7 powerful parenting tools to manage tantrums & meltdowns | Galina Kalinina | Skillshare

7 powerful parenting tools to manage tantrums & meltdowns

Galina Kalinina, Parenting Coach & Mentor

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22 Lessons (58m) View My Notes
    • 1. Welcome to ParentUp Course!

      2:59
    • 2. What is Emotional Literacy?

      2:06
    • 3. Tool #1 Left Brain + Right Brain = Whole Brain

      4:46
    • 4. Step 1: Connect

      4:48
    • 5. Step 2: Redirect

      3:37
    • 6. How to Use Tool #1

      1:50
    • 7. Tool #2: Feel the Feeling

      3:07
    • 8. How to Use Tool #2

      1:16
    • 9. Tool #3: Feeling-ometer

      3:18
    • 10. How big is your fear?

      3:48
    • 11. Can you guess what voice face it is 130520

      1:25
    • 12. How to Use Tool #3

      1:55
    • 13. Tool #4: Very important to you.....

      4:40
    • 14. How to Use Tool #4

      2:37
    • 15. Tool #5: The Talking Hand

      1:29
    • 16. How to Use Tool #5

      1:21
    • 17. Tool #6: How to Use Tool

      3:13
    • 18. How to Use Tool #6

      2:30
    • 19. Tool 7: 3 Types of Voices and Faces

      1:59
    • 20. Be Assertive, Not Mean

      3:01
    • 21. Tell, Do Not Yell

      1:25
    • 22. How to Use Tool #7

      1:18

About This Class

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A mini course to unlock powerful parenting strategies.

 

This is what will be different in your life by the end of this mini-course:

· You'll understand your kids' feelings

· You'll allow them to feel what they feel

· You'll start using the conscious parenting approach

· You'll teach your kids how NOT to suppress or hide their feelings

· You'll make them feel safe to share their emotions

· You'll stop or say less "No, Don't..."

· You'll raise a respectful child

Transcripts

1. Welcome to ParentUp Course!: Oh, I need this one. And this one. I need to borrow these two things. No, Put it back. We were moved by this things. You don't need them. Let's go. Does this start resonate with you? Are there any other situations in your life where your child acts out? Was a big emotional wave that you don't know how to manage controls. Behaving in the mean, rude, aggressive way Yellen eaten Kicking your name is any situation where you simply don't understand your child or any other situation where he behaves well, says something that may look urological, irresponsible, unreasonable to you. What I mentioned over here, it's pretty much a daily reality off thousands and millions of parents in this world. It's something that we start considering as a gnome, and this comes and goes. But there's one big but heavy ever wonders what your child fails himself after each events . Have you ever wondered what your child might be concluding? After all those situations, every ever wondered how your child sees and hears what you do and what you say as of parents. And what is the long term impact of that? Because of our more than and hectic lifestyle. Lots of parents don't take a pause and look at things through their eyes off their kids. And that's understandable. More than parents are doing their best to manage the pressure or work life, house, kids and many other things. But in the meantime, this is what's happening inside the kids and their brains. I had the big plan, and it was so important for me. I wanted to write a letter for my friends, but nobody nobody asked me what I wanted to go with. That envelope and the clips. Nobody wants us to understand me. And here, boaters what I once and what I have to say is not important. I am not important to my parents if you want to prevent your child from concluding such things, or if you would like to have a better connection with your kids when you leave in your hectic life, when you elect to have easy and quick tools to implement that soldier immediate showed some struggles and at the same time, the same pools will allow you to develop long term child's resiliency in these seven parents and tools to develop emotional literacy off for you Hi, I'm Karena. I'm this Baldauf parent up, and I'm a parents and coach, and I will be your instructor in this course, so let's get started. 2. What is Emotional Literacy?: What is emotional literacy? Is the ability of a person to identify simple and complex emotions in themselves and other people. In other words, is so fins and self-awareness and empathy. How does it work for kids? Self-awareness is the ability of a child. So listen to the body sensations and connect them to the emotions that they might be experiencing. And that moment, naming those emotions and feelings and processing and expressing those emotions in the conscious and constructive, productive manner. The empathy is the ability of a child to read other people's emotions, CAN nor is the other person's tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and decode the messages that are sent in through this communication channels. And of course, it's the ability of a child to respond on other person's emotions productively. Emotional literacy is like learning a language, a language of emotions. We don't have this by default when we're born. It's a learned skill. It's a learned behavior that makes a tremendous difference in the lives of adults and children. Emotions are a huge part of our lives. A lot of the time, actions and behaviors are largely determined by how we fail without snow. Unfortunately, that a lot of old behaviors are driven by emotions. Not we drive our emotions, but emotions drive us, which leads to us making poor choices and unconscious decisions that we in the ants regrets. You have a chance and opportunity to change this relative where your kids, by teaching them about emotional literacy in their early years. The earlier you start, the better it will be. I m in the writes an every parent's. So invest that Simon efforts and learning how to teach your kids emotional literacy. 3. Tool #1 Left Brain + Right Brain = Whole Brain: Connect and redirect. This framework was created by Ben Siegel. And when us that working with parents, I explained to them that they should look at this framework as a parenting ABC. Something they should learn as a must and apply with their kids full heartedly. You see, when we become parents and when was that face and our first challenges with kids, we often don't have strategies and how to handle them. When we're in the heat of the moment and when we see our kids have in hot times, what we usually do is we default to something that we have learned from our parents, which in fact could be outdated and harmful for our kids long-term. Connect and redirect is one of those tools and strategies that proves to be effective even in the most challenging situations and the cases with your kids, whether those could be tantrums or with situations when your kids are taken by massive emotional waves. And this framework is based on the basic understanding of how the brain works and how it operates inside of our kids. Let me introduce you to the brain. Why? Because it is important for every parent to understand what happens inside the child's brain. The brain has two sides. Left hemisphere and right hemisphere. Both helped people to process everything that happens in run them and with them. But from different angles. The left brain processes by giving people words, logic, and order. The right brain processes by applying that big picture view and add an emotional context to experiences. You want your children to be able to integrate both modes of processing as much as possible. The left brain is all about logic, reasoning, organizing, planning. It's detailed oriented, focuses on processing and creating structure. The right brain operates with emotions. It's able to sense information from the body. It puts things into context and sees the whole picture is creative and uses imagination. It's empathetic. When parents in a child, you don't want her to grow with only left-brain perspective or only right-brain prospective. One produces a person with emotional coldness and the other one with emotional stones. You might have heard other people send something about others or his soul. Left brain sided. Oh, she is so right-brain sided. They're wants to say is that he so emotionally cold or she's so emotional, explosive. Neither of those things by itself is great long-term. When you raise a child, you want to make sure that both parts of the brain are balanced. They're integrated, and they form what we call a whole brain. The beauty of Ben seagulls framework is in the fact that it helps the parents to reach the two goals, short-term and long-term. The short-term goal is give the child is calm and quiet state of their mind. And the second one is teaching them how to develop an integrated brain. In this framework will look at the brain structure, left and the right brain. And we apply two steps. Step number one connects to the right brain. And step number two re-direct with a left-brain. Why this tool is saw importance. This tool explains and teachers, parents the reasons why we are so different compared to our kids and why we move from timestep times clash. The parents will spend most of our time in the left part of our brain. We want to have logic, structure and explanations. But our kids, especially in little ones between the age of 0 to six, they spend most of their time in the right part of their brain, which is all about the emotions. As they grow older, they start traveling a little bit more frequently and spend more time in the left part of the brain. But this still spent entire time in the emotions world. So when our kids have hard times when they're in the tantrum, we typically approach them from the logical part of the brain. But the kids don't heroes because this peak a totally different language, the language of emotions and what the stall connect and rhetoric does. It helps the parents to start speaking the same language with their kids and connect to them effectively. 4. Step 1: Connect: Step one connects. These step starts from connecting to the right side of the child's brain. When there have been HOT time and when they in the middle of the tantrum, they are in the right side of the brain. And you, as a parents, what we usually do, we approach them from the left side of the brain, but they don't hear us because we do not speak the same language that the moments and the step one, connecting to the right part of the brain is allowing you to start speaking the language of emotions. How do you do that is by acknowledging what your child feels in this moment. There is one very simple and very effective way of how to acknowledge the emotions of your kids. So you know, Siri, sera that you have on your iPhone BY HER. What does it mean? So for example, if you miss your turn, she usually tell you, she doesn't sailor, Hey, what are you doing? You just miss your turn. She will tell us something in the very calm and pathetic, non-judgmental, non-critical voice, if possible, make a U-turn. So in order for you to acknowledge the child's feelings and emotions, be Siri be hurt, non-judgmental, and just state which you see without any judgments or criticisms. For example, I see you want to take a turn on this bike. You ask for a turn, but the other kid is not in the mood, so share. It sounds like your fear and feeling very upset. Or you just build this huge duplicate tower. You sister knocked it off. It sounds like you're feeling very angry. I would like to make a little note over here. When you kids a little, it is a very good idea for you to really pronounce and spell it out for them what emotion they might be feeling in the moment, because it allows them to create their vocabulary and awareness. But as you kids grow older, they might sell, getting frustrated about the effect that you name the feelings for them, which you shouldn't do. Instead, here is actually asked them a question. What do you feel or what feeling are you feeling in this moment? For example, I will use the same story as the loop block. You just built a duplicate tower and you system knocked it off. What are you feeling right now? This way, the children will give him the name of their feeling because they already have a larger vocabulary to say what they feel. Let me give you a bunch of other tips and how to connect to your child effectively. One of my favorite sentences or phrases and how to connect to the kids is this. It looks like you are having hard times. Would you like to take a deep breath or would you like mama to give you a hug? There is a couple of other things that I would like to mention here. Our communication consists of three elements. Sand percent is about the words, but what we say, 30% is about our tone of voice. It's about how we say what we say. And the rest, 60% is about our body language and their facial expressions. So when you connect to your child, don't only think about what you say, but also think about how you say what you say. And there are a couple of particular elements that I would like you to become aware and change something perhaps in the way how you connect to your kid's. First of all, everything you are doing at that moment and allow yourself and the child's would be so together BY patients. If you're in the middle of doing something in the kitchen, just put it down, come over and be with your kids. Physical touch. Give your child a hawk. Gently, Gropius, hands or arms, facial expressions. Make sure that you face is not tense or looks like it's Phyton face. It needs to be tender and relaxed. I contact. This one is very important to look into the eyes on the same level as your child. Will often look down at them because we're at all right. We're parents. What I suggest to the parents is go on the same level as your kids. Just go on your knees and look straight into their eyes. Ask a child to look into your ISO tone of the voice. Makes sure that suffering and it's very understanding and kind empathy make your child feel understood and felt. Show your child that you really minutes. So connect with him. Now that we have covered the first step of connecting, read the rec tool, let's go straight on to the next step. Redirect. 5. Step 2: Redirect: Step two, redirects. This part of the process is all about shifting your child from the right part of the brain and emotional brain into the left side of the brain that is responsible for logic and problem solving. And use a parent can play a very important part in helping your child to learn how to look at every single experiences as opportunities to develop and integrate the brain. Do not rush. If you see your child is still in the right part of the brain when they still emotional, not push them to go into the redirect face, give them the time and the space. Usually you can see it in an instant when the shift from the right to the left side of the brain, it's like a switch. It just goes like this. You can see their face and the body. It relaxes, it becomes less dense. They face and the eyes called brighter. You can really see and feel it when they are ready. Sometimes, if you're not sure, you can even ask them this question, Are you ready to talk about what has just happened? Look at this step as everything about learning. This is the right time to ask powerful questions that will trigger three things inside of your kids. The first one is reflect. Allow your child to reflect on what they have just done, on their behavior, how it impact of others, and how the child feels about the situation himself. He can ask simple questions like this. How do you feel about this situation? How do you think are the people who were involves minded fill in right now? And what do you think would happen to other people as a result of your actions? You want to make sure that while you have in this reflection moments, your child doesn't end up feeling like you're saying no to the child. You wanna make sure that you saying no to the behavior. What I mean by this is pay attention to whether you're using adjectives that will be focused on the child identity or on the verbs or the child's behaviors. Simply, don't sell your child. You are not seeing your mean your rules. You want to say something different. What you did was mean, you will behave in, in the Nazi way. You words were roots. Second thing is riddle. Ask your child what they cancel some redo the situation and tried out together. You can just say, let's redo it again. To give an example here. My son, occasionally when the person buying just dropping a tissue on the floor instead of into the garbage bin? What I would usually say, I see that tissue on the flaw. Could you please redo it again? Every time you have a conversation with your child, ask yourself a simple question. What is my child concluding after us having this conversation? What is the child's Helen himself after he walks away? After we had this conversation. The reason why you would like to ask yourself those questions is because he wants to ensure that you child forms the right meanings and health and beliefs that will be driving him through the course of his life. Here are a few things that you can ask your child over here. What is the learning opportunity from this situation? What did you just learn and take away for yourself from here? Or what would you like to do differently next time, the same thing happens to you. 6. How to Use Tool #1: If you don't know how to handle any of the issues below, connect and redirect can become something for you to consider. Tantrums. Child doesn't obey. Sibling rivalry, aggressive and violent attitude, complaining and whining, shy and lack of confidence, biting, hitting, kicking, interrupting, busyness. The child is not listening, yelling, been annoying and noxious, mean, rude or disrespectful, and so on. It is a long list that this tool can tackle. The breadth and the depth of its application is anonymous. If I were to summarize all of these situations in one sentence, I would say that this tool is used to fall for any occasion when your child is taken over by the big emotional wave. One thing that you need to train yourself as a parent is start taking perspectives. Looking at the situation not only through the lens of your own eyes, but also for the lens and the eyes of your child. For example, the behavior that we see, the child is crying. What we might be seen and thinking what he gets upset or balls. What he says doesn't make any sense. He is old enough to act rationally and hold the logical conversation. I don't get it. Why is he like this? What the Charles really trying to communicate here. I'm having a hard time and I need help. So any situation when you don't know how to support your child, when he's having a hard time. You know that connect first is your way to go and then redirects. 7. Tool #2: Feel the Feeling: Feel the feeling. This is another very powerful tool that you can add, NC Emotional Mastery Toolkit. Do you wanna just feel the feeling? Or do you wanna talk about what can be done? This is the way how you ask this question to your kids. Every feeling and every motion is a signal, just like your car that has the signals on the dashboards. And something is not right, something has happened inside of your car. It runs out of petrol or oil. What they usually do, just pull over to the petrol station, also the repair shop and get it fixed. You attend to the needs of the car to continue the journey. That's exactly the same purpose our feelings and emotions have in our lives. And it is so important for you as a parent to teach your kids, to read those messages, understand them, and act upon them. There are typically two types of messages that our feelings and emotions brings to us. Message number one is to allow yourself to feel this feeling until it dissipates. I call this feel the feeling. And the second type of messages where they call for action when something needs to be done or somebody is to be followed up after you experienced this emotion. For example, anger when you feel mad about something or somebody. It means that your boundaries have been violated and Inuits restore them successfully. I have a very little story to share with you to demonstrate how this tool works in practice. A couple of months ago, my family decided to make a short weekend getaway. We were supposed to pick my son from school and be very efficient, changing our close back in our suit, guessing go into the airports. But I made a big mistake. I forgot to tell him about that. When he was big home, he saw was moving very fast and he was very confused because he couldn't understand why and what was going on. So he started having a massive tantrum, shouting and screaming and crying sin. And thus, I don't want to go. And I was taken over by massive fear, fear of missing the plane. And I thought, oh my god, that's the last thing. And I once in the planet, I had to take a deep breath, allow myself to experience this feeling of fear and then connect. So my child and I asked him at the moments, do you want to just feel the feeling? What do you wanna talk about, what we can do? And he said, no, I just want to feel the feeling. I said that's great. We've got the taxi went in for us downstairs. How boards? I will pick you up and now will carry you. You will continue feeling you feeling. And when we're in a taxi, when you read it, so it's OK. We can talk canola through the tiers and said, yes, I would like to feel the feeling. So we went downstairs, gotten so the car luckily, when never miss the plant and we had the beautiful weekends together as a family. 8. How to Use Tool #2: If I were to summarize all the options and scenarios where you might end up using this tool. You'll probably be about getting your child to cooperate, to get the child to do something he might not necessarily want to do, but something that needs to be done anyway. As especially these two will be handling When you are under a time pressure. In order to understand how to use this tool, you as a parent needs to learn a simple fact that not every emotion needs an action. Some i here too, just to be felt. Too often, we rush to rescue our kids, fixes, saw things for them from the feeling of sadness, anger, guilt, and et cetera. By doing this will rob them from the opportunity to learn how to be resilient. So if you worry that you might be helping so much, again, this tool might be exactly for you. And last but not the least, if you have parents who wants to stay cool when you're not feeling cool, feel the feeling tool could be just what you need to ask yourself a question. What do I feel and what do I want to do with this feeling? To feel it or do something? 9. Tool #3: Feeling-ometer: Feeling ohmmeter, or how big is your emotion? Why is this tool saw importance? You see an our life. One of the emotions that we experience very often is either anger or madness. And when we don't feel those emotions, there are two possible scenarios how the situation might develop. One is where the emotion and the feeling completely takes control over us. And second scenario, as we'll wait, say control of that emotion. In the first scenario, we stop being conscious and presence and were started making poor choices and the poor decisions, we'll start acting and behaving in the way that we will layer one regrets with a second scenario, it's completely different. We're aware of what we feel. We're aware the degree and intensity of that fill in. And we can choose what to feel and how to behave in the moments of that emotion. So if you as a parent can tissue kids to understand what they feel and at the same time know that degree of this video, you will be able to give them a very powerful tool to use for the rest of their lives. How's he used this tool? Most likely you will find that this tool is very useful when it comes to the feelings of anger and madness. You still can use this emotion with very positive feelings like happiness and joy. But something salesman, most likely I will be using it with Madison anger. So what you can do is you can teach your kids that there are three degrees of feeling this emotion. He can ask them, how big is your emotion? Is it small, is it medium, or is a bag? And your child will tell in that moment the size of that emotion. If you're very artistic and would like to do something very creative, which you can do is actually create a very huge giant size filling ohmmeter and limited home just to round so the child can come over and just point out exactly the level and the degree of their emotion. Or you can just download one of all resources from this course printed out, handed somewhere in the wall at home. And again, ask your child, so show you how big that emotion in the moments. There is something extra that you can teach your kids using this tool. You can explain to them when they emotion is very small, it's very likely they will be still able to use the token face, talking voice and help in words. But when the intensity of the emotions envelops and it gets very big, they will most likely will opt into choosing their fighting voice and fighting words. So in this considerations, you can step in and culture child, would you feel is that the anger feeling? How big is it? Is a big is it small? Is it medium? What can I do right here, right now? So make you feel better. What can I as apparent change to make you feel better? 10. How big is your fear?: a couple of months ago, my son seriously hurt his leg muscle after sitting on that's neck, but so long and so uncomfortably we live very long. Stroll in the park. He got very tired, couldn't walk anymore and asked to be carried on the neck. Had lots of pending his right leg and he started limping. They spent a whole day in the bed and he looked very miserable. When we asked him to try and step on his food, he became very sensitive. He started crime and say, No, no, no. I've never seen him like this before And I felt something big was going on, but I couldn't figure out what it waas I knew I needed to connect and resurrect. And the herbs you some of the other emotional literacy settles It happens to be How big is your emotion? Here is what happened next to how much pain do you feel in your leg? A lot. Oh, so much. How much is it? Is a small medium or big pain. It is a big pain. I see. What do you feel about the pain? I feel scared. So when we ask you to try and walk. You started feeding secured because you're worried that the pain will come back. Is that correct? Yes. And I so don't want to feel the pain. And I'm feeling so scared. I can so understand what you're saying. Do you know how we call this emotion? Thesis The fear your feeling, How big is your fear? It's like these big and he shows with his arms widespread. Oh, and how biggest team compared to the fear teams like this very tiny. And he shows using his small fingers very small size. Wow! Looks like the fear so much bigger than you are. No wonder that you're feeling scared to try make steps. Yes, Mom. I'm so scared to even try to walk because I know I will feel the pain. I can so hear and feel your team. When the fear is bigger than you are. It is hard to do anything he started noting he reached out for very big hog and comfort. Do you know what I also feel the fear once in a while fear is a very special emotion. It keeps you safe and protects it. But it can also limit you from making progress and doing what you want. What do you want to do with your fear? I want my fear to go away, but I don't know how to Do you know what is one thing that the fear is afraid off? No. What is it? It is action and its most scared or what I called baby steps. If you make small, small baby steps one by 11 after another, the fear shrinks. Would you like to give you the try? Yes. My son looked very cures and puzzled. He got up and started taking very slow and small steps holding very tight. How is your fans? Win, he said. So there? Yes, but is getting smaller. Oh, that is great to hear. Can you show me now how big it is and how big you are compared to the fear? And my son showed that he size was much bigger now and that the fear was getting smaller. His face looked brighter and relieved 11. Can you guess what voice face it is 130520: Let's talk about the differences between talking serious fighting, voice and the face. Imagine Big Giant stairs with three steps. The first step is the talkin face and talking voice. The middle step is the serious voice and the serious face and right at the top you've got there fighting voice and fighting face the high and go in the stairs. The more escalated the situation and your action becomes. So let's see, step by step what each of those voices and faces, man and how the actually look like in real life. Talking voice is relaxed and quiet. Talkin face is smiling with wide open eyes. Serious voices, slow stretch speech. The communicates that your message is important. Serious face has big, wide eyes that communicate, which you are saying is important. Frightened voice is loud and abrupt. Frightened face, ISP inched, mean and scary. Can you guess from the next examples What kind of voice and face that is 12. How to Use Tool #3: If you want to start educating your child and both the emotions or help him to understand and process them better. But you don't know how to stop that conversation. These tool might be an excellent one for you. When you use this tool, you will soon realize one remarkable thing. Often Charles voice and the body language will suggest that they have a massive emotion. But when you ask them, how big is it, you will be surprised to hear that it's not a big one, but medium or even sometimes small. Hence, asking this question is like a conversation starter for all parents when they don't know exactly how to begin the conversation about the feelings. Let me break down some of the ways how you can use this tool. You can use this question to ask about feelings like hunger or hertz. If you want to check in with your child about the hunger, most likely medium and the big Congo will be an indication that they might be heading towards and melt down and he needs to give them the food. Or you can ask, how big is your feeling about the fear? I personally love to combine this question with a comparison. So how big IU compared to your fear? You as a parent could get the sense of a scale. Excitement or happiness is dependent on child's temperament. They could be shown the excitement differently compared to what the parent might expect. Either get the present, you haven't impression there might not be happy about it though. Do they say that they do? He can ask them how big is your happiness right now? And you might be surprised to hear that they're very happy. Anger on madness. This is where you will probably use this a lot at home, on the playground with friends, siblings, anybody. This tool is very versatile and has lots of applications. 13. Tool #4: Very important to you.....: Let's have a look at our next communication strategy. It sounds like it's very important for you, could sell me more. You can use these communication strategy with anybody, not only with your kids. And I will share a little story that will demonstrate what kind of superpowers ET has. We were in the supermarket. I have my son looked like he was having a lot of fun. He got stuck in front of their shelves full of stationery. And he's got a grim and all the things say that he needs them all. So it looked like he had a very big plan. He grabbed the back of envelopes, then a pack of paperclips, and was just the boats and drop that into the shopping basket. My husband. And use this very serious voice to say, no, Timothy, you don't need them. He grabbed them out of his hands and put them back into the shells. So my son no longer look happy or excited. Or on the contrary, it looked very sad, disappointed, and confused. I felt like I needed to step in and save the situation. Hey, it looks like these envelopes and paperclips are very important for you? Yes, they are. I c can you tell me what kind of plan you had in mind? What did you want to do with them? I wanted to write a letter to my best friend and Senator Herbert coast. It is very important to have envelopes. If he wants to write somebody a letter. What about the paperclips? What did you want to do with them? I haven't figured out yet, but they all look something I can play school and pretend to be a teacher. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun. Can I play with you when we are back home? Yes. Mom, can I make a suggestion? Yes. I would love to know. I think I have seen a box of paper clips in that office. And we might still have some envelopes in the same drawer before we buy anything. You shall we check in the drawing. Is that okay with you? Yes. Let's check home. See MFI put his items back on the shelf and we continued our shopping. What exactly does this phrase don't. While it does a couple of things before I explain what it does, let me explain you. One of the main reasons why parents and kids clash. Because parents are coming from the lowest mindset and the kids are living their lives in the learner's mindset. What is the difference? The parents know a mindset is based on knowing everything. And our children usually look up to us like the only people in the planet that seemed to know everything. The child's learning mindset is very curious. It's about exploring and our kids look at everything in the world and bring new. They've never seen this before. Their soap positive, excited, energized, and intuitive. By design, the noaa mindset is very structured. It's very dull. It's full of discipline. And that's exactly why we clash with our kids. And also by design, the learner mindset of our kids as good nor bad intentions. It doesn't have any bad thoughts or meetings or any ideas of manipulation like hot of barons may suspect that kids have, they don't have it from the learner mindset point of view. So what this tool, that communication tools does, it actually builds the bridge between their learner mindset and the mindset. And you as a parent, you connect to the learner mindset without diminishing and disregard in your child's ideas. So in the story that I've just shared with you before, my husband was the knower mindset, and when I stepped into the story, i was the learner mindset. It's like in the swim. So if you imagine your child Islam learner and you're the noaa, the moment you apply your normal position, humans legato, the top of this when you don't want to stay there all the time, what you want us to be on par with your child will allow your child to go up. Because when you are up, you are empowered, you're inspired, your very positive. But the moment the parent takes the knower mindset, Yorkshire looking down to your child and you diminish in him. You don't really want to have this all the time with your children. 14. How to Use Tool #4: If you want to stop policing you kids all the time. If you want to stop saying, no, don't you can't have it's your child. If you don't know how to react when you Charles says or does something that looks to you, unreasonable, illogical, irrational. And you just don't want to continue dismissing him. If you find a challenge, it stay firm and not give in when your child is asking to buy different stuff in the shop. If you kid is complaining and whining and you don't know how to stop it. And if you child is at the stage where he says, I want to do everything by myself. And you didn't know how to respond when he wants to do something dangerous. These two might be an excellent one for you to introduce and use with your kids. What I mentioned above are not the only scenarios where you can apply this tool, but just some suggestions. You'll most likely find some of the other areas where it will work well, because this is all about validating your child. A lot of things that looked AS parents, as normal or small, could be giant and massive for our kids. And you don't want to ignore this fact. Say could Charles perspective by not dismissing it, by acknowledging that it is important for them and you're making them feel, felt and understood. By doing this. This tool is also handy for those parents who find the kids at the stage. I want to do everything by myself. If it is a safe experience, like during the laces, you could say like this. It looks like it's very important to you. So do the laces by yourself. These will serve as an encouragement and we'll build Charles confidence and esteem. If it is a riskier, dangerous one, like using a knife when iron. These still can become an excellent way to first of all, validate what the ones to be independent. And then this tool will allow you to move to setting the boundaries and explain why it is. And no. For example, it sounds like you want to try out new things that adults do. And it sounds like it is very important for you to try how to iron. But I will have to say no to this because Ahrens could be very dangerous. They are hot. You can burn yourself. What we can do right now is either make one same iron from legal or choose something that looks like an island. And we can pretend and play the game with it. 15. Tool #5: The Talking Hand: Talk in hand. Let's get started with the next fall. When somebody grabs something from you, you have a natural instinct to grab it back. But grabbing something bag is unkind and impolite. We call it a fight. Manhattan's. Also, you send a message with your Beida language given back to me or else there is by far more powerful and kind of weights requests something back. And we call this a torque and hence a token hand is a very powerful communication strategy that allows the kids to be polite, kind, and at the same time, assertive. This is how it works. If the teach your child to use their pum, awesome to openness and use their finger pointed backends. So their hand and say, Please give it back or please put it back into my hands. This is the way how you can teach your kids to be kind to each other. When very important tip over here. Don't get to discourage. If after trying at once, you don't say immediate impacts, the store requires reinforcements. I typically have seen the kids and the parents getting started to utilize this store on full capacity after approximately at sorts of four weeks. Just be consistent and continue reinforcing this message to your kids. And you will see magical power of using this tool. 16. How to Use Tool #5: There are two implications for this toll, for the grabber and the groupby. How I'm not even sure if these red exist. But basically, it's for the child who grabs and the child who lose a stains from his hands. First application. The stool is great for shy kids of those who don't know yet how to assert themselves when they're at home or in the playground or at school with siblings who are the kids. It works when they are around somebody who shows the size of busyness and with highly dominant or aggressive in the place and grabs the things from keeps hand without their permission. And the second application, and for the kids who could be the bossy or the dominant ones, when somebody else, Griffin's from them, they turn to heaven. Aggressive attitude and GREP style with force. In short, if you want to teach your child to handle situations that involve any sort of grabbing things or second things with force without permission. These two 0s for you. You can also use this tool as a parent, if the child grip something from your hands, like a phone, remote control, something else. When he thinks something without your permission. Here you can combine talking hands and the Siri's voice to set the boundary in kind but firm way. 17. Tool #6: How to Use Tool: Help him worse is Our next strategy to unpack. In the previous video, we have learned that our communication consists of three elements. 10% of our communication is above our words. The choice of our words. And the words could either be helping forwards or fightin words. And if you as a parent know that difference, you can teach your kids and bought exactly the same as when you do. You give them a beautiful gift that they will carry for the rest of their lives. The gift of allowing the children to be mindful and present in the moments when they're very angry and frustrated. Mindful to choose the right words that not going to be mean or hurt other people. And remind you that words zoom matter. And single word is. And the gene. And kids, when they're still very little, especially between 0 to six years, they absorb all the energy like sponges. So you, as a parent, you want to ensure that they get so absorbed the most positive energy that courts out there. How to use this tool. You can explain to your kids that when they feel angry or mad, there very often will default to using Phyton words, fightin words, hurt other people, and when he heard other people, you start behave in me. You can also teach your kids that it's okay to feel angry. It's okay. It's a Field map, but it's not okay to be mean. And this is where the help and words will become your friends. So for example, if a here child's sane, go away, it will be a signal for you that they use in fightin words. They don't know any other ways to express it. What they're trying to say is, I want to be alone or please leave me alone. And this is where you can step in and help them to know how to phrase it differently. You can say something like this. Oops, I'm hearing fightin words. So let's redo it again using help in words. This piece that I just ended up in the sentence is also very important and very powerful. Let's redo it again. Is teaching your kids that there is no mistake and their life is just on the learners and the opportunities to do things differently. I will repeat the whole structure will not sign. Oops, I'm hearing fighting words. Let's run through it again using help him words. Some are the examples where you can use this strategy with your kids. Could be, how do you feel when using fightin words? How did you feel when somebody is using helping words with you? If you ask these two questions, you allow your child to reflect what they have just experienced from other person, what they have just experienced themselves when they had been using fightin words and expense, their awareness and how it makes themselves feel. And other people when the Phyton and help him worse really happen. 18. How to Use Tool #6: If you notice that your child is using language that is mean, rude and it hurts people when they're feeling angry. You will find this tool very effective. You will need to train yourself to see the difference between what you see your child doing and what the child is actually trying to communicate. Here is what I mean by this. You ask your child to switch off the TV and the child sitting on the sofa starts yelling, I hate you would use a parent might see in this behavior. Oh, he's so disrespectful. He needs to stop saying this harsh things to me. Maybe not CV for him as a punishment, that will teach him a lesson. What is really being communicated in this behavior? I feel incredibly angry at him. You just asked me to stop doing something I really enjoy. You hurt me and I will hurt your back. Ionians skill building when it comes to my anger management, The purpose of saying Haidt Easter hurt you back because he just did or said something as apparent that hurts the child and there weren't hurt your bag. What you need to do in this situation is to explain that the word Haidt hurts people. I know sometimes you might feel like you hate me when I asked you to switch off the TV and go to bed, especially when you were watching your favorite program. The word hate is a fighting words and it hurts me. Can you use your helping word instead? So tell me how you feel. And here's a second scenario and example. The behavior that you might be seen as following. The child says, I don't want to do my homework, leave me along and shuts the door to the room with you as a parent might be. Think in this moment. Not again, she's so lazy and she only wants to do the things that she likes. What is really being communicated here is this sacred Charles perspective. Take a look at the situation through her lenses. The words limit alone and auto wants to do the homework or just the coats. This signals that will tell you exactly how the child related fields, what they're sending you a message is that they are looking for connection. They want to feel safe. And if the Charles is out of one. And so my homework, they might actually mean, I feel unsure of myself. I don't think I can do it right. I'm afraid I will fail again. 19. Tool 7: 3 Types of Voices and Faces: Let's unpack the next series of communication and emotional strategies for your kids. Talk and face and talking voice, serious voice and serious face, Phyton voice and fighting face. These thoughts are extremely powerful because they teach your kids. So very important aspects. First, they will be learning how they can continue feeling mad and angry, but at the same time, remain come positive and helpful without being mean. And second aspect is when they can stand up for themselves and be assertive. These tools are my favorites and they're extremely important. And here's the reason why. You see our communication is not that simple. It consists of three elements. Element one is our words, and it accounts for 10% of our actual communication. 30% of it is about our tone of voice. How we say what we say. 60% is above our body language, our fees, and the actual body movements. So you see 90% of what we and how they communicate actually has nothing to do with our words. These are non-verbal clues. So if you're teaching your child early on, you given the very special gift for them to be able to become aware of how the field and what the ST in the moments. And also be able to read other people's Biden languages and science. A lot of kids, well, technically speaking a lot of it does, don't really know how to accurately read someone's body language and the voice. Very often human perceive somebody being Mozi on grumpy or angry, while in fact there might be simply tired. So being able to accurately assess and identify what the person is fit and is going to be extremely helpful for your kids. 20. Be Assertive, Not Mean: A second way of using these tools is about Khorasan assertiveness. Have you ever noticed your child using relax them, come body and talking voice to request another child or sibling stop doing something that didn't like and that are the child did not respect and continue doing it. These are the moments where the token voice and token phase should turn into the seriousness without being mean. Let's take an example. Let's say your child is been pinched by another one and your child has been using the token was to say stop it. I don't like it and I'm being hertz. Usually the situation can go two ways. If the child doesn't stop and doesn't respect the request, your child might go into the fight and modes, use the fighting voice and the fighting phase and the words and say something like this. If I told you to stop it. Or the second possible scenario could be that your child will just step aside and do nothing else. This is exactly where you can step in as a parents to introduce serious voice and serious face and expensive your child, that you can say something that is very important to you using your voice and the face. This is how you can teach your child to use a serious voice in the face to get another kid to stop pinching him. First attempt stopped pinching me, replace the second and them. I'm asking a nicely to stop pinching me. The third of them. I have asked you why is nicely to stop patient Mmm, Please. I'm gonna use my Siri's voice and ask you again to stop doing it and the forfeit them. I've asked you three times nicely to stop doing ads. I didn't like it. Am I going to have to call the parents? Barons can use these communication strategy to assert themselves effectively with their own kids. For example, if you love watching ketones and have difficulties to switch the TV or when it's time to go to bed. Just like my son, there will probably be using their fighting voice. I don't want so and once a wish the TV for another five minutes. When I hear that from my son, I usually go like this. Oops, team. I hear fighting voice. Try using your token voice instead. Okay, mom, I wants to watch another five minutes. Thank you for saying what you want to use in your token voice. I know watching ketones is really nice and I can imagine myself doing it for very long time, but it's time to go to bed right now. I want to walk more. Timothy. I'm going to use my serious voice right now and ask nicely again to switch the TV off. Ok, mom. 21. Tell, Do Not Yell: So do not yell. Very often. People, kids and adults. So do not hear when they're using their fightin voice. Which is why it is so important to learn how to have patience, tolerance, and do not react when somebody's yelling at you. What you need and what your kids needed at that moment is the awareness somebody needs to bring to their insight that they use in their fight and voice. Very often, when kids are in the middle of the play, they get so excited and carried away. But what they're doing, which is why that forget the bot using the talking voice starts shouting. They start screaming and yelling. If you hear your children doing something like this, bring the awareness and help them to practice the token voice. Here is an example. In the middle of the game. It's my turn. You're not supposed to be touching. Lets you take the green cups and I'm gonna take the blue ones. I'm gonna do it my way. If you're not as your child using the vitamin voice in a scenario like this, you can say, Oops, I'm hearing the voice. How can you say the same thing using your talking voice? Or can you say the same thing using your token voice instead? 22. How to Use Tool #7: The application of talking series and fighting face and voice could be so diverse. You will also notice that the store could be used a lot in combination with other tools like helping words and talk in hand. I will share some of my thoughts here, but these ideas are not limited. You might find Juran instances and situations where this tool will do the wonders. How would love to hear about those situations? Please share them in the community page. Here we go. You can use the stores when they child yells at the parents and others. You shout at the child and you cannot control your emotions. When the child is showing the signs of busyness. If there is any aggressive or violent attitudes. You have two or more kids and you notice sibling rivalry. And simply when a child is actin mean rude or disrespectful and serious voice specificly will be effective if you want your child to stand up for himself. If your child is too shy or been pushed by other kids. And also when you wanted to child, learn how to respond to the aggressive and violent attitude from other kids.