100% Happy! | Jerry Banfield | Skillshare
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7 Lessons (1h 4m)
    • 1. What is happiness what does it mean to be happy

      7:05
    • 2. The source of all happiness and unhappiness how to be 100 percent happy

      14:16
    • 3. Discovering the tools you have to maintain happiness based on what works for me

      3:39
    • 4. Why confession is awesome, how to do it, and what effect it has on happiness

      7:03
    • 5. After my first bad breakup I had a moment of 100 percent happy were time slowed down

      11:56
    • 6. How I overcame homophobia and started loving equal rights

      13:43
    • 7. Support group

      6:12

About This Class

Enjoy the videos in this class which share my ideas about how to be 100% happy!

Transcripts

1. What is happiness what does it mean to be happy: So when I say 100% happiness, what does that mean to me? 100% happiness is a journey and a place you can be right now you convey. Be in a place right now where you are 100% happy with the world, as if you chose every detail of it as if you set up everything your life and said OK, I like it. This this, this and that. So to me, I mean, happiness is in the sense of a satisfaction a deep, peaceful serenity, a deep awareness for how things are in being okay with that. So this contrast deeply with idea of happiness is some euphoria like Oh, yeah, I'm on top of the world. That, to me, is euphoria. That's not happiness, because that comes with a crash. So when you're like this, you're gonna be like this later. You know, things like drugs and drinking especially are known for promoting euphoria. But there's all kinds of other things that work with you for you like video games. Yeah, I'm so much better than you are really suck at this game and suck it life. So to me, happiness is a place of peace. Serenity enjoy just the joy of being alive. And I use happiness because that's some one of the main term, at least on you, to me and in a lot of people's conversations about it. So I'm saying happiness is a deep acceptance and feeling, a part of life, a deep joy for living, that sensation like Thank God I'm alive. This is awesome just to be alive. I'm really happy just to be in this moment. I'm grateful to be in this moment. So the happiness I'm talking about feels a lot like gratitude and a lot like relaxing and just Ah, everything's all right happiness with idea that everything is going to be all right. So that's what I mean when I say happiness and idea of saying 100% happiness is that you can be a complete and total happiness, that it's a place you can be right now, and it's a journey you can make right now. If you say I'm not happy right now, then you are on a journey. And if you say I'm 100% happy right now, it's a journey to stay happy. I'm on a constant journey every moment to stay happy, to stay at peace and to stay in the joy of feeling alive. Imagine if you were dead, which is a certainty. You will be dead. Your body will be the consciousness. That issue is eternal. You already have eternal life. So picture from that consciousness. Looking back on now that joy of feeling. Wow, I'm alive now. Anything is possible. How exciting. That's the happiness I'm talking about the deep connectedness and peace being with life. You can get into some of that into euphoria Some of the times you get into you. Four you can tap into some of that just high. Everything's awesome. It's the euphoria stripped of the grandiosity and stripped of the lies. So you four, you often the am so much better than all you guys. I'm so happy. This is great. We're all celebrating world partying. It's awesome if you strip away the lies that go along with that. For example up I used to drink a lot, and the lie that went along with the euphoria was that I wasn't poisoning myself. This is awesome. I really sick right now. I don't feel right. How awesome is it to be hurting myself. So that's the kind of thing with you four years. You're usually hurting yourself in the process of euphoria, and then you usually pay for that in hangover depression. You pay for that in some way. So you four is kind of like sacrificing a future, sacrificing the reputation, sacrificing something in order to get this brief lift. Where is happiness is just always there. Happiness is always in you. You don't ever have to do anything to be happier. Euphoria usually requires that you do something and what most people seem to me or a lot of people seem to think of happiness as euphoria. I certainly did. I thought euphoria was happiness, and I was frustrated whenever I wasn't happy. So now I see happiness is something that always is there any time I'm not happy. All I have to do is realize, Oh, I'm not happy, all right, I can be happy again. It's always there, and I don't ever have to do anything except be myself at the deepest level. All have to do is be myself to be happy. All you have to do is be yourself to be happy yourself has no body, no form. So yourself is not this body, this flesh or thes things. You have yourself a the deepest, spiritually level. That part of you, which already has eternal life, is just be that so. That's my idea of happiness. Is a deep peace enjoy to be alive a deep peace and happiness and serenity with everything that's going around acceptance of exactly what is. So that's how I'm describing happy and unlimited 100% happiness that you can always have and that you can only have right now. And if you find it now, then that's when you can have it. The beauty is you don't have to look for it. You just have to be it. So I hope this makes some sense to you, depending on exactly where you're at today. It might make sense. It might not. This is here for you. Whenever you want to work on your happiness, there's nothing greater you can do in life to the fine joy and happiness right now. So I'm here. I'm hoping to share that join the happiness I have with you throughout. So I'm grateful, and I hope this is helpful for you in being finding and experiencing the infinite joint happiness that's in my life, and that also is the deepest core of your being of who you are. 2. The source of all happiness and unhappiness how to be 100 percent happy: If you want to be 100% happy, there's only one thing you have to do. That's except how things are now. All unhappiness comes from the same story, the same activity, the same thing. It comes from rejecting how things are now. So you look around and say things are not how they should be. This is wrong. All unhappiness comes from doing exactly that. All peace and happiness comes from saying yes to exactly how things are now. So what does that mean? What does that look like? Here's an example of saying yes, I say yes to exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm happy being here right now, doing exactly what I'm doing, and that is an inner state. It doesn't matter what's going on around me. It's an interstate where I say, Yes, what's going on right now is okay, or another way of putting it is. I don't mind how things are all suffering, and unhappiness comes from saying no to how things are. And it's an inner no, and it takes the form of many different stories. If you can notice yourself telling one of these stories, you can easily see where you are saying no in order to say yes, you first need to discover where you're saying no. So here's an example of a story that is told in so many different formats. That is an expression of saying no to how things are and saying no to the moment. Oh, I had this job before. It was so good and I loved it and I was really important there and the job I met. Now it's just not the same. I don't get paid as much. I don't get is good of reputation. We don't service good of clients as at that old job. That's a simple story of unhappiness. That's a rejection of now, because often if you see the person in that last job at the time, here's what they say. Oh, this job is so stressful. I'm always on the phone. I'm always at work. I have way too many projects I'm managing. I'm working 60 70 hours a week. It's just way too much. I just can't take this job Sometimes. What you can see is the basic story of unhappiness written in different narratives. Here's another 10 my girlfriend or boyfriend is just being such a jerk. They're not understanding me. They won't listen to me. They won't do what they're supposed to. They won't do this. They won't do that here. She just calls me all the time or he is. She won't call me enough. He or she is probably talking to someone else. That basic unhappiness comes in the form of a rejection of how things are, how things are is just fine. Here's where it's more obvious and really hard when someone passes away. Like when my dad passed away last year, I was so mad. My, Why does my dad have to die? Why, when I'm 29 years old? Do I have to lose my dad? Every time I'd look around and see someone that had their dad and who was my age or older, I'd be so mad like this is wrong. That is wrong. I lost my dad, and I felt so miserable on account of it, until I realized that's making me miserable. My dad's body is not here anymore, and going around feeling like it oughta be is making me miserable. I didn't realize how much I was doing the same thing with everyone in my life saying You ought to be this way, my friend. You ought to be doing this. My family member. You know what you ought to be doing? This is this is it. And I would go around all the time. Judging people who look there in the marriage isn't gonna work. Look how mean he is with his kid and that is a unhappiness. When you're happy, you're a piece without things are, and that makes life so absurdly simple. For example, I don't have to worry about the things I said yesterday because it's fine. Whatever I said is fine. If I said something that hurt someone, then I hope now I can realize it. I hope when the time is right, I can realize it and try and make amends for that in the moment. Now I'm OK with whatever I said yesterday. I'm OK with whatever I did yesterday because it's done. I have no control over that. That's a fact now, So all unhappiness and life is related to rejecting how things are when you accept how things are. Then there's just a sense of peace that comes with it like Oh, everything's Okay. How many times have you been so worried and stressed about something and afraid everything was just going to fall apart? And then you have this brief realization like, Oh, I'm laying in my bed right now. Everything's fine. There's no one breaking into the house right now. There's no one taking all my money. There's no one taking me to jail right now. I'm in bed. Everything's fine. That's how life is all the time. All unhappiness comes from making it be some other way. Life is always okay. Life is always fine. The Onley way you can be unhappy is to say no. No, this sucks. I hate it. No, this isn't right. Every judgmental action you take against someone else is a reflection of your inner reality . There is Onley one reality and that's your reality, our reality, the one reality we're all in. So when you say something's not right in your reality, you're saying something's not right in all reality in everyone's life, The thing is, you are the one that suffers the most. When I say that something's wrong with the world and you notice I'm saying this, I'm not saying it's wrong for anyone to be unhappy. You are welcome to your unhappiness and misery, if that's what you want. Right now, I have been welcomed to a lot of my unhappiness in my own misery in my life until I realized Whoa, I'm making myself miserable. I'm making myself unhappy. Me, All of the unhappiness, all of the misery I suffer is my own creation. Everything that's awful in my life is my own creation. Because if I accept how things are, there is nothing that's awful. No matter what happens, a car pulls out in front of me. That's fine. Okay, I'm late to getting to the gym, Okay? These things used to make me mad. Damn it. Don't get on my way. A slow ask driver. Get move! Don't you know I'm trying to get arm late? That's how I used to be all the time. It was how awful. It was really awful. And it led to a lot of bad habits, and it led to a lot of what I called pain. And then it led to a lot of I need to make this pain go away. Pain is there to tell you you're not doing something, right? It's a little knock on the head. A Hello, You're You're doing something wrong. Something. You're doing something wrong here. Now there's physical pain in the moment. If your leg hurts if your knee hurts, if your back your neck hurts, that might be a fact of this moment. You still have to accept it, just like everything else. Okay, my back hurts. That's fine. The moment you say, dammit, My back shouldn't hurt you're You have caused a ton more pain on top of the pain you experience. So there's pain you experience. That's physical pain. And sometimes if you lose someone your life, that's emotional pain. Losing my dad was very painful and there was lots of emotional pain there that was just there. But that doesn't create unhappiness that doesn't create suffering. Suffering comes from rejecting how things are. If you want to be 100% happy, all you have to do is say yes, everything's OK and catch yourself when you're saying something else. If you notice you're spewing a story of being unhappy, all you have to do is notice you're doing and saying, Oh, whoops. OK, whoops. I all right, I see what I'm doing. I'll stop. That's I have to do that all the time. I'm still somewhat new in living a peaceful, happy life. So a lot of my life is me catching myself, right? As soon as I step outside of thinking things are okay, so I try and notice the moment I put a little tiny sliver of myself. My being my consciousness outside of thinking everything is okay. And that might be when the car pulls out in front, me or you. And then I see orbs. Okay, I'm saying, this is wrong. What time's our? Everything's fine. Everything is fine. That car pulling out in front of me is not the end of the world. It's just how it's supposed to be. And because there's only one reality, there's your reality. The reality you see is the only reality. We're all in the same reality when you or I say something's wrong with any one thing in our lives. We're telling the whole universe you believe in a creator of the universe, a god, a savior. However you put it, you are telling the highest authority in the universe that there, Rog, wherever you're at you're pointing to them. God, you're wrong. You screwed this up. God, this is all messed up. God, why did you do this? That is the cause of unhappiness. A pushing away of the universe ing. Nope. I know how this should be. I know how this should be. Get you damn universe! Get away. I could do a better job. I would make a better world that creates suffering That creates pain. That creates unhappiness. Because you're saying you know, better than all of life all of creation, all of reality, how things should be and for me to see I'm doing that puts me in my place. When I'm trying to tell the whole universe that it's wrong, it looks ridiculous. Now whenever I'm trying to say something What? Whoops. OK, I'm not. I didn't make the whole universe. Everything's probably just how it's supposed to be. And there's just a gigantic piece that comes from that, like wow, the like. I dropped the whole world off my shoulders when I say OK, everything's fine just the way it is. Everything is just perfect just how it ISS and I don't have to add a story into that like I'm a miserable failure and I'm broke and I have no career prospects and and that's a story . And that's a story of unhappiness. The story of now is whatever is physically surrounding you. For me, it's this microphone, this webcam, these two monitors, a few studio lights, a backdrop in office in my house. That's now That's it. They used all the things I can touch. These are the things that I see that I'm aware of. That's what's going on now. Anything else is imaginary. Anything else besides what I'm getting in my physical sense perceptions is in my mind, it's imaginary. So if I'm thinking about how much money I have in the bank, that's imaginary. I don't actually see how much money I have in the bank right now. I'm imagining it if I'm thinking about all of the other things, even things like my wife. My wife is not right here right now. She's in my mind. I think she's at work right now. She is not right in my area that she's in my mind and in my heart, if you can just get into this moment, you confined 100% happiness here. If you can look around and say everything's just fine right now, you can find complete and total happiness in that I'm sharing this with you because that's what feels right. That's where I feel in place this moment, sharing with you exactly what I know how to do to find 100% happiness in life. So I appreciate you watching this. I hope my look at the utter simplicity of happiness. 100% happiness is in 100% acceptance of how things are. Unhappiness comes from less than that. So thank you for watching this. And I hope this has been helpful for you. 3. Discovering the tools you have to maintain happiness based on what works for me: for being 100% happy and accepting life. You often will need tools in order to help you through some of the biggest challenges. The biggest changes. In other words, when you have problems or life situations that come up, you often will need tools in order to help you not go into your old ways of thinking in order to keep you in a place of peace and happiness and acceptance for life. So what I will talk about are the tools I have that are critical for keeping me in a place of peace and understanding with life. These tools are very useful for things like unloading the baggage of your past, staying in the moment, not being worried and afraid of the future, accepting physical pain as it is suffering willingly and consciously. These tools are the ways I'm able to stay happy, and then I'm able to stay at peace with life. You have all of the tools I have. There's nothing I have that you don't have. The only thing you might have to do is find the exact form these tools take and locate them within yourself. So when I share something with you. It's something you can use. It's like it's out in your garage. It might be a little bit of time before you can actually go find where you've got that tool . In real life terms, you might have to figure out how to translate how something I'm talking about fits into your life. At the same time, the more you start figuring yourself out and the life out around you and the tools you have , the easier it will get toe. Look at something that I've explained or that you see someone else explaining and for you to figure out. Oh, okay, I can have that if I do it this way. For example, one of the tools that's very helpful for me is confession. I'm able to do that through the 12 step program I'm in and through a local religious organization. You might find different forms that your tools take, so you might not be able to use a 12 step program or a local religious organization for your confession. If you want that as a tool, you can likely find it in another way or in the same way. But the actual details of it will very based on exactly where you are and how your life is set up, and that's OK, that's normal. All of these tools I'm giving you the idea with them is persistence. They may not be easy to locate or find on the first try. Just like if you have a bunch of things out in your garage, it might take some time to find the exact tool you need to do the job. Same thing here, you've got all of the inner resource is to do these things I'm sharing with you and that keep me 100% happy and accepting of life. It took me and takes me every day and will take me in the future consistent effort every single day to manage, keep track of and use all the tools I'm sharing with you. So thank you for taking a look at the tools I have for maintaining my own happiness. And I hope that in sharing what works for me the tools I have to be happy that you can find the exact tools that will work for you 4. Why confession is awesome, how to do it, and what effect it has on happiness: Another tool that's really helpful for being happy is confession and confession means sharing the nature the deepest, darkest, worst nature of yourself. The worst things you've done, the worst things about you with another person and getting forgiveness for it. In some religions, there's a religious structure to handle this in some support groups, there's a structure to handle this in some therapy situations. There's a structure to handle this, and sometimes you can just do this with your friends, family or an acquaintance or in whatever way comes up. The idea is confession relieves you of the baggage that keeps you from being unhappy. And I just did confession just a few hours ago And let me tell you, and you can probably tell I feel just gigantically relieved to just go through and talk about those things that haunt me in my mind. Those little things that threaten to say how bad of a person I am all the time, I feel purified. I feel like I've just scrubbed off a bunch of dirt off of my soul, and the confession doesn't change the fact or make an excuse for anything I've done in the past. What it does help me to do is forgive myself and to not let what I've done in the past make me unhappy right this moment. Because when I do that, I create mawr things that then I need to confess later. Confession is a miracle of purity when you are in a situation where you can really, honestly share the worst shameful things about yourself and get them out. I know there's lots of things in my life I looked at. I'm taking this to the grave. I won't ever tell anyone about this. Those things made me a sick person spiritually. Those things made me feel separate from all of the universe from my fellow human beings. Those things encouraged me to always point them out. In other people who look off sick, this person is they're really sick, and that all made me very unhappy. It's hard to be unhappy when you're carrying around a lifetime of baggage about what you've done before in confession is the most helpful method I have found for unloading that baggage. If you want to live in the now, it helps to re train your mind to focus on now and to not carry around all that baggage. It says. If if you've seen a Christmas Carol where Marley has all those chains on him, or if you're familiar with mythology, where Atlas is holding the world on his shoulders, that's what it's like when you keep all of your sins, all of your crimes, all of the things you've done that make you feel shameful that you don't even like to think about. When you keep all those close to your heart and you won't share them. It's like you're wearing those change around every day. It's like you've got the world on your shoulders and it's really hard to be happy with the world on your shoulders. It's really hard to be happy when you're dragging around. A lifetime of shame in confession helps unload shame, and you do it by sharing with another person, and often you can do it in a format where the other person will share back with you so that when you've given your shameful secrets out, they've given you theirs in return. So now you have this trust with them that you will hold each other shameful, secret, sacred and the two of your shameful secrets together will feel like a great weight has been lifted because you feel good. I feel good about relieving other people's shame when someone else tells me the horrible things they've done. I feel great relief in because that's what they feel when eyes just shared a few hours ago , the deepest I've shared before, the deepest I've went into my past in terms of the shameful, awful things. I feel wonderful relief in forgiveness, and I feel it in myself. I can forgive myself. I do forgive myself for these awful things that I've experienced in my life and that I've done to others. And through that I can go forth and sin no more. I don't have to keep doing them. I can go forward without hurting myself and then in a place where I'm hurt hurting other people. I can treat myself with respect and with dignity. I don't have to hurt myself anymore, and that's a wonderful thing. And confession is a great tool that helps with that. So I hope I've shared the value with you of confession. It may not be easy right away to find a format that's works for you. if you work at it. If you keep trying, you will find Ah, good format, where you can add confession to your life. It might not happen on the first try. You might do it wrong. There might be things that don't work with it. It's OK, the more I've done confession. When I first started, I was only willing to confess one thing. One thing I have been really ashamed of, that I never told anybody. About the second time I did confession, there were like 10 things, and now the more I do, it's like, Oh my God, how many things was I holding on to? And so it makes me just want to do it more and more and toe have be there for people in return. So it takes some effort. It takes some time. You might not get it right the first few times you do it, but the result is way, way worth it. The result is fantastically helpful for being in reaching to 100% happy. It's amazing, and you can see I feel this giant relief right now after confession confession with something I made fun of and thought was stupid my whole life up until I saw the value in it and I saw the value just by trying in a little bit. I tried it a little bit once I tried a little bit. Then I tried it a little bit more and then today a whole lot more. It's great. Give it a try and you will feel how much easier it is to be 100% happy when you're not carrying around the world on your shoulders when you're not burdened by all the things you've done wrong. So thank you for sharing this with me, and I hope this has been useful for you on your journey to happiness. 5. After my first bad breakup I had a moment of 100 percent happy were time slowed down: for being happy and accepting how things are. The first critical step is to notice when you're not accepting how things are. I have a life full of memories where I reject how things are. Occasionally, I got a really good wake up call where I got a brief moment to get out of that, and I would quickly go right back into where I waas. Here's a good example. So in college I had a girlfriend senior year and then for a year after college. It was my first time in a serious relationship. We both said we loved each other. We both thought were going to get married. It was a very serious relationship. We weren't right for each other, and over time we both consistently put less effort into the relationship. And soon enough she was coming over telling me that she was breaking up with me. I was so mad. Oh, how can you do this to me when in fact there's nothing she had done to me that I hadn't done to her would both not been in the relationship for a while and it was very nice and kind of her to say Look Let's end this so we can try and do better. And I was so mad. No, no, no. You ruined all my plans. You did this. This is awful. I have to have you back. I'm miserable. I can't take this. It's terrible. Life is not livable. I don't even know if I want to live anymore. That's what I said. And that's what I did to myself. And one day, the last time I went over to her place to see her A week after she broke up with me, I'd sent her flowers, complete rejection of how things were and fit perfectly. Since I don't think I got her real flowers, I got her some plastic ones. In the whole two years we've been together. So I rejected how things were. I turned this into us. I'm going to control life. I'm gonna make you do what I want you to do. And I was miserable. I had all of these compulsive thoughts over and over and over in my head home I got When I am I going to do What is she doing? Who is she saying? Did she cheat on me? What's going on? What did I do? What can That I have a life after this thoughts over and over and over. I'm so, man, I'm so depressed. This is so awful. I don't deserve this. Just repeated thoughts over and over and over and over and over again. And I was driving to see her and my thoughts spun so far out of control that for a moment my mind just stopped It didn't even know what to say after it had said hundreds of thousands of things are just going nuts and it just stopped. It talked itself into a place where it didn't know what else to say for a minute. And there was silence. After most of my life of compulsive thinking, I had a brief moment of silence, no thoughts. And I was It was like I woke up from a nightmare For a minute. I looked around in the car like I'm driving. Time is slowing down, and I just looked around and it was weird. It was if the car was barely moving. I was going like, 60 miles an hour, and I was like, I was shocked. It was as if time had slowed down. I remember looking over the concrete like, how is it going so slow? Just being like dumbfounded. But mostly I didn't think it all. I just looked and I was present. I was in the car and not in my mind with all these compulsive thoughts. But I was in the car with my body just present looking around war Wow, Like a baby might look at it his first time in the car. That unconditioned response toe life that wow! Cool. And then my compulsive thoughts came back in like a hurricane where the I had come over for a minute and there was brief sunshine. And then oh, I got its rating again. Ah, that was a brief moment. Ah, brief moment where I accepted how things were. I'm in the car driving. That's fine. And I was completely, wonderfully happy in that moment. As soon as the thoughts came back, it was a ziff. I popped up out of the water for a minute like, Oh, it's sunshiny. And then I dropped back down into the depths like, Whoa, I'm drowning. I'm grounding. If you can notice those moments in your life where you got a brief silence and everything was okay. I will bet you notice one thing in common that you worked in your mind. You're in your body. You are present with what's going on. Often it takes a dangerous, disastrous or ah, hyper stressful situation like that to produce that kind of result. I was a police officer before, and there were rampant stories. I never experienced one myself where that exact thing that I told you just happened. And that's where thoughts go away. You transcend thought. You get into that intelligence that runs your whole body. So there's an intelligence that runs your entire body all the time. That intelligence is infinitely greater than your mind. Your mind is a tool. Your body has just like your hands just like your feet. Your mind is a tool like that and we have a mental disease of identifying who we are with the thinking mind when you get a moment like I just described and it might be some ordinary day we're going to visit your ex or you're really stressed and you get a brief period, a brief moment of silence. In that period, you have the chance to see exactly where the source of all a happiness is I did not take that chance. I went right through that moment without hardly thinking about it until now. Now that I try and keep that moment all the time, Now I look back and see. There were these moments in my life where I had a little piece of it, a little tiny taste of 100% happiness, and I thought my way right through them. As soon as the thought came back, I just dove back into the thoughts. If you want to be 100% happy exactly what happened to me that day in the car, exactly where I'm at now, that's where 100% happiness is at that. Still mind, just a focus on what's going on around you. That's riel. What is going on around you now is riel. It's more riel than whatever you're thinking about. All you have to do is catch yourself being in famous sea land, being in the thoughts, being an imagination because there's here. There's what's physically here now. Mini fridge, a desk computer monitors, webcam. Mike, that's riel, the Eiken grab onto these things. These are riel. Anything in my mind is imaginary. It's fantasy. It's not riel because it's something I'm creating. I don't see it. I don't feel it. I don't smell it. I'm not touching it. Therefore, it's in the mind it's created. It's a fantasy getting into riel while I'm talking to you here. I'm aware of these surroundings because that's what's riel. You can see the immense presence that beings in to me. I am wholeheartedly here with you because I'm immersed in riel. I'm not doing anything except using my mind to help me share with an interact with my surroundings. It felt like time slowed down to me in the car. When I was on the way to see my ex girlfriend, it felt like time slowed down because I was not burdened by compulsive thinking of the mind . You have a very limited span of consciousness and attention. If you focus all of that on the moment, you will find almost anything you try do is effortless and easy because your attention applied to anything is extremely powerful. That's why when I was in the car and I had the sensation that time's slowed down, time did not actually slow down. I stopped distracting myself for a moment. I was just aware of what I was doing and just doing what I was doing. And driving was effortless and easy because I wasn't doing anything else. Think about it like running programs on your computer. How does your computer to who? Well, might bad. I don't know how your computer works, but my computer. If I one run program on it at a time, my computer works really good. If I try and run a bunch of programs, my computer grinds to a halt you. Your consciousness is the same way. If you found one thing at a time, you have a very powerful ability to change and act on whatever you're doing. If you're just driving, driving can be almost effortless. If you are trying to do all these things at the same time in your mind and do your life on autopilot, it's very hard because it's just like your computer. You've burdened your attention with all of these different things. When you're distracted all the time when you're thinking about your text messages or what's going on Facebook all the time, you're distracted. It makes doing everything really hard. If you want time to slow down for you just be with your surroundings. Be here, be with me here, talking to you Be with what you're doing and notice when you've stopped doing that I at least notice now when my mind starts to drift off on something else and then I can say, Oh, I'm here So I hope this has been useful for you. I love the happiness and peace I feel And I'm sharing it with you out of the love that you confined exactly where that love and peace and 100% happiness is inside of you. 6. How I overcame homophobia and started loving equal rights: how have I overcome homophobia and started loving all people in favor of full equality for every person? I think this is a miracle that I've experienced this change of myself. I've went from a person who used to hate anyone of a different sexual orientation than mine . Va hem it, Lee. I would use slurs. I would do anything I could to communicate that hate. And then I communicated that hate even within people of what I thought. My sexual orientation. Almost every guy in my life has got called some kind of negative term for a gay man. And I'm sorry for that. I hope this video is an opportunity for me to make amends for all of the hate I've done by sharing honestly where that hate came from beer and what I've done to overcome that homophobia that fear, that hate in the form of loving and understanding myself. I'm grateful you are here with me. I'm honored. You're taking this time to share this with me. And I hope this is useful for you. I consistently grew up with homophobia and as a young adult, consciously made the decision to continue being homophone Mick to continue hating anyone that was not straight and even hating people who were straight with homophobic language. I'm sorry for that. I was afraid I was gay. I had fantasies about guys and I would feel so vulnerable, like I might be gay and it was awful. It was awful because I was told, and all I saw was that it was really shameful to be gay, that it was a horrible thing. Toe like another man that my purpose is a man was to chase women and to have a family and that getting married with something that a man did being a man, and that's when a man was. And if you weren't like that, you weren't a man, and my family raised me right. I took it upon myself to get these views based on all the things I saw in the world. I went about with a lot of hate, and I gave out a lot of hate, and I suffered the most. Because of that, I also spread this suffering all over. There's hundreds of people who like men and our men that I've said hateful, hurtful things to throughout my life, and I hope this makes that maybe a little better by doing something good and bringing us all together in all working and looking that hand in hand, we all can have a better life. That every step forward for gay rights is a step forward for straight men. The moment we stop thinking of ourselves in terms is gay or straight men or men and women or black and white, all of us get more freedom because being a straight man for much of my life has felt like a straitjacket. And I was afraid of running into a man that could let me out of that straitjacket and all of my relationships with men suffered. I have not been able until now in my life to be ableto honestly, open up and share my vulnerabilities with the man. I discovered this Now, as I'm finally able to open up with the man the same way could open up with a woman. I've discovered this when I was swimming in L A fitness the other day. Not the environment. You'd expect a big epiphany like this. I had noticed there was a problem in me Before this. I had noticed that I was able to open up with women much more easily than open up with men . And I didn't know why. I noticed that. It was very easy for me to share my innermost secrets with woman. And it was very hard with the man and I finally figured it out at L. A fitness in the pool by watching my behavior and then getting to the root of my fear. I was swimming the middle lane. There was a man, probably about 60 years old, swimming in the left lane. He was very friendly. He chatted with me. He talked about what he was doing in swimming his laps. He asked me what I was doing. He was kind, friendly and loving. And, you know, all I could think of negative thoughts, defensiveness, a desire to push him away. And I couldn't figure out why. Why, Why am I being like this? Why am I doing this to this guy? Why can't I just be present here and just spend time with him and not try and push him away ? And I realized, OK, I'm afraid of something and logically couldn't figure out what am I afraid off this guy's not going to hurt me, and once I realized it wasn't that he was going to beat me up or something, then I went deeper and I realized, Wow, I'm deep down afraid that he's going to ask me or that he could ask me to go mess around in the locker room and that I would do it. And when I realized that's the fear, Ah, fear I'd had nearly all of the time I could remember in my whole life when I realized that was when I was afraid off, then the fear pop like a bubble because I got see how ridiculous that waas Because of course, that was not a real possibility. It was a fear he wouldn't ask and I wouldn't say yes, Ridiculous. At the same time, that fear was very riel, and that fear has ran through every relationship I've ever had with any man in my life. Up until now, now I can open up with the man the same way, open up with a woman, and the only reason this is started earlier with women is because I had to confront this fear as a married man that loves my wife. and is faithful and works toe honor what it means to be committed to another human being in a monogamous relationship. I had to confront that fear earlier with women because it was obvious to me any time an attractive girl came around that I was afraid If she asked me to go mess around, I'd say yes. And so eventually, after facing that fear and trying to run from it and finally facing, that's my fear. Here's my fear. When I see a beautiful girl walk up to me, I'm afraid she could put me in a shameful position when I face that fear than it lessened. Now I can look at a beautiful woman and not have to want her and not have to be afraid of her because I love my wife. I love myself, and I will not do things that are hurtful or shameful. I will not abuse myself, so I don't have to be afraid of someone else, putting me in a position where I will abuse myself because I am perfectly capable of doing that myself. And if anything, I will work harder to not share in taking someone else into a shameful place with me. So I faced that fear first with women, and I was shocked to find I had that fear with men. And now everything is so much more peaceful. And now I feel a duty and obligation to share this as, ah, hope that if we all, especially as men. But if all of us could understand how that homophobia fear works, that fear of someone else putting you in a shameful position or that fear of it happening in some other way that fear that's their produces, the hate and the hate blocks out the love. If you take away the fear and hate, the love is there. That's the foundation. That is a wonderful thing. I now don't have to be afraid of a guy that's gay trying to pick me up in me saying Yes, because I feel like that's at the bottom of every big homophobe IQ, Fear and the Gay. The guy who's openly gay brings that fear into the surface. It's much more realistic when you are a guy and you run into another guy who likes guys now that doesn't mean it's any more likely the same as I have a preference for certain types of women. All those same things apply were all equal. So it's the same with women. I have no illusions that every woman's out their desire ing me. But I'm still saying, for the fear aspect of this Ah, gay guy brings out that homophobia fear, especially in a straight guy who has it. And if we can all understand how that works, then we can all be loving and understanding if you are gay and you have been brutalized by the homophobia on the other side of how I've been most of my life going around hating, outwardly hating anyone, any man who chose to like another man. If you can see that, that's coming out of a place of personal fear and you cannot feel like that is something about you. But maybe you can see Oh, this person is in a place of fear and shame, and I loved them. And I hope they have the chance to live a life outside of that fear and shame, and that their fear and shame does not define who I am. I hope I can communicate through that, and I hope for all of the guys like me out there that are pretty sure were straight based on the data that we can go around and love every man without a regard to sexual orientation . But we can love every man completely without fearing each other without fearing that we're gonna hold hands and go into this shameful place together. But we can just love our fellow man the same as we love any person, that we can all be equal together and so equal rights. When we all marched together for equal rights, we all come out ahead because it's a straight man being brought up with a homophobe IQ. Fear is a horrible straitjacket that puts up barriers between me and another man that makes me afraid off my sexuality when we all work towards equality, then we all have a chance to live a life of freedom, of love and happiness without hate. And if I can love another person who is in hate than I can love myself, if I can look over at someone who is in their homophobia and exhibiting it, if I can love them and say I understand I've experienced that and I love this person, the same as I love anyone else. And through my love, I will love them until they can love themselves enough to be a above that fear. I have been supported and loved. I have been loved until I could be free of that homophobia. So if so many other people have been willing toe love me when I was a hateful person, then I will be willing and am willing now to love another person who's in hatred in fear, in shame until they can love themselves. And I hope by honestly sharing my journey through homophobia, which has been one of the worst, most shameful, foundational things in my life that finally, by understanding the base of the fear that another man could take me sexually into shame by understanding the base of that fear. Then being free of that, that I can give out enough love in my life to make a difference, to help to give as much as has been given to me to be his loving, tolerant patient, as has been done with me. So thank you very much for sharing this with me. I hope that I've shared directly through with you out of my heart out of openness and love with you with every hope that you have a wonderful opportunity today to feel equally loved as I do. Thank you. 7. Support group: one of my most critical and useful tools in being happy has been having an excellent support group. I go to my support group nearly every day for an hour and a little miracle happens for me there. I feel not alone. I feel loved. I feel a part of the group and I share honestly from the heart of consistency. I talk or mostly listen, I go to the group rather. I'm having a good day, an okay day, a bad day. However it is, I'm always happy to be at the group and going to my support group was the first huge step and the most valuable tool I found, especially early on getting out of my misery and suffering all the time to translating to a place where 100% happy is actually possible. My support group helps me feel humility. My support group gives me the understanding that I'm not need better or worse than anyone else that goes there. In other words, I'm not somebody. I'm not a big deal and I'm not the worst person on earth, both of which were frequent things. I thought prior to going this support group that I was somebody and that I was divorced person on Earth. My support group has given me a huge set of tools that I can then use any time in my life to be happy. The main thing. My support group helped me open my eyes to all the other tools that are out there. All the other things that I can use. And my support group helped me to work on my biggest single problem that it pervaded my entire life. My sport group helped me get honest when you have to go share how you're doing with people every day. It brings a certain level of honesty because people see you when you're having a bad day. They see when you're having a good day, they see you when you're just kind of showing up, and that gives a nice foundation of life, like no matter what's happening, I'm going to go to my support group later, and it's easy to not allow this tool into your life. You can say I don't have time for that. I'm too busy. There is nothing more important in my life, Then, using the tools, I have to maintain my happiness because everything else gets screwed up, done poorly, and I'm miserable if I don't take care of myself. So if I don't take care of myself, nothing else, I do matter. So the very first priority in my life is to take care of myself. It's like when you get on the plane with the oxygen masks, you put yours on first. And when you look around the world, it's easy to see how many people are wandering around without their oxygen mask on, trying to put everyone else's on and going around like they don't need one. And trying to tell everyone what they should do once they've got their oxygen mask on the oxygen mask is obviously metaphor because it's easy to understand. If you're not taking care of yourself, you are generally making everyone around you miserable in addition to being miserable yourself. I did this a lot in my life and finally I'm able to push towards 100% happy where I'm in complete peace and acceptance with life at all times, and this has been the biggest miracle that I've ever seen in my life that a person who had an outwardly wonderful life, who was inwardly miserable. Could see that they were about to just do mawr awful, horrible things than they'd already done before and could stop a person who had been sitting there whole life could say, I'm forgiven for my sins. Aiken. Go forth and sin no more. I don't have to keep making myself and everyone around me miserable. That's a miracle. And that is what I'm trying to share with you in this course. And the biggest single tool for me has been a good support group. There's all kinds of support groups out there, no matter who you are. There's some support group that would welcome you with open arms and where you would be a valuable member, Their support groups for moms, addictions and status history. There's all kinds of support groups you can use, and there's various forms. You could start with a medical professional psychiatrist or something. If you wanted to, it could be in your religious organization. The fact is, if you want to find a support group, you will look and then when you look, you will eventually find one. You could find a support group even in something like a local chamber of commerce, you could find it in a book club. To me, the key function of a support group is you focus on taking care of yourself. You share honestly, not superficially, but honestly. And you focus on healing, being healed and living a good, healthy, happy life. The local support group give you connections with other people and most foundational, a local support group should be a place where you're loved and welcome with open arms. This has been a gigantically helpful tool from me that I consistently put down. I said, Oh, I don't need a support group and I made fun of who you go there you. Meanwhile, I suffered. So as soon as I was ready, as soon as I had had enough suffering and I prayed, I said, I'll do anything to stop suffering. I was at a support group the next week. If you're ready to take a shot at 100% happy than try out a support group, Thank you for watching this, and I hope it's been helpful