4 Steps Great Parents Take To Create Emotional Safety | Galina Kalinina | Skillshare

4 Steps Great Parents Take To Create Emotional Safety

Galina Kalinina, Parenting Coach & Mentor

4 Steps Great Parents Take To Create Emotional Safety

Galina Kalinina, Parenting Coach & Mentor

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6 Lessons (37m)
    • 1. Introduction

    • 2. What is required to feel emotionally safe?

    • 3. Step 1: Acceptance

    • 4. Step 2: Trust

    • 5. Step 3: Permission

    • 6. Step 4: Suspended Judgments

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About This Class


How to grow your child’s Authenticity, Confidence and Self-Esteem​. 

The single biggest challenge you face as a parent is that the daily life, routine and circumstances are so much bigger than you are. Something else other than yourself gets prioritized. Your personal development and growth as a parent sounds like a mission impossible.

But sometimes that one little insight can change your life dramatically and forever!

Could these short videos help you resolve situations when you are triggered by your child behaviour?

In this mini-course I am taking good parents to the next level and helping them become great in the most important jobs of their life. 

What Will You Learn:

You will start seeing your child for WHO HE IS, an authentic human who wants to be HEARD, SEEN, FELT IMPORTANT and who needs unique parenting approach that is only YOURS and nobody else’s.

You will redefine Your parenting vision and shift from the Traditional Parenting style to your very Unique Parent-Child relationship approach.

Meet Your Teacher

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Galina Kalinina

Parenting Coach & Mentor




Hi! I am Galina, founder of ParentUp

When I became a parent, I had no idea what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to parent. I naturally started remembering how my mum raised me and tried a few things out. It didn't feel right, something was really off that did not agree with me. 

I started searching for answers in other places: I went online, facebook groups, blogs, website etc..  I felt totally overwhelmed by the number of  advice and instructions on how to manage and fix kids.  There was a lot about what parents SHOULD NOT do, but  not much what we WANT to do. 

 I worked for one of the worlds’ largest tech companies, lived and worked across different countries and continents. M... See full profile

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1. Introduction: do you sometimes docked yourself as an effective parents? Do you feel worried that your choice is my heaven negative long term impact on your child? Do you feel the parents in his heart and often appears to be a mystery? You're not alone. There are so many parents out there that asked themselves the same question every single day. What is it sake to be a great parent in the more than world? Because of that Parent Up is launching its first online transformational parents and course called Parents in From Good. So Great the's course will take your owner joining in so that today's more than parents in wisdom. You will hear a lot of stories that will resonate with you and trigger ah ha moments. You will get the tools and practices which you can implement with your kids immediately. So nurture relationship and raise them as confident and resilient. Kids parents and doesn't have to be hard. All you need is guidance, and this course is empowering you to do just that 2. What is required to feel emotionally safe?: Welcome to the first module off the course. Parents in from good to great. In this section, we're gonna talk about what is required. So great emotional safety. Every single time I start working with new parents. I asked them to complete two statements, just like those you have completed in the previous assignments. As a parent, I feel I'm good ads, and as a parent, I feel I could be doing a better job ads often doing this exercise with hundreds of parents , I noticed we all have something in common. We all have our hopes and dreams, concerns and fears note to parents, and experiences are identical. Every child is unique and has he's her puff and pace of growing and developing. And we're parents all got something. We wish we could be doing a better job at every single parent has he's or her ideas of how to raise a child with money worked for me. My notice that work for you. What might work for you? My notice. It work for your friends what we're all good, something in common, and it is called emotional safety. When we talk about safety with our kids, we immediately think about one thing. It's physical safety, but there is so much more that needs to be considered. When we think about our child's emotional world. I've got a question for you when you were a child yourself, How did you feel about opening up with your parents and talking what was going on inside of you personally? I never felt comfortable to do that. And I never felt safe to share my feelings and emotions with them because I had a fear that either will be criticized or punished. I still remember a moment after 12 years of hard work when I told my parents that I wanted to quit professional swimming because I didn't like it and I didn't want it. What I wanted instead was to learn foreign languages. I was meddling love with Spanish. I remember the facial expressions and their immediate answer. No, you have to keep going to the pool. Swimming is good for you. You're not going to quit. After 12 years of training, there were a few things that I concluded to myself on that day. I can trust my choices. Other people know better. What is good for me? My feelings and my emotions do not count. What I want and what I have to say is not important. And there is no points to share what I feel with other people. I've also concluded that it is not safe toe open up and share my feelings and emotions with my parents and talk to them about my life challenges. Have you ever had experienced a similar to mine? Heavy made similar conclusions when you were a child yourself. No talking and no opening up is a learned behavior. The kids are not born with that. They learned by watching us hearing what we say and then they conclude. Here is a very important thing here. Humans are meaning making machines. When the child comes to this world, he doesn't have any meanings about this world. He starts making them by observing watching us what we do and what they say. And one of the such conclusions they might often come so that it is not safe. So open up and share what is happening inside of them. Very often, parents come to me for a session and they start selling their stories. My daughter is not opening up. My son is not sharing anything that happens with him. My son is very critical and very negative. What I usually do. I asked him a very simple question. First, what do you do to create emotionally safe space for your kids toe open up and what we discovered together with parents, that the parents themselves never felt emotional? It's safe when they were kids, which is why the project except listen, things that have learned from their parents back to their own Children. There is a very beautiful expression by bring their brown. You can give your Children what you don't have yourself, which is why, if you want, it gets too big open with you, you need to be open yourself. If you want to get to come to you and share what they think and what they feel, you need to give yourself permission to speak about your emotions. He needs to love yourself except yourself, an owner for who you are with all your imperfections. He need to allow yourself to feel all the feelings without suppressing and denying them, because only you have done this for yourself, you can do it effectively for your own Children, have in some very, especially a child toe open up cannot be done without feeling safe, which is why we're talking here about emotional safety. So what exactly is emotional? Safety? Emotional Say Vitti is an experience where a child feel safe to express his own thoughts, feelings and emotions. He's feeling secure and confident to take the risks, and he feels excited to try something new in his life. So going back to the story that I've shared about me and a swimming pool, what could have my parents done differently to create that emotional safe space for me? They could have said something like this. Hey, you don't want to continue training, do you? Is this something else that you have in mind and something that might be very important for you? Yeah, I see. Is the foreign languages. It sounds like you really enjoy them, and you feel like there is great future potential and learning them. Can you tell me more about how you have this realization? I would really love to hear what you might have seen or heard that brought you to a choice of grittiness sports. So you feel the difference. The don't the energy. So what exactly can the parents do to create actively emotional safety with their kids? In order to create everlasting emotional safety? There has to be four steps. Step number one, Acceptance step number two, Trust step number three Permission and step number four suspended judgments. We are gonna go for all of these steps in the next sections, so let's continue. 3. Step 1: Acceptance: Step one acceptance to start off this section, I would like so share a story that happened with me and my family the other day. My son, His name is Tim. A thing we just call him Tim was painting have lots of fun, and in the end he decided to do some hand art on the walls. He made a huge handprints. My husband got very angry and we accident and rather harsh way. He asked him to clean it up. Straight away. Likely seem, showed no resistance. It took the sponge so and started cleaning. He washed off most of the pen, but there was just a little bit collar left on the wall. My husband walked over and use his very serious voice and said, Look, there's still some paint left. Can you do a better job here? I can still remember the look on my son's face and I could see the question mark spoken up in his head. Why can't I live to my dad's expectations? I did my best. I'm just three years old. Why? And I'm good enough for me. This story is a great lesson over acceptance. A lesson off accepting our kids for who they are. No for who we think they should be accepting the fact that our Children but won't always be able to meet our parents our expectations. Dear parents in this section, I would like to invite you, so let go of your superior sitting. There is one important thing that I would like to mention. There were two types of security positive and destructive. The positive spirit is something that I would encourage you to preserve and keep the way it is, because it is about setting up the boundaries and the frames for your Children to be safe in this world, what exactly is positive superiority? It's the occasions when something has to do with your Childs health, health off other people and the well being of the surroundings and the properties. For example, crossing the streets and you hold in the hand of your child or if your child is jumping on the sofa. But when your child is throwing stones in the windows are the examples of the situations where you have to be superior, step in and set the boundaries. I'm not talking about these kind of superiors and letting it go What I'm talking about is the destructive superiority that is disconnecting this regarding diminishing our Children. Destructive superiority comes from our internal expectations, and our internal expectations are common from our fears, internal fears that got nothing to do with our Children. Back to my story later that day, when I was briefed on the whole situation with my husband, I asked him What were your expectations? And he said, I wanted team to make that will totally clean. And then I asked, What were you worried about? That we won't be able to wash that paint away. We're rent this apartment in our contract. We have this close about the damages will have to pay a penalty to the landlord who making the world's dirty. Do you see how expectations are comin from the internal fears in this story and how this leads to my husband shifts into the superiority, that stuff diminishing a child. My guess you don't want this with your kids. So what, exactly my husband could have done differently in order to stay in acceptance face and be there present with a child in the most positive way? What could have my husband done differently? if he came from a space of acceptance. First of all, acknowledgement and validation off his own feelings, he could have acknowledge invalidated his own feelings of fear. This way he would have stopped projected into our son. It is okay to feel worried about penalties, and it is okay to have some stains on the wall. He wouldn't have weight if we didn't. Where Small kids after all, that's what the kids do. They have fun and then make the walls colorful. Second, was it a feedback and validation off the child? Then my husband would have given positive feedback to my son, highlighting what he did well, given thanks for the effort before pointing out what wasn't done well, even though the result might not have met his expectations, the little guy tried. Was his first time ever motioned that wall? Did he do? It's perfectly meeting my husband's expectations. No, he didn't. My husband could have accepted the fact that the age of three, you simply can't make the walls shiny. Three. Set the bone. Driss. You also should have outlined and made the boundaries very clear. It is our kids to have fun. One painting, but it is not okay to paint on the walls. Form shift from selling toe asking questions. He also could have shifted from selling to asking questions, empowering our son to make his own choices and take the ownership. We'll spend more time on asking the questions in one of the next chapter's and number five . What is the learning opportunity? This part is my favorite because I love challenges like this, and I see them as opportunities to learn something new, to make it very fun. With my kids, I would usually go like this dingy Linda Linda Lin learning opportunity. And my kids know that after this there will be a question. What did you just learn from this experience? And I know it will be the time for them to reflect and concludes, What are they learning? And second away from this situation. It is very powerful because it helps the child to build their growth mindset and look at their life and the things that happen not as mistakes or failures, but as opportunities to learn and to grow. Here's how the whole story could have looked differently if my husband were to take all those things into consideration. Hate him. I see you put a great effort into cleaning this wall. Thanks. Old for bringing the sponge and the soap. Let's just reflect on what happens. So you're painting and had a lot of fun, and then you ended up painting on the wall? Yeah, it sounds like it was a lot of fun. Remember that The walls of forehand in the paintings, then all for paint in the painter's. Do you agree with that? Well, you did a great job in cleaning the pain from that world. Do you know what we call such behavior being responsible? Uh, no. Shall we have another close look? If there is more opened left on that wall, that needs our attention. Hey, You see, there is still something left over here. What would you like to do about it? Great. You want to clean it? Well, I will leave it to you to finish it up. Thanks for finishing. No. Whatever. Just learned from this experience. Exactly. Normal painting on the walls. The walls are forehand in the pendants. That is so great. Thank you. Do you notice how this version doesn't have any rip reminding, Do you notice how everything's shifted from criticizing and ordering so validating and acknowledging the positive things and positive experiences. So you notice how it shifted from telling so asking questions to empower the child. So make his own observations, conclusions and choices. And this is all possible because of acceptance except in your wrong feelings, your state off minds and then, except in the fact that your child is the way he is, given the current circumstances and his level of awareness. Acceptance is about parents along the Children, Toby in the driver said off the car called Life. This is the analogy that I'm using all the time to explain the parents the concept of acceptance. Just imagine for a second that every single person in this planet has a car. The car called Life and every person isn't a driver sip, driving in the direction that they want to go for us parents. Where do we sit? We sit in the passenger seat guidon and helping the child with the challenges that my present in their journey and our primarily Golan objective is not to take over. The steering wheel will answer the coordinates in the direction where the child should go wherever I think it's best for them to go. Our job is to be there right next to them, hold this space, make them feel emotionless, safe, trusted and accepted. So they continue successfully and confidently in their life journey. 4. Step 2: Trust: Step two Trust. When my daughter Polina was six months old, I was very determined to move it to solids as quickly as possible because I was hundreds and short. That's gonna be an easy experience in process because that's how it went with my son. He was very easy. He was eating everything and everywhere. But I don't know that my little princess had completely different plans for me. I was trying all sort of vegetables and fruits. Most went straight, so the garbage bin, she wouldn't even open her mouth. And I'm ashamed to say this, but I've been trying to force you to eat. I was feeling irritated, anxious and impatient. Neither of those feelings seems so positive today. You can imagine what it could have felt like to be around a mom like that. After some self coaching, I came to the point that there were two options that I could choose from. I either could continue staying for straight IDs and push and insist my daughter to do what I thought was right for her. I could simply change my mind set and tunes of what she wants and what she needs at this moment. the later options sounded like the best one because it immediately gave me this feeling off relief and the tension was dropped and I gave myself permission. So let go off my expectations. I took it very slow. I started observing what she liked on what she didn't like about the Fords. And very quickly I discovered that what she enjoyed the most was creamy textures. Anything that will have lumps like Rise of backward was a complete now go. So I greeted the foundation off your menus and the foods that you really liked on a daily basis. And when she turned nine months, she was totally ready. She started and enjoyed the solids and moved into even almost everything what I needed to do at that moment when just simply trust her trust that she has her away off doing the things and she has your pace and you're right moment to move to eat the food. Does this story resonate with you to have any similar experiences when your Children were trying to teach her a lesson or acceptance? My kids keep teaching me accepted lessons every day, and I would like to share another story that happened with me and my son. There was a big breakthrough in my life. I took him for private swim class. He was not in the morning. He didn't want to jump into the water and he kept saying he was feeling cold. I really thought that it was just him being stubborn, I insisted and pushing to get into the water officer. About 10 minutes He gets out and strongest says, I'm feeling too cold and I can't be in the water anymore. I try to convince him again and again for about another five minutes. All the reason in all the logic or persuasion, justification about why it was good for him to go back into that water didn't work to be frank. The only thought that I had in my head was Oh, no, what a waste of the class I paid for 30 minutes with a private teacher, and he only did 10 minutes. It's just not good enough. I gave up and I gave my son one towel when we came back home and I took his temperature. He had fever 39 I felt so guilty and so ashamed for not listening to him. What I needed to do at that moment was to trust him. But what I was focused on instead was the thought about the waste of money that what I paid for this lesson and the fact that he spent on a 10 minutes there was not enough are very often hear parents saying, My kids are so smart, they know how to manipulate me. The reality is they don't The kids don't behave this way. They don't learn how to manipulate that just simply don't have those skills and tools yet later on the figure it out from us. But when they're still very young, they don't have capacitive to manipulate anybody. And if this is something that might look like manipulation when they're misbehaving, it's a signal. It's the communication and the message to you that you need to find out why they're doing what they're doing, Why they're saying what they're saying, because there's a deeper minute that is going on with them That moment, which Shupe s parents have to find out. There are a few very valuable points that come out off this story. First of all, we as parents should pay attention to our mind, cheddar and recognize when it's working against us. If I were to notice earlier that my thoughts were all around them money and how little sign we have spent in the swimming pool, I would not have disconnected from my son. Second of all, we should validate and acknowledge our own feelings. I should have told myself It's okay. Also feel worried about whatever was weren't at this moment and it was the money. If I were to do it for myself, I would have validated and acknowledged the feelings of my son, and I would have continued trusting that what he was saying was the truth. So, dear parents, here's my invitation for you in this section. I'm inviting you. So let go of your righteousness that go over your belief that your way is the only way, because the moment you let it go, you allow your kids to trust themselves, and you're teaching them the most available lesson in their life. Believe in that they have their own answers inside of them, and they don't have to go to anybody else. We'll find any external sources to confirm and validate that those answers are the right ones 5. Step 3: Permission: Step three permission. Previously, we talked about things like security, acceptance, trust. So how exactly does permission relates to the emotional safety? Here's the story I would like to share and introduce it to the concept of permission. It happened with me, my son and my husband. Well, I know what you want. The thinking right now. A game husband. I promised that all of my stories about my husband there are some stories where I am the main character. So we were in the supermarket and my son looked like he was having a lot of fun. He got stuck in front of their shelves full of stationery, and he's not a gram. And all the things saying that he needs them all. So it looked like he had a very big plan. He grew up the back off envelopes, then a pack off paperclips, and was just the boats who dropped them into the shopping basket. When my husband in seven and used his very serious voice to say no, Timothy, you don't need them. He grabbed them out of his hands and put them back into the shelves. So my son no longer looked happy or excited home. The contrary. He looked very sad, disappointed and confused. I felt like I needed to step in and save the situation. Hey, it looks like these envelopes and paper clips are very important for you. Yes, there are. I see. Can you tell me what kind of plan you had in mind? What did you want to do with them? I wanted to write a letter to my best friend and sent it to her by post I hail. It is very important to have envelopes if you want to write somebody a letter. What about the paper clips? What did you want to do with them? I haven't figured it out yet, but they all look something. I can play school and pretend to be a teacher. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun. Can I play with you when we're back home? Yes, Mom, Can I make a suggestion? Yes, I would love to know. I think I have seen a box off paperclips and that's office. And we might still have some envelopes in the same drawer Before we buy anything. You Shall we check in the drawers? Is that okay with you? Yes. Let's check home. Timofey put his items back on the shelves and we continued our shopping. This is a very classic situation. When kids wants to buy stuff in the shops and the supermarkets and parents. Most of the time, I find it very difficult on responding in the most effective way. They usually end up saying things like, No, you can't have it. Stop asking. I will be sharing different tips and techniques and how to have this conversation in the more productive way in one of my upcoming courses called Positive Discipline. So stay tuned and sign out when this course is released. What did you notice in this story? Which part of it looks like a permission? First of all, I gave my standard permission. Toe wants what he wants it, and I did it in a very compassionate way, validating no dismissing his plan. One phrase that you can pencil down and use with your kids all the time is it sounds like it seems like it is very important for you. It is so powerful because it allows to validate your child and accept his dreams and his plans. Regardless, the fact whether you accept or not accept them. Secondly, instead of insistent doing offense my way, I asked my son for permission. Can I make a suggestion? Is another very powerful phrase that you can use every day with your kids if you want, so create emotional safety around them. I have this story from my childhood. I loved helping my mom with baking, and when I was old enough, she would let me to make the pastry by myself. I would put all the ingredients together and make things up. And then on the final stage, when the pastry was almost ready, my mom would always come over, take the spatula, and that just makes the pastry really vigorously for one minute. At that moment, I always felt confused because I didn't understand why she would not let me just put the cake in the oven the way it was. I knew she was trying to make it perfect, but it also gave me a feeling that my way was not good enough. It always made me feel like she just took over and my cake didn't even exist, and it also made me feel like I was no longer in a driver set off my car like somebody else took over. Steering will put in the different coordinates. What just took me on a different route. Sometimes that's how our kids feel when we insist. So the defense our way rather than accepting, trusting and given the permission to the their way, these two stories have got one thing in common. Permission s parents. We do not give enough permission to our kids. And we actually do this to our kids in big and small ways. Next time when your child struggles putting on this shows don't rush to tell that they put the show on the wrong foot. Next time, when your child gets beaten by an ends, don't rush to tell them. You see, I told you, don't touch the ends. Or next time when your child gets kicked out off the football team, so not rush to reprimand them and tell them What were you thinking? Permission is about shifting parents from selling. So asking questions here, I would like to give it a few tools that will change the way you talk to your kids instead of telling your child what So ask. Can I make a suggestion? Would you like to hear my thoughts? Is it okay if I will share my ideas instead of human how your child fails and what your child wants on names? Ask, How do you feel? What is it? What you want right now? What will make you feel better instead of this human that your child needs help? In general, you can ask, What can I do to help? What? Cancer? To support you instead of automatically given advice and solutions to your child, you can ask permission. Would you like to hear my advice? Instead of assuming your child is gonna get into trouble? You can ask, What is your plan? What do you want to do with this? Instead of telling that they made a mistake, he can ask, What did you learn from this experience? What will you do differently next time, when you ask your child or any person for permission, you make them feel like they continue being in the driver's seat and, driver said is emotionally safe. It's the hot where you feel your accepted and trusted 6. Step 4: Suspended Judgments: step number four. Suspend the judgments. Suspended judgments is a very important parents in skill because it is ethical off every parent transformation. When is that working with parents? Ask them so simple questions. Why are you here and what do you want? Do you want to change or transformation? What's the difference? There would always ask me. Well, the difference is that with the change, you look at the problem. On the surface level, you find the fix or solution that will serve your short term. But because it is a quick fix, the problem itself will come back over and over again. With the transformation, the parents will look tip, and they will unpick whatever needs to be unpacked to solve the problem permanently. Transformation requires the parents to get out of their comfort zone to get into the stretch. Show courage and vulnerability. Why? Because transformation is about UNP aching every judgment the parent holds against themselves, their kids and the people around them. You would think that because parent and child relationship and love is unconditional. The parents should not hold any judgments and against their kids. In reality, we know that this is not happening Why? Because our kids are our mirrors and they constantly pointing out at something inside of us that needs to be looked at. And our judgments usually tell us more about us rather than this say about people and the kids that were judging. So whether there's gonna be a change or transformation depends on your willingness and ability. So look into your judgments and unpick them. What exactly is a judgment will make numerous judgments throughout the day, and we judge positively and negatively. Judging is a natural instinct that humans develop long time ago to keep us safe and protected from situations that could cause us home and pain. However, throughout the years, the needs to have this instinct significantly drops, but we still carry on, judging as a social behavior. When it comes to parenting, we judge our kids when we don't understand their perspective. We don't understand their needs and we don't understand their basic norms of cross and developments when were are unfamiliar with something or the situation is unknown to us. We become fearful, and this is where the judgments kick in. We stop labeling things and people as good and bad, right and wrong. Negative judgements originate from insecurities and insufficiencies. I've learned my judgments, lessons, the hard way. School concerts. The school concerts are so stressful not just only for kids but for parents as well. I've heard it so many times, parents saying, Oh, my daughter is not moving at the stage at all or my son was off. The reason This is just a few examples of what parents say after the concepts. So there always will be one child that is super exit and super great and the dense and pools, and that shall immediately becomes a benchmark for the insecure parents toe. Answer. The judgment world. I was one of them. It was the third concert at my son's nursery. The first of concepts were great. We practiced at home. My son's movements were excellent, and for the three year old kids he was super active. I was very placed and felt proud as a parent and most importantly, the teacher put him right in the centre off the stage. Don't ask me. For some reason, I had the belief that the teachers put only the best performing kits in the center of the stage. Selimi Silly beliefs Unfortunately, my son got sick and missed three school days. Just before his third concept. We couldn't rehearse much before the big day. At the constant day itself, he walked onto the stage and went straight to the ends. My heart sank and my immediate thoughts were Oh no, he's standing at the end. He must be not good enough this time. And my thoughts started racing. What did I not do as a mom? Oh, he was sick for three days and I didn't make him rehearse as much as other kids. This is why he is not in the middle. And why didn't he rehearse? Because I didn't insist and push human off. I am not a good mom. The entire performance I spent in my head, I was not present and I was not enjoying my son's show. I was focusing on myself. I missed everything, and in the end I couldn't give you any positive acknowledgement or feedback. I judge my son and his performance on the stage as bad. I felt so ashamed and I knew it was my ego, and I also knew that I had some work to do. Work was suspended. My judgments, judgments about my son and about myself. A few insights that came out of this experience. Bad performance off my son on the stage. Equaled. Need being the bad parents. Good performance off my son on the stage Equal May. Being a good parent, I discovered about myself that I needed external validation off my parents in skills and the way for me to get their of being acknowledged as a good parent was making sure that my son was performing well on the stage. That's this story resonate with you. Do you recognize any of your thoughts? Perhaps stories that happened to you that might lead you to discovering your ego, your thoughts and the judgments.