in their childhood. Like some of us learned to lie a lot. Some of us learned. Teoh steal some of us learn to, um, you know, connected the biggest bully in the class and make them like us. Some people could learn to connect through romance like all these people. Be nice to me if I'm dating one of them or something, right? Like there's all sorts of strategies we have to create to survive and as a TV creates a bit of a difference, and some people might pick on us more. We have some more complex strategies, and for yourself to understand yourself sabotage. I recommend a couple of deep searching questions for yourself. Question one. What main things do you tend to sabotage? Question to what our common methods used to self sabotage? Do you overeat? Are you often late. Are you using? Other people are blaming others. Are you making excuses? What would your methods for self sabotage and who doesn't happen around most? Maybe there's certain situations or people where sabotage happens a lot more often like things around your mom or your boss or your partner. The answers to these will be really important when figure out how to stop the self sabotaging cycle because you're gonna have your own unique cycle toe observe and at the very least, once you at least, are consciously aware of it. Eventually, you can start making choices to change what you're doing. For now, A lot of that stuff is in your subconscious, though, so just kind of activates at random times. So let's work on building were awareness around her own self sabotage a couple of interesting modalities that people use, sometimes a sabotage themselves or to sabotage others because that can also happen include logical fallacies and cognitive distortions. Essentially what those are our tricks that our brain uses to trick ourselves into either seeing a different reality or thinking we are different than we actually are? It can often be a very protective element. It helps make us feel safe in that kind of thing. So some examples of those kinds of distortions include jumping to conclusions. Right? So say somebody's talking and they're saying, Oh, I don't know if this is gonna work and office and you jump to the conclusion of okay, they don't like you and it's just not this project won't even happen, right? And then you might SAB sabotage the project because you think that they're already saying that it's never gonna work. And they're only saying we have this one issue, But if then you're reacting as if you're really angry or trying to convince them yes, it will work. You're doing something, really, that's not kind of appropriate to the situation. And that person might be like, I don't understand why you're panicking right now, you know, So that could deteriorate the relationship a little bit. Another great example is called Catastrophe Izing Catastrophe Izing involves thinking the worst possible thing is gonna happen in scenario, like taking one tiny bit and kind of exploding it on thinking, really worst case scenario all the time. So, for example, if somebody says no to you, if you ask for a date. You might not just think. Okay, This person doesn't like me right now. You might then think no one I ever like is gonna like me. Might think there's no point and ask anybody. You might think I'm gonna be alone forever. I'm gonna die alone, you know. So it's your brain gets really creative and just decides on the worst. And when it does something like that, you're often really short changing yourself from getting a lot of things you want because your brain is convinced you that it's okay. You don't have to feel rejected anymore. That was horrible. Let's just never do that thing again. Um And then you have people kind of just saying, Oh, it's okay. I've decided I'm gonna be alone forever. And they're not happy about that. Means some people can be alone, but they decide they're going to be because just hurts. Too bad to try. And these people have to live, um, only like 1/2 life, because they managed to convince themselves that a lot of things they deeply want, but were unable to get for some reason are things they're not allowed to have. It never should try for and then they only live a life of easy winds and easy winds aren't really a great way to live your life. I mean, how would you feel satisfied with yourself? If you're never even trying to you function at your potential, then there's always never thinking, Um, so this one's a really big one when someone is being mean to you might think other always mean to me or if you know your kids isn't listening in that situation, it in a certain conversation, you might think they never listen, especially when you use those words communicate those feelings to other people. It really makes him feel distanced from you to say something's trying really hard. Teoh keep a clean space like a communal space, Maybe a roommate, and you say, Oh my God, this place is always messy. Do you think in that moment your roommate really is looking for you? How can I solve this problem for you know, they're more likely thinking, Hey, how dare you? Sometimes I do clean and it might not be to your standards, but it's not always horrible, right? In the moment you tell someone something always air never something. They're usually not gonna help you fix that problem. They're usually just so stuck going. Hey, I don't always do this. If they can think of one thing that happened five years ago that contradicts your statement like you never clean. Oh, but I cleaned one time five years ago. This person's fighting with you. They're not agreeing with you. And also just in your brain. Just those absolutes, like always, Never. It really makes your life in tandem or black and white, good and bad, and very little of life is that way. It's also really get to double check if you have a bias towards yeses or nos. Also, for example, if you're asked to do things, is your answer automatically just Yes, I'm gonna do it. Or is it? No, I'm not gonna do it if you have a really ago two. That's you reliable use. Most of the time. It's likely saving you mental energy and time, but it's also likely cutting out important things from your life. If you're always saying yes, then you probably don't have great boundaries. If you're always saying no, then you're probably really limiting yourself to a scope of experiences you could be having , especially if you start learning how to say yes, but only if this and that are there or no, in the exception of these things happening or that kind of thing, so trying to live a bit less and they always yes, always know category is really good for your life. And another great example of a logical fallacy is something called appeal to authority. So it's kind of like I'm doing these things because some important dude said so you know? So it could be because God said so. It could be because the preacher at my church, the professor, could be because my older sister said so. But it kind of just taking in whatever someone says is right, without really questioning it or checking if it's right for your values. That definitely causes problems because it's keeping you from really weighing different information properly. So you're like, Oh, it came from this source. It must be really, but that might not really be connected to who you are today, and I really recommend you Google or look up more cognitive distortions and logical fallacies or some cool posters that you can put up. I actually have a poster up in my counseling office, and I love looking at it cause I'm always kind of learning new ones. But once you get to know the logical fallacies, those cognitive distortions, people stop being able to trick you as easily. First, you to start learning how to trick yourself less. And then you also become quite armed against other people. Tricking you are trying to manipulate you or convince you into things that aren't right for you. So I mean, once I learned all these cognitive portions, logical fallacies myself, sabotage went quite a bit lower. Then I did further trauma processing and like looking into my past and reopening up things where I had unhealthy strategies. And then, like I now self sabotage like so, so rarely in combination and in 80 d, it's really mostly sabotage that causes our problems. So super, super helpful. Teoh learn all about the language of sabotage. Lastly, today I really want you to get to know a really strange concept, and it's called a saboteur. So when were younger? We have like a part of us. That's kind of our protector, you know, if someone's angry with us or challenging us or we feel threatened. This kind of inner protector comes along and they're like, kind of a really brave part of us, A brave, and they're willing to do what you're usually not able to do, and they really stand up for themselves at least some way. And as we get older, sometimes those that protector stays really healthy and it's just a healthy protector. But sometimes we get older. That protector kind of morphed into a saboteur where the ways that you're protecting yourself when you were younger, they kind of it becomes. It's this whole creature that keeps you from hope that keeps you from certain life experiences that keeps you from really living. And then it becomes kind of a saboteur. It's similar to a helicopter parent were like They trap you in the room. They don't want to do anything and hurt yourself. But then you're also not able to make friends and go through life experiences and make your own mistakes. So that's what the saboteurs doing. It's kind of trapped you a little bit, and it's really good to know, to get to know your own saboteur. I mean, most people have at least some element of a saboteur. Is this part of you that almost kidnaps you whenever a situation of threatening versus it could be actually threatening, Or you could just think it's threatening. But the saboteur comes over and almost kidnaps you and then gets things done like Get your needs met or gets whatever. But it's often in a pretty clumsy way that might insult a lot of people doing it. And it's not really may be right for you are today. And I know it's weird thinking about that saboteur like a whole real person inside of you. But honestly they are. They are essentially a quite well formed self if you start to get to know it. And I really recommend getting to know your saboteur because then the next time you're sabotaging yourself like Oh, right, Make Saboteur is doing this or oh, I see it got threatened then or it's not. It's doing something exaggerated. The situation You could now start to watch it so brings parts of your unconscious mind. That's kind of were saboteur lives to your conscious mind, where you now see it jump out into action. You can start pulling it back like I don't think we have to go, you know, guns blazing in this situation anymore. So when you're getting to know your saboteur, I recommend maybe even drawing it or painting it or doing it or whatever, like anything that you can to kind of give a visual representation you could even use, like graphic software that helps build video game characters or whatever. And you can kind of build one that looks like your saboteur. I really recommend it. I've done it with my own. It was fun. But I really want you to think about how does your saboteur dress, You know, how old are they? What does their face look like? What does their hair look like? They likely have some differences than what you look like. Rarely does the saboteur look exactly like you. It might have straighter hair. It might be older, younger. I might have an angry or facial expression or a dismissive facial expression. I also noticed, if there's any props, is it always standing with a broom when you think about it, or an ax or something like that, Right. What's it wearing? What I choose what colors? You know, just everything and even think about its likes and dislikes. What does your saboteur like the most? Is there a season that it likes the best? A type of conversations that it has are the things that are really it's pet peeves, things that annoy it or make it jump into action and also what emotions come connected to your saboteur. So does your saboteur always jump in whenever you feel threatened or bored or alienated or alone? You know what brings up the saboteur? And then once the saboteur arrives, what emotions is a Carrie? So maybe it's like you feel really threatened and the saboteur comes and you feel superior and like everyone stupid. And that feels great, because the saboteur that helps you feel less vulnerable, right? So start really thinking about it. And then I also want you to ask yourself, When did my saboteur become bigger or smaller? You know what changes during my life did all of a sudden did appear in some weird form? Or did it start having more influence on me because that's usually the original thing that kind of threatened you, like around a certain period of years when the saboteur may have gotten a lot stronger, that likely means that you weren't getting your needs met and you're feeling quite threatened. And so that probably grew the saboteur. And how had it start taking over a lot more often. So that's really good to know about it. And really enough. I want you to also wonder, What does your saboteur really want for you? What are the highest intentions? Such as? If a helicopter parent, you know, that's kind of tracked their kid, you know, in this tiny world where the kid is theoretically safe, what does that parent want? Right. They want there, child, to be safe toe, listen to them to feel like a good parent. You know, your saboteur like, so he likely has similar things that it needs. Um, it might want you to take more breaks and might want you to say no more. It might want you to stop hanging around people that disrespect you. It might want you to stop studying a topic that's really wrong for you and that you don't care anything about. I might want you to go into a topic that really lights you up inside. You know, um, your saboteur might want a lot of quite complex things that's important to listen and kind of similar to listening. Teoh the demands of a kidnapper. You know, they likely want something. I mean, you might not want to give it everything, but is probably something you could offer it in exchange for giving you back some some of some control over yourself in threatening situations. So that might look like making a deal with it that you're gonna get into less threatening situations that you're gonna, you know, look, look for red flags more, you know, arrest more or say no, at least, like 20% more. Or think before you make plans or something like that, Right to really figure out. What does your saboteur want? There's a pretty important unit because our saboteur, if we're not in control of it, if we don't morph it back into a healthy protector, um then it's not really Our lives were leading and and that's why we don't really feel like we're in the driver's seat. You know, we feel like we're just being pulled along to everything and having somebody else making these choices. for us that often aren't right for us. So it's really rebuilds. Trust with your with yourself and gives gives you a better analysis of who you actually are when you're not being triggered. When you're not jumping to conclusions when you're not doing all these silly things that you think are protecting you but are trapping even a tiny tiny little world. So you're experiment for this unit is to really map out that saboteur draw toe, right? Oh, figure out there likes their dislikes, the emotions they're connected. Teoh. Everything. Figure out what it wants from you when it's not in control. When it isn't control, really get to know it better and feel how it changes during this 30 day period. Maybe it starts coming out less form, or sometimes when you look at it, it can get really angry and agitated. Um, so watch out for all of that. It will be pretty interesting to watch it. I promise 7. Unit 6 friendship and self esteem: so very common thing that people with eight HD often complain about is feeling they have a low self esteem, which makes complete sense. When you think of what self esteem is. It's kind of like where do you fit in the hierarchy of human? So when you're around a bunch of people, should you feel good about yourself like you have a lot to offer? Should you feel bad about yourself like you're not enough for some reason, okay? And so it makes lot of sense. A lot of people with a Did he have low self esteem? Because from a young age, we were always kind of told were not as important, we're not as valuable were kind of annoying were big burden. You know, a lot of those messages eventually make you feel like you're pretty low in the hierarchy of humans, right? So any time you're with a new human, you're always thinking, Well, how am I gonna screw up? What are they looking at? What's wrong with me? You know what? I was trying to prove yourself when you had a healthy upbringing. That's rarely something that actually comes up. You're just kind of your brain kind of goes, Oh, this person's not accepting me. Well, that's okay. My family except me or my best friends except me or my teachers except me. You know, when you have that kind of those people in your life really echoing and constantly sharing how great you are when you become older, that's the script. In your head. When things go wrong, are always thinking it's okay. I'm probably good enough. Let's figure out how to fix the situation. But as you'd imagine, a lot of people lady who didn't have a lot of support when we were growing up who always seemed to stick out weirdly, a lot of people may not have understood. Um, we're not gonna feel that great about ourselves. So what do we do about it? So research on self esteem really shows that you actually build it the same way that it was broken. So when you think of how you broke your self esteem like you probably grew up and had a healthy self esteem, like most kids, little kids or just right away is sharing their emotions, sharing their needs. You know, nothing stops them because they just figure everyone needs to know this stuff, right? Great. I want them to help me. But then as you get older, you eventually might get lessons that, like our messages that say, nobody cares what you think. Nobody cares what you need, right? And then your self esteem just grow like it just shrinks. So to rebuild your self esteem, what you actually need like when you were younger, those all of those negative messages you need as an older person, a lot of really positive messages. So it's best to have, like, some sort of group, or some people they don't all have to know each other, see each other. But how it works is when you're around groups of people or, like multiple people who are constant echoing back how cool you are. And they see a lot of good in you that they can relate to you and that. You know, you have a lot in common or whatever it is that maybe you have a really strong skill set in something they care about, whatever you're getting those messages, and then that really starts growing that self esteem and you start getting new thoughts, like if someone's mean to you think? Well, you know, my friends, except this part of me or well, I'm good at these things. So who cares? Right? That's a very protective thing that is built into the brain when you're treated in that way and it really boost your self esteem. So there's no big magic to it. Essentially, just find like minded others and then rebuild that self esteem. Now how do you find like minded others as if you haven't been looking right like That's the easiest thing in the world. There's a lot of really great ways to go about it. One of them is support groups. So people with eight HD when you go to an 80 HD support group and they're often offered in most cities. And, at the very least, online you can find the in multiple places. Just Google 80 HD Support Group or Google 80 HD Support group your town name on, and you'll usually be able to find them, and what happens is like you connect. You go to these 80 groups. Often they're free or quite cheap, and you're able to really see other people like you and other people because they're used Teoh. Maybe you being late or sloppy or from getting what you're saying midsentence. They're not using those points to remove from you, right? You're all finding lots in common. You're seeing each other strength. This really builds self esteem quite quickly, but you don't have to go to an 80 support group. That's just a really nice, quick way to do it where you're quite likely to be treated well. But there's a lot of other ways to find those friendship circles that are right for you. So some really great ways to build meaningful connections and friendships with others are reconnecting with old friends used to be really close to. I mean, if you guys drifted apart based on geography or some other issues, I really recommend reconnecting, especially if you live in the same town. Other people that you're seeing on a frequent basis that are echoing back positive messages to you about yourself are really important for self esteem and for general well being. Another thing I really strongly suggest is something called meet up dot com. I love it. I used it over and over. I've gone to groups connected Teoh. You know, people who like kayaking groups connected to people who like playing volleyball. 80 HD related groups. I've been to so many different meet up groups, especially if I go to a new town, often actually go to a meet up dot com event because they're just all over the world and so you can even yourself. If you don't find groups of people into what you're into, like that's the magic of meat up dot com. You can really find people through your special interests so often with a D. D. We have a lot of special interests, right and so and were often quite skilled at them and really love talking about them and teaching. So when you go to these events and people are asking questions and you're showing is knowledgeable and you've shown that you have a lot to offer, that's a really great place to start. Building friendships and group friendship, connections and a really important thing. If you do go to meet up dot com groups or any kind of group situation, they might meet up once a month or something like that, right? It might not be that frequent a really important part to creating deep connective friendships are finding some way finding something that you both do where you can connect around it quite frequently. For example, if you find someone in a meet up dot com group and they love walking, for example, invite them out walking, do something weekly with them. I really recommend at least seeing someone weekly in the beginning, when you're really trying to create a friendship as much as you can, finding something you guys could do together some way that you're connected, either, like you join a camp. There's camps for older people. You know you can join a team like a sports team. You conjoined a league of some kind, you know, whatever it is, as long as you're connecting the same people weekly. And I could just be one person you're connecting to weekly. It's that stickiness, the stickiness. When we, like, see a person frequently enough, we just start becoming part of who they are and they start craving us. They start asking us to do things more, you know, praying a really great connective bond. And that used to be really easy back in high school or elementary school, right? And university. Even you had these classes with other people. Write that you were put together over and over on over together to keep working on stuff and doing things. And so through that a lot of friendships formed right where you can find a lot to talk about to relate. Teoh complain about that kind of stuff, right? As an adult, you're not really forced together with people as much or other than in the workplace. And even in the workplace, some of us work from home. Or maybe we don't really want to be our full Selves in the workplace, right? Maybe we're We have a lot of controversial likes and dislikes that we don't really want. People make fun over know about ourselves. This keeps us from really building vulnerability. And that happens a lot with a PhD because we had to be quite unique people that maybe wouldn't think that we would be someone who, being Toe X like maybe have a poly armors, open marriage. Maybe you're part of a church. Maybe you're part of a certain kind of team doing some weird stuff. I don't know, but you might not want maybe people at your work to totally know that about you, and that's okay. So but you want to create those sticky interactions? Were you seeing other people at least weekly and then a lot of good friendships and to come out of that? And if you can't find a meet up dot com group that does what you want, create one. It currently costs about $12 American to run a meet up dot com group, and you can have actually up to three of them where you're you know, for that for that price where you're running a lot of groups, you could have, you know, um, a weekly or monthly potluck through for you guys watch old films, right? You could have something where you guys want, play chess and read books at the same time. You know you can create something where your kayaking and it's for people who also loved growing their own food. You could mix a bunch of your interest and create your own very, very unique group on the cool part about meet up dot com is it just spreads it around to millions of people, really, and eventually, I mean, might not be right away. But in several months, you might have a really like active group of friends doing really cool, regular stuff and then you'll watch what your self esteem does. Another great suggestion is when you meet someone that could be that right person that feels right for this place where you're in in your life or feel like a good influence, you can actually tell them. Hey, you know what? I'm looking for more friends. Would you like to hang out regularly or hang out this Tuesday? I would love that. You know, that's great. Telling them your intentions is really helpful. Some people might be like old story. You know, I'm all full of friends, and at least now you know, Right. But a lot of people, they're like, Oh, right. You want me, my friend. You don't just want to see each other like once a year. You actually want to part of my life. Okay, let's see if, like, how How do we want to make that happen? It's really good to make that date, you know, for when you're gonna hang up next, like right, then don't be like Oh, sure, we'll call each other. We'll set up something later like, just check with them, right? Like, are you free this Tuesday at 3 p.m. You know, that's typically a good sign if they're like looking through the calendar like, yeah, I want to do that. And some people are too busy and that will work for them. But the faster you could make that that that connection and ideally, I'd recommend within about two weeks from meeting this person, getting them to do something with you together really starts things off on a good foot. Then they've met you. They want to connect to you, and you're still getting them during the, you know, good connection, period. Also, when you meet someone you like, ask for their Facebook or their Twitter accounts or whatever that sometimes a little less scary than asking for their number. Their email, especially if they're the opposite sex. You, they might think that you're trying to flirt with them or whatever, but a Facebook like asking if you're on Facebook or Twitter can often be a really nice way to like where it's kind of ambiguous, you know, they don't know if you're asking to date or friendship. It can make it a lot more comfortable, especially some men are uncomfortable asking other men for their information. So, like, are you on? Facebook tends to go over pretty well versus, you know, they might feel less comfortable asking for their number or something might figure like, you know, a dating scenario or something again, This is I don't agree that that's what it is. But that's just what people seem to be afraid of when I've talked to a lot of people about friendship and fun. Fact. You know, most clients I came into our office at the 80 HD Asperger Center there, you know, I first coming for issues like productivity, you know, they want to do trauma processing. They want to get, you know, get better at their job, all sorts of things. But eventually, I'd say about 95% of them are so end up eventually talking about being lonely. You know what, really wanting more friends around, not knowing what they get connected people around talking about that. Others don't like them as a friend, sometimes because they forget to call back or to email pack. You know, they often say no when people are going places, so It's really hard for us to keep those long term connections. So it's really important for us to a know that about ourselves. And so find other friends were okay with that who also like, you know, maybe only talking once a month or whatever. But then that feels right for you, you know? Or that like doing things together but not just hanging out like finding the right friends . I'd like to do what you like in the way that you like. That's really important as well as being able to build new friends. If you, for example, like just your friends, have moved away or whatever's happened, there's all sorts of reasons why we need to re create more friendship connections. But just so you know, you're really not alone in the self esteem area or the having trouble making friends area. Another cool thing about friendship is that you really become about the five people you spend the most time with, and I mean your friends. You can choose those, and you can decide who you want to be. I really recommend in your main kind of friends circle the people that you see the most. I recommend you have at least several of them who are really doing better than you in a lot of areas of life, because then they can always push you along and you can try to catch up. And that's that could be really great for mental health when they're not, like, super far away. Or some people find it really helpful to have, like a couple friends, doing a bit less well than them and a couple people doing a lot better than them. And if you know, then it kind of balances out the self esteem like, you know, I could be great and do all these great things, But I'm still okay. If I'm not doing all these things, I'm still doing better than these friends, and I know that's a weird way to think about it. For some people, that really helps in terms of how they achieve their goals and how they feel around their friends and how their self esteem is. Um, but I really recommend thinking about friends like you think about jobs like you're really finding the people. They're gonna influence you your internal self that is really gonna help build you for the next little while and you want to do that on purpose. So this experiment is all about connecting with people. You could do that in whatever way feels comfortable. Goethe, meet up dot com group, Reconnect to an old acquaintance. Ask somebody you met recently to go do something fun. Somebody's Facebook when you meet them. If they look interesting, uh, just start really building that part of yourself and thinking about it a little bit more practically, you know, making sure that you're getting what you need of your friends. They're not just happening to you. 8. Unit 7 Boundaries: So this union is about boundaries. So what are some examples of boundaries? Weapon is me not wearing makeup or my hair really any different than I went every day for making these videos. That's a big boundary for me because I make videos all the time and I know that I just wouldn't start them. I didn't get in the way. If I just expect myself, you know? Look all perfect. This is kind of just is what you get not staying at your in laws house overnight, just maybe for a quick dinner, leaving a party at 11 p.m. So you actually have time to sleep for that important morning meeting, helping someone with moving, but only if all the boxes are already fully prepared when you get there, and only maximum for three hours and not always being expected to be a designated driver, even if you don't drink. These are all great examples of boundaries. The wire people like us with 80 so bad boundaries, but we're impulsive. We say yes, without really thinking. We also have trouble prioritizing to figure out kind of which tasks are more important. So when someone says hey, do this for me. We're kind of like Okay, I don't really know anything else. More important I'm supposed to do. We have to say yes a lot because we're trying to please. This is really common in 80 because when we're younger, our needs look like preferences. So everybody else's needs come first. For example, your parents may have thought that it was a want for you to watch TV while you studied. But for you it was very possibly in need because for a lot of people with a d, we need special simulation while we study to give us that focusing energy. Another reason is that many of us don't have calendars. We don't have our calendar on us, or we had, like, five calendars scattered all over the place and probably not on us. And we have to check them off. So we're kind of overwhelmed by that. And so we just say yes, and we just figure will be scheduled later, which, by the way, wastes a huge amount of time. We're afraid people are gonna get angry with us if we say no baby, that's sounding a little bit familiar. I know it was something really common for me. Before I did my own therapy in my own work, I was saying yes to things all over the place, and I wasn't really living my life. I was living somebody else's living your life, Mr Big. So why air boundaries so valuable? They help you create guidelines and limits in your life To really honor your long term goals. Help you trust yourself and like yourself, imagine that they make sure that you're really spending your time and energy on things that matter to you in your life. The help. You listen to your emotions so that when you do give, you could happily give to others without resentment and resentment can often just cannibalize a relationship from the inside out. So what are some signs that you have poor boundaries? You'll often feel resentful, mad and taking for granted. A lot of the time you're disconnected from your emotions, making them blow out sideways in a lot of inappropriate situations. For example, you might get really mad at your partner for no reason or start yelling at your kids and go Wait, why did I just do that? Who is that? Are those your values your constantly behind on deadlines, and you're depressed really anxious, often because you're not really living your own life. So what happens if you have trouble saying no? Well, people take advantage of you a lot, and they're really not listening to your boundaries because they're used to you not really . Having you get more and more disconnected for your feelings, which are really just there to tell you limits and priorities that are important for you and your long term goals. You get over committed and overwhelmed, and you really stopped trusting yourself because I mean, you never really followed through on your goals anyway. Something's always getting in the way, and that could lead to a lot of depression. It's also really hard to build self discipline without being able to say no. And self discipline is a muscle that you get from prioritizing your long term needs over your short term wants. Instead of building self discipline, you're spending all your time helping build other people's lives and goals, but not really your own that eventually makes you run out of helping. So at a time when a loved one really, really, really needs you, you might be all spent and just can't help them out of something that you really would love to have been able to be there for. So how do we learn to say no Step one? Do a boundary assessment. Explore the issues that a lot of boundary have had on your life. Ask yourself where your boundaries need to be stronger in what situations and around which people do you found. It's really hard to maintain those boundaries. Step, too. Now that you understand your boundaries a lot better, it's time to make situation specific strategies. For example, if you often have issues with scheduling like Calendar stuff, make a system for yourself. Where, before you agree to anything, you first excuse yourself. Leave the room. Take a couple deep breaths. Check your calendar, which I hope you have on you or your five calendars. And then once you had time to think, come back into the room and tell him your needs. I mean, either yes or no or whatever. Breathing is really important, even though it sounds silly, because often we were put on the spot we hold our breath, and holding our breath usually leads to losing about 15 i Q points really quickly. That's what you're body's been told to do and losing track of your long term memories. You don't really remember your long term goals. I don't really remember where you were supposed to be doing. So Take a couple. Deep breaths is the fastest way to trigger to your body that you're safe to relax it, to give you back access to your memories, to give you back your acupoints and to really make the best choice for you in that moment. And if you really want to develop strong boundaries, Number three is most important. Number three is developing boundaries of steel here. Two strategies that are just going to really maximize your Billy set boundaries and make them over time. Feel like no big deal. If I say no to this, that's cool. You'll still like me, right? Boundaries of steelmaking exercise One is all about wearing two bracelets on your rest, so you put two races on your risk, and throughout the day you only move the bracelet to the other hand. If you didn't maintain a boundary, so you said yes, is something that you really shouldn't have. If you get to the end of the day and at least one boundary is still in your wrist. You win that stage one of it. Yeah, you can also increase and make the gold, keeping two bracelets on your hand. That's cool, too. What is going to start with one goal is essentially to bring awareness to your practice of saying no. So if you're saying no properly, you get to keep the braces on the wrist. If by chance you're saying yes is something that later you're like, I should have really taken a break and thought about it, Move it to the other hand. I've done this exercise and an example for me. I am really motivated by consequences more than rewards. So for me, I deal where I gave my husband $1 for my fun money to hiss fund money every day when I ended. The day without at least one race is still on my left hand. I found that pretty motivating because that was like a fun game that we played and my boundaries became so much stronger after it. Another exercise is for those who are really hard core serious about improving their boundaries. It is called the Rejection Challenge. So the way that you do the rejection challenge is for every day for the rest of this challenge. All the rest of the days you get at least one purposeful rejection a day. So you go into the world. I mean, that could involve doing whatever you want to say. No, it could look like asking for free donuts. Donut counter asking a person out It could look like asking for directions. It could look like asking if you could pay Bitcoin for something that be entertaining. But the goal is that every day you at least get one. No on purpose. Not like by accident. No, like you asked. Oh, hey, can I have some more sugar? Nowhere out. Now you have to go out on purpose and go. I'm gonna go get a no. And you don't relax. You don't stop until you get that. No, really cool things happen when you do this because you'll actually often see that the world a response pretty well to your nose, but also will often say yes about things that you're like. I never thought to ask. I'm really glad I asked one climb has given us permission to share his story. I did it with his wife where one day he asked for a little something something, and then she was like, Okay, Was that like, Oh, my goodness. You know so often you can get things that you just thought you can't ask for. But actually, it turns out the answer is yes. So your experiment this week is to do a boundary assessment, create situation specific strategies and try one of those two techniques we mentioned that builds boundaries of steel. And don't forget to do your boundaries of steel exercise until the end of this 30 day challenge. To really be able to see huge growth and change, and you're really gonna be building a lot of new self respect, be like this cup and start saying new, be like this cup and start saying no confidently, I'm pretty sure this couple saying, No, it doesn't look like it. Yes, 9. Unit 8 Creating the Perfect Career: so really important part of building the right life for you when you have eight HD is getting the right work environment, having like where you feel appreciated and supported and were able to move around if you need to, as well as making sure that your passions and thing and causes in the world that you care about her part of your job. And there's really a lot to consider and honestly, many, many people with 80 HD I'd say most are pretty unhappy in their careers because it's really hard to do to get the right work situation when you have a DHD without really doing it on purpose. And only in the last couple decades have we really been understanding 80 d so make sense that not that many people have had the chance to do this and I've personally done this. So I built a lot of my life and my career, really, with my 80 HD in mind and figure like what's really best for me, what what would be the most sustainable path and I really found for myself and we've helped a lot of clients with this too, is it's going to be work that like where I get to be at home a lot of the time for myself. Where, who, what? When I do communicate with people, it's really easy to communicate with each other and solve problems. It's gonna be a job where I could do like, multiple different things and switch between tasks and also start my day whenever I am in the mood for it. Like whenever I feel ready and then take breaks when my brain, maybe my daughter means really low into my brain's not working as fast. Um, those are all really important things, but as well as for me, bringing in a huge amount of meeting. Like even as a therapist, I theoretically have a very meaningful job. But for myself, the rial level of meaning I get through if I'm like writing books and doing talks and helping clients and running groups and doing something that in a larger concept will exist when I'm gone like that, helping in certain ways like that. So those were what I needed for my minimum needs anyway. So through this is just a little a good example of like how you can follow these elements and yourself in a little bit of a different way than most people think of building their careers. There's just a lot more to oppress, and often it's not just going to be one career. A lot of us thrive best on the career. That's multiple careers on the weekends were running a camp for doing an entrepreneurial pursuit on the week days. We manage a department to the law firm. There's a lot of elements that really make the right career for you. Something we create that HD and Asperger Center is called The Life Path Equation realized that for people with 80 HD, we needed a really unique way to work towards what the right career for them is. It just wasn't enough to use those typical boxed career tests. They just were really yielding results. Career test would just say something super vague, like business, person or entrepreneur. But there's so many different types of entrepreneurs, and the fact that people with a D H. D so often become entrepreneurs way really wanted a way to differentiate between all the types. The first thing is the work environment adventuring. Here's where you're really exploring in a work environment and in the task. You're actually doing what needs to be part of things, what could be part of things and what absolutely cannot be part of things. The way we determine your needs of what you need in the work environment is if this thing isn't there on a reliable basis, your soul will shrivel and eventually will definitely become on unsatisfied with the work place. So you will need these things. So for some people might mean I need to spend some time around people or I need to have some time on my own or I need Teoh working outside sometimes, or I need it to be, you know, maximum 30 minute commute. You know, otherwise a long commute in the morning always makes me upset. Your needs air that you're wants are more like the icing on the cake. Like if my needs were met, then it would be really nice if I could bike bike to work, you know, or be really nice if you know I was the employee of the month every month or whatever. So those are your wants, like icing on the cake like this would be nice. It's really nice to have our wants figured out versus our needs because the knees you have to get the wants air flexible. But sometimes we can be romanced by wants, and then a lover needs aren't met. And then those jobs just don't appeal to us at all. And lastly, there's I'm not allowed. So what will you not tolerate? A lot of these you might learn from previous worker volunteering experiences. What, What doesn't work for you? Such as, you know, having to wear a costume. Well, having to, um, deal with the boss who's really emotionally volatile, having to constantly defend your job because you're about to be fired, I don't know. Whatever you're not okay with is really important with a d d. Our work environment, where were generally doing and how people treat us are all were so, so, so, so important. The next part is called the three p's and Venturi. So you put in five things under your kind of favorite things to do those your passions and that could be specific things like, Are you like going for walks? I like hang out my friends I love practising flute or it could be, you know, vague things like helping the planet or being a good person. You know, just anything that like your top kind of values or things you love to do, just, like put them on their especially things that are really common nowadays that you're doing a lot in the next part of the three p's are your pains to pick five things that bother you in the world that, like causes that you believe it or things that really sucks. So maybe you really believe in liberalism. Or maybe you really believe that that vendor on the street, who you just bought a hot dog from really shouldn't have been mean to you or that people need to be nice to the people around them, whatever it could be. Anything you're passionate about. But with 80 our passions are huge, much bigger and more pronounced in the average person. We can't really adapt to not having our passions in our lives. And the last of the three p's are your praises. So here list down about five things that people have said to you that you're just really good at that. You've got a lot of feedback, like could be anything from. You have a great smile to you. Really good at editing, You know, to your really great at growing people's ideas in a really practical way. Whatever things that people have told you that you're awesome at. So that is the three p's and Venturi and what I want you to do with the three pieces every category. So all three areas in it you want Teoh number on scale 1 to 10. So 10 means that these air really strong for you. And one means that these air less strong. Pick your top two or three. Those air really gonna guide you to the next step the last part of the three p's and Venturi's brainstorm session. This is where you sit down with somebody else ideally, but you could do it on your own if you want. Usually we would do it like we have a therapist with you here. Well, there's We give a list of lots of possible job options like just kind of random things to jog your memory. You'll have that with the writing tools we have with this unit. So brainstorm for about 10 minutes, and in those 10 minutes we brainstorm boat every possible job that you can think of, including micro jobs, not just like lawyer, but doing research on law files. If that's really the specific job category or interest said that you have, don't be just so vague like fireman. You could totally be like Fireman Manager. Well, you know that kind of thing. So you go through this brainstorm for 10 minutes and you look at our list to see if any of those work to add to your list or other things that come up that aren't on our list. That's even better. And before you start the brainstorm, really consider your work environment and three piece that we discussed. Look at the trades and such that got the highest ratings. And what kind of jobs could qualify work within those needs that you have? You might find that there's a lot more than you would think. Often, people don't even think about what jobs will fit me. They just think what jobs are available than a lot of people they did. You just end up really unsatisfied with their lives. They developed lots of depression and other issues because we didn't really decide our lives We just picked what life through it us. I mean, in a way, we didn't even pick it all for us. It's just so important to find that job that's really meaningful, and that fits our personality and our needs. Once you've done the brainstorm, I really recommend on a scale of 1 to 10 great every job on that list. 10. Being while this really fits me and my needs and my work environment and won being while this really doesn't fit me at all, you don't have to do all the scaling. It just makes it a lot easier to see in the end what really comes up. Highest your priorities. You can skip that because a lot of people with a TV don't really like doing scaling things . But if you can really makes exercise more effective for the top two or three of those jobs and seemed to really resonate with you most, I'd say connect to people who already have that drop. So, like, interview them so maybe give like an uncle. If you have a cousin or a friend or someone who knows somebody in an industry that you want to go into or who has that job like Go interview them, ask him out for a coffee or tea and like and say your tree kind of thing. See whatever you can offer them to get connected to them and learn more about their their world. And then you can start to get to know if it's really part of your needs. Wants, not allowed, like if they're really met in your work environment or not. I also really recommend going out in volunteering. I have volunteered so much and and it was really, really helpful to figuring out even within my industry, which was psychology. Like where what part is I called you didn't want to be part of. It was incredibly helpful what I learned. Oh man, I don't like working with these populations. Just get so much energy out of like working with entrepreneurs. Another thing you can set up with those top jobs is set up job shadowing where you see it with certain people in those industries, you can join them in their work place for a day. However, you could ask questions, see what they're doing. Kind of really understand if this job in reality actually fits who you are, what you like to do. Sometimes you could just call it professionals. You don't even have to know them, and you just ask them about their job. A lot of people just love talking about themselves, so hopefully those will give you a really good idea of what is suited for you. I really recommend going into a job, Really, with your eyes wide open of understanding that work environment, that kind of hours, that'll be needed, how other people are treated in that company because then you're just so much more likely to end up in the place of really appreciates you and appreciates the amazing strengthen HD brings. And just a couple things I have to say on that are, if you know that it's a mental health friendly environment where maybe you're working in mental health or maybe they have initiatives around mental health, then it could be a lot more acceptable to bring up your A d. D. Just know that if you do bring it up in the job environment, it could often actually lead to more job security. It legitimately becomes harder to fire you because now you have, like a real disability that's been identified. But I also know that if you're going to disclose that you have a PhD in the workplace, that they could really look at you more specifically, they can think of all what they think a duty means, you know, which they might think it means being unreliable or lying or whatever associations they might have to 80 d They're gonna project that at you and look at your work through this new lens. So some people really don't like that in the workplace, is they get maybe picked on more or their work is picked apart. More often is that could be worrisome. And it can be careful. Also, if you have a new organization where it's not very mental health friendly, I wouldn't say to disclose. Instead, I would say so. I don't work well with these three things, but these other techniques or tools help me work better so you can still bring up what you need. We don't have to call it 80 HD, and that can really help. I'd say typically in bigger organizations would like a well developed HR department. Often it's a lot safer to disclose that in small organisations where no one's really looking out for your rights in the same way. So your experiment for the week is to try to do a life path equation for yourself. So really assessing those three p's your work environment doing that brainstorm, setting up that volunteering or job shadowing? Maybe spending 10 minutes every day on this or asking someone to help you you definitely won't regret it. Even people who know what is right for them like the right job for them sometimes going through this if they find that those jobs and those positions that they're working towards are really coming out at the end, that that's the right thing for them. That's a really, really great sign that you're working towards something that is fully integrated with your values and that you're more likely to end up a lot happier with so thumbs up that happens. And if you have any trouble at all with the Life Path equation, you're welcome to connect to one of our coaches who, on the phone can lead you through all the steps because sometimes you want to help person instruction with what you're doing. It takes about like 50 minutes to 80 minutes, I found. But sometimes it can definitely be quicker on your own. So good luck on this unit. 10. Unit 9 ADHD & Romantic Relationships: So this unit is all about building a romantic relationship that is satisfying. And here's why. People with eight HD were very influenced by who were around. And one of the biggest influencers is often our partner because the way they talk to us gets really deep into our subconscious, and it can make changes in their And if we're not careful, those changes might not be right. They might be abusive, manipulative. In fact, something really common in people with eight HD is getting into abusive relationships emotionally abusive, physically abusive whatever. Because often we're just we're so unique and we're used to feeling left out were used to doing things strangely, and people telling us that we're doing it wrong, you know? So because of that, we often have lower self esteem. So if we have a partner that comes in and say they're more nerve typical, they're more like other people. They have more typical norms. Ah, lot of norm shaming can occur. So norm shaming is where that person determines that because they, they and everybody they know do a certain thing one way that you should therefore do that thing that way. And that's not true at all just because lots of people do it, Um, it doesn't mean that that's the right way to go. And lots of 80 HD years know exactly what I'm talking about here because I'm often what's right for everybody really know right for us. Even people with eight HD and other people aged, you can create really difficult relationships because in those relationships it could be hard to have things be reliable, to take care of stuff as needed to make goals and fulfill them like that. That could be a big complaint in a TV relationships. So in this unit, we're going to talk about how to make a relationship. You're in better if you can, as well as how to find the right relationship if you don't have one already. So first wonder common issues up exists in relationships where at least one partner has a D . H d. Typically, there is poor reliability on at least one partner's behalf, so that might look like always forgetting things, not being there to pick up the kids when needed, you know, forgetting anniversaries. Also just a high level of forgetting things can really happen so really important things that the other person get missed. Often a lot of misunderstandings occur as well. So misunderstandings like, you know, asking someone to do one thing. And they interpret something totally different. You know, asking for a party on your birthday and then thinking that means, like a party together instead of apart me with parting with several friends. Like all sorts of misunderstandings happen for one. Because people lady sometimes Oh, no. So they might miss bits of the conversation and other times because our brains were so creative, we can usually think of, like 10 interpretations of every sentence, other issues that tend to come up our anger issues so often people with a D. D. We have trouble regulating our emotions so we can get very angry and then almost forget what we said when we were angry. And then everyone's really upset with us and that kind of cause, all sorts of issues where even we don't intend to, we could just be doing things that are pretty unfair because we're in a state of anger, a rate also, common issues are maintaining a career or school or that kind of thing, being able to stay in until the end can be really hard on family members and people in your relationship because they don't know what to predict. They don't know like how what's gonna happen tomorrow? Financial instabilities a lot more common, that kind of thing. We also tend to be quite disconnected from our emotions, And this disconnection can lead to us not asking for needs until it's way too late and explosions instead, or using guilting or shaming behaviors and others to get them to give you what you need, because you're not really meeting your own needs because you're made a bit more disconnected from your emotions. So if you're already in a relationship, let's talk about how you could make it really stronger and get over a lot of those issues that people with eight HD encounter a lot for one, uh, go to couples counseling. I mean, that may seem like something people only do when things were really bad off, but I really recommend it, especially if you're getting along with your partner. Research shows that people actually go to couples counseling about six years too late, so as a couples therapist, I've seen that a lot. It looks like to people who have come in. They have years, ah, feeling completely unheard by each other. And it's incredibly hard toe Wake up that curiosity and openness to one another. By the time you have this kind of zombie relationship in your office, you know it's much better to get it when you know things were just starting to hurt when the relationship is just starting to have some issues and then just jumping right in there and making sure Teoh create a very healthy culture in your relationship. And this is why I really recommend for people with a D D go to couples counseling, like within the first month or two of starting date. You know, it sounds crazy, but really, you're gonna have really different relationship expectations than your partner, even if you both have 80 D it just like it's a D. D. Is a bit of a uniqueness condition. You're gonna be very unique even if you're with other people just like you. Theoretically, and so what really helps is going. Couples counseling is getting on the same page, creating a culture in the relationship that really works for both of you. Negotiating norms like who's gonna take out the garbage? Who's going to do the dishes? Who's going to do the cooking? Who's going? Teoh. Manage us with time. When we're getting late, who's going to remind us to go to bed? Really negotiating like, what are your strengths and weaknesses? That's really, really important. Don't just go with normal norms. It won't work out. And if you're in a relationship and someone has a D. D, you probably have really good experiences with it, not working out when some when you're each is making assumptions about what the other person's gonna do. Another great tip for if you're already in a relationship, are starting to have weekly State of the Union conversations. So what those mean is like maybe just 1/2 an hour an hour whatever you want to put aside and I recommend it happening sometime on the weekend, so it could be every Saturday at noon or it could be Saturday or Sunday at noon, and every week you might change it up. But having a time when you know you come together and you will talk about or resolve any conflict, just checking on how's the relationship going? Is it working for you this week? Is anything weird upset nous accumulating? This is a really great time to get ahead of the bullet. And when you're catching conflict is it's just being born just a little tiny fledgling. You're gonna find that that conflict is getting dealt with in, like, 10 20 minutes, maybe even three minutes sometimes, whereas otherwise, if you let it stay for a long time, it would take, you know, five weeks to resolve, and even then, would it really be result also really recommend building in weekly date nights, so weekly you know, day where maybe every week the other person is in charge. One week, one person chooses what you're doing. The next week, another person chooses, or you could just both mutually choose together. Whatever. It doesn't matter, as long as you're spending a couple hours every week just really connecting. So if you have any kids or roommates or whatever, it's ideally time with just you, too, so you could talk about you know, whatever it is that brought you together in the first place. It's really great to have those positive experiences with each other, because often relationships people less unless plan on purpose, time alone. And because of that, a lot of really important conversations that needed to happen or bonding that needs to happen. Things you can remember on a bad day. You're just not getting anymore, though. And now they're really important thing to consider is something called bids for connection . So you know, every time your partners like hey, look at that cute little dog. Hey, I just finished on assignment. Hey, pay attention. Me for some reason for a second, you know, whatever it is that is called a bid for connection, they're making a bid for your connection now in a healthy relationship, the ones that really last a long time. There's been a lot of relationship research, and it has found, especially the stuff. My doctor, John Gottman, is amazing. The research has found that in a healthy, sustainable relationship that is not likely to end in a divorce that you are catching about 70% of your partners bids for connection that each person's catching 70%. So that means, like, every time I'm like, Oh, hey, look at this funny thing I just saw or hey, I just had a thought that that person is turning towards not turning away, Turning away might look like Oh, yeah, I'll come later or oh, yeah, sure, sure. Versus turning towards our is more like, Oh, tell me more about it or Oh, my God, that's so funny or hey, yeah, I totally agree. That's so cool. And then let me build on that somehow, right, those air catching bids for connection. So me and my partner were both the purpose. So we work on this stuff a lot. And umm something that we found was helpful was telling each other when we're making a bid for connection, that really helped in learning about each other. We did that for a couple months, so I'd say, Hey, check out this cool thing I saw online, And if you didn't look away like if you could look towards really quickly, I would go, by the way, this is a bit for connection, and then he'd be like, Oh, shoot. Oh, yeah, Tell me more about this article, right? He'd see, Oh, this is important, right? And after that, we both just became a lot better at it. So now whenever we're doing it We're really catching at least at least 70% of each other's bids for connection. And it's fantastic. You feel heard. You feel seen. You feel like that person knows and gets you, and that's extremely important and last really important tip for If you're already in a relationship, watch out for Norm shaming one another. So norm shaming. I have talked about it a little before, but essentially it's going, you know, this is what normal people do. You should do this So like, Oh, like, if somebody's cold, you might say, Oh, well, everybody else is fine, like, just deal with it, right? That's norm shaving. Or if somebody needs a little bit of extra time this evening on their own, you may be like, Well, like you're always on your own, like I don't know Anybody else spends that much time on their own year again. Your norm, shame, you're saying just because other people do this, the way you're doing it is not normal. So be really, really careful that it's so subtle and it's incredibly painful. You know, when you have somebody that you feel like you know, knows you're should know you should get you. And then they're choosing to just totally dismiss your needs, your values, the things that are important to you. Because other people don't have them, like how abandoned and disconnected you feel it. It really impacts relationships. So what do you do if you're not in a relationship yet? Well, lucky you, you could build it properly right from the ground up. So one of my main suggestions already mentioned is really early into a relationship, like once you've decided that you're in a relationship, you really want to be together, I'd recommend get a couples counselor as soon as possible. I know it's not always affordable or accessible, but in case relevant, there some tips, like most towns have a sliding scale or really cheap therapy option, especially at any universities where they have a therapist training program. You can usually get counseling for only like five or $10. Session is also a lot of online counselling options that offer really, really cheaper free options, and sometimes even it's adequate. Having a friend who's totally unbiased just come in and and does it with you guys maybe once a week or whatever. For the first several months of your relationship and just talk to you about your relationship. It really has to be a friend, though that's not bias did not putting in their own you know things of how things should work because that will not go well. Another great tip for finding the right person is similar to what we talked about in the work round, kind of in the work unit, where it's like build your work life on purpose well similar for a relationship, you have to build a needs wants and not allowed list, Right? What do you need in a partner in a relationship? So you're sold is a shrivel, you know? What do you want with the icing on the cake for them to be like extremely good looking and like, just always love each other, like maybe that's I want. But maybe what you need is for them to at least be really attractive to you 60% of the time , I don't know like you really find, find those minimums in the needs and then the icing on the cake in the wants and then not allowed such as like they're just not allowed to hunt like that really turns me off. Hate that they're not left hunt or they're not allowed to smoke. But at least for 23 years, they haven't smoked or something like that. Like, have those values really clear to you. And then once you start dating, I really recommend online dating and speed dating for our populations. For people who have a d d. Because we're looking for something very unique and finding someone unique when you're just kind of going to bars and judging based on I don't know, you look cool and you look OK. Um, it's not really gonna work for us. We need people who have similar interests, similar values as we do and need a way to find them. So we're not wasting our time so often. Times online dating could be fantastic, like plenty of finish. OK, Cupid, um, and speed dating events. There's a lot of local speed dating events they go to in your city, where you can in five minutes, get answers to a lot of your questions. Check if they're on your needs, wants not allowed list. Do they want kids? Do they? I want to live in your town. Do you they want to travel around with you. Do they like watching TV every day before bed? Because that's what you do. You know, it's really important to figure out. Like, Are you guys even compatible in the first place? And also checking if they're willing to come to therapy like, just ask if you were in a relationship with me, would you go to couples counseling if I wanted to write? So then you're figure out if they're receptive, honestly, especially for people who are narrowed. Evers. I really encourage couples counseling way more than for narrow, typical people. You're just not gonna have that much in common with any partner. Even if you feel like you have so much in common, you're gonna have so many norms completely, not in common. And I always like to say, Don't buy a car if they won't go to a mechanic. So it's somebody who's really not willing to go to counseling. Um, that's gonna cause problems down the road if you guys are in a disagreement and they're not really receptive to any third person helping your kind of likely get stuck in a lot of situations. And once you have your list of needs wants and not allowed. Um, you could actually outsource the next step, which is essentially, you can even hire a personal assistant or get a friend or someone if you wanted to do this for you or do it yourself. We just totally valid. But essentially just set up a bunch of dates with people who meet your needs, wants or not allowed criteria that could be determined quickly online or whatever. And I reckon, and even just setting up dates like just like a bunch of dates all day long, like you even stay in one place and just have, like, half hour hour breaks between each date. I know that's crazy, and I have done it myself. I was a big part of me finding my husband, Matt, who is a therapist at the Centre. Andi. I mean, he's the best guy in the world for me, and we also did a lot of couples counseling into a lot of work on ourselves. But like Best Bond ever and a lot of the steps were thes. Another thing I really recommend is if you accumulate all these people to be dating, which I think is a really good idea to start with a bunch of options when you know you're really ready for me at that point, especially if you're looking for kind of a forever made someone toe, stay around, build your life with I recommend accumulating a bunch of contenders through the methods we just talked about and then for about a month and 1/2 or two months or whatever having them competed away. So I know that sounds crazy, but really, you want someone who's right for you. And in the first couple months of a relationship, everybody is always kind of faking who they are, and you're not really seeing how they are under pressure. So I recommend in those month and 1/2 or two months when you're dating several people, put them through uncomfortable situation, see how they deal with stress, have to meet your family and friends. I know that sounds really weird, but, um, research has shown that marriages that are set up by family or friends tend to actually have much higher levels of happiness in them. Um, not the first year, especially for arranged marriages there, still understanding how they feel about each other. But five years after that they are as happy as the first year of a couple that, you know, connected just three love that wasn't an arranged marriage. And within the next five years, their way happier than that love couple and then the next 10 years, their extra, extra super happier than that love based couple. Because the love based couples Now, incredibly, Mr Poem, I'm just on the average scope of a lot of relationships. So why is that? So a lot of the research seems to suggest that, you know, even though your parents or friends may not be the best in choosing someone fully ready for you, at least they're going to get it right A lot with values, people that fit into your community and essentially any time you're thinking of breaking up with each other, If your families and friends really like each other and feel like you should be together, they're gonna really encourage you together instead of every time the other person does. Something annoying, like you should just break up with them. They're stupid, so that can really help. So having family and friends be there while you're all passionate in the beginning of dating a lot of people with 80 year, just like so passionate. We get obsessed with other with the person we're dating, and it could. It could be just like too much, and we miss a lot of red flags. So at least of our family and friends, or they're a little bit more involved and tell them that you're testing out some candidates and that you're waiting, getting their input. They'll give you all those red flags, and it's been really helpful. So those are some tips on finding the partner. That's right, for you are making your relationship better. And so your experiment for this week is try at least one thing that we mentioned. If you're looking for a relationship, try one of the strategies for looking for a relationship like doing speed, dating or creating needs wants not allowed list or outsourcing it to a personal assistant or something, Um, or if you already with somebody, then you know, maybe having a State of the Union talk, maybe connecting at least once a week for a date. Something like that. So figuring up for yourself, what what is the next step and good luck with doing that? It is dark 11. Unit 10 Accountability & Next Steps: Well, you made it to the last week. So hopefully through all these units, you've got a chance to get to know your strengths, your weaknesses all about yourself, your a D as well as techniques to bring out your greatness. Now they're just a few steps left to steal in all your hard work and make sure it keeps paying dividends for years to come. Step one, Get a therapist or coach or both. If you haven't already. Therapists help you get rid of a lot of self sabotage. Relationship issues really help you get to know yourself and build a happy life. Coaches help a lot with accountability with, like practical, real life stuff and really helping you with day to day goals and habits. Figure out which ones right for you, and there's lots and lots of sliding scale options. Usually at most universities. They have discounted counseling for non students, so for the community. Or you can also look up sliding scale counseling or, ideally, finding a counselor in your area coach who specialize in 80 because a lot of people don't specialize often don't get it. So do your best with that. But if you can't find a therapist or coach. I really recommend support groups. It support groups. You get a chance to find other people who are really strange. You can totally understand your weird habits, and you don't have to explain your messy house mismatched and squarely ways to them. A great way to do that is just Googling HD support group and then your town's name. There's also a lot of online support groups such as this one. Support groups really keep you accountable to a lot of your goals and really decrease a lot of that self blame and self hatred that makes people really slow in making change. Step three signed up for nonviolent communication, anger management, conflict resolution courses, and the best way to do that is Googling what type of course you want in your town's name. There are also video courses on these types of topics at you to me dot com. Now why would I suggest to go out and do more courses? Well, one of the reasons is that all of our problems are usually caused by related Teoh or because of other people now in school. They teach us so many things we learn calculus we never use. We learn all the historical events, but we hardly really learn about people that we have to deal with every single day, and that really attribute to most of our happiness or sadness. When you learn how to really resolve conflict with others and help communicate your points in a way that you'll be understood, it really makes you way more persuasive and more likely to have full control of your life and people with a T. We're just not so great at the communication element. You know, we could get angry quickly. That's why there's anger management. Does a suggestion infested issue Have you weaken kind of not really think of the other person's perspective. We can communicate in a really aggressive way by accident, and there's a really great way to get around that, and you can learn those things in those courses. So I really recommend taking your life in your hands and learning all about people and had connect to them so that they care about your priorities, your needs, your preferences and so that you have a way to ask for them where they're likely to actually want to give it to you, especially in 80 because we need so many accommodations often get to work in a lot of people to get our needs met. It's extra important for us to really understand how to communicate what we're really trying to get across. I know for me when I did a lot of conflict resolution classes, I I mean, I've taken all these classes to really get to know myself, master myself and literally been night and days like now somebody could be just awful to me . And I know what to do to change their mood and to get the most of the time helping me and working together. That's like a superpower. Number four. Think about tasks you can outsource in your life. So research came out recently that showed that people who outsource their tasks were actually a lot more happier than people with the same income who weren't outsourcing. So we're talking like having a cleaning person, having somebody help with laundry. Having people mind your kids, having people will help you make calls having people look for you. So what we're saying is, even people making the same amount of money when they're using their money towards helping with things that they're just otherwise just staring at all day and thinking, Oh my gosh, if I could just do my laundry if I could just watch these dishes when you have an invisible disability, these things aren't luxuries. They're absolutely necessary accommodations. And even though the government isn't quite aware of that yet, so we're not getting funding for those services in a lot of parts of the world. It's still huge for quality of life, especially when you have a PhD. So, for example, for me, I have a cleaning person. Oh, my goodness, the time it saves. It's been so good for me and my husband's marriage because we're both pretty messy people. But we like things really clean because we both have a d. D. Right. So we have cleaning person comes in only every two weeks or so for several hours. The whole place is you get the whole makeover right, and then we can maintain that. But if there isn't someone coming in every couple weeks, we're always figuring out when should we clean this? How should we do that? And, you know, we start looking at each other like, maybe you should be doing it. No. Maybe you should be doing it. I think it's your turn. Right? So this has been working so well for us. Also other areas of my life. That outsourcing getting a receptionist. I'm a personal assistant. Someone actually. All I do is I talk to them every other day for about an hour and 1/2. We just brainstorm through and through things I don't know how to do or that I have to think through. We make calls that I'm putting off doing cause I really hate making calls reading emails. You know, we just get started on stuff and that really helps me up. Most of us spent amazing times of energy just blaming ourselves for not having the dopamine , the energy, the working memory to complete really important tasks. We just don't have it. And even though we're taught, you have to learn to do everything yourself for people with a D D. That doesn't work great. It's really like we're doing our laundry today. We're like building a rocket ship. We're doing our dishes or we're going to do well in that exam. It's often one or the other right and that myth that all these tasks are just simple. I have their big dirty lies because for us, they're not simple. Make it really simple for us to create herbal poem or write a beautiful song. But it might take 20 times the effort to put away our clothes when we take him off or close the Cabinet doors. So your last experiment is to choose one of the things we just talked about. You can get a therapist or coach join a support group for people with a D D signed up for some sort. Of course, that really benefits yourself to keep growing or think about outsourcing some tasks to really improve your quality of life. Is the fighting your way of asking me for a dog walker? If you'd like to continue journey around eight HD past this video course, I really recommend joining our HD members left. Our lab includes hundreds of videos, radio shows, articles, exercises, books, etcetera, really showing you how to design your life when you have a D D. There's even a monthly Q and A totally fired into you or over the phone or in person. You can connect to the 18 Asperger Center where we have practitioners to help you with all these things and all that. Practitioners have a duty themselves, even this one. This is actually Dr Barclay, our therapy dog. He sits in sessions with clients and helps them feel better. I wish you the best of luck on your journey moving forwards with 80 HD and hope you're not wise enough to predominately take luck out of the equation and go design HD life. You deserve deserving arkels. Do you can design your eighties you like so you know that you can yeah.